Friday, February 27, 2009

tight lipped

I woke up fairly well, listening to Gok Wan (I originally typed it ending with a 'k') on radio 4 talking about his favourite music.

Today is the big day of the interview. I did my ritual shave (after having a big poo) and I cut my lip shaving. The pain was wholly forgettable I was just amused at how it was a bad time to cut my face, being the day of the interview. I have about an hour and a bit to get ready. I might have a wank, look up the company, and then print off a CV, get my clothes on.

I feel a little calm, although I feel like if I actually think about it then I'll get scared. Just imagine you are going to get rejected on the basis of your hair and it will be all right.

In other news, I really hope I get into university again....

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm forcing myself to blog at the moment

Today I have come back from seeing Antonia. I had supported her at a big community meeting of which she is a member of the leading committee. I have had two aforementioned interview calls for tomorrow. I was considering that I would not go to one of them, but I'll give it a chance anyway. After shopping at primark for a dress shirt, chinos and well-needed underpants (I have now thrown out the really dirty pants), I had a meal at burger king [naughty, i know].

I bumped into a friend that I knew from the ADC. She told me that the members of the comittee would really be happy to see me again. I feel ashamed of my life at the moment and I don't think I want to see them right now. What will I tell them? I spent the last few months living off my parent's handouts, failed to get into three universities, spend most of my day wanking and only until recently I am making an effort to sort out my life? Avoidance would be better than either lying or telling the truth. I get all weird when I'm put on the spot, my voice changes and I have a more breathy and defensive kind of tone.

Tomorrow is the big interview(s). Luckily both are not too far from me, not-so luckily, both are within an hour of each other so I must hurry.

Reminders to myself:

1. Polish shoes
2. Put off your phone
3. Print off two copies of your non-academic CV and store them in a well-mannered way.
4. (send off your CV to that pub in the posh part of town)

Things that worry me at the moment:

1. Council tax claim form: I need three of my housemates to volunteer to put information down to help my claim. I'm scared of asking, especially since some of the details are a bit sensitive and it would be weird asking them.
2. Job
3. Life and my future as a whole
4. Social life - who are my friends, and that I must hide from everyone
5. Getting into university

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I've been informed just now that I have another interview

oddly enough I'm being recruited for advertising roles.

I think, like how I used to not be ready for a girlfriend, I am not quite ready to get a job. I'll go to the interview though, but I'm fucking scared.

Part of me feels that, as a university graduate with a 2:i from a top 10 university, with a postgraduate Masters, I am somewhat employable. I feel shit-scared.

Lowest of the low?

I love the welfare state in principle, I like the notion of a national health service (despite how I was treated).

I finished my benefits application form. I really need this right now, it assures me that things will be okay if I keep fighting on.

[I realised that I didn't put up this blog post because just an hour later after I finished this I got a call for a job interview!]

Monday, February 23, 2009

Another rejection

I have felt rexceptionally drained after calling the city council about my council tax benefit application. So I had a 2-3 hour nap, sleeping in bed. I've not had a nap like that in a long time. So I got up, had a wank, and then I recieved (it was in my junk email box, oddly enough) another rejection from Birkbeck College. Part of me knew it to be so. Part of me knows, a growing part of me knows that my PhD dreams won't happen with these 4 applications. I'm shocked. My motivation has been low and it was a bit hard waking up today.

On the plus side, I've lost 4lbs since I last checked, and at least I had a shave today.

I feel so defeated, I don't really see the hope right now, although there is a little part of me that shines brightly. I'm so desperate for things to work, I feel like they are going to tell me that I wasted a year of my life. If I accept that then I will accept a big sense of defeat onto my life. The moment that marked this period in my life was when I discovered that I failed an essay just before I finished my Dissertation.

There was a powerful sense of distress, panic, hopelessness: I have two more applications, but, I'm not going to invest my hopes on them anymore; it hurts a lot. My UCL application I expect it not to be accepted, and I suppose I have another week until KCL rejects me. I was the first to be filtered out if they didn't let me know.

What do I do now? I am going to look at the next most immediate tasks of the day. Tidy my bed, put up my laptop on the laptop stand instead of my lap, tidy my room. Maybe I'll go to sleep early if this distress is too much. I have at least another 3-4 hours until slumber. I still have tasks on my to-do list. I have to power through this period of my life and find answers, find solutions. All I have is that right now. I'm going to make myself anew today, right now. I close my eyes because I do not want to look at the world, look at myself. I might go for a jog in a moment.


The word that people hate. I'm applying for benefits as my job applications aren't going so well, and I am trying my best to make things work. Also, its a roundabout way of applying for council tax help.

I just want things to work out. I'll be glad if I can get benefits. I just want my life to be sorted out. I feel so desperate and I want to overcome the despair.


im egotistical. despite whatever admission to the contrary, I have a propensity to wanting to be, or ending up being, the centre of attention.

I want not to be the centre, unless for good reason.

i upset antonia today, she said she doesn't want anything to do with me. Im not sure if she meant it. Perhaps she does and i lost my girlfriend. If so, My flaws have gotten the better of me

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Defining a memory

Antonia has been hassled by an old friend from the past, someone who I notably hate (I made videos, essays and songs about it); he found said essay and is messaging her on facebook. Antonia sent me the reply. It mentioned Marie. I saw her name between two dashes marking it out on the line of the reply

- Marie -

At that moment I felt she broke a hallowed trust and understanding. Antonia brought up her very existence. I want to forget Marie, she's a plight upon my life. I wish her the best, but on the other hand, I want to be as far away from her in my life as possible. She had such an impact upon me that to this day her name echoes in all my relationships.

In a sense I have failed as a man, in another more important sense I have failed to achieve any sort of symbolic rite of passage. I feel defamed, fraudulent, weak.  Someone once told me that the only way to fail is to give up, which I have not done. I could satisfice, and do the minimal effort to realise what I want to happen, or I could pull my fingers and keep busy every day. Until just now for instance, I spent 3 minutes of writing this blog post with one foot with a sock on and the other just about to be put on, just waiting, procrastinating, feeling heavy. The effort is difficult but I must push on. Effort is my problem, that everything seems difficult to do, I know that I am slowly overcoming this, I brush my teeth almost every day, I more or less shave every day. I meticulously record data like financial transactions etc.

All of those little and seemingly obsessive things that I do are symbols of my constant struggle; the struggle of my lack of motivation. I feel such lack of motivation, such disinclination towards actions, that I must force myself to do it, I have an incentive of having it on my google calendar; it makes me feel a sense of achievement of all the things I have done in the day, so as I press 'publish' on this blog, I mark another task in my google calendar.

I am willing to change. Know me as someone who has made many mistakes, and I wish to know and correct them.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

death and ...

I have had a bit of a panic attack today. My fears had culminated in a single form. Fill your details for council tax exemption. I'm not a student anymore (quite upsetting in itself) and that means I am the sole person to pay council tax for the flat. It is a big flat so my council tax is about £1700 (already incurring discount). In a word, I'm fucked, well not fucked, but I'm panicking. I'm having that sweat from fear. I suppose the anxiety will never end, on the plus side, I think this is the worst news I can get for at least a year, this affects my credit and financial situation. An Mphil rejection hurts my pride, but I can live on albeit undignified.

A big part of me has felt broken from my PhD rejection. All that hope and desire culminating had fell short of reality. There is a small glimmer of hope, but its so small. I must keep going. On the plus side, today I made not much food. Maybe I'll have one positive to say about myself.

On the cusp of success, I lost it all. My life is really in the shitter. I deleted Marie's phone number from my memory. Maybe I'll delete her MSN chat records. I will do that now.

I feel that's the only kind of progress I can make today, if that's so, I'll take it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

5pm and its still bright

Quite a nice sight to see.

I see that the nights are getting shorter now. After thinking about  Marie a bit today (I very naughtily opened one of the messages that she sent me after deleting [but not purging] them), I remembered then the period of time in which I knew her. I lived in a flat with international students, one big 6ft chinese guy, this italian student, and a chinese couple doing a PhD.

I made a big mistake deciding to life where I am living now. I thought I was going to do a PhD. I was in a bad place. I know that moving back into my parent's place is inevitable. I feel that I've made a lot of bad decisions and I'm going to spend the rest of this year, perhaps my life (if I don't get any offers for MPhil) will be spent recovering.

I remember the place I lived was a suburb and fairly upper-middle class; leafy, quiet, residential yet studenty as well. There was a big tree next to where my window was, I saw the leaves die, I saw it on most days when I felt really depressed. I identified with that tree, and the oncoming nights, and the leaves that grew on it.

Autumn had turned into Winter almost in an indistinguishable way. Summer turned into autumn quite noticably; girls stopped wearing miniskirts and flip flops and changed into miniskirts and ugg boots, it started to become acceptable to wear blazersovercoats and so on, even though it wasn't too cold, but it was cold to wear just a shirt or single layer.

Now winter is about to end, the snow storm of two or three weeks ago is a distant memory. The buds will grow, girls will start to appear sexier, and having a wank at 6am in the brightness will be one of the guilty pleasures of mine. I'm still haunted by the memory of Marie; her presence in my life has had such an effect on me, both destructive and long-lasting.

I saw a film the other day, Beowulf, with Angelina Jolie and that cockney guy whose name I cannot remember. A lot can be said of that film, the regret and guilt of the titular character resounds to me. Marie is my secret emotional shame. I've done a bit of computer tasking today, fixing lots of things. I think I'm going to go off for a run. I am also tempted by beautiful ice cream.

task one of the day

yesterday I didn't get much done because I was a bit upset.  I woke up today a bit late, as usual (a bad new habit). Yesterday I bought a used computer game instead of buy some haagen daaz. I purchased Baldur's Gate from a local charity shop.

One thing I'm doing at the moment is deleting email from my account. I have used a few search terms:

1. Emails from the online support group that I run (for confidentiality and space saving - my email record is 2-3 gb long)
2. Search term with Marie's name.

One way of coping with Marie's abandoning is to slowly cut out ever part or memory or reminder of her. I shall do what Antonia often calls a 'cord-cutting'.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tactical decisions

Tactical decision 1: in hindsight it might have immediate short term benefits not to go to graduation. I lost my job and got an MPhil rejection both in the same week (not to mention a council tax financial problem)

Tactical decision 2: I have been comfort eating a lot, that is, eating to get pleasure or avoidance of my problems. I decided not to drink last night. I think that tonight I shall decide not to drink either. I'll just keep this cider unopened in the bottle (I also have 2liters of piss in another cider bottle, they both look similar)

How I know I am depressed:

1. I have been masturbating a lot for long periods of time
2. I eat haagen daaz every day
3. I drink a lot
4. Its hard to do the regular things like brush teeth and shave
5. I'm putting down tasks a lot in google calendar -it's a mixed positive, it means I need it as a crutch to do things.


I've receieved my second rejection.

I sent 5 applications.

2 rejections.

I'm just still, in shock. Especially cos I've only been awake for 20 minutes. I have a slightly overwhelming feeling that my life is getting pretty bad. Day by day there is something to dread about and the white light that I was hoping for in the distance is slowly becoming unrealisable. If I cry now, could it make things better?

What do I do today? I have a not unreasonable feeling that my grades were so bad that I would not actually get into any graduate school.

I can't keep going on being slightly hopeful. You might say its only one rejection, or it's only another rejection.

I've fucked it

 I've fucked up my life.

If only....that's the one phrase that my teahers back in school warned us against. Never say If Only.....

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Negative feelings

I'm looking through one of my former MA cohort's pictures from her graduation and it makes me feel somewhat upset. It looked like a good day, it looked like a day that I would have been conferred with those special powers of being a Master. I'm glad its night time cos at least I can lay in bed. Today I applied for four more jobs.

I also feel a bit anxious because my housemate had announced that there will be a 'house meeting' about the mess in the house. I hope they don't put me on the spot or that I'll get into any trouble. I might be accused of stealing some food accidently, they made me feel bad about the dishes, where it is actually me who spends 15 minutes putting them up into the cupboards and the dishwasher.

I think I will avoid the alcohol tonight. I think I need to accept this feeling today, because hiding from my problems won't take them away. I'll confront them, and maybe I'll actually have an early night. Although that in itself seems a bit of a dread on account of if I get up early it will mean having more busy-ness in applying for jobs!

I'll try and be positive, failing that, I'll wank.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Congratulations (A futureme email)

I woke up at 11:30, listening to the Flintstones in the room next door. I felt a bit depressed hearing that, because it reminded me of Antonia's daughter and the morning we spent together watching children's TV including the Flintstones.

The current time is 14:15, Graduation doors opened 15 minutes ago, and shall start in 15 minutes.I am at a house where I can physically see the building where graduation would take place, although some buildings are in the way, I can distinctly see the roof of the mighty building, also a bit of Senate house, and the satellite from the physics building. How it is a world so distant from me, yet visible only slightly, is very much my situation now.

I'm currently listening to the emo band (Paramore), not cos I want to be emo, but it was on my listening list and when I'm feeling low I don't pay much attention to my listening list. I am today, as a positive gesture, I just shaved (shaving used to be really difficult as a day-to-day task), I also brushed my teeth (that still is not a regular task). I'm weaing a dress shirt over a white shirt, and now I'm doing some job applications, I have a few that I could complete, I feel, however, that it is all futile. I shall just go through the motions and once I have done enough, I will console myself with cheap cider, maybe a big jog, and Command and Conquer Generals.

Today is an important, symbolic day, although for me it just seems to be tuesday, doing things after being so tired from Monday's morning.

I'm not proud, but on the other hand, I'm not embarrassed. I thought I would have a great day of pride on my graduation, I was looking forward to this day since I was 17-18. I'm not quite there yet. I must keep going with my life, My life feels very long and I wish it would get better. I'm trying my best not to make it worse.

To life, to our dreams: to FutureMe...

Monday, February 16, 2009

reflections on letter of dismissal

the email I recieved from my tutee was very polite, friendly and mature. I respect that, I respect her and clearly she respects me.

Though now I'm without a job, I'm in need of sorting out my life.

my cock still smells like antonia, which is nice

(frantic talking)


There are so many ways to start a post but really I'll just dive into it, I have no idea what I'm going to say so this is doing to be what one guy in Grad school refered to as a brain dump.

I have come back from seeing Antonia and her daughter this valentines, we had some good times but then some difficult things happened with her over the weekend and I was trying to be supportive for her and then I was upset because on the friday before I left I had found out that I have a problem with my current tenancy because I am no longer a registered student I have to pay council tax and I really don't have much money besides handouts from my parents and I feel quite anxious about that. I feel that I am more emotionally equipped to face this situation although I was really quite vulnerable and scared last night. Sometimes I feel so distressed that I feel better by not telling people about it , because if I tell people I open up and I come to realise how much more of a calamity I am in.

Lost of other things can be said of the weekend. I spent my spare time at Antonia's playing command and conquer to overcome the anxiety, it helped. I also gave her one of my two teddy bears. Sentimentality call it,  it was an emotional and symbolic gift. That teddy that I gave her was a gift given to me by a previous girl who actually made it for me. Thee idea initially was that she would give it to me and the next time we would meet I would give it back (it was a good bye and see you again-type gesture).

If I was actually talking this post would be like me talking really fast to give a zeitgesit of the past few days. Since I was away from my computer for almost all of the time, I need to put in my stuff that I need to do for the weekend and the coming days, especially concerning the council tax situation.

A further thing, just as I came back into the house and set up my laptop, shaved, brushed my teeth (oh yeah, I lost a big chunk of my remaining tooth [the bulimia tooth] on sunday, I am keeping it in a chewing gum tin that I bought from the overpriced starbucks).

I also got 'fired' from my job as a tutor. 'Let go' is also another term. She did so on amicable terms.  Apparently, the school that she goes to (a very posh private school) said they will provide her with extra curricular help with any classes, thus, the teachers said that there was no need for a tutor (ie. me).

Well, it was nice having a first job, I also earned about £24 or so. At least I can now say that I have had a job. Something for the CV...

The first thing I asked myself was: are you upset?

I don't think I'm upset, unless it seeps in later when I get really depressed and there aren't any cheese balls or snacks left in the house (which currently, there are). I think I have settled down into my seat now after 1.5 hours of travelling. Time to get to it.

I have a difficult situation ahead of me, so I'm going to get to it.

Ta ta

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The second day of nothing

Monday, and Wednesday.

I didn't do much on either days.

I have many bad memories of the everlasting tomorrow when I would actually sort out my life. I need to break out of that cycle before I even get into it. I don't need negative things in my life (I have enough).

More and more I come to the realisation that with the exception of my girlfriend, I don't really have any friends, or circles, or people I really talk to. I'm quite chummy with a housemate, which is nice; but I need to have more in life.

I'm trying my best.

THe acheivements of my past 24 hours are:

1. I signed up to Guardian jobs and put up a CV and put a shortlist of jobs up
2. I finally sorted out my degree transcript situation

I need more valerian tincture.

On thing I haven't mentioned (I suppose that very fact is a testament to my ambivalence/focal importance of it) is that I'm having my first proper valentines. I'm going to a chinese restaurant with Antonia, she's been making a fuss about what to wear. I'm a valentine's day cynic, but I don't mind having an excuse to cuddle up to my girlfriend, have a laugh, and enjoy life in the best way I can with her.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

David (2)

Some time has passed since posting my previous thing on David.

I found his blog, that he still writes. There is a sense in which I can see my influences on him, I however, see the independent person I see in him. I also remember the things that made me distance myself from him. His constant undermining, his degrading of anything I liked or did. Its a mixed bag. I'll just have to accept the loss of his friendship with not hearing from his negativity anymore.

Although I do accept some of his criticism. Depressed people can be annoying sometimes. Myself being the depressive


My friend David from my undergrad and postgraduate days, is perhaps my most difficult moment. I abandoned him, I ceased talking to him, I blocked him on facebook and MSN.

In my first year, I didn't make many new friends at uni, I put up an ad looking for someone to live with, I found David, he was doing half of my degree course (I was joint honours). David and I not only sat in the same lectures, but we shared a mindset. I was very much alone, not many friends, isolated, not very successful with the ladies. We were like KG and JB from Tenacious D (an analogy he might have liked).

In my second year we shared a flat with Greg. My anxiety and depression was pretty bad in those times. Another thing to note was that he knew that I used to retch every morning (due to the anxiety). We chatted on msn late into the night. He was almost always on.

Yo, was his first word when we messaged.

David wore a denim jacket which was very faded, he was quite overweight, at one point we were both similar weight, he loved poker, always gambled and played online games, pissing about on forums, listening to indie music, sending me links, we shared an interest in amusing videos on the internet.

I miss him dearly.

I decided not to talk to him so much anymore. I cut out a lot of people from my life, and I have limited my circles... Sometimes you do things in anger and at the time it feels really right, like throwing something on the floor or other such gestures, but eventually you have to pick up the pieces.

The story of my life since I finished my dissertation and my masters, you might say, is rebuilding my life. I regret what I did over the past few years, I'm ashamed of my actions and how I have ended up.

Tomorrow I shall get some more tasks done, maybe finish off an application.

I feel incredibly lost, in limbo. If I close my eyes I let the darkness consume me, I'm doing my very best to fight it. Marie, when I first knew her, told me of how she was enclosed and enveloped in the darkness, I think that she wanted to jump in, she didn't want to fight.

Right now I close my eyes, but to slumber, or to be consumed by regret?

Monday, February 9, 2009

25 things about me

I thought I'd join in the craze, being self indulgent and also I am not feeling too good today and am trying to do things other than just wank and lay in bed. This is a recent facebook craze, to tag people in your friend list and tell them 25 things about you, such that they might do the same to some other friends:

Here are my ones

1. In my college days I got 100% for a significant number of my exams during 'A' level, if it wasn't 100% it was often over 90%

2. I played a piano recital in 2004

3. I had published two articles in the student newspaper

4. I used to be a news writer for the university radio station

5. I have given a newspaper interview and a radio interview relating to my mental health history

6. I created and run a support group on facebook about depression

7. I have a masters degree and bachelor's degree from a top 15 (sometimes top 10) Russell and Coimbra Group UK university

8. I had a poem published when I was 15 about the September 11th Bombings

9. I was a senior prefect back in college, I was senior librarian, part of the last cohort of prefects in the last year of my Headmaster's term of his job. Afterwards he became the most senior religious official of his group in the country, and our year is the one he remembers most (due to a tragic death)

10. I have given two conference papers and one postgraduate seminar on my work.

11. My brother is in an indie band, indie because it is signed to an independent label, he was once on a music reality TV show playing with his band (which he wasn't happy about after it happened), and he has a music video that has come out recently

12. I'm finding it difficult to say thing about me that are really special and unique so I'll say random things: I have been diagnosed with depression when I was 18, after increasingly I felt emotional difficulties and problems coping with life in my first year of university.

13. I have a wonderful girlfriend, she's a bit older than me and she has an adorable daughter

14. I lost a bit of weight from my bulimia but I find myself more attractive than I used to be and I don't blame the past or keep referring to previous things in my life all the time, I accept my situation and try to change things. Some days (like today) I fall short and don't get much done.

15. I live on google calendar to mark, record, and plan my days, and life

16. I also live on Zotero to blog, blogging is my way of procrastinating productively, I feel a lot, I experience a lot, and I have lots of memories, thoughts and academic preambles, whenever I have a thought in my head that I could write about for some lenght, I blog about it.

17. I have started to jog as a new years resolution. I am trying to lose weight and get fit, rather than jsut lose weight and not be healthy in terms of my diet, attitude and fitness.

18. I find that I am going through these 25 points faster when I say personal things. Okay, I have two teddy bears, one I won at a cruise ship on the way to Germany when I was about 9-10, and one little one that a girl I know made for me.

19. I masturbate a lot, some days are unproductive due to elongated masturbating

20. Sometimes when I confront how my life has ended up (by comparing my situation to other people), I cry. I have a lot to cry about, but on the other hand, I have a lot in my life that I appreciate and I feel very glad and appreciative for. I feel I am always on a path to progress, and one day I will reach some kind of personal peak or ideal. I have always seen it that way.

21. Sometimes the things you don't mention are the things you want to forget, and its okay to forget, I think, cos it gives you power and control over your feelings and your reaction to those events, persons, or things.

22. I have a bent up cornea and I am practically blind in one eye (I need to have surgery but I never ended up booking it)

23. I feel very isolated among my peers and my family and friends. Sometimes there are things they don't appreciate, or sometimes there are things that are good about me that they punish or chastise me for. Sometimes people are so ignorant that I am unable to articulate and even reflefct what their faults are.

24. I have a job as a tutor for an 'A' level kid.

25. I piss in containers because I feel too depressed to get out of my room. It all started when I was 10 and I pissed in a jar of pringles and kept it for 10 days, that was pretty grim so I walked out of the house and to the alleyway to clear it.

(26. I could have more random things to say but the name of the game is reaching 25)


estranged news

My estranged cousin has had a baby a month or two ago.

She has only a couple of months age differrence from me.

THere's nothing to say about her except:

1. After my uncle (her dad) died all of my family were estranged from his family (conflicts with the mother, I believe)
2. I have a shameful experience of saying I wanted to marry her and I kissed her when I was 3 years old. I saw the film dirty dancing and I used to think we would dance to that. I feel incredibly ashamed for being a 3 year old.

I with them the best.


I am currently just in front of the computer in a darkly lit room. Antonia came over to stay for the weekend, she's tired and sleeping right now behind me.

Two of the people whom I went to graduate school with have websites, one of them is part of this pretigious AHRC interdisciplinary project which is very eminent and very hot. Another is in a pretty pretigious (and funded) phd studentship.

I'm envious to no end. I have a lot of negative feelings welling inside me right now. Is this the end to what was a lovely weekend?

The proof is in the pudding. How do I react to this news?

I'm very jealous, I could be bitter and angry at myself, or I could savour the tender moment with Antonia (snoring behind me) and face an open future.

I'm scared.

I'm so close to losing my dream, a fate as bad as death itself?

good night. I'm going to decide how to react now.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

the computer screen of my soul

at the moment I am sending phone calls, call them nuisance calls, except they aren't responding.

A few tears fill my eyes at the moment. Going through these folders is giving me a lot of distress.

I don't know how to respond to the past.

Do I just ignore everything and forget what happened.

I am bacck in an emotional territory where I had someone to talk to in the past. I had Marie. She's gone and I'm back in that minefield. What do I do? I am well and truly alone at this moment.

I don't think I can tell Antonia...I still feel a priviledged bond to Marie, of my openness of my distress.

I look at the screen, almost as If I look at myself, I don't want to look at myself, so I try to stay away from staring directly at the screen. It is hard, right now to focus on this computer screen, looking at it as if I am looking into a mirror.

As if, I am looking into myself, I ask. What do I do? I seek within for guidance, I am supposed to be the wise one, and if I am not; how can I be wise if I don't decide now.

My decision, I feel attracted to deliberating, staying in this emotional state, of waiting, asking, introspecting, regreting, hating.

But part of me knows, it's the harder battle that is the right one to fight. I have a simple job to do. I have the job of filing my folders, and that's just what I'm going to do. Might go for a run while its still bright, as well.

british reserve

Keep a stiff upper lip and all that.

After 3 years of being labelled with depression, I think that's the advice that actually worked.

I am sorting out my general folders, these folders contain bills, transactions or any thing that was posted to me over the past two years. I have decieded after using the scanner for my transcripts, to scan my folders, there are four full folders of data.

The first task I have is to sort them into categories, the second task is to sort one category out.

I chose NHS.

Most of the documentation concerns my incarceration.

Presently I am taking them out of plastic sleeves, preparing them for scanning.

Shall I end that I did not start?

I'm thinking now.

Shall I destroy these files once I am done with them?

Lets' do things one at time. Call what I am going through a trigger, and working through the pain.

I am going back to the task at hand. I have a job to do, and emotions only get in the way.

my flaws

ivs scanned 2/3 things just now and I need to take a break cos I thought of something to list:

my flaws that I want to improve are:

1. I am selfish and do not regard the wellbeing of others
2. I am lazy and find it hard to be motivated
3. I piss in any container that I find it possible to urinate within

Pissing in containers has been an old habit since I started depressivising


one of the most important elements of music is silence

This is my pause, to save up my energies

today, I am scanining my MA transcript, my MPhil reference letter from one of my referees, and (for possible hope's sake) a reference from said referee for PhD (the application that failed)

Then I'm going to send it to a university.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Iput symbols where symbols are apt

I am subtly reminded of her.

I treated my big green jacket with a bit of awe and magic because she held me in that jacket.

I try to strip the layer of myeaning from my life, and just get on with things.

Part of me feels it is a realistic possibility that I will get rejected from all four applications I have submitted. I think one of them I have already been rejected from, why? because my requested referee has not contacted the university by email as he had been requested by both myself and the respective university have requested it.

I thought of Marie when looking at a pair of glasses on a music video, because they were just like hers.

Today I am going to busy myself. I have tutoring to do.