Monday, February 24, 2020

This week in 2020

Monday: I have been told by management that I'm being taken off the pop culture magazine. I have mixed feelings about this. At first I had a sense of loss but then i began to accept this.

Wednesday: someone from The Sentinel leaked on private eye about something I'm involved with. I also have mixed feelings for this. I told HR and they have my back on the issue

Thursday: I had a phone call with a UK media industry networking group. I've been invited to be a rep for a wider industry group of people. After there was the pride group with a lot of momentum around the pride celebration

Friday: Emailing cartoonists and some professional people behind the scenes about my involvement for LGBT representation in the company. I've been really busy and overwhelmed.

Saturday night/Sunday morning: Watching Wilder-Fury with the boys. Afternoon: went to a birthday party at my brother's. He's 40.

I often go into what happened in previous years but the present has been interesting.

Let's talk about previous years ever so quickly as part of my sunday night/monday morning round up:

2011: I was at a charity event at work (when I worked in events) and I saw Bryan Adams and Katie Melua - that was odd
2012: I saw the band Alcest and Les Discrets - probably the coolest i'll ever be
2015: One of the first time my balance went and stayed above £1000 in savings
2015: Received the Merkur 36c razor. The blades I later got only costed about £30, I still have them in my bathroom cabinet
2017: The current editor of the pop culture magazine (speaking from 2020) left the desk in 2017, his homecoming seems like foreshadowing when I frame it like that
2018: Pay rise agreed to £30.4k

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Hello friend,

I am currently watching a documentary on universal credit [https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000fjrq/universal-credit-inside-the-welfare-state-series-1-episode-3], the benefits system which is to be rolled out in the UK.

My mind goes back to 10 years ago when I was unemployed. The memories of seeing people have public breakdowns in the job centre and every two weeks trying to justify my existence and applying for jobs I probably wouldn't get in the present day.

In recent months and weeks, I don't really look back much. I don't look forward either. I'm reminded of my 2nd year of uni with the anxiety and how bad that was. But I am also cognizant of the fact that my life then doesnt compare to my life now.  All of the situations in the documentary do make me think that my life could go that way at some point if I ever went south. And so its important to keep fighting. That's what I have been doing of late.

So with that in mind let's think of gratitude, I am thankful for:


  • My friends
  • My mum and dad
  • Central heating
  • Being in an area not currently flooded
  • Having a job
  • The amazing people who run the transport services
  • My local newsagents who stock my favourite drink, nutriment. 

I've had difficulties with eating and going outside lately. I barely manage to make it outside and with my food I drink nutriment which is basically a meal replacement drink, fortified flavoured milk.

'Fortified'. that word triggers me. 

In other news, I've been invited to an art event and I might email the nice woman I met at an event a couple of months ago to let her know I'm going.


17 February: over the years

I came across a day that I feel has some kind of cosmic significance. February 17 over the years:

2009: My graduation. In absentia. I think I regret not going to my MA ceremony now.

For the longest time I had a belief that I'd see a graduation ceremony again. Perhaps not...

2014: I went to see Pascal and Ami Roge perform the music of Ravel in Maida Vale. When I got home I did some preparations for a big dinner that I cooked for the badminton guys. To this day I still remember cooking that meal.

I realise that there was 5 years between my graduation and that concert. Those 5 years feel further apart than the 6 years since 2014. Like a bell curve or something

2015: I'm working on the features desk. It was really busy working as a casual editorial assistant. I get the impression that I was working on a lot of sections at that time and it felt really good having lots of work opportunities coming my way. I left a note asking future me what I'm doing in present day.

Well 2015 me: Suzy on features sits 2 desks behind me. I'm not a senior assistant and cartoon editor and I make 3 times the amount that I did 5 years ago. Despite this I realise that I'm still a way off the mortgage ladder and even though I have savings I am not in the best of ways health wise. Perhaps things are good but I'm looking at things through the eye of the needle at the moment. Let's carry on

2018: I buy a pusheen duvet set. I still have it. I am having night terrors. I went to LBT but not the other saturday classes. I have a new weekend routine because of [redacted].

Perhaps I should move on.

2020: The manager at work emailed to say she's taking me off of one of my sections. I've been working on that section for over 4 years and now I'm leaving. I feel a bit sad about that. I feel anxious too, threatened, even. I wonder if this will be a positive....

A lot in 11 years. I'm a completely different person. Here's to another 11.

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18/02/2020

Saturday, February 15, 2020

In praise of my friends

Lots has happened in life over January and February. Also: lots hasn't happened.

Side stepping the above entirely lets speak of gratitude. I feel that its important to express gratitude more:

In praise of my friends


  • I have friends who are only a whatsapp away
  • I have friends in different time zones
  • I have friends I can laugh with, that I can cry with
  • I support my friends when I can
  • I express emotional candour with my friends
  • I have worked towards removing toxic friendships and relationships. To such a degree I feel that I'm the toxic one in their connections
  • My friendships have had a long past
  • My friendships have a bright future
  • I love the people who are my friends.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Dear Diary,

I have continued to be unwell lately. I am able to work, go to the gym, eat, shower and shit. But not much more than that.

I will work on gratitude for my recent abilities and focus on those and not what I haven't been able to do.

So lets think about ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I have met some family recently
B: Build mastery - well I have been doing a bit of gym despite my illness
C: Cope ahead - I try to set out a plan for the day to structure and dissipate my anxiety. My paper diary helps

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm going outside, doing my steps and keeping active. I'm trying to eat when I can but not overeat.

L:  Low vulnerability to diseases - pass

E: Exercise regularly - mentioned

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I don't drink and I hardly wank. I don't do drugs, maybe I should do CBD oil

E: Eat healthy: I'm not doing so good at this. I'm not eating at all on some days