Monday, December 9, 2019

Dear Diary,

I'm up late today. I've spent the past few hours catching up on some of my non priority/housekeeping tasks. Tasks which I should have completed by this time last night.

I was up late last night, maybe until 4-5am. I was in fact writing some memoir letters to myself but I also worked on some other things. I was running late because I was side tracked by cooking on Saturday. I was preparing a cote de boeuf as a preparation for Christmas. I'm thinking of purchasing a large beef roast.

I went to bed late and I woke up exceptionally late. I woke up around 9am but then fell asleep again and woke up a 2pm. I felt like it was important for my body to rest so I just let it happen. I have been very busy lately. So busy that I feel like I'm slightly fraying a bit. I think that people close to me are realising that its breaking me apart.

I woke up annoyed that I got up so late because I'm usually entering the gym right at that point. I had to rush and entered the gym an hour later. I hit on the heavy bag really hard for about 30 minutes and then I did my gym classes. I didn't hit 5000kcal like I usually did. 3800 isn't so bad though.

Let's talk about some of my friends. One of them is expecting a newborn next month; one of them had a boy last month; one of them is having family trouble and is working at the Razer pop up store which I am actually looking forward to going to. I keep thinking to myself that this year, this december is going to be like, or is like the great December of 2018 when I saw Aquaman like 5 times and I was so excited to see adverts on the street and in tube stations of Jason Momoa as Aquaman. I felt like I was having a moment where all the things I was into were suddenly part of the cultural conversation.

This year: hmm I don't know. I did do something that's a 'Big Deal' TM but I feel like I want to distance myself from it, draw a line. Perhaps because it attracts praise that I'm afraid of accepting on pain of inflating my ego, but also because I have some other problems right now that I really need to sort out in my life, like finances and my future. My health and my social life. If I don't pay attention to my life, I might not have one.

So let's go back and think about the 'on this day' events of this week from previous years:

  • 2013: I saw the band Shining (dsbm) at electrowerks. Gosh That was really a long time ago. I keep telling the story of that gig like it wans't long ago. Jesus Christ I'm past it
  • 2014: I've been offered 6 weeks of work on the picture desk and I felt really chuffed at working properly full time for once!; 
  • 2015: The day that changed everything: When I was asked to cover for someone at The Sentinel which became my current job role... I wrote about that in the last post so I won't repeat too much
  • 2017: Ai Weiwei was giving a talk at the office and said we were a room full of hope. It had an impression on me that he drew strength from us. 
  • 2018: I went to see Nightwish at Wembley SSE. I still remember it really well, which is a real surprise. I guess it shows my age that a year isn't really a long time. 
  • 2019: It's still fresh and dewy in my mind: that cartoon award and the shopping beforehand. I also had a workplace appraisal and I made a practice roast for Christmas.
I should try to sleep. 

I feel like I'm writing more in this blog. I also feel like it helps. I've had so much happen to me and I've done so much. I've not processed it. Processed it emotionally and also I suppose process how it has changed who I am. I am still trying to tackle who I am. The things that have happened definitely have made me a different person. The things I do like the extreme gym routine also change me but I can't work out exactly how just yet.

Good night reader

Sunday, December 8, 2019

It's 4am and I have a lot of things to get on with so I'll be quick.

This week has been amazing.

The Sentinel won awards for something that I was integral towards. It was amazing and I went to an awards ceremony. The woman who won a very important award gave a shout out to me because I gave her the chance to work for the newspaper. It's suddenly solidified the reputation that I have.

On Monday I had a workplace appraisal. Management, plus my line managers and people in my management structure generally (other editors) all say that I am a paragon. I represent the ideals and values of the company and I have immense integrity.

Added to that, after the appraisal, award winning woman told me that she won an award, emphasising how valued I am as an employee. I felt it go to my head and I bought a pimped out costume for the awards ceremony.

It's gotten a bit to my head and I feel very uncomfortable.

My mind goes back to 2006-2007 when I ran the depression support group online. People would say I'm amazing or I'm a hero etc. When I shut down the group I felt like I'd never have anything like that again. It so turns out that I would do something amazing again. Yet I feel uncomfortable. I think there's something about being a hero that means I need to have some distance to the people who seemingly venerate me. Those are the same people who I happen to be close with, getting close with or want to get close to.

Last week after the awards ceremony, I walked home with a beautiful older woman. The older woman was a PhD and did some scholarship exactly in the area in which Awards winning woman worked in. Basically I was doing the real world application of what her PhD was in. That felt a bit heavy. Also, I felt really drawn to her. It felt hormonal, natural and right. Being a paragon and wearing my work identity doesnt allow me to be romantically or emotionally close to anyone else.

I've made some decisions since the awards. I think I'll avoid some people. I'll avoid family over Christmas and I'll avoid work colleagues and not go to every workplace party I'm invited to. I was invited to the pride group, the art team, the features team, the opinion team and the PA/administrators network. I might just go to 2 of those.

In other news: there's a piece on spotify that I've discovered that really gets into my soul: it's a bit from Faure's requiem. It feels so spiritual and peaceful.

I better get back to some shit..

also I've lost a bit of weight due to being so active this week. I'm hoping I'll be skinnier by the time onesie sunday comes next week.

Monday, December 2, 2019

2007 December 1

My mind goes back to it around midday on this sunday just passing.


It was Eva's birthday. She invited me to her birthday party. I got her a card and present and it was intimate and heartfelt. Eva kissed me a numver of times, sat on my lap but I learned it was performative. I still pause and feel the intense longing for her. Eva had other guys who were into her, other guys who she was sexual with that I later learned about. It was university I should have known better.

I felt and wrote and thought so much about that period after it happened, and a year after. But not so much now. And yet I still feel things. A couple of my songs in my spotify playlist are solely about my memories relating to that period of time and her.


I still remember. She must be 30-31 now. God damned!

I remember 2007 Christmas. I met Phil P I think for New Years. He had a girlfriend who was in first year at uni and she seemed nice. I wasn't very happy inside myself and I got thrown out of the club for walking funny (probably seemed drunk or drugged). I lost my space pen and the bouncer told me to fuck off. I felt down and I internalised that resentment. I felt like I didn't belong.

Oh I forgot until just now: I was purging around that period of time.


Haven't said that word in a while.


Gosh. It sounds so powerful to hear it.

I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to respond to the person I was back then.

I feel that aspiration, how I wanted to soar to the stars.

I'm not that person anymore. and I don't know how to cope with that. I have brought myself down to the real world. My job at work is to help others soar but never myself. Or perhaps, I soar when I help others soar. I soar when I make it my reputation to help others in an industry with major representation problems.


I think I am done thinking about Eva and December 2007.

That's rumination. I just let myself think about it now.

Now I get on with my life, in December 2019. I'm a cartoon editor now. Not a graduate student trying for a PhD...I never got that PhD.

Good night.
Dear Diary,

It's sunday night/monday Morning.

On paper everything for sunday went by swimmingly. I woke up to go to the gym. I overate on saturday but that gave me more in the tank. I also performed really well at the gym. I did heavy bag, weights, I hit my walking targets and exceeded them, plus I didn't gas out until about 6pm, which I guess is my usual... all the same I nearly hit 6000 kcal.

I've had a good amount of energy upon going home and I managed to get all my non priority schema tasks done. I have just finished my weekly review on time. I had a backlog of about 14 weeks a while ago, but I'm now on top of it.

I think I'd just end my day before trying to go to sleep, by looking at the 'on this day' anniversaries this week:

  • 2018 - I went to see Marvel Station with my buddies. I also got a diary for 2019 and we had shitloads of food in the local restaurants after
  • 2018: saw creed II
  • 2018: Went to Marvel Station with my pal mun, that time was as a press event
  • 2018: got a vacuum cleaner present for my parents; bought a John Henric pair of suspenders. Which I still have by the way. 
  • 2016: Saw Royal Orchestral society play in Cadogan hall, a guy from my gym plays cello there. Gosh was that 3 years ago??
  • 2015 Did a lot of black friday shopping, reflecing the first time I've had a significant increase in income
  • 2015: saw the klitchko fight, then things got out of hand...friends drank too much
  • 2015: Handover with Ingrud at the magazine. Ingrid was the editorial assistant on the magazine that I used to do shifts for. I was booked on last minute as she was going away.  Then Gemma left (original assistant) and I took both of their jobs.
26 November 2015: that was the moment when I got the call to cover for at least a month on the magazine. A few weeks later, cover on both the magazine and the art section. I was just happy to have a regular gig with 2 day weeks. 

At that period of time I was really into the album by Black Sabbath called The eternal Idol. It was during the period of time when Tony Martin was the singer. It is an obscure era of Black Sabbath history and he's considered the least popular singer in sabbath. That album really pumped me up and it reflected a period of time and a state of mind inside me of: yeah, I've got things to do, I've got motivation and I've got a sense of purpose now.

Little did I know what would eventually happen. All the same, it felt like a good Christmas (if I only could remember it). I felt like things were improving for me. I also felt like I needed to step up everything in my life as I had to think seriously about my routine and think about being serious about going to the gym and not avoiding it on work days. I felt like so many situations for which I've rehearsed in my mind have finally played out, and boy, did they. 

Late November 2018: there was the Creed film plus there was marvel station, socialising, plus Christmas parties (I had about 4-5 different teams). I felt like I was living my insta best life during December. Of course in Christmas and New Years there was the socialising, plus the annual bbq with the boys and World's Strongest Man! All of those things I loved but the thing that really really really pumped me up was: AQUAMAN. I was really into the aquaman film, I am still really into aquaman and I really really loved just seeing aquaman so many times with so many different friends and I felt like this was a movie for me and finally this was my time. I was genuinely happy during December 2018.

Then it passed. It wasn't that I was sad that it passed, it just didn't keep going with the socialising and the movies and hte aquaman. Eventually Aquaman stopped showing in cinemas, the ads got replaced and life moved on. I still pass by the billboards where I saw Aquaman and think of Aquaman. Life went on. Let's digress to a previous Christmas.

2005 or 2006 (I think it was 2006 ed it was 2005 because 2006 was my hospitalisation year). My depression and weight gain and incelish nature were still in their peaks but I was still happy around Christmas. Happy to see my friends, happy to be London me and not Bristol me who was ...someone I had a troubled relationship with. I had my friends and we had Christmas and lots of fun and drinking and dancing (which I don't care for now). I remember as New Years eve ended I felt the sudden realisation that the party was over. 

My depression came back. It was a fight. For 2006 could be summarised thusly: January down. February- May: getting better. June: good. July: okay. August good. September: good-to-decline; October: serious decline: November: (don't want to discuss); December (don't want to discuss but it was bad...).

Writing about this, and memorising, putting this down to words on a screen feels therapeutic. The other thing I haven't realised was that my Bristol Self was different to London Self. Also: my 2004 pre-uni self was different to the uni self. I should write about that at some point. 

I haven't written in this length for ages. Or really not introspected within myself very much.

My bedroom is full of books. I work near the book magazine so we get lots of free books. But the unexplored books are metaphorical to the unexplored texts, meanings, metaphors and meanderings of the mind of unprocessed memories, feelings and events.

That moment in 2015 when I got full gear to work at The Sentinel. I don't really feel like I had taken a break since then. Perhaps I should spend deliberate time to just write in my conatus blog. Time to express myself. I live in these words as I don't really feel like I live in my life. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Dear Diary,

The last month approaches.

The last month of the year. The last month of the decade. The decade that was...I don't know what it was.

I've spent all of this decade trying to work out the previous decade. I've spent the first half of the decade hating it. I spent 2/3rds of the decade hating uncertainty, and thinking I'd never get a permanent job or a pension.

It's November 2019 and I'm a cartoon editor. I work at the Sentinel news organisation and I have a career job, I have a vocation job. I have a job job. I have the esteem of my peers and my friends.

But I do feel empty, for something I didn't consider.

My friends are getting married, some are having progeny of their own. Many own their own homes. One thing I'm beginning to realise which is odd is that I'm not properly grown up, although I try my best to be. I'm also earning more than the median salary in the country, at the same time, I'm not 'middle class' affluent just yet --- another 5k/year would help.

I spent the late 2000s and early 2010s eating into my nationwide ISA. Mum would give me shit about withdrawing from it. I'd be taking money out because my job in events didn't pay enough for me to live and get some of the essentials like a proper shirt and proper clothes. Now I'm wearing a shirt that I bought from a department store with an amount of money that some people use to buy a cheap suit.

My health isn't so good. My mental health that is. I'm experiencing very bad panic episodes and my anxiety is an all time high. I had trouble getting out of bed today and with low motivation.

I've managed to get all my non priority stuff done in reasonable time tonight. It's just past 1am. It's just gotten into Wednesday.

You know - on this blog I always write about memories. I often ruminate. I feel that perhaps enough time has passed to start talking about the 2010s. The time in which i transitioned from uni into work, from uncertain work into permanent work. From a job to a career.

And how I could lose all of it in an instant.

Let's close this with things I have gratitude for:

  1. Mum and Dad
  2. My friends
  3. A salary
These seem obvious, but I am not sure how I'd cope without the way things are now. I'm sure I would, but it would change my life a lot.

Saturday, November 23, 2019

Dear diary,

It's been a rough day today. It's one of those days where I completely lose my orientation and struggle to be normal.

I'm trying to do some admin tasks.

Turns out that I have 17.9k in a portfolio of various assets.

Gosh that seems very grown up. In fairness, 2.2k came from a recent tax rebate.

Need to keep saving...

If I survive tomorrow I'll be alright.

Keep fighting.

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Things for which I have gratitude

  • I love mum and dad
  • Bro has been texting me, I'm glad things are okay between us
  • I'm going to see some old school friends soon. One of them has a new son and they are getting baptised.
Things I am positive about in the future

  • Good health
  • Keeping up my income 
  • Friends
  • Keeping clean

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Things I am appreciative of:

  • Strong willpower
  • Working with amazing people in my job
  • Mum's cooking
Things I'm looking foward to:

  • Comicon
  • Pay day
  • Meeting friends next week

That was fairlsy straightforward.

Let's do a new one: Things I need to work on:

  • Learn to be a better active listener 
  • Learn to avoid interrupting people or domineering people in conversations
  • Learn to quiet your mind when you feel hypervigilant - it isn't always about you.

THat's my regular task ticked off. Back to work.

Monday, October 14, 2019

Dear Diary,

Lets start off with 3 things I have gratitude for:

  • I love my mum and dad
  • I am in good health, I have knee issues but I think I'm as good as I can be
  • I am well liked at work and mostly in social life. Not including my brother and sister's family

It's 1:30 am on a sunday night/monday morning. Today I woke up and properly got out of bed around midday. I went to the gym. I have a ritual of training at the gym. I'm hitting 5000kcal while training. It is an extreme amount of exercise but I really like it, its essential to my process and I  am getting cut (or as cut as possible) for MCM comicon. I have an aquaman outfit. 

Which leads on to some of the things I wanted to discuss. Gosh this alienware really feels good when I'm typing. It's been a long time since I've typed in extended prose. I really miss it. I miss writing essays, self expressing or any kind of extended form of expression. Even instant messaging is direct and to the point these days. 

I got my hair done to look like aquaman. I have an aquaman outfit. My gym instructor said that people are secretly talking about my hair (all good things) but they evidently haven't brought it up with me directly. They were saying how lovely and gorgeous it is. 

Lets talk about some other things. On the magazine I work on, my boss has moved on, he's moved to work on Fashion. I'll miss him dearly. I have a new boss on the magazine now, he was actually a junior editor 2-3 years ago and so everyone knows and loves him. It feels like a homecoming in some ways but in others, I have felt a bond with Priya that I won't have with anyone else. 

Some other things at work: 2 of of my bosses are away and I'm acting like the boss. I'm not officially the boss but I've apparently taken charge. In addition, some of my decisions as 'cartoon editor' have made a real impact and are being recognised. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with that.

Does it all matter though? I could lose my job and all of the things I've achieved, all the reputation I have will not mean much. In the outside world, it doesn't really mean so much to work in an international news organisation, an infographics and design team and under the managing editor as well as being a cartoon editor. 

I've been going to the gym after work, I've been so worn out that I've not been able tdo my logging, relax or anything else of my usual routine. I have been trying to go to a plant based diet. It is important to try and explore a plant based diet. I did a boo boo and didn't eat plant based today. 

One of my friends is having a little one with another one of my friends. Another friend has a 5 years old and another of my friends works as a software developer for astrophysics. One friend is a whitehall personal secretary. Isn't it odd how they have all grown up? Have I grown up? I still live with mommy. Mom's health has taken a bad turn in recent months. I get worried sick about her. I get worried sick about dad. Mum has arthritis and now uses a stick. They are both nearing 70. They mean everything to me. Perhaps because I don't really have anyone or anything else in a deep way. 

Pink Tedy has been arrested due to protesting. PT is part of that XR business which has been affecting my decision to go plant based. Hearing all that stuff about what's really going on with the climate disaster (the officialTM name of it) is affecting my thinking.

My eye problems continue but they aren't progressing. 

Let's talk about an anniversary of the past. Around this week 9 years ago, I was offered my first job job. Working as an events assistant in high profile events. I still think about those days, it was only a short period of about 2-3 years where most of the events experience happened, I didn't work there much from 2014 onwards.  It's all changed since then from when I was in my last shifts. I think that working the last shifts made me realise the value of real work, not sitting on a computer and having a fancy coffee machine. I stood on my feet for up to 15 hours on some days and I had to work with people I would not necessarily be friends with and we all had to make it work.

I'm glad I got that job. I know that back then my friends were already successful and I was not. I know that back then I was earning a pittance. I would think back in those days about reading a men's health magazine and look at some lifestyle thing, I'd think about what life might be like if I worked full time and do things like have after work drinks and go out to concerts. I'm doing some of that now. 

One thing I realised this week. Back when I worked as an events assistant I'd fantasise about having things like Loake brogue boots or fancy smart clothes. I tried doing things like that for a bit. If I'm honest, it doesn't seem as fun and sexy in real work, because it's heavy and difficult to walk in. I dress for comfort. Also on the subject of shoes: I always go to the gym after or during work, which means that wearing my running shoes is much more convenient than having to swap out smart shoes. As such, those Loake brogue boots don't seem as glam as they used to. 

How my life has changed...

I should try to go to bed. There's lots of things, open tabs that I could pay attention to, but perhaps its just better to sleep.

Good night friends. 
I am feeling good for once. I don't just post about when I'm sad.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

It's been nearly a month since I've last posted.

I've had a lot going on. I don't really have the time to ruminate willingly right now either.

However, I've set my self a task to express gratitude for three things. Here they are:

  • My mum and dad are everything to me
  • I have good colleagues who tolerate my strangeness
  • I'm hopeful for the future