Friday, December 28, 2012

Really loved this vid

'...and while we are at it can we stop the stigma'

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas in the afternoon

Dear Diary,


It's Christmas. My parents are quite happy right now, my mum is happy with the gift, my dad with the olive branch. We are waiting for a couple of people to come over, Eileen's husband and my brother. Eileen's husband is a bit insufferable, not least because I think he killed his family with his attitude, my brother's balding head depresses me as a spectre of what is to come.

Last year, Eileen and her husband were here, they were pretty sad as it was the second year without their son. Now for Joffrey, its the first year wtihout his wife. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. I'll try to remember that. My brother is quite happy, he has a great girlfriend and she's really fun and although sometimes quiet, she is caring and sweet and great with kids, something that's useful when she has her own nieces. Bro moved in with her earlier this year and his new business is going fairly well. It's nice that he's sorted out his job situation: by becoming his own boss!

and what about me? That's always the qeustion when I'm around my successful friends. What about me? I don't really know to be honest. I wish I could do more with my life. I'm doing a lot and maybe I could do more, but I do think I'm pushing myself harder than most people do. The reality is, I'm not the one with the mortgage, girlfriend or successful career and they are. Good for them, I just wish I had something going like that. I guess I am jealous. I'm not going to drink today. My misery deserves to be acknowledged to its full and to a sober degree, no overemphasis with alcohol and likewise, no ignoring my problems through alcohol.


Mum's got the turkey in the oven, dad's doing phone calls. I'm on the computer. Maybe one day I'll think of days like these fondly. For now, I'm hoping of a better tomorrow. Maybe I should just enjoy that I'm still in my 20s!

Monday, December 24, 2012

I'm reading through my book review book and it has been thought provoking in a variety of ways. Not least thinking about Nietzsche. I am reminded of something Laura said to me once. Laura said that there are lots of bad memories sure, but we can make new memories. I was thinking about this beccause perhaps there's another way of looking at the past. Maybe we can revise our beliefs about the past. See such beliefs in a context of other things going on.


In that way perhaps its not so dire. In that way its perhaps not so shit.


I'm thinking about Adora, the girl I broke up with. I feel like such a cunt right now. I feel sorry for her, Adora had two disabled parents and I realised how she held everything up in her family. I also realise how I loved her. I never told her, there was no need. It still would need to end.


Had a fight with dad earlier. It's coloured my sensibilities right now. It lingers like a bad sore. I hate what he is making me. I hate what this situation is making me. I'm trying my best to oppose it, but the stupour, the air around me brings me down. I just want to escape.

say less and listen more.

I had a realisation at the gym today.


I don't have the courage to challenge myself. Often I speak about values. I speak of values that people should uphold, and implicitly those are the values which I hold myself up to, and often of times I think that I uphold to about 70% of it, sometimes 90% of it. I was pushing myself at the gym today, but I realised my limitations. Realising said limitiations became a troubling thing for me.

I think the saying goes: you can dish it out but you can't take it.


I pushed myself but I ran out of steam. I've been pushing myself for the past week that the days have a different kind of meaning to me. Pushing my body at the gym intensively has made me think a little about the ways in which I don't push myself, I've been thinking a bit more about my flaws.I have quite a few of them. Perhaps I should just say less and listen more. Perhaps there are analgoues of this: play less and practice more. Write less and read more. stay upright more and lay down more.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

a 'something's gotta give' day

Dear Diary.


I'm feeling tired as fuck. Lots of family related shit yesterday. Lots of gym this week. I had 1 class, a badminton session and 3 training days with my friend. I also sent off stuff on ebay, did christmas shopping, applied to a few jobs, got an interview invitation, started on my book review and trying to get it all under my belt without sweating too much.


Today is one of those 'something's gotta give' moments. I'm so fucking tired, I feel so damned drained. My most immediate feeling and desire is to crawl into bed, close my eyes and just be with my thoughts, be with my fatigue. A few things have been on my mind lately.

  • Thinking about Autism. I've heard a lot of people say to me that they think I have autism, now I usually reply that I haven't and that I've been checked by an educational psychologist. But it worries me that despite being assessed people still think I have autism because of the way I behave
  • Thinking about identity. Lately I've been thinking about my dad and the ethnic-cultural community that we belong to. My dad has said many things to the effect that the culture that he once knew growing up is all but gone, and its making me think about my cultural identity. I can identify with the present and there are lots of things that can form a cultural identity, and my cultural identity. But I do feel like there are things which ...are being erased about me, as if I'm the last of my kind or of a declining number. The generation of my grandparents (even though both are death) from my father's side were migrants to Africa, as they migrated their children (my dad's generation) lost a big part of their indian identity and what remains is fragmentary and incomplete. When my dad migrated to England he abandoned a lot of his African identity and the indian part even less of a flicker of presence. It makes me a bit sad thinking about the african indians who have less to identify with culturally. It makes me feel sad as i am a descendant of one of them.
  • Another thing: every day that passes I feel a little bit of me dies. Like a hair from my youth falls and eventually I will be a bald husk.

This week has been busy. I've been resilient and I've pushed myself in unusual and difficult ways. I feel that observing a day of rest might actually be helpful for me. Especially in the run up to Christmas.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

christmas cheer.

Dear Diary,


at the moment I'm about to head off and get some christmas shopping done as well as sending off some items on Ebay that I've sold. I think one was an unused Christmas present and the other is a shirt belonging to my brother that he won't notice has gone, since he hasn't lived here for 5 years or so.

So, now I'm not triggering just keeping active, walking around a lot. Christmas was going to be a quiet one, however, i do think it will be quiet, but not as quiet as I think it was going to be. Lots going on still. I think I have enough to get on with today. More than enough.

No time to dither. Today was surprisingly easy to get out of bed. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's the christmas cheer. One of my oldest friends is coming back to london, and I'm kind of excited about that too.


Onwards. Upwards? We'll see.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Nothing like 2am thoughts on sunday morning.

Dear Diary,


So Adora and I have sort of broken up. I guess it's for the better. She's kind of doing the backhanded compliment-insult thing now. I guess I deserve that. I'm not really as shaken by it. I guess the saying is: easy come easy go...

So I have been involved in another writing project. That's kind of nice. I have a lot more free time now that work is finished. That's also nice. I've been archiving for most of tonight. Also doing a touch of catch up, but not enough.

I was thinking about something on the tube the other day. I've been on the tube a lot this week due to work, and I was quite upset. I think I was visibly upset as well. I was thinking about the past and whether I have truly let go of what happened. Am I able to let go? or is that still a problem of mine? I'm able to let go of Adora without too much problem, although maybe that's because I never was in a position to let go of hr in the first place.

I can let go of the past. Focus on the now. Yes its shit, just get on with it. That's the way of the Ashkani in the X-Men universe. Accept that things are shit and get on with it. I like that that rhymes.Also, I'm playing Halo 4 a lot. I am kind of excited about Christmas. Actually, I'm exctied about playing halo and meeting friends.


On another front: I've done 2 fitness sessions this week. Garden will count for 3. I've met the minimum. Perhaps this is the only week in the bloody year (probably) in which I've met my quotas!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

got to be hard on her.

Dear Diary

The window is open, its quite cold but I find the fresh, crisp winter air a form of satisfaction. Christmas is coming and perhaps this is one of the years (except for maybe 2 years ago) where I am least bothered about it, or at least, right now I'm not so bothered. Christmas is a time for whatever Cliff Richard said it was time for, which I suppose means its a time to be exceptional as a human being.

Exceptional is everything I'm not. I feel like a de-powered mutant after Marvel's M-Day. I used to have powers and now they are gone. I am thinking a fair bit lately about the past, and its a sign things aren't so good in my head. A few days ago I started to think really strange things, which is a sign in my head that things aren't so good right now. Adora is talking about suicide all the time and constantly telling me how she thinks she is pregnant, but she also had sex with a lot of other men. Adora is also suicidal and telling me about it a lot. I can't save her and I shouldn't if I tried. If its suicide its her choice. I'm not going to let Marie's mistake fool me again. I have a lot at stake right now.

Adora has been so difficult lately. I said that she should get professional help, find a GP, get a pregnancy test. Then she seems to retreat and say things like 'well I'm going to die anyway so there's no point' or 'there is x, y, z, barrier'. Then I tell her, 'there was x,y,z barrier and you were aware of this last month, I told you that you need to do a,b,c, for it', and she still hasn't. I really can't get to her. I'm trying. I'm not going to try anymore. I can't cope with her anymore. I can't cope with how difficult she is. Maybe I should break up with her. I feel like such a bastard. I have my own problems now. I have to get out of my fucking parents' place and move into my own home and make a life for myself. I need to do a PhD and find a form of self-worth. I need to be more than I am right now. I need to stop being a fucking loser.I know how it happens with girls like Adora. They want so much attention and want so much but give nothing back. They want someone to hear their woes and be woeful with them but it doesn't help her, it doesn't make her better, she just enjoys being in the depression and until she realises that she needs to change her thinking, any time I give her that supplies that fantasy for her will not help her. I'm being hard, but this cost me my masters 5 years ago. Never again. NEVER AGAIN. I'm screaming inside with a solitary face.

So, what can I say of my life? I started performing again this year, and not much on the work front. I think I managed about 12 interviews this year. Which is kinda nice. I have little to say that is a joy or crowning achievement in my life. I'm working tonight, hopefully getting a taxi home and I'd really like to be in a better off position next year than I was last year.

Here's to hoping, but now, off to do soemthing about it. I told maddy that I won't message her until tomorrow. I told her politely, that I have lots to do today.

dreams of unsuccess

weird dream last night.


I was in the job centre, but it was the physical building of my student union from uni days. and this job centre officer kept telling us 'do you want to get on with your life? do you want to get out of limbo and get on track with everyone else?' and she was shouting at a big group of people, however itwas the physical appearance of my boss at work. 


I know dreams don't make sense, but symbolisms are powerful. I also remember being among successful friends and being reminded how different I am because I'm unsuccessful.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I quite like mondays

Dear Diary,


Not been posting much. I will talk about some happy things. I've bought another xbox, thought I might have some fun for Xmas. I'm also bidding on a TV from Ebay. I hope that the xbox will work. Also I'm looking forward to Christmas, spending more than I should. I got over a big amount of my backlog in terms of my reading list and some of the metatask stuff. However I now have a lot to do when I get home later. I have work later, I should leave the house in 30 mins actually. I have badminton on Tuesday, Garden xmas drinks on Tues evening, work on Weds, Drinks with friend on Thurs, Work on Fri. Probably other stuff and something on Saturday. Lots of my week has been defined for me already.


On balance, and here's the negative, its the only week I'm working until about late January. Which isn't good. I have to find alternative measures for income. Ebay perhaps? Need to find a job. I've been applyign a little bit. I applied to that job that a friend suggested. Also thinking of PhD applications. Lots on the menu this week. However now, I'm going to shave, put a shirt on, some deoderant and put on my face for work.



Wednesday, December 5, 2012


I bought a Gilet at Primark on Monday. I hate primark, because everything is cheap and numerous. That's not the kind of message we should give to the future, of a time when consumption was high and workers were probably oppressed in order to make these cheap clothes. Also I find high street fashion a double edged sword. I like some high street looks and I always want to keep modern, but some things are too edgy and hipster for me.


I never thought I'd say this but when I bought the Gilet I felt I had entered a new realm of style and a new era of style in my life. It really fit me, the wooly jumper and the Gilet. It reminded me of the jumper my sister gave me in the winter of 2005-2006, which I wore all the time and because it was so different to what I normally wore I felt it defined a new era in my sartorial life, it was a start, it led to my other rituals of cord trousers and black shirt, but that wasn't yet to come by 2007-2008. Perhaps this gilet will give me a new way to think about how I present myself in clothes.


Also I'm reminded of something ugly. Those fucking Jack Wills toffs in my classes as an undergraduate, with their 'yahh' toff accents and their nonchalance of priviledge. They were the darlings of middle england who weren't quite good enough for cambridge, just do a little work and they will get their firsts and work in Goldman sachs. I'm reminded of them because they used to wear those fucking Gilets in lectures and seminars all the time. Now I feel like it has come to the high street the poor plebians can pretend to be like them all false aspirational with a warm midsection and cold arms.


Fuck you gilet, for being so warm, fuck you primark, for having occaisional clothes that I actually like.

Monday, December 3, 2012

!!!! On this day (2007; 2012).

was Marie's birthday. I remember that day vividly. I had a lovely pair of levi's cords that tore up and I had to walk home holding up my trousers because the buckle that holds it up broke.


5 years on. I'm sending off an item that i sold on ebay. I've bought a book at trader prices that I saw on FRONT magazine, I'm about to put my coppers into my bank balance and I'm tempted to cancel my trip to the gym today in order to make time for a family friend's 50th birthday. He's a good member of the family. Also there's a lot of christmas drinks coming up. There's one for the garden, there's one for the group associated with the garden; there's one for work; and there's a second one for work. I feel like I have people who know me and see me in a way I don't see myself. I guess you could say I've settled into a life.Maybe that's a good thing.


Enough reflecting. I'm off to the post office.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dear Diary,


Days are shorter, junk food is more accessible and I'm feeling a bit shit. Hardly done anything today. Exhausted. Off to a gig later today.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

!!! getting triggers again.

I've been having triggers lately. When I was playing badminton one particular trigger was the phrase 'buffy the vampire slayer'.


I don't want to explain the significance of it. It sounds so silly, but it reminds me of everything of why I'm a failure.

If I were scaling it on 0 (despair) to 10 (elation), I'm about a 3.5

Dear Diary,


I haven't been in the best of ways lately. I had about 3 different anxiety attacks since Friday. One was about a friend stressing me out about how he's afraid of dying alone. This affected me visiting Adora. I told her I think I should leave. I was feeling very anxious. Adora gave me some of her prescribed tranquilisers. They made me a bit loopy. But it helped. Now I realise why Dr. House enjoyed those drugs so much, it took away my angst.

Sometimes there are feelings that you hold on to so strongly that you wish not to rid yourself of it, for me perhaps that is my anger and sense of injustice in the world. But I could happily get rid of my anxiety if I could. Then there was an incident at work. There was an Israel fundraiser and some of the guests were very unfriendly. My boss warned me that the security staff can be a bit rough handed, as they have a private security team. I then found the security staff to be utterly amicable.The guests were not. One of the guests were very rude to my colleagues, one of them said 'WE ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO WORK HERE'. It didn't help that the colleague he was rude to was an arab. This political/cultural issue of the whole difficulty in israel right now hit badly.

I've also started playing minecraft. It's really cool. I've made a house, a cave and I've managed to do some cool stuff without cheating. So this week I'm working 3 days. I've not got much space or time to do gym stuff or apply to jobs. I'm not giving myself too much of a hard time about it, because work takes a bit out of me. I'll finish by 11pm, get home by midnight and I'll catch up on reading blogs and whatnot.

I'm not concentrating so well right now either. That's no good. I'm tempted to go for a walk right now and do some errands. Perhaps catching up on emails would be best for now.


My head isn't in a good place today. If I were scaling it on 0 (despair) to 10 (elation), I'm about a 3.5

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Dear Diary,

I woke up around 10am, a bit late I know. It was dark and grey when I woke up, and now it's dark and a navy blue outside.

Today I'm doing the hard graft. I'm listening to some audiobooks to pass the time. Entering data from my receipts, did a bit of job searching, intending to send off job applications. I have finally started to actually move forward with my schedule. Well, if moving forward means getting the tasks of the day done, and some of the tasks of tomorrow done, without getting behind.

I'm a little bit obsessed with gymming it lately. I feel like if I go to the gym I could just do some weights, pump some irons and shoot the shit. I've got to get up early tomorrow, maybe from about 5:30, in order to leave the house at 6:30, get to work at 7:30, get home from around 16;30. and I'm still thinking about gyming it!


If I got to the gym at 5pm-5:30, I could do a bit of cardio, then a spot of spinning (6:30-7:20), then body attack? That way I'd feel a great sense of satisfaction from my life at physically punishing myself. Sorry, I thought I had something more lucid to say, but I just want to get back to receipts. Then gym, then balance, then home, then more working.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

This is perhaps the first post in about a month where I'm not saying 'I'm so busy I thought I'd just update you on what's going on!' I woke up late, I'm off to work in an hour, so I'm making a slow start today. I had some really weird dreams last night. Most of it involved being on a bus, or travelling around south london in a train. Notably, this has involved a lot of what my activity for the past 2 months.

I'm dwelling on some dark stuff lately. My mind seems to be flirting with the past. I am having trigger/mnemonic memories that are unlocked by certain things. The exhaustion after a gym class, walking home covered in sweat. Reminds me of when I was doing aikido back in uni, and I was coming home feeling horrible and torn up. I used to go home and just collapse in bed.

When I'm in the shower I remember things from my second year of uni. My hair was so long that it was unmanageable. I had horrible tangles in it and the conditioner I used was ineffective. I had a horrible bath with barely enough warm water and there was so much limescale only half the water came out. These are my memories that I have been triggered with. Cold autumn nights. The trees shedding leaves. I used to live next to a tree back in 2007-2008. The stuff with adora reminds me a bit of Marie in a way. Not in the good ways.

I'm keeping warm for now. I'm keeping strong. But I distinctly feel that the darkness is never too far away. Yesterday went great. I sent off an item on ebay, I ordered some condoms from amazon (which were effectively for free - cos of vouchers i got from doing surveys), I applied to two research jobs, plus I did a double session of weights and pilates. My body is torn up and I came home sweaty. Memories triggered from that experience last night. But maybe I should redefine those triggers. Maybe one day if I'm coming home covered in sweat and exhausted. I will think: remember the time when you were 26 and we went to all those pilates and les mills classes?

I was going to say that this year would be different, that this year I won't be so sad, that this year my depression won't stifle me. I am making a good attempt at redressing that issue. However with aunty eileen passing away it has been difficult. So now, 6 hours of work, get home by 9pm or so, have a shower, and catch up on non priority stuff. Today will hopefully be straightforward.

Off for breakfastlunch now.


Monday, November 19, 2012

listening to 'total recall' schwarzenegger biography

dear diary

kinda tired this weekend. Went to a meeting on saturday. had an interview on thursday, didn't get it. What else? I went to a spontaneous bbq, ate a lot of chicken, at a lot more chicken still, and then I felt tired so just put my head down for a while.

This is a 'normal' week. Life goes on. Aunty Eileen had her funeral, my parents are back home, I'm still working part time in a job that's not ideal, and I'm carrying on with life. I've got to send something off to the post office, but I'm dithering. I also set up some more items to sell on ebay. I think my parents won't mind me selling my brother's old shirts. I just hope people buy them!


Anyway. Off to somewhere or other.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

this week in one sentence flashes.

sharing a bed on a saturday afternoon with Adora

my cousin's husband giving me a big pat on the shoulder at his son's christening saying to me at the table of sweets 'I knew you would be here!' I could feel his love.

Crying at my godmother's funeral, carrying her coffin I saw people waving and mouthing 'goodbye' to her. The tragedy of it is a pain that can only be expressed alone

The joy of normality when I play badminton with the guys, the candour of conversations we have afterwards.

The rush I have this week of trying to tidy the house before the sun goes down, trying to catch up on job applications

The feeling of numbness after a job interview walking down a cold suburban street near Richmond on a midnovember cold.


This is my week. These are the things I want to capture on my blog, but I feel so much in a stupour to express it. I think things have been a bit intense for me lately. I wouldn't say things are hard to cope with, but I will say that its really heavy right now. I'm coping, and that's a good thing, but its really heavy. I guess this means I'm a proper grown up now.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

November darkness, (and flickers of light)



  • Went to balance class
  • Interview prep
  • Haircut
  • Playlisting
  • Job search
  • Tidy up house
  • Sent speculative application
  • Caught up on some emails

Lots on my mind. Mostly thoughts of 'oh shit I need to catch up!' Now I've an interview tomorrow. I can't focus on anything at the moment. I'm suitably tired. I have more that I need to do, for now I have to just rest my head. It's foggy outside, cold, this feels like home. My parents are coming home tomorrow. I spent a lot of time tidying up the house. I see a lot of darkeness around me, the kind of darkness that is inside the soul. I should be hopeful for the interview.

I haven't been purging, I haven't been thinking about imaginary people. I've just been normal lately. All this contact with people, all this real life stuff, all the boring stuff, it's making me normal. I have lots going on. In a way it is welcome. Its a big contrast to what little happened over the summer. I think that I'm managing well. I just have to push on. This is like the exercise I did earlier today with the medicine ball. My body was so tired and burning from it that I had to force myself to push out some more.


My diet has been terrible over the past few days. I look forward to doing a double session at the gym later tomorrow. I used to say that a minimum of 3 big tasks were the foundation of a successful day. Today I did 7 things, now I just need to keep it up. I don't have anything particularly lucid to say. I've been so busy and tired. I might just piss about with my phone now until I fall asleep.


Good night.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

This week (6 year anniversary of suicide attempt)

I realise just now that I've not blogged much. I hate not blogging and saying that I'm too busy. I'll give a digest of things doing on.



Manscaping, recieved voucher, went spinning, listed items on ebay


Work, purchased stuff on ebay, practiced piano, visited Eileen's widower


Interview invitation, went to work, practiced piano, errands with Eileen's funeral


Double session at gym, practice piano, tidy up house


Adora visited, sent off items sold on ebay. Tidying up house. Sex


Went to Christening, had more sex and cuddles, travelled to and from north london. 1 hour journey made bearable by foursquare.


Over the week I've been buried. I've been trying to work out a way to think about how to get everything done. I've not been so good at that.I've been upset, tired, enamoured, and all kinds of other feelings. I almost felt like saying 'I love you' to Adora. I finally managed to orgasm durign sex with her, after much difficulty. After waking up, having sexyfun, and then making breakfast/lunch, we then went back into bed and then had more intimate fun, then we got all tired out and we had the most perfect cuddle, holding each other, naked warmth keeping each other warm, and just fading into unconsciousness.


Meeting my family this evening was good. I talked to Merv about bereavement, and he was so very sensitive about it. Merv told me how its different with each person, and everyone mourns in their own way. Merve also told me that its okay to cry. A cousin told me that the most supportive thing for one to do is just to sit with the mourning person, no advice or much talking, just listening. Talk only about the lost person if they want to talk about it. I love my family and I realise with each death in the family how special each of them are. Merv knows a lot about bereavements, he lost his grandfather (who he lived with), a couple of friends, and a dear family friend within the space of less than two years. Merv knows pain.


On the 10th November 2006, I was hospitalised. 6 years on, I'm clinging to life, love, family, work, and the joys of friends. A lot of heavy stuff is happening. I used to bang on in my earlier years about how great pain allows for great joy. I'm not sure I agree 100% with that now, but I do think there are joys within times of sadness. Adora's cuddles were very healing, and just having a moment where I don't have to care about all this stuff going on was perhaps helpful.

For now I better go to sleep. Maybe I'll play some podcasts in bed.

Monday, November 5, 2012

according to my records. I've been working at my job for 2 years now.

on an annoying colleague (listneing to pop chart shits)

So one thing I've been thinking about lately, Mainly because of the semblance of politeness and tolerance I have, is a very difficult colleague at work. Last year she was pregnant and she said how she had some issues with doing all the jobs at work. Mainly because she was pregnant we just allowed her to do less and between myself and another colleague we had to carry out some tasks with great difficulty on our own.

Then I told this story to a colleague earlier last week. Other colleague laughed and said 'I'm saying nothing!'. It came out yesterday at work she was at a shift (post birthing) and making a complaint about how she has a medical condition that can't make her stand up. Most of the job involves standing up and walking about. If one can't do that, they can't satisfy the job description. Unfortunately I don't think this counts as an issue for reasonable adjustments. I hold open doors and chase people down corridors at Shambly Arena, that's what my job is and what our job is as a team.I didn't want to be objectionable at this job because its not really my responsibility to deal with disciplinary measures.Also, I don't want to appear sexist about the woman being pregnant, now she isn't pregnant she hasn't got that excuse. That colleague really made things uncomfortable for everyone, her attitude and making us have to be very harsh on her for not doing the job.

I'm kind of feeling hopeless about the job situation. This death situation is almost immaterial to whats going on now. This death situation is also piling up on top of what I need to do. Fucking hell.

depression and sadness

So, Eileen died on Saturday. Sunday involved going to work, coming home. There were some family here, I couldn't relax after work because they were here. My uncle suggested nachos and melted cheese. I might make that later this week. It's all about Eileen at the moment. Lots of dark shit is coming out right now, all the stuff about the circumstances of her death, her husband's paranoia and his distrust of outsiders, his biogtry, his prejudices and it made everyone uncomfortable. Eileen's husband is a very unlikeable man, and it was only her that made any of this worthwhile. Now that she's gone, people will have less tolerance for him, Eileen's husband is saying people will turn against him and blame him for things. Joffrey doesn't want to deal with his problems by accepting them and dealing with it, instead he's in this form of denial where he's questioning even the basis of what the tragedy is. Joffrey is saying he's not convinced its cancer and how because he has so many doctors in the family (naming people who aren't doctors) but she still died.


Tragedy this is. This is a tragedy that happened in close proximity to the death of their son. I was chatting with someone lately and I asked them: do you know the difference between sadness and depression? She said she understood it. This kind of sadness is rational. Right now however, I'm feeling kind of depressed. Sadness is the thought of remembering her voice, and knowing I won't ever hear her again, or see her smile. Depression is me laying in bed at 3pm not having done anything in the day, with little motivation to get up and do things.I'm feeling both. But i need to know they are distinct.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Death in the family

Aunty Eileen died yesterday (Saturday).


I was out yesterday, looking for pumpkins, then I went to see skyfall. Amazing movie. When I got home the grief took over and hit me, slowly. Right now I'm feeling it. I'm just feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. Work tomorrow. I knew this would happpen. It's so sad.


I'm sorry I thought I had more to say but, I'm just at a loss for words.


Want to try and sleep, but just too ...pensive I guess is the word.


I had a good day with my friends, they had a bit of a black joke today, they said when I go home the grief will hit me, and then I will text them with a benign in-joke, and they know its an obvious cover for my grief.


They know me too well.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Welcome November 2012

Dear Diary,


Can barely type with my fucked up forearms. I practiced piano today, did a bit on chopin and Gershwin. I got an extra shift at work. I worked on a novel, a project that I've had in my mind for a whle. November is 'write a novel month' or some shit like that. I sent off two applications, one after midnight (so that counts as a different day). I did a lot of job searching and then afterwards I felt bloody tired. I just went to bed not giving a shit, all I ate at that point was a tin of tuna, half an onion and a slice of pizza. Perhaps fatigue got to me, or perhaps it was starvation. I think it was a stupour. It has suddenly dawned on me, despite running around for the garden, despite all these liasons with Adora, despite meeting up with my mates, going to gigs and all the other fun stuff of the month of October. I have to dawn upon the realisation that next month is Novemer.


My uncle died in 2011 in October, November was the time of the funeral I recall. I recall a lot of things about 2011, 2010, not so much about 2009, and I'd rather forget 2008. 2007 comes a lot in mind to me, and after my body attack class earlier on Thursday (I resist saying 'today') I was exhausted, covered in sweat and sore, it reminded me of the physical discomfort of 2005. I didnt get in time for Pilates so I decided to try another class. What a fucking painful nightmare it was! I don't regret it, more so I do not regret the joy of that gym glass and draining my energies all the way down to zero, like a car battery. It's times like that when you realise your limits, cross over them, and jump around to the pop hits of 2012 played on an iPod.


In most respects my day has been nice and active. I slightly feel that it isn't. If you asked me at 6pm if my day went well I'd say it didn't but I think I made up. With all the shifts at work I'll be doing, I don't have as much time to apply for jobs, or train. But I will be earning money, November is a good time for work. It would be an even better time if I worked full time. All the earnings of November go to December. That means: Christmas.

I'm sort of looking forward to Christmas. Getting together, that lovely food, Doctor Who Christmas specials or whathaveyou. Monopoly with my neighbours and crappy Christmas cracker jokes. I think aunty Eileen won't be around by Christmas. Last year we spent it with her because since her son died they didn't have much to celebrate. For me it was just the togetherness of bringing familities together and sharing joy and sharing a roasted meal meant the world to me. I think I was highly appreciative of that especially since my uncle died last year and my dad was mourning.

When Aunty Eileen goes, I'm going to mourn her loss very much, and I know that it's going to hit me like nothing I've ever experienced before. So with that I guess I say: Welcome november.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's finally dawned upon me that its november.


this is my stupour day. I've done nothing but wank, my motivation is low and I don't really want to do anything today

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sobriety puts me into a stupour.

Dear Diary


I'm not sure if I wrote a post in a few days. Maybe I'll share what's happened.




I went to see Adora, we fucked a lot, cuddled and I had trouble orgasming, I was also very concerned about being so emotionally close to someone. Got home saturday, Exhausted. I tried anal sex with her. I remember her saying: two things she'd never do: anal sex and kissing, and seemingly she was comfortable enough with me to break those taboos.




Went to Hospice to see Eileen. Pretty dark, pretty goddamned dracula black. Also went gardening.



Caught up on  a few tasks, but not all. I also went to meet up with this performance troupe. I felt quite anxious and I mainly went as a musician, didn't expect to be doing jazz hands to popular 1980s songs. 


I'm sorry that I'm in a bit of a daze right now. I feel like I'm drunk right now, but I'm not. Sobriety puts me into a stupour.

Friday, October 26, 2012

good or bad anxiety?

Dear Diary,

after the thing I just posted a few hours ago I applied to another job. I then went to badminton instead of spinning. My body feels comfortably tired. I spent the past couple hours reading up on magazines and comics. Today is friday. On my mind is visiting Adora again later tonight. I should go to sleep first, I should also carry on with my schedule as usual. Being with her almost tempts me to forget everything. I'm kind of feeling anxious about her, about meeting her, wondering about how I feel about her and I guess I'm anxious about not knowing whether this anxiety is a normal reaction that people have with a new sexual partner, or if this is my bad anxiety.

I've done a fair amount today. There's more to do when I wake up. Now all that's left to do is dwell until I wake up. Also maybe think about what I'll do tomorrow, or what I'll say. Afterbadminton I went with my brother to his friend's flat. I kind of feel anxious about staying there for so long, we were watching question time and other things on the telly. I guess I felt anxious about being a third wheel. I know the guy since I was litle but I don't know something just seemed awkward. Maybe it was in my head, maybe that's bad anxiety. All the same: glad to have played badminton after so long.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

  • 6 jobs applied
  • 2 blog posts
  • caught up on some emails
  • examined PhD courses (none viable)
  • entered shift data for November
  • (note yet done) go to spinning class

that's not bad for a day of stuff to do, right?

Start where you are

Dear Diary,


Woke up late (need to stop doing that). Entering Shift data for November. Calculating my earnings for this month and the next. It looks good, however its only downhill from here. I haven't forgotten the poorly wages of July/August period and I really need to keep that in mind as the days go on.

Much to do, almost too much. A nice radio program on Nietzsche and Wagner on in the background, that is comforting. I'm also hungry. Lots in mind today. Lots to think about. Too much to. Just got to start somewhere.

Maybe I'll eat first. That's a good form of procrastination.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

shame memories

The year is 2012.

It's a bit before 3:40. I'm in my room facing the window sitting at my desk.

I'm thinking about a time in 2006 around Late December (or was it august). I'm out with my friends, we have gone to a club in Kingston upon Thames. A bit far out of my usual area. There are lots of people around our age and a little younger. I am drinking a bit. I'm pretending to have a good time but I feel my inner sense of misery ruin the experience. I feel uncomfortable, nausea. I remember a girl trying to hit on my friend, she proceeds to kiss a stranger, another girl, as a way of arousing him. Both are not interested in each other, both just want to arouse him, one just wants to be seen kissing another girl.

Later on in the night one of the guys abandons me to hang out with some girls. I end up going home by myself, I lose my pen somewhere and I tell security. They tell me to fuck off. I say how its a fischer space pen and it was special to me. It was the silver bullet design. The security man was unsympathetic and threatening. I remember it vividly. I'm remembering it now, almost 6 years on, and I don't know why. I like to focus on the horrid moments of my life. The times when I feel uncomfortable, unhappy, it seems so absolute. So absolute that it infects my time now, years on.

Memories like that make me feel vulnerable. Memories like that make me pretend certain things don't happen. I remember reading somewhere that there is a difference between shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment has the distinction of being public, or viewable to others. Shame lingers. Shame is the kind of thing you can pretend isn't there when other people are around. Shame has a way of emerging after hiding.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

afternoon musings (just finished GoT s02E06)

Dear Diary,

Woke up late, but working on second job application. It was effective to watch Game of Thrones while getting on with work. Perhaps not as effective as not watching it, but I managed to get out of bed quickly. I am continually thinking about Adora. I can smell her on my cock, even after I've showered twice. I smell her lingering on my pillow and on my hair. Shampoo can't wash away how I'm ideating her. I need to get on and think about other things. I've done this with a modicum of success. A modicum. Come the end of the day I will have finished at least two job applications I hope. Then off to work. No time for badminton or gym today. It's pretty full on. It doesn't help that I spent today in bed until midday. My body thanks me for it. My biceps on one side are quite buoyant, my chest also.

I sort of look skinnier, but I know the mirror lies. I'm glad my body has been changing lately, my intense gym routine has been scupting my body. Alas, however, there is much more to do.

Now onwards with my day. I'll have a steak after 3pm, then get ready for work.

double session at the gym, and not much else today.

dear diary,


kind of tired, nearly 2am. But I have a surprising amount of energy for one who had done so much at the gym. I scored over 1200 points on fitocracy. Did a 'double session' at the gym. I technically applied for 4 jobs. Looked at job boards. I then can't remember what else happened really.

I was texting Adora, or rather, Adora was texting me. Gosh I think its funny how this whole series of events have been up on my mind so much lately, it's exciting and anodyne all at once. It's also really new to me. I like having something to talk about that isn't about my dreary existence. Adora has been saying how we should have sex again, how we should scratch and bite and slap some more. Adora also said how she misses me and is unexpectedly infatuated with me and my body.


I think the thing that we had in common is how black things are inside our psyche. Adora has a lot of darkness, but she doesn't let it affect her so much, nor does she let it show. In a sense I wonder if its really there, but the thoughts she has are so distinctly different from her deeds, it confounds me. I felt open enough to tell her about mia, it felt so amazing to tell someone about mia. I told her about how mia is based on traits of women I admire all merged into one.


I'll try to see her on Friday, but she would have it earlier. I'm working tomorrow in the evening, not much time to do things, but also going to be a tiring one as it gets on in the evening and getting home.


Onwards, as I always seem to say. Onwards.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Grey days are filled with darkness and light.

There was once a time when I thought getting laid would make me happy, would make everything less black. No I realise the one thing that will make everything better involves boring grafting. I need to do the hard work, the hard thinking. I need to make things work.


I'm perhaps going to see Adora on friday. I look forward to the conversations, the cuddling, the possible sex and I suppose the closeness with another human being.


A part of my world is falling apart at home. Aunty Eileen has always been around in the background in my life. Aunty Eileen was so supportive when my parents went on holiday, she would make me dinners and come across the road to deliver a plate to me. Aunty Eileen got me a power ranger action figure back when they were scarce objects. Aunty Eileen went to my piano recital, her and my friend Ken. One less in my life, one less in my family, one less in my world. Aunty Eileen is like a mother to me, I know she's going to die, but only in an intellectual sense. When it actually happens, I don't really know how I'll cope. My other aunt is here visiting today, last year her husband, my dad's brother died. I think about this time last year when it was pretty dark. I remember playing skyrim a lot, I remember lots of shifts at work. I remember tutoring.


Some of my friends, family friends and even online friends feel that I'm living an underwhelming life. They pity me. They think I deserve to do more in my life and enjoy more. I am inclined to agree. I'm almost in disbelief at the weekend and its events. Meeting Adora, sleeping with her, the beautiful things she said of me when I was naked on her bed such as 'Stop being so sexy'. Adora makes me feel like I'm someone else. That other person I suppose is how other people see me, compared to how I see myself. What I think of myself is very important, and what I believe I must be is also key.


Never stop being hungry should be my Game of Thrones style adege. I've gone forward with my metatask, but I need to do more. Always need to do more. I feel very sad, but its a rational kind of sad. I'm sad that Aunty Eileen will die. I'm sad that death is a necessary part of this existence. I'm sad that people have to die. I should focus as well on the joys of life, having kinky sex with Adora is a good start.


So the plan for today? Carry on searching for jobs. maybe even apply to some! I also need to go to the gym. Do some Pilates, Spinning, hopefully I'll have energy for both, plus energy for some deadlifts.

Adora (or how I met a girl last night)

Dear diary,


I was chatting to a girl on OkC lately, she invited me to her place last night. I was thinking about it and I even discussed it with another OkC friend, her view was: go for it! So I did. I put everything on hold and I went to see her. I went to an unfamiliar area of london, and I went to her place, we talked, we talked a lot, then we ended up under blankets. There was a point where I was thinking that I wouldn't be intimate with her, but that was fine I was just enjoying the conversation.


The build up to the moment when I kissed her was what really summed it up for me as a life moment. I asked her 'can I kiss you?' and she said, 'you don't need to ask'. We then had about 7 hours of intimacy. I could remember so much of it, and yet it was all such a blur. It was a wonderful night, full of yearning, sharing sad tales and cuddles. Lots of kissing, lots of learning, lots of spanking and a little bit of scratching. My back is still full of scratches and some of my chest too.I went to the pharmacy the next day to get some painkillers for her, She was short on change so I thought to pay for her, I know for a fact she doesn't like guys paying for her, but well it was medical. I thought it was also the least I could do after all that sex.

The reason I had so much sex last night was because normally I cum, and then I sleep. I  couldn't cum, I was too nervous or something. I just couldn't let go emotionally with her. Inside my mind I still have this barrier that makes it so hard to be close to anyone. I told her about Marie, and the way she hurt me and fucked with my head. I told her how because of that experience its hard for me to trust anyone, and how I created mia in my head. She also told me about how she has been hurt by men in the past, and how she has become incredibly resilient. It hurts me how men have been so cruel to her in the past. It also reaffirms some sense of feminism in my mind.

I remembered how we talked about sex a little bit, and she mentioned how she hated kissing but preferred fucking because in an odd way, the former is too intimate. We did a lot of kissing, and not much penetrative sex, as it happens I didn't have more than two condoms, and both of them failed in some way. My body feels sore all over, butin the best possible way. Did some weights yesterday at the gym, then had a sauna, who would have thought that 8 hours on I would be making love to a beautiful woman. Sometimes its odd how my life which in many ways blighted, can be brought suchjoyous moments. It was joyous, blissful, beautiful to make love to her, to kiss her.

I feel kind of emotional just thinking about it. I feel like I've bonded with her. When I got home I was sorta sweaty, i smelled of latex and my hair was post-coital messy. I barely slept even though we were in bed for ages. When I wanted to leave, she unzipped my trousers and was playing with me, I said I couldn't say no to that, but then after a while I said it had to stop, she was touching me and I said no, I said no again, then I said "no means no" and then the further extreme: "If you continue this is sexual assault", at that point she stopped, she looked sad as I was about to leave. There was no eye contact between her and me, It was like she was trying to phase out of what was happening, she seemed so sad when I left. I was asking if I hurt her in any way, and she said no, ut she was still sad. I learned from Marie that I can't fix people, they have to go through changes by their own decisions and actions. I kissed her and I left.

Getting home I was exhausted. I put my jacket over my chair and went to bed. I think I had a glass of milk and that's about it.To be with a woman again is a great joy. I miss it very much. When I woke up (around 10pm), she texted me asking 'shall we meet on friday?'. I've not replied yet, but I will try my best to do so.

Now I've got a massive backlog of shit to wade through. Oh well, at least I took time off for the right reasons!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Getting ready for work with bacon and coffee

This morning I got up slowly but surely. Making some coffee, its cooling slowly. I also put together some bacon in the oven. Those will make sandwiches for later. There's something that has been on my mind lately. When I was growing up I was lucky enough not to have too many people die that I knew back then. That seems to be changing now. I worry that there will come a time when the people I know will mostly be dead and the world before me will be so out of recognition that I will only be using the past as a point of reference and that's the way people could understand me. People will think RSS feeds are crass and old fashioned and twitter is hopelessly outdated. What an age that will be!


Everyone dies. I must accept that. Even me, even my family. I am kind of selfish and I wish to live with them and I don't want to die without them. They say everyone dies alone, but I don't want to live alone.

Aunty Eileen

Dear Diary,


I'm pretty fucking badly behind.

Need to do more job apps. MUST DO MORE JOB APPS. Went to cinema today. I basically had to because my mate from eastern europe is back in town today. Sent an enquiry about jobs on Linkedin. Very useful. Also examined some postgrad courses and practiced piano. I caught up on creative writing. I wrote a poem, wrote two blog posts (non-Conatus) and I did a touch of job searching. I applied to write for another online publication, but this time about depression, and another thing happening today is that I found out my Aunty Eileen has terminal stage cancer. I may have mentioned this in previous posts. Aunty has been in the hospital and my mum said 'it's bad'. But hearing those words that basically she's going to die, it really hit me.

There's been too much death in my life. It will never stop. I have a big family and quite a few family friends. Grief is different to depression. The morbidly sad fact is, grief is a rational thing to have, and because its rational I can eventually get on with my life. Depression strikes me in bed, namely, whether I can get up or not.

Earlier today I looked at my schedule in 2011 to see if anything was different. I am sort of regretting that I saw it. Around this time last year was when I was banking and hoping for things to change and then it sort of imploded. I've got to make this shit work. In some ways my motivation has been good and in others it needs a lot of work. My fitness life has been good, my job search life hasn't.


I've been thinking about whether this grief news has been slowing me down. I presently don't believe that is the case. I presently don't think thats affecting me in a productivity sense. It is sad and I do feel sad. But sadness in this case differs from depression. As I've said, depression is the kindof thing that strikes you at the motivation. Sadness endures. I'm not sure which is worse.



Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I'm off to work later.


I wish I could tell you where I'm working, or who my clients are tonight, but professional I must be. I do really want to bloody tell you though!


So I've not done that much lately. Too much wanking. Today I have to get to work and hopefully I'll be productive. I need to do more stuff. I'm very bad. Accidie maybe. Yesterday I did a big ass session at the gym. I'm recovered, but I should get on a bit more.


There's a family situation unravelling at the moment. Family friend is gravely ill. It's not looking good. I'm worried, I don't want to say this has been distracting me because thats not an accurate excuse. But it is weighing heavily on my mind.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

A week in review (a good week review)

Dear Diary,


Lots of shit going on this week. But on the other hand, not as much as last week.

Here's a summary of things of this week:

  • 5 training sessions
  • 20+ job applications sent
  • Responded to tutoring queries
  • Worked one shift
  • Went to see Radiohead
  • Saw my mate's gig
  • Practiced some piano
  • Started some archiving


All in all. This is one of the only weeks in which I'm actually on target. However I need to do more. At the moment I've been filling out some forms, checking a massive backlog of emails and so forth. I need to stop and take a break and do low priority tasks. I need to warm down and pace myself for tomorrow, for it all starts again.

I think this was a good week. I got over my rejections and I'm moving forward. Let's see what next week brings. Maybe it will be better.

Friday, October 12, 2012

typing in the silence of a computer fan.

Good afternoon


I hate how in every post I say how Tired I am. Or how I have so much to do. well um, I'll try to talk about something different:


  • Garden meeting this week. We made a bit of progress. 
  • Did a fair bit of training, some weights, spinning, balance but no badminton
  • Saw Radiohead, fucking awesome
  • did a few calls, had a phone interview
  • Sent a fuckton of applications on weds
  • Went to work yesterday. Quite tired.
  • Going to gig today, also work drinks
  • Got GP prescription
  • Did a lot of job searching, but need to do more
  • Did a lot of sleeping. Now this might sound bad, but its very important for my fitness to sleep enough. I allowed myself a lie-in and not the kind when I feel miserable when I wake up. I didnt have too much trouble getting up today or yesterday. Not more than a normal person anyway
  • Lots more things to do this coming 7 days
  • Also lots of sad family stuff happening right now...but I need to push on all the same.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Sometimes the dark stuff isn't happening to me, but around me.

dear diary


I woke up, had a wank. now i'm lucid again.

There's a lot of dark shit going on lately. My neighbour/family friend is very ill. Fatally ill but nobody wants to acknowledge it. Second bout of pneumonia in a year, she's in pretty bad condition according to my mum. I was at a death anniversary last week which I may have mentioned. Also I am a bit troubled by another family friend who has talked of being mistreated at work and now he has very unstable mental health because of being laid off and mistreated. Life's getting pretty hard on people. Thinking about them makes me not think so much about myself. It's pretty worrying, sobering. In my mind I can't relax that much, I can't let go of knowing these things. I care about them and i wear it liek a burden of emotional stoicism.

I need to laugh more but I find few things funny. I comfort myself through eating, I think that's no secret.


The Plan for Today:

  • Call HR to claim expenses on travel - just did that now
  • Go to work
  • Go home
  • Go to gym? more applications? - all optional

My knee is a bit dicky today. It might be worth giving it a break.


Tomorrow I'm going to be off to do some fun stuff. Meet sociably, go to a gig. First time to meet a certain work colleague outside of work, you know, the one i like...

A quick update on my day (tl;dr - lots done, feel shit)

not in the mood to make a blog post but i thought i should anyway. Wednesday involved:

  • Job Search
  • Balance class
  • Weight training
  • 24 job applications
  • GP appointment
  • Telephone Interview

All in all. Not so bad.

Feeling miserable. Quite tired. Off to bed. Work tomorrow


Sunday, October 7, 2012

my cousin (25 years ago)

my cousin died 25 years ago in a senseless incident. My cousin drowned. It's the worst possible death one could have, he was 19 years old. When I was born, he came from Kenya to visit me for a year. His mother and sisters also came for a year, they went to school with my brother and sister and they would hang around the family all the time. I heard he was very friendly and sweet and he even had a crush on a couple of girls.

What is morbid to me is that those women are now 40-something and they are married with kids. The tragedy is that a 19 year old had a life ahead of him that never lived, because he died so young. I'm an old man comapred to him, and even though he was a much older cousin when I was born, I have no memory of him; he will stay forever young. I think the lucky ones in life grow old, and perhaps because of the way we mistreat the elderly, we become unlucky again with how the elderly are treated, if we ever get to that age.

They say youth is wasted on the young. My life is wasted due to the lack of opportunity. Lots of shit upset me today. Lots of stuff in my life making me feel hopeless. But today I thought also about other people in my family. I thought about what tragedy it was for two younger sisters to lose their older brother. How it must feel to be his friends, now in their early-mid 40s, around 44-45 years old, remembering a friend who was alive a lifetime ago.

I am unable to mourn him, because I didnt know him and there is just a gap, a nonexistent memory. I knew that he used to enjoy my company as a baby. I am sure he watched me and considered me a novelty in the similar way that I love carrying my little niece, although now she's growing up and can walk now. Everyone is moving on....

There was something said at the memorial earlier, it was something to the effect of: when (my cousin) died, he broke our hearts in two, a small piece and a big piece. The small piece was what he left behind, and the large piece was with you (i.e my cousin). It's sort of soppy and you might think its cringeworthy, but the way I see that little metaphor, is to say that his loss was a devastation that one could never recover from, and that's not cute, or sweet. It was a reality for my cousins and everyone that knew him well. But I never knew him...I want to say I feel sad at that, but I don't even know if I can. It's just a void, someone who I hear lots about in fond terms, I hear about him holding me but it feels like it doesn't involve me at all.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I am angry a lot, but it hides my sadness

Its easy to be angry, cos it looks cool and tough. But really, I'm vulnerable and that's not so cool and tough to acknowledge. Inside I am scared, and insecure. The life I have is full of uncertainties, specifically with the job market and how i can achieve independence as a disabled person.

I have rage inside me, and I try to make it a positive thing inside my head by making it a driving force, and making it achieve things at the gym. However, I think maybe i've been fooling myself, and its perhaps really based on not some tough guy mentality, but a deep sense of hurt.

I'm really depressed. I'm trying not to let it eat me inside, and not let the stuff around me consume me like how i'm underemployed and how my abilities should have gotten me further in life. I've disappointed myself, more than how anyone else has disappointed me in my life.

I guess this does sound kind of moany. I have tried so hard to get into a doctoral programme and into full time work, but its just not happening.

hiding anger in sadness

i didnt get the home officeopportunity or phd interview.


opportunity doesn't come to you, all of the advice says. I'm tired of reading about advice on graduate blogs and such. i'm tired of trying to make things work and ending up losing more than i can bear. i'm sad inside, and i'm fuming on the outside. i am alone, i want someone to talk to but nobody is around. really wish someone was around. i'm not really angry, i'm upset. i saw a forum after googling 'anger and sadness' and it says: anger is the cloak that sadness wears.


today didnt go so well. I think its fair to say. Nothing is going so well for me lately. It's all getting hard to handle. I used to pride myself on being emotionally aware, but now I think that I am confabulating and being overcome by my feelings. I wish I knew how to cope with this. I need help. can someone help me?

Friday, October 5, 2012

It messed up when I was doing my masters. It destroyed my relationships and fucked with my grades. I'm still suffering to this day by the stigma of it and the destruction it had from the way i changed when i engaged in the purging behaviours.

I have referred to it as an 'it', like its something separate from me, something external. I should accept that it was my fault and my responsibility. The things I did were my choice. I fucked up, I try every day to make things better but I cant undo what happened.

'it' feels like coming back...


also, i didnt get the funding.


Not much on the job application front. I went half way to scotland, then back again, then I changed clothes for work, then went to work, and I got some nasty ass chicken on the way home. I feel fat.


I'm off out again. I might try to catch up today. Hopefully.


Now onwards.


Oh yeah, that interview, I don't think it will work out. I did have a good feeling about it, but now...not sure.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

shining black

About to head off to the interview. I have a moment of stoic vulnerability. Perhaps if there was a song to capture how I feel it would be this

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

What I've been up to lately (a pretty meaningless post title as every post is about that)

I've been invited to a PhD interview. I was thinking about not going, but now I am thinking of going. In addition I am going to my uncle's 1 year anniversary mass, might stay over with Antonia, or at my aunt's. I'm now working on saturday evening, so afterwards I'm going to have to work. Thursday morning will involve me doing to the north for university, then after that I'll make my way to work. I'm not sure its wise to make my way home after work on account of the lack of time. I'm going to have to make a plan for Thursday, and Saturday. Maybe friday too.


Come sunday the hard stuff will be past me. Then I can relax. I said that last week and I still haven't applied to any jobs since then. Yesterday I can't remember what happened. It's a bit of a daze. I think I went to work, then I went home, made some calls to the university, then I went to spinning class. Then I went to Pilates, after doing some lunges. My body was pretty fucked after that, but in a good way. I had a really good sleep last night after that, I didnt have a care in the world because I knew that I did the hard stuff. Today I have to do the hard stuff but I'm hesitating too much.


I'm glad I'm busy. It means I am forced not to be in a stupour. Even when I am in a stupour. I've got to keep pushing and keep going. I feel the sad feelings inside me, I feel a lot of intense emotions. Now I need to just get on with the boring stuff and plan.


Another worry on my mind is money. I can't afford stuff at the moment. I'm going to have to do that very bad thing and withdraw cash from my ISA. Need to buy tickets for going up north, and then tickets to the midlands... Money is worrying me. Money is fucking with my head. However, getting an extra shift means an extra £40, plus I found out I can be reimbursed for the traveling on the train, and I can get a snack on expenses! This aids my anxiety.

Badminton later. I'm thinking of doing a double barbarian tonight of badminton + body balance. I've also found out (surprise) that I'm seeing Radiohead. So much going on...this is almost feeling like I'm living a normal life. I'm not normal though.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Dear Diary,


I have run out of excuses about being so slow today. But despite how slow I feel mentally, I'll have to just get on with my tasks for today.

10+6.5+4.5+5.5+4 = 30.5

*8.3 = 253.15


Today I caught up on some tasks, not enough, but some.


Then I entered my shifts, caught up on blogs, went to body balance, did some manscaping (legs this time). Now I feel tired. Today is a slow day. Because That interview took a lot of juice from me.


Tomorrow is another day. A relief that today passed by. Finally got a duvet instead of a sleeping bag to sleep in. It's getting darned cold.

October is mostly planned. Hopefully if I get interviews, it won't get in the way of work. But if it did, I could afford a few shifts ignored.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Hello again old friend.
No matter how long it has been since I've not seen you
I always feel like no time has passed

Autumn is cold, dreary and wet
It's the personification of my feelings
Nobody wants to go out, you have to wear more
It's less fun for barbeques

Being with you reminds me of my past Autumns
We have a history
I started purging around this time in 07
My life was fucked in 08
Girlfriend dumped me in 09
Started working in 10

Last year? I think time has passed enough to really reflect on it
I was miserable because I had a place on a scheme but couldn't get on it
For my own stupid reasons
I then found I had a few interviews
But none followed through
One interview really fucked with my head
It was for an events company,

This year?
A few interviews so far
Haven't got another job yet
Trying to keep busy with keeping fit
Trying to make more money

Maybe this year will be different
I keep saying that.
I'll say it again,
The light of summer is giving me hope
But maybe because it was still a little while ago
When you could walk around in a vest and shorts

Monday, September 24, 2012

sartorial reflections

sartorial reflections come to mind today, because I wore the same clothes for two days straight, at 5 different occaisions.

  • Waistcoats make me look like the joker - get more of them
  • I might need to consider new boots. I like boots
  • Great new cords worked perfectly. And with this weekend really marks the beginning of autumn. Hello dreariness
  • Long jacket is a staple

Clothes I keep for a while. Clothes last a while. I also associate clothes with memories. There was a period when I started purging where I got a jacket from cost-co. I thought it was the hottest shit in the world. It was a grey pea coat, size Large. It hanged off me and it seemed to have all the traits of the other peacoat I owned. I loved that peacoat.

I now hate both of them. One of them reminds me of being a real dick after my incarceration i started purging. I thought it was a symbol of me mixing between casual and smart. I feel like my life is a lot of 'lost time'. All these job applications, all the rejections. I'm wasting my life because I can't afford to improve it, and I can't get a job full time. I'm trying...god damn it I'm trying.

The grey pea coat, I only wore it a few times, but then I lost interest in it. The faded blue peacoat represents Marie. It represents mistakes. The mp3 player I currently have I got just after I knew marie, when I was still waiting for her, and she never contacted me again. My most recent jacket that I bought, its also from a dark time.


I need new clothes. Not just to update my inventory, but to reflect me letting go of the past. Letting go of the lost time period.

I just wish the 'lost time' period wasn't still going on.


Off to bed now.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

dear diary


weird day today. Food festival for the garden. Maybe the first of its kind. Met lots of nice people today. Really nice to be around people who like the idea of the garden. It would be good to get more people involved. Less of myself as well! The irony of a food festival is that I barely ate today. Most of my food was junk, but in terms of the calories (whether bad or not) i haven't had enough.


went out with friends. Jamming session. wore uniqlo blue shirt. Was a lot of fun. I love uniqlo shirts. Spent £50 on uniqlo clothes on friday. Well worth it. One of my favourite bloggers is getting a book published. Really happy for her. Also, I realise how shit this blog is. I don't write this to be read. I write to be expressed. I'm so tired right now. In 8 hours I have to get to the 2nd day of the event. One of the garden people is going to be dressed as a tomato. That will be cute.


Went to club earlier. That was uncomfortable. I felt very uncomfortable. I was sober, my anxiety was up. I left 'early'. I had nothing more to prove today. I've reached the limit of my anxiety in public situations and wearing my social face. Like physical exercise. There's a time to stop. Now, bed.


friend told me of a nasty secret. I told him honestly: when you tell me stuff that people promise that you won't tell others. I expect you to hold that promise.

Friday, September 21, 2012

i had some pretty weird dreams. first one was about a wierd thing my friends were doing to me. They made me sit on a pumpkin naked and threw scissors into the pumpkin 3.5 ft away. I got scared. Then there was a poo that came out of me, but it wasn't mine, and it came out sideways. I know how gross that is. I have no idea what that means.


Second dream was me being dominated by a woman who looked like someone on fetlife. It felt so good, I completely submitted to her, even to the point where she'd cut me and if i was bad i would have eaten her booby prize food (I won't go into it here). Needless to say, weird scatalogical symbolisms in my dreams.


What the fuck indeed.second dream was sexy in other parts tholugh. I enjoyed being a submissive

Thursday, September 20, 2012

just one step at a time

Dear Diary,


I'm off to work. Sort of long shift today. Well, the length of an ordinary day of work, actually, except it starts at 1pm. I'm packing all my gear. Yesterday was sorta-productive. I have to continue the flow for the next few days. however, tomorrrow is work from midday (basically my whole day is gone), then I have some other activities in the weekend.


Just one step at a time...[been a while since I said that]

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dear Diary


Didn't get the job. Typical. Gonna lay in bed feeling depressed now. Lots to do today. Must get on.

Monday, September 17, 2012

monday morning (podcasts at 10am - In Our Time on the Cell)

Dear Diary,


woke up early. presumably because I slept early. I find that exercising and actually tiring yourself out during a day is a great way to sleep. I got up at 7:30, got out of bed properly by around 8am. It's nearly 10am now and I've spent the past couple hours catching up on RSS feeds and setting up the next day of tasks. I've opened up a bunch of windows and I will deal with them systematically. I find this is my pattern for mondays with job searching. I do all the searching at the start of the week, then the applying.



p.s. I feel a bit more chirpy than last night. Optimistic - no, but determined, maybe


Sunday, September 16, 2012

note to self: hearing from former university friends through social media - depressing

sunday night aint alright (indie playlist in the evening)

Dear Diary.

Not feeling too well right now.

in fact I feel shit. Interview on tuesday, I have no hope to passing or succeeding in it when it happens.

I went to the garden today, perhaps the only positive achievement of today. I carried a massive sack of branches and leaves (my dad cut them from the garden) and put them into the compost heap. Really tiring, really worn down. I then shifted some of the compost

Got my tax return a couple of days ago. If I'm conservative with my spending, this will last a while. May even have enough money to go on a date!

I spent the past 3 hours reading magazines, or as its called in my schedule 'pdf reading'. I do schedule 'fun' time into my calendar, I have been putting it off. I guess today is a good day to call up on the stock of non priority tasks. Right now my brain is killing me. I'm thinking of laying in bed checking google reader for news. I have lots of RSS shit to catch up on.

My head is fucking killing me. Gym is closed for 2 weeks now. That chicken bake I ate wasn't so great, so why did I eat two??

Saturday, September 15, 2012

lethargy day (but productive?)

Dear Diary,

I'm feelign tired so I'll keep it brief, today I put stuff on ebay, tidied up my room, did some washing, practiced piano, caught up watching tv, did some training at the gym and now I'm really tired. Could have done more today but I'm just feeling lethargic today.

Gym's closing for refurb for the next couple weeks. I'll need to find alternative plans to weight training.


Gonna lay in bed now. This is what I've wanted all day.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Show me a happy loser and I'll show you a loser.

Interview 2 complete. interview 1 I just got notice that I didn't get it.

Treat every interview like the job you are going to get. But if I'm honest I am not happy about not getting the job. The lady employer called to tell me, then she called again to tell me that I scored highest in the competency tests (but not the interview). Not really helpful. Not really helpful that I was close to getting a job I didn't get. Show me a happy loser and I'll show you a loser.

I feel like purging, if I'm honest, that'show I truly feel. The need to express anger, comfrot, consolation, hatred and regret. Its all done through two fingers.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Dear Diary:


felt stupoured again. Not good.  I think I was malnourished. Today I did the following:

  • Job search
  • Interview prep
  • Body Balance
  • Archiving/blog tagging
  • Preparing reading schedule for book review
  • Investigated some PhD studentships

I feel like I'm not doing enough compared to the past few days. I said to myslef that I would have at least one day a week where I wouldn't be as productive. I've had about 2, but normally on days where I think I won't be productive, I am productive. Today I felt very low motivation. My blog is probably going to sound miserable again, weather is getting shit, so's my mind.


Lets hink of positives: I had a good laugh at body balance. The instructor made a joke, she said: there's a man staring at us from outside, he's pretending not to stare, lets give him something to look at: someone strip naked, maybe not you Conatus. The joke was that I'm the only guy and highlighting the male gaze (of the man). Am I the token man of an all female gym class? I don't care, I used to be in sociology seminars as the only guy, I was there for the theory, and I'm in that body balance class to work on my abs, I need ab days because its not as fun doing crunches in the gym on my own, doing weights is fun but not the floor exercises.

Interview later. Also I'll try to do spinning, then prep for the interview on friday.

Now I'm tired. Too tired to wank too.


By the way, I accidently entered this website when I joined a forum, and someone saw the blog. She's nice,despite how immature I am on this blog (especially with my self-abuse), she still thinks I'm a nice guy. I guess to most people I am actualyl a nice guy: I'm good to my mum and I'm friendly at work, and I hate when people make misogynist remarks in the workplace. I like to appear boring in real life, its more accessible, more friendly. Children smile at me a lot lately, don't know why, maybe its the hair. I smile back.The woman on the form now chats to me a bit, she's nice. Its nice to have someone who likes similar music to me, who is also really sympathetic. I talked to her about mia. I got kind of upset when I brought it up, all those painful memories.

I need to focus on making new memories, as Laura said I should. I miss my chats with Laura, why were so many of the nice girls named laura, there's more than one blood laura. There's the laura from 2007, the Laura from 2010, then the two Lauras I dated in 2006 and 2007 respectively ( the latter is different to the aforementioned laura from 2007). I made a joke with the OKC girl (I call her Rae) I was chatting to, her name was close to Antonia's, but it wasn't Antonia. Rae's probably found a nice bf now.

A girl on OKC messaged me last night, she said: so you don't like Manic Pixie Dream Girls? No, I love them, thats the problem. I was coming home from the class tonight and I was thinking to myself, all that pain I put myself through at the gym, its nothing compared to the hurt I got from Marie, having bulimia and being severely depressed. That physical pain is like a little reminder, like when you listen to a song on the radio and remember a concert. I can turn the radio off. I can choose to go to those classes. I embrace that pain, I want more pain, maybe because I've had worse, but only just.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So long summer

So, victory parade on monday. We'll miss you from the tv you wonderful athletes.


Lets talk about tuesday. Woke up, early as it happens. I sent off an item sold on ebay. I then had breakfast. I got suddenly tired around 1pm. Fell asleep until 4:30. Ignored my schedule, played badminton. Quite an endurance session. Legs still off, I';ve been really tired today. Not sure why. Other things I've done today:


Interview invitation - central government job. Need to think seriously about this after friday.

Sent off october shifts


Dispatched ebay item

Caught up on thunderbird stray email tabs.

got a few messages from fetlife. Got a message on OKcupid from a cute girl, who said she's a card carrying manic pixie dream girl. Looked at her profile, she loves the smiths.


Why do all of the MPDG's love the smiths? anyway, it was pretty cold today, the start of a pattern. I need to get ready for the cold. Here come the dark times. To put it in the words of James Hetfield: Do I have the strength/to know how i'll go?/Can I find it inside/to deal with what I shouldn't know?

Monday, September 10, 2012

Dear Diary,


woke up at 9, got up at 10. I've organised a social media campaign for a community event in a couple of weeks, but besides that not done much. Got to take things more seriously today. Watching the parade on the bbc news feed. Looks fun.


Got to get more done today!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

half a bottle of gin (keith jarrett in the midnight)

dear diary,

overall the week has been good. kept busy, kept active. weekeind I decided to just keep things light, I was invited to a bbq by friends last night, ended up drinking half a bottle of gin. I then barely remember my stupidity, I texted a lot of people with the word teacup. anyway this week at work I saw some paralympians, i shouldn't say too much about my job, but I will say this: it was genuinely inspiring to see people who were part of the public consciousness right now who represent something so special. Makes me proud to be british to know that the paralympics was hosted in my home city.

So I woke up this morning with a killer hangover. I got to work. work was fine. Lot of sitting, I sat down for 2 hours and it passed quickly. I was reading articles on my phone. Must have read about 50 blog posts. Lots of catching up. I got home, I realised how tired I was when I discovered to myself how much of a lack of concentration and giving a shit I had today. Saw the paralympic closing ceremony. Bit too much coldplay, but otherwise it was wonderful.

Lots to do tomorrow. Feel like I don't give a shit right now. My head is all mangled. I am in a stupour. Worked today, that's probably all that matters for now. Even got free food at work. Very nice.Off to bed now.I'm not very lucid as you can tell. I'm forcing myself to post. Maybe its that gin from yesterday making me so ill-worded (ill worded?) I had an anxiety moment earlier today. I've been trying to relax to avoid it.

Off to bed now.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

awkward guys at spinning class

came back from spinning. Had a protein shake, with soy milk this time. God it was panacea to me after that session. Really hard today, wore my tough guy vest since I was wearing it all day today. There was a feminist moment of realisation today, when these two guys came into the class, all acting tough, talking (presumably) Gujurati to each other really loudly over the instructor's teaching. I think it made people feel uncomfortable. There was a moment when I thought maybe these guys were just feeling kinda bro-like after a weights session. I totally understand that feeling, but you have to respect that its communal space.


There was a moment when one of the guys took his shirt off and I was thinking to myself: this is an example of what Garfinkel would call 'breaching'. Another part of me thought: man, I wish I could do that too! The instructor (female) wasn't impressed and she felt very uncomfortable at the attitude of the men (feminist moment). I realised how their impact and sense of hypermasculinity (which, by the way I can relate to) was being at the level of complete dickhead-ery. One of the guys later left the class early before the warmdown, in fairness another of the women did this and I could see in the instructor's face that she wasn't happy about it.


I kind of like the instructor, she has cool tattoos, plus she is a little bit cute. I also like that she's a real taskmaster and puts me through pain. I kind of like having an instructor who is closer to my age. More relatable, the other instructors at the gym (pilates body balance) are very much more of the 'working mother/wife/real life career woman' sorta vibe. Which is cool, but that's definately not me as a male equivalent. I wish it would be though. Maybe one day I could get a proper job, find a girlfriend and settle down. Maybe we could be polyamorous.

went to a workshop today, for help with job searching. I felt kinda anxious, then angry, then sad. Then some triggers happened and I was trying to hide my tears. Its a touchy subject for me, cos finding work is so hard for me right now. These guys did help me.


There was a guy who was very eccentric, and he was a right old brainbox too. I think he has a PhD in Physics and trying to break into accounting. I think he was Autism spectrum. Terrific chap, he even offered to help a girl with her PhD application, he gave her his number and email and said he's there if he wasn't to meet up for a chat sometime for PhD advice. A part of me laughed inside, thinking this is a seems legit moment, but this but was too oblivious to realise this was a potentially good chatup line, in fact he was actually sincere about it and that's the thing I really liked about him.


I also talked to a female woman who as it happens, went to the same uni as me. I made a funny in-joke about Bristol and we reminisced a bit. Nice to meet a Bristol alumni, even in a place as strange as that. As I saw her face, I then realised I may have seen her before during Bristol days. I do have a good memory for things like this, and it wouldn't be too weird if that was the case. After all, most Bristol Grads end up in London professionally, anyway.


So I'm back home, my anxiety is still up. Work tomorrow but not until 1430. I also have work on Sunday, so I can't do the garden. I'm thinking about going to spinning class (even though I've barely been back home). I put on my white shirt today and I saw my belly and I wasn't too impressed. This month I've been thinking about reducing my weight, and cardio would be a good way to do so. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I just said no, stayed home and rested. My motivation is quite low actually, after that workshop.

Onwards (with a smile)

Yesterday involved:


3 job applications. Going to spinning class instead of balance after weights (exhausting and a killer on my legs), did some job searching and then I got invited to an interview.

Not bad? It's a good pace for the week. Today I'm going to a disability workshop in Google HQ (cool I know). Hope it gets me somewhere.


Now I'll have a wank, then breakfast. Then I'll see what I need to do.I feel positive. I think the gym helps. I want to go again today for spinning. No weights. Need to recover.


Onwards (with a smile)

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Another job interview

Dear Diary,


Woke up at 10am. Phone alarm went off at 7am but I was way too exhuasted to get up. I felt a bit bad about getting up so late. Today I've not been as productive as yesterday. But I'm just finishing off an application and that will make 3 applications today. Good enough to go to the gym. I was invited to an interview, the day before the other interview. So, two interview invitations in as many weeks, two interviews.


Take it at one's stride. I've done a lot of gym sessions this week already. about 3 days in a row already. Tomorrow will make 4. I'm going to a workshop tomorrow for employability. I am then off to work on friday. Not any oppurtunity to work out. Also can't do garden on sunday as I'm at work. So it's all pretty busy. Busy is good though.


I am going to make this a positive blog. I'm going to make this positive. I'm going to be positive and do positive things. I'm going to keep going even though that thing I mentioned last post is going to happen in a very likely sense. I'll have a setback and a crash. Two interview rejections at once and I'll be 'back to square one'.

Won't let that happen.

Can't let that happen.


I miss Rae

Dear Diary,


Sent 2 job applications that were properly prepared. Sent about 16 through a job board (CV-LIbrary). So I will call that at 12 applications. In my waking day (which will include after midnight on tuesday evening, I will have applied to 13 jobs. Sent off a writing sample for PhD application that I completed last week. Did badminton as well.

Do I feel like I've done enough today? No, not really. But if wednesday were like tuesday, or even Monday. I'll be on a good pace.

My motivation has been really good these past few days. Gym involvement has been good too.


I know the cycle though: I'm going to get a PhD rejection, or rejection from the interview. Then I'm going to feel shit, then I'll realise that its mid/late september and the sadness collapses onto me and I lose motivation and end up overeating and everything turns to shit again.I'd like to say I can't let that happen, but life seems to be cyclical for me in that way.

Can't believe it's fucking september. I still remember when it was July. I still remember when I was saying: I can't believe its fucking July!

That stuff is all periphery now. Reflection is resignation as far as I'm concerned and I must not be resigned to failure.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.


Almost fucked up my shoulder in badminton today, my knees and ankles weren't so great either. This is probably the most number of jobs I've ever applied to today. What matters however, is how I move forward.


It's kind of lonely without that girl. I'm going to call her Rae. Rae's probably going to move on with her life, find a boyfriend who isn't a loser and who isn't too poor to find a place to live. Rae was perhaps the first girl I've met in forever who really seems like girlfriend material. When I met Antonia I was kind of living a double life and running off steam that I couldn't sustain, because I was purging and everything was going too fast. Now is different. I'm more grounded.

I'm on my own again. It's important to remember how to be on your own. I sent off an essay today, that I wrote completely on my own. It was scary that time. Was talking to Antonia on facebook today, mostly because the absence of Rae left an internet shaped hole in my heart today. Antonia reminded me of ...that really dark time I failed my essay.

That's the burden I have to carry inside me. My failure as a person. Must not dwell on the failures. Work for the success.

Let's go to bed now.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

well said.

Fighting chance.

Dear Diary,


Last night I was feeling kind of lonely. The girl I normally chat to online has started a new job, and she's doing work related training and her life is all different now that she's working full time. Makes me kind of sad that I don't have someone to chat to, but it is good for her I must be honest with myself. It's good for her that she's earning more and in a better position to improve her life.

Maybe I'm jealous. I don't want to be like David, who relished in my misery when we were mates at uni.

So this morning. I got up *reasonably* early. Alarm went off at 7:30. I actually woke up at 9:30. Bit later than yesterday but still a good time. I'm thinking to myself: I'll plan the next few hours with tasks, then do them all systematically. I woke up this morning thinking to myself (at 9:30 am): I'm going to wake up, start things at 10am and then I will have 7 hours until I go to Badminton.

I think i appreciate now what I didn't when I was depressed all those years ago: the importance of routine. Every day I'm recovering from the how terrible it was. It's not so terrible now, or rather: at least now I have a fighting chance. I know its a but unusual for me to comment on the news and stuff, but Naomi Wolf's appearance on Newsnight was a bit weird. It's great having a woman talk about issues that are strongly relevant to women, but it was really weird. Talking about rape and her view that victims shouldn't be anonymous.

So here I am. The whole day ahead of me. It's september 2012. I'm 26, all this shit is not happening in my life and I can barely afford anything with what I'm earning. I need to make life work. I need to make this work. I need to have this in my mind that I MUST MAKE IT WORK. I'm tired of white priviledge. I'm tired of the lack of oppurtunities. I need to be aggressive, one way, or the other. I can't take this lying down anymore


An this is when I start feeling overwhelmed and lay down. - but I can't do that. Today I need to do my schedule tasks. I enjoyed my protein shake yesterday. Now I'm off to have breakfast.

Positive Anxiety

I feel like my brain chemistry changes temporarily after I'm back from a gym session. i did a spinning class which was oversubscribed and I had to use a broken bike. Did some weights before and after, even though I didn't get many fito points it felt horrible to do those weights as it was stretching me quite a bit, even if it wasn't very lightweight. I'll tell you one positive and that is I have less trouble sleeping if I've exhausted my body at the gym!


So I got home. I counted it as a double gym session. I had supper. Had a pot noodle. Catching up on blog stuff. So tired. I've been awake since like 8-9am. All in all, I think I achieved enough today. Just hope that tomorrow feels better. I can't shake the emotion I have since last week that I haven't been doing enough and that I'm procrastinating too much. I need to use that anxiety in a positive way.

Monday, September 3, 2012

A stop to pause and blog.

Dear Diary,

This is an odd thing to say. It's 3pm and I have already reached my quota of 3 applications today. About to work on my fourth. Thinking about taking a wank break. Thinking about going later to spinning class. Maybe weights session afterwards. Would love to do a double gym session to exhaust me, then maybe I'll read some magazines before I go to bed. I like the idea of going to bed early. I like the idea of having a routine. Two shifts at work this week. I barely had 2 shifts last month. Hope things pick up, for my wallet's sake. For my life's sake.


Last week was not too bad.

Dear Diary,


There's something healthy about working out at the gym and gardening. Yesterday I was at the community garden and got quite a pump. I then went to the gym because I'm a glutton for endurance. I got home, watched a movie with the intention of possibly sleeping. I then managed to continue my job search, and sent 4 job applications. So the tally of jobs applied last week: 14. Number of fitness sessions: 5. Number of Piano Practice sessions: 5.

In short, things were pretty good for activity. I also got invited to an interview last week. Now I need to keep it up. I woke up early today. I decided to do non priority tasks in the morning and that is scheduled to last until 12pm (10 minutes). I'm then going to apply to some jobs. I'm trying to catch up with stuff but I have numerous dimensions in which I try to catch up. I have lots of newspaper articles and blogs that I haven't read yet, but that's low priority. Now. To get on with job applying. This is the scary part of my day.


Possible plan for the evening: go to planning meeting, or go to gym for spinning class. I think I've already made up my mind. Also, I've been plucking my nose hairs. They are incredibly long. I'm getting old!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Bromances and the Action Film

Over the month just passed I got to see the action film Expendables 2 with a group of friends of mine. I even got to Leicester Square to see the stars go along the red carpet. Action films are a guilty pleasure of mine, and among a certain group of friends of mine, provides a forum for male bonding and lots of laughter.

Action films are lowbrow, sometimes misogynist and even have subtle right wing political angles to them. But we still somehow choose to ignore these things. I think films such as these are often described as ‘leave your brain at the door’. I hardly watch action films these days, or any films for that matter on a regular basis. But there’s something about the camaraderie of being among old friends that makes the action film a centerpiece of our amusement.

This month I reconnected with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in years. I guess you could also say we have a bromance thing going on as well. It’s perhaps no coincidence that a certain group of my friends enjoyed watching the Expendables, which was a film about a diverse group of men who laugh together have bizarre conversations and their own odd conception of masculinity.

What I enjoyed about the Expendables were the non-traditional aspects of macho masculinity that were displayed by some of the characters. Dolph Lundgren’s ‘Gunnar Jensen’ has a Masters degree in Chemical Engineering and was a Fullbright scholar. Randy Couture’s ‘Toll Road’ is ‘college educated’ and displays a degree of vulnerability about his character, less vocal than the others and often seen reading in the background than conversing. Maybe I’m reading too much into a brainless film. Maybe I’m reading too much into a brainless film.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of a bromance lately. With friend I reconnected with, I really enjoy his company. I loved playing with him in our jamming session. I loved going out to a club with him. I loved sharing war stories and talking about our dreams and hopes. My other friends just aren’t like that.

I think there is a moral about the tale of modern masculinity. It acknowledges that it is a parody of what the notion of masculinity should be, but there is also genuine affection in it too. Men seem to bond better by doing than talking. I think I certainly do anyway.