Monday, April 9, 2018

Dear Diary,

I miss when I could write more often in this journal.

Quite frankly, my life has changed far too significantly to be able to commit to the old form of confessional writing. Also, Lena Dunham has ruined it for everyone my age.

On my google calendar I have a notification that is rolling, to write down 3 things that are positive. That motivates me enough to continue writing in this blog.

I suppose I'll do a take of the week:

  • I've been quite physically active lately. So much that I have injured myself in several places right now. I need to skip the gym for a while.
  • I've been asked to think about my strengths as a person. I suppose if there were anything it is my ability to comprehend a situation. Sometimes I am not as quick as other people verbally but non verbally I am pretty quick.
  • At work I'm making a reputation for myself. The reputation being that I'm very positive and forward about diversity. It means something to me. 

Things I need to work on would be:

  • Not being injured at the gym
  • My diet. - my diet is a symbol of my sense of self control. I don't have a sense of control. Cracker (the tv detective said: I drink too much, I eat too much, I swear too much, I am too much). Perhaps I am too much
  • Improving my sense of having a social and family life

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sunday's routine

I have begun to codify a sunday routine.

  • Ideally: wake up early for Andrew Marr show
  • Cook slow breakfast - eat slowly.
  • Ideally: have perculator
  • Watch Peston on Sunday - continue eating
  • Begin to read papers/catch up
  • Start to plan week
  • Start to prep for long gym session
  • write up in my ledger
  • I start realising that I'm running late for my gym session
  • Go to gym session
  • Pause in gym session (water + banana)
  • Gym session (2)
  • End of gym ssession and prep for gym classes
  • (30 mins prep before gym class) + light workouts
  • Two gym classes 
  • gym classes and overall fitness session for sunday finished (around 1915)
  • Go home/get a bite to eat
  • Mind is slow/body is tired
  • Have a shower (a struggle), tidy up house/light housework
  • Do some light work at a very inefficient and slow pace but things I've forgotten to do in the morning
  • Go to bed

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Aspects of PTSD life

  • being afraid to sleep because you fear it might be death and not sleep
  • people recommending CBT and 'easy' talking therapies, when I know about all that shit already, reading about mindfulness, medication and modern methods 
  • Unwelcome memories of the past
  • Unexpected but sometimes welcome memories of the past
  • Waking up and not knowing what year it is
  • obsessions - need to have them. They keep me sane. 
  • Unusual sleeping and waking times
  • Difficulties in trying to appear normal
  • Avoidance of social and family situations
  • Avoiding contact with family
  • Friendships dying away like a plant withering due to neglect
  • Things being described about you that are upsetting: description of childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse, isolation, mistreatment
  • Support - is there any?
  • Living in your own mental world - not sure if its a good or bad thing that I have one
  • The difference between the mental world I make (daydream, fantasising) and the one made by my mind where I am unfamiliar wiht it (triggers, bad dreams, simulations)
  • Keeping a full time job and being good at it
  • Having not much energy for a life outside of work, as I'm spending a lot of time being good at it.
  • Accepting that this is the way things will be. 
  • Not wishing things can be better in an instant, but realising its gradual
  • Not wishing things didn't happen
  • Accepting my actions, the past. 
  • Deciding my future. 

Monday, January 22, 2018

I try not to wear branded clothes. I do not like advertising things unless I believe in what the words say on my top or trousers or jackets.

I like branded things when they relate to identities. I have some university alumni tat hanging around, some old shoe bags, bookmarks, and if I can really look deep enough, other things. I have a Bristol Blue glass tumbler. I now have work tote bags. I can really identify myself with a work branded tote bag. My boss has an anorak with the work logo on it. I'm secretly jealous.

I'm set to give a talk at my old university in March. Believe it or not, I've been asked to talk about my work in the 'media industry'.

Believe it or not, I've become a subtle influencer for a very specific kind of artist/commission. I pride myself on it.
For the past couple of weeks, well, I think since Christmas/New Years, actually, I've started playing computer games again.

A friend of mine, a banker, told me once how he spends a lot of his downtime playing his playstation games. My mate works unreal hours (50+ a week, 6 days a week sometimes) and not long ago suffered a parental bereavement.

One of the ways he deals with his situation is to not think about the real world and play his games to just let off some steam.  I am beginning to appreciate his view on the world. I've been playing a game where I control a paramilitary organisation fighting an alien invasion. It's awesome.

Time is short, I realise that more and more when I see my sister's family and my parents go older. I hear about my colleagues who have older parents and many of my colleagues of a certain age can relate to each other when it comes to elderly parents.

This week just ending, I received some messages from a former work colleague. Kim was a nice girl I used to work with and she has told me that she has been ill for a while. I heard from the grapevine that her father and grandparents died within short proximity. I keep a professional and personal distance. I don't know her as well and it's not my place to be comforting.

Last week, my bosses had a career defining moment. The re-launch of the Sentinel. I'm so proud to work there. I've been dealing with a lot lately. My therapist says that the amount of things I've dealt with have given me a sense of resilience. While I do think that is true, I do not particularly feel like taking on too much more right now.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I was practicing czerny's exercises.

One of the exercises involved independent action of hands full stop the left hand needed to play legato and the right-hand needed to play staccato full stop the challenge was for the mind full stop the mind playing two different sentiments, two different ways at the same time.

If I practiced I felt there was a challenge, the challenge of working with a broken piano and the challenge of working within my mind.

Working with a broken piano had its challenges, the feedback of my fingers did not respond adequately. I was then thinking a bit deeper, if the piano worked problem would be in my mind. Of my mind executing the right moves and right sensitivities.

I was reminded of the Cartesian distinction between Res cogitans and Res Extensa. I feel like the broken piano. Broken piano does not function because the mechanism is broken. In life my social functionality is not as it was. I cannot do the things I used to do because my mind is broken.

My mind is broken in ways I do not understand. I want to avoid people and social situations. There are only a limited number of social situations that I am capable of dealing with. Many unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation put stress up on me. Distress manifests as a variety of different emotions. Being in challenging situations tests me. Sometimes I'm irritated, angry or upset.

Broken piano can be replaced or repaired. It costs money to do those things. A broken mind requires work to change the connections between anger and situations.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

dear diary.

I think that my resilience has improved over many of the things I have been through.

I have been very busy at work, so much so that I feel a strain on my life with the overwork.

The Sentinel is having a big product launch on monday, and it's a big momentous event.
I sincerely hope it goes well. I have felt this odd sense of team among the people I work with. It's a beautiful thing.

In addition: other things in my life right now:

  1. Union dispute at work
  2. My eyes and health are on a bit of a decline
  3. My chest is hurting
  4. I do have PTSD now
  5. I feel weird about possibly seeing a girl who is married to an older man
  6. I've been invited to give a talk at my old university
  7. I've 'made it' in a little way.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Positives (Christmas 2017)

  • This year I made it to a staff position at work, no renewable contract. Permanent staff. Full blown pension and shit
  • This year Marks my firm transition to the full time work. Having said that, Last year was a pretty good marker of that. I've been in my role for almost exactly 2 years now.
  • My health -it's not great but its not terminal. 
  • My relationships - not great but workable
  • My relationships - with some friends have gotten better
  • My relationships at work are good
I live with a certain philosophy lately: every hour counts, possibly every minute.

There's such little time to waste. The one thing I miss is boredom. I don't have time to be bored. Having said that, I find a good amount of time to think whenI am unwell. I've been unwell a lot this month.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Positives for 'today'

(originally 16 november)

I got a lot done today, I made an efficient use of my time, I showed personal insight into myself

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Positives for today:

  • I burned 3000kcal
  • I didn't get tempted by lamb ribs, mcdonalds, kfc or chinese takeaway when I got home
  • I dealt with a big piece of adversity today
Hope for the future:

  • I will have more free time in which to sort out my life
  • I have made some inroads into my christmas present plan
  • My dad's started taking diabetes medication. This is a positive as it means he will now work on his health a lot more
  • My uncle's health situation has gone south lately, but it has gotten better after getting really bad. We are hopeful.