Thursday, June 29, 2017

dear diary
its 1925.

i'll probably get home by 9pm.

I'm busy at work but I have a lot on my mind. a lot of worries. A lot of woe.

The one thing I just wanted to share.

I'm listening to the glastonbury coverage on iplayer. Sleaford mods had really impressed me, also Run The Jewels. Really entertaining music.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

it's 1 am.

I'm reading a big bunch of magazines.

Wednesday is a bad luck day in my experience.

I am braced that this coming wednesday will be no different.

This week history will happen. I'm working at a newspaper masterminding a contract for a young up and coming cartoonist (younger than me - but I'm not spring chicken anymore), and masterminding a summer rota for illustration.

The general election is tomorrow. I feel like its the calm before the storm. I'm barely thinking about it.But in my work, in my job. EVERYTHING is about the election. I feel like I' ma little bit able to let it go, but I also feel like in other ways, I am definitely not able to let go.

Monday, May 29, 2017

dear diary
a note of  life experience: cotton underpants are the best. any polyester or fancy stretchy wicking space aged material makes the smell linger, and that's not sexy.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

dear diary,

i am ill, the true extent of my sickness I am hiding from my family and friends and it is a life-limiting condition but not currently fatal. However Im worried about my high heart rates.

I've had to change my routine lately. In some ways I've gone back to my old anxiety routine from when I was at uni. That involved: being around 24 hour news (and youtube, which wasn't around or popular enough when I needed it back then), watching a lot of things on a regular basis such as newsnight, 10 o'clock news, daily politics. I also like to read the papers and watch a select amount of TV.

I've set up a tv watching list. In fact there are so many tv programmes that I actually have more than enough if I wanted to make a routine of it.

However it's my mind that is exhausted and even watching loads of TV feels like too much engagement.

At the moment I am sitting calmly on my desk.

Routine is the only thing keeping me alive and sane.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

dear diary,

it has been two weeks since I've started citalopram. My brain feels very disordered. My head is aching constantly and I am frequently confused or distorted and I feel lows. But they are less frequent.

Perhaps a mild headache or dizziness, the kind of thing that comes with a second or third drink, will not be the end of me. On the plus side. I have lost weight.

The time is 1822. I'm at work, 2/3rd of the office have gone home. It's not a big news day and its a beautiful sunny day. It has not been this sunny in a long while. We are all hoping that it may continue.

I am at my desk at work because I feel that my job is the only thing that justifies my life.

Relations with my parents have met an all time low. I really need to rectify that. My wider family I suspect must be talking about me. My friends, well, at least I still have a few of them.

My life revolves a lot around routine. It helps me to have Google Home. I say: Hey Google, set me a timer for 8 hours, set me a time for 9 hours, set me a timer for 10 hours. And I sleep, I am woken periodically by many timers which eases me to wake.

A disaster looms upon my life.

A disaster of my own making.

What was it that Ultron said? We create the things we dread.

I sincerely hope there's a future after this. But before there's an after, there's the eye of the needle, the camel going through the impossibly tiny gap (that's a biblical reference).

My mind is not in a good way. But at least my body is in one of the best shapes it has been in years.

At least for now. I expect much to change.


Monday, May 1, 2017

dear diary,

i've tidied up a lot of clothes from my wardrobe. I still have a lot more tidying to do,but I am confident that I have gotten rid of a lot of my personal items.

the ages of me (in clothes)

  • 2003-approx 2011 - the primark years. I now resist anything from primark, As a principled decision. I want clothes that last the full cycle.
  • 2004-2006 - the wilderness years/stealing from my brother's style
  • 2006-2008 - also wilderness years, but starting to solidify my style
  • 2009-onwards - uniqlo era
  • 2009-onwards - base layers began to be prominent
  • 2014 - baselayer and t shirt convergence
  • 2015 - smart shirts worn casually

Dear Diary,

I've started citalopram again.

It was a big journey to get back to this stage to be willing to take the meds. I'm desperate to change my ways and improve my wellbeing.

Today I got up late. So late that I started to feel depressed about how late it was. The irony of being depressed about it being late in the day was that it made me less inclined to get up. Vicious circularity.

Every month or so I set a task: remove 100 items from my room. Sometimes I cheat and do something like 100 pieces of plastic cutlery (I had a thing about collecting cutlery).

Today (a bank holiday), I decided to go through some items. I've been meaning to clear out my clothing wardrobe lately. My clothes are a memento of who I used to be. Some clothes may still fit but I no longer identify or relate to it. It feels like a stranger's clothes in my room.

I got rid of 137 items, most of which are clothes.

I still need to clear out more things in my room. But that's a good start.

Monday, April 24, 2017

its just past midnight on sunday night/monday morning.

I thought it might be poignant to talk about the 'on this day' markers of previous years:

  • 2017 (this year) Theresa May called for Snap election
  • 2010 - my brother's band had an album release - he now is a music therapist 
  • 2013 - I was working in events - at Margaret Thatcher's funeral
  • 2014 - I was working at the Sentinel on Sunday, and I was invited to write some copy that ended up on the paper
  • 2015 - my gym instructor who ended up in a few porn films, did his last class (he emigrated)
  • 2016 - I bought my first polo shirts from Uniqlo. It felt like a big gesture of me growing up. Those very same polo shirts form my clothing staple at work
I think these events sum up the kind of person I am. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

things aren't so great for me at the moment.

Mentally my mind has gone to places I can't come back from.

If I come back, or get better. It won't be the same.

I've been thinking about CBT and the whole chain of thought thing.

An event creates a thought in my mind, the thought creates a feeling. The feeling has an effect on me, which may impact on my future behaviour (call that, the next event or event+1)

The event upset me, made me angry, made me feel threatened. Those are feelings so I'm skipping a step. The thought was that I was threatened or perceived that I was threatened. I can question that. The feelings are that I felt sad, angry, annoyed. If I change the interpretation (thought) of the event, I might be able to trickle in a reinterpretation of the feelings I have.

Then there's the link between my feelings and the effect it will have on my mood, my outlook, my motivation and that in turn affects my behaviour.

Something upset me and its made me feel like I don't want to go outside.

I'm trying to challenge my thoughts, feelings and its effect/affect on me so I can combat the motivation loss, and most of all combat my sense of loss and despair. In order to feel right enough to go outside again.

I feel like my end is very near.

My mind is tearing apart.