Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sunday's routine

I have begun to codify a sunday routine.

  • Ideally: wake up early for Andrew Marr show
  • Cook slow breakfast - eat slowly.
  • Ideally: have perculator
  • Watch Peston on Sunday - continue eating
  • Begin to read papers/catch up
  • Start to plan week
  • Start to prep for long gym session
  • write up in my ledger
  • I start realising that I'm running late for my gym session
  • Go to gym session
  • Pause in gym session (water + banana)
  • Gym session (2)
  • End of gym ssession and prep for gym classes
  • (30 mins prep before gym class) + light workouts
  • Two gym classes 
  • gym classes and overall fitness session for sunday finished (around 1915)
  • Go home/get a bite to eat
  • Mind is slow/body is tired
  • Have a shower (a struggle), tidy up house/light housework
  • Do some light work at a very inefficient and slow pace but things I've forgotten to do in the morning
  • Go to bed

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Aspects of PTSD life

  • being afraid to sleep because you fear it might be death and not sleep
  • people recommending CBT and 'easy' talking therapies, when I know about all that shit already, reading about mindfulness, medication and modern methods 
  • Unwelcome memories of the past
  • Unexpected but sometimes welcome memories of the past
  • Waking up and not knowing what year it is
  • obsessions - need to have them. They keep me sane. 
  • Unusual sleeping and waking times
  • Difficulties in trying to appear normal
  • Avoidance of social and family situations
  • Avoiding contact with family
  • Friendships dying away like a plant withering due to neglect
  • Things being described about you that are upsetting: description of childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse, isolation, mistreatment
  • Support - is there any?
  • Living in your own mental world - not sure if its a good or bad thing that I have one
  • The difference between the mental world I make (daydream, fantasising) and the one made by my mind where I am unfamiliar wiht it (triggers, bad dreams, simulations)
  • Keeping a full time job and being good at it
  • Having not much energy for a life outside of work, as I'm spending a lot of time being good at it.
  • Accepting that this is the way things will be. 
  • Not wishing things can be better in an instant, but realising its gradual
  • Not wishing things didn't happen
  • Accepting my actions, the past. 
  • Deciding my future. 

Monday, January 22, 2018

I try not to wear branded clothes. I do not like advertising things unless I believe in what the words say on my top or trousers or jackets.

I like branded things when they relate to identities. I have some university alumni tat hanging around, some old shoe bags, bookmarks, and if I can really look deep enough, other things. I have a Bristol Blue glass tumbler. I now have work tote bags. I can really identify myself with a work branded tote bag. My boss has an anorak with the work logo on it. I'm secretly jealous.

I'm set to give a talk at my old university in March. Believe it or not, I've been asked to talk about my work in the 'media industry'.

Believe it or not, I've become a subtle influencer for a very specific kind of artist/commission. I pride myself on it.
For the past couple of weeks, well, I think since Christmas/New Years, actually, I've started playing computer games again.

A friend of mine, a banker, told me once how he spends a lot of his downtime playing his playstation games. My mate works unreal hours (50+ a week, 6 days a week sometimes) and not long ago suffered a parental bereavement.

One of the ways he deals with his situation is to not think about the real world and play his games to just let off some steam.  I am beginning to appreciate his view on the world. I've been playing a game where I control a paramilitary organisation fighting an alien invasion. It's awesome.

Time is short, I realise that more and more when I see my sister's family and my parents go older. I hear about my colleagues who have older parents and many of my colleagues of a certain age can relate to each other when it comes to elderly parents.

This week just ending, I received some messages from a former work colleague. Kim was a nice girl I used to work with and she has told me that she has been ill for a while. I heard from the grapevine that her father and grandparents died within short proximity. I keep a professional and personal distance. I don't know her as well and it's not my place to be comforting.

Last week, my bosses had a career defining moment. The re-launch of the Sentinel. I'm so proud to work there. I've been dealing with a lot lately. My therapist says that the amount of things I've dealt with have given me a sense of resilience. While I do think that is true, I do not particularly feel like taking on too much more right now.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I was practicing czerny's exercises.

One of the exercises involved independent action of hands full stop the left hand needed to play legato and the right-hand needed to play staccato full stop the challenge was for the mind full stop the mind playing two different sentiments, two different ways at the same time.

If I practiced I felt there was a challenge, the challenge of working with a broken piano and the challenge of working within my mind.

Working with a broken piano had its challenges, the feedback of my fingers did not respond adequately. I was then thinking a bit deeper, if the piano worked problem would be in my mind. Of my mind executing the right moves and right sensitivities.

I was reminded of the Cartesian distinction between Res cogitans and Res Extensa. I feel like the broken piano. Broken piano does not function because the mechanism is broken. In life my social functionality is not as it was. I cannot do the things I used to do because my mind is broken.

My mind is broken in ways I do not understand. I want to avoid people and social situations. There are only a limited number of social situations that I am capable of dealing with. Many unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation put stress up on me. Distress manifests as a variety of different emotions. Being in challenging situations tests me. Sometimes I'm irritated, angry or upset.

Broken piano can be replaced or repaired. It costs money to do those things. A broken mind requires work to change the connections between anger and situations.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

dear diary.

I think that my resilience has improved over many of the things I have been through.

I have been very busy at work, so much so that I feel a strain on my life with the overwork.

The Sentinel is having a big product launch on monday, and it's a big momentous event.
I sincerely hope it goes well. I have felt this odd sense of team among the people I work with. It's a beautiful thing.

In addition: other things in my life right now:

  1. Union dispute at work
  2. My eyes and health are on a bit of a decline
  3. My chest is hurting
  4. I do have PTSD now
  5. I feel weird about possibly seeing a girl who is married to an older man
  6. I've been invited to give a talk at my old university
  7. I've 'made it' in a little way.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Positives (Christmas 2017)

  • This year I made it to a staff position at work, no renewable contract. Permanent staff. Full blown pension and shit
  • This year Marks my firm transition to the full time work. Having said that, Last year was a pretty good marker of that. I've been in my role for almost exactly 2 years now.
  • My health -it's not great but its not terminal. 
  • My relationships - not great but workable
  • My relationships - with some friends have gotten better
  • My relationships at work are good
I live with a certain philosophy lately: every hour counts, possibly every minute.

There's such little time to waste. The one thing I miss is boredom. I don't have time to be bored. Having said that, I find a good amount of time to think whenI am unwell. I've been unwell a lot this month.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Positives for 'today'

(originally 16 november)

I got a lot done today, I made an efficient use of my time, I showed personal insight into myself

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Positives for today:

  • I burned 3000kcal
  • I didn't get tempted by lamb ribs, mcdonalds, kfc or chinese takeaway when I got home
  • I dealt with a big piece of adversity today
Hope for the future:

  • I will have more free time in which to sort out my life
  • I have made some inroads into my christmas present plan
  • My dad's started taking diabetes medication. This is a positive as it means he will now work on his health a lot more
  • My uncle's health situation has gone south lately, but it has gotten better after getting really bad. We are hopeful.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

I'm at a restaurant now and the waiter asked for my order but some people were here before me and they made a fuss and they got up and left