Friday, July 19, 2019

After I got home from the gym I did a lot of over eating and I did a lot of catch up.

I didn't realise the time and its now 4am.

Okay. so. Three things I have gratitude about/for


  • Mum and Dad. They are everything
  • I have a great job that consumes me 
  • My PTSD has been not so bad lately
Other things:

  • Relationships could be better but they haven't gotten worse
  • I've managed to make it to pay day without a second withdrawal from my other account
  • I'm going to see a BBC prom next week
  • I'm going axe throwing next week - been thinking about that for ages
  • I got some support from Access to work, at work. They are going to get me some assistive equipment, because my eyes are getting quite bad
  • My weight has been going down, its certainly not going up
  • My secret to recent weight loss: enjoy the fruity watery goodness of watermelon
I should try to go to bed.

Monday, July 15, 2019

I'm reporting a workplace discrimination case at work.
On my Birthday I spend the afternoon and evening with my Parents.

Mum and dad wanted to go to Toby Carvery. I thought it was chavvy and uncouth. It was actually quite nice. The meal only cost £36 for 3 people. That is a piece of piss for London restaurant prices.

I talked with mum and dad, in a way that I don't normally do.

I've been so angry and on edge lately. I think my ptsd self has been taking over a lot.

I've been thinking about old me and new me and I'm worried a lot about losing the new me to the old me all the time. I'm worried that my anger keeps coming frequently and I don't know how to deal with it.

In the evening I went to the gym. I did some treadmill and very light exercises. When I returned home I had some food (takeaway) with my parents. They got a mixed grill from an indian place and I got some Thai aubergine Curry. man it tasted lush.

Lately I've really gotten into veggies, particularly broccoli, aubergine and zuccini. I have lost a bit of weight lately. I would say this is a combination of my eating and activities.

I'm also watching a bit of love island lately, like a basic biatch
I've been thinking about what kinds of topics I wanted to address from my recent life.

I'm going to be writing about these in multiple posts.

Last week was my birthday. My colleagues surprised me with a birthday card and some presents. I was so touched, I almost cried. There was so much love and so many in jokes. I haven't felt so valued like that before at work. I love my team. My team are some great people.

They got me pusheen things. They knew I liked pusheens.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Hello reader,

It's been a while since we've last spoken.

How are you? Time has passed for me, I appreciate that it has passed for you. What's new with you? New relationships, deepened current relationships, broken old relationships? New experiences, new identities, new interests? I really want to know.

I am not so keen to talk about myself sometimes. I have so much going on at work, perhaps you could say career defining stuff. I do genuinely feel I'm at the right place at the right time currently, with all the political stuff going on right now.

My birthday is coming up. I really need to make a plan. I've asked my bosses at work for some time off. I've booked up to 4-5 non consecutive days. Next week a guy from my school (Jermaine in the year below) has a funeral for his dad.

His dad is very similar to mine and it upsets me to think that he's lost his old man. It upsets me that I will one day lose my loved ones. In fact its been very much on the forefront of my mind lately. I'm terrified of what I could lose.

I've been through some therapy over the past couple of years. Some of it not by choice. I've learned a lot about myself. There is know-how and know-that.

The difference can be: know-that is knowing that i'm much more productive if I don't masturbate. Know-how is when I'm deep in activity or at home and my mind goes idle, and goes in directions I'm trying to resist which will impact on my other behaviour.

I'm thinking about avoidance. That was a theme in the group therapy. One person used alcohol for avoidance. The question I ask myself is: what do I avoid and how do I do it?

Lately I've avoided my family, and avoided my mum meeting my girlfriend after the first time didn't go so well. Perhaps i'm avoiding it because I am unwilling to face the negative things. Unwilling to let her speak badly about T. Or perhaps because I realise how she has such an overbearing influence on my life (mum).

Let's talk about gratitude, here are some things I'm thankful for:


  • Even though some of my friends make orders of wealth more than me. I'm sort of okay about making what I make...hoping I can get promoted one day
  • I'm saving money and I'm being quite rational about it
  • My organisation system is costly in time but it does yield results
  • I appreciate my few friendships. 
  • At work I felt like I had potentially developed new bonds. 
  • I'm getting a reputation for myself at work -for better and for worse
  • I'm struggling with my weight lately, but I'm trying to work on it. 
  • I love my mum and my dad and they are everything to me
  • My investments are delivering a small return
Okay, I have a few other things planned for tonight so I need to get on.

Good night.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Dear FutureMe,


The past few days have not been my best.

I have been thinking about some things lately.

I have been thinking about Self care. I've been through a lot and I go through a lot. It looks like things will get harder before they get easier at work. When I shine at work, I am dulled in life. This saturday and Sunday I got out of bed late. Although on paper I got all my objectives done, I don't think that I did so efficiently and getting up in the morning was still a problem.

I have been thinking about: What is important to me. I read a book about the bullet journal method and one of the founding precepts is that at any given time, one should ask if what one is doing at any given time, fits into the wider view of one's values and one's plan for life. In short, we need to be deliberate about the things that we do.

I have been thinking about The future. Honestly I don't know what lies ahead. I wish I were earning more. I want to move out. My earnings have been better than before but I still wish I could do better.

I've developed Lampe to be better increasingly, but I find that I shouldn't overload it. There's a physical limit to my actions. There's a physical limit to my time. I am coming to terms with my finitude as my 32nd year comes to an end. I realise I'm not young anymore.

It means I need to value what I have, and what is to come.

Thanks for reading this.


Sunday, May 26, 2019

w20 (last week)

last week (I didn't get all the numbers done for these).

I had a cigar day. I've had a few too many cigar days this month

My plasticity is high. I did go to a concert. I've been on 2 dates. I've saved about £750. I properly cook once a week. My distraction is a bit higher than usual

Last week I broke my weighted vest. I hit 4000kcal. I hit 18 total fitness activities (including modifiers)

I haven't read as many audiobooks. I haven't read as much. 

On this Day of previous years (w20)

2010 - Brother's friend Elv's dad's funeral
2012 - Stag do for Elv [he married my cousin] (they now have 2 little ones)
2013 - My mate (who turned 30 in 2015) gave me his VGA - I'm definitely not using it
2014 - Saw godzilla film,
2015 - My mate's 30th birthday, mum and dad are in mexico/guatamala. I set up a betting matrix document 
2016 - Gym instructor A's last class before her surgery (she's back and in good form)//Lolo C died (my mum's aunt)
2018 - I saw deadpool 2 after taking a half day at work
2019 - I broke my weighted vest. Had a hotdesker, probably the 4th person to cover me. He wasn't very good

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Things I'm positive about:


  • Seeing prices of studio flats not going up too much 
  • I have some upcoming social meet upts this week
  • I've booked a ticket to comicon
  • I'm catching up on things today doing what is needed
  • I woke up early after not getting up in the best way, to end up doing fairly well in the gym.
  • I did an LBT class and then a gym session, I then topped it off by walking about 2.5 miles 
  • I did some cooking this afternoon

Friday, May 10, 2019

Dear Diary,

I think that I found empathy difficult lately.

There were these girls at the gym class. They had just finished exams. I was trying to remember how it felt when I finished exams, to envisage how they felt. Cognitively speaking, I knew it would feel good, a sense of relief and a sense of freedom for them. Perhaps even looking forward to a summer of fun.

But I couldn't emphasise it.

Then the class ended and I felt my sense of exhaustion and relief. I was working out and pushing myself fairly hard today. I then realised a sense of relief.

This week my boss has gone off to get married. Boss man had a really busy week, not least for me busting his balls. We had a lot going on. Things were so tough that people from management and other sections of the paper were made aware of how hard we fucking worked and how well our section of the newspaper is working for the company's objectives.

I told my colleagues that I am over worked and a result of this is that I am actually behind on crucial parts of my role.

The commercial departments were forced to pay for some casual admin help (the kind that I used to be) to help me catch up on work.

When I have gotten home this week from work, I had barely paid attention to the computer, to TV, to the internet. Except for watching Game of Thrones I have paid attention to nothing else.

I'm thinking about planning for social events in the future.

My boy, my best bud, the guy from Bristol days. He's back in the city and we have these ideas about being one again.


Saturday, May 4, 2019

Last week in previous years

Didn't get a chance to reflect on this:

2012 - I saw Micky Flanagan in a Work in Progress gig


2015 - My instructor who first introduced me to classes left ; Saw Age of Ulton

2016 - My first polo shirt. As it happens I'm wearing a Black Uniqlo polo shirt now (not the same one as it is not so faded). It really is a sign of maturity; My last shift at the syndication service (sad), on the same day [the only man] at editorial management offered me a fixed term contract (I've since been promoted and my pay gone up by 9k since that point); My first day wearing converse shoes, The shoes broke pretty quickly.

2017 - My bosses won a major industry award for a major journalism project they worked on.

2018 - Desk move at work (I've since moved again) ; I gave a careers talk at my old university (then I had the sexes with the exes) . I had a lot of reminising and a very literal walk through memory lane. After Walking for about 90 minutes I then felt I've had enough of thinking about the past and just want to move forward and move onwards. I had a realisation at that point that my life which hitherto was often defined by looking backwards, was changing (not fully changed) into looking forward and into the unknown.

2019 - My bosses confirmed that I did have a pay rise and a job promotion. They told me I have been excellent in my role and service to the newspaper. I never thought I'd be in this place. I'm happy. I've also not told too many people. That same day when I had that chat with my bosses, I saw Avengers Endgame. I saw it again later that week