Tuesday, June 30, 2009

call me picky...

but i won't do anything like being a charity mugger.

call it what you wish, those people are scum. charity fundraiser, face-to-face street fund raiser. They are irritating people and at worst they manipulate people.

I have sent off an application to a job I may be likely to get . admin

Monday, June 29, 2009

Waiting for sunset

I have been eating exceptional foods during my fast. Call that a copout but I'm unapologetic as I've not had any 'meals' but just tidbits. Today I ate the end of a cucumber and finished off the salsa. i have also had a little bit of ryvita and yoghurt.

In other news, I have been wanking for an averag of about 3-4 hours a day (not all at once). I've been recording it on GCal. I love discounted food from sainsburys.

I bought me a birthday present. from ebay, I hope its' not shit.

verbal reasoning anxiety

I've sent off an application to a graduate law degree contract something or other.

I had to do a verbal reasoning test. It made me feel anxious at all of the pressure involved in it.

I feel that regarding my fast, I have found a stronge sense of control over my eating. I am looking forward to my meal and hope that I am sufficiently nourished for the next day.

dead ends

I am on a lot of graduate job directories, job sites and advice sites. I have a programme during my day to explore all sorts of websites, I visit them on a basis of once a fortnight to see if there are any new companies or oppurunities to apply to and send applications accordingly . I've been finding that a lot of the applications and windows are dead ends. But I still keep going.

Today I've doneone half-arsed application and about 3 speculative' enquiries.

It's 3pm, I've hardly done much today, and I am feeling like I want to eat. I have done a naughty thing during my 'fast'. I have finished off the vegetables that I had laying about on my table since monday. I had the end of a cucumber and I had ryvita and a bit of salsa. That's probably 400-500 kcals, but it's not exactly fasting if I'm eating, especially during the day. I may allow myself to eat later.

In other news, I think that my dress sense is going towards the 'military' aesthetic: smart, plain, utitaran, and masculne-phallic associations with war and guns.

I thinkthat was my latent stye anyway. I always wear steel-toe boots and utilitarian clothing anyway.Well, that's not entirely true as I have been wearing my new nike trainers for jogging or casual travelling. Actually. I've just been only wearing the Nikeys

Back to applications. I put a post down cos I was having interet lag. It cleared up so no more procrastination.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

be yourself

I have, for too long, been listening to a part of me which wanted to be a certain kind of person. A kind of person who I thought would impress a certain person.

I tried to be gothic and a bit more into the heavy metal culture than I wanted to, to try to gain the favour of Marie.
I try to be a certain kind of youth scene conception of cool to gani not only their acceptance but to accept an identity. Between 2004-6, I was lost, I tried to find myself between 06-07, in 08 I consolidated a lot of what I thought I wanted to be, A big part of that involves finding a dress sense.

Characters in plays are often said to be one-dimensional iff they only exhibit a certain tone, colour, affection, character, persona. Real life is about wearing eyeline and white tees'; it is about listening to michael jackson (RIP) and marylyn manson; radio 4 and xkcd.

I have been not listening to an inner voice, a sense of sel that I have inside me. I have been ignoring it. Part of that is because I feel disposed to being depressed if I listen to it.

I have decided that I shall do a partial fast. I shall eat only during the twilight hours. Daylight shall be a time for not eating. I'm returning to white tee shirts and clothes that aren't simply brown, blue, or black.

I'm trying to move to somewhere else, someone different, but still, staying me. I need to change, to shift, I need to improve.

An' off' day

I have 'off' days. That is, days when I am not 'on'. The difference between an 'off' day and an unproductive day is that I think taht the former is not the latter. I need to acknowledge that things aren't going so good in a day.

I woke up after a 4 hour sleep at 9am. I later went to sleep again after trying to sit up. I went to sainsburys before it closed. I got some super-cheap food which was reduced for quick sale. I bought baguettes which were 40p, two ready meals which costed 30 and 40p respectively, there was an Oreo promotion of packs costing less than half price. I bought mac and cheese (first time I've done so) and I bought some bananas and a salsa dip to finish off my celery and cucumber. I also bought, in a consolation, a packet of 99p monster munch, it is the old school packaging.

It doesn't sound like healthy food does it? It's not easy for me to accept that because I'm naturally averse to criticising myself. My girlfreidn suggested I start fasting. I am starting to consider it. Shall I do the islamic style of fast where I feast during night? That seems a cop-out if I want to prevent eating. I should start fasting. I'm just resistant because of the food I have in my fridge that may go off.

I should try.

On my way back from sainsburys I was in a real sweat. This might have been because I ran some of the way, this might have been from the heavy load I was carrying; I had a big sweat line from where the strap of my bag was. I also noted that this was why my back had often been completely drenched in sweat.

I am also suspecting that the over-sweating (if I allow to call if that), is due to a poor diet and general overweightness. I didn't used to sweat before. My girlfriend is saying to me that she preferred me a year ago, that is, when I was bulimic...

I felt happy with being topless back them. I qutie liked being topless. It was when 'limbo' began that my weight slowly came back. It was a hard fight to regain my fatness, and one I must start another battle against.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

accidie again

I woke up relatively early, applied, did some background reading on employers, set some GCal tasks, had break-lunch (namely, sausages and hash browns). Then after finishing and a bit of waiting I went out for another one of my 'big jogs'. The distance was 7.4km or just around 4 miles. When I got back, I felt a bit of pain and also immense heat. This had subsided quite quickly. I then started watching another tv series on the streaming tv. Terminator this time. I kind of have a terminator 'thing' at the moment.

I realise how my music interests are quite variable by my mood. If I listen to something enough, or too much, or for a while, it becomes stale. My test of music is that if I can get back to the formerly 'stale' music and find freshness in it, then it's a keeper. If it is immediately good listening, but after 2nd or 3rd listening I hate it, then it's terrible and kneejerk sentimentality. Evanescence and the emo stuff is like that, nice first listen, okay second listening, but after a while, it's like having a neon bright pair of trousers and trainers in your cupboard. These teenagers of today may think it's cool, but its going to get outdated pretty quickly.

I had this conversation a year ago with a girl, I probably even mentioned it here. My question was; are there things that I have worn and that I wear now that will be outdated? I try to stay away from the centre of cool, but away from the ambiguous pale of the uncool. I keep it plain, that's how I like my clothes. It's kind of hollywood too, I realise.

Protagonists in my favourite shows often dress plainly, not necessarily to the time, but in a way that is timeless, normal, efficient (ie. you can get into a fist fight, car chase, fight a cyborg, or walk into a bar) and personal.

Don't get me wrong, I like to find a person in the clothes. The person in me is changing, I suppose that leads to a change in my clothes. I bought new trainers last week, they are Nikes. I haven't bought a pair of N's for nearly 10 years. There was a time when I thought Nikes, Adidas' and Reeboks' were like some kind of royalty of shoes. I thought them the gold standard of acceptability, and the finest of wear.

What does this tell me? I could have been a 90s pikey or 00s chav.

Im currently typing while laying down. I feel a drain in motivation. I often feel the need to post if I'm distressed, busy, but never bored out of my mind or if I have little motivation. I like talking but I have no one really to talk to except my girlfriend and even then I have to go and visit her. My social skills perhaps have taken a turn for the worse and there has been a change, a shift in me, that reflects this current lifestyle of limbonics that I have right now.

I hope that after I have a wank and cum, I will get to doing a bit more. It is 6pm and I feel that I still have things a-doing today.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

a secret message

i'm upset. my girlfriend chided me. my feeling of guilt and worthlessness was justified. She thinks  I still have some kind of eating disorder. Was the fact that I purged a few days ago a mere aspect of a larger shadow, hidden to me.

I noticed earlier to the incident of my girlfriend upsetting me that my dietary intake and cooking output has changed. Since 15th Dec, when I found out I was rejected from the phd application, I felt like hiding from my housemates. One way to hide successfully from them is to avoid contact, or possibilities of contact with them. One way is to avoid spending too much time in the kitchen/living room. So, I made food that accords to that. Easy food.

I stopped and reversed the mental and emotional and dietary progress I had back towards the end of 08. I don't believe that this is a regression in the exact situation that I was once in. But this is a regression.

I'm upset at the way that she has treated me. Called me a freak, that my eating isnt normal, I'm a glutton, and other such things to that end. She calls me these things and yet says that she is not angry with me.

she hurt me. In a sense, she expresses the most hallowed and hurtful things that lay in the back of my mind and bring them right to my aware and conscious thought. I think that is only a good thing. I'm upset, I want to take it out on someone. I'm a statue, a work in progress. I need to chip away more at what excess marble is left. I used to believe I was going somewhere to some personal and intellectual standard and peak and ideal, until I was rejected from the PhD and I felt that the world is just absurd, without any real direction other than the ones that we make, and the ends that we are good enough at achieving, everything else is just sweaty failure.

estimated weight circa 205-212lbs

I used to be 160...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I need to find a job, soon.

I need to work out where I am going to live after the contract ends. I was worried about a bill that was ages ago and not related to any actual bill. My girlfriend said that if I move back to my parents, she is going to leave me in the expectation that the relationship will not work out. If I decide to move in with her, I will have to be dependent on her, and I'm not sure how long it will take to find a job.

Its up to me to make my own luck. It is up to me to find some kind of solution. Am I powerless, can I go out there and actually and successfully find a job? Or am I doomed to not only losing my job, but the source of my own wellbeing.

I wish something worked out. Im too complacent with how things are presently. What I need is to work out my life and find a solution. Or, once again, everything is lost. My girlfriend is not particularly supportive, she isn't even thinking of my own aspirations, my hopes or my goals. SHe just wants me for who she wants me to be. Does she not see that she loses me if she does that?

I'm stuck. Although I know what the solution is. Hold on to the rope and pull myself up. Once again, it is all dependent on me. That is how I must see this situation. I must not see this situation as me being out of control.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Secondary school memories

Wimbledon is on this week and the next. Wimbledon is the one thing that really spells out summer for me. I remember way back from when I was young that it was on the tv. It made me nostalgic for my school days. I thought of this just earlier: back in school, I hated break times or play times. It was a time when the kids fraternised with each other. I wanted to escape that environment. I used to stand or sit in a particular place and just stay there, I may not talk, I would just stay there.. I read a poem in primary school called 'the loner' and it was me. I was the loner.

That title, that name lived with me for so long that I accepted and embraced it. There later came a time when being a loner was 'cool', and I was seen as being a faker because I seemed to try to hard to aspire to being a loner, a later point came, I think it was at the last year of co, the year that I loved so much; when it all changed.

I was no longer a loner for then, I had good friends. I then became a loner again, but this time, in an uncool way; when I started university. But that's another story and probably one I've told this blog many times.

During secondary school I later learned that I did not need to sit outside, I could go to the library. I discovered a new set of friends and I slowly discovered new cliques and learned to join them. There was an alternative to playing some ball game or being a loner or engaging in play time (my favourite games involved star wars/generic sci fi play-alongs).

I discovered a clique, a group that I had friends with. I was half an outsider amoung the library guys, but I suppose in a way, I did have a place where i belonged. I was the library kid. Not that it matters so much anymore.

Achievements of the day

I have a method of trying to feel a sense of achievment. On google calendar, I note where I get things done during the day, I even note when and for how long I masturbate. As well as this, I also note a number a tasks which are significant enough to note in the day. Applying to a job is one thing, paying a bill is another, having a significant event, or travelling far is another I want to know that I am keeping occupied in this otherwise unfortunate life. Today I can say that I have done the following:

1. Topped up my travel card
2. Transferred monies to pay off my council tax bill (via my parent's ISA that they entrusted in my name [very naughty], which I'll strive to pay back into my account).
3. Sent off for a graduate application to a law training contract.

A large change in my life requires a change in my attitude. Crudely put, the external changes require an internal shift. In other words even still, I need to be more positive Stating these facts of what I have gotten done during th eday gives me a sense of achievement.

THe ultimate investment

There are a lot of things that construct what I feel, how I approach the world and how I find my own sense of definition.

I can listen to a lot of negative voices when I'm going through the day. Often I cannot afford to ignore such voices. Isn't it odd how we can be positive and supportive and say nicer things to people we know, compared to people we don't I tried to change that about me. I have tried to change a lot of aspects about me. Who am I at the core? I suppose that always changes. I wonder to myself how much I really stay the same, I suppose there are some aspects of me which have steadfastly stayed the same. Especially my flaws.

I got angry at my dad today. I said "don't open my mail", he replied "I know what it is". I don't really think it makes a difference about whether he knows what it is or not to counternance the principle of 'do not open private mail. My parents in some respects see me as an investment. I suppose to an extent, children are an investment. AN investment of aspirations, of passing on ideals and a bit of yourself. THen kids come up to bite and get angry and it seems like the investment has backfired. I get that.

I feel like I am a failed asset. All those books, supporting me during this terrible year of unemployment and PhD rejection.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Jog on

I purged just a moment ago. It's only been about a month and a half maybe since the last time I purged, and before that, six months.

My dad was being difficult, not answering a simple question. I gave him the option of saying that he didn't know, but for some reason that confounds me, he would not even accept ignorance when I present it as an option for his persistance to answer. It was a minor issue. The subject then came up concerning my 'rent' and the fact that I'm living off of their money. I appreciate what they do for me and it came up in some kind of way, a sentence like: you aren't making any money and you have been living in that flat for ages and you are hardly even there...

I think that was my trigger. When it clicked, I didn't even notice, but I slowly and slwoly became more irate and upset, willing to just sit in silence and accide. I moved upstairs to a more solitary space. I then purged in the toilet. Vomit consisted of: spinach, toast, baked beans, fried egg, juice.

I went for a jog today, used the 'eco gym' near the park. Tried to do some chest preseses but only managed about 30-40 reps. It was excrutiating and I felt embarrassed at staying on that machine because there were lots of fitter and tougher guys there in groups working out together, and there I was with my belly and primark jogging bottoms with my unflattering primark grey shirt trying to do a few reps. I left partly in shame, and partly because my calves were very much in pain and near to a cramp. I paused for a while and when it eased, I jogged back home. I feel horrible. I hate my current situation.

I made this bed. I suppose I should lay in it.

Changing attitudes

I am no longer trying to impress anyone. I'm just trying to get by.

I no longer feel the need to feel like being part of some youth countercultural group or identify with a 'group.

I am changing my clothing style, I'm now stylistically agnostic/lost. Im moving away from stretch shirts

I feel indifferent to the past. What happened, happened, and now I just feel like getting on.

I feel like I'm in an eternal night. I hate this feeling of sleeping and being without much money.

I have pondered writing all this down but could not find the words or effort within me, or the courage to face this. But I have. I think that once I write it all out of my system then I don't need to think about it anymore and I can move on.

Friday, June 19, 2009

An observation

I've found lately that a lot of people have bad teeth.

It's weird how suddenyl I have found or realised that a great deal of people have very bad teeth.

Achievements of today

1. I sent off my book review
2. Prepared my PhD application (number 5 i think it is)
3. Jogged 3k today
4. Did all of this despite feeling depressed today

I feel calm, not proud, but not sad. I have achieved something today. Tomorrow I travel.

I miss yummy food. I am eating like someone very poor. I guess it is fitting.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

no motivation

It's nearly 2pm.

I've mainly been in bed masturbating today. I've been checking some emails and watching the iPlayer. This is a very bad day. I feel kind of down since last night after finding out the sheer impossibility about the application I was thinking I could apply to; they would turn me down, I think. I'm going to have to try in a vain attempt. It's scary.

Time to keep going. I must get out of bed. I feel no motivation. I would go for a jog but I'm a bit in pain from yesterday. Maybe I'll force a jog out of myself later: if my clothes are dry...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Anxiety pangs

Sometimes I get anxiety pangs, it is not as often as it used to be. I perhaps think that I get less anxiety because I am in less situations where I am subject to those kinds of situations. THe kinds of situations where I feel threatened, useless, or I have done something wrong, or am lacking either in character or morally or flawed in some way.

I have to 'fake ' one aspect of the application. They want a sealed reference, but I don't have one which has a signature on the tape of it...


Time to talk alone

I don't really talk to myself, I used to. It helps me clarify my thoughts and have a sense of 'distance' from thinking inside my head and blogging my thoughts. I did the big jog today, it was 8km. I managed to get it done mostly through brisk walking. My legs are a bit sore. I quite liked having that time to myself. Now I hope to get on with doing things.

mum's relatives

My mum used to give away my old clothes, toys and other such things to her poor family back in the 'old country'. It really used to upset me when I was little seeing some of the artefacts of my childhood and early childhood being passed on to some other kids. Although I tried to convince myself that I would play with it again, I think that after all these years, I established a reluctance to my mum giving away my toys unwillingly.

If she did something like that now, I'd feel a bit upset, especially for like, my antique star wars action figures. I think with clothes that's not so bad. Many games consoles have been given away like that.

This month I have been mostly eating...

Fish fingers
Yorkshire puddings
Reggae reggae ketchup

This has been my large staple of late.

Mid-early 20s

I got up late today. Probably because the sun wasn't beating terribly on my face as t'wer yesterdee.

I am planning to go back home to  see my parents (my dad has a universal holiday called' fathers' day), which I decided to observe, as I do appreciate and love my dad. I realise that more when I see how my girlfriend's daughter hardly even has a dad. After getting up with little motivation today, I decided to get a few of those important but niggling things done: go through my accounts, buy a tifcket and finish off my review and make a start on that PhD application.

I bought a 'young persons coach card', which weirdly enough is onyl for the National Express, I think I am regretting my decision, as I already get a discount from the Funfare fees, and I also noticed that some of the 'features' of a young persons' card are a little bit redundant, like m-tickets and not being overbooked. Ummm, don't I get those things anyway???

if I were to have automatic insuraince and free m-tickets I might not complain so much, however, it did not really specify any such condition so I cannot make such a claim. On the plus side, I'm covered as a 'young person' until the last month of my 25th year! I bought a 3-year pass. God, I can't believe I'm going to be 25 in like 2 years..... I was like 21 only 2 years ago. I'm mid-early twenties.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My day (up until 2pm)

8:30 - earliest start I've had in a long time; I woke up to the tune of the sun glaring across my naked body. This is a welcome thing as I went to sleep about 3am
9am - started sitting up, then I had a wank, then I lay down, then I had another, and another. An hour passes.
10am - I manage to sit up, get up and do my daily procrastination of looking at google reader.
10-11 - I send an application for a job (see last post), sort out some discrepencies and poorly planned future days in the week. Girlfriend tells me that she may be coming to see my parents next week (as she'll be in town for a work thing)
11-12: pissing about, I don't even think I wanked, I was just wasting time
12-2: after pissing about, I decided to go for a jog to Primark at the city centre, then eat at KFC (a mini meal), which itself I struggled with. I then jogged back and took a slightly different route. On the way I also noticed how sexy some of the summer girls are, noticed a lot of fake hair, fake tans and dyed blondes. Is it really that embarrassing to be ginger? Anyway...

Now I'm back, I stopped by a newsagents (probably the only one owned and run by white people, I noted) for a coke and I'm back here estimating the actual distance I went: I jogged/walked 6km

essay scam?

I have unwittingly sent an application for a job with an essay scamming/plagiarism website. They said they needed writers with academic experience and a postgrad degree. I thought I fitted that mould so applied, I looked them up later and they were one of those essay mills...

I'm planning more applications and things to do today. I think I shall venture out and get some pants and socks...you know, stuff I need

Thursday, June 11, 2009

evil secretary

The aforementioned evil secretary is voluntarily retireing due to the plans of 'schoolification'. It is sad to know really. Although she still makes me feel at unease. The university I once knew is changing into something evil

one of those days

On the day that I discovered that I didn't get into the PhD. I think it was the 16th December 2008. I felt such a powerful sense of distress. That day, and the subsequent thoughts, determined a great deal of my thoughts and actions since then. That moment was a self-realisation and a moment to change. The first thing I had to do was 'undo' all of the immediate situation I am currently in now. That involved acknowledging it which was quick. but also acting.

I was at my girlfriend's for a fair few days when I found out. It was then that my girlfriend bought a DVD of In the Night Garden. It has since had a special significance. I like the way that it is easing, calm, innocent, non-judgmental and friendly. "Don't worry Igglepiggle".

Today I shall decide to act.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

keeping busy hides my one realisation


I'm lonely


Relationships are characterised by compromises. My girlfriend wants me, tacitly, to give up looking for a PhD and stay with her. I am not inclined to do so: I will better find a job and internship if I'm in a bigger town: especially in terms of oppurtunities for a MA holder. Another thing is that I have found a placement that is advertised that I want to apply to within this week. This advertised vacancy is my last chance at a PhD for now. The 'Gf' said that she will dump me if I go away and she will find someone else. It's a bit upsetting and I think that if we break up I will fall into depression again. On the other hand I am defined (or used to be) by my aspirations. If I give up my aspirations, I might as well not be. It was the very qualities that I had as an aspiriing academic that made me attractive to her, and now I must give that up to keep a relationship.

Either decision will change and define who I am.

Let's see how it goes. In consolation, at least I have this diary of thoughts.

In other news, I went to see the doctor about my persistent skin problem, also my suntan has turned into a sun burn on my shoulders.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

anxiety of the day

as I came back to my flat, I found a letter from a solicitor asking for insurance details regarding my recent traffic accident. I don't have the details but my girlfriend does so I mailed it to her. I am quite upset and distressed about the letter, I called my girlfriend and she's angry because 'we already gave him the details'.

I hate having to always apologise for her and keep her calm. I don't want the stress of having to keep her from making any more trouble adding to my already difficult anxiety about the current situation. She's making it very difficult for me. I want to make this event pass as much as she does but I wish she wasn't always defensive about it.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Bad riddance

I have been informed by a bigshot phd student who did an MA in my year that the departmental office is going to be closed down. This means that the secretaries of the department are going to be laid off. This gives me a mix of feelings; one is that I am quite saddened as they do a very good job at what they do and the alternative 'schoolification' of the university and faculty will not be sufficient for the needs of the department I was in.

Another thought also is a little vindictive; the departmental secretary never treated me nicely, as if she knew about my mental illness and made me feel stupid and stigmatised for it. She always used to belittle me and make me feel idiotic for my mistakes. The dept secretary had a lot of power, there was a rumor that she binned a lot of PhD applications for the prestigious studentship that bigshot got. Its not so much a rumour, but an admission by staff and a couple of students. She made me feel very uncomfortable, but I don't judge her title for that, just her as a person.

Despite that, I still feel quite sad for anyone losing their job. Even if they were mean to me, that was my problem, not theirs.

skin problems

Lately, I've been having quite persistent skin problems. Here's the catalogue:

1. 3-6 year old dermititis on face
2. 3-5 month old finger skin upset (I'm trying to get a doctor seeing to it - not yet booked an appointment but I have registered as a patient)
3. New/recent finger skin upset

Thursday, June 4, 2009

zeitgeist of today

It is tempting to go and lay down and have a wank until 5pm and then go to somerfield and scoff while watching more porn afterwards.

I shall try to do more today. Today I voted, came home from my girlfriend's place, unpacked, checked letters, checked my balance and so on.

I applied to do a volunteering thing for my (former) university. I think that volunteering is my next step in life; since looking for jobs is a continul thing and I must keep busy even if things are difficult. I shall apply to do some volunteering and see if that helps me. I am also quite worried that my housing benefit/council tax benefit hasn't come in yet: I should have been paid £560 at the first of the month; I need that money to pay for my council tax.

At the moment I am to keep myself busy. My book review is planned to be complete in 16 days. I must get to that pretty hurredly and have scheduled a reading plan. It's weird being back 'home' again. It's lonely. I feel like things are quite bleak but all I can do is persist and see if my life can be made better by me and my innovativeness.

A noted change in my personality is that i am listening to a lot of self-help podcasts: improving my grammar, manners, and listening to comedy and radio 4 documentaries. It is as good as music for me; although that said I have found a slight minor shift in my musical palette currently, I am yearning a bit more for the darkness again.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things I did this weekend

Tried to have sex in a tent
went into a sauna
had a shamanic healing/singing session
went to a talk from a guy named greg sams: inventor of the veggie burger
saw naked people: MILFS and topless sexy women in their 20s; naturists and nudists (ugly); weird punks; and people in the sauna (mostly naked guys)
pissed off by girlfriend's daughter's dad
ate lots of hog roast
saw a dubstep and reggae band
went to talk to hippies
was nice
was a hero
sweated a lot
had a tan
had a car crash
was in shock

A brief post: might write more later about it. Might not either