Dear Diary,

This day just passing, I think I could not have done it better.

Although I woke up late, I got up and faced things. I felt a very bad nervous system shock, presumably because of all my gym training on Sunday.

Upon getting to work, things went by smoothly. I did a little bit of work, some catching up and I then went to the gym during lunch. I went to Five Guys after lunch and the weather outside almost felt like Summer. I think that's a bit wrong, we are in February and it was 17' outside. Climate Change is fucking us.

Anyway. UPon return to work, I did some things but then I left early. I could have left earlier but I had been asked to present a birthday cake to one of the chief subs. We had a bit of banter and joking at work, and a bit of banter on the social media.

I got out of the office just before 5. I got home just before 6. I wished that I got home earlier. As soon as I got home, I snacked a bit and tidied my bed. I was winding down by watching a few tech videos, which seems to be the way I wind down now. I then begin to work on my 'non priority schema'. I had a couple of tasks that I was putting off a bit: logging data on my latest fitness workouts from the book, and doing some reading catch up. I watched a whole 'box set' on Iplayer and I started watching a show on netflix: Marie Kondo something or other.

I think that I have involuntary rumination thoughts. My mind suddenly turns back to previous times in my life, and those times have poignance to the present day.

It's now midnight and this is the earliest I have ever finished up for the day. I should ideally just put an audiobook on, play spotify playlists and sleep for the day.

But something feels unfinished, something feels like it is unravelling in my mind. I feel like I'm on the verge of a disaster. Perhaps its all the brexit talk and the climate change stuff. I also feel like I'm at the cusp of a personal tragedy.

Perhaps I should just reflect and maybe even write to myself. Putting things down on paper has helped me a lot lately. I feel like today is a model day.

I also realise that some days I am really on fleek like this, and then I am not on others. Perhaps this good day is one in the bank, to prepare me for a bad day coming.

Anyway I wonder how long it takes to actualyl sleep.

Good night to you.

Not feeling too well

Dear Diary,

I'm not feeling too well, and here's why.

The past few days at work have been really challenging, but something happened that I felt broke me. I was asked on a very last minute basis to prepare a payment and a delivery. Just as that happened, I found out that the payment method was rejected and I had to use P2P, which in our company is utterly kafkaesque to prepare. There is a request form, another request form, the second request form includes going through an index of codes to find an ID, then after the second request form, I have to put it out to approvers, then approve it on oracle, then two or three approvers have to approve it, then I confirm the approval by receipting it.

Jesus fucking Christ I just can't bear it. I know that financial processes can be more efficient. It does not need to be this fucking complicated. It's one thing to obey financial compliances but this takes the piss.

I left work 'early' at around 5:40. I got home before 7. This week has been unbearable and it isn't even properly wednesday.

I might be forced to take a sick day.

Situation: hypervigilance

On Monday, I have been away from work for some period of time. I was unwell through the week and lots of things were going on. I had to prioritise my health and so I let colleagues deal with certain issues and not me.

Upon my return I found out that there were some issues which needed my immediate attention and I knew from the news on Sunday that there was going to be a major news story.

What I felt was a sense of negativity. I felt like I was imagining the worst possible situations. As it happened, many of these worst situations happened and thinking about them enabled me to create detailed contingency plans. I did however have an overly negative assessment of situations: I did not account for the fact that colleagues were supportive and that other people around the organisation recognised that my department was being stretched beyond a capacity they would be able to deal with.

There were several interrelated issues that all were concurrent with each other. They were all individual problems yet were connected with each other. I had misread an email on sunday night which meant that one situation was not as bad as I originally interpreted.

One of the ways I dealt with the problems was to take a few high level approaches:

• Avoid strategic (top down) thinking, stop trying to model the situation and think on the ground and on your feet, dealing with each individual situation as it comes. It will take too much time to calculate the solutions of each individual problem as a single abstract problem, and will take too much time to create a bigger picture of what's going on (important for financial compliance, due dilligence etc). the issue was fundamentally : recursive function vs dynamic functioning (bottom up)
• Maximise vs satisfice
• Here and now vs. how things should be

During this situation I had a few realisations:

I need to take myself away from this situation as soon as it's resolved. I need to relax or spend some time away. I need to go to the gym for a bit and do a pump. It is important to distinguish acceptable behaviour from unacceptable and unsocial behaviour. In this high pressure situation it was difficult to identify this. It was also evident from colleagues that I was under pressure. This potentially gave the impression that the situation was not under control. 

back in late november and december, I was really really pumped about the aquaman film coming out. but now that's all fizzled out and other films have since come out.

I feel i really miss those aquaman posters and i really miss aquaman related things. But the culture moves on. There are more marvel films coming out, more netflix things, more tv things, more music things and life and culture goes on.

But I still feel stuck in that mood that I adored, that mood that made so many things feel right in myself and right with the world.

It has become a moral for me. A moral about life. I remember being so excited about going to a club night with my friends in 2006. I would go to this douchebag shop called the officers club because they had cheap high street style clothes and I felt I was being a different person. Instead I was being someone else and someone defined by the cheapness of the culture and the toxicity of the culture of masculinity and no recourse, no escape from it.

I don't know who I am now. But I have things to do. Perhaps by doing, I am being.

Work has been taking a toll on me and my colleagues have been very understanding. I think that perhaps I am getting some recognition about my work. Today has been exceptionally testing. As soon as I got into work I got some rota issues, before I got into work I had to sort out a last minute thing for the opinion section. I had too much to do to be able to go to the gym during lunch, so I ended up going at 1:30. I was working flat out straight, when I wasn't working I got a sandwich and did a pump at the gym.

I snuck out early, and hoped that nobody noticed. Upon arrival at home I felt very tired and mentally unwell. I have been thinking about hypervigilance as a PTSD thing. The problem is that the things I have difficult in my life are things that I continually face.

Lets list 3 things I'm positive about:

• I am warm and relatively healthy, with food and shelter and water, I mustn't poo poo on that
• I managed finally to do the gym this afternoon. 
• I managed despite today being a cigar day, to get home early and not overeat

Things I'm positive about in the future:

• I look forward to pay day
• I look forward to more savings
• I look forward to better relationships

I'm working on the cognitive analytical therapy stuff.

What stuff? well I'm reading stuff, and trying to work the principles. I'm getting angry that somethings I'm learning about really quickly and I get all intellectualised about it with papers and references, logical sequents and so on.

I'm trying to remember what I am really doing this for. It's not one-ups on people. showing off.

I need to focus on basics. Basics meaning things that cannot be reduced to other things.

So, basic questions.

here are some I am gazumped by (definition of Gazumped: stopped me in my tracks)

Why are you so angry (also: why are you always aggressive)?

Let me get back to this later i think

What was bothering you at work lately?

At work I moved to a new part of the building. I immediately didn't like the new office space. Everything is smaller, cramped. Everything is loud and I can hear everyone conversing. There isn't enough space on my desk and the new situation is challenging for me.

I think that I avoided these feelings today. I focussed on leaving early. I did a big avoidance by focussing on going home early and buying a monitor. I kept my focus on having a new monitor with all the bells and whistles. I put my energy into something outside of work, because I realise I'm going into a new situation inside of work that I cannot change.

Another thing that's bothering me is that lately at work, I have felt constantly on edge. A senior colleague has been supervising and helicoptering around me a lot lately, that gets me on edge. I really don't like that she's around. I also have to deal with some big changes that involved very senior editors and uncomfortable things. At work we have to ask ouselves: will there still be a paper in 10 years? If so, how can we afford it, accounting for inflation and market trends?

The thing is, we can't. The models show we have to make savings, reduce the head count and reduce costs. That's a dose of hard reality. That kind of conversation puts me on edge. It seems into my behaviour in things unrelated to the big picture. When I'm putting payments through or processing data, I feel on edge. I feel on edge in case one of the senior colleagues comes by. I then feel on edge if I have pissed off any senior editors. There's so many things, internal politics, organisational goals and my own concerns about my own income.

I guess that's life. What I'm trying to say is, lots of things form the context of my mindset and then some things happen. The things that are problematic in my life: hypervigilance, constant alertness, aggression. Some people don't deserve me being aggressive to them. I'm angry at something at work, but it seems to carry over in my personal interactions.

I've observed something at work: very senior editors in the comment section really go at loggerheads at each other. Then the edition is printed. The next day they sit at the desk and work together and although all is not forgiven. It's another day, another issue and that previous confrontation was a separated thing. Perhaps that is a good way to live.

I've had some help from psychology services.

The conclusion of the session was that I need to think more about the things that are difficult. I experience frequent night terrors. I also feel hypervigilant.

I need to write more about this. I need to write about what I go through and what I feel, this is integral.

I also need to be open and I need to do actual emotional work through this process. This entails a sense of vulnerability which I think I am not willing to experience.

Dear Diary,

My tyres are worn and have got a bit less track in them.

I'ts midnight, no its not. It's nearly fucking 4am.

I'm catching up on some stuff that now seems to be my weekend routine. Let's try to sum up my zeitgeisty life right now:

I really really love coffee. Earlier this week I tried a 'bulletproof coffee' for the first time. My friend from Canada told me about it and this whole keto diet thing. I actually liked the taste of a bulletproof coffee.

I have also come to enjoy McDonald's breakfasts. I like the breakfast burger thingy. A few months ago I used to go to the Mcdonald's early to get sausage and pancakes. Not so much now. It's really fucking cold.

Other things this week: I fucked my knee, then it got better. I then pushed my chest a little bit harder than usual, but its okay. I also think that I might try a new strategem with working out: keeping a high heart rate less than keeping to the workouts that I have in the book. I mean, the book is great too but if I keep a consistently high level of heart rate, that gets the kcals down and is technically what fitness is about.

I've had a few night terrors lately. I'm not sure how to deal with them. Probably an upshot of it is the whole insomnia thing.

I've learned how to use the phrase 'upshot' properly. Upshot sounded like it was a good thing but it basically means 'bad consequence' and not good consequence. I heard a tutor in 2nd year ethics say that expression. That same tutor is now a policy advisor for a tory lord.

I really really like my chair. The gaming chair isn't comfortable in the conventional sense but it is super ergonomic and not uncomfortable.

I feel a pull of two things: being tired and needing to keep going.

Need to keep going.

Yours
Me 0359
03/02/2019