Sunday, November 19, 2017

Positives for today:

  • I burned 3000kcal
  • I didn't get tempted by lamb ribs, mcdonalds, kfc or chinese takeaway when I got home
  • I dealt with a big piece of adversity today
Hope for the future:

  • I will have more free time in which to sort out my life
  • I have made some inroads into my christmas present plan
  • My dad's started taking diabetes medication. This is a positive as it means he will now work on his health a lot more
  • My uncle's health situation has gone south lately, but it has gotten better after getting really bad. We are hopeful.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

I'm at a restaurant now and the waiter asked for my order but some people were here before me and they made a fuss and they got up and left

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about furniture. How much I like my office chair for one. I have mixed feelings about my chair at home at my desk.

I've been fantasising about Glenn Gould's chair. How I'd love to have an all purpose chair. It would fold, height adjustable (legs) and seat adjustable.

I'd use it to transport myself. I'd use it to play the piano. I'd use it everywhere.

Monday, September 11, 2017

writing exercise.

when did i first encounter pornography?

1. How old were you?

About 8-10 I think? I was introduced by a friend in his house.

2. What were the circumstances?

I was with someone else. He had a VHS video tape.

3. What kind of pron did you encounter? What behaviour and experiences were portrayed?

It was a european german and very explicity situation. It was aggressive and there were bodily fluids that I didn't associate with sex. There were also things that I didnt know were acts of intercourse

4. How did you feel??

I dont know what to think. It was a very shocking thing to see. I laughed. I laughed a lot, laughing was  my only response as I didnt know how to deal with it. Was it nervous laughter or awkward laughter? Was it funny to me? I can't answer that.

5. How did I talk with others about the experience?

I talked to a few people. I discovered that some people would tell my family, and others would keep it secret.

6. Did your first encounter make you want to see more or search for it?

No, not at first. After a few more times I saw it, then I began to look for it when I turned around 12-13 or so.

7. Is there anything that bothers you about your first exposure to porn?


I was not mature enough when I saw it.
I didnt know what it was and didn't know whether to say yes or no.
It had an impact on me and the way that I related to people who were either older or my own age.
It made it difficult to relate to people of my own and opposite sex

My first exposure to porn bothers me a lot.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's 2349.

I'm listening to the radio.

I'm reading the past 3 days worth of newspapers (still not done).

I'm looking at mid-range (£100-500) shoes and outerwear.

I have literally had the thought: who wears penny loafers? I bet I'll be that guy one day...

At that realisation. I think that the original purpose of this blog is now over.I was a young 20 year old or something when I began this blog.

I'm 31 going on middle aged.

I have discovered recently that I have new demons. Addictions and PTSD.

I need a lot of work on these demons.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

I thought I'd update you on some things, because I'm procrastinating right now:

  • I've been offered a full time position at work. A staff position, not fixed term contract. That means more pay
  • I might not be able to take the job
  • I might have to go away for a while ( afew years)
  • I have a tax return
  • I have low funds
  • I'm under stress
  • I'm not well
  • I want to get better
  • I'm working on myself a bit more
  • I should get back to work

Monday, August 7, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's 1940. I'm still at work. I did some work, I did some more work. Now I need to catch up on some life admin.

I've been putting this off. I need to log the things that have happened recently into my google calendar. I also need to set a plan of action for the distant future.

A lot has happened and a lot is happening. Perhaps issues that are too large and too head-fuckery for this blog.

I have addiction issues. It's really tough. I will need to make big changes to my life and changes that I am not sure I will be able to cope with.

But the thing is. I have to do it. The alternative is much, much worse.

I've truly fucked things up. But I feel that the fuckery was deep inside me. Something deep inside me was wrong and has been wrong. Deeper than my depressive episode of the mid 2000s. Something about my childhood.

Perhaps I should talk more about what happened during my childhood.

For now. I should stop procrasturbating and carry on with life admin. THen go home.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

dear diary
its 1925.

i'll probably get home by 9pm.

I'm busy at work but I have a lot on my mind. a lot of worries. A lot of woe.

The one thing I just wanted to share.

I'm listening to the glastonbury coverage on iplayer. Sleaford mods had really impressed me, also Run The Jewels. Really entertaining music.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

it's 1 am.

I'm reading a big bunch of magazines.

Wednesday is a bad luck day in my experience.

I am braced that this coming wednesday will be no different.

This week history will happen. I'm working at a newspaper masterminding a contract for a young up and coming cartoonist (younger than me - but I'm not spring chicken anymore), and masterminding a summer rota for illustration.

The general election is tomorrow. I feel like its the calm before the storm. I'm barely thinking about it.But in my work, in my job. EVERYTHING is about the election. I feel like I' ma little bit able to let it go, but I also feel like in other ways, I am definitely not able to let go.

Monday, May 29, 2017

dear diary
a note of  life experience: cotton underpants are the best. any polyester or fancy stretchy wicking space aged material makes the smell linger, and that's not sexy.