Monday, February 24, 2020

This week in 2020

Monday: I have been told by management that I'm being taken off the pop culture magazine. I have mixed feelings about this. At first I had a sense of loss but then i began to accept this.

Wednesday: someone from The Sentinel leaked on private eye about something I'm involved with. I also have mixed feelings for this. I told HR and they have my back on the issue

Thursday: I had a phone call with a UK media industry networking group. I've been invited to be a rep for a wider industry group of people. After there was the pride group with a lot of momentum around the pride celebration

Friday: Emailing cartoonists and some professional people behind the scenes about my involvement for LGBT representation in the company. I've been really busy and overwhelmed.

Saturday night/Sunday morning: Watching Wilder-Fury with the boys. Afternoon: went to a birthday party at my brother's. He's 40.

I often go into what happened in previous years but the present has been interesting.

Let's talk about previous years ever so quickly as part of my sunday night/monday morning round up:

2011: I was at a charity event at work (when I worked in events) and I saw Bryan Adams and Katie Melua - that was odd
2012: I saw the band Alcest and Les Discrets - probably the coolest i'll ever be
2015: One of the first time my balance went and stayed above £1000 in savings
2015: Received the Merkur 36c razor. The blades I later got only costed about £30, I still have them in my bathroom cabinet
2017: The current editor of the pop culture magazine (speaking from 2020) left the desk in 2017, his homecoming seems like foreshadowing when I frame it like that
2018: Pay rise agreed to £30.4k

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Hello friend,

I am currently watching a documentary on universal credit [], the benefits system which is to be rolled out in the UK.

My mind goes back to 10 years ago when I was unemployed. The memories of seeing people have public breakdowns in the job centre and every two weeks trying to justify my existence and applying for jobs I probably wouldn't get in the present day.

In recent months and weeks, I don't really look back much. I don't look forward either. I'm reminded of my 2nd year of uni with the anxiety and how bad that was. But I am also cognizant of the fact that my life then doesnt compare to my life now.  All of the situations in the documentary do make me think that my life could go that way at some point if I ever went south. And so its important to keep fighting. That's what I have been doing of late.

So with that in mind let's think of gratitude, I am thankful for:

  • My friends
  • My mum and dad
  • Central heating
  • Being in an area not currently flooded
  • Having a job
  • The amazing people who run the transport services
  • My local newsagents who stock my favourite drink, nutriment. 

I've had difficulties with eating and going outside lately. I barely manage to make it outside and with my food I drink nutriment which is basically a meal replacement drink, fortified flavoured milk.

'Fortified'. that word triggers me. 

In other news, I've been invited to an art event and I might email the nice woman I met at an event a couple of months ago to let her know I'm going.

17 February: over the years

I came across a day that I feel has some kind of cosmic significance. February 17 over the years:

2009: My graduation. In absentia. I think I regret not going to my MA ceremony now.

For the longest time I had a belief that I'd see a graduation ceremony again. Perhaps not...

2014: I went to see Pascal and Ami Roge perform the music of Ravel in Maida Vale. When I got home I did some preparations for a big dinner that I cooked for the badminton guys. To this day I still remember cooking that meal.

I realise that there was 5 years between my graduation and that concert. Those 5 years feel further apart than the 6 years since 2014. Like a bell curve or something

2015: I'm working on the features desk. It was really busy working as a casual editorial assistant. I get the impression that I was working on a lot of sections at that time and it felt really good having lots of work opportunities coming my way. I left a note asking future me what I'm doing in present day.

Well 2015 me: Suzy on features sits 2 desks behind me. I'm not a senior assistant and cartoon editor and I make 3 times the amount that I did 5 years ago. Despite this I realise that I'm still a way off the mortgage ladder and even though I have savings I am not in the best of ways health wise. Perhaps things are good but I'm looking at things through the eye of the needle at the moment. Let's carry on

2018: I buy a pusheen duvet set. I still have it. I am having night terrors. I went to LBT but not the other saturday classes. I have a new weekend routine because of [redacted].

Perhaps I should move on.

2020: The manager at work emailed to say she's taking me off of one of my sections. I've been working on that section for over 4 years and now I'm leaving. I feel a bit sad about that. I feel anxious too, threatened, even. I wonder if this will be a positive....

A lot in 11 years. I'm a completely different person. Here's to another 11.


Saturday, February 15, 2020

In praise of my friends

Lots has happened in life over January and February. Also: lots hasn't happened.

Side stepping the above entirely lets speak of gratitude. I feel that its important to express gratitude more:

In praise of my friends

  • I have friends who are only a whatsapp away
  • I have friends in different time zones
  • I have friends I can laugh with, that I can cry with
  • I support my friends when I can
  • I express emotional candour with my friends
  • I have worked towards removing toxic friendships and relationships. To such a degree I feel that I'm the toxic one in their connections
  • My friendships have had a long past
  • My friendships have a bright future
  • I love the people who are my friends.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Dear Diary,

I have continued to be unwell lately. I am able to work, go to the gym, eat, shower and shit. But not much more than that.

I will work on gratitude for my recent abilities and focus on those and not what I haven't been able to do.

So lets think about ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I have met some family recently
B: Build mastery - well I have been doing a bit of gym despite my illness
C: Cope ahead - I try to set out a plan for the day to structure and dissipate my anxiety. My paper diary helps

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm going outside, doing my steps and keeping active. I'm trying to eat when I can but not overeat.

L:  Low vulnerability to diseases - pass

E: Exercise regularly - mentioned

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I don't drink and I hardly wank. I don't do drugs, maybe I should do CBD oil

E: Eat healthy: I'm not doing so good at this. I'm not eating at all on some days

Saturday, January 25, 2020


I'm not well at the moment. I'm concerned in fact that I might have agoraphobia.

I'm writing a list of things that are essential right now:

  • How I wake up determines the rest of my day
  • Keeping to a routine
  • Find time to go outside
  • Remember your responsibilities: my work, my family,
  • Look after yourself: eating, sleeping, showering, try not to exceed the eating or staying in bed too long; sleep at normal people times
Once I can deal with those bases, I think I can move forward

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Dear Diary,

I've had an awful, awful week. I'm struggling mentally right now.

Instead of talking about that I want to mention the things I appreciate in life:

3 things I am positive about today:

  • I have supportive colleagues, friends and family
  • I live in relative comfort. A roof over my head despite all the bad things.
  • Lucozade is my ambrosia

Monday, January 6, 2020

Dear Diary,

I don't think that I've been in a good way lately.

I think I actually was depressed for a lot of this weekend.

I've been overeating and my way of coping with that has been...more overeating. Semi-related to this, I originally had a big gym workout day planned but unfortunately it seems that I was too sick to go to the gym this sunday.

Sunday is sacred to me and having to cancel that day was hard to do.

I've been thinking about some reminders that I set myself on google keep. One reminder is: commit to fewer good decisions and actions instead of a lot of mediocre ones.  I decided to focus on healing my body and my mind instead of gassing out by trying to be everything at the gym and do everything on my to do list. I ran a projection in my mind of two outcomes: one is me going to the gym unwell and coming home not doing any work. The other is resting and managing to get some work done.

I decided that the latter was the better outcome. However I thought I'd be done by 10pm. It's 2pm and I've wrapped up.

Someone on twitter who is about my age (35 actually) posted something which upset me a bit. She said that given the liklihoods, this decade is going to bring personal tragedies which are unbearable for her. I took that in and I was deeply upset by this as it means similar for me.

I need to realise that I'm getting older, all my friends are getting married and many are having babies. What is my legacy and what am I going to show for my life?

I had this vague idea that I'd be some kind of writer or cultural commentator as well as an academic philosopher. I have done some amazing things that I'm proud of but being a philosopher and a writer haven't been two of them.

I've been avoiding my family, particularly my brother and my sister. They have been reaching out to me (bless them) but I do feel they are doing it more out of some kind of obligation than them wanting to. I feel like I'm a downer for people and I don't want to be around them. I'm also feeling that my life is going in a direction which is not the same path that many others will take.

Similarly I'm beginning to fear that my work colleagues, with whom I've become close, are not people I'm feeling comfortable with anymore. I'm not feeling comfortable with a lot of people and I am quite partial to avoiding.

There's something that's bothering me. When I was in fact in a couple of family gatherings, I noticed that a lot of my family (it's a cultural thing) are very loud. It is also the case that young children by their nature are very loud. Some have a propensity for unexpected high pitched screaming. A lot of this is very draining to me and it has a cost. I wonder if I have a limited capacity to cope with such circumstances.

Gosh that sounds really negative. Lets do some positives.

I met some wonderful friends during new years day. I'm up to date on my work. Despite this weekend and recent over eating I have been quite good with gym over the Christmas weeks. I've kept up with my routine and I'm really on top of my routine. As soon as I finish my computer scanning something I can go to bed. I've managed to catch up on TV and I'm even beginning to book some time off work.

Another thing I did last night (during insomnia) I bought some clothes. I bought some more underwear and socks. My ankle socks have gotten missing   I even bought an overpriced t shirt made of wool and silk (i know silk is evil and I hate that waistcoats have to have a silk back.

When I got back to work on Friday or Thursday, the picture editor at the magazine came up to me and shook my hand, he said something to the effect of: he was really touched that I got him the flowers.  Old J had a bereavement last month and I told him that there's a lot of love for him at the sentinel.

So, december was that month which defined a new beginning for me in 2015. 2016 began the difficult year at work, it began with all the talk of budget cuts and killing contracts and culling staffers. 2016 was also the year of Brexit and Trump. I want to say that seems a distant memory but it god damned wasn't. I have a feeling that this decade didn't go as slowly as the previous one.

As much as there are reasons for reflection and drawing strength from the past decade. My full focus is upon the future. Climate disaster, populism, and so many other things threaten the world. I am proud to be working and at a place which has the audacity to think it can make a difference.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Yesterday was New Years Eve/Day night and I began writing in my new 2020 diary.

I felt sad about finishing with my 2019 diary, I found a page in the diary which was a list of "My extraordinary moments this year". I thought that as the year had just ended I could do a complete list as it is most fresh in my memory. I knew that the first 5 and even 10 were obvious, but then some became repetitious or variations on a theme. I really thought hard about making the following list:

[full list redacted]

A full page. It was difficult while writing on physical paper but it felt worthwhile

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Things I have gratitude for:

  • Mum and dad
  • Having a job
  • Having people to give presents to for Christmas
  • Having purpose
  • My ability to keep going
(sorry i must be brief im at work)