Saturday, July 31, 2010

That thing Nietzsche said about demons becoming you...

Mia's influence is something I try to resist. She's a voice that's always there. Sometimes I'm strong enough to resist, sometimes I'm not. But whatever happens, her influence is turning me into someone. Even if it is a person who forms in opposition to her.

When I was thin, I was a cruel person. I could say hateful things and make it into an art. It was a skill I used toward people whom I considered it to be a justified act. Back then I had a sense of physiognomic and moral righteousness. As a fat person, I do not have that permission to be a bastard. Thin people do, beautiful people do. It's as if to say 'I'm better than you, you FUCK'. I've held back my anger and kept a good tempered nature of late.

Anger becomes me. Part of me, perhaps mia; is telling me that when I'm thin, I can dispense insults and express my anger and hatred. Hatred brought a lot of creativity in my life. It also brought destruction. I'm not sure if that is a welcome part of me.

I was at a lecture once where it was left as an open question, towards whether a person at their most optimal and their highest amount of eminence; even if they were evil. Would it be better to be the justified villain, or the underdog goodie? n a sense I feel that my life is a story of being forced into the latter. I can easily envisage a person who, if powerful enough, would be a complete cunt.

I never apologise when I'm angry. That's because I believe that I was right, I believe that I was being controlled and directed in my anger and as such, it was justified not meritorious of an apology.

I'm starting to feel that mia as an alternate psyche, a binker; in my head, more than an eating disorder. I dont really 'purge' much these days. But there's something inside me changing. I'm feeling angry. This intense anger, I'm not sure if its at myself or at the world. Mia channels that anger when I purge. Anger is an emotion men are comfortable with. It's less threatening to be angry than it is to express hurt. Who am I? I ask myself this question, and I'm not really sure.

Perhaps I should question less and DO more. Yesterday was a bit slow, except for my jog today (well done, by the way). Maybe I'm just having an anger trigger. But I have had this thought a few times this week: maybe fighting the monster makes me into one...

The things I almost reveal

I've been thinking about this issue a couple of times today. What piece of information that gives away a lot about me, that I almost at one time revealed. Sometimes I consider whether it was right to not disclose it, even if I intended or wanted to.

I once almost revealed to Antonia that I had this blog. In a sense I'm better off because people I know reading this would ruin my blog.

I once also almost revealed to a girl at uni who I was sort of close to, that I had bulimia. I didn't disclose it. I was so close a number of times to doing so, however.

On both counts. I'm glad that it ended up the way it did. I wonder however, if there was something I did, where if I were to not do it, or not have the inclination; would have made my life better?

The one instance I'm immediately thinking of is the first day of university. If I had it differently, I would have went out to the hall JCR on the first day, instead of staying at home. That event really defined a lot of my university experience. Or rather, I let it define me. I felt so isolated back then.

I hate being alone. Talking of isolation, someone unwelcome has just messaged me...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Malware and MP3s

Two things which are really bothersome right now. One is more psychological, the other relates to having a computer that is shit.

I'm getting tired of the tracks on my MP3 player. I am tired of a certain melodeath metal band, and finnish heavy metal. I'm restless musically. I want to listen to more things, but I'm too tired to put in the effort. So, lately, I've been listening to podcasts. I guess that's a middle way of sorts. I'mtired of listening to the same depressing overly loud gain guitars. Am I put off metal? No, it's just tiresome being in that niche that I was once in. Im slightly afraid to admit such a thing because I dislike change, I dislike my recognition that I'm tired of being musically in a single place. I'm afraid of realising that I need to, and want to move on. with my life, with my interests, and with the way thigns are now. The unfamiliar is scary.

Malware. Fucking hell! For nearly two weeks my computer is opening up random search engines and not opening the links I click on google. It's really getting on my bits and I want to purge this bloody malicious software. I think it happened from an update of javascript. or it is a fake kind of upgrade that masks a malicious bug.

Ah, I got that off my chest. I hate when things with  computers don't work. I like when it does work, though.

Ugh (stupour)

So yesterday two things happened, but only two. Well, three perhaps. Lets talk about them.

1. Job interview

I don't think I got it. Do you know why I think that? Cos I never fucking get it. I have admin experience, personal customer care experience, experience of working independently, good communication skills. But I have long hair, a fat body and more importantly, I didn't play up my team building skills enough. That said, I hope for the best.

2. Comedy

I went to soho. I should get used to soho. Its a really nice area. A block full of clubs and pubs and jazz places and other such things (like a subway and tesco on Dean's Street). I love that small bit of london around tottenham court road. I knew it as a child for forbidden planet. Then I went to the British Museum. I then had the lovely joyous experience of seeing some gigs in the now destroyed astoria. I got my nightwish album signed there and talked to the cool bassist. Now I have one more fond memory, I saw one of my favourite podcasting comedians, we had a shaking of hands (shooked hands? doesn't sound right) and he gave me two promotional stickers. It was so cool. One positive to consider if I get the job, is that I can hang around soho and oxford street and charing cross during lunch times, or spend evenings with easy access to the night life of London's fine centre. I'd feel like a real human being...

3. Weight

On the way home, I was tempted to eat, hell, I wouldn't have blamed myself if I ate some takeaway. I might have mentioned in yesterday's post that I lost a significant amount of weight (namely by binge eating passing through my bowels). Yesterday I ate fairly conservatively, and I made it through my walk home from the tube without getting snagged by an ugly smelly ethnic-minority-y takeout option. Today I'm 224.2. It's more than yesterday, but considering my target for last week was 225, and the modified target was 226; I'm pleasantly surprised by this change of hand.

Every pound counts. I must get closer to the target ideal goal weight. A lot hangs in the balance. I drank a fair bit last night, a fair bit considering that I've not had much for sustinence. This morning I was a little drowsy, not hungover, but lazy. I've not done a great deal today. Being upright is perhaps enough for now. I was emotionally drained after the interview. In addition to a limited amount of sleep for the past few days (6hrs a night), I ventured to have a nap between the interview and before leaving for soho. I was considering that I may go out tonight, however I would do myself better if I stayed in. Funds are tight. Then again, the social oppurtunities of my life are limited.

Decisions, decisions. Fuck.

Anyway. I better go and shower my naked body, clean my cock (its all smelly from wanking) and change clothes. I might even do something.

Despite my laziness, I think this week is positive. I'm going to list the positives.

1. I applied to some shit this week
2. Interview
3. Comedy
4. lost weight
5. Avoiding the binge and purge routine
6. Some jogging
7.  Keeping busy counts as keeping the heart pumping and the calories (output) up
8. Increased confidence and body positivity (but that's ongoing, and slow)
9. I feel hope, its small, but its there...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

lowest weight in months

My current weight is 223.8 lbs.

I don't know why. Yesterday I gave a list of what I ate, I forgot to add that I also had some special K and a sea bass fillet in the last post. 223.8 is an unbelievable weight and I don't feel thinner. However, it's a welcome step forward and I must admit that I may regain a pound or two any time just normally. I'll try to be good and pure and eat within my calorie limit. Maybe I'll get lower still and go to the 200lb point. I will then start to wear my body a little more proudly and hope to get to 180, then 160 then 140 perhaps!

I've got a lot to think about today and tomorrow. Weight is in a sense, the least of my worries. Interview later, then getting home. I'll try to consume some productive time as I get back before I head off to the comedy night. I hope they have my name on a list or something cos I don't technically have a ticket. That reminds me that I should check my balance. I did a stupid thing yesterday, I swiped my oyster card thinking that I already swiped it, but it charged me, and propably charged maximum fare. Fuck.

I'm going to get my pity coins from my box next to my desk and trade up for some monies at the sainsburys coinstar machine. I was in my mind last night. In a place that I call the 'domain of self'. It's this world in my own head, where there are different versions of me there, in constant conversation. This might not make sense to you, but we were all having this fight against mia as an externalised person. All of us teamed up together, every version of my adult self. I counted about 7 of them, 7 archetypes:

The sixth form me - ambitious, foppy haired and true
The first year me - empty, depressed and hopeless#
The second year me - also like first year but now anxious but a little positive
The 'transition' me - In second year I met some friends and rediscovered hope again, but it was still tough living as him
Third year me - suicide attempt, nuthouse, fat, etc
mia me - when I had mia in 2007 and I got obsessed over Marie, thinnest I've ever been
Antonia me - the me when I was lost and out of uni but loved her, i even know the jacket he wears
Present me - I'm a descendent of all of them, I've fought each version in my mind and they all pose different challenges. They fought their various battles so that I'd be where I am now. I must continue the fight to make them proud, and make myself proud.

Some of those Me's I've not liked, over time I came to like them, some of them I still haven't decided about, andthe most recent transition (Antonia me) I'm still dealing with in my head. I visualised all of them fighting mia, but then she separated them, divide and conquer, to keep me captive and hurt me, but then one volunteer from the other group was brave or stupid) enough to save me, it was the 17-18 year old me. In that horrible green waistcoat, those chelsea boots (a style which I still wear to this day -funny that) and his virgin grin came to try and save me.

Maybe that symbolic mental battle last night represents something deeper in me, a deeper change. Time will tell, all I know however, is that today I have a chance to make things right. This job interview is my hope to get into paid emmployment, make money, and buy all those things I need. Then maybe I can get a social life, make friends, meet people, enjoy the fruits of the city, and get a new life together.

The new life requires a new body, so I must be working on all fronts; like how those versions of me fought to preserve me. They fought hard, I must continue the fight.

Thank you, past versions of me. You got me to this point. I'm going to now take you further.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I'm feeling anxious. But I'm coping. It's just a steep climb, and I mustn't forget to put one foot in front of the other (mixed metaphor malapropism?).

Anyway. As I got back home from my internship (nice day at the office...), I got home to lots of food in the fridge. I ate enough to call supper. I also calmed down a bit, talked to my dad. I got some tickets. One for a beer festival with my good made next week; and I also got some tickets to go to the royal opera house, I got the tickets for free. How posh!

I feel anxious because I have a lot of tasks to deal with.

  • Unpacking
  • Checking emails
  • Putting clothes back into wardrobe
  • entering calorie data(1)
  • consider another PhD studentship advertised (2)
  • I got an email which is essentially someone headhunting for a lecturer (3)
  • preparing for interview tomorrow (fuck)
  • Have a shower (im sweaty)
So, lets talk about the details that are numbered

1. I ate

Bottle of lucozade
Fizzy water (doesn't count)
three doughnuts (coming home)
c. 90g coleslaw
6x mini scotch eggs

2. PhD studentship. I feel quite tired right now and I feel its a bit of effort to elaborate on this. There's a PhD studentship advertised in Switzerland that I might apply to. It won't take much effort but emailing my referees to email them by 8th August. I need to think fast on this one. In addition, I'm not sure if I fit the profile for:

i. I don't speak proper french (lets not even mention german)
ii. The project just about fits my research expertise
iii. It's not 'my' research project, they have already defined their thesis

On the plus side, the pay is about 22k in stirling. Oh fuck.

3. Headhunted as a lecturer? I got emailed by one of those recruitment consultant something or others cos I'm listed as a tutor in some websites. Firstly, what the fuck? Secondly, really? what the fuck? Thirdly, Maybe i might be good for this...

Anyway. I need to get on with the aforementioned tasks, so I'm ending this log.

Alice Cooper in the morning

I'm making it a theme to stay what I'm listening to when I post.

I woke up at 6.20 am. I felt really good. I had a couple of bowel movements, as my mum likes to call it. This morning I feel a little positive, I looked at my body and I'm seeing 'lines' of lean shaping. I like how my upper body is getting a bit more developed, of course its just small steps. I had a shower, then a wank, then a big breakfast. I had a fillet of sea bass (from yesterday) as well as a bowl of special K. I love special K, it has a sexy woman on it.  Its as if the woman is saying 'i'm beautiful and thin and because of that I'm living a wonderful successful happy life, if you are thin too then you can live my lifestyle too and we can go to yoga classes together like a happy couple.

Don't worry, as I've typed this post, I've thought 'what the fuck?' to myself too. I'm having a brain shit. I had really liquidy shit this morning, its a day overdue to be honest. All that evil eaten since sunday has finally left my body. So, today, I'm off to the office. I'm going to have an interview on thursday and then I'll go off to a comedy club later on. My bowels still feel unsettled.

I sincerely hope that my life improves for the better. I hope that I can be thin and happy again. I'm also anxiously pondering upon what shirt to wear today. White is simply the only option for this day; however, I only have two white shirts and one of them my mum will bother me about because its a 'fancy' shirt and she'll feel obliged to iron it. I need to start ironing my own fucking shirts. That's simply not acceptable to talk to feminists on forums without doing my own fucking laundry. How much hypocrisy is that? I really should avoid hypocrisy.

Talking of inadequacy, it looks really hot out there today. I'm a little afraid of breaking out a sweat while I'm in my work gear. I really hope that I'll get that job tomorrow. Even the leather strap of my watch feels stuffy to wear. I've got plenty of time before I need to put my clothes on. I feel quite prepared for the day, considering I've been awake for over 2 hours today. I hope this wears me out early and I'll get to sleep at a reasonable hour. I'll feel like a normal person again. I'd also like to have that damn job. Life isn't great right now, but a job would really help me be independent for one; and it would also help me get things together again. My life is being held together by homemade and patchy compromises. It's not ideal but I need optimisim to get out of bed. The optimism of being thin and getting that job tomorrow.

I bet I won't get it. That's my past luck. Then again, try not to do some pessimistic induction. Why do I feel sticky after a shower? Fucking hell. This is the second one in 12 hours. Here's to a positive day. Well, I'll try to keep positive.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I'm going to invent a word. An enabler is something that allows for a wider range of social possibilities and growth. An enabler is something that transforms one's life in small or big ways. Here are examples of enablers:

- Cool friend.
Enabler factors: introduce to new friends, invited to cool events, improve social coolness

- Job
Enabler factors: Money, status, life aspiration, everything else (see: money)

- Girlfriend
Enabler factors: friendship, intimacy, sex, more sex, gifts, happiness, long term happiness and friendship, and I suppose, sex

- Sexy body
Enabler factors: Happiness, self worth, confidence, attractive to girls, giving you a sense of identity, happiness, power, fitness, long term health benefits, sex

I need more enablers in my life. I think I need to put in more effort towards the 'enablers' of my life. I overate a bit today. One sea bass and potato salad too far. I'm not going to purge. I spent about 45 mins training today. It was quite fun, I feel tired. I mentioned the injury on saturday, I'm slowly rehabilitating it, but I do feel weakness in my legs after all that jogging today. On the plus side, I went quite far at a good speed.

So, the next few days are enabler relevant:

Wednesday: Interning
Enabler factors: Work experience, good reference, social oppurtunities (even if its just a smile from the cute girl across the office

Thursday: Interview
Enabler factors: see job

Thursday: Comedy gig
Enabler factors: happiness, delight, pleasure, possible social oppurtunities (possible anxiety factors too)

Friday: Possible night out at munch
Enabler factors: networking, meeting new people, meetingpeople I know, meeting a cute girl, making friends, developing more of a kink lifestyle

So, here's to being positive. Here are the positives of today:

1. I jogged
2. I followed up my JSA backdating claim
2. Job search
3-4. Internship applications
5. Booked comedy ticket

Today is a good day, although I did eat a bit more than usual.

sink or swim

sink or swim. That's the question for today.

I get up in the morning, I can do many things in reaction to my eyes opening. Lay in bed some more - sink. Wank - sink. Get out of bed - swim.

I get bad news about money situation - sink? swim?

I get bad memories - sink? swim?

Mia calls out to me to give me the self expression that nothing else can give - sink? swim?

I have a trigger. Persevere - swim. Allow it to seep into my thoughts and feelings - sink.

I feel a lack of clarity today with my feelings.  Something that masks the mode of my true expression. What I really wank, heart of all hearts, is to purge. I don't see the point of resisting it. My weight is going up and down so much that it isn't actually going down. I may have changed my attitudes towards binging but I'm always one meal away from chaos. Food is comfort and in my state of boredom there isn't much to fight it.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I'm despairing. The world sucks, and I didn't make enough of my life when I had the chance. It's all my fault and I have no one to blame except myself. I continually find ways to note that it is my fault. Why shall today be different? When I started purging I decided to take a stand. Make a choice for change (that sounds like a bullshit political slogan).

The options seem clear: sink or swim.

Mia's never too far away. I need to purge because o one else is looking out for me. People who preach about how bad it is don't really care. They aren't going to be there when I'm feeling down, they aren't going to be there when I really need them most. Their preaching does not fucking help me. I need support and real human contact and someone to talk to. Their preaching is all rhetoric and no action. FUCK THEM

Sink or swim? The question floods my mind.

Mia's waiting....

Monday, July 26, 2010

flaws (revisited)

The trigger I had on saturday gave me the insight that I was a flawed person when I get into that academical mode. I feel embarrassed at my old self. The pretensions and hpes that were never met. Most notably, I hate the inadequacies shown of me as a person from that period. It is embarrassment and shameless. However, that person came as a response to another situation. In a sense perhaps it was inevitable. I, however, am in a new situation in my life and I shall strive to reflect upon those flaws and move forward.

I'm listening to a bloody long prom.

My flaws as I see them are:

1. Succumbing to mia
2. Not getting up early from bed (but I'm working on it)
3. Bad concentration
4. Negativity
5. Allowing the past to define me.
6. Thinking too much of myself
7. Low confidence
8. Anxiety.

ah shit... (money)

I've just checked my bank balance and it's a little low. Thoughts:

1. I bought £30 of tickets for a cinema trip on sunday
2. I put in £10 into my oyster card
3. I bought supplies and a new keyboard on saturday c.> £20
4. I spent £20 on food and a pair of trousers yesterday
5. Ticket to beer festival = £10

that sums up to...£80

That sounds about right. I suppose it can't be helped. At least I didn't go drinking on saturday! I might focus on free entertainiment, like music, youtube, and the proms on BBC. They entertain me thoroughly anyway.

I think I might do a task before I decide to shower and leave the house. A follow up task.

Bad knee (again)

A few days ago, I may not have mentioned; I injured my knee while walking down the road. It was pothole in the pavement. I buckled, I nearly had a fall, but I sort of saved it, but not my pride. I looked like a dick almost falling but I suppose its better than falling. As a response to the injury, I think that i shall avoid jogging for a while. As that goes on, I will instead go for a walk today. I need to get new shampoo and conditioner anyway. I will also have a shower before I go; it will be a good excuse to do all three tasks: excercising (gently) my knee; replenishing stocks of shampoo/conditioner, and showering (I feel quite sweaty already (mainly from my masturbation session last night).

I've done quite a lot of tasks today, mainly small reading/job searching tasks, but very important tasks nonetheless. In lieu of this achievement, I shall take a break and go for a walk/shower.

Off I go. I think today has gotten off to a good start. Now I'm checking my balance before I leave the house.

Murray Gold (doctor who soundtrack) in the morning

I got up fairly late, I was listening to the Archers while I lay in bed.

I'm listening to a prom, but a particularly exciting prom; it sounds like a concert prelude or a suite relating to Doctor Who. It is quite exciting and it makes me feel like I have that childhood wonder again. I am trying to get through my schedule tasks this morning and fate will know how far (or not far) I go. I have no distractions (except doctor who) and I hope it will go well. I had my morning wank (it took a while but its out of my system) and I'm now ready to face the day. I've also shaved my face and brushed my teeth. If I need any more propping up for today I will simply have a shower and perhaps that may help. Clean body, organised mind.

Okay, on with the day!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

my dad is drunk

some weird noises coming from downstairs. my dad has come home drunk. it's embarrassing, shameful (synonym alert?) and upsetting.

Embarrassing for me
Shameful for him
Upsetting that he's so pathetic and reminds me of his mortality

My dad's not an alcoholic, we grew up with alcohol around the house. He's never had a problem with drink unlike the guy who recently died; but some days he comes home, some days like less than 10 in my living memory; when he's so badly drunk he's not as functional.

I want to purge. Purging makes a world inside my head that provides a means of escape from this despairing world of drudgery.

Anyway, where was I?

I went ot see inception, damn good film. I'm trying to book a night of comedy but it failed, I'm gave the option of the one guy who is interested to bail out cos I'm letting him know that there's only two of us going.

Anyway, another friend is inviting me to a beer festival (yay) and I'm also going to enjoy some concerts of the proms, if I book them.

Dear diary, I purged twice...

Today has not been very productive or a particularly good day. I binged, binged and binged some more. I've not binged like that since that time I bought £16 of chinese and ate it all in a night, plus a pizza; which was a few months back, but long enough ago for me to be stupid back then. I've binged a LOT. I purged twice today, It barely contained any food matter as I purged so It was vain.

At the moment my neighbours across the garden are having a very loud and late party. It looks quite fun. I like parties, young, fun loving people enjoying their lives. I'm 24 and I don't have much to celebrate or enjoy in my life.

I had a trigger today, two, actually.

Trigger 1: PhD girl.

PhD girl is a girl I met in a few places. I actually met her on a social networking site and messaged her when I found her somewhere else, I saw her in real life (at a munch) and I was really shy and nervous and introverted. Initially, she was having troubles with getting funding for her PhD project; she's polyamorous, intelligent, absolutely gorgeous and kinky and slutty (but in a good way). Oh, she's a 'feminist' and one of those 'leisure of the theory class' people. I would absolutely fall for a girl like that, and I worship everything about someone like that (oh and she arouses me physically too).

This girl upsets me, she upsets me on a whole range of levels. Its nothing personal against her as a person, but what she represents utterly forces me to realise how inadequate i am:

1. She's kinky and open with her heart and body - I'm not
2. She's a glamorous PhD researcher with funding - I'm not
3. She's involved with multiple partners - I'm involved with a pillow
4. She's perfect, thin and lives a life of decadence and sociality - I'm fat, self-resenting and I live in a room with my parents watching star trek and living an 'otto's notebook' stlye
5. She reminds me of everything i could have been, and everything I'm not
6. She's perfect and like girls I've often found to be perfect, she's unattainable.
7. PhD girl brings out all these personality traits that I have when I get my intellect out in the public. These are traits that are unique and I enter a very different psyche; it's like turning from Bruce Wayne into Batman. The thing is, I can't be batman anymore; the real world has no place for an intellectual like that. When it coms out I feel out of place in the world because I have this energy and intensity that I do not know where to place, so it fades like an erection without an orgasm; frustrated.

Lately I've felt that this firey intellectual side of me has to die. This part of me is dying. I feel it might be negative, and PhD girl's trigger has led me to consider that perhaps this personality of firey intensity is the true source of my downfall. Maybe I was on the right track when I was angst ridden and anxious and drugged up to my eyes.

I feel a little lost. Little boy lost. PhD girl was on a forum and I engaged in a discussion with her; she's looking to establish a research network and I got fired up and all these doors opened in my mind. All these references to books, all these old philosophers and academicians and scholars and thinkers and authors. It just exploded in my brain and it felt as if for a brief moment that I was the person I really needed to be, the person that I really am. I felt like I turned into a super saiyan.

Why are all the good ones unattainable? Finding a girl is like finding a job. I make the shortlist but never make the first choice

Trigger 2: rather not talk about it

I've purged twice today. I've noticed that purging makes me feel tired. I also observe that my neighbours are listening to some pretty old school music; psychedelia, blues, bob dylan, 60s, funk; all accessible, all po na na style DJing

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Beethoven in the afternoon

I'm listening to Beethoven Piano concerti from yesterday's proms. They had scriabin last night, which was wonderful but not the scriabin that we come to know and love from the sonati that he writes in the later period.

This morning I got up early, I thought I had a lie in, but when I chose to get out of bed it was 8:30. I got out of the house at 10 in an attempt to purchase some printer ink. I went to PC world, currys, and this shopping district in south london. It was pretty shitty but I ended up buying other things (inevitably). I purchased a new keyboard, a folding silicon keyboard that you can rollll up and wet and its very cool looking but noy terribly responsibe. It is however, a lot smaller to carry compared to my current usb keyboard. It's like the one from die hard, except not as cool, and I'm not bruce willis (I prefer my hair to be honest).

I also bought some of my drugs, not the bad kind, mainly ibuprofen, paracetamol, antihistemines and also a shitload of laxatives. I've not gained any weight since yesterday, I've gone back down to 225.8; my low weight number for the week. That' was the weight when I lost all that poo from the binging of last week. I'm thinking of going out tonight.

One of my fave comedians is coming to the UK this week and I'm inviting people to come over to see him. I hope they come.

Anyway. My parents are out of the house. I'm jerking off now.

Friday, July 23, 2010

You know I should thank you...

I just realised that I had a lot of issues a few years back. A lot of it involved 'untangling', that is to say, separating problems before you could solve them. Probvlems can't be solved all at once, especially if there are multiple things trying to get at you. Sometimes you could use one thing to pretend to make them go away, and it lasts for a while.

I got a memory.

Back in 2005. The summer when I realised that I was depressed. Before I go into this memory I think I'll probably play a song that reminds me of this time, and this feeling.

Ah, there we go. Back in these days I was very isolated, and my friends from college seemed to have done well for themselves; at this summer, about 4-6 of them had girlfriends, and there I was, virginal and depressed, failing at the one thing I excelled at (academics). I felt as a complete failure as a human being. Going home for the summer was a minor nightmare. My 'room' was hijacked by my parents. I think the reason at the time was either that my brother moved back into the house or the slovakian builders (one of whom had a passing understanding of English).

For a few weeks, I was stranded, migrating my laptop from one room to the other. I had no room to speak of, and I didn't have much of an organisational system (google calendar came into my use by 2008). I didn't have much money back then, but just about enough for the occaisional night out. Most of my mates were working in the summer, or holidaying. I was left to my own devices. Rarely a moment alone with the builders in the house from 8am - 7pm. I was basically forced out of bed in those mornings because they needed to renovate much of the house. My current room (which was my brother's room when I grew up; then it became mine, then his again, then mine now). has a lot of the furnishings and wardrobes that were part of the renovation. In a way it shaped a transformation of the house.

The first time I came back home from university in october 2004, I noticed much of the house had changed. I noticed my parents aging more distinctly, and lots of new technologies filling the house, like a wireless modem (that didn't properly work for another 2 years). Norah Jones was the sountrack for my life at the time. I always think of Norah Jones during those days. There is an innocence and vulnerability to the music, there is a certain subtle and yet distinct form of melancholy; much like my own. Also, it was music of the time. I didn't listen to 'new' music those days.  Even before I started university, I was quite a square and behind on things. It took until 2007 before I really caught up with how music developed in the present. I was just listening to anime, and 80s music or star wars soundtracks to fill the space. I realised in the autumn of 2005 that I needed to get rid of my CD player and the music I listened to. Something had to change

Back to the summer. There was one morning, perhaps late july, a day just like today. I woke up by the unforgiving sun beating down on my face. Because the curtains were down (redecorating, remember), I couldn't hide away. This natural light was a reminder of how shit my life was, and how stuck I felt toward ever making any change. This sunlight beating at my face would not go away, closing my eyes did nothing as the ultraviolet rays peered into the soft, thin fold of flesh to my eyes. I could not escape the reality, There came a point where resorting to dreams could not be possible. I like to lay in bed to stay with the fantasies. I woke up this morning having no memories or thought or recollection of my situation, and then it slowly came back to me.

No PhD
nothing for 2 years
lost first and only girlfriend in your life
I miss her

As I realised those things, I reacted to myself as if to say 'oh yeah, I'm here again...'. In a way, that summer morning was not terribly dissimilar to the one today. I decided to get up this morning, however. I decided to get on with my life and make an effort to move forward.

There are bad decisions and good ones. I try to move forward with the good decisions but inevitably I make bad calls. I ate a bit too much today. But I won't sweat too much about it.

Back in that summer of 2005 I felt lost. I felt bored out of my mind. There wasn't much stimulation and I tried to busy myself. The one predominant way that I reacted to this depression and inaction was to eat. Oh boy did I eat. Here's a list

  • Ice lollies
  • Ice cream in a tub
  • Lasagne
  • Cottage pies
  • spring rolls
  • oven chips
  • fish and chips
  • kebabs
  • burgers
  • samosas
  • ribs - oh man I loved ribs
  • pork chops
  • steaks
  • meat pies - I loved meat pies
  • Pizzas -ooooooh yeahhh
  • fish fingers

I ate, and ate a lot. I had lots of capacity inside me and I ate my youth and happiness away. I thought I ate to regain it. But really how can you regain it in a situation like that? One is stuck.

I had lots of problems going on, my lack of organisation and willpower were just one of many big things that were wrong with my life. Considering how things were then, I'd like to think that I've grown a lot since then. I just wish I was in a better place now. A place where I could be much happier. Anyway. One of the ways I used this blog in the early times of writing was to write about memories. That was one of them. One that I was reminded about today.

Thank you readers for letting me be conatus, the secret truthful self I can never be in public.

I'm shitting a lot today

Today I got up early.  I had a shit, shaved, I think I brushed my teeth. I then gorged on a lot of food. Well I say a lot, but it's a bit too much for the day to have eaten by 1pm. I've emailed some mates to organise a get together. My favourite comedian, Marc Maron is coming to perform in London. I have also (as mentioned in previous posts) taken an interest in the proms. I've spent an hour looking up prom dates, and scheduling time to listen to them a day or two afterward.

I've found a lot of really good proms, some which are interesting and curious, and one that is so good I simply must go to. Schoenberg, Berg and Webern in one night.

I have to go. In the first part of that evening is Richard Strauss. It's like a 20th Century German orgasm. So, this morning and noon I have concerned myself with planning cultural outings. I booked some tickets to go to the royal opera house. Free tickets (gasp) which sounds prospective. Given that there are a 60-70 or so proms and about 15 that I've taken an interest in, I've taken some time to schedule these concerts to listen to over the next month. 

I'm getting a lot of memories from the past. Fond snapshots of the past. Sweet memories turned bitter. I am trying to not let them dominate me. I want to say to mia 'fuck off'; but really, she's the only one who seems to look out for me. My skill at communication has declined lately, I seem to fall into patterns of thinking and speaking. My mind's grammar and diction is formulaic and repetitive. I hate it. All I'm doing is describing. Perhaps if I read diverse literature beyond my current remit I shall improve upon my modes of expression.

I want to jog today, although my schedule says I should not.  In these few days previous to today I've not listened to my playlist very much, or at all but concentrated on my podcasts and proms, as well as applying to jobs and shit. I almost (almost) forgot about my trigger yesterday. I've been wanking a lot too.

Anyway I better get on with things. Toodles.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

mia culpa

I had a trigger earlier, at 13:04. Just 10 minutes ago. It doesn't matter what it was, but as soon as it happened; Mia got to me, I haven't purged yet. I had to take a pause out of my day, mia's tempting me. Mia's bad for me but she's the only one that listens, the only one that understands. If you knew how that felt.

I want to purge. I've not eaten much today. Do you know how good it feels to stick the two fingers down your throat?

I've made a decision. I've made it now. I'm going to call the counselling service. Maybe I'll need to pay, I'm not so rich in cash these days, but I need this. I need the help.

So, As soon as I end this post, I'm going to call the local counselling place that was recommended by the psychiatrist. A supportive and real person would pat me on the back and say this is a good first step to progress. Mia just wants me to purge, and hers is the only voice I hear other than mine. There's my pain and self pity, and there's mia.

I'm crying at the moment. I don't cry very much. I cried not very much at the funeral, that was probably the last time. I need secrets.

Wagner in the noon

I'm watching Der Meistersinger. I have not heard enough of Wagner's work. I love the proms, I love how the BBC has documentaries and programmes about highbrow things. It helps me to better myself. I want to better myself, I like high culture. I'd like to learn more about Opera. I went to see la boheme once, I listened to Beethoven's Fidelio and I once went to see Dido and Aeneas (I was distracted by the sexy leggings of the supernatural lady chorus - or were they some kind of witches or carthaginians? I'm embarrassed to forget - Aeneid is my favourite book).

I woke up, late, by my head. I got up early but stayed in bed. I was listening to 'mia'. I'm recently acknowledging the negative face of Mia. I quite like Wagner, it's rich in sound and thick, full on. That german sound that overdoes Beethoven. At the moment I'm looking at jobs on w4mp. Funny enough I see a lot of vacancies between now and tomorrow. I also see one vacancy from the organisation I'm currently working for.

One observes that many of the thinktanks are geographically close to another. There's a whole batch where I went for OBV which was also the home of another place that kept bothering me.

So today is fairly packed. I haven't even checked if my JSA has gotten in. One of my tasks for today included a followup call to the exchange group, they say that they do not have my certificate and REED have it. So I need to contact my old advisor again. Fuck.

When I started this post I had lots of thoughts in my head and they seem all to have dissipated. Maybe I'll make a list

1. I got my book review published this week
2. I got interviewed for an arab lifestyle magazine about my bulimia (wtf you might say, wtf is right...)
3. I've got an operation not long from now
4. I need to check out whether my month of JSA will be paid back to me.
5. Other related 'getting my life back' tasks...

I better get back to it. I feel quite a lot on my plate right now. Toodles

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Rachmaninov in the afternoon

One of the activities that I engage in in recent days is looking up eating disorder resources. Various websites in the UK, various forums and such. I'm looking for support, information, and help.

I don't have many friends that I can open up to about it, and really, I guess if I had to have a number of persons that I could know that I could contact at any time to talk to about my feelings. It's zero. They've all gone away, busy with work, life, family, new relationships, or other such things.

Do you remember that bit in Jerry Maguire when the girlfriend says 'You are not a loser!'. I kind of feel like that. Who said anything about being a loser? But That's what they all must be thinking.

I'm reading up on resources on eating disorders. I'm reading at quite a nice consumption rate. I think that in recent days, recent weeks, even; sicne I spend so much time with audiobooks, blogs, newspaper articles and other such things, I'm just consuming vociferously (yay I used a word that I learned on a podcast). It's all going into my head, all going in, learning about Tim Robbins' favourite music, the Zimbabwe all white female hockey team, Rachmaninov's second piano concerto playing. It's not as good as my normal recordings that I listen t, but it certainly has that romantic 'yearning' aspect of it. I remember a conversation which I once had which went something like: 'rachmaninov is not really a 20thC composer'. He's so backward compared to the likes of Debussy, or Mahler, Schoenberg or Messaien. The Rach man is playing and pandering to the romantic sensibilities and perfecting a genre that was over 60 years old. Gladly, composers did not so much indulge this too much, although film score fellows certainly did. Where else is the yearning of Romanticism better elucidated than in hollywood films about love and terrible romances.

I want to be someone. I want to be a person of integrity, I need to be me again. I should not listen to mia. Even if she isn't making me purge, she's not helping me, I need to be productive, constructive and proactive. I must push on and get out of the comfort zone. I need to get my head into gear and Get back into my old self. I need to push further, push hard, and get back into the routine. I think that I shall go for a jog. My schedule says that It is not prudent to jog, since there are so many things going on. However, now is the best time to jog, the weather is good, and I haven't been in a while. I won't be able to go tomorrow and I'm just making excuses that my schedule is packed. While my schedule is packed, my old aikido teacher used to say; if you don't do this now, you never will.

You need to seize the day, you need to be romantic, ask the girl out, seize the bull by the horns, state your intentions to the universe, and the universe will provide. That's what my ex used to say. She's slowly becoming a distant memory...

two jobs applied.
weight target failed
reading vociferously
maybe go for jog?

Mahler in the morning

I never really listened to Mahler, a friend of my ex always used to talk about Mahler, I remember my teacher always talking about Mahler as one of the great monumental 20thC composers. Of course, it normally came in the same conversations about Schoenberg and Berg and Webern. Now I think that Schoenberg is the real hero of the 20thC.

I wish I could talk to someone about classical music. I feel starved of conversation. I want someone ot talk to about Beethoven Lieder, Symphonies, Fugues, Piano music...

In a sense I've allowed myself to give up on those kinds of aspirations of my musical expression and appreciation. However. With the prom season about, I think that I'll lay in some music while I'm applying to jobs.

I'm listening to Mahler's 8th Symphony. It has a certain richness that is reminiscent of early Schoenberg, except its not shit. I prefer the post-tonal work of the latter. I'm filling out my second application today, and I hope that today I shall move forward with my day, my life, and my hopes.

I've got a lot to do and I hope that things will improve. There's only one way I see that it will improve. It will improve through hard, determined, and intensive job hunting and excercise. I did 5k yesterday, it took an hour. I still gained weight. I think its mostly poo that is making the weight from yesterday. Most of the food was in the evening. I did binge later on in the night though. My moment of weakness.

Anyway, this morning I was quite hard on myself and I said to myself: you are either getting up or lazing about. But have no illusions, you can't do both. You need to get up now. So I did. Its what they call the old kick up the arse.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Kick up the arse

I woke up at a reasonable time today. My first order of business is to fill out my job sheet records. I've got a full couple of days. That is to say; I have so much on my schedule this week I'm not sure if I can do everything in it for these next couple of days.

The one positive about going to the job centre is that I'll jog there. At least, I think I'll jog there. I'll re start my cardio habit. My weight has not reduced since yesterday and the readings vary from 225.8 to 226.8. At my weight of 226.4 yesterday I think its basically the same.

I had a negative thought earlier. Here's a positive one: I'm going to make it. I am beautiful, people want me. I am smart, I am successful, I am a high achiever. I will do well. I am brilliant. It is all going to be alright.

Affirmations. Positive mindset.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Vain friend

One of my friends is vain. I see his flaws as cracks that peek out through his personality. We all have cracks and flaws, but for this post I'd like to explore them.

He's got a belt that says 'rock star'. I mean, what the fuck. He's really pushing on the lines of obviousness. One of the friends of ours said to him 'I bet you grew your hair to purposely make that image up'. As if to show he's a faker and all about image, all about trying to evoke an image and appearance that will get attention. He denied it and mumbled something off to pass off the comment. At that deflection, I knew he was trying really hard to make the appearance.

He's always showing off and talking about his covers, he wants to bring up some point of conversation about him at every obvious and possible window to say 'oh, I have guitars', 'oh I make cover songs' etc.


I'm perhaps a little bit like that. But the one thing that disgusts me the most is how transparent he is. People are shallow in the respect that there is such little opacity in their souls

what's the deal with you?

I got up. Nightmare.

I won't say all hte details of the dream, but I suppose it had lots of symbolism and as I woke, I realised how it made me feel, and what those symbols represented. When that girl asked 'what are your issues?' I suppose the nightmare that I just passed through could answer that.

In the minutes after wake, I became clear about myself, my feelings and my attitude to things. Perhaps some people may see me as strange or not understandable. I am often opaque to myself at times. All these rituals and habitual behaviours are not clear to me until I have brief moments of clarity and introspective understanding.

In that moment I felt myself recovering from a deep sense of embarrassment, shame, loss, loss of self, and self-mortification (in the goffmanesque sense). My way of reacting is quietude, stoicism, and social quiet. Underneath the facade of a quiet person is an angry person, underneath that facade still is a vulnerable one. Bdetter to act like a shocked victim than an angry child.

Mia was comforting me with her thoughts and words last night. I seem to think that if I just let Mia into my head, it's a different thing than putting fingers down my throat and purging. Maybe I don't have bulimia, maybe its just an imaginary friend or somesuch.

Anyway. I've showered, put clothes downstairs awaiting a free washing machine. I've got some tasks immediately ahead of me. One group of friends invites me out to go to their house and jam. The other's inviting me to predator. I've got options. Door number three says: catchup.

I don't have very much going on in my life. I'm a bit of a loser. Even mia said to me today, that if I don't let her in, then I will fail on my own. I've noticed how much shoegaze sounds like depressive black metal.

saturday night

tonight, my mates and I went out. I was thinking of not going. I went. We firstly went to Nandos, then joined up with the full group to chat at wetherspoons. I went on a mission to get a bottle of jaegermeister and we finished it all while playing some drinking games.

After drinks, we went to a club across the road. Known in my experience for dumpy older women, douchebags and intimidating lecherous guys. Since it was empty we felt more at ease and slightly confident. I joined in a couple of conversations among the group, and then after a while, and a bit of a dance; we went out to the roof (where they smoke), and we joined this guy and girl who were playing a drinking game.

They were very amusing, and as it turned out the two people we joined were not an item. Two housemates they were, one (the girl) was basically the wingman/person to help the other housemate (male) to get girls and pull. Really nice method. It works better than having a guy wingman. For some reason, this amazingly beautiful (note, blonde and skinny and glamorous and gorgeous and intelligent - philosophy graduate) woman wanted to talk to the three of us, fatty, geeky, and me.

We talked about bullshit things and then it suddenly got heavy. This lady said some things that really make me think, it makes me think about how cruel the world is and how much of a scary and cold place it can be. This girl explained that a couple of months ago she had a life saving/life threatening condition where a watermelon sized tumour was attached to her stomach/ovary and it was removed. In the few weeks afterward, she was unable to eat or drink (water) and she vomited a lot when she tried. This led to her losing a lot of weight, like 4st or so. 

This woman noted that her world changed in ways that a self conscious and fat concerned guy like me would have really wanted, but then it made me realise that old curse: be careful what you wish for. As this woman lost a lot more weight, a lot of guys paid more attention to her and this was most notable when men at her workplace were asking her out on dates. Before her operation this lady mentioned that people thought she was pregnant, or fat, because of the tumour inside her body that grew.

Men noticed her and saw her as attractive. Men who worked with her for years and did not even bother to talk to her, were now playing the player and she saw right through them. These men were only interested in her because of her looks and her 'new' appearance. This woman became attractive by their standards and her previous non-entity status was agitated by the very fact that they started to notice her when before they did not care.

The world can be a cruel place. I feel complicit in this evil, because my friends, or rather, a few of them; are exactly the kinds of people who perpetrate that falseness and emphasis on looks. I felt a sense of confidence today, perhaps it was the jaeger, perhaps it was my few pounds lost, perhaps it was a change in mindset. I talked to some other girls that night, in an amicable, friendly and non-theatening manner. I'd like to think I'm the non threatening type. I think the lady we talked to today found us to be non-theatening. I feel in a way that she saw us as fellow ugly ducklings too. It's just that she became a beautiful swan.

She told my friend something beautiful. She said to him that he's a really nice and cute guy and girls would love to be with someone like him. He should just not sweat it and not worry too much cos that makes it worse. This guy used to be my enemy, he's sort of a friend, but even I can be magnanimous to be someone who saw value and kindness in what she said. I mainly observed the group conversation, but in a sense participated in small ways. The lady asked me a lot why I was silent.

The lady asked us if we had any 'dirt' or 'dark histories' or 'issues'. My friend said that he's fat, 24 and never had a girlfriend. I admire his candour. I admire that girl's candour. I am so impressed that this girl got a grade viii in clarinet; paints in her spare time, works for a charity and survived a horrible medical incident. Oh, lets not forget that she's smoking hot and really really genuine.

I love authenticity. I love it in music, I love it in culture. I love it in people. She put her heart on her sleeve; she also wore a medical bracelet and showed possible signs of obsessive compulsive behaviour. She's basically the kind of girl I'd dream about, if I didn't have so many nightmares, or if mia didn't distract me.


Just as an aside to this, if the girl asked the question to my friend: what issues do you have? and I answered honestly. I'd say

  • I live a double life where I run a support group and help people improve their lives
  • I have an ED
  • I have ex girlfriend issues
  • I have intimacy issues
  • I'm lonely
  • I have little confidence
  • I'm jobless/not in a PhD

You know, to be honest. I don't really have any problems. I live in a nice house, no bills, finances are not terrible (not great either but what the hey) and I've got a warm bed to go home to. Talking of bed, the sun's getting up, I better sleep and get on with the day and my tasks when I get up. I'm also more positivve about putting myself out there and going out to clubs, talking to new people and so forth. If I can meet special girls like the one I met today (admitedly she wasn't on the market for guys; she was being a wingman for her male housemate so he could pull girls that she lured to him - man i want to have that!) - I'd be a happier person, maybe not laid or with a girlfriend. But I'd get that fixx of human contact that I missed for so long.

Friday, July 16, 2010

rituals and history

I have a lot of personal rituals. Sometimes I wonder why I keep to them. But I am now reminded.

I am looking for a tie to wear at the funeral today. It's not where I left it last (fuck!), but instead I found my old ties from sixth form. There's the normal tie, the prefect level tie, and then, the super all powerful senior prefect tie. I was a senior prefect in college. I was given a lot of potential and rein. I was respected by pupils and students alike. I was liked by the rugby guys. I was one of the smart guys, I was part of a clique and I had the headmaster's good blessings.

That blue tie was everything to me once. I guess losing that power after college made me feel very down. And the rest, is as they say; history. Those ties made the memories flood back and gave me that sense of identity and pride. That tie represented more than a school position, it represented aspiration and status, and marked me as someone, something different. It marked me as someone who was tipped to be somebody one day.

That's where my disappointment comes from. Having that symbol of success heaped upon me and then losing the blessing of that tie's meaning. It was more than a tie, it was a rank of social status. It was a symbol of social mobility and aspiration. My parents from humble backgrounds would bear a son who would be better one day. I did not, and do not live up to that.

Pride does not become me. However, those memories were fond. They are going into my memory box. As a reminder of all those meanings.

Mia's influence

Mia is like the girl who doesn't go away. She's the one who stays, the one who won't abandon me. I guess because she's always there, it means she loves me or cares about me.

Mia gives me insight, mia guides me. Mia makes bargaining pleas to me. If you eat this, you won't have dinner, or if you dont eat now you will lose weight. As well as bargaining, mia tells me if i've strayed and not followed her rules, i decide to punish myself or hate myself for not following the rules, and I'm left with a fat body to hate myself.

Call me weak, and fuck you if that's the case.

Mia is the girl i keep as a secret, the one with whom I create a secret mental world, where its just 'us' and 'them'. A blanket, a bubble from the world, we have our own little world with our own landscapes, definitions, and lexicon. We have our own in jokes and we are exclusive.  I feel bad when someone tries to seperate myself from Mia.

Mia is the comfort of that first kiss. The giddy shyness of when she says I'm beautiful. The nervousness around a girl who might like you. I purged two days ago, mostly crisps. Mia doesnt' leave me, Mia doesn't get off with someone else. Mia doesn't lose interest cos I wasn't forward enough. Mia doesn't make a promise to be there for me and goes away. Mia isn't real, and yet those real girls did leave, go with someone else and lose interest.

Mia's a part of me, a destructive force. Destructive force is a reaction to feeling hurt, and disappointed. My mum is saying really negative stuff to me. I think my mum is really negative and she's upsetting me slightly.

Things I'd like:

1. Laptop
2. New body
3. Job
4. Place of my own
5. Sex/relationship
6. Being the real me again
7. PhD
8. Cuddles
9. Bass Guitar

Aphorised thoughts

  • I get along with my dad when my mum isn't around. It must be Oedipal
  • I think I might cry in the funeral today
  • I feel really tired
  • I needed to pee really badly after drinking mum's coffee in the airport
  • Richmond-upon-Thames is a really posh part of london. I would quite like to live there one day.
  • I was really close to Antonia. After my anxiety trigger on tuesday evening, I have relived a lot of the past
  • I do not feel focused enough lately, but I am not far from being what I call 'higher functioning'. I think this funeral is having a lot of emotional draining on me
  • I think I'm an emotionally draining person, as the comedian Marc Maron calls it: psychic vampire
  • I am a flawed person. Recognition is a start, but not the end
  • The Cranberries are an Irish alternative rock band with a couple of familiar tracks, they started out in the late 80s. They are not The Cardigans. I have a mental image of that video of the Cranberries with that cute blonde in the red open top car that was in the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack
  • Realisation: I was a child of the 90s, a teenager of the late 90s/early 00s and a young adult of the mid-late 00s. It's time for me to grow up
  • You get out what you put in. I've got much out of life because I've not put enough in. Recognition of this is the first step, but not the last.
  • Two girls I've been interested in now are sort of seeing other people. Carpe diem, you fuck
  • I feel superior when I say latin phrases.
  • The books that I reviewed are resonating in my thoughts.
  • I'm going to reiterate what I said earlier as my last thought for this post: I'm feeling tired. I slept about 2am last night and I woke up from 4:30. I woke up at 5:45, dad came in at 6am from night shift, and then we went to pick up mum. Afterward we drove home, I went to do some groceries and now i'm tired as fuckpie. My dad was saying things and behaving in a manner that was emotionally draining.
  • Okay a coda thought: Economy of movement was what they emphasised in the old music classes back in college. Economy of words and clarity of thought are ideals that I ought to uphold. Strive to put in fewer words with clearer expression. No 'sort ofs' or 'kind ofs' or 'so...' or 'umms'. I'm off, funeral later, this is probably my only free time until monday. Busy weekend. I've not applied to enough jobs lately. I could say that I should do better, it would be prudent just to do better rather than say so.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The past couple of days

The past couple of days are possible post-worthy. I was writing a blog post for another blog that I do, and then I decided, on a whim, to clean my keyboard. Unfortunately, the liquid went into the keys and both my expensive external keyboard (wireless with integrated mousepad), and my laptop keyboard are totalled. I had a big panic moment, but now it's sorted.

I managed to do some interning yesterday, seeing the lovely office ladies (and my boss barefoot, mmm). I finished the data entry. It took me about 4-5 hours. I went home, and I was carrying an external keyboard. I could talk about the anxiety I felt and all the memories that were triggered off by this laptop incident, but I'm not.

So, today, I've been making excuses not to do anything. I even bought a new mouse out of procrastination. I am seriously contemplating to purchase a new laptop; I saw the specs and the prices and, if I had £400 I'd definately buy a new laptop. Then I'd need to sort out software. New office software, and antivirus. Fuck. Life doesn't give me any breaks.

In other news. I'm 226lbs. I've gotten over my binge moments of last week. I think that the worst of the nasty foods I ate are behind me. However, I am a few steps further from reaching my goal. Let's hope I lose more weight today. My current intake is about 1000kcal.

Tomorrow my mum is coming back from her holiday, and there's a funeral. Saturday I've been invited to go drinking and clubbing. I'm not so sure.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Mia's promises

Mia promises me things. Mia promises:

1. A better body
2. Self esteem on the basis of (1.)
3. Control
4. Having a secret. Having a secret gives me soething to hide behind. I need something to hide behind. That's why I worte this conatus blog. To hold realities through secrets. Through secrets I live, through a mask I have power. Honesty, nakedness, is cold, lonely, and powerless.

I need secrets. I need a mask. I can't face the world with my real face. Only with a mask I can be real.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Another quotation from the guardian

A graduate's account:


I have been offered another internship after this one and I'm aiming to get a job by the end of the year. All the news about cuts does worry me, and makes me think it's going to be even harder now. But I have always been passionate about what I want to do, and you don't want to settle for something you are not completely motivated about.

It is disheartening doing it like this. After four years at university, where you enjoy yourself but work really hard as well, most people would have previously imagined that when they get a degree, they should be OK getting a job. But for the last couple of years we haven't really thought like that.


Link here

Here's a nice eloquent quote

" Youth unemployment, whether among graduates or school-leavers, is socially and economically corrosive. The transition from education to work is about more than earning a living. It is a rite of passage into adulthood that, if missed, can have a profound impact on a young person's future."

Editorial, Guardian


I got up early this morning. I was slightly inclined to go back to bed after my morning shit. I didn't. I went downstairs and had a bit of a snack. I then ate some and watched a van damme movie end to end. I recorded it a few days prior. There are lots of action movies, star trek and comedies on tv these days. Lots to distract myself with.

After an hour and a half of mickey rourke stealing van damme's baby; I went upstairs and then I prepared for a shower. I've spent the past 90 or so minutes reading google reader items, mainly articles on the gravity of the employment and economic situations. Themes include:

1. Limited graudate prospects for boys
2. Limited aspirational prospects for my generation
3. Postgraduate and academic funding impossibilities
4. The decline of job stability in higher education.

In a very real way, these are entirely narratives of my past two years. I've also got a helluva lot of tasks that i have to perform today, however, the depressing articles are slightly putting me down. I'm listening to my podcasts. In the past few days I have avoided attention on my podcasts, audiobooks, and music listening list. Those are noramlly the markers of order.

I have been in a stupour for the past few days. Now that my birthday has passed, I can move on and forward. There are three or four days that are marked as busy this week:

1. Intern day (wednesday)
2. Invited to focus group (thursday)
3. Funeral of neighbour guy/my mum returning from holiday (friday)
4. Friends are having a birthday celebration by drinking and clubbing (saturday)

Now that I've considered that; I now realise I only have today and tomorrow in which to get jobs applied to and sent off. Fuck. Well, Lets see if I can pull out my fingers and give me something to feel good about, namely being productive today. I feel a little tired, that part of my head that is a depressive feels tired and wants to lay down. I might reward myself with a break in a moment. I'm going to read 5 more articles and then I'll get on with my schedule. Wish me luck

Sunday, July 11, 2010

ugh, too much meat...

I ate a lot these past few days. I am not going to consult my weighing scale for at least a week. I do not need that decline of self esteem right now.

I've got a lot scheduled for this week. That's mainly because I didn't do it last week. I've got what they call, an overflow. I cleared my birthday, and the day before, and then the day before that I only did about half of my tasks. So; I have a lot to do, fuck. Oh yes, I also bought stuff with some birthday money, and some other monies that I just had in my balance, these include:

1. Curanail (that anti nail fungal stuff) - I consider that an investment, considering that the product will probably last over a course of a few months. that, plus new shampoo  - £30
2. Haircut, sexy ladies touching my hair and telling me how gorgeous my hair is, while giving me tips, like some vain floozy that I am - £25, on the plus side, my haircut was overdue and my hair is much more manageable now.
3. New trousers, cords, brown cords. Yup, the mother lode of trousers. These are the stuff of dreams. Unfortunately its zip fly and the cut of the front pockets leave much to be desired compared to Gap, I got it from TK Maxx - price £15
4. Updated oyster card with £15 (definately overdue)
5. Film plus nandos on thursday (£20)
6. Film plus KFC on friday (£15)

So, all things considered, on this social, and shoppy of weeks, I spent: (30+25+15+15+20+15) = (60+ 25  + 20 +15) = 80 + 40 = £120.

Shit. I think that's a lot of money. Considering all the expenses, I don't feel too much happier. I am a modest spender, I didn't used to be. I remember when I was 18 - 20, I used to do a lot of silly spending, mainly because I never had control of my bank account before. I raped my finances pretty harshly. Funny, though; Last year I did't have such a low bank balance. I'm spending more, I'm living more.

I'm just finding it a little difficult to find the positives. I suppose mainly because my weight has probably gotten up a few points. I should have went jogging with my mate yesterday. Well, I'll try to move forward with my schedule, and my life. I must try to remember what I really want. Let's get on with it.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

i wish i could be righteously angry

Maybe Nietzsche has a nice consoling aphorism for how I feel, but I can't remember it right now. Nietzsche is cliche, easy, accessible philosophy for cunts who don't do the hard work; like people who always say the phrase 'quantum mechanics' or 'third law of thermodynamics'.

i'm 24. Fuck. Let's talk about the past few days. I've been distracted. Moviesat the cinema, visiting relatives, dead neighbour. It's all quite a hinderance upon my schedule. Today I have planned not to observe my schedule.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I had a weird dream. It was upsetting. I felt low then I overate. My estimated calorie intake is 100kcal over the limit. I feel exhausted emotionally, physically, the sustinence has filled me up. I have been getting add requests from people I knew from primary school. It's a little fucked up. I like checking out the people suggested on my friends list on facebook. I like sometimes seeing people I knew from school (if they are sexually attractive), my morbid curiosity rules. I also see my referee as a facebook friend suggestion. Ew.

Gained weight, so much to do.

Yesterday I was 224.4lbs, today I'm 226lbs. It feels weird that I'm juding myself by my weight. I guess that's how the rest of the world thinks. So, lets consider the past day.

Yesterday I went to the job centre, and then I made another request to backdate my JSA claim. I thought this will be the last of my persistence. I had to fill out a paper form, and I hate paper forms. I then jogged home. That seemed to be the death blow of sorts, because I got suddenly tired. I had to sleep for a couple of hours as my concentration was shot, and my body felt exhausted, especially in my chest. After waking up, I felt quite groggy. In addition, I woke up knowing that I wanted to go out to a pub quiz. I did.

I felt a little inadequate after the pub quiz, we didn't lose too badly, although we were not the winners. I felt a bit down, mainly cos I was unemployed and tubby. On the way home, I was tempted by fast food. I gave into my binge tendencies and I ate 150g of bacon rasher crisps. For a brief moment, I was in paradise. The bag was so big and cheap, and fewer calories than a big KFC meal. It was still bad calories and I paid for it this morning.

I woke up late this morning, in the knowledge that I gained this weight. I also knew that I had an exceptionally large backlog of tasks to follow up today, as well as another few tasks I will easily forget. I'm afraid to log them into my calendar because I will be inundated. Google reader is also piling a lot of articles. In the news, there have been a few articles on the class of 2010 graduates who are having an impossible time to find jobs.

FUCK!! So not only do I have to compete with the class of 2008 and 2009, I have 2010 graduates to compete with for jobs. I am fucking fuckeddy fucked. At this rate, I might as well just work in retail and go to the cinema and pub and live a some normal life like the mates I went to see last night. I HATE the drudgery of everyday life and I thought that I could have elevated myself to be something, and someone better. I must oppose this normalising and depressing tendency and shine again. My defiance will be my virtue.

I am also thinking about counselling and support. I've logged in some tasks to examine help and resources for my mia problem. Purging seems to be a nice stopgap, but I know that it isn't the right way to solve my problems. However, the right way is much more complicated and difficult than the glamour of turning inward. What I really would appreciate is having someone to talk to, someone I can talk to without putting on a mask.

I feel good about writing this post because I am speaking the words as I am typing them, and it seems to be much more humanised when I type like this. Also, Money is low. Hopefully thursday can solve that problem. Oh, and I want to cut my hair, just a little bit shorter.

Ah, that was cathartic,.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Anxiety management

So, as I predicted, my backdated claim request for JSA was NOT acknowledged. Having a poor administrative system which has these gaps and flaws does a disservice and puts me at the disadvantage and brunt of it. I made the request. Due to some computer error it wasn't acknowledged, so I had to put it in a form in writing. Cos of my writing problem I have issues with being understood. So there's no chance I'd get acknowledged this time. I fucking hate when things don't work, it just reminds me of everything that is wrong with this time.

So, today, I'm back home. I jogged back home, and I'm warming down, recording my times and distances, then I'll have a shower, look at the vacancies I found from the job centre, review them, and then ponder whether I'll go out tonight. My mate invited me to a pub quiz. I'm skint as fuck, but I'd think having a social time with friends would be worthwhile. It's my birthday this week, and I'm fucking hating it.

At least I have one friend. He's inviting me out to a pub quiz and maybe it will be fun. That's positive. Another positive, I've not gained any wieght. I didn't lose any but I also had all my shit inside me. It's getting harder to lose weight, dieting is one step, excercise and cardio is the other. At least I did about 47 minutes in the heat. That's certainly positive. Some other positives, I woke up early, I had a healthy breakfast, I shaved and brushed my teeth, I put on that lotion I got from Bristol. That lotion reminds me of the old days. It's also running out. Dual symbolism.

Okay, I've spewed my thought guts out. I'm going to carry on with my day. Later bros

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Some reflections

Sometimes I wonder why I have established all of these rituals and repetitive tasks and a to-do list with so many wikihow articles. I have set myself to read encyclopaedia articles, audiobooks, subscribe to podcasts, listen to lectures, months in advance of the present.

I have also set wikihow articles to read over the next 13 weeks. Why do I do all these rituals? I remember now. I do them because I try to keep a sense of order. When I started university in 2004. My depression came about as a lack of order and structure, and a fear for the future consumed by a sadness for the past lost. I kept thinking about the past, which left me alone in the present and future. That's how the anxiety came, which then took over the next few years.

I got knocks, then i pick myself up. This PhD news is just the latest in my knocks. Perhaps I'm going to turn this into a positive. I feel reluctant to let go sometimes, I also feel reluctant to do new things. I have become a lot more organised than a few years ago. It's taken a long time to get to where I am. I realise this as I am trying to adopt a new set of rituals around food. I haven't purged in a week, which is good. I've not lost any weight for the past two days, but I haven't gained any weight either. I call that a stabilised weight.

Things that worry me are barbeques, social drinking and other rituals of social eating. I'll need to resist and avoid. I'll need to cleanse my body of evils in order to be thin. I realise that my compulsion to eat is largely an emotional compensation for my own inadequate life. I used to be angry and righteous. I've lost both. I'm just boring and orderly.

Today I've applied to two jobs. I'll try to do more. ALmost every other thought I have is fixated on food. I woke up quite late, and I had a long masturbation session this morning. I must not forget that tomorrow I will sign in to the job centre. Maybe I'll jog there. That would be good.

Yesterday I had a nice time volunteering. There was a really nice guy on the front counter, and a very cute lady after him. She was veery cute. Anyhow, the social contact with people made me feel human again. I even spent 25 minutes talking to a weird christian evangelical about jesus. I hate when they bother me on the street. The bastard. I wanted to enjoy the shopping centre and window shop, I just managed to get the 2nd train home after that chat.

I've finally finished watching skins. I can't believe freddy got killed by effy's doctor from the mental hospital. It confirms my hatred of bristol's mental health practicioners. I wish I had a baseball bat for them. Anyhoo. I've finished my book review, which is double nice. Man, I wish I had a girlfriend and crazy sex like in skins. I like how JJ got the single mum as a gf. Sounds like my life after all...

At the moment I'm listening to the Offspring. What a bunch of 90s douchebags. Anyway I better go. I'm just blogging to procrastinate. I recognise these songs. Its interesting. I'm reliving my past as an adult.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Boredom (diet day 14)


I can't believe I'm saying that. It's the most unusual thing I've ever had to say as a complaint. This is really me complaining in a weird way. I'm bored, bored bored. I've seen almost all of the episodes of skins. I probably started season 4 like yesterday night and now I've almost finished it. I have spent/wasted a great deal of my day watching skins. On the flip side, I have cleared up a lot of the 'baggage' in my schedule, which is positive. I'm not behind, and I've cleared up enough tasks to make the next few days a little less cluttered with tasks.

Something feels weird inside me today. Part of it is watching skins. I am starting to feel emotions that I have forgotten for so long. I love thecharacters, I feel for them and find them human. It's not all weird and fucked up like the characters in my head. I feel like its okay to have fun and have friends in life. I've perhaps forgotten about my friends. I lost my best friend in september, we broke up. Being reminded of friends and love has rekindled that hold in me. Talking of holes, I feel that part of the reason that I'm feeling so listless and bored is because so many of my rituals and 'hobbies' and things I do for fun/pleasure involve either eating or wanking. Going to the chinese, eating ice cream, snacking on cake, pulling off a cheese string, making a sandwich, munching a biscuit, and so on. It is all around food. Everything seems to be so intensely focused on food.

My mum has gone off on holiday this week, for a fortnight. Today, I have attended to the clothes, washed them, hanged them out, folded them up. It was just as something to do. I feel like going down to the sainsburys and buying various things that I don't really need. I want to go just out of boredom and wanting to leave the house. My life is empty in a way that I've not even remembered. I was so into my own head that I masked my boredom with msn, youtube, wanking and eating+star trek.

I've applied to one job, and searched a shit load of other things. I feel a whole mix of feelings and I do not think they are consistent. I feel:

1. Listless - no motivation
2. Bored - I want to do something
3. Stressed-  I need a job
4. Anxious - My life is empty and passing too quickly
5. Depressed - I got rejected from the PhD and I am reminded about my ex since its july, july has many memories of my past love.
6. Lonely - I don't have anyone to talk to

There's a big piece of carrot cake downstairs that is seducing me. There's a fried bit of semolina lined fish also mocking me. I can smell the odours of the chinese takeaway a couple of roads down. and I almost hear the nearby fish and chippy taunting me for lustful relations with their battered cod. Sometimes I say to the voice in my head 'if you are so smart, why are you a creation of my own head?'.

Then I am left with silence. I could try to fill this hole with computer games. I have a hole, a void. I am tempted, teased, aroused toward filling that hole with eating. As I engage upon this new diet I've embarked upon, I am learning new things about myself. Food is my way to compensate for this hole in my life. Weight loss I thought would fill the hole I saw was there, but really, it makes me more aware of it, because I am not filling that void with eating. I'm not sure what I want to do. I want to do something social, I want to do something with friends. I want to be out of the house and living a life. At the least, I want to be playing a nice computer game and having a laugh. Suddenly as I was typing I thought to myself: 'hmmm KP skips'. Food is like an orgasm every bite. I need to be celebate to indulgence. Some indulence is fine, like the lovely special K breakfast I had, or those three buns with ketchup and frankfurter. If I had a faster metabolism I'd be able to process this food better. However, I do not, so the only way to lose this weight is to avoid eating. It sounds simple in principle but I'm very very tempted right now.

An email

I thought that I'd look for support in recent days. I sent off this email and I feel that it was so articulate and succinct, that I had to post it on here.

To whom it may concern,  

I'm not quite sure what to say, but in recent weeks my bulimia has returned and things around my life have compounded and gotten worse. Yesterday I got upset by a call from my ex girlfriend, and on monday I recieved a rejection for funding for my PhD. At one time I had everything I wanted and I was on the right track to happiness, now it has all changed. I've had a long relationship with mia, and over the past year my life has changed a lot for the worse. I am exploring the various resources on your site for support. I can only tell a few friends about my problem, and most of them are busy with their lives now and have moved on from me. I had bad experiences with doctors and they seem all too keen to put me on drugs that do not help.   I'm not sure what you will to in terms of a reply but I feel a lot better having typed this email and expressed myself with this much articulation.

Thank you for listening.
With Kind Regards,

Can't get enough of skins

I've been watching episodes of skins ravenously. I feel lots of things as I go through the series. I am reminded of Bristol, back as it was in 2007, 2008, and the darker time of 2009. I am reminded of being left behind; as the 2nd generation moves in at season 3, of how I was incumbent back in the 'golden' age of 2007-8. I remember how when I finished my masters, and still lived in the city, I felt utterly alone and retreated to the personal haven of the town just by wales. I guess from that point, I was living through my girlfriend, and I had no life of my own.

I've been thinking about getting my life back for nearly a year now; but I think that it had slowly been eaten at by mia back when I started blogging.

Bristol as I knew it, isn't the Bristol I know. I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm not even 21 anymore. It's like a passing of the torch. I once had the torch and now it's on to someone else. I just wish that someone more mature passed me their torch so I could move on with the next stage of this race called life.

I like how modern and sophisticated these teenagers are in skins; I know it isn't realistically drugs and sex, but its still so modern and fresh to them. That zest for life is still there, and the bitterness and despair does not yet encumber them. It's beautiful.

I've been losing weight at a lovely pace. I've gone down to 223.2lbs. I may not be a teenager anymore, or 21, but I am sure that I have a few years left in me. Or at least, with the presumption of having the rest of my life; I'd better make the most of it. So, first order of business is to search for jobs. I'm trying to do my tasks of job searching. I'll see to sending off a few more applications, perhaps, and then I'll watch some skins at the same time.

I had a trigger yesterday. I then went for a jog afterward. I thought I'd eat something, then my ex called me after one bite. After that point, I triggered. The jog helped, so did the loss of oxygen from my lungs. It was 8pm.

Fuck, I wish I was a more interesting teenager! Getting laid, getting pussy.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

a work in progress

my weight is going down steadily and consistently.

my new diet plan is nicely working. Last night I felt a bit guilty as I ate some aubergine soaked fish fingers in a brown bap. I would have been 900kcal until then, and then i ate it and it was about 1400kcal for the day. That's still within my limit. So, in recent days, I am on this low cal diet, and it is good to me. I've not purged for a while, and most importantly, I've not binged. I purge if I binge, so if there's no binging, there's no purging. I like getting thinner. I've gone down to 224lbs today. I thought that it may not have been possible to lose more after yesterday's extreme loss, but now, I'm finding something to be happy about.

It's a long road and even half a lb a day is a lot of progress. I'll have about 200 days if I went like this; 20 days per 10lbs. I am in control of my food and I love gobbling up vegetables. Things like meat, cake, parties, alcohol, and friends are antithetical to weight loss. I'm going to be please with myself at the point when I am thin again. I want to lose more weight than the old mia days. Last night and this morning with my waking moments, I had a pretty bad dream, as I woke up, I thought about my life, and what I lost with the phd rejection. I thought about all my hopes and how it concentrated on that one application. I thought perhaps most uniquely, about how shitty my life is now and how desperately I need some kind of plug, some kind of fix, to make it better. Doing up the loose screws on the bottom of my laptop is not cutting it for long. Using my dad's work printer cos I can't afford ink isn't helping. I wanted a complete transformation; to elevate myself into a great graduate lifestyle, maybe have my own place, get a girlfriend. Oh, the girlfriend. FUCK.  THat's another set of memories I've lost. I've lost everything that matters, including my self esteem.

I'm slowly slipping away. The only thing I can hold on to is the weight. It's not easy to curb when the fridge is full of food. My parents, I think, are starting to notice how much food there is. By not eating I am making my own personal protest. Against their consumerism and lack of good manner, against the indulgence of my friends, against the superficiality and bureaucracy of the world; and in defiance toward the forces that try to bring me down.

I did a fair amount yesterday. I went interning, the boss got me to do a whole lotta tasks, which I completed virtually instantly. The boss then got me to work on this veery complicated spreadsheet which I then did. After about two hours of tinkering and looking up on geek forums. So, I'm an admin monkey. At least its work experience for when I put my fingers down my throat, I mean, metaphorically speaking, in the world of work. I also finished my book two days ago, wrote the book review on the train home from the office; and then submitted it later on. I would like to think that's a productive day.

I think I'll have breakfast-lunch now. Maybe there's something nutritulous downstairs. I like bread. Bread doesn't judge, its' also filling. I like vegetables, they are nice to binge on with none of the calories of meat. My mum is leaving the country to see some family tomorrow, the house will just be me and dad. Did I mention my birthday is next week? Well, I did now, and I'm doing nothing about it. I might cry all day and hide in the dresser. With the increase weight that I've lost, I like to look at my body, and see if there are any changes. I don't think there are changes (good) but I dont think there are any additions either. My tummy is rumblee. I think that means its time to eat.