Sunday, March 24, 2024

Saturday 23rd

 2024


On this day: 2024: climbing for the first time, went with Mu and Chris with E, Jean. My bodyfat is just around 27.0 (26.8% on 24th the day after), I was terrible at climbing compared to Mun and Chris and Ethan but I had so much fun and I felt affirmed. Before then I was playing piano. I went to the gym but I forgot my keys so I didn't get any running done. I ended the day not quite at 200 points, 184 which I'm happy with.

0811
24/03/2024

 Tucking. Lately I've been tucking. I've not 'lately' been doing it. I've been doing it since my balls dropped over 25 years ago. I never knew it was a gender thing until recently and now I do it's changed a lot of things for me. I guess that's kind of a big part of realising I'm nonbinary.


I should say for confirmation I still use he him pronouns and I'll refer to myself as a man. But ...I have to make space for something different inside me after this revelation. In recent weeks I've bought tucking tape and medical tape that I try to do the process myself. This week I tried the latter and the tape was really sticky and painful to remove. 


What is tucking? for it me it means I need my balls in a lifted position (the one it was in before it dropped when I was 12-13 or so) because it feels more right to me. How can I explain that it feels right to me? Well after tucking I feel capable of doing 1300kcal+ workouts and still wanting to do more. I feel more myself than I ever have...in some ways. It does mean I'm dependent on wearing a pair of shorts all the time or else I don't feel that assurance or sense of self. I've become hooked on the increased abilities it gives me. It feels positive. I know some people will judge. 

 Achilles Schema goals achieved:


Get to 31.5% bodyfat (24/09/2023)




Get to 31.4% bodyfat (11/12/2023)



get t 31.3% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.2% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.1% bodyfat (11/12/2023)

Get to 31% bodyfat (24/09/2023)

get to 30.9% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)Get to 30.8% bodyfat (02/01/2024)



Get to 30.7% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

get to 30.6% bodyfat (02/01/2024)


... IT GOES ON


Weight,: 102kg (set 02/12/2022)

Body fat: 28%







get to 105.5kg (21/01/2024)


get to 98 kg

Friday, March 22, 2024

 3 things I'm positive about this week:


  • I've been sleeping better
  • I've had positive pro social relationships lately
  • I've lost more weight and not too quickly
  • More importantly my bodyfat's gone down
  • I have a fighting chance to do my projects

Saturday, March 9, 2024

 ABC Please: 09 March 


A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met with J this week spontaneously

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - I started playing piano again

C: Cope ahead: This is an area I am working on constantly but I think I'm better this week than I was last week

P: Physical illness prevention: I've had really low energy and ...possibly 'mia' has come back

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been running myself down a lot

E: Exercise regularly: now here's something weird: I'm working out less this week, but my bodyfat is the lowest it's ever been and I'm possibly the fittest I've ever been in other ways. I've reached a new level in my physicality (just hit under 100kg), and I think the way I do things now is a bit different now I'm sub 100. Different weight class now

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I don't think I had a deliveroo this week...ahh am I gonna get one tonight??

S: Sleep healthy: some insomnia, shotness of sleep but...I think the sleep has been good in the sense that my weight loss and bodyfat have not led to flare ups in that regards

E: Eat healthy --- i dont think I'm reliable on this. I have lost a *lot* of weight lately. The last time I lost weight this quickly was the terrible and unsayable panic problesm of 2017 and the 2007-2008 year when I had an eating disorder



Friday, March 8, 2024

 My hopes for the future:


  • A space in my life for love
  • A space in my life for Mia
  • A space in my life for healing
  • A space in my life for happiness
  • A space in my life for expressing my genderfluitiy
  • A space in my heart for resolution
  • No more distress
  • No more sleepless nigths
  • no more despair
  • no more heartbreak
  • no more disappointment
  • no more sadness
  • no more shame
  • no more lonliness

Sunday, March 3, 2024

 ABC PLease : 03 March 2024


A: Accumulate positive experiences - I do 121s with colleagues to check in on their wellbeing, I went on a wholesome day out yesterday with Caro and it was just affirming and fun

B: Build mastery in activities that make you fee lconfident and not helpless: I am working on clearing my backlog

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm struggling with this but I'm doing my best on this. Perhaps an area of improvement

P: Physicla illness prevention: I have been unwell lately

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I think I might be doing badly with this

E: Exercise regularly: I'm exercising enough but I don't think I did as much as last week

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I had a single guiness this week

S: Sleep healthy : I am trying not to work into the night

E: Eat healthy : I've lost weight and bodyfat lately. i rhink that's a good sign, right? 


I've *really* lost a lot of weight and bodyfat. 

 Let me summarise recent events as follows


1. I lost a lot of weight lately, will i keep it lost? don't know

2. I'm dealing with gender issues and ...going through some healing and going through asking for some help

3. I am opening up inside myself and some of that involves a softer me, a more vulenrable me and a more authentic and happier me. I didnt' know this was possible to some degree

4. I feel like with everything going on im right on the edge of things, of sanity, of health, of a brekadown, of a breakthrough. 


I should update this blog more but ...busy and low energy. I spent last 5 hours working on stuff. Probably need to sleep soons. 



 Weight goals achieved - this is positive


get to 30.8% (06/08/2023 target)


get to 30.7% (06/08/2023 target)




get to 30.6% (06/08/2023 target)




get to 30.5% ('06/08/2023 target)


get to 30.4% (06/08/2023 target)



get to 30.2% (06/08/2023 target)


get to 30.1% (06/08/2023 target)


get to 30.0% (06/08/2023 target)