Thursday, June 28, 2012

I got an email from futureme, well specifically, pastme, it reads (segment)

I hope things are better for you than they are for me. I hope the interview goes well that I have next week. That probably means nothing to you now.



Dear Diary,


Today I practiced some piano for the wedding, then I sent off an item that I sold on ebay. I'm getting upset at the moment. I feel like I've lost too much time.Getting upset loses more time. Not getting jobs loses more time. Everything is drained from me. I can't take much more of this.

Dear Diary


My birthday is coming up. Too soon in fact. I'm thinking that I should start going on the antidepressants again. I was listening to a documentary that said antidepressants are good for anxiety. Better than the tranquilisers. One thing I talked about in counselling was how difficult it was for me to trust the professionals. Maybe its time to grow up and accept their help. Let go of my old beliefs and prejudices. It's time to move on with my life. Can I do that?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Yesterday: had an interview, didn't get it So I wasted the day feeling miserable and tired. Today was slightly different. Practiced piano, caught up on my correspondence, did some tutoring, got paid for it, went to the gym, lifted heavy stuff, put it down, went to body balance class, got my body so wrecked that i was grunting on the mat like i was having sex with it. I was crying tears of sadness as well as pain at the class. Nobody notices because everything in that class is nightmarishly hard. i feel shit, but I'm working on it.


I have been complacent with my diet. I'll work on this a bit more. If I lose a bit of weight before the wedding, I'll have a better fit in my suit, I fit in well into the suit, but, every little helps.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dear Diary,


There's a bit of an irony in life. I said after getting involved with the ADC at uni, that I never want to be involved in committees again, and guess what? I'm part of an environmental group working on their social media and doing good for the world in my little corner. My God, not again? It's funny how life gives you blows like that.


Maybe if I say I don't want something to happen it will. I don't want a million pounds please....

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

I've been wanking a lot more, but mosly quickies. I prefer it this way, it's strategic. Also, I will need to keep pushing today. I did great yesterday but way off target for job applications. Never get complacent. Much to do. I got upset yesterday, I'm still dealing with anger issues about 'the incident' of 2006. I'm getting anger triggers too easily. This needs to be dealt with.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Dear Diary,

A busy day is perhaps one where a lot is done, or perhaps where time goes by too quickly to linger. Unfortunately, it is not busy in the sense that I got a lot of what I wanted done.

  1. I'm getting a lot more involved with the community group project, I agreed to do a lot of things for them
  2. I did a bit of correspondence with a few of the committee today
  3. I got a few items sold on ebay last night
  4. I listed a few more items to sell on ebay, including re-sells of the last batch of things that didn't sell. I should be getting about 30 into my account because of this
  5. I've recieved another tutoring job, but not the payment yet.
  6. I've sent off my shift list for July, which accounts for the above commitments, as well as the two weddings I need to go to
  7. I followed up an advert about a guy searching for media researchers.
  8. I got invited to an interview next week! Bloody about time!! Even if I don't get it I'm glad someone is noticing me. Pay is not bad, job looks a bit dull, but if it pays, I'm gay. 

There's a lot of things to get going with, I'm off to badminton in a moment  (9), then I will see how much else I can to later today. I also found some fun piano pieces to play for thewedding. I really need to get ready for that. That means, getting a suit and getting some shoes.

Monday, June 18, 2012

deflated thoughts

So, I've cleared up nonvital tasks, caught up on a bit of the news (but always more reading to do in the starred items of GReader). I have gym planned in a moment, which will consist of going to the gym, training and then heading off to the community group meeting.


There was something in a book about procrastination that I found particularly insightful, namely the insight that people feel tired because they are bored, or sit at the idiot box (television) because they are bored. I think that sounds right to me. I lay in bed for about 20-30 mins during the afternoon because I'm bored of what I have to do in order to noticed, because its so long winded and there are so many hoops to jump. What I might do in the next 30 mins or so is prepare future tasks, and look at what needs to be done.

That little asian girl is getting at me, there's something about her that makes me feel repulsed. I do kind of like being a God to her though. The only thing is, Gods don't exist and she's deluded. Eventually she will learn this. Eventually.

Dear Diary


For some reason I am constantly thinking about love, and how wonderful it would be to fall in love again. I think the fact that two of my cousins are getting married next month, and playing so many horrible love songs on the piano is starting to do my head in.


I can't have eminence, so it seems, I would seem to find love desirable. I need to rise above this.

It's time to be more.

It's been a while since I've posted. I've kept busy. Worked a bit last week. I took a tutor query. Sent a few more applications than I normally do, I saw the film Prometheus again, Explored social media options for the community group, plust I did a fair bit of piano practice. I got this awful love song that was in my mind all day yesterday. According to my records, i did 4 exercise activities. Didn't do body balance, I was just worn down that day. After work on friday I did some heavy lifting and I don't think that I properly recovered. Saturday early morning consisted of meeting my friend in West London, I then had to get up early again the next day for the Garden; I ended up having lunch with my family (sans sister who is on holiday) for Father's day, I got home and did a bit of warming down by playing more piano, I ended up it seems spontaneously going to meet some buddies of mine and got home around 8pm. I had no time for my schedule and now I'm behind again.

I'll try less to 'complain' about that. This week I've been thinking about girls. Namely, one who has been wanting to meet up with me after chatting with her for a year on fetlife, I find her a bit distasteful at times due to the way she has treated men in the past. Another girl said we should meet up next month, she's a bit.. let's say overly enthused about me. Not sure how to cope with that. Then there is a Cute Vanilla Indian Girl who seems really nice but I'm shy.

I need to stop being shy. I'm not fucking 17 anymore, jesus, i'm going to be 26 next month (FUCK!) I'm selling more stuff on eBay, really random stuff, it's funny what kinds of things get sales on eBay.  So this week I will really need to play catchup, with both my schedule, and my life.That's not even mentioning the really weird vivid dreams I'm having this week, or the fact that I'm going to be published in an anthology later this year.

There's a mantra in my mind this week passed: I can be so much more. Well, it's time to take the mantle I'm always talking about.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Strange dream....

I had a strange dream just now. Stephen fry was on the beach sitting on a deck chair telling me how he is not taken seriously as an intellectual because of the overspecialisation in the sciences, and when he reads papers you need to have an advanced statistics background in order to have any grasp of the papers, and one paper he did try talking about ended up being retracted and the academic community have a herd mentality.

Funny enough I woke up to a podcast playing on this very same issue.


On with my day

Monday, June 11, 2012

Anxst (it has been a good day)

Dear Diary,


It's been a few days. I'll try catching up. Friday I sold stuff on ebay, tried sorting out pictures. Not much else. Saturday I did the gym, I forgot my trousers and then I was supposed to go to a gig but I didn't. Sunday I went gardening and then practiced piano. I did some swimming in the cold water pool. It hurt like hell, I was exhausted for the rest of the day. Today I did some job searching then job applying. Around 3pm I started feeling depressed and I was having weird dreams and thoughts, most of them were very dark. I didn't like it. My mum seemed concerned that I was in bed at 5pm asking if I was alright. I then ventured to prepare 6 job applications.I didn't go to the gym today. I'm off to work tomorrow. Maybe if I finish early I can call this a pretty good day. I'm listening to a book on procrastinating, which is quite helpful. I might take some of the ideas up, a few of them I've had my own little formulation of them.


I'm still worrying about hair loss, my hairline is asymmetrical, not sure if that's good or not. Its always something with my anxiety. I need to see a doctor. This has been a good day, despite my angst

Thursday, June 7, 2012

There's something that really makes me jealous: High Functioning Depressives. My depression is mostly behind me, but when I see how successful they are I just think: ah fuck!

I wish I were successful. Today I'm finishing off a PhD proposal (or trying to) and then I will do some tutoring. I expect to be finished by 9pm. No time for gym today, it seems. Unfortunate. I do quite like getting paid £30

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Things I've done today (listening to Le Tigre)

Things I've done today:

  • Dispatched stuff sold on ebay
  • Sorted out packaging for stuff to sell on ebay
  • Wrote draft PhD proposal
  • Replied to potential tutee for potential tutoring job.

I feel tired. Want to take a break, maybe wank. Going to body balance later, maybe weights.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Hello you,


I'm feeling a bit drowsy today, I've been a bit depressed for the past couple of days, it doesnt help that I see everything piling up in terms of tasks. I set a lot for myself to do and even taking one day off (which I did for work) can immediately bury me into a lot of shit. So I'm starting from the ashes of it, planning, doing, slowly getting to it. Hopefully I'll complete most an acceptable amount of the tasks.


I played some piano, felt sad. Put some clothes in the wash, felt sad, looked for jobs, felt even more sad. I'm getting kind of hopeless.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Gotta start somewhere

Dear Diary,

Long one at work yesterday, I think its still taking a toll on me. I can't spend any more on laying in bed. I'll just take it at a slower pace.

I feel pretty rough. I'm quite tired, and I feel miserable. I wonder if keeping all that anger inside me and expressing it on the weights really is a good idea. There are so many things to do, too many ideas not enough action.


Got to start somewhere today. So I'm opening letters and tidying my room. This is where audiobooks help me.