Tuesday, May 31, 2011

getting back online

I've been away for a few days, as my connection to google websites was a bit fucked over (blogger is a google subsidary). I've not been as busy because of it, which highlights my dependence on cloud computing and Google Calendar. It also highlights my natural disposition to feeling lost and my natural poor concentration. I also had a lot of time to think about things. Perhaps I may write about those things I got to think about. For now, I need to be busy. My connection to google is secure right now, but I am unaware of for how long.

I am so glad to say this: I need to get back to it!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

a blog post i'm typing when i should be showering

Dear Diary,

Today I achieved the following:

  • I applied to 3 jobs
  • I was contacted by a recruitment consultancy, and gave them my details on their request, as they think there is a role that might interest me
  • I did some training, my calorific burn is 1500kcal today, that includes 10k row, 1 hour x-trainer, and about 15-20 minutes calisthenics. My right hip is giving me some trouble, and my hand calouses are stinging (how glamorous!) My estimated intake until this point (I may have supper in a moment) is 900kcal, that means i've done more than I ate today. If I slept now I'd be a very happy man.

So it sounds like today has been one of notable achievement. I still have things yet to do, for instance, I need to go downstairs and have a shower, and then put clean clothes on. I feel so tired right now that I could just fall asleep on the chair. I hope today is a day of sowing seeds, sowing seeds that lead to better things. In my current situation that's the best I can hope for.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A blog post about a pair of shoes I had in 2005 which were a barefoot kind of style (wow what a long and weird name for a blog post)

Sometimes I wonder to myself, I wonder if the darker thoughts that I try to avoid are the correct ones. My mind shifts through varying sets of beliefs about the world, optimisms, pessimisms, anger, hope, arrogance. I'm wonder sometimes which model should fit the real world. Today I let myself ignore the schedule, since I did so much yesterday I can allow myself to do so. I woke up getting a text from my counsellor telling me she wasn't able to make the session. Following this, I realised that this freed up some money in my calculation of being broke. This was a very happy conclusion for me because it means I can make ends meet, or at least I'm in a better position to make ends meet.

That makes me -£25 in the red

I then got an email from my boss, to the effect of saying that I will be able to get reimbursed from ages ago.

That's another ~£25 in the red

I also bought some new shoes, it was the shoes that fucked up my feet from the blister. I bought some boxing shoes, I wonder if it will help with my training. They look pretty fun and they remind me of a pair of shoes I used to have a long time ago...

(Story mode)

To set the scene it was 2005. During the august of hell. I was first put on antidpressants in the Summer of 2005. In a sense I feel I've told this story over and over in the couple of years after, but in recent years I have merely taken it for granted. I felt a great sense of disappointment in my life: everyone I knew had great friends at uni, a girlfriend or some kind of fucking experience, and I was getting more weight in my belly from the antidepressants and for the first time in my life, my weight became an issue. I felt completely isolated during this time of my life, and there were things that symbolised this: I had an out of date CD player in an MP3 player age; I wore clothes that were totally out of date for the mid 2000s and I didn't know anything about pop culture, music, tv shows or anything like that. I was a hermit in so many ways.

I felt completely uncomfortable in my clothes, and for me, clothes were a distinct way of finding some kind of identity with the world. I was in a state of limbo with my clothes and the years subsequent to 2005 were an exploration of my sartorial place, as well as a establishing a different sense of self. Moving from london to my university town was a big change and life changed a great deal. I remember a pair of shoes. It would be so strange to remember a pair of shoes, but I'm a bit of a hoarder. I used to have these amazing tan coloured chelsea boots, they symbolised my great achievements during college. Eventually, however, those boots broke, and got mud inside them. I still wore them but they were really bad for my feet (because of the mud).

I wanted to get another pair of shoes, I needed to in fact. It was a symbol of how I needed to change my ways. I went to this store, that I eventually came to visit often. They were cheap, really cheap but not primark cheap. They were a menswear store with african guys in there calling you 'boss' and some pop tunes and hip hop always played in the background. The shop was called 'The Officer's Club'. I think in recent years they have closed down due to the economic downturn. This shop had a lot of what I came to recognise as douchebag clothing. At the time I didn't know, and I bought a lot of douchebag clothes. I thought it was cool, I thought it was a way to feel a sense of individuality. If I ever criticise a douchebag for what they wear, I understand their mindset, and it is exactly why I critique them, for the ignorance and self-worth issues they exhibit were mine once, and perhaps still are, however, I dont think its cool to wear those shirts with dragons or wolves or weird heavy metal album fonts that look like tattoos.

I found this pair of shoes, they weren't boots, and they cut just under the ankle in terms of wearability. They were shaped along my foot really well, I guess by modern standards we appraise them as similar to the 'barefoot style' of shoe. I happened to have bought a pair today similar in kind to this 'barefoot' style that is moulded more naturally to the shape of the foot, and how it runs. I really bonded with these shoes. I felt insecure with these shoes because they were not the boots I loved, and I was still feeling uncomfortable in my skin. But at least with these shoes, I expressed my discomfort, in those shoes, I showed discord from the inside.

I wore those shoes throughout the summer of hell, I wore those shoes as things around me transitioned: my old laptop from school died; my CD player was outmoded and then I got a used mp3 player in its place (I've already written about that). Eventually I came to develop a new attire, a new set of clothes and a new staple of attire for what I wear regularly, that is when the rituals came in which forms me now. However, these foot like shoes in 2005 were a distinct transitory object. Eventually they broke, the sole was too cheap. I got attached to these shoes even though they were shitty and probably made me look poor. I was a very weird person back then, uncomfortable in my own skin and people probably could tell that anyway. Eventually during that time, however, I started to learn how to be more independent. I started to learn more about myself, learned to be different. I ddin't learn all of these things overnight, or even within the year period in which it transpired. It was more like a sowing of seeds, which eventually, after my really big breakdown in 2008, where I began to start again.

I guess the platitude of that time is that it is always possible to start over, to start again. Right now that seems so impossible, but many could do it, I did it many times in my history. Reinvented as a musician, as an academic, as a lover, as what I am now. Can I reinvent myself again? Time will tell. But I'll say this: I have the perfect transitory shoes for it, this time they aren't shit :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

sending a little bit of hope

Dear Diary,

My scribefire is still a little fucked, but this will have to do. If I am to summarise today, what would I say? I've applied to 3 jobs and sort of applied to one job. So thats a good record of 3 and a bit applications today, I've also done some job searching. This day would be even more perfect if I were to gym it. However I'm not terribly sure if its a good idea. I have a blister on my foot.

This blister hurts like fuck, and in addition to that I fear I may get it worse were I to go to the gym. I've made it already bad by leaking it and cutting out the skin. I've fucked up a bit. I read up and apparently the fluid in the blister is supposed to create cells that heal it, now that I've leaked it and I've cut the skin, I've seriously hindered recovery. Perhaps those applications make my day good enough. Who knows, maybe I'll go even further to deal with my applications today! Whenever I send off an application I send off a little bit of hope in each one of them. With all the hope I send out, I have very little reply in return. Can you blame me for being so pessimistic? It hurts every time I put myself out there. I wish I could resolve my problems by going to the gym today, but, at least for today, I am down for the count. FUCK!

Week in review

I'm sorry about posting nothing earlier, I have a 'small' problem with my scribefire. Anyway I think its resolved now. On with the blog. Today I have done the following:

  • Applied to a research job
  • Job searched
  • Jogging (kcal expenditure 600)
  • Ate too much

I felt pretty tired today so I went at things at a very slow pace. My day was fairly lonely, but I managed to get by, I probably did a bit too much wanking and overeating. I fell off the wagon as they say. I'm going to be hard on myself for gym tomorrow. That said, my feet have un-sexy sores all over them. This is an odd thing tos ay, but with the exception of actually applying to jobs, I have finished most of the scheduled tasks. Now it is a matter of getting in to the intense swing of actually shootign off job applications. My week summary is as follows:

Training sessions: 5

Jobs applied: 6

Weight lost ~4-6lbs

All things considered: not bad, not bad...

Now to keep up the pace, and if possible, up the gear. I really crave some chocolate now

Saturday, May 21, 2011

do not feed the trolls

Good morning, afternoon

I allowed myself to have a lazy day today. Considering that I've done about 18km for the past 3-4 gym sessions, and worked yesterday before crashing to sleep, oh and my near-leg cramp this morning; I think I need a rest day. I feel quite worn down this morning and I have felt a bit low today. not terribly low but low enough for it to matter. The tasks I've set myself look numerous and if I'm honest, scary. I'm always talking in counselling about how important the schedule is, but right now I feel like its the last thing I want to do. That's exactly why I'm pushing on. It looks like I've found enough to get on with.

I put on weight between yesterday and today, but that might just be poop weight that i've not released yet. measuring myself is unhelpful in that respect because I don't lose weight every day in that representative sense but it is a general downward trend. So long as I keep my calories low today I should be alright. My parents are going out this evening, so I shouldn't binge foolishly. I'm trying not to feed my self-loathing today. I'm also really low on funds. I'm thinking about raising money by doing online surveys, I must be desperate. Maybe I can sell my amazon voucher. Fuck.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

give me a break!

Dear Diary,

I am financially cutting it close. With counselling, travelling and other such fees which are necessary, I am short £10.03 from tuesday, and then maybe short £35 the week after. I am reasonably confident that I will be alright for the month of June, but I am definately short on cash over the coming weeks. I've informed my boss that they owe me £25 for the disclosure form I had to order ages back, but even still that won't cover all the costs, in addition I am not confident that I will be fed that money in time. In short, I'm buggered. My mum found out about my ISA, and she said itw as very bad, she didn't 'tell me off' as such, and I did explain that I am not making unreasonable costs. Money is very tight and I am feeling desperate. My computer is old and its reasonable to suspect that many of the tools I presently use are going to crack at some point. One of my keyboards already fucked up, and my on board laptop keyboard also died on me.

I am fucked, a little stressed and I feel powerless. That blog post I wrote last night was fairly optimistic, every day I set a small number of tasks, when completed I consider it a day to be proud of, looking long term (which is absolutely necessary), I'm not sure how to make the finances work beyond Tuesday. I still have time, and I am thinking about it. It's not too late as it were. These thoughts are reminding me of the days when my anxiety was at its worst. My most immediate response right now is that I want to either purge or work out. I'm probably going to gym it again today. I'm totally addicted. I feel a desparation to reach those calorie targets. Because the rest of my life: my job situation, potential girls, and any sense of a career or future seem so bleak and distant to me, the only thing I can control is my body. Maybe I'm going to aim for 2000kcal again today.

Maybe gyming it is good for stress. I might work more on resistance today, now that my back isn't as sore! I must not forget that I also have work tomorrow. I was thinking about going to a comedy night later today, or tomorrow, but my financial situation is very bad and I just can't make it. I wish something good happened in my life for once.

I know that's a terrible thing to say. Because I need to make it happen.


the wisdom of apollo creed

Dear Diary,

Today I sent off a job application, did some training, did some job searching and I started doing a bit of writing. I feel that the more I write, the more I immediately need to refine. I guess the first pressing never gets the grade. I just need to get it out, then work on it. It's a bit cliche, a bit 'Brian Griffin' to try and write a story. Why am I doing this? Because just for me, I feel its a story that I want to write. Hell, I'm the protagonist and antagonist!

I have just came, the room smells a bit of jizz, and I feel a little woozy. There is nothing unique about that fact I grant although now I'm thinking to myself about how proud I am of my training session today. I started off with an hour on the cross trainer and somehow, for some unknown factor, I was able to really push my balls harder at the x-trainer and managed 1131 kCal in an hour, I then put in a bit of time for floor excercises, but not much. I got complimented on my technique by an older guy when I was doing the 'superman' excercise. It was pretty odd, the man then did some pull ups. I can't do pullups to save my life, so I am pretty flattered by a toothless bodybuilder complimenting me. I shook that pride off and then did 10k on the rowing machine. My energy levels were high, they went up and down as they always do, but they stayed at a nice consistent pace. I was probably mouthing the lyrics to my favourite songs in a borderline psychotic appearance but I didn't care, it was about the target.

Sometimes I can be single minded, and when I'm at the gym, I utilise that mindset entirely, it becomes about the goal and nothing more, any thoughts about anything else are wasteful, or distractions. Sometimes I think to myself 'since I'm just going to be doing this repetition for an hour, I might as well think about x'. I felt this sense of hate grow in me, the hate in my mind was feeding me, fuelling me, keeping me warm. Going home I felt that hatred simmering and going cold again, but I knew it was there. This utter contempt and arrogant smile. It is mia. 

In a sense I'm glad I find mia in the training sessions. Her mindset helps me focus, helps me turn the world into black and white, and sometimes, that's what I need in order to push forward. It doesn't help with most other aspects of life, clocking in and doing the repetitions is a matter of just getting it done. I am hopeful if I continue this excercise program for the foreseeable few weeks. I may lose weight in an accellerated way only comparable to my experience with mia. As I pulled on that rowing chain, I felt this realisation, it was a sense of feeling beautiful again. Antonia used to call me 'beautiful boy', and it made me feel so special.

I was also reminded of Apollo Creed in Rocky III. That's an odd reference, but it is a gym and there are buff guys in shorts working out. In Rocky III, Rocky loses perspective in his boxing career and disovers that after achieving the one thing he wanted for so long, he has become complacent, and has lost what Apollo calls the 'eye of the tiger', the psychological edge of wanting to go as far as you can in order to win. There is a scene where Apollo is in this underground dank excuse for a gym, where this big group of black guys were training and they look at Rocky with as if they are looking through him, they have this thousand-yard stare and a fixed gaze where only one thing was on their mind: victory. Apollo then says 'do you see that? that's the eye of the tiger!'

In a sense I feel less of a complacency compared to my friends because they have decent jobs and girlfriends and I don't, because they do, they are content. I feel a fire and sense of desire and fury inside me. It feels authentic, it feels true. Perhaps the challenge of complacency will come if I ever achieve it. For now, I want to foster this fury, I want to foster this sense of drive. I understand that there will be some days when it goes away. Some days are low days.

My intake was about 2000kcal today, my output was about the same. Tomorrow's weigh in is something to get out of bed for. For a very long time (and I'm not going to count my chickens about my next morning), I've not found a reason to jump out of bed,most of the days getting out of the bed is like doing one more set when I've done way too many already. That 'one more set' feeling when I am just too tired is unbearably hard. I am reminded of how stallone's films are often described: all heart. If you put in all heart you get a sense of satisfaction unrivalled. I need to put in more heart.

I hope tomorrow brings me more achievements.

Good night

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

a post that digresses about exclamation marks

Dear Diary,


The question always comes up: have I done enough? I've screened about 5 jobs that I scheduled to apply for, and only one of them was suitable to apply to, so I applied to it. It also took a bit of a while to fill out because they were asking specific questions and I couldn't do a cut and paste job on it. With that in mind I feel like I want to go out and do the gym now, which I invariably will do.

I am reminded of something. In 2008, my brother was involved in a social media thing (I'll leave this intentionally vague) to boost his popularity and recognition in his music career, I messaged all sorts of people to come and see it and no one bothered, or they all had other things. This was my first experience of promotion an event, and I hated it. It wasn't so much that my brother's actual event wasn't so good, considering they didn't last in the competition that long and so forth, but I had to use up so much social credit and put up this fake personality not only in person but on facebook. I hate it for instance when people overly use exclamations, as if what they are communicating is so funny, or significant that they need to type it emphatically. Example: OMG!! Great Dr. Who EP this week!!!1

Experiences such as this have left me distanced and tired of the world. In positive news I've applied for one job today, I've done a whole lot of ajob applying and I have also lost a fair bit more weight due to good dieting yesterday. Today I've already reached my calorie limit so I'm fucked. I have eaten a few pork ribs that my mum made, but my grading on caloriecount is A-, which can't be too bad.

I'm feeling a bit of a dip in my energy levels, and since I've listened to half a play and about 10 cds of Bach today, I think I can complete this day with a training session. Maybe I'll even sleep early to finish it off!

I might do some 'creative writing' when I get home. Depending on my energy. Will I do 2 hours and a 1000kcal burn? Let's see! (sorry about exclamation, I'm not really excited, I have a humourless face on right now)

Deadlift is such a macho word

Good morning,

Just when I thought counselling wasn't useful, I discovered my own internal inconsistency, not just in action but in ideas. Yesterday I felt as tired as hell, however I did manage to get a couple of applications completed and I went to the gym. I had a 90 minute session. My shoulders and the backs of my arms are still stinging. I wasn't sure if I could continue, I chose to leave instead of finishing on the cross-trainer. No matter, I lost a good amount of weight between yesterday and today. That made me smile a bit, and gave me an exhaltation of "YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!".

So, today is another day. Just get on with it. I think that I've overcome my addiction to the game Star Control. I just wish things worked out for me. It will only work out if I change who I am in certain respects, it will only change through action. I tried some new workouts yesterday. This week I have worked a bit more on the free weights, and I tried deadlifting yesterday. For the spirit of exploration and curiosity, I have a bit of back soreness. I *may* skip gym today, to recover and all. But now I've said it I really don't want to. Maybe I'll just go to cardio today, or legs, no shoulder or back workouts, ouch...

Here's hope for a thinner me.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

p.s. i need to shave at some point

Dear Diary,

This weekend I have been a slob, but not necessarily a bad slob. I have only completed a few of the scheduled tasks, and I have not been as vigilant with training. I have also made no action to make my situation 'worse' as it were, so I am not technically 'behind'. I am obsessed a little with this game on the linux computer, which to my shame is taking a lot of my time. I am also wanking a fair amount. I can always say it's the weekend and I'll get back to it tomorrow. Maybe I'll start my story from friday.

Friday was a day at work, a fairly long shift, just under 8 hours, and getting home I fell asleep (it was a 5am start for me). I then was forcibly woken to go to a party for some family. I begrudgingly came with them but I did feel exceptionally tired, add that tiredness with alcohol and I got considerably drunk, and I think I let loose too many of my inhibitions. Saturday was a recovery day, my body felt a bit shitty and I could still taste the puke. So I took it slow. Then eurovision came and I was trying to sort some computer issues.

Sunday I got up too late to go jogging and I have been playing since yesterday this space exploration game called 'Star Control 2'. I remember it from my childhood but not being so detailed as it is now. Maybe I just played the melee parts. Anyway, I've since did a bit of job searching and set up my playlist and logged some data from the camden crawl that I've meant to do for a few weeks anyway. In a sense I've caught up. I've also been pretty good with my diet today. I ate a shitload on friday so the jury is out as to whether I have really made up for my sins that day. I suppose its just a matter of getting on. I'm always talking about how I need to get on, and to some large extent I do. I have quite a lot set for myself this week. I can't complain about not having enough (like last week).

So, there's the challenge. Challenge accepted!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The "things just aren't working attitude"

Dear Diary,

This is the moment when I say to myself: FUCK.

I'm very low in funds right now. If anything I can't afford to make ends meet. I have been paid for last month and I've just realised how few shifts I had. Although I worked 4 shifts last month, two of which were on short notice; I'm still going to be broke. This is a terrible situation and its not in my control. My first reaction to this news was of a passive calm, something to the effect of: I'm going to keep calm and somehow this will work itself out.

This unfounded belief is all that I can base positive feelings from. I am going to weigh myself and then decide if breakfast is a good idea. Perhaps then I'll get on with the schedule. I feel so utterly fucked and stressed out, that I'm not sure how I can resolve things. I can have an attitude of "things just aren't working" and I suspect it won't help me be positive, or I can take little solace in the few positives that I do have, even while acknowleding its shit. If I think "things just aren't working" I'm going to take it out on myself by eating more. I don't want to do that.

My first thoughts when I woke up this morning were that this new weight loss I've had in recent days is a sign, its a sign that I'm starting to believe in something important again. It's a sign that I am working towards some higher goal and that I'm starting to believe in some higher goal, instead of being in my own head,I am able to take a distance from myself and take a distance from my temptations, or desire to purge. I definately want to go training today, although perhaps I'll just deal with one thing at a time:

Measure weight
Decide to eat
Schedule tasks

Keep it simple.

I should be so lucky

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty damned tired. I worked for just under 10 hours today, and not including travelling 1 hour and another hour back, I guess that's basically half a day, well, all of my day if you include sleeping, eating and waking up.

I could say a lot of things about my shift today, the feelings I went through, the funny revelations, the realisation that I kind of fancy a colleague. I could also mention how the clients were a bit cunty. Its over. I think the greatest achievement of my day is that I didn't purge at work, I got really close to doing it. Another great achievement of my day is that I didn't do anything 'wrong', purging included in that construal, but also the clients were annoying and I could have lost the plot easily. I dealt with the pressure and stress I think in a good way, that's not to say it wasn't a fucking nightmare.

I've counted my calories today, I've also made an estimate of a fajita type thing that I bought. They didn't have the burrito that I love, but the fajita was a nice replacement. I probably overestimated my calorific intake, but even still it is not very much. Between Tuesday and Wednesday (I was going to say 'yesterday and today', but 'today' in my mind is yesterday now), I lost over 1lb according to the records. That's a kind of progress I can easily live with. A change of diet will help me vastly. I had a nice pasta supper, quorn mince (thanks mum) mixed with passata and penne makes for a lovely evening meal. Low in cals (so evening carbs isn't too much of an issue), and fills me right up. There's enough for a good substantial breakfast tomorrow. I had an extended breakfast in anticipation of this long day. I think the tuna fed me well.

If I am able to lose a 1lb so quickly, I can hopefully build on said progress and go down to 225lbs by the end of the week. Who knows, I might even go down to 220 by the end of the month. I should be so lucky. That old cliche saying comes to mind: don't count your chickens before they hatch. My life may be overall shit, but the one success I can cling on to with desparation is my weight loss. I live under the illusion that weight loss will change me as a person. Perhaps that's my concession to mia.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

as my old piano teacher once used to say...

Dear Diary,

I feel like today I've done the core workout (metaphor) and now I feel a bit more energy I can optionally push myself harder, but I can choose to just quit the session (extended metaphor). I've finished most of my scheduled tasks for today. The rest of them are time-dependent so I have to go and do them later on, I hope it will be fairly straightforward. Probably the only task that will really be hard is my workout this evening. I am going to make the bold decision to make a 10km row a regular part of my routine.

This morning I checked the scales. I am 2lbs less than when I checked a couple of days ago, and I didn't even poo this morning to make the difference. I need to take diet seriously, I have since monday, entered every item of food into my log and counted the calories. I will attempt to make this more of a habit, it also makes me more aware of the calorific content of many of the foods I eat. I also have a weird craving for pak choi. Seeing the progress of just a few days has given me a distinct sense of hope and motivation. I need to keep up this pace, keep up this motivation if I am to make progress. It's going to be hard and that's no lie. Tomorrow I'm working quite a long one again, so I won't be able to think about the schedule, nor will I be able to think about excercise. My short term memory is getting a lot worse lately I am hopeful for the future and I have distinct things that I need to do right now.

So, as my old piano teacher once used to say: get on with it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

a rant about things unrelated to a song which inspired said thoughts

Dear Diary,

At work I got to see a sorta famous sorta-band. That's not really specific I know, but the nature of the job involves discretion. I should be a sex worker with the amount of secrets I have to keep, sorry I'm thinking aloud which interrupts the flow of what I'm trying to say. Anyway, I was working and I noticed this group, and they have performed a few corporate gigs with us so I started to look them up on wikipedia and youtube, invariably I was then led to this song. That song reminds me of a time in late 2007, when I was purging a great deal and when I thought everything was about to begin. I suppose it did begin but not in the way I wanted.

Through an almost unrelated thought, probably just the association with Celli (that's plural of Cello, you know, which in turn is a shortened word: violoncello) gave me an unwelcome memory. If I live with the assumption that everything is in lieu of a single failure, then I give that event more power. Marie was a short, insignificant part of my life, and her influence has ended. I find it hard to express emotional honesty, perhaps because I have no oppurtunity to express such a disposition. Today I have finished all of my schedule tasks. I need to dig out for some more. This is a good position to be in, now I just need to apply to more jobs and finish more of the tasks from future days. I am working twice this week so I probably should catch up on those future days. A day ahead is nice, it accounts for when I'm working, and then they are equalised. But if I do a monumental amount more on a day ahead, I can be two or three days ahead.

For some reason I am looking at twitter a lot more, I usually go on just to follow comedians, musicians, celebrities or friends that I like, but I've developed an unhealthy crush on one. I hope there's a market for guys who are damaged goods, emotionally fragile/hurt but have redeemable qualities. I hate that cliche of the manic pixie girl who fixes everything, but a girl who seems interested in my wellbeing and takes the same perspective that I need to improve myself speaks to something deep in me. Does that make me a bad person for desiring the caregiver role which is feminised to its very core? Maybe, or I could just be an egotist who wants to do better. Maybe I'm both, or maybe I'm just not sure how to realise myself.

I spent my time on this blog writing whole paragraphs in trying to organise my thoughts, trying to work out how I feel. Often I don't edit many of these thoughts for the intent that it is beneficial to just get them all out. To some extent it helps. I am also trying another attempt at writing, an attempt that is more structured, edited and refined. I'm going to run with both of course. Writing in this therapeutic way helps me. I know that almost nobody is going to read this, I don't really care. It's better to pretend or imagine that there is a reader of these thoughts than running them inside my head. Words inside my head can be warped, words and thoughts outside of my head, even if they are inconsistent or difficult to understand, even by myself; are not subject to 'warping', although interpreting them is another issue. Hermeneutics aside, I think my anxiety trigger has lessened after watching that music video.

This post was a therapeutic attempt to deal with difficult feelings. Thank you I'll be here all week

ass weights

Good Morning,

I wake up, I felt like I was asleep forever. I was in a pretty dark dream. It was set in the past, of course dreams feel real, and they are always anachronistic in some way. This dream was no different, I was still in college and it involved a friend of mine. However on reflection, the 'person' seemed to be two people merged into one. These things make more sense in a dream. I opened my eyes in wake, feeling a sense of distress and I felt quite moved by the dream. I think that I realised that being just a dream, it doesn't have to affect the rest of my day.

So now I'm awake properly, I even have a clean shaven face. I guess its a sign I am into more regularity when my computer is blaring out some black metal and I have my eye on the schedule. Lets get on with the day. I need to work on the following situations:


  1. Getting a job
  2. Excercise
  3. Getting out of my mental situation

This seems fairly straightforward, my head never seems to make it so. I should be a little more philosophical and say that the past few days had distractions, the week previous had even more, and now it is boring time I can get active again. I'm £1 short of the counselling fee. I'll find a way to sort that out.

Onwards. I saw a quote from AC Grayling's 'good book' on twitter: Every ass thinks their load is the heaviest. Time to do some metaphorical ass weight lifting

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A reference to that Heather Small Song

Dear Diary,

What have I done today to make me feel proud? I write that and then I realise that it is from that 1990s song song from yesterdecade. I finished work at 2:30 AM, got home at 3:15, went to bed probably from 4am, and woke up at 11am. I then spent most of the morning wanking, and trying to get out of a stupour. I sort of justify it as tiredness. My dad told me that this family friend said her son is 'taking a year out', and when she said it, it was a way of trying to sound socially acceptable. Basically this guy has finished university, and now he's not doing anything: not travelling, not looking for work, not taking on any courses, just staying at home doing whatever it is.

I say that not as a judgmental person (although just mentioning it is implicitly normative), but I think of myself, tu quoque, as it were. I return to the original question: what have I done today to make me feel proud? I didn't go to the gym today as my mum held me in the house for an errand which required me to be at home, maybe that's an excuse. I've overeaten again, but I have lost 2lbs since earlier this week. I've applied for a job and I've caught up with my percieved worry about being behind schedule.

I'm edging closer to 25 years of age, I feel like a distinct failure and I have nothing going on in my life. I need to make changes. Well, the gym is one good thing, monitoring my food intake is another. Today I feel I haven't done a good job at both. I do feel very tired however. I feel that I might allow myself an early time to retire for tonight. Or perhaps it is more the case that I cannot be bothered to do any more scheduled tasks. I've done a fair few and I've even started to do some more writing on that project I have. I almost think I have an original idea.

For some reason I am feeling anxious physically, I'm not quite sure why, because I can't remember why I'm anxious. Maybe this feeling is from a sense of underachievement. Back when I was in school, things were so much more determined, success was objective: grades. Now that has gone and everyone can do anything. There are no objective metrics anymore, and yet there are normative pressures to fit against these very same metrics. You want me to specify what these metrics are don't you? These are things like happiness, success, prosperity, achieving something to be proud of.Things which adults are judged upon in social life. I feel very lost and my physical breathlessness seems to match my exasperation at the lack of oppurtunity and prospects for improving my situation and my life. I did a whole lot of job searching this week, and I found a few vacancies.

What if I just feel that life is pointless? What if I just feel that it is either braveura or nothing, and I am not allowed to have braveura. I am getting awfully tempted to purge. Mia has started to appear in my consciousness lately. I see it metaphorically as her sitting in a chair, looking at me. She says things, I've made the decision to walk away and ignore her. For various reasons I've made an excuse not to listen to the voice in my head, reasons such as: I'm busy, I have x to do right now.Maybe I'm also purposely ignoring her, and that recognition potentially makes her ask why I'm ignoring her.

The thought she proposes to me: is there something you have that I can't give? and is there something I can give you that you need right now?

The dangerous thought is answering her question: because she has something to give that I need. She has hope.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Back on the Wagon

Dear Diary,

I think I woke up fairly late. I feel like I've gotten back on the wagon after friday's mishap with the computer. I am glad that I am almost back to normal, if normal means anything. I've fixed the wifi and the soundcard and now most of the applications and configurations are the way I like it. This morning consisted of seeing my brother in law, who is a very happy, but sleepless man. I then went off to do some training, it was almost a 2 hour session. I did a treadmill warmup which made me run out of steam quite quickly, I then did some extended resistance training and tried some different weight settings. I brought on the pain, and it never seems to get easier, it just becomes easier to take more. I then went forward and did an hour on the rowing machine which took out 503kcal and I did 10km. I always find the rowing machine hard, but I find it is a good benefit. All those calories i'm putting into my body necessitate a hard workout to burn it off, and then of course there is the matter of getting my weight down.

After I got home, I had a shower and a slow lunch, while watching Family Guy (enjoying an empty house). Following that I did only small tasks, reading articles and catching up on things. After I finish this post I am going for a long shift at work. It will end at 2:30am and hopefully the taxi ride home will give little trouble on the way home. I have worked out a way I can almost pay for my counselling but I am also aware that I am as skint as fuck right now. I think that today is a good day: I've worked out at the gym, brought on some pain, I haven't overdone the calories (yet) and I'm in good stead for making tomorrow a productive day. Now I just hope that my sony Reader will work with the little amount of electrical charge I've given it.

Off to work I go!

Again? Really?

Today is kind of a 'lost' day. My laptop got fucked again, and I spent the whole day processing the repair in the following way:


  • Diagnosis
  • Entertain preliminary solutions
  • Solution: plan: revert to previous ubuntu setting
  • Planning: Migrate important data to safe house
  • Solution enactment: prepare boot disk
  • Reinstall ubuntu
  • Once ubuntu installed, fix problem
  • Problem fixed (8pm)

I also had a telephone interview today and I planned to go to the gym but didn't.

I am now just about managing to return to original settings of the computer. I've actually repaired the original wifi adapter and my final touch act is to set up the blog software :)


I've had 'lost' days in the past. I hate them with a passion, it reminds me of the past, the past which never seems to escape me. Tomorrow I have a long shift at work, and I hope to do some more gym, permitting that I am able to revert to the settings that I had just before I rebooted.




Okay political diatribe over.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Voting day!

Dear Diary, This morning was another one of those 'how long was I out for?' days. My sister is in labour at the moment and today is the referendum for changing the electoral system. This is a moment many people have wanted for a great many years, so I think its important to vote. I heard from Marie yesterday, she barely remembered me and said something just a little blunt but fair: it was 4 years ago. That I suppose made me have a trigger, it's true it was 4 years ago. Get over yourself. I got upset, but then I went to the gym and got some sweat out of me. I definately got some pain and suffering out on the resistance machines as well as on the rowing machine. I pushed myself hard and inflicted a distinct pain on my body. In a way, the physical pain I can manage if I inflict it on myself. However, when my mind inflicts something on me, I just have no control. I think the nice thing about having mia, or any voice in my head, is the impression that I'm not alone. Yesterday I sent off a job application, caught up on some google articles and finally I started writing after training. I guess that counts as productive. I think I found a bit of flair when writing. In a sense, it is a condensed form of my blogging. I find lately that I'm in a bit of a writers block when blogging so I should just finish this post and get on with my day. It's not as if I have nothing to get on with. The first order of the day is to vote! I'll see you later

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Moving on and getting on

Dear Diary, Something yesterday gave me a big shock to my system. I think the largeness of decisions or a feeling is determined not by that contingent moment, but how it is looked upon in the future or impacted upon the future. I'm going to try and take the diet seriously, in addition to the excercise (which I'm already working on), this may lead to a fitter, better me. This is going to take some effort and it will be hard. I am terribly used to taking things too easily, especially since last week. As such, I made myself get into the uncomfortable places yesterday, at the gym I really fucked my body over in various ways, but not enough to cause injury (I hope), but enough to feel that serious lung pain and get my heartrate up for extended periods of time that I am not used to. In addition, I applied to two jobs I would normally think I would have no chance at, and I even made an effort customising the CV and doing the covering letter. I also got a new shift this month after emailing quickly yesterday. I think yesterday was good, a post-hangover post-long weekend stupour was avoided. Now I need to keep up the pace. Today I have been catching up on articles, and doing a bit of job searching. I hope to do 4 training sessions this week, maybe 5 if I'm good. Something shocked me over the past few days, I need a shock to my system, a shock to my body and a shock to my mind. I need a shock to force me to up my game, not just in applying to jobs, but also in my diet, my training and my life. I'll try to not repeat myself in posts. I was thinking of not writing as much on this blog until I have different things to say. I got a random email from a website I used to subscribe to (okay I'll say what it was: hot or not) and I uploaded a picture that used shadows to hide my fatness, and i was posing and it was a self taken picture. This sounds so terribly cliche and horrid. Am I still that person? when I saw that picture I barely recognised the person behind that face. But after a few seconds, I did. It's funny how the past hits you like that. I wasn't even thinking about it. In a sense, I've moved on from then. I'm glad to have moved on. I have a lot of shit since then to move on from as well. To make peace with, as it were. There's only one way to move on and that's to get on with it. So that's what I'm going to do now. Chat later :)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Do or do not

This weekend has been incredibly busy for me, and incredibly busy for information and making observations. If anything, I feel so busy with things that I could just as easily forget the whole past 4-5 days and just get on with my week and life as if it didn't happen. I feel a distinct fatigue of information, and a result of that is that all of the stories that have come from the news, not least to mention my own life. This weekend I was at a weekend festival seeing a whole lot of musical and comedy acts. That in itself is tiring, and also (in the case of sunday) hangover-inducing. On Friday was the so-called Royal Wedding, which to my surprise, I actually watched live and quite enjoyed it. Billy Bragg in a recent Guardian article is quoted as saying that the wedding is a secret way to gain approval of the royals, I think he's right, and even I am bought from that coin. I also had some editing work to do this weekend which I (somehow) managed between the days of the festival. How I managed that I am not even sure. I woke up on Monday with a text from a friend, whom I had apologised for not meeting up with and he told me that Osama died. I thought to myself, what the fuck? I replied and said to him: 'was I asleep for that long?' as he was aware that I would have a hangover. I then went to a family barbeque. Upon getting home, I realised that I had a whole lot to do from tuesday, I made a start on GReader today, as well worked on a crazy schedule plan over the next 12 days.How I will survive it is anyone's guess, but now it is tuesday, there is a big mess on my table and now I'm going to start tidying up. One step at a time. This morning I woke up feeling pretty low, I got out of bed quite late (1130). I know that I have a lot to work on, in terms of the diet (I've eaten way too much lately), in terms of my schedule and in terms of my life. I need to put it up a gear. I always say this, now I need to just do.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

I haven't fully run out of credit

Dear Diary, I have a distinct feeling that my emotions are slowly trnasparent to myself. In addition, what I'm feeling is some kind of anger, exasperation and oddly enough anxious frustration. It would feel weird that anxiety would cause a sense of anger, I guess because I turn it in on myself and it makes me reflect on my inadequacies. I have decided my outfit for the rest of the day, it's simple but perhaps effective. I really need to go to the gym next week. I have so much to do, it seems. Not least the book review that is overdue now. So today is another session at the Camden Crawl. I do not know what to feel or think. My parents were having an argument downstairs. My dad refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, and gets terribly defensive, and my mum is trying very hard to make things work. Maybe every couple has their problems. Even being in proximity to them is giving me influence on my character. I miss the person I used to be with mia, mia gave me distance and critical focus to be apart from the riffraff of normalcy. Now I am a part of it, not even normalcy, the failure to achieve the latter: mediocrity. Everything about my outlook has been corrupted. I have imbibed the cup of failure and it has inebriated me. I wish I could be successful,with a decent income and with a life that isn't pathetic or that i have to justify myself to others. I feel a sense of fatigue. Not necessarily a distinctly physical fatigue (for I feel fairly awake, and that breakfast and shower definately perked me up), but more a mental one, a weariness that makes me want to escape. Towards the end of the Camden Crawl I was listening to an act called Ghost Poet and some of the lyrics concerned a certain sense of disillusionment. since the crowd was so large, I didn't need to pretend to have a great time, although I was fairly pleased. I just put my head down and closed my eyes, a plaintive and mellow introspection to counter my extreme fatigue at that moment. I'm not quite sure if I'll make all of it today. I feel pretty tired and also very worn down. I am glad that I still have a friend who is willing to do things with me. I haven't fully run out of credit for everything.

Training in the gym helps to train me for life, but life is a much harder workout.

Dear Diary, it's nearly 3am and i am back home from a night out. I almost sound like a real person living this experience. I went to the Camden Crawl on Saturday morning/afternoon and we went to see a few performances. It was pretty diverse and we did get to see a lot of acts which were high quality. At the end of the night I started to feel worn down and anxious, but I tried not to let on. There was a fight almost about to break out when I was watching Saint Etienne at Koko, and there were some really drunk girls who were falling over, being in such close proximity to me made me feel uncomfortable, and also made my vigilant self keep an eye on them in case anything kicked off that I'd need to get involved with, and not on the music. Camden is a place that has a lot of sorts of people, many nice people, many diverse people, but also lots of people who make me feel uncomfortable. For what its worth the subculture people don't bother me at all, its the ticket touters, shifty looking youths with poor english and speaking aggressively, tramps who tell people to fuck off after they ask for money and people trying to do a hard sell. Being in public places is a big drain on me, and having my friend there helped a bit. However I felt that after 11-12 hours walking about camden, I reached my limit halfway through the DJ kennedy gig at the barfly. All in all, I had a great evening, but I feel so incredibly tired and I also think that's giving me a bit of a low feeling right now. I felt myself pushing a limit later in the evening when it came to dealing with my anxieties, it was like when I'm on the treadmill and I'm circling the point of failure for my muscles, I am edging closer and closer but I know in the gym I can stop and walk away. In a concert venue there is a crowd of 1000 or more directly in front and are difficult to navigate, not least to mention the social obligation that my friend is also there. Training in the gym helps to train me for life, but life is a much harder workout. I feel too tired to even wank, although an orgasm would be nice.