Tuesday, December 30, 2008

...there's lots of things I want to say..

...but they never come out when Im in front of the laptop.

My friends from college make me feel like shit
my parents don't approve of my PhD, and they have been so great at supporting me
my girlfriend is so amazing supporting me, and i've disappointed her, i actually don't deserve her, Im worried she will leave me.
I'm in the worst financial situation
I have nothing to show for myself or my life

that feels strangely better, i have that feeling of a blocked snotty nose, red eyes, and almost having cried. catharsis, I think they call it.

i still feel shit. I should start purging or something

Monday, December 29, 2008

opiate of the mass

at the moment i feel pretty upset nd self-loathing, i feel masturbating might lift my mood.

it doesn't really, but it helps up to a certain point (pun intended)


In some way, I've found a kind of relationship with the notion of approval; namely, the approval or disapproval of others. Do I seek approval? I'd say its not a matter of seeking or avoiding approval, but I do feel it affects me; approval is supporting, disapproval is debilitating, discouraging, upsetting.

Long hair - disapproved
PhD application - disapproved

I think I have had enough to post at the moment, this feels like enough already for a thought-let of a post

A bad loser

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. Alan Johnson's attitude to life (the character from sitcom 'Peep Show'. I came back from visiting friends just now. Friends from college, who I may have mentioned a few times in the blog in the past.

Part of me has come to realise that the so-called change that had happened to me since starting the blog has amounted to very little. The PhD rejection had made me come to realise some hard home truths.  In essence, it had brought to me some very hard realities, the kind of things I can't purge away, well, I could, but it would still be there.

My life is pretty shit, despite the masters degree that I may or may not have recieved, I have somewhat failed in my life. No job, no money, no immediate or obvious prospects, no way out to change.

These are very negative thoughts, negative thoughts don't amount to much positive change. I cannot ignore them, but I must overcome these things. I must find a way to make anew of my life; to improve upon things.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Old issues

Dawes and the ADC have been bothering me. It upsets me the way he treated me. I competed against him for president at one point; I never was elected, and he always had his hand in the presidency and running the society. Im no longer a member of the university, no longer a member of the ADC. I should feel that this is not a relevant issue to me anymore, but it still upsets me.

I am trying not to feel as upset by issues of the past. I have a lot of stuff going on. I have felt a big drop in energy today. I want to escape. Has my slow painful recovery come full circle? has it come to the return of my low period?

There is something about good writing that wants me to say 'no!', to say, I will fight on, as that seems to be a nice literary device to be determined, but my life is real. I fight on and it feels like my life is slowly ebbing away; this is not easy by any means.

Monday, December 22, 2008

No compromise

Ever seen the film 'Romi and Michelle's High School Reunion'? There is one character who states in the flashback scene of how she had these aspirations of when she grew up; there were then later expressions of her 'aspirations' in her later adulthood. Basically what we find (I think it is called socratic irony, by the way), is that her aspirations slowly decline, as her life does. Beginning with high aspirations she has all the hopes and determinations in the world, when met by disappointment and failure, she puts the bar down a bit.

Have I done the same? Have I lost my integrity?

Please forgive me.

Im struggling to make this dream work, and the world has not fit my dream, so I'm trying to make it happen in some other way. I want the PhD...
I didn't get into the PhD

That's all I am able to say right now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Today I feel my hope waning

It's been 5 weeks since I sent off the PhD application. I think about the grad school I spent over the past year; Part of me feels that It isn't going to happen, another part of me thinks that "if I keep believing it will happen and if I, for any moment lose hope, all hope is lost.

It feels like being a non-person

5 weeks, one day

It has been 5 weeks since I have sent my PhD application. Every day for 5 weeks I have longed for it to come in. Every day I have met disappointment and the possibility of failure. Every day I say to myself "today's the day!", then after 1pm I think to myself "I'm not getting in". It is a rollercoaster, and I am left feeling less than a person; feeling like I am not like a normal person who can earn money or do things. Im just in limbo.

I need this to happen, for my limbo to end.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

at the moment...

I am sitting on my bed with the laptop on my swivel chair, it is 6:14 am and I have been awake since last night. My insomnia has been quite bad on my but today I have decided to be more proactive, currently I am backing up my files on my computer and setting a list of things to do.

Currently I am typing these words while staring at my cupboard and not my laptop, almost as if this screen is a person and I do not wish to be peered into, it's hard to be peered at, judged, especially when I have failed.

My concerns:

I don't want to be fat
I want to be a PhD success

I find that I post when I feel more depressed, but that said, that doesn't mean that I have never done a post saying that things are improving. I guess it is fair to say that at the moment, things are difficult.

I might sit and type on this computer mor if I feel more accidie or, if I feel completely lost in hope; or if I have a thought. But for now, I am going to continue with my day, Im going to fight on as best I can. Today is the day I get a reply from the PhD application people, it has to be! (every other day when I have said 'today's the day' hadn't been the day...) [call this optimism, hope...the dare to dream]

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Aphoristic feelings of the day

1. Im feeling quite tired
2. I think that not shaving indicates my strenght of depression
3. I should shave as a symbol of my determination against my darker feelings
4. She is never far from my thoughts, that is, Marie. However, Antonia's beauty and love is really shining through for me in this period of time.
4. Is it possible to harbour ill feeling toward Marie? I feel that such a response would be the only positive way to move beyond that period of my life
5. On the one hand I feel I should start purging again, its a very small tingling feeling inside me; on the other hand, I feel that such a period of my life was necessary to turn me from what I was to what I am; that is, the who I used to be, the person I was who I was embarrassed to acknowledge, and I still am, I am ashamed to be associated with such a person
6. I pissed in my room again; I used to do it in a bin when I lived in a flat 2  years ago when I was in my third year. I pissed oddly enough into Dawes' flapjack container

Dawes is a guy from the ADC, the university society that I was associated with, you know, the one that Moriarty upstaged me in. He was a first year PhD when I first met him, you could even say that we were good friends. Our relationship deteriorated eventually. I feel bitter things about him. Perhaps I'll talk about that later...

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Baby pictures

In an attempt to free up some computer space, I have been uploading things onto Picassa/Google photos, and videos onto youtube. One thing I noticed is that I have a large amount of pictures of my newest addition to the family.

I remember a friend of mind once told me that when a baby comes into the family, everything changes; you want to show everyone your baby pictures and show the whole world how adorable the little one is.

I however, have always been afraid of babies and children generally. As a contextual comparison, consider the way that the Terminator looked at the little baby in Terminator 2, with complete bemusement and ambivalence. How is it that one is to talk to a baby? I really don't like that baby talk stuff, it's demeaning both to the baby and the adult.

My sister said that talking to a baby helps more than just looking at them. Just looking at them scares a baby (apparently); if i had someone just looking at me and talking about me without acknowledging me, I'd feel pretty objectified.

I do quite like baby pictures. I like how a photograph takes an instance, although there is little interpretation involved compared to normal portraiture, the marking of change in itself is a art itself. I suppose the individual photo gains currency by either the world around it, or other similar photographs.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

3rd December

That is the day, last year, that I was at her birthday celebration: actually, it wasn't; it was the day before. So, I guess, today is the 1 year anniversary.

A year ago, she invited me to her birthday gathering. She said that, "...even though I know that you feel unconfortable around people, I still want to invite you to my birthday" [sic]. I felt an anxiety moment as she asked, even if it was on MSN. I went. Moriarty was there, and some guys from that university society. I wore my Levis jeans, those were the most expensive trousers I had I think they were a size 38', they were not only about to fall off my waist in virtue of my weight loss, they were also falling because, towards the end of the night, my belt broke.

I don't really wear belts anymore, I always considered wearing belts to be a fat-ism, wearing a belt for big trousers, or to hold on trousers that do not fit. Either way, trousers were not fitting, and tend not to for a belt wearer.

During the night, I met up with all of her friends, they were of the metalhead variety, except for the friends we had mutually from the university society, and her flatmates.We went to this bar which is quite popular for heavy metal, gothic, industrial, punk and other such deviant subculture music (except dance genres). At the venue there were, strangely, lots of males, lots of guys who seemed to be enamoured by her, it upset me at the time of all the guys enamoured by here, and I was no different. I thought I was because I knew of her mental torment.

Moriarty was there, and we talked a bit, and some other people as well conversed. Towards the end of the night, I discovered that only two people gave her a present, a flatmate, and myself. I bought her some books in a very expensive box, and a teddy bear. No one else made the effort to give her a gift. When I did give it to her a few days before, we cuddled in the corridor of the maths department. We cuddled a couple of times again that night, and she kissed me a few times on the cheek, repeatedly almost, as if that were the expression of herself in secret, a secret expression in a public place, to express that we had some kind of bond

Now after all this time, I want to forget her, move on with my life. I suppose my recent feelings of lonliness spring from knowing that she is out of my life She was an awesome force; she changed me, perhaps for the good, and also for the bad. I lost a lot of friends, I find now that I must be alone. Even with a lover, I will always be isolated.

What is it that marks my isolation? Her, perhaps, or perhaps me. I said to her once, on the last time we met and talked properly, that she was almost like the mirror of me.

Antonia told me to forget about her, and in some large way, I do; but there are small lingering memories. I feel like the only way to fight this is to empower myself, she has no power over me. I must not let her have any power over my feelings, she must be nothing to me. I must eliminate all traces of that past, that tenderness, that care and love for her. Essentially, to take away a part of me, to eliminate it, to change who I am.

In a way, I feel that I could do this, and I can still remain as someone within me. To still retain a sense of myself, a sense of self, of identity, and let her go. I must empower myself, I deleted her from my MSN contacts list, and I decided not to greet her for her birthday.

I feel desparately alone, no amount of kisses, or cuddles, or sex could ever take that away. I long for tenderness, and yet, tenderness is lost. I have to focus on other things in my life. I will put everything into my PhD studies...I just hope that I get into the PhD...

I'm quite worried about it. Lots of other people my age have already started a PhD, I feel like I am behind to them; that I am not as good as other people, not as good as they are. All around me I sense disapproval, from my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends care neitehr whether I fail or succeed, if I fail, they will have something to laugh at. So maybe you will say "then maybe they aren't real friends", then I suppose, that I have only one real friend, and I do not cherish her enough. I cry as I realise how fortunate I am to have Antonia, and I feel so utterly ashamed that I put her in second place.

That is, another of my flaws, I do not pay attention to those things in life which I should consider important. For a greater goal, I always abandon those immanent and worldly things, which, while make love and life so beautiful, and make the real world, always seem to be unimportant to a higher, singular, transcendent goal. I want to be an academic. I dream of it. Please let my dreams be true, if it comes true, I will be eternally greatful and things will still be difficult, if I do not, I will be destroyed.

If I do get into the PhD; I will still feel this sense of deprivation. I need to realise that my life is wonderful as it is and although I want so much to get into the PhD; I long that things improve once more. Im greedy, I guess. I was duped by Marie. It was my failure, I have many flaws and imperfections, it makes me feel almost powerless.

Im going to enact a change to myself, I must lose more weight, perhaps I shall start purging again. I want very much to fight this darkness, this emptiness. I want to be an academic, perhaps I can lose myself in the work, perhaps the emptiness may remain, but I strive to fight these feelings. I strive to be special. I don't feel bery special, I feel like nothing.

Monday, December 1, 2008


I am awake at 3am currently. Im at home again in my parent's home; I feel this sense of isolation, that I am outside of time, alone, in a void. I suppose this is just my head fooling with me, and I must try to fight this feeling as much as I can.

Im alone in the house, in limbo; my PhD application is neither approved or rejected; I am just waiting. I ought to make another application, and maybe apply for a small job.

I got a letter from my home address a few days ago. The letter was from the university about my graduation for my MA; I haven't recieved a mark yet, nor is this a sign that I have passed; but the day looms of the next graduation. I feel like I am dangling from a string, over an unseeable, vast expanse. Eventually the dangling will end, but will I fall, or will I fly?

I try to distract myself with this state of limbo. I try my best to force my feelings away from this, but it's hard. I'll continue to play some computer games...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

The fight

Currently I feel this indifference, this sense of doing nothing, that I have nothing to do, nothing to fight for, nothing to strive for, no motivation, I don't want to do anything, I'm a little hungry, but I dont' want to go and eat.

What do I do?

Shall I go home for the weekend?

Why not, I'll book the ticket....

Antonia is going to London this weekend, so I though I will go too.

At least that is some motivation...but now I feel indifferent about going, again!

Fuck it, WE ARE GOING! (by we, I mean I)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My friends

The one thing I noticed when I was reading The Bell Jar was how the title character's decline was obvious to everyone but oblivious to her.

Recently I have been feeling more 'depressed', but let me state that it is in a context where my mood and attitude is getting generally better. I see it in a different way now, I think.

I think that I have lost my friends.

I ask: who are actually my friends?

|I have distanced myself from people over the past few months. I guess I'm ashamed, in other ways, I guess that I am not willing. The past few days have been very bad, I have had low motivation and not been up to doing much. Today, I spend the day doing folders and organising my correspondences, that took a couple of hours out.

I feel like a non-person sometimes. I feel lost.

Im trying so hard to be positive, but I feel the wool of past dispositions and moods slowly going over my eyes. I'm trying to fight. In some ways, I feel it is easier to go on my own thatn with anyone else. People have flaws and their flaws impose on me when they try to help, their advice is tattered and stained with their background and experiences, this can help, but other tiems it cannot.

Marie, I think about her less and less. I masturbated over her last night and then I cried. I thought that if I see her as a sexual object, if I see everyone as just a thing, a distant object and independent from my own existence

Monday, November 24, 2008


No one likes being told what their flaws are, no one likes criticism. I am no different. It upsets me to be criticised, however, I think sometimes a fair point must be made and I am at fault and I must improve in some way.

My fault is that I find it difficult to accept criticism, my fault is trying to be the centre of attention at times.

Other times, however, I don't want anyone to pay attention to me. Sometimes I fall into an old habit, of behaving in such a show-off way that calls attention to me. I suppose that this is my flaw.

I am an attention-seeker. That's my flaw.


I think that the battle never ends, but what makes a person is how they fight.

Today I have still not received a response.

I'm getting scared.

I want to know what they have decided, I need to know...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Was it my fault?

A question that came to my mind today: was it my fault of what happened to Marie and me?

Did I make my own situation? Should I have acted differently?

I miss not her, but what she represented to me.

Often, men expose a kind of misogyny, a mistrust of women, a "don't put pussy on a pedestal" attitude. It is tempting to feel that way. But it seems men might have this attitude more out of hurt than hatred.I feel that I may never ever feel attached or truly connected with someone In the way htat I can confide in them. I am always hiding something from someone. That is a lonely life.

A further point about misogyny. I have felt that recently, I tried to look at women as object and it failed terribly for two reasons, to see things as objects for consumption cheapens me as a glutton. It cheapens me by greed and the perception of all things as commodities, it would be the same if I treated music in the same way, not as elevated art, but as fun consumption, emotional catharsis.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A feeling

I got a bad feeling that I might not get a PhD...

I am really scared.

Also, I am not doing very much at the moment in my life while I am waiting. I really should do something, get a job or something, I don't know.

I don't want a job, but on the other hand, I'm not really in a position to complain.

I feel increasingly these days that I am becoming a burden on people, on Antonia, on my parents, my brother doesn't like me applying for a PhD. My parents don't approve, my mum talks as if I will fail and she already knows the result of my application.

I'm glad antonia is supporting me in some way, it is getting hard though. My heart feels heavy as I am waiting.

I am quite low in motivation at the moment. Stuck between hoping and despairing, yet experiencing neither. It is, quite simply, limbo.

Limbo nearly at an end

Will I be saved or damned?

I sent my PhD application a week ago. I emailed the faculty a couple of days ago to ask if they recieved my application, and they have. Currently, the department is deciding my fate.

I'm scared.

This means everything to me. Please let this dream happen, please God, in desparation I believe. I will learn from my mistakes, and I will improve myself. Please let me do this.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Antonia told me I have a belly again

My dad told me I have put on weight

The weighing scales say that i'm up and down, up more often than down, overall a stabilising of my weight

I have been feeling more stable recently, not purging, and cooking a lot.

I have been experimenting with things like cheese, spam, mince, desert, flour, garlic crushing, spam, onions, honey etc.

I deem all of the above a contributing factor:

My strategy that i project to lose weight:

1. Eat less
2. Eat properly
3. Excercise
4. Don't purge
5. Know your limits, the right portions.

Friday, November 14, 2008


One thing that makes me feel down:

I resigned from the last university committee I was involved with. It was in some respects the last straw on the camel's back leaving that committee.

Now that I'm off it, I feel strange.

Like I am a no one
Not liked
Not good enough

The challenge of my days is to give those feelings no oxygen, fuel it with nothing, and maybe it will die away. Overcome those feelings, even realities.

If I push hard against reality hard enough, and what people think of me, I might change the world with my determination, effort and action.

It's hard, but I'm willing to do it, it is unrealised but I will fight on.

Antonia makes me say to myself: I am perfect, whole and complete. Saying things enough makes me believe it.

I am a PhD student.
I deserve it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


For Marie, fantasy is important to her. She is involved in this medieval reenactment thing.

I guess I should tell you some things that I have heard about Marie recently:

1. She has dropped out of uni, and the city of our university.
2. She has left the country and gone back home
3. She came back for a while to the UK and meet some uni friends
4. She valorises this one guy, Chet, blonde, medium length hair, I guess she thinks that he's cute, she drew apicture of him on facebook. She probably loves him.
5. She doesn't talk to me anymore.

Marie is a sore, forgotten memory. I think we are allowed to have sore memories in our lives. Antonia, for instance, has had an abortion. She feels gravely sad about the baby that could have been.

I think sore memories are acceptable, but what is important is to leave them behind in the past and pay no more attention to them. This seems wrong to me in some way.

Three cans of fosters...

..., and sitting at home, that is, my parental home, makes me feel a nice sense of numbeness.

I think I was infantilised around Marie, emotionally, stuck in a place I thought she wanted me, I thought she would like me if I was in that place.

I haven't purged in ages.

By the way, it is a 2 year anniversary of my incarceration. I had sex with a woman, my girlfriend, tender intimate passion, firey rage of lust. Antonia told me that I made her bleed from all the sex. I haven't given much thought to what happened 2 years ago.

In some ways, I think that gives me power over it. The power over my mind, over my thoughts. I'm not thinking about it anymore. The more energy and thought I put into feeling depressed and thinking about feeling depressed and how difficult things are, it makes it harder.

Things are difficult, I know because I'm living it. I'm going to push through, going to push hard.

I'm afraid I'm going to have a breakdown if something goes wrong. I must learn that I am always built up and destroyed again.

My ego as well. I've suffered a knock, and I am finding the challenge of finding myself again. THis week I applied for a PhD, I sent of the letter finally that the referees have sorted out their letter. One guy told me that supervision was not guaranteed, another said I was a weak candidate.

I have a hurdle to jump, and a leap of faith that I will get in. I'm scared.

I have to go cos my dad just came in from his night shift...might sign on my other laptop!

Thursday, November 6, 2008


In a state of limbo, I try to fight on with my life and progress to my goals and seek contentment (or at most, escape despair.

1. I have deleted Marie from my MSN contacts list
2. I have emailed (being forward), my MA supervisor about my reference letter
3. I have been doing domestic tasks today: cleaning up my room, clothes, the sperm on the wall, paying cheques for bills.

Progress is moving on, its not easy, but it must be done. I don't want to be a sorry memory or a forgettable person. I must fight for my very existence and importance. That's what makes me special, that I must persevere.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I found some dodgy pictures on the internet of Marie.

This was very distressing for me.

I think that now she is a distant person, nay, an object.

I  feel so distressed, I no longer see her as a person, but a distant thing. The person I was closest too has now been cut off.

Those pictures are quite arousing, I think I'm going to masturbate over them. In a way, by masturbating over her, and seeing her just as an object, I feel more alone, and yet, more distant from her. I think I need to have emotional distance to the idea of her. It will be a good wank...

...and I will be fundamentally alone

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Time Capsule/Special box

I keep a box of some very sentimental items; I've kept it probably since before I went to university. The box has changed, and so have the things within it, but the sentimentality is still there. As long as I have the box, so do I have my memories and the meaning it has. If I lost it, so too would the meaning be lost. No matter how I hide it or how much I ignore it, it will always be there, and so long as it is, I will always have those things.

Things it contains:

A cork, from the bottle of wine that I had on the night that I lost my virginity (Rioja)
A note from my first counsellor (when she left)
My watch (very sentimental item)
Badges from school

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Learning is the state of being small, and submitting to not knowing, in such a way that one can accept and take on new knowledge.

It's hard, to deflate what you think you know, and re-evaluate things. Sometimes you restate things, to state things you already know, but not to assume you know it.

I must learn the patterns which create(d) my situations. I try to step back, note how I feel, and I try to think about what I do, its really hard because I often want to go to my most primal, most obvious response (get angry, purge, feel sad and self-depreciating)

My faults

There are two kinds of ways in which I can critique myself. Firstly, I can be extremely self-depreciating, in the kind of way where I just make myself feel miserable. This is not perhaps very productive, in the sense that I don't say okay, so here are my faults, how can I do better?.

The other kind is more constructive, this can be quite vicious, in the sense that some of the things I think about are hard to hear, and not only that, I have a  view to improving myself in this kind of criticism, such that I realise I have a lot of work for myself. So, here are my faults:

1. I have a bad public personality
2. I need to stop making people look like the enemy, and not see things too much in black and white terms
3. I need to let go of some things, some things I used to think about myself
4. I must improve myself, and in doing so, I must change my old habits. My bad habits which are so easy to just fit in to.

This seems vague, but maybe in the future I'll say more.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Effort, that is the strength I am not so good at. But I am willing to change.

Today, well, just earlier, I had a knock. A knock of my confidence and self-esteem. Some things are hard to talk about, some things take up a lot of effort even to think about, when it is so easy just to forget it is ever present in my life, or that it ever happened.

Here's a list of today's downers:

1. I have been 'discharged' from the university society I could have been president for. If I were more organised and I got into a PhD by now, and if I were confident, I would be president. Instead; I'm not even a member of the committee anymore. It hurts.

2. Supervisor guy said that there is no guarantee I will be accepted. This is sort of a clue it seems, that I won't get in to the PhD.

I have got to stay positive.


I'm eating a doner kebab, and I finished a hot dog on the way home. I think I am going to read a novel tonight to keep my spirits up.

I'm special, but I have to prove it to myself. I have to push myself. I have to relearn how to be a good person, to erase my faults as a person and learn to be better.

It's hard, I feel cut down and small.

I feel the urge to just purge and hide away from the world.

I'll just have a night in and force myself to be busy.

There is a little echo in my thoughts: My life is over

I'm going to push myself. Easier said than done. Good night everyone

Monday, October 27, 2008

What makes me anxious?

Fear of embarrassment, or losing face in some kind of way.

That's why I feel so anxious and scared about making cvontact with people, and emailing about my PhD application

That's also why it has taken so long!

Conan's question

One of my fun films that I like to watch is Conan the Barbarian. There is this one scene, in the introduction half of the film concerning the pastoral, cultural and combat influences he has; in this one scene Im thinking of, Conan is at a feast with these (presumably) Mongol warriors. This one question comes up:

What is best in life?

One way of not thinking about Marie, is to think about her as a sexual object only. Yeah I suppose it is some kind of feminist horror or something, but it helps me cope with life, by pushing myself away from the world, and myself. I started this blog to change myself. I will change myself again.

I see the pics of her on facebook, dressed in reenactment gear and all that body paint. It clearly isnt the person I am.

So who am I?

Good question...how do I find definition? I don't like those metalheads or rockers or goths, and I'm too 'metal' for normal intellectuals.

I am me, I like Finnish death metal alongside Bach, I like family guy and read Goethe. I am me, the only one. People ought to follow me as an archetype, a standard.

It's probably sick a thing to say, but fuck it, this is my candid of thoughts. I find masturbation a mind-numbing act of relief, of detachment from the real world. When I masturbate I think of sexual things and make objects of those things that the image represents. In so making and connecting pleasure with a person, I do it through a representation and an abstraction, wanking is not sex, but something altogether distinct a sexual act. By masturbation, I feel a detachment from the world which eases my hurt feelings.

Maybe the numb feelings are coming to replace triggers and stuff like that. I welcome change, I want to be the best damn guy I can be. Consider this a new phase of me, in my ever-continuing life, this is not the last, and its not the first, but its now and I'm making the most (well I ought to anyway)

The empty glare

I feel that of late, my feelings are changing, my patterns of mood have changed a little. I think perhaps this is positive. One thing I must admit thought, is that I find depressed people to be quite annoying.

I need to come to the realisation that Marie wasn't as amazing as I thought. Not that i think that now, but if I do think that, then maybe she won't have any effect on me. And neither will anyone else in this life....

I guess that's the price to pay

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Everything seems merely surface, that everyone is the generic fun-loving personality that hides an empty soul.

Makes life even more empty for those who aren't everyone.

Last night I took some pills and it make me throw up violently and feel pretty shit. MIght explain more about that later

Monday, October 20, 2008

New me: A letter to a friend

Dear [friend],


After your last email, I thought maybe I put
forward that I had some question or some thing that required a reply. I didn't
really intend as such. I feel its really nice to have someone who is mature and
understanding. It's really rare, almost like, zero people are like that (but not


I try to be aware of myself, how I look, how I
feel, what I do, how much I weigh...how much I spend! I've noticed lots of
changes, and changes as small as buying skimmed milk and bread on a regular
basis says and means a lot for me from where I once was. I get broken down a
lot, in terms of my confidence, my self-esteem, my ability, my physical strength
and fatigue, my appearance; and now I suppose I just see it as a skill to be
able to get up again, and start from the beginning. I used to have a big beard,
because I didn't shave. While that may sound and seem obvious a thing to say, I
thought shaving was a really difficult daily task to do, so I didn't bother.
Getting up in the morning and having a shower regularly, or shaving, can
sometimes be such a chore. As such, I try to develop new habits. I spent £200 in
one go at buying man cosmetics a couple of months ago. Why? Well, one reason is
that I had the money at the time, and the other reason is that sometimes I make
an excuse for not doing things; oh I could eat healthy but I don't have any
vegetables or fruit. So, now, I regularly buy bananas. I like bananas because
they are quite low calorie and apparently they are called superfoods. I feel
better if I spend my calories on food that is healthy.


As such, I try to avoid making excuses, I bought
loads of shaving blades, shaving cream, proper facial scrubs, clay face mask,
moisturiser, post-shave cream, body butter, anti-wrinkle cream, and a travel bag
to keep it in. Perhaps you may think this is excessive, perhaps it is vain. I
did it so that I won't have an excuse for not shaving, not looking after myself,
not being hygenic, I shall try not to hide behind excuses like 'I don't have any
shaving cream so I can't shave'; because although I would need shaving cream or
blades to shave, it hides a real reason, my lack of will and lack of effort to
get to maintaining myself.
I feel quite
self-conscious about my body, and until a few months ago I never really felt
attractive. Being attractive to someone makes me feel a sense of vindication,
like I am at least somehow similar to the rest of the world. I was in the pub
once with these guys talking about girlfriends and I could take part. People
think I am imposing because of the clothes I wear and I went to the gym quite a
bit of late. I feel confident about my body, and although I do definately think
there is room for improvement, I feel that I have come a long way.


I always bought food that either would be eaten
immediately or stuff that I end up never using. I bought food that was easy to
make and eat, because of the obvious reason of being quick and less effort. I
also felt anxious about buying perishable food. I was worried that I wouldn't
eat for a day or so, or not use the milk and it would go off and I would have
wasted my money. It was a hard habit to learn to buy perishable food;
vegetables, milk, fruit, bread etc. Because it was part of my anxiety about
leaving things in the house that I couldn't monitor all the time. Having bad
flatmates in my previous flat was also discouraging. I used to have flatmates
who stole my food and were very unfriendly and it was in an unsavoury university
residence. That made me upset and shyed away from my progress. Im now in a good
place and feel comfortable about buying perishable foods. I also enjoy just
going to sainsburys even if I don't necessarily have something on the list to
get; just to see what is around, or to top up on supplies or see what's on
reduced sale.


What I have learned is that progress can happen,
and it can also be reversed sometimes, its up to me to determine progress or
regress. Whether I am getting better or whether its a difficult time, depends on
what I do. On my personal organiser, I put a task every sunday and wednesday to
make my bed look tidy. I do this because it looks nice in my room to have a tidy
room, and it encourages me to do work and is conducive to doing work and
avoiding procrastinating or thinking about cleaning it up.


I feel like things are progressing in some ways,
but I also don't want things to move too fast. My girlfriend said that she would
love to have kids with me someday and she feels quite excited about the prospect
of having my baby. This did scare me a little bit; she did add the caveat that
she'd want to do it at some point in the future when things settles down in our
own lives and with the world at large. It forced me to think about the future.
Some things force me to think about the future, and I still am not quite there
yet. I want to do the PhD; three or four years it shall take up and I'm fine
with that. I'd feel more confident about my future and thinking about my life if
I had a PhD attached to me, I could apply to academic jobs maybe and be mobile
and have the security that I'll have a wage and might be doing some fun
teaching. I don't think I am ready to have a job, although teaching or research
doesn't really count as work for me. I find it is interesting that you got
married, it doesn't seem so much the ceremony itself that seems poignant, but
the stage in a relationship, and one's own maturity that one is in when they get
married. I'm far from there, and I don't really want to think about the future
in that way, it scares me and makes me anxious.


I do like to think about my thesis;
in that it is very prospective and can relate to all sorts of notions in
philosophy and the history of science. I think about it endlessly. I
think about things in such a way that I feel comfortable just being in silence
or not saying anything and just thinking for hours on end. Apparently most other
people don't really do that, and what I take for granted, people see as unusual.
Sometimes I play on the fact that I am unusual; I can reason about things or
think about things in seconds where people take minutes to contemplate. Loads of
things I have either already thought about before (but I don't rely on my past
judgment, just the past items of consideration), or have thought about things
which are so much harder that most things seem easy. I like to intimidate people
who think they are bigger than me (intellectually), and then I topple them;
medical doctors, managers, non-philosophers, academics. I like to pick on people
who are bigger than me, older than me, earn more money than me, people in
socially, non-disabled, non-minority positions, and showing how my defiance and
strength shines through all the things that hold me back when I compare myself
to their able-bodied selves.


Things have changed, but I'm scared of the future
despite all the improvements. A day can come where all of the things that I have
strived to improve can be undone, if I have a low day, or if I have a bad
trigger, it can ruin and tear through all the good habits and I shall regress to
eating fast food and having a messy room and just lying in my bed all day.
Sometimes it happens, and its hard to get up again.


I opened up to Marie. She was one of the few people,
one of the only people who knows me in person that I really opened up to, that
knew about my purging, about my lonliness, my incarceration, my interests, that
knew me for me. Marie is involved with someone else and she never seemed to tell
me that. I established a really special connection with her and sense of
honesty, and then I just felt it closed up again. I don't really think I can be
that open to someone again; not even with Antonia. I always feel a barrier,
emotional or something, when I'm with her, sometimes it goes down; like the one
time she stayed over at my parents place and she saw me in my childhood home; or
the time that we went to the GUM clinic because the condom burst and we were
both worried about her getting pregnant. Sometimes I think, and I feel this is
the most band-aid of my perspectives on it: being closed to everyone in the
world (including Marie) in some fundamental way isn't a bad thing, if it means
that I can get to be an original and serious philosopher; if I can be a person
who thinks in terms of Bach harmony and counterpoint when sitting in front of
the 48 preludes and fugues doing sight reading, if I am able to just improvise
12-bar blues by learning simple jazz rules, if I am able to read and sort of
understand papers in philosophical logic or metaphysics, if I am not only able
to understand Immanuel Kant's philosophy, but am an original interpreter of his
work and I have a competing and unique interpretation of his theoretical
philosophy, and that I am from a working class, ethnic minority background. That
I have dyspraxia and yet I can play chopin and rachmaninov; that I have anxiety
and I performed a piano recital and often do public speaking; that I have an
eating disorder and yet can be beautiful to one special person, makes me feel
special. Maybe that's the price of being completely alone. Sometimes its worth
it, other times it isn't. My girlfriend sometimes says that it looks like I am a
showoff when I list and catalogue all these eccentric things that I have done;
so I just don't think about it, and I just think about the next step, going to
sainsburys, writing an email, planning the weeks.


Oh did I mention that I created a facebook support
group for depression? I have had 3 interviews about it: one for a psychology
magazine for the USA, one for a student paper, and another for radio 1. I forget
about these random things. I have about 1400 members and I am always keen to
check up if any of them are distressed. I feel like i make some impact to help
others, I'm not a GP or a psychologist, or a healer, but I do just that little


Honestly, none of my achievements mean anything,
unless I get a PhD. Icing doesn't make a cake, a cake makes a cake!


I've not purged for a while. However, the effects
have made some damage. It feels like my throat is constantly dry and sore all
the time, furthermore, I've lost a lot of my rear molar...I probably need it
reconstructed or something. I want to purge because it feels like I am cheating
myself if I don't vomit. I need to do something drastic and effective to lose
weight and I feel like if I don't purge then I will undo all the weight loss I
have had. I gained a bit of weight after I did excercise and yet Im not sure if
i was 'fatter'; I feel a bit confused because my weight is apparently going down
but I am not looking as different.


Perhaps all of the stuff I said seems random and
irrelevant. Perhaps I shall say it in another way. I attempted to reinvent
myself...and it worked. I still have problems (who ever doesn't), but I feel so
much different now. I feel almost like I am living a fantasy sometimes; that I
am living the fantasy I had in my teens of living in some kind of noble poverty
as an intellectual, that being poor would not make me lazy even if I 'made it',
and that I am pursuing the doctoral dream that I have always had (not to mention
the hair, body, and the girl). Some of these changes are maybe not big, but all
together, the surface makes the ground. It feels like I am a new person and I am
always aftraid of going back to how it was. I put forward some safeguards in
anticipation of this: the most notable thing is that I ditched those bad friends
who were negative or made me who I used to be. I left them behind so that they
can chnage too if they are willing  I think that I am a bit of a bastard in that
I abandoned some old friends, but I feel that they were no good for me in light
of where I wanted to be It is protecting myself to be away from certain


What hurts is that some people refuse to see that
there is a new me. A thin me, a me who is different from before. Sometimes I
feel that there are some people who just want me to stay down becaues it makes
them feel better, or it doesn't affect the friendship in a negative way that I
am miserable. I don't like those people. I am moving on, moving forward and I am
struggling enough without those people. I don't like being seen in that light,
that I used to be fat. I hate it. I hate what I used to be. I am now willing to
change, especially as every day is different for me, and the challenges vary.


Thank you so much for reading this, Im not very
good at communicating myself, and no one really knows what's going on. Thank you :)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Talking to me

I don't often do this aloud, talking to myself. I did just now. At first, I let my thoughts drift to anything. I imagined talking to someone, then I cried a little. Then I appreciated what Antonia does for me, and lastly, I shall will myself to fight on.

I am going to push myself and be the legend I was, to be me, embrace my dream, my future. NOW.

I am at my strongest right now, and I have so much more I can be. I embrace this fact and am willing to embrace my future, better self!!

I am, right now, willing to fight on, I am able to fight on. And now  is the time to do it, to fight, to be my best, always, now and for as long as I can possibly go on. I must fight at the lowest point, and remind myself, getting up at the lowest is where gravity hits most. If you get up, and rise up from there, you show yourself to be a warrior.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Some improvements I have noticed

1. I don't sweat as much (but still I sweat a lot)
2. I am not always breathless
3. I'm getting better at sex (so Antonia says)
4. I am looking better, thinner, stronger
5. I am willing to change and adapt who I am, to be a better person. I want to be a better person, especially with academic stuff. My grammar, apparently, is atrocious.

Maybe if I'm famous one day the people will laugh at those who derided my poor diction and beautiful syntax. I think, honestly, my language is shit. I sound like someone who doesn't have english as their native langauge. That's really odd, because english is my native language!

In my blood

There are some parts of a person which one cannot deny. Some parts so fundamental, that one simply cannot except in some healthy construal of self. For me, I think this is my past as a musician. I couldn't commensurate my present with that past, when I initially had depression.

But now, i think I can.

I think also to myself, never anything such as why did it take so long?, but look how far I have come.

Positive thinking...It sounds so new age and bullshit. But, Antonia's advice and suggestions of help really do affect me in a good way. I'm - I was almost about to say 'happy'. I shall still avoid the word.

One thing really matters, constantly in my thoughts: am I going to get accepted for a PhD?

Some positives

1. My body looks quite fit, quite masculine, built, but not fat, not medium,  not exactly skinny, but nearly athletic.

2. I'm going to go and see my girlfriend and have sex today. You know, that doesn't seem as exciting as I thought it may have been a year ago; I'm quite ambivalent about sex, well, except when I'm horny, and then I'm pretty excited about one point in sex (namely, the end); but I think I'm low on testosterone today, since....

3. I've got internet access back! yay! I have been celebrating by checking my emails and masturbating furiously

4. The most important positive is this: I am ready to move on from the period in my life of when I did my masters. It was a way up the emotional and social ladder from a very dark place. I am now passable in a social way.

Friday, October 10, 2008

self expression

In some way this log is a vessel for expressing my inner feelings. Sometimes I find it so much easier to not speak my feelings, to find comfort in silence, to just stare at the wall, the ceiling, and just be consumed by the silence. I just want to be consumed by emptiness, to fade away into nothing; and turn into dust. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to get up. To move.

Sometimes my limits change. More capacities at some times, none, at others.

right now I feel it a chore to type, to move, to get up, to talk, to even wank...


Today, well just now, I went to get a reference. The guy said he thinks I'm not good enough for a PhD.

Perhaps its needles to say that it shot my confidence, perhaps it isn't. I have wanted to do a PhD for all my adult life. If I don't get into this I don't know what I am going to do with my life. I sucked up my fear and asked him, I sucked in my tears and took a chance.

I sat in the toilet for a near half hour. I sat on the toilet pondering whether I ought to purge. I don't get why I shouldn't purge; oh, other than the fact that my teeth really hurt and I've lost a lot of my rear tooth.

Please make this happen. I ask the powers that e who are above me, for those in control.. Please grant me this, my one wish of life.

Im sitting here in a common space at the university. I am using the internet here cos there isn't any internet in my home until 15th. Thus, not been able to post all of my thoughts and feeligns.

To purge or not to purge. I want control...I want control over my life, control over my feelings...I know its not fully realisable to have those things, but I desperately wish to have my dreams fulfilled. I feel really drained today. Maybe I'll just starve myself, that normally works out okay...

Current weight: 176.6lbs

Saturday, October 4, 2008

This week

I've been away and busy this week. Internet being dead in my flat for the next week is affecting me. I have also found another potential supervisor. Which is good.

Fresher's fair and helping out with Moriarty's society. Fresher's week means being around a lot of 18 year old hotties and being tired a lot. Freshers seem more and more distant from the place I am in my own life. Maye that's a good thing. I also spontaneously went back to my parent's home on the other side of the country. I have lots of other thoughts over the past day or so to think about now I have internet access

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Dissertation Coda

On the day that I was going to finish my dissertation, I got a phonecall; it was David. David is the guy I mentioned a few posts ago. David was a guy that I did my undergraduate degree with, we were together in the first year after he emailed me and said he wanted to live with me after I put up an ad in the university accomodation website.

David and I got on. We kind of were like Milhouse and Bart in the simpsons. Both of us didn't have many friends, one of us (David) didn't care, but I did. I was the one who always had the schemes and he was the one who silently wathced me as I failed (Barney and Fred). Both of us were like the classic duo of teen comedies, who both shared ineptitude with women and a little bit of downtroddenness.

Eventually I found that both David and Greg seemed to feed on my depression and feed it. They seemed to enjoy criticising me and I didn't want any part of that. So I avoided them.

I want to move on with my life , I thought to myself, over hte past year. And I successfully cut them out.

The end of my dissertation on the friday that I got it written up marked a Coda to our friendship.

I got a call from David on the friday, he made a fake story about wanting to meet me, siad there was a big conference coming on, he was also submitting his dissertation. I was kind of busy and not realyl a good host, I was meant to meet him by a unviersity building but I was busy finishing my dissertation. David then came over to my new place and he stood as he watched me finish off and print my Dissertation.

After that we went off to eat at a chippy, his favourite chippy in town. We ate cheap as usual and it was nice to talk to him again. We were civil, however, I kept my distance, he seemed to respect that.

What then happened at the end of the conversation was that he broke the awkwardness that I was trying to save face by hiding with.

"Why did you block me on facebook?"

I just lied. The most hurtful lie in the world. I just want to lay low for the time being. I dont want people knowing what I do all the time and things are pretty difficult these days. I didn't lie about that, but I wasn't honest that I blocked him. I should have told him:

I'm sorry David, but our friendship is over. We had some good times together but unfortunately I want to move on in my life in different directions to you, I feel like I am stuck in a rut if I stay around with you. I must leave you and your insults, but I will have some good memories. I'm leaving you for me.

After I left him and we separated, he was distinctly quiet after my 'lying'. I went off the sainsburys to buy some things for my visit to see Antonia. Guess who I was in front of in the queue; none other than my old housemate in the second year, and former best friend, Greg.

Greg told me that he is leaving for london (for good) and is starting a new job. Good for him, I said and I genuinely think its good. Greg, David and I lived together for a year. IT was a difficult year for my anxiety. I was not very well and, even though I'm not very well now, it was all very new to me at the time.

Depression. It takes time to learn how to cope. Even though the lessons don't end and don't get easier, you developp a bit of a thicker skin about coping with life. Some nights I feel as if my very sanity had ended, and the next day I wake, in the mist of despair, a new day, and hope. The experience was unforgettably painful, but my life goes on, another day passes, and perhaps things won't be so bad, for a week or may be a month, until the next bout.

I have to accept what I have become. My old friends have left me, or perhaps I left them. Improvement comes by cutting off the corrupted good things that could turn into the bad. I lost two good friends. As I said my goodbyes to Greg, although it wasn't a permanent adieu. I took the bus and went to see Antonia, my girlfriend.

Life isnt' a happy ending, but sometimes, just standing to the last bow is the only victory.

I went 15 rounds with that Masters. But I don't feel proud. I'm dirt poor, I've lost my friends, I have been tortured endlessly and I have diminishing doctoral prospects.

This is the future, and I struggle. I struggle not only to live, but to accept and embrace the now.
I want to do a PhD.

I need to do a PhD.


There is a large group of people who are standardly of university age (18-21) have a very odd inconsistency about them. Not everyone is like this, but most people.

It looks as if people these days are brought up, have a distinct allocated period of being rebellious and having fun, and then, knuckle down and become part of the adult world. I kind of understand what Marie felt now. Marie felt like she was suffocated by a world where magic was lost; if everything is knowable, and everything eventually becomes known; the old magic is somehow lost.

I saw this as an abhorrent view when I first met her nearly a year ago. I thought what she meant was that we should enforce purposeful ignorance to save space for magic in the world and the unknown. Perhaps she would not admit it, but what I really think she meant was that she wanted a world where there was still wonder and awe at the littleness of our humanity, and the grand mystery of the natural world.

My parents think that I am rebellious because of my long hair. I am not really rebellious in the James Dean kind of way. I just want to be an academic and sometimes I like to intimidate professional non-academics who think they know more than an academic. (That's fair, right?)

My parents think eventually I will become like everyone else, get a job, cut my hair, and clock on like everyone else.

I don't want ot live that way.

On the other hand, I don't want to live in poverty. I want to be supported financially. I want to be an academic. I want to have a PhD.

That's always been my priority.

Or is it?

Maybe I deserve if I don't get a PhD. Maybe I deserve it cos I was focusing on running my support group, getting angry and hoping and holding out that something would happen with Marie.

In a lot of ways I think realising that I have feelings for Antonia happened by letting go of Marie. Marie is so unique and delicate, strong and fierce yet tortured. I saw a bit of myself in her. I would be attracted to her because I feel so much like her.

Sometimes people get together because of the circumstances. People at uni or school become sweethearts cos they are in proximity all the time. Sometimes just being in the right place with a person with no one around for a long time leads to that one thing lead to another syndrome. God, life sounds like a bad porno movie.

Whatever happened to true love? I dunno. I don't think I care anymore. A big part of me has just stopped caring about things. Morality, justice, pleasure, happiness.

Slowly I just feel more and more numb. Slowly, I feel more of myself dying. I'm not sure I really care that much. I used to, but I just let go....

let go....

The past week

Hello Everyone,

I've been away for the past week or so and not posting. This has been for a few reasons.

1. The most important and explanatory worthy consideration is that my internet connection has died at my flat. Apparently it should be installed in about... three days ago.
2. I may have mentioned that I failed an essay for my MA; I was almost about to finish my degree and then I got the bad news. I failed my essay that I did about a month or so previously.
3. More bad news. My potential doctoral supervisor has refused to give a reference. He said to finish off my masters first, and take things one step at a time. The irony is that when people say that to me, I believe it less: i used to believe in it and say that as a mantra repeatedly.

One step at a time.

4. It looks like my finances are not looking too good. I want to do a doctorate. I want to be in the university. I want to be at uni. I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't want ot take time out. I don't want to have a job and never thing about intellectual things again. I want to write essays and read books and be around academics and learn from them.

I don't want to leave university.

5. My student period ends in a few days. I call my family and they expect me to do everyhting independently. They feel such disappointment in me and don't want me to---

as I type I just experienced a trigger...

I think I'm going to end the post now. Suddenly I want to purge.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

angry again

I have finished writing a letter to the NHS about arranging an appointment.

I feel angry.

want to take it out on someone.

spoke too soon about the whole trigger thing...

oh well.


My folders, i have now decided, will possess the following prefix if they warn me of a trigger



The triggers are lessening, I've not had a trigger in a few days. That's really good...

All I need now is a PhD place.

I need a PhD.
I want to get better.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Happy Anniversary

Today, well yesterday, is the official 1-year anniversary of this blog.

In a way, I guess I am pleased at how much has changed, although I am not in a good way currently, I can be glad of my personal development. I can regret whatever I like if I ever thought hard about it, but today, I shall be glad. I'll try to anyway...I lost my virginity this year, I got a girlfriend who I care for very much. I got my heart broke, and did a conference paper...

Better than nothing.

I hope the next year brings me even more adventure...because...I'm always focused on the now. Never on the wider picture.

That's why I'm bad at planning. That's my big flaw.


the heaviness has set in again.

I find it all too difficult to fight on. Why, what's the point of going on?

What do I do?

I guess one thing I can do is buy some food...

then start work

Everything is so hard.

I don't want to do anything. Hope is that tiny glimmer of light, it gets smaller as I stay more sedate.


Spent the weekend with Antonia. That was amazing. Today my goal is to get another pair of dissertations bound (for me). I've given in my dissertation. Is this cause to celebrate? No...

I need to resubmit an essay, finish my MA. Hopefully get a bloody MA.

And hope....

hope for a PhD place.

What makes a good 'account'

A biography is an account of one's life that does not tell everything, and yet, is warts and all. A biography is a characterisation, but not a full depiction.To write well is not to say everything you know. It is never the sign of eminence to go full on in one's knowledge and skill. That is a fault from which I must learn

Friday, September 12, 2008


is my current feeling.

repeating the feelings of earlier depressions...

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Today i asked my tutor to be a reference. I think he refused. He said lets take things one at a time.

I have a feeling the PhD dream isn't going to happen...

I don't want to lose my dream...please please please make it happen...

please give me my dream. I'll do anything...

please God give me mercy....

I will die if I can't do a phd...I am falling apart.

I have been thinking about antonia all day....dreaming of her support...is all i can hold on to

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

the morning after the night before

Typing perhaps cannot communicate the heaviness I feel. But sometimes, conveyance is not the reason I write; I seek expression, clarification, and most of all, acknowledgement.

I have a lot of flaws. Antonia, I realise, how much i care for her. In some ways, I feel like I am getting over Marie by realising the immanence of what Antonia is; Marie was always at an arm's length. I guess she didn't really want me. But enough about that. let's talk about me, and my faults.

my fault is that I have had a bad time writing essays. This goes back to my undergraduate days. I got most of my MA marks; most of them are just bare passes; in undergraduate degree terms, they are all 2:ii. In school I was always the C-student. What is the C-student? The C-studnet is the one people say could always do better, or the person who did their best and their natural ability was average at best. The person who is average, normal, regular, standard. In British society excellence comes as standard in good universities. Good jobs go to those with good degrees and good marks.

My fault is that I lack clarity and I fail to convey myself. My fault is that I am not humble enough. Today I have been broken as a man. Broken as a boy; made to be inhuman again. In a way, I come to expect this. To expect the struggles of life; just as Sisyphus pushes the boulder up the hill, must it come down again.

Antonia taught me about this kooky new-age thing, called affirmations. I like it. Sometimes, when you are so distraught; so depressed, so broken. The hardest thing to do, is to think positive. To say I can do it. To say I will survive. We are going to make it. Say it confidently, say it clearly, not weakly. Say it strong, say it loud. Say it tall, say it proud.


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

...the biggest crash in my life

just got an email now.

saying that I failed a unit in my MA

I have calmed down a little, but am still distressed right now.

I am struggling to keep calm.God help me. I am in a bad position to do a PhD.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


Do I talk too much?

I mean like, do I talk so much that I interrupt people and don't allow them to talk?

That's what my friend did in that certain university society...I remember him being very inaccessible as a PhD student. Am I turning into him? I certainly hope not.

Need to be more aware. More sensitive.

stepped out of the fire, tripped into the acid bath

Trigger: marie update on facebook mini feed.

says she is now single.

I just don't want to know anymore. I just want not to be emotionally affected by her all the time. I don't want her to affect my feelings.

Okay, so, today I flopped the job interview. I ate, then, I felt distressed but I was fighting over it.

Now. Marie trigger.

Marie-triggers are so fucking hard to deal with.

stepped out of the fire, tripped into the acid bath

Trigger: marie update on facebook mini feed.

says she is now single.

I just don't want to know anymore. I just want not to be emotionally affected by her all the time. I don't want her to affect my feelings.

Okay, so, today I flopped the job interview. I ate, then, I felt distressed but I was fighting over it.

Now. Marie trigger.

Marie-triggers are so fucking hard to deal with.

The past couple of days

1. Nearly finished dissertation
2. Got a letter from the Benefits people saying they are processing my request (good news)
3. Got rejected from a job interview...i feel a bit down about that.

Gonna have a wank to compensate.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


I don't like when people are angry, but project it on people who weren't responsible.

makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable. I cant' ask them about it cos they will get angry back. Times like that, or if people respond to me with disapproved anger or annoyance, I just....want to not be there. Purging can help my feelings of coping then

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Antonia is angry at me for my own anger. I feel it is unhelpful to me.

I am lonely. I miss Marie, I had a bad marie trigger yesterday. Alas, I must move on, I must move forward.

erhaps the bigger problems are manifested by the smaller, immediate ones.


I feel angry about what they did to me.

I must restrict my feeling of anger.

another fault

I need to improve my ability to emphasise, instead of have my own prejudices and assumptions about how I behave and project them on others

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

stay positive

because I didn't get published.

I might just wank myself off mindlessly...orgasm and arousal is anathema to inadequacy..or at least, its a way to cope.

When I feel distressed; one thing I try to do is set a time to purge, put it off forward in the future...

Okay calm down me...its not the end of the world. Get up and keep fighting.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


a bit part of trying to work out my conditions is to accept my limitations. I am not able to do all the things I can or want to. I'd love to just rest for an hour and get up fresh. I feel like I know where the traps are on the floor, even if I'm walking blind. Learning to avoid springing the trigger. Triggers are agony.

You know...I think I actually used to have trigger experiences even before I started uni...

23 minutes of suffering

I had a pretty bad trigger. The kind that makes you want to purge. It was about marie. I still have strong feelings for her. I guess I have a lot of doubts and uncertainties and inadequacies about the whole ordeal. Why couldn't I help her? Was I not good enough?

So I tried something. Distraction, fighting.

I visualised myself (this is going to sound weird as literally it doesn't seem to make sense) just standing steadfastly, concentrating on an image of myself, holding on, struggling, fighting. I visualised it, I was wearing my most fierce outfit and I would just concentrate on that image, the unblinking, unbreakable me.

Then a little doubt slipped in; that fierce outfit is pathetic, you are pathetic, keep fighting. It didn't work. I then started to think of marie, I felt distressed, I constantly am coming to the thought , the same thought over and over again I could never have her.

Antonia taught me about affirmations. Just say how you want the world to be. State your intention of how you want the world to be, how you want your beliefs to make the world fit it. I want to move on. I uttered the phrase. I want to move on...I want to move on, from a croaky, slow and reluctant voice, the more I said it I had more confidence. I want to move on. I will move on. I'm going to move on.

Eventually the distress was lessened. Is that a success? I don't think breakdowns ever have successes, but, I did record the time in which I got over the trigger. 23 minutes. Not bad, in this world of statistics and data, cold hard facts, that's going to come useful in actually calculuating days and distrubaces

Hmm, I need bubble bath

As I got up today, I got some aromaterapy oils ffrom my collection and I had a long luxurious bath. I feel nice now. I always felt anxious about 'letting go' and relaxing in a bath...for many years.

I am willing to change. I feel improvement is coming. I feel scared of getting better in some ways, the fear of the new, I suppose.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Suicide pack

So as I was unpacking, I come across the random things of the past few years that I acquire and such. One thing that I have acquired is a suicide pill cocktail; it consists of various antidepressants and very very strong things that were prescribed to me during my darkest days. Around the time of my hospitalisation I decided to stop taking my medication, as an empirical point to say that things stopped getting worse when I stopped taking them; the aetiology (which should be fairly strong) was that stopping the meds meant things were getting better relative to them not getting worse, and the initial symptoms remained.

The suicide pack is a relic of the past...will I ever use it?

New flat

There are lots of nice things about my new flat;

1. It is near the catholic cathederal
2. It has a piano
3. It is cheap
4. It is near uni
5. Has a nice table to arrange my computer
6. It's small and manageable (it's more of a -not-bad than a -good thing)
7. Initial impressions: nice guys who live here...all mathematicians


1. I need funding sorted out
2. I need to be accepted for PhD
3. I need to write up my Dissertation Draft

Sunday, August 31, 2008


Today, this evening, I sit, no, lie here, on this bed. There have been many times like this; most have been shameful, one of hope, where I await to leave my flat to a new one. This flat that I have lived in over the past 2 months has represented the inadequacy of giving in essays late, of not applying for a PhD, and feeling anxious and unplanned to not plan applying for funding, PhD, or finding a flat to live.

But, perhaps today, perhaps now, perhaps ongoing, that is changing. For you see; I've secured a flat in good time. I've applied for benefits, I have a disability grant coming in, and I am going to apply for the Access to Learning fund. I have shown my PhD proposal to supervisors who say they like it. I have also potentially gotten a publication, I've lost my virginity and have had sex a few times more than a single hand can count.

Last year, (which is soon becoming an outdated referent) in my third year of uni. I was very fat, I was hairy, I ate frozen tinned food, I woke up at 8pm and scoured the city or places that were open, and often I would eat Mackies double cream flavoured ice cream; I ate for comfort, I ate fried, I ate it oily, I ate it crispy, I ate it salty, I ate it cold, I ate it reduced price, I ate it in its wrapping. As I walked I remember a specific walking route, as I walked I felt anger, elation (which was fake), loneliness, bitterness, ugliness, shame, regret, and hate.

This year, I may end with a glimmer of hope, maybe, just maybe, I got a chance of making it.

Back in my undergrad days I used to go home by bus, and I used to listen to a song on my MP3 player or CD player. A song would characterise a soundtrack for me; what was my leaving soundtrack, as I left the city of university, and entered the city of home. What song was mine? I felt awkward as I returned home. A false sense of happiness, a "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" forced sense of joy and contentment covered me. To some extent I hid it even from myself.

Sometimes I hated the days as I looked into the mirror and did not recognise my face. In school we were not allowed to grow facial hair. So, to have a thick beard, and long hair was to see a face I could not know. I was jealous. Why didn't it go like I imagined; having friends at halls, going to clubs, getting drunk, having sex, meeting girls, having girlfriends, getting a driving license, getting a car, working in a pub and being cool. Having 'home friends' and 'uni friends' instead of pretending to have uni friends and those people at uni who resembled friends, pretend you were the person who existed out of date a year ago, who hadn't moved on emotionally or otherwise.

Those days are in the past. Those days are over. In a way, they used to bring me great shame. That was what I dealed with when I talked to Marie. But, now, I am moving on. Slowly, but surely. Sometimes I feel there isn't any point, isn't any point in sending an email, filling out a form, getting out of bed, standing up, walking, moving out the door, moving down the corridor, moving out of the entrance of halls, moving down the road, going down the high street, going into the shop , having the courage to talk to the vendor, tell him or her "Hi there I saw a job vacancy and I'd like to hand in a CV" (It took me many times to actually refine that line to such finesse, by the way).

Those undergraduate days are over. I used to feel inadequate because I had no friends around and didn't go clubbing. Now, I feel almost ambivalent or nonchalant about the fact that I have abandoned many of my university friends, and only have a limited circle. In a way, I've hollowed out my social life without me even knowing, preoccupied either with my academic work, my illness, or Marie.

I didn't notice, I didn't see, right now, it doesn't bother me that it happened that way, but maybe one day it will. Maybe one day I will start to see the mistakes and flaws that Marie has. That I will start to see a different person and cease to love her. I think I don't love her, or my feelings have ceased to cause as many triggers or harm or distress. But Antonia is starting to become a little bit of a trigger. What would I rather have? The safer option would perhaps be to have no female interests around me. But any friends?? I don't know.

It would be good to have stability in your life, Marie once said. Given the economy, my illness, my degree subject and finances, I don't think normality is an option. But, a little part of me knows that I'm special.


for the past couple of days i have been taking an exceptional amount of sleeping pills.

woke up from a binge of one of them just now. I feel pretty rough, but sleeping is fun. I dont sleep enough these days

antonia says its bad and she wants to call an ambulance. i dont think its bad. Its like....there isn't a problem of purging until i'm really skinny, if im still fat then its work in progress

Saturday, August 30, 2008

phone conversations

I don't want to say too much about it cos it upsets me a lot...


Phone conversations with my parents are difficult emotionally. Further to that, I must say that the way that they reacted to my weight-loss is with almost disapproval. They talk in a way as if I am going to gain the weight again...

geez; how supportive.

Okya I don't want to say any more about it cos I want to be positive

Friday, August 29, 2008

another fatism

another fatism: carrying lots of things in your pockets, or carrying too many gadgets and things 'just in case' but where you may never, or its highly unlikely that, you will actually come to need it, and so you carry more on you, emotionally, physically; where letting go would by symbolic of not onyl better character, but better body...

does bread fly?

excuse me for seeming paranoid but I believe I have good reason to suspect something odd

I went to put my microwaveable burgers in the microwave. Okay fine.

I went to my room to wait for them to heat up and ate a couple of packets of crisp inthe time waiting.

As I came back, I opened the microwave door, and found two of the burger buns scrunched up and thrown onto the outside of the plate. My first thought was; maybe I left it in for too long and something happened like when food splashes and spits up on the microwave (which happens often for liquid food). But, on closer thought, that seems less and less likely. There was a distinct dug out hole in one bun, and two of the buns were perfectly in tact.

I don't want to suspect malice, but I feel I am forced to. Unless bread can fly in a microwave; these flatmates don't like me or are expressing disdain, my food is being distinctly missing and I am not imagining that I bought these products that I lost, as I have a receipt.

What is going on?

I am only here for at least the next couple of days, so...I'll get over it.

I'm willing to forgive, cos I also am guilty for bad things in this flat...its not as bad as what these people are doing to me (except in intent), so I feel a compensatory reasoning to apply here. Namely, I will compensate emotionally for the feeling of violation of what they are doing to me, to cope with this, I will think about how much I have gained and benefitted here.

I also tore up one of their cheques and used up some of their mail and tore it up.

Soon I will be out of this flat and my muslim housemates cannot hurt me anymore...

In positive news: (to reaffirm and feel positive), I applied for the disability living allowance, and sent off a job CV.

And its' only 11:30

Smiles ahoy

An anxiety trigger

Thinking about if I got Antonia pregnant at that one time the condom didn't work...


I've applied for disability allowance from the government. I mean, that's like benefits, but I'm trying to rationalise that I'm not a benefits cheat. I am actually disabled, and it does affect my daily life, and my self-support.

Also, i am in need of it to be more self-sufficient and I am applying for a PhD...

Today I'll try to smile.

Also, I applied online and I forgot to finalise the thing, I applied ages ago but forgot to like, um, how do you say, actually SUBMIT the application.

Today is positive...hopefully I'm eligible for government support (as well as my disability student allowance....) now all I need is to apply for Access to Learning Fund and PhD...

Now I have work to do!

Every step is a step forward.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

More theivery!

The flatmates of mine in this international student hostel are increasingly taking my food. I put most of my food in my room (as I've stated in a previous post) and now they have took my loaf of sainsbury's basics bread. That's low, man, I mean, that's pitifully low. Most people in the flat aren't students but international visitors or interns or both. I find a strange sense of xenophobia brewing insofar as these people never talk to me and are talking in their native language all the time (which is, for many, socially rude) in front of me and now, stealing my food?

I feel almost more pity than hate, despite that, I am quite pissed off.

Monday, August 25, 2008

am i attractive?

I'm sorry to be flippant.

That's the ultimate question.

Am I beautiful?
Am I special?

Am I...worthy

Am I good enough?

I feel so worthless, the way they treated me in hospital, was like I had no worth, no rights, no humanity. I feel that when people think good things of me, that maybe I am human...

Security risks

In response to my loss of food; I just put all of my food in my room; with the exception of a few articles; this shall be a test if they really are taking my stuff. I have left a definate quantity of food. That, if they take, i will have certainty that they took.

That, and it helps to pack up as i'm moving out next week...

Why I am not paranoid

Okay. I have a distinct feeling that my flatmates are stealing food from me.

1. Every time I buy milk and put it in the fridge, it goes away the next day; with no trace
2. Every time I have bought chocolate mousse, and a caramel-chocolate type desert from sainsburys, it gets missing
3. I have found 3 items of food from my pantry taken; two ramen noodle packets and some chocolate, both taken, and both found in the bin right next to it

This seems petty. I am feeling a bit of anger, but also, I feel that maybe I should be more charitable...

Sunday, August 24, 2008


I used to buy clothes that were big because I was afraid tigfht clothes would make me look fat and add to my inadeuqacy

I would buy clothes to hide my fat. Bigger sizes, bigger clothes to hide my curves.

Whyen I started purging, I bought clothes, kept small articles of clothing...or so I thought of 'small'. So that one day when I found it, I wore and it would fit. I am wearing some tight trousers as I am packing for my new flat...I find that they are fitting, but painful; they are still tight. I still have work to do.

The news about antonia is very upsetting for me right now. I am avoiding the want to purge. Why am I not purging? That's the big question that I can't answer. I can't find an answer; but I feel I will try to fight this in other ways. I'll go to the gym, for one...

well at least I haven't eaten anything....

got a text message from Antonia.

"I think I found my true love. He's an astronomer and goes surfing."

Well. I just woke up, feel like shit.

But at least I have an empty stomach....so purging is quite redundant

Friday, August 22, 2008


one flaw i have is being too naive and trusting.

was i too naive about marie?

I don't like where this is leading me.

This situation is hard right now.


i was thinking.

purging is compensation behaviour.

Me (inadequate)
life (desperate)

response: purging

Somehow purging is to make it better; even if indirectly

the son rises

tried to tell my parents about all the stuff going on.

they didn't want to hear it.

Not only they, they express disapproval.

why doesn't anyone want me to hve a phd?
tried to tell my parents about all the stuff going on.

they didn't want to hear it.

Not only they, they express disapproval.

why doesn't anyone want me to hve a phd?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

P(lace is) h(ar)D

My situation:

I'm applying for a PhD. (That's the ultimate goal)


I need to find a place to live if I get a PhD
I don't know if I get in
I don't have the money to pay for rent...yet

Money? get a job, right?

Sending applications
No reply
Not sure if I can work cos I'm feeling very ill, anxious, depressed, tired, distressed
Even if I get a job, it may not necessarily be enough to support myself to study

Issues with working: Part time or ful time?
Full time...enough money, not enough time or energy to make a doctoral degree...
Part time...maybe enough money, maybe not
Part time...similar, but not as bad problem with having enough time and energy to do both
Time and energy is not something I have
Still not heard from applications
I don't think I'll be good for a job anyway

I don't want to say any more about this anymore...I mean I want to like express this, so that I can find some way to cope.

In the process of typing up this post. I went to the toilet and purged. I purged milk. The fat separated from the rest of it so there were lots of white lumps, it also went over my brand new corduroy trousers...its pretty undignified...

i can't cope

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Many tasks expend an amount of physical, and emotional energy; such that if i use up all my energy; or attention on a task, I'm totally spend for a day...

I have to recognise that I have a limited range of things I can do in the day.

I know I have the necessaries at times; paying bills, for instance, finding a flat...

But sometimes those things I expend too much energy on, and then...don't get my ACADEMIC work done.

So I formulated something called the Conatus units (C-units henceforth known).

Every day I learn and negotiate with myself; learn how much I can do before I reach my limit, learn what sort of things are expensive to 'buy' in a day, and I negotiate how to work aboud these things without everything getting on top of me.

I feel that 3 Conatus (don't forget, Conatus means striving) units is the amount I should try to reach every day.

I feel like...that's enough as a safe limit before I get distressed.

Today...i did 7 conatus points.

Phonecalls: 3 conatus
Emailing on gumtree: 1 conatus
Emailing on university website accomodation directory: 1 conatus
Making a fuss about not getting my deposit at the estate agent: 1 conatus
Giving in my CV's to job applications: 1 conatus (sometimes 2 conatus)
Laundry: 1 conatus

What makes a conatus unit

Things are difficult for me by the amount of movement needed for a task; the amount of unfamiliar adaptation to a situation (particularly conversation on the phone, or emailing). Sustaining concentration; sustaining attention (which differs from concentration) for an extended period of time.

Yeah I'm fucking jealous

Arsehole guy in grad school; with his effeminate I don't care attitude, never doing any reading and basically siphoning off people's knowledge instead of doing the hard read, has gotten a PhD Studentship...

It upsets me cos I decided not to take it.


Because although it was related to some of my areas. I thought, my heart was more into another different area. But I could have 'sold out' and did the studentship and research project to be all cool and its a fashionable project and prestigious.

This guy...I don't like him. He just seems so full of shit and has no effort; and he is very fickle, saying he will do stuff and loses interest sooner after that.

Yeah, i'm jealous cos I am not doing so good about finding a flat to live in, getting a job. I think I am too ill to get a job.

And my Dissertation is not done at all.

But, its not a good idea to make this complaint external to me.

Its my problem and situation that I need to deal with, it doesn't help my situation to just bitch about him.

But it helps to vent.

My next post may be on the C system I am formulating

saying something flippant

I told marie about the incarceration so frankly...its way too intimate to repeat it all in a sentence.

Here's something else flippant: I have blisters on my fingers from using them to put down my throat to throw up and the regularity of it is taking its toll on my skin

Thus it is demonstrated.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Emotional weight

I've found, that when I have the strenght to do something; that is possibly the best, and more importantly, the ONLY time I am able to do it. For me, given my anxiety, exhaustion, triggers and depression; it quite literally is carpe diem or bust for me.

I have this disability mentor and she used to say; to arrange few tasks that are manageable in the day, rather than big tasks that are impossible to do and discouraging cos they are all at once.

Further to that. I only have enough strength in me to carry out a limited number of tasks and then I am all spent. This is not just physically but emotionally.

I find it difficult emotionally to send an email. to initiate contact.

So: emotionally heavy (and anxiety-bringing) emails of late are:

i. Asking for a job
ii. Asking about housing
iii. Asking about things relating to PhD application...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Applying to Monty Hall

That's a phrase that the guy said. I hope we are not wasting your time. I went to a viewing today.

Didn't get it.

But; I'm trying to be positive.

Today I went to view a flat that I wanted to live in. Also, got a reply from a job application

Didn't get either of them. Kind of feel sad about that....cos It took my a lot of effort to get out of bed today and go to the viewing

The positive thing is...

it's all probability.

In studies of probability there is a thing called the monty hall problem:

Imagine a game show, where you are given three boxes; two have nothing in it; one of them has a prize. The likelyhood is 1/3 to get the prize. You pick a box, one of the boxes is shown NOT to have the prize. So, if you change your box; you get a 1/2 chance of getting the prize. But....if you keep going and stick with your current box; you get 1/3 because you picked originally one of three...but, one is removed; so the knowledge you have is 1/3 + 1/3 because you have new information.

So sticking through with the box you have and keep going...gets you 2/3 instead of changing your mind and getting 1/2.

That's my positive...if I keep going, I'm gonna get lucky

I'm gonna be positive...i'm crying right now and i'm sad...but one more rejection means one less rejection until I get the place I can live in, till I get the job I can work in...

I hope I get into my PhD programme

pep talk

I am sending lots of applications for flats to live in after the tenancy ends this month
I am sending lots of job applications...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i'm only going to tell you this....and no one else

I've applied for state benefits.

A Disability Living Allowance; which will add to my Disability Student Allowance.

I hope i get it; it will mean I will have more money to support my student life...and live.

I really want this.

Am I scrounging off the state? There is an apparent stigma about claiming benefits; saying that they are single mothers who are evil and draining the state...

Am I draining the state? I do know this....they are gonna save my life and make it better if this happens.

That's the proper role of government, is it not?

Now, I need to justify my worth to British society. Oh I feel proud to be British (well british asian...)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

vote of no confidence

my parents don't really support my PhD

they don't even know what a PhD is...

it feels like a vote of no confidence (like the one with Moriarty) from my family

they used to think my interest in the piano was just a hobby

this upsets me so much that I can't say anything about these feelings beside these empty skeletal words

Friday, August 15, 2008

not talking

you know, minus MSN conversations with certain people; I hardly talk to anyone.

I hardly talk to anyone, and even the people i do; they don't know me intimately.

And you know what?

Im not even sure that bothers me.

it used to; i used to feel really depressed in my first year of uni, cos I spent days not talking to anyone and feeling isolated.

Not to say I am any happier; but, I guess in a way i've accepted it; but i have new problems now. New things to distress me; for instance, i just purged...but like...there wasn't any food in me. It was just a fucking energy drink that i had after leaving the gym that i purged.

That and acid, got to love the acid.

acid purge...a dry heave one may call it.
i need someone to talk to.

is anyone out there??

I can't cope

almost a good day....almost

so, the stucture of my day goes something like this....

Edit paper for a journal to submit.
take a break to eat
feel tired, go to sleep for a while,
wake up...

as i wake; I hear news from moriarty, and marie of such nature to distress me.

I almost felt good about myself today....almost

Now I'm gonna purge.
It's almost unfortunate, it's almost sad.

I felt a sense of achievement today, I felt positive and going to move forward.

so today, I ate two bananas and beans & toast.

hopefully I still have it inside me. I feel quite distressed, to put my finger lightly on it.

just thinking about drinking lots of water, going on my knees, and purging...is a comfort. To actually do it, is the only thing I have.

Come on, it was just a blip of a bad feeling I am having. Purge, then you will feel better...
Oh God, I feel so out of control I can't grab hold onto anything..

Fucking moriarty......I want to scream.