My goal is to have 52k in aseets by end of next year

 My hopes for the future

• Being fit
• Being clean of conscience
• Being happy
• Being loved
• Being good
• Being clever
• Being caring
• Being myself

 39.45k in assets total. 

I've put 4k into a LISA just now. 

Never seen this kind of money in my life before and it grows. Will it grow more? 

I've been avoiding the whole investing thing. If I put 4k into the LISA it will have an extra 1k added because of the government grant. I shall also have the benefit of my other savings. 

 More ticked off of the c-19 bucket list:

• Meet up with media industry group
• Write a list of hopes for the future
• (almost visited Jolibee)

 The past few days have felt difficult. I'm doing some advocacy which is officially linked to my job but also exceptionally taking a lot from me. I'm so drained and things keep taking and taking away from me it's utterly soul destroying.

I am going to try and practice a therapeutic exercise: display gratitude. Things I am thankful for:

• Pops got me some lamb biriyani this wednesday lunch time. It was bloody good!
• The local corner shop had nice oft drinks and snacks.
• I was able to sleep mostly undisturbed and my body clearly needed much rest
• I did a press complaint which was very draining and upsetting to me
• I did actually did a bit of work
• I did some pride group work
• I invited some other pride group to our pride group

 Egg Swallowing

Lots of tasks I would often leave to do 'later'. Manana, manana, and it never gets done.

I cleared 3 tasks just now.

1. Put in more for savings per week

2. Create Reading plan for reading group

3. Find somewhere to repair leather jacket

Things I have done since the official lockdown end

I did a list of activities and specific places that mark the end of lockdown and the pandemic and a move to normality. I have two of these 'post covid' lists. I see that I have a cuple I can tick off

• See a doctor
• Use a public toilet
• Visit a shopping centre (done this a couple of times now)
• Work in a shared office
• Cinema
• Indoor bar
• Hug or shake hands
• Attend a wedding
• Stop routinely wearing a mask (exceptions apply but most outdoor activities without mask)
• 
  

 For Friday: 3 things I'm positive about

1. I have set up an mr robot style group and doing lots of advocacy

2. I went to the gym and cycled on Friday. Even though I have terrible energy lately

3. I have planned to go to the office next week and to two meetings IRL after work. I'm lookingforward to that

If I'm honest I found that list of 3 things very hard.

Tuesday is my new Sunday. 

Sundays pre covid I would do 2 hours at the gym, 2 classes. I'd hit my walking target, I'd hit 4000 and sometimes 5000kcal. It was really quite herculean.

My new Sunday is Tuesday. After work I go to the gym. I do 2 classes, If I'm lucky I'll do rowing before class. I hit 3500 (high) or 3000 (low). After gym I cycle to waitrose for some foodies. I also hit my steps target.

It's not extreme as pre covid but...it is my most active. I do have to recover after and I get shattered after.

It's 2:27am now. I'm trying to catch up on shit 

I've had a hard time not going to lie. But that's a conversation for another day.

 Hello me,

This is a diary entry but also going to be a futureme letter to myself in the future.

It's 3am on a Tuesday. 2021. This transphobia thing is really eating me from the inside out. I can't sleep normal hours. I'm wide awake after mightnight and exhausted during the day. I did sleep a good amount lately to my credit. Its important to have enough sleep. I won't say its too much as it is within the 'healthy' range. 12 hours would be too much. 

I cannot help but remember the dark times of 2006. It casts a shadow in the way that the November afternoons are pregnant with the evening dark. I am not in the best way at the moment. I'm keeping in as good spirits as I can. I had a nice beef curry on Monday. Mum made it. I got her the beef from Waitrose. It had a good softness. It was dry aged beef chunks. Mum used it for soup a while back. It's magical stuff.

I got Halo infinite multiplayer just a moment ago. I started playing it. I was reliving the fond memories of playing Halo Reach in 2010-2011 or so. It was a moment in time that felt good. I remember my work situation. Still working at Shambly Arena (what I call it for this blog) before I worked at 'The Sentinel'. It's come to 8years working at the Sentinel. What a journey. 

I'm on the precipice of getting old now. I'm 35. My knee is fucked, my metabolism isn't what it was. I'm also eating a lot of crap. I'm heavily involved in some advocacy work outside of work and its very meaningful to me. It involves a lot of research. 

I had a couple of memories just now. The amstrad computer dad got for me and Edwin. I remember it being so advanced and the keyboard looked dated by now's standards but I still feel an element of it in my current keyboard. The spongy keycaps and the odd sound of the travel. very much a bit of nostalgia from my present day 3060 machine. 

Another memory. 1997, the smell of the tuck shop. 30p for a pack of wheat crunchies. Wheat Crunchis, I'm just eating a pack now. isn't that one of the most bloody English of crisps ever. 

It's 3:45. I ought to try and go to bed. 

I dare ask what your life is like. I think I don't want to know. I see other peoples lives moving so quickly and mine is stuck. I'm so exhausted. I have a feeling of resignation. Like Adorno's essay, 'Resignation'.

0346

16/11/2021

 Monday 1 November

Received Mackinaw vest from Filson. I lost the previous one. This was very costly. I really loved my Mackinaw vest. The collar is unlike anything else. I'm glad I have this specific model waistcoat. It has a formal nature and casual nature to it. I love it.

 Monday 1 November

In the preparation for a new academic reading group, I read a monograph in the space of 2 days. 

It's been a while since i did something like that. I wish I ended up as an academic.

14/11/2021

1733

(working through my logs, needed to write this)

 The past few days I have been very unwell. I think maybe a combination of exhaustion and depression and yesterday a very bad migraine. It was so bad that I almost felt like it was life changing 

Decision matrix

 Minimise:

• buy paper
• set up w49
• nps -clear 
• make less of a mess

Satisfice

• Read paper
• Notebooking
• Keep active: gym
• Keep active: cycling? 
• Plan W46 activities
• Meet Bro and Nephew 

Maximin

• Plan beef dates
• Plan office day nxtx week
• watch tv
• Encyclopedie project
• Catch up on logging
• Plan work
• Finish past papers
• Finish reading magazines

Maximise

• Finish PDFs
• Repair bike
• set service day for bike
• audiobook planning
• Advocacy planning
• Do some learning
• Budgeting
• Savings

 Dear Diary,

This Friday I booked off work. I planned to watch the Eternals film. I wonder if its really worth it with the poor reviews. I would like however to have a nice posh breakfast at a cafe where I don't think about anything.

Last weekend I was exhausted and I had a massive sleep and logging and other debt of things to catch up on. It's tuesday 6am and I'm still working on that debt of things to catch up on. I feel like I did a big chunk of it. The week before I went to Comicon. It was a spectacular experience, but I got the flu and I still don't feel fully recovered from it. The week before was my best friend's wedding. The days and weeks are moving too quickly. I think sometimes about how much I can get done in a day. About 6 years ago I used to have this view that everything I'd do was meaningful and a definition of success was that I filled my time with things.

Now at 35 I have so many things I could do there literally isn't enough time in the day. It's not that my time matters.  Of course that's true. It seems like my time matters so much I'm constantly stretched in terms of my mental ability to cope or be prepared for things. I think if I had more downtime, time to breathe and such, I'd be more able to cope. 

I lost a bit of weight during comicon but I fear I've gotten it back. Part of my problem is that I'm behind on logging days. If I had better more hygienic logging practices for my myfitnesspal, I'd be more on top of my plan to have a regular caloric deficit. 

How about a review of the Monday-Tuesday waking period I had just now. 

1. Full day of work (good)
2. too tired for gym (not good)
3. rested after work (good)
4. had a takeaway at midnight (probably not good)
5. Caught up not only with work but also non priority reading (good)
6. Catching up with non-priority reading will mean I can get ahead with other tasks
7. I'm working on a high importance project with a group of people beyond my industry

Other tasks I want to do:

Audit my savings (important to get to 70k savings)

Write up fro comicon for newsletter

Prepare reading the Alien guide book. I've been invited to a virtual RPG game (I'm getting into RPGs now)

Find time to maintain my bike goddammit

Vacuum my room

Okay now i'm just saying stuff that really needs to get done.

Honestly I feel like I just want to rest and wait until I feel I'm recovered and able to face the world. But I keep resting and resting and that time doesn't come. When I rest too much My mind goes to places I try to avoid. I think about November 2006 and the bad memories. It's getting close to the anniversary and...I've tried a lot to move on from that time in my life. 

I was talking to a friend over the weekend and she said to me that people like her and me want to be the kind of support to others that we never had in our hard times.