Dear Diary,

 

I keep lots of RSS feeds on the world, lots of tabs, twitter, google reader, dossiers on google documents, knowing more about the world depresses me. Over the past couple of days, motorists have been panic buying, there has been news of a possible further recession. I can't really take it. These national and social issues are really getting me down. You might ask: how is this really affecting me? I'll tell you how, I have a friend from uni who is now an executive director of a thinktank. I have another friend who is on the 50% taxation line (i'd rather not know why).

The conclusion? I'm a fucking failure. I'm in a really dark place in my mind. The strange thing is that I'm depressed and lucid at the same time. I have all my faculties while facing the shadow of death. The economy is a cunt. I can't put up a brave face anymore

ran out of spoons

Dear Diary,

There is something about a heatwave that expresses how I feel right now.

Stuffy

Insufferable

Listless

tired

cannot move

hard to do anything

distracting

unproductive

 

 

I think I'm depressed. Not from an emotional point of view, from a clinical one. It sucks. I did do a fair bit today in my defense. I did the hard stuff that I've been meaning to do that took a lot of C-points from me. I ran out of spoons too early I think.

There are moments in the day, like now where I have a little flash, a sweeping feeling of despair. I think to myself: why bother going on? Everything is so fucking hopeless and the world cannot permit me to be what I really am.

Then it's the hard part, carrying on while knowing this. I have to stand up and carry a printer downstairs, then leave the house for some errands, and I feel that its all fucking futile. I'm going to end this blog post, stand up, put the printer down, get into another pair of trousers and then go outside. but there's no point at all. No fucking point.

'like being drunk, only healthier'

Dear Diary,

10:30 am is the earliest I have gotten up for quite a while. I think that I might use the time to go out and have a haircut, I will also venture to send off a CV to the agency. The past few days have cleared up a few tasks. It's just a matter of getting on with the routine. If I can uphold this pace and more then I'd be doing well. It doesn't stop me from being mentally exhausted. I am trying to organise my reading a bit more as well. I'm reading for an online book group, plus I'm doing a book review. I've consulted someone in the interest of possibly organising an interview for said book review. I also realised its about 6 weeks until the exceptionally fun prospect ofgoing to a stag party.

I had a balance class yesterday. It was hard, most notably the balance part, not so much the yoga/pilates part, although that was hard too. I'm thinking of doing a pilates class tonight. Maybe after I finish off some weights. I'm a glutton for punishment. There is something nice about feeling exhausted after a gym session. I think it is the fact that I am incapable of any decent thought and so I can't worry. It's like being drunk, only healthier. Although I'm sure both cause heart damage after extended periods.

 

Onwards

"...I can deal with it tomorrow"

Dear Diary,

I've sent off 5 job applications today.  It's been a fucking long time since I've done something like that. I think it's a bit too late to do the gym. I set these tasks at around 1400 today and set a timeline in which I'd complete all of my job searching and applications. As it happened, I was only 30 mins over, which means that I was pretty good at guessing how long an extended activity like that would be.

I've observed that over the last week or so I've not kept up with the gym as much as I should. I'm not sure why this is actually. I can testify that friday was a fatigue day, then I went out on Saturday (and was also fatigued), sunday (yesterday) was a re-adjustment to regular activities and then I caught up a little bit. Today I have advanced on keeping up on my timetable. I am possibly behind on my Greader items but not by a big margin. In addition I have started to catch up on my stray tabs that are opened with regards to emails. Considering how much I've done today, I think none of that really matters. I can deal with it tomorrow.

I think I might just relax until tomorrow, or jack off, or watch some tv, or if I do catch up, it's a cherry on the top; the icing on the cake. I'll try to do a double session tomorrow since I couldn't do one today.

Anxiety quotient

Dear Diary,

 

The less I post, the more I seem to have to say. I'm back from a night out with a couple of the boys. It was local as it happened. I didn't drink any alcohol, just a couple of glasses of cranberry. I felt awkward there, there were lots of pretty boys and girls out tonight and I wasn't the kind of fellow who would normally talk to strangers. It was a different crowd of people, my mate's brother (who I went airsofting with) and his girlfriends friends. It was nice to see him all the same.

I decided to go home at midnight and then I ate a bit at a local chicken eaterie. There was a fellow who went to my school who recognised me, and we shook hands and had a dignified 'ah so we survived jesuit school together'. Then a drunk woman interupted and joined in our conversation. As the events panned out, we were at the same table with said drunk woman and were talking about various things. The lady was kind of cute, although drunk, and potentially outrageous. I was quiet and reserved and listened. I found her amusing just by virtue of talking to a stranger and probing the outlet of my anxiety. I learned that this woman went to a school near me, also knew a school near my old university that I knew some people went to at my old Bristol days, and then she went her merry way, and so did I.

The lady commented that I was very kind. Presumably because she was so blind drunk few would want to take her seriously. I suppose I also didn't have that 'creepy' vibe to me that is so prevalent on nights out. I often get told that I'm a kind person, or a nice person, sometimes caring. I never feel its possible that I can accept those kinds of ascriptions. I do like being 'the smart one' though. On the way home I saw a pair of women walking drunkenly, I computed that they were going to fight. They looked like two friends fairly drunk going home, my hunch was that a confrontation was going to brew on the basis of their body language. Guess what? I was right. I got my friend to take a video out of our my perverse sense of knowing that I'm right about these things. Also, I am a voyeur of the social.

So I'm home, it's saturday night, and I was out like a normal guy in his 20s should normatively do. I didn't drink, and my friends are quite tolerant of that. I still feel sad, however. I feel sad because I'm lonely. I feel sad because my anxiety tingles in so many of my social interactions. When I am around people at work, I am performing a role and so there isn't so much of an emotional cost. Outside I am in my civilian clothing and I felt slowly eaten by the interactions. I was at a meetup.com event meetup thingy today, it was nice. I got to see some new people. In addition, I also got some cool new books. I even got a 2nd copy of Goffman. I fucking love Goffman.My body has been really tired since after work on Thursday. Friday was slightly recovery, then today was also slight recovery. I ate a lot of junk. I also ate a lot of junk food. My anxiety is eating me a lot today. I'm glad that I went out though. I'm not glad what it's doing to me.

 

Today was really great in terms of the weather. I also got aroused slightly by seeing more of the sandals and bare feet about. There is something liberating about going out just in my t-shirt. Thursday was a long day. After work, I did the gym and then pilates immediately afterwards. It was brutal.

I think I should do something bold and ask a girl out. However, I've reached my quota this month of activities.

sign o the times

Dear Diary,

I could say the usual things: oh I'm so busy, oh I've not done enough, oh there are so few results. I'm going to talk about a couple of other things instead.

Merv's dad has been laid off. Merv's dad has had mental health issues for a while, and he's been on doctor's note absence for a few months and possibly years. Merv's dad has reportedly been bullied at work and he's been dismissed because of a testimony that he attacked his manager, which Merv's dad denies. Merv's dad isn't getting help from the unions as they see it as a closed matter, and he can't afford a solicitor (the cruel irony is that his wife worked at a firm, until she was laid off earlier last year). It's terribly sad, and I'm reminded of a megadeth song: Sign O the times. It's fucking sick, I hate the fact that government isn't listening to people like Merv and Merv's dad.

I'm getting on with tasks now. Very much to do.

I'm just a little black raincloud

Dear Diary,

It's about 1:30am when I've started to write this post. The past few days have passed me by too quickly for one's own good. Fatigue has ruined most of my day. I have done the following on Wednesday: I've prepared for an interview, replied that I will go to an interview, been invited for an interview (yesterday), I got a blog entry posted as a guest submission, I've recieved a new book review assignment on the role of appearance and sexual attractiveness as a form of social advancement. I've applied to a job, sent off a shift list for next month (not many shifts) plus I've gotten a clean bill of health from my GP regarding hair loss anxiety.

On Tuesday after work, I did a long session (2 hours) at the gym, then I did badminton. After which I was pretty tired but it did not show. Wednesday (today being thursday) it did show, as I was conked out in the afternoon and most of my daylight consciousness was gone by then. I sought to prep for the interview as well as catch up on other stuff. I think that lately my activities have been catching up in one way or other where each day I do a good amount of catching, but still something may get in the way to push things back. I think this is just the condition of real life.

I want to go on a date. I want to go out. I want to do something fun, that involves people, that may even involve flirting or kissing or cuddling. I will have to wake up in a few hours to prep for an interview, at that point I shall then advance to said interview, get it done and then go home.

I feel a bit miserable today. Partly because I feel like there is so much going on, so much planned and so much to do. I have to practice a repetoire for my cousin's wedding, I have an upcoming performance with the choir. I'm thinking of getting more involved with the community group; I want to do more fitness classes; I want to train harder so I might do tough mudda; I want to get some semblance of a life; I want to earn more and gain independence in my life; I want to be achieving in my life and maybe do something academic; I don't want to be so lonely.

It's nice to get my intentions out there, even if in an anonymous blog as this. This is my intention balloon. I've filled it up with air and I'll see if it falls or rises when I press 'publish post'. I hope the interview goes well tomorrow, but I expect that it won't.

Onwards.

High Standards

Dear Diary,

I want to talk about the past few days. Over the past few days I have...

• Committed myself to doing a first performance with the choir I joined
• Got asked out by a lady
• Invited to an interview that I had to turn down, but I also did (for another role) an online test
• Applied to 5 jobs (could be better)
• Did 5 training days last week
• Agreed to play at my cousin's wedding
• Agreed to see radiohead with my brother

 

oh...that's about it. I thought it was more when I was thinking about it in my head. To be honest, the one goal that really matters to me is whether I get a full time job and how many applications I send off per week to meet that goal. I'm nowhere near the targets I've set, but I'm still working. I'm really glad that I've done so many training days  at the gym, doing classes and doing jogging with my mate. I've got lots of things to plan for the next few days, and I hope I hear back from the girl who asked me out. The woman happens to be a comedian, I think that's awesome. I don't want to say too much about her, mostly because I don't want to out myself or who she is, but needless to say, I wouldn't have thought I'm her type. Maybe its just a friends thing, that's good too :)

To think that after all these things in the past week I find my week boring or uninteresting, uneventful and underachieving, shows that I am setting a high standard for myself. There's much to do. Just now I finished the equivalent of 18 hours of scheduled minor tasks. I have a fuckload more to do, but I'm working to avoid an overflow. Playing too many games is my problem lately!

Back to work...or maybe I'll have a lunchbreak.

anxiety has gone down from last post

Dear Diary,

 

I've convinced myself that my high forehead is no higher than heath ledger's hairline in the batman film, notable too that my hair is quite the same. Nobody would ever consider joker to be bald, would they? Anyway, my anxiety has subsided, but I do feel I need to talk to a doctor. My job situation and other real life shit is manifesting as hairline worries. I'm not very well in the head.

I've been trying to get on with a few tasks today, albeit at a slower pace. I have the fortune of waking up early today. I have a lot to catch up with. I suppose I would do well if I just went on with it, however long it would take and just hope for the best. I want to try and relax today, my anxiety is becoming a problem and I dont like how it makes me feel. It makes me feel isolated and causes me a lot of distress. I'm trying to separate my anxiety from me as a person. I should see it as something not internal to me but some chemical imbalance or some shit like that.

All weekend I was saying to Antonia that I have so much to do, now I have to do it and I'm thinking of her. Life is strange like that. I still love her, she still loves me. A shame that it won't work. I need to stop thinking like that. I have a dissertation proof-reading assignment, and I've already been paid for it. I should focus on how cool that is.

copper lining

Dear Diary,

Since last night I've had a bit of an anxiety issue, because of my receding hairline. It may be that I don't have a receding hairline and I'm over-worrying about it. The anxiety feels very real though. I managed to wake up quite early and I have gotten off to a decent start this morning. I'm doing some job searches and getting on slowly. I might make the best of a day where I feel awful. Spending the weekend with Antonia reminds me of how much I miss human touch, social contact and interactions.

In other news, I've gotten £60 to proofread a dissertation. Monies which I consider welcome in my account. I wouldn't call it a silver lining to my horrible feelings right now, but maybe a copper one.

Continuity and change (a week in review)

Dear Diary,

 

It has been a helluva weekend. I'm not sure whether to talk about it or not. I went to see my ex, then things went wrong which wasn't her fault or mine (technically it was the fault of a burst pipe leading to a sewage explosion in her garden). We had a sort of fight, we had sex and cuddles and then I went home early in the morning. I got back around 9:50, and there is something satisfying about a train journey from an unfamiliar place, with lots of people fresh faced with the whiff of coffee in the air and a sense and buzz of motion in life.

Getting home, I then saw an interesting thread on facebook and then commented on it, it was surprisingly intellectual for my friends. I then went to help at the community garden, then my jacket (which I've had for over 4 years) tore and a button came off, and I was soaking and covered in shit at the garden. Funny enough that makes it twice in 2 days where I am covered in shit with ill equipped garden tools. When I got home, I had a shower, took some lunch and then went to sleep while Edward Gibbon addressed the increasing significance of germanic tribes against the stability of Roman rule in the 2nd century.

I slept not only for 4-5 hours, but I also missed a visit from my uncle and aunt. I was in the same area that my uncle lived in earlier today. This is the uncle who recently died that I'm referring to, and it wasa bit emotional to pass through the area. I miss my uncle, and there are a lot of things going on in life that can be awfully sobering. Seeing my ex and her daughter living in near-poverty and the latter's educational underachievement problems at school upsets me in ways I do not know how to express. I want the best for them, truly. There is a part of me which often wants to try and save people. There's also a part of me which realises that some battles I just cannot fight and its for other people to hold the fort.

I was hoping to do the gym today, but soaking wet clothes and a gym bag say otherwise. I have a jacket that is torn, a jacket that I bonded very strongly with once upon a time, as it represented 'thin me' when I was purging. Now that jacket is outdated, faded and doesn't fit an older version of me. I need to get a new jacket and I need to get a new backpack. I've had my backpack since 2001, when I was in the USA on the month before the terror attacks (probably the best time before the worst time to be in the USA as a brown person).

If there is a theme for this week it may be the theme of my 'A' level exam in music: change and continuuity. Lots of things have stayed the same that are a bit tired. My job situation for instance, but also my clothes, my bag is worn out and torn up, my jacket is faded from a dark navy blue to a sort of navy blue and colour faded grey-white tinge; my boots are covered in shit. I returned to my ex and a lot of the nice feelings and some of the not-so-nice feelings. Returning to her made me think of the things that I hate about myself. I try to avoid remembering things. I've spent many pages in this blog talking about memories, sometimes its nice and helpful and illuminating to think about memories, sometimes its comforting and cathartic, sometimes its necessary (in case of anniversaries) as a form of reflecting upon the important things. Revisiting my ex was revisiting myself.

Some things that my ex said to me over the weekend made me shiver a little bit. Antonia said that she missed me very much, but the 'me' of that time is no longer. I am a different person now and so is she. I still love her and I probably always will. I have my own life now, and as shit as it can be with all the job rejections, little results and poor earnings, its mine to live. I want to say that I'm looking forward to the rest of the week and all the things that it brings, but I'm tired. I'm actually forcing myself to write a reflection post for this weekend as I'm also tired of thinking about it even when the memories are still fresh.

Here's a summary of reflections:

• I can be very sexy, intelligent, sensitive, caring, helpful and assertive. Maybe I'll be somebody's perfect partner one day. But for now there's data entry and job applications to do.
• There is a lot of adversity in my life, and a lot in those of others lives. This upsets me when its really strong adversity.
• I'm really glad that I did Pilates and Body Balance classes at the gym. I must admit that its intimidating to be in a class full of women. About as intimidating as being around a bunch of meatheads on the weight racks at the gym. The thing is, I'm turning into a bit of a meathead myself. 
• I've done arguably 4 training sessions this week (2 combined in one day in one instance). If you count gardening, that's 5 training days and not including the physically gruelling activity and anxiety involved this saturday
• I've had sex. The sex was great, but sometimes my preoccupation with feeling inadequate for not getting any female attention is overrated.
• I have to admit that I like fitting in. I feel like I'm becoming someone different. I like getting involved with my local environmental group; I like to play badminton with my neighbours; I like training with my friends and I like being someone who appears as a social being

Since I slept for so long earlier today I'm not sure if I'll end up sleeping tonight. However I'll give it a try. Coffee plus sleep deprivation plus still being drunk at 5-10am did feel nice but I think that I would like to just warmdown and catch up on healing for now. I'm pushing myself a lot lately, some of it is out of choice, much of it this week however, was not.