Wednesday, June 13, 2018

dear diary,

I've been at such a pace that I feel like I'm going to crash. I need to slow down. I'm worried about it.

On another front at work, "The Boss" who I never talk about, has offered me a new set of responsibilities. I think I'll take it on.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

I rarely blog these days.

I guess this is the situation I always wanted. I have a life now, quite a busy one, quite a serious one, quite a heavy one.

Blogging seems to be a bit old hat these days, a bit passe. I'm okay with that. In the past few years I'm less interested in having a digital footprint or presence and more about notebooks and other ways of being.

I've noticed a lot of GDPR emails, and a lot of things about how old features and services and APIs I was used to are now being phased out. I'm an old generation of internet user I guess.

As I realise this I feel like I want to be less on this online and digital world.

I'll still write on here, but more when I remember than anything. This is my old notebook, which I won't throw away, which will be for better and worse, my record.

It's full blown summer now. We really didn't have a spring, it seems.

I miss the cold, but I don't miss the late sun rises.

I went back to Bristol a while back. I thought it was going to be super resonant. It was for a bit, then I just wanted to go home. I've also learned that I really like hotel stays.

Today was a bank holiday, actually today is the day after said bank holiday. I went for a spontaneously planned BBQ and ate some lovely cooked meats. It wasn't that much, I knew my acceptable amount. I don't really eat a lot anymore.

I'm trying to lose weight again. I'm working well at it it seems. The key is to burn more than you eat. Do more than you eat in calories, More out than in. Also it helps if I eat less junk.

I've redefined in some respects my attitude to food. Food is a self soothing thing sometimes. Food has an emotional element. The key was to accept this, and think about accepting things as they are. Then facing each day as it is, and entertaining different possibilities.

I deliberately did more walking today, that was because I wanted to reach my step count. Tomorrow I wonder how much I will get done physically.

Life isn't how I wanted it to be, but its alright. I'm at a place where I can work forward. I'm finally in a staff job. I'm making more than 2 friends who have PhDs. I still wish I had a PhD. I'm now more thinking about mortgages. Fuck, I have a pension.

I'm glad that I still have my hair. I'm less thinking about comparing my life to others. I know that if I did, I'd fare better to most people in some ways, and not fare as I'd like to some people in some ways. I'm kind of in the middle, bottom middle but not quite the bottom. It could have very very easily have been the Bottom.

On the news lately theres' a lot of news about Bristol University suicides. It makes me think sometimes, but not too much. I think about it and then I get on.

Perhaps this blog will be my secret space to ruminate. I'll allow myself to do it, but...as you already know. I don't do it much.

I also write emails to myself in the future. I should do that more. I miss getting emails from my past self. It's time I will never get back, that past me gave to me through an email.

Anyway, I have some stuff to do before I go to bed.

Toodles

Thursday, May 10, 2018

dear diary,

Last week I spontaneously went to a concert. I thought this should mark a change for me. A change in that I should go out a bit more, do things that I want to do. Some of those things don't really involve people. But I'm trying to organise a thing for some of my friends.

One of my mates has had a break up lately, he's been in a relationship for 7 years. That's a long time for someone who is going to be 32 in July.

I figure that it's important for our mates to be together, to be there for him. Men don't really talk about their feelings directly, but they do bond by doing things.

I have friends who have PhDs, half of them have masters degrees. A few of them are on 6 figures. But we all are bonded by a few things. It's true that there are things that have divided us and taken us apart, much like how the Avengers broke up in Civil War.

Relationships take work. Friendships need effort and so do family relationships.

I'm working on my friendships but I really do need to work on my family relationships as well. It's something that is difficult for me. But intentions aren't enough: deeds not words and all that.

In other news, I'm having really really bad night terrors.

I'm looking forward to going to some milsim to play out my inner demons. I'll externalise them as zombies or tangoes and shoot the fuck out of them.
dear diary,

For reasons that are now evident to me, I make an 'on this day' notification on my calendar.

I'm currently going through late april/early may, mainly for entering all my data, which is going to be used in my productivity and monitoring report.

I have realised that it's been 5 years since that day I had an interview with the Sentinel.

There was a point, maybe in 2011 or 2012. I felt really really close to getting on a grad scheme. I was so close I could taste it. Then it didn't happen, and didn't happen again.

I remember the life: I would be broke, counting how much I earned from events work and it was a level much much lower than I make now.

Then one day, a sweaty May I think. I got a call, I got a call from an agency, who then set me up with the HR wing of the Sentinel. I had a meeting. Nothing happened for a bit. I applied for more work and got on with other things.

Then.

I got asked to do the first assignment. I also had an interview around then.

Then.

Nothing for a bit (about 6 days- 2 weeks).

Then.

Another bit.

Then

One 1 month placement, which became a two month placement.

Then, working on the sunday paper...

I guess the rest became history. Or my present.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

dear diary,

rumination is a word that's been on my mind lately. it's come up a lot in things i've read and conversations i've been around.

I've seen that new marvel film: twice; I've been invited to a talk near where I work on Thursday; I'm booking tickets to the deadpool and new star wars film; I've been invited to a BBQ just earlier and I'm also trying to organise what is called a zombie killing get together.

One of my mates had a break up./ He's been with his girlfriend for 7 or so years. It's such a big deal because 7 years is a bloody long time. It makes me think and reflect upon things. It also makes me really feel that we need to be there for our mate.

All in all things have been quite busy. I'm trying to lose some weight and recently I've been on a good target - except for a recent fascination with kebabs.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

dear diary,

I haven't properly looked at feedly in months. Perhaps even a year or two.

I realise that after 2+ years I won't be able to listen to all of the podcasts. After the past few years, I've ended up in a staff position and I'm no longer in urgent need to apply for jobs.

As such, I think I need to spring clean my feedly account- no need for all of those searches. I need it to work for me.

I've used it since it was google reader in the 2000s; things have changed a lot that I really don't need to use it as a catch all anymore. I need to remove some feeds.

This feels odd. Almost like a transition in my life

Monday, April 30, 2018

going back to where it began


I woke up on a Friday. I didn't manage to make coffee as I planned. I went to Bristol University via Paddington (after a close call) to deliver a talk about breaking into Journalism. I gave a presentation for 20 minutes and then walked in the link corridors to get to LT3 and get out of LT3. It was just the same as it was in the old days - well a bit different.

I walked around Bristol University and campus. I went to the old departments and visited my old memories. I walked the old paths that exist in my memories, seeing a living version of what I knew in my mind and what belonged to my old self. It is no longer who I am now. I began to get tired and [the first girlfriend] arrived to pick me up. [first girlfriend] took me to the Cotswolds. I ended up at her place and then met [her husband]. We put up a Gazebo and then we went to a place called The Priory to eat. I ate fish and chips.

We drove back to [first girlfriend's] place, I went back to the hotel. I spent some time with [first girlfriend's] walking around the suspension bridge, talking, having a heart to heart. We then cuddled for a bit, had a shower and were intimate. [first gf] left early. I on my own. I didn't sleep much but I did eventually sleep.

I slept late but woke early. It was a Saturday. It was the next day.

It's a Monday, 1am right now. I'm thinking about what all of it meant. It was an intense and interesting experience. I gave my advice and inspiration to up and coming types.

I said to myself as I walked around Clifton that I really just wanted to move on.

I'm now staring at my Alienware 13. Wondering what moving on looks like.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Dear Diary,

I miss when I could write more often in this journal.

Quite frankly, my life has changed far too significantly to be able to commit to the old form of confessional writing. Also, Lena Dunham has ruined it for everyone my age.

On my google calendar I have a notification that is rolling, to write down 3 things that are positive. That motivates me enough to continue writing in this blog.

I suppose I'll do a take of the week:


  • I've been quite physically active lately. So much that I have injured myself in several places right now. I need to skip the gym for a while.
  • I've been asked to think about my strengths as a person. I suppose if there were anything it is my ability to comprehend a situation. Sometimes I am not as quick as other people verbally but non verbally I am pretty quick.
  • At work I'm making a reputation for myself. The reputation being that I'm very positive and forward about diversity. It means something to me. 

Things I need to work on would be:

  • Not being injured at the gym
  • My diet. - my diet is a symbol of my sense of self control. I don't have a sense of control. Cracker (the tv detective said: I drink too much, I eat too much, I swear too much, I am too much). Perhaps I am too much
  • Improving my sense of having a social and family life

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sunday's routine


I have begun to codify a sunday routine.


  • Ideally: wake up early for Andrew Marr show
  • Cook slow breakfast - eat slowly.
  • Ideally: have perculator
  • Watch Peston on Sunday - continue eating
  • Begin to read papers/catch up
  • Start to plan week
  • Start to prep for long gym session
  • write up in my ledger
  • I start realising that I'm running late for my gym session
  • Go to gym session
  • Pause in gym session (water + banana)
  • Gym session (2)
  • End of gym ssession and prep for gym classes
  • (30 mins prep before gym class) + light workouts
  • Two gym classes 
  • gym classes and overall fitness session for sunday finished (around 1915)
  • Go home/get a bite to eat
  • Mind is slow/body is tired
  • Have a shower (a struggle), tidy up house/light housework
  • Do some light work at a very inefficient and slow pace but things I've forgotten to do in the morning
  • Go to bed


Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Aspects of PTSD life


  • being afraid to sleep because you fear it might be death and not sleep
  • people recommending CBT and 'easy' talking therapies, when I know about all that shit already, reading about mindfulness, medication and modern methods 
  • Unwelcome memories of the past
  • Unexpected but sometimes welcome memories of the past
  • Waking up and not knowing what year it is
  • obsessions - need to have them. They keep me sane. 
  • Unusual sleeping and waking times
  • Difficulties in trying to appear normal
  • Avoidance of social and family situations
  • Avoiding contact with family
  • Friendships dying away like a plant withering due to neglect
  • Things being described about you that are upsetting: description of childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse, isolation, mistreatment
  • Support - is there any?
  • Living in your own mental world - not sure if its a good or bad thing that I have one
  • The difference between the mental world I make (daydream, fantasising) and the one made by my mind where I am unfamiliar wiht it (triggers, bad dreams, simulations)
  • Keeping a full time job and being good at it
  • Having not much energy for a life outside of work, as I'm spending a lot of time being good at it.
  • Accepting that this is the way things will be. 
  • Not wishing things can be better in an instant, but realising its gradual
  • Not wishing things didn't happen
  • Accepting my actions, the past. 
  • Deciding my future.