Saturday, May 31, 2008

Anger trigger

Too many things causing triggers today.

I've had an anger trigger. Towards Moriarty.

He said he was going to do stuff for the university society and he's done almost nothing.

That gets me angry. I don't care if its justified. I must control this feeling.

what's wrong with the world?

  1. There isn't much money in my account
  2. I don't know what my future is
  3. I'm alone
  4. My one true hope for escaping lonliness, and being understood, is leaving my life
  5. I am fat
  6. I am upstaged by Moriarty in such a way that makes me feel utterly distressed, so distressed that my body tries to defend itself, reacting by purging.
I was going to say something else, but I forgot, which leads to my next...

7. I have anxiety and bad concentration

A taxonomy of triggers

This is my first attempt to give a taxonomy of triggers:

Some triggers make me angry, conversely, anger makes me trigger

Some triggers make me feel inadequate

Some triggers make me feel outdated

Some triggers make me feel lonely

Some triggers make me feel out of breath in such a way that only a good purging can repair, I purge and purge and hope for the relief to come. As I see the two or three litres of liquid repelled from my body, I feel a slight relief. "You are going to make it", I feel. "You just need to keep going forward", I think to myself. "You have made a good step forward [referring to the purging, because purging --> weight loss --> attractive --> people think different of me --> feel better about myself], now lets make another".

Am I suffering? Is this kind of living what people call suffering? In some way I have gotten so used to a degree of suffering that I can manage; some things I can't manage are that the world is a certain way.

A lot of what I feel seems to be based on the way the world is. The way the world is, and why I don't like my next post

Walking on eggshells

Too many things make me experience triggers.

1. Things that remind me of marie
2. Things that remind me of my inadequacy compared to Moriarty
3. Food, reminds me I am fat
4. Waking up and breathing air, reminding me I am in a bit of a shit situation I need to climb out of
5. Smells, remind me of the bad times when I was in hospital, the smell of stale floor cleaner, the stale cigarette smell, the hospital smells, the hospital toilets engineered in line with political correctness to suit wheelchair users, those toilets which are modified to house wheelchair users are triggers to me. Certain faces are triggers. Seeing nurses, doctors, triggers.

My next post will attempt to talk about how triggers make me feel...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Juggling thoughts of the day

  1. Don't think about Marie, causes distress
  2. Is Marie okay? She's in a real critical situation right now
  3. I purged a lot of stuff today - after eating those fried onions, I drank loads of water and cleared myself out
  4. Need to talk to a essay tutor
  5. Need to apply to PhD
  6. Need to get work done...(big fucking time)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Feeling low

I got a few good reasons to feel good about myself today.

I'm feeling good from the whole conference thing, today I woke up really early and got a little work done. I got a fair bit, not a great amount, but more than most days. I also started reading something that I kind of wanted to do for my whole masters life is pretty academic, you see, and revolves around reading and thinking academic stuff; and this one thing would represent my coming of age.

I feel miserable. Marie told me she is almost definately going to leave. I'm almost definately never going to see her again when she does leave, and I am alone, knowing that she exists. Even if I did tell her how i felt; what am I expecting? It's not as if things are gonna be happy ever after, are they? It's not as if love solves all problems and the tender embrace and warmth of romance makes everything all good.

Let's face it. I haven't applied for a PhD yet, I am behind on my MA work, my two good friends from undergrad days have turned against me for some reason, I'm going to lose the most amazing person I have ever known, and the one way I deal with it, the one way I try to cope, try to frame it, is my weight.

I do want to purge. I have eaten only some chicken stripper thingies on the way home, a pastry from sainsbury's, a packet of crisps, some ryvita, shitload of black coffee and, if it even counts, a herbal tea.

I have eaten way too much. How am I supposed to lose weight if I keep feeling hungry. I feel so miserable telling myself no, and telling myself that I need to stop when I eat. To tell me that I have to have a limit to what I eat so I may lose weight. Saying no to food is hard. But purging will make everything has to...what else can? who else can save me from this nightmare, but mia? She gives me the strength to go on. I want to lie down in bed, and cry my eyes out. I've been on my feet for nearly 18 hours today.

I want to fade away. I'm not attractive, I'm not intelligent, I'm not confident, I'm not cool enough or free enough for Marie. I'm outdated, inferior. Fat.

just take the life from me. I hate that my stomach is full...I hate even more, that I decided not to purge today...why did I decide this?


Weighed the scales today...

I am 8lbs heavier because I am eating healthily!!!

This is a fucking joke!!!

I'm starving myself now!!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Things David ridicules me of...

1. My discussion in seminars
2. My questions in public lectures
3. My appearance (and losing weight)
4. My extra-curricular activities
5. The fact that I do extra-curricular activities
6. My aesthetic preferences
7. Being 'effeminate'


I've just been doing some reading right now,I get an e-mail from Facebook. It tells me that David has doubt the photo of me, I assumed immediately, that it wasn't me. I have not talk room for a while and purposely avoiding him. Perhaps he may be facebook-stalking me, it's quite a common phenomena, but I find it exceptionally annoying. It upsets me what he did. Yesterday I wrote a post about him and a description of me that he ascribes. It was a picture of a very upsetting thing to me. Basically, it was insinuating that I was a 90s goth.

It hurt my feelings, I de-tagged it immediately. I found this to be quite immature. I find that to be an expression of disapproval. disapproval upsets me, I dislike what he is doing to me. When he disapproves the work that I do, I find it an expression that he doesn't approve of my efforts to I have spent much time towards.

What I found even worse, the picture was insulting, the picture had a person with a knife to their wrists. Insinuations about self harm, linked to me, are hugely hugely upsetting, I find his behaviour, almost like bullying, I guess grown-ups get bullied too.

Why is he doing this to me? I guess because he has not seen me around, and it is relevant in some way, but that doesn't in itself constitute a reason. I don't like him, like his jibes at me, why does he always want to take away my confidence?

This is the second trigger today. I haven't purged today, but I have had triggers. does it entertain him that I'm upset?

Why is he so resentful?

I feel both desiring the food and yet desiring of purging. I was doing some good work today, but now was his trigger and i'm going to.

What hurts me the most is that his disapproval is tacit

Today at counselling, I was expressing that I wanted to break awway from the past and move on with my life; and that I am made to feel bad that things are changing by people like David. Because they do not move on with me? Because I now have female attention, because I get compliments and conference papers?

Let me tell you, even though things are improving; my self esteem doesn't necessarily go up accordingly. I still need to be assured objectively that things are improving. I am upset, he used to be a good friend; but he was never supportive; he just criticises me and criticises me. Not even in the constructive way.

I hate him...

I'm going to cry...I want so much to purge, but I'm also very hungry.

P.S. I hate the taste of ricecakes, I hate it.

Monday, May 26, 2008

positive #4 (news just in)

My academic submission has been accepted...I have a place delivering a paper at a conference!

Today, is a good day.

I want to say to myself "well done". I'm quite tired. I better sleep.

Spice rack

I try to be more organised these days.

Things I have bought of late:

1. Onions
2. Paprika
3. Basil
4. 6 pints of milk
5. Cereal
6. Bananas
7. Tinned tomatoes
8. Vegemince
9. Ricecakes
10. Salsa
11. (I'm phasing this out) Cottage cheese
12. Ryvita
13. Jam (to go with ryvita)

These are divided into:

1. Snacks
2. Breaktime treats
3. Dinner impliments/condiments

Let me tell you something, the sort of things I used to buy in the past were:

1. Mackies double cream ice cream
2. Ribs
3. Takeaway chinese
4. Pizza (takeaway)
5. Gravy (to drink)

I thought to myself, I might need a spice rack soon...

That very thought, suggests how much things have changed in my attitude to food.


As well as Greg, there is also a guy, David, who I lived with in my second undergraduate year. I shall have more to say about him later.

David is a guy I met in first year, we met off the internet from a uni website. He was on my course, we are now in grad school. We do go back, and we could have been best friends. When I had almost no friends, he was there. When I was failing, I always knew he was there to listen to, and talk to me about his activities, his hates, and his constant ranting about the cheap discount cheese he found in Somerfield.

My counsellor said that David, and Greg only wanted to be with me because the relationship dynamic was such that they felt good about being around someone who was doing worse off than them. I was their 'fall guy'; their guy who fucked up his life and they could be around to feel better about themselves. I was the one, in second year, who was constantly distressed (still am, for that regard), whom which they could depend on, not for emotional support, but they dpeended on the fact that they could be consoled by how my life could have been great, but I failed.

But I got out of that rut. I got out of it and now things are improving. I am also (slowly) getting rid of their effect on my life.

One thing that really gets me angry is how David says things are "Emo"; for him, Emo means homosexual, Emo means effeminate, Emo means emotional, Emo means all the things a man shouldn't be (tacitly asserted); Emo means unacceptable. Emo ascriptions include:

"Your msn picture is so emo/gay"
"His glasses are so emo"
"your jacket is so emo"
"you hair is so emo, get it cut you fuck"
"your blog post (of my other blog) was so emo"
"your shirt is so emo"
"that guy looks so emo"
"that is such an emo thing to say"

Being so out of social contact in my first year with people my own age, or people in general; I didn't know what an emo is; as a matter of clarity, I still don't. But I had no idea of the word, or its extension, until David told me:

"Emo is like a modern goth, but gay"

That's not really how i now understand emo; I understand emo by bad music, a semi-individualist ideology (similar to Goth), and a generic 'alternative' (as genre) rock style. Emo is a thing I don't want to address, cos I don't understand it, but the point of what I want to say is, for David, calling things emo was obvious disapproval; and he called me emo a lot...

I don't think I count as emo, anyway, its hard to say I am goth by a long shot as well. Although my family thinks I am a Rocker...which there are so many things wrong with that statement....but that's another peeve.

I said this would be a positive post. And the postive is...I don't want to associate with David anymore. I want not to hang around him. I want to move on with my life. This means I will have to leave him behind...with my past. This makes me slightly sad, he wasn't all bad. But for now, he's bad for me.

Three positives

Today, I woke up at 6am, I felt miserable, lonely, and yearning.

I forced myself out of bed, I asked myself something, do you remember who you used to do it for? The question relates to my (percieved) peak period of 2004, in the summer. It was for a girl. I thought to myself; could I motivate myself for Marie? No, was the answer. I may love her, but never again can I live for a girl in the way I used to.

What was it that got my up in the morning? The thought of one day being Dr. Conatus. (or, my real name, of course).

That was my dream, that is my dream, that is my future. I will grab it. Its in my grasp, waiting for me to achieve it. I've been on my feet since 6am. I have read 2 academic papers, washed my clothes, drank like 3 litres of coffee, had a shower, vacuumed my room, and did a little bit of endnote (a bibliography software) shifting to organise my work.

And it's only 11:30.

Let me talk about a couple of other things, but I'll make them into other posts...

Bye for now :)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Beliefs of mine

I believe that once I am 130lbs, I will find contentment
I believe that purging is the answer to my problems
I believe that purging is helping me
I believe that urging makes me beautiful
I believe that being attractive to others, and thin, would make the world see me differently
I believe that if people saw me in a better way, my problems would be eased; they would want to help me, they would care for me, they would listen to me, they would want to be close to me.
I believe I am physically realising the persona that I have inside me...interpret that as you may...

People's words

A friend told me that one of my colleagues from grad school introduced herself to him in a party. He asked if she knew me; I was referred to a the sweet guy with the long hair.

That's so very endearing. Especially as I don't like the girl...

I thought I was seen as a bit of a hardass, as well, I thought I wasn't liked. I still think that.

It's hard to accept compliments from others...cos its hard for me to accept me saying them about me, or thinking them about me.


I admit it. I get jealous.

Jealous things are my triggers, sometimes. So, let me give a list of what I am jealous of:

  1. More attractive guys
  2. Skinnier guys
  3. Guys who are smarter than me
  4. Guys who have female attention
  5. The guy who usurped my society
  6. Guys who hit on marie
  7. The masters students who don't like me
  8. The master's student who has a PhD place...
  9. The postgraduates who have funding (and that I don't cos its my fault)
I feel too distressed to write more on this issue right now...but this is a feeling I have with the trigger.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

'Making it'

"You are going to make it" - The words no one ever told me
"You aren't going to make it" - The words I always heard in my mind

A thought I entertain; have I made it? What does that mean? to 'make it'? Making it means that I have escaped, happy ever after, perhaps, or perhaps, I have emerged from one phase of my life into another.

I've made it in some senses, but not others. But, what senses have I made it?

I've escaped the bad times of last year; the undergraduate degree. I felt so much shame during my degree, during my graduation, a constant feeling that I could have been more, that I could have done more.
Positive 1

Yesterday, I asked Antonia for some contacts based on her profession, to help Marie. I said to Marie that I would help her with anything, so I looked up some therapists for her, and gave her some info.

Marie said, "thank you so much", followed by "you are amazing".

Perhaps I may never get much closer to her than that, but how far have I come? To be in the good favour of beautiful Marie, and to know the compassion of Antonia? How far has that moved on from where I was exactly a year ago; with the anguish, the hatred, and the obesity.

Positive 2

Today I weighed myself; I am 154.6lbs. I have about 14-16lbs left for my '140' initial target. I'm getting closer to making it to the desired weight. I have a graph of how my weight has gone down; inverse that, and you will see the degree to which my reputation has increased in the university, and among those most beautiful of angels; Marie and Antonia. They make me feel special, just by their knowing me.

Positive 3

This one is harder to articulate. I feel like I am more and more commensurating with my memories of the past; of what happened.

Perhaps my depression will continue, and indeed, I do feel quite depressed now; but I feel a little bit good just for knowing that Marie exists, and even though she is going away, I feel like I did something good.

How am I going to cope with the summer? I wish I knew....

Monday, May 19, 2008

"Just a thought"

Maybe it's a bad sign if every time Marie comes up in a conversation, or facebook updates you on her activities, you want to purge...

Just a thought...

(I feel so lost, and alone...)

As I finish up this post. I'm going off to liberate my cost me about 600kcals anyway. Progress I guess...must be thin...I feel so distressed....

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Antonia's yearning

I've started to talk to Antonia again; that's good, apparently, she seems okay with us 'breaking up'. It feels like such a long time ago. I know its quite soon, but life is quick and so fleeting. I do miss the physical intimacy, I miss her scent, I miss feeling her warm, writhe body naked, next to me, her morning air of sweat and lust arousing my nose as I set eyes on her. I enjoyed seeing her face peacefully sleeping, as I would approach her and kiss her.

All of these social rituals, like handshakes, cuddling, putting an 'x' after an email or message, and hugging a dear friend. With Marie we identified that it is so full of shit, for those who do not mean it, and it means so little for her, in moments when she wishes to express genuine sorrow or ambivalence. Such that, I would feel insulted if she ever engaged in such normal gestures with me and I may suspect she didn't know it.

Today, I made a big meal; just like yesterday. I made some fried onions battered, with some deep fried beef pieces, also battered. I purged afterwards, in a big way. I think I shall do the same now, after cooking my attempt at pancakes...

I feel like this purging and forced starvation is doing nothing for's so hard to lose weight. I am currently at 'normal' weight, and I am struggling to push down to 150, from mid 150s. I need to push past the 150, then to 140 (my original target), then 130.

Maybe in 2 months? But I struggle every day, and constantly, for something in 2 months? My patience for losing weight is little, but I feel positive about this aggressive purging. If I am slim, at least I can't say I'm fat, even if my life is getting shit in other respects. If I'm thin, maybe that will give me a positive attitude to fight on with my other problems.

Another positive: I got my driving license! It would be fun to be on the road when I am back home with my parents (and my dad's car!)

Saturday, May 17, 2008


Another thought-sicle for today...

Now I feel less angry, but more upset.

Why can't people accept me?

Why didn't the psychiatrist acknowledge I wrote a paper in a conference and presented it, he kept referring to it as a poster (a poster is in a science conference, where students put forward their work on some boring board where people walk by which is relatively unimportant); a paper by distinction from this is a presentation of my academic work before my peers, and my superiors.

Why don't my family acknowledge academia as a career? Well, lots of reasons, it's not seen as common for ethnic minorities, or among the working class, they think it is a religious vocation, and I'm going to be a priest. They think I am going to cut my hair and end up just like the rest of the human race.

Why won't the doctors who abused me recognise the superiority of philosophy? Why won't the academic world, and the AHRC recognise that what they are doing is wrong and hurting academia and philosophy departments around the country.

Why won't they accept me?

Why don't they approve of me?

Why won't they be my friend?

I feel like purging again...but all I have is coffee inside me, given that I've purged everything out already...

Presumptuous parents

Okay, one thing that I fucking hate.

Presumptuous parents; who think

  1. I'm going to not have an academic job
  2. I'm not able/going to do a PhD
  3. I am going to get fat again
  4. I am going to fail
They get me soo fucking angry!!!


Vertical and horizontal

There are two ways in which I judge how fat I am; the horizontal test (looking from the shoulders), and the vertical test (looking from my side).

Before I started purging, I could sometimes pass for not- obese by the horizontal test. But most people can pass for not looking fat. They might not have a huge waist, or a tubby face, their broadness, or some aspect of their muscularity may compensate. They may pass.

Sometimes I feel quite attractive horizontally, but I can often find reason to reject this feeling. So now, I introduce you to vertical tests; when I stand up straight (I've recently learned a new way to stand up....since my fat has gone, my overall body shape has changed in a way that my poise also may change); I can see my belly portruding. It's unacceptable.

I saw this video the other day, Kate Moss in a photoshoot or something; yeah, she's kind of old now, I know, but she has an amazing body. She had this perfectly flat belly; the kind that if you breathe out, it would hardly move, if move at all! The kind of belly where when you bend over, the skin doesn't fold. I want a perfectly smooth and tight belly like that...that will be a most certain way in which I can say I am not fat! Because my belly will be gone...

Okay, one more thought post to go...

(Just maybe, it's getting out of control...)

Today; I purged about 3-4 times. This morning, as I woke; I made a big meal; which cost me about 3 plates through the past 5 hours; and then, I purged it all.

I've started using the two fingers method. There are a lot of jokes I could make about it;

I lost lots of weight and it only involved 2 fingers!
I'm giving fatness the finger

And so on...

Why am I doing this? Of late my thoughts have been preoccupied with my appearance; but also my distress about being powerless to change the world; and powerless to effect my own life.

I think I have more to express on this issue right now; but I will do it through multiple posts, as distinct units, as distinct thoughts.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


Okay; last seminar of like the MA, ever. Afterwards, I celebrated by purging. This time, I started a new purging technique which I introduced yesterday; putting fingers to depress the tongue, and I try to go further up to my tonsils to agitate it and evoke a very powerful vomiting.

It is a good method to purge because everything comes out, and everything is forced out, as some kind of gag reflex. I only ate a breakfast bar today; there wasn't any remnant of it less than an hour after I onsumed it, because my purging was mostly liquid. I found this most peculiar.

Purging is my way to copel to cope with the calamities of life; to cope with how fucked up, how behind and immature I am, and how insufficient I am to the road to fully realising what I am. To fully realise that it is inside my nature.

who am I? What can I be? what can I hope?

These questions terrify me insofar as I feel like any answer towards what my maximal state of being would be, is far from being realised.

So; what distresses me today:

  1. Being in love with Marie, and trying to be there for her in her depression, even though she is pushing me away (as a friend); I suppose she cannot trust me, because I am a male, and males are sexual creatures who only want women for possession. I'mm scared to admit that even though I care for her and seek her wellbeing; I do also desire her.

  2. Not yet applying for a PhD; Its my own fault

  3. Other things that I want to consider my fault...not reading enough, not helping people enough, not being attractive enough, not livign to the way I could have

The distress feels so strong, yet of a strenght and shame whereby I cannot express it through a facial expression, or through words; I purged it all out.

Maybe If I purge enough i will change. Antonia did say that I have become more attractive through the purging. I would like to be beautifu. She called me her beautiful boy. I want to be a beautiful boy; I want my turn to mature. I want to grow up to be a handsome prince from the ugly frog. I want to be the swan who was once an ugly duckling. I want to be the one who grows up finally. I want to have my coming of age. I never really did a coming of age properly when I was growing up. I never had that first dance, asking a girl out, I did have a first kiss, although those circumstances were very ... odd.

When will come my time to emerge? When will come my time to grow up? When will come my time to fully realise my highest function, my highest capacity as a person? old fear is that it already came to pass (before university, when I was 'the legend')

My fear now, is that, this is the best it can ever be.

My throat hurts incredibly from the purging. I purposely purged as hard as I could, even to the point of just purging acid, to the point of spitting blood, to the point where my voice is damaged for the rest of the day, or longer. I want to damage my voice, that's a sign I have been doing a good job purging.

I need to do more to purge; I need to not eat, drink only water, and purge very ery hard to the point wherby I cannot speak, to the point where there is nothing left inside of me.

Finally, then, will my body be the full realisation of my inner states, my body expressing the pain, emptiness, deprivedness, and suffering of my mind. That would be eauty, where my physical body will be the perfect reflection of my mind; but have I not already realised that?

How may have I realised that? by means of losing weight, my broad shoulders, my long dark hair, my dress sense, my voice, my eyes, my face, my soft curves that form my face, the bone structures emerging from my ribs and the slow emerging structure that emerges from my collar that so many of those action heroes in the films have.

I want to be beautiful so that I can be wanted. I want to be wanted so I can be worthy. I want to be an academic, I want to live. I want to fully move on from that terrible moment in the past, and come to terms with a new, albeit different life, I want to accept how things are difficult and changing, and constantly be learning, yet realise that life is an evergoig process, and not something that comes through stages and definite points of realisation.

I'm gonna try and get back to some work...

I'm going to a talk later, maybe Marie will be there. Another concern that I have is that I want to purge so much that I cannot hide it anymore. Part of me wants people to know. Part of me wants to know that this world is not so strongly uncaring that they would not notice my purging. I want them to know. I want them to care, but to do that....I have to be worth caring about.

I want to close my eyes and fade into nothing. But no, I must stand up from this park bench, stop typing on my laptop, and get on with my life. This is what it is like to get out of the warm mother's womb, to wake from sleep, and get on with he day, with life. The human condition for me, is a fundamental yearning to moe out of the wom, and try to forget the perfet comfort that came from it.

Egoism about Marie

So, as, my day normally goes; I am trying to overcome a problem, and as I try to do this; another problem happens.

Marie is feeling quite depressed at the moment; she talked to me, I wanted to go visit her to make things better for her. I felt so horrified at how she was feeling. I need her to be okay...even if this means I cannot have her.

It's like a dual sense of satisfaction or criterion for happiness:

Necessary condition: Marie is alright and well
Sufficient condition: I am with Marie

The sufficient condition does not entail the necessary condition, nor does vice versa; furthermore; the sufficient condition is selfish; and the necessary condition is desire-independent, or second-order desire.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Creases are bad

There is a certain irony; if there are creases in my shirts that I wear, as I'm wearing it, it makes me look fat; yet creases are a sign that the shirt is too big.

That's why I like wearing smaller clothes. No creases. But on the other does highlight my body more; especially if I'm fat.

Today I have no desire to eat. Which is good! No food means no weight. Less weight means more attractive. Purging means improved mood, and a capacity to cope.

Why is it, then that purging seems so bad? How about the dirtiness of throwing up in the toilets in secret? How about the long term physical damage? Oh yeah...that...

Well, is it any worse than smoking? People willingly smoke, knowingly harming themselves; I am knowingly harming myself, but to the end of making me more attractive.

My friend Holly says that its attractive for guys to look healthy; overly skinny, or fat guys are not healthy looking; if I lose too much weight, she maintained, I wouldn't be attractive. Indeed, I don't want to be bony and stuff. But I want to appear robust in a tight shirt. I want to be bulging, but not fat. No belly, but I do want the 'bursting' quality of fatness. Sounds like a contradiction, right? Well, its' possible; where? you might ask....underwear models!

Yet again underwear models make me feel inadequate. Need to purge so much today because I have a dinner. I have been purging today and I have not actually eaten anything; a bottle of wine and a few litres of peppermint tea doesn't count as calorific, does it?

I have got a dinner today, and Marie might be there. My concerns are:

  1. Will it be fattening?
  2. Will Marie be there?
  3. Will I cope?
  4. Will I purge the food in the toilets afterwards?
  5. What will I wear?

Monday, May 12, 2008

I wish I could purge thoughts too...

Okay; so last night, I found out that Marie is possibly involved with someone; not only that, she may be vastly sexually different to me. Bang. Anxiety attack. Tried to purge everything inside me but I couldn't.

Couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror and loss of hope. So Marie may have been seeing someone else the whole time. Feelings of inadequacy ensure.

[scene missing]

After the horrific degradation of my soul, wherewhich I kind of felt like my whole life was over, suicide wasn't that bad an Idea; I was just too tired to commit. I felt the most horrible death of my hopes, the beliefs and desires which I held eroded, slowly, but definately, like the slow and steady eroision of my throat by stomach acid.

I can't stand these feelings. I lost Antonia, and my hope for Marie in less than 7 days. Is this possibly the worst week in my life? I'm open minded...but it's a pretty good candidate for the top 5.

THe next day; I wake up. "Ugghh", I thought, "what happened last week?"


The sound of the trigger in my mind, reminding me that I blew my brains out the night before. Fuck. Purge, sit up. Drink some water. Purge again.

What a distressing day. I talked to some friends on MSN; who were assuring me that I am a good person, and also handsome, smart, funny, and caring; their assertion that I have no reason to feel alone; because i am never alone if I am cared about.

I do have some kind friends, but their sentiments have fallen on my pained chest. The pain of my heart (literally, the organ, that is), as I throw up as if my life depended on it; the relief I feel is so brief, and so slight, but its all I have. All I have is the pleasure from purging. Today, I have been so hungry that I have eaten nothing; well, except for the kind guy at grad school offering me a lovely sweety. I have been drinking water today; just so I can purge it out.

My throat hurts quite a lot; my voice has changed for today due to the pain. Anxiety attack, or panic attack, whatever your label; it was terrifying.

I ask myself now: what do I really want out of life? What is it that I want that I would kill myself to know that I could never have it?


Love with someone so spectacular and similar to me. Love with someone so different, yet so much the same. Love with someone who gives me hope (at times), and understanding. Love with someone who fulfills me and gives me strength to go on; the temporal comfort that may not last, but its memory always will. Love, the most human and expressive activity a man or woman could engage upon. Love; the expression of oneself through a discovery of another. Love, the only thing that makes life worthwhile...

It seems like I can't have it. I could live, and maybe even be a nice guy, a pretty guy, a clever guy, a funny guy, a caring guy. But I would be fundamentally empty insofar as I would have no yearning to ever have fulfilled. I prayed for things to get better; and through purging; things have most certainly improved. But it wasn't enough. Nothing I ever do is enough. I'm not attractive enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not caring enough.

This is going to change! And here is how:

1. Purging
2. Reading more
3. Learning more about people
4. Spending more time to those who need help in the world
(in the way that I myself yearn)

I will do all of those things and be a better guy, I will do them to my death. The cherry blossom is most beautiful in bloom, shortly before its death. If I cannot have love, then, this empty goal of purging is to which I must strive.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

47 (the purging countdown)

I just purged right now; I found that I need to lose 37lbs more to lose weight.

47 is the number of my purgings going down. The number represents 1lb, for every lb I need to lose before I go down to 130 (when I weighed 180, presumably).

I must go down in weight as aggressively and fast as possible. Food is becoming swiftly irresistable, and I am finding myself quickly liking to keep the food inside me...

Today I weight myself and I got worried. Gained 14lbs...FUCK!

I wonder, after 47 more purges, will I stop?

That is the big question, the question that makes this an eating disorder or a test of determination...

I am really in the shit right now.

Another interesting thing. Projectile vomit today!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Beta blockers

Today I've started Beta Blockers. I am on a medication called Propranolol (I think its called); I think it is helping my anxiety...although the 'feeling' is still there, I don't get the panic feeling of all the day coming as physical effects, the shortness of breath, the loss of concentration, the heart rate going up, and most of all, the feeling of purging goes away with these new drugs...although its only for 3 hours, and I am taking like 5 a day. This shows itself to be a very helpful drug.

I'm kind of angry. I'm angry that it does work. This may surprise you, and it surprises me to admit it. It surprises me that I am admitting this. Why am I angry that the anxiety medication is working?

If the anxiety medication is helping, then things can get better.
If the anxiety medication is helping, then the doctors can help me
If the anxiety medication is helping, then I can improve my life

I'm so stuck in this moment of life where I have the following feeligns so deeply embedded in me:

a. I hate the doctors
b. Life is not going to improve
c. I feel miserable

I'm not used to changes in environment. Even less used to improvement. A lot of my thoughts of late are coming to terms with my new body, but now...a new mind?

I'm scared. I'm scared what this future will mean. Will my depression end? Will everything be alright? Will all my beliefs and pessimism go away? I mean, if that happens maybe that's a good thing, I'm just scared and uncertain of change. Like how things change about Marie going away...

My shoulder combover

Before mia came to town, I used to like my shoulders. My shoulders are, or were, quite broad, make me look like a muscle man, if I just hid enough of my belly. I was quite wide, but not in the obvious fat way. I was in a position where I was fat, but I could just about hide it. Or at least...that's what I thought. I thought that I could hide my being fat by emphasising the shoulders. So, I'd make that my combover.

I think sometimes my 'positives' are really quite deceptive, just lies to make myself feel better than I deserve to. Face it, I was fat then. My shoulders were large, but so was the rest of me. I had a fear of whether I might lose my big shoulders, but on the other hand, that might have been a false positive that I wanted to just hold on to to stop my new belief and ritual purging to occur.

I see my own faults represented in other people, just not so often, do I realise their faults are my own...

Afraid of committment? Me?!

Antonia has been ignoring me for a few days, and then she brings up a "let's talk about us", conversation.

I've never had a girlfriend before, and other than my one date with a girl that ended somewhat disastrously in November 2006; since beginning my Masters degree, I have had almost no contact with girls in the real world, or real experience of life in this way. So, this is quite new to me.

For those of you who are not familiar with many many hours of American sitcoms (read that as "life"), having these conversations are difficult. Antonia is asking me to consider, or rather, acknowledge that the relationship we have, is a "relationship". Or, to complicate the semantics even more, our connection is a relationship relationship, rather than just some generic relationship, like how I am to have a relationship with a doctor, or a vendor at Somerfield, as I ask for something, or give them my money, or my grief.

After some long reflection. I ask myself, is Antonia my girlfriend?; she is kind of pressuring me to think about it. She is pressuring me to think about it because she wants to know for sure, she wants me to acknowledge the relationship in a way that seems like I am not in denial, or ashamed of her, or the like.

I'm going to admit it. I'm a bastard! I'm the guy who has everything and I won't even acknowledge it. I'm the guy who has his dream of being chased by a girl come true, and now I am all coy. When I was fat and ugly before (buli)'mia came round, I was tortured mentally by thinking about those guys who were attractive, by those guys who could ahve a girl like them, who were great and popular and nice and got girl's numbers! I'm my own enemy now...I've changed now that mia is with me, but I'm afraid of changing into the people who made me depressed.

Let me give an analogy; imagine if in school, you had a friendship circle, or were fixated on some deprival. In my case, it was not being in the top of the classes for things, I was in the bottom class for maths, english, french, science...I felt really inferior to all those guys in the top classes, the rugby guys, who got all the girls, had all the muscles, the chiseled good looks, the favour of the teachers and our priests (I was in Catholic school...). They were commended for their rugby, their community service involvement, their fundraising for the annual India trip, and so on...

So, what am I now? Imagine now I wake up as the amazing rugby charity muscular hunk intelligent favoured by priest guy. I feel different now I have started the Masters; I feel different insofar as my role has changed. It's like I'm the prison guard and not the prisoner anymore. I'm living the fantasy I dreamed of, albeit with an eating disorder and crippling depression, and crippling anxiety, and little money, and poor organisation, and...okay, so maybe its not the fantasy fully. The point is, however, I thought that sex, and having abeautiful girl like Marie as a close friend, would make life perfect, I thought that being thinner would make things better, to the latter point, it went exactly how I thought. However, are things critically bad? Like being behind on my PhD application. Or, are things finally coming to realise like how I dreamed before I started uni?

I don't know.....

I think I need to apologise to Anotnia. She deserves to be treated better than this. I'm probably a bad guy for a relationship.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

If I could express tears in words...

...I'd want to write more than this.


Reasons I feel shit today:

1. I got tired after seminar
2. I got distressed about Marie
3. Had an anxiety issue during a social event
4. Didn't do any work
5. No future
6. Marie
7. I am binge eating to cope with 1-6.
8. I'm not good enough
9. I lost my £100 glasses due to memory loss
10. I have little money

Being purged

Okay, today I am pretty miserable; forced myself out of bed. Felt distressed. Lying in bed for a little while, just talking myself to keep going and fight on. I was trying this thing called "affirmations" that Antonia suggested.

Okay, so now, at 9:56 I feel a little stronger, and just willing to battle the day.

Then; facebook minifeed (the source of discontent) tells me that Marie has left a facebook group that I created, for a society that I used to be part of, that I am now purged out of. She purged the group off her membership, the group that I am still staying with (as non-portfolio) that nonetheless purged me. I kind of feel like this act of purging of the group of which i was purged of is her purging me.

I wonder how that makes me feel? Here's a clue...what's the most common word of the last paragraph?

Suddenly I feel miserable again. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I probably am; but still, feeling rejected is a trigger that I have.

I'm off to a seminar; but I thought to myself that I was going to have a productive day. My weight is 156lbs. I've lost 84lbs since the summer. Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the cool kids now that I have had more attention to me and more popularity and a new reputation. Other times I feel like I have offended God deeply by my actions...

I feel like life without Marie is pointless, no matter how good it is with all the academic stuff, all the way I change in looks...

It doesn't matter how fat or thin I am, how smart or stupid I am, how rich or poor I am, how many friends I have....while being thin, smart (which I'm not there yet!), not poor, and with a bunch of supporting and loving friends around me. I will still feel this way.

I am trying to strip away every negative one at a time. Purging takes away my fat, purging helps my concentration, concentration helps me read, reading helps me work, working moves me to my dream of being an academic, drinking coffee helps me concentrate, drinking coffee makes me purge. It's all a destructive frantic cycle which, in some perverse view of the world, I think improves me. But it means nothing without Marie. What good is it to have a brilliant landscape of nature before you, if you have no eyes? That's how I feel. I don't care about my reputation or how people see me as smart. I would care if they didn't think those things, but that just seems to be one more negative, but even if I take that away; I still have this fundamental emptiness. This fundamental yearning and desiring...

[Insert religious appeal here....]