Thursday, May 10, 2018

dear diary,

Last week I spontaneously went to a concert. I thought this should mark a change for me. A change in that I should go out a bit more, do things that I want to do. Some of those things don't really involve people. But I'm trying to organise a thing for some of my friends.

One of my mates has had a break up lately, he's been in a relationship for 7 years. That's a long time for someone who is going to be 32 in July.

I figure that it's important for our mates to be together, to be there for him. Men don't really talk about their feelings directly, but they do bond by doing things.

I have friends who have PhDs, half of them have masters degrees. A few of them are on 6 figures. But we all are bonded by a few things. It's true that there are things that have divided us and taken us apart, much like how the Avengers broke up in Civil War.

Relationships take work. Friendships need effort and so do family relationships.

I'm working on my friendships but I really do need to work on my family relationships as well. It's something that is difficult for me. But intentions aren't enough: deeds not words and all that.

In other news, I'm having really really bad night terrors.

I'm looking forward to going to some milsim to play out my inner demons. I'll externalise them as zombies or tangoes and shoot the fuck out of them.
dear diary,

For reasons that are now evident to me, I make an 'on this day' notification on my calendar.

I'm currently going through late april/early may, mainly for entering all my data, which is going to be used in my productivity and monitoring report.

I have realised that it's been 5 years since that day I had an interview with the Sentinel.

There was a point, maybe in 2011 or 2012. I felt really really close to getting on a grad scheme. I was so close I could taste it. Then it didn't happen, and didn't happen again.

I remember the life: I would be broke, counting how much I earned from events work and it was a level much much lower than I make now.

Then one day, a sweaty May I think. I got a call, I got a call from an agency, who then set me up with the HR wing of the Sentinel. I had a meeting. Nothing happened for a bit. I applied for more work and got on with other things.


I got asked to do the first assignment. I also had an interview around then.


Nothing for a bit (about 6 days- 2 weeks).


Another bit.


One 1 month placement, which became a two month placement.

Then, working on the sunday paper...

I guess the rest became history. Or my present.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

dear diary,

rumination is a word that's been on my mind lately. it's come up a lot in things i've read and conversations i've been around.

I've seen that new marvel film: twice; I've been invited to a talk near where I work on Thursday; I'm booking tickets to the deadpool and new star wars film; I've been invited to a BBQ just earlier and I'm also trying to organise what is called a zombie killing get together.

One of my mates had a break up./ He's been with his girlfriend for 7 or so years. It's such a big deal because 7 years is a bloody long time. It makes me think and reflect upon things. It also makes me really feel that we need to be there for our mate.

All in all things have been quite busy. I'm trying to lose some weight and recently I've been on a good target - except for a recent fascination with kebabs.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

dear diary,

I haven't properly looked at feedly in months. Perhaps even a year or two.

I realise that after 2+ years I won't be able to listen to all of the podcasts. After the past few years, I've ended up in a staff position and I'm no longer in urgent need to apply for jobs.

As such, I think I need to spring clean my feedly account- no need for all of those searches. I need it to work for me.

I've used it since it was google reader in the 2000s; things have changed a lot that I really don't need to use it as a catch all anymore. I need to remove some feeds.

This feels odd. Almost like a transition in my life

Monday, April 30, 2018

going back to where it began

I woke up on a Friday. I didn't manage to make coffee as I planned. I went to Bristol University via Paddington (after a close call) to deliver a talk about breaking into Journalism. I gave a presentation for 20 minutes and then walked in the link corridors to get to LT3 and get out of LT3. It was just the same as it was in the old days - well a bit different.

I walked around Bristol University and campus. I went to the old departments and visited my old memories. I walked the old paths that exist in my memories, seeing a living version of what I knew in my mind and what belonged to my old self. It is no longer who I am now. I began to get tired and [the first girlfriend] arrived to pick me up. [first girlfriend] took me to the Cotswolds. I ended up at her place and then met [her husband]. We put up a Gazebo and then we went to a place called The Priory to eat. I ate fish and chips.

We drove back to [first girlfriend's] place, I went back to the hotel. I spent some time with [first girlfriend's] walking around the suspension bridge, talking, having a heart to heart. We then cuddled for a bit, had a shower and were intimate. [first gf] left early. I on my own. I didn't sleep much but I did eventually sleep.

I slept late but woke early. It was a Saturday. It was the next day.

It's a Monday, 1am right now. I'm thinking about what all of it meant. It was an intense and interesting experience. I gave my advice and inspiration to up and coming types.

I said to myself as I walked around Clifton that I really just wanted to move on.

I'm now staring at my Alienware 13. Wondering what moving on looks like.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Dear Diary,

I miss when I could write more often in this journal.

Quite frankly, my life has changed far too significantly to be able to commit to the old form of confessional writing. Also, Lena Dunham has ruined it for everyone my age.

On my google calendar I have a notification that is rolling, to write down 3 things that are positive. That motivates me enough to continue writing in this blog.

I suppose I'll do a take of the week:

  • I've been quite physically active lately. So much that I have injured myself in several places right now. I need to skip the gym for a while.
  • I've been asked to think about my strengths as a person. I suppose if there were anything it is my ability to comprehend a situation. Sometimes I am not as quick as other people verbally but non verbally I am pretty quick.
  • At work I'm making a reputation for myself. The reputation being that I'm very positive and forward about diversity. It means something to me. 

Things I need to work on would be:

  • Not being injured at the gym
  • My diet. - my diet is a symbol of my sense of self control. I don't have a sense of control. Cracker (the tv detective said: I drink too much, I eat too much, I swear too much, I am too much). Perhaps I am too much
  • Improving my sense of having a social and family life

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sunday's routine

I have begun to codify a sunday routine.

  • Ideally: wake up early for Andrew Marr show
  • Cook slow breakfast - eat slowly.
  • Ideally: have perculator
  • Watch Peston on Sunday - continue eating
  • Begin to read papers/catch up
  • Start to plan week
  • Start to prep for long gym session
  • write up in my ledger
  • I start realising that I'm running late for my gym session
  • Go to gym session
  • Pause in gym session (water + banana)
  • Gym session (2)
  • End of gym ssession and prep for gym classes
  • (30 mins prep before gym class) + light workouts
  • Two gym classes 
  • gym classes and overall fitness session for sunday finished (around 1915)
  • Go home/get a bite to eat
  • Mind is slow/body is tired
  • Have a shower (a struggle), tidy up house/light housework
  • Do some light work at a very inefficient and slow pace but things I've forgotten to do in the morning
  • Go to bed

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Aspects of PTSD life

  • being afraid to sleep because you fear it might be death and not sleep
  • people recommending CBT and 'easy' talking therapies, when I know about all that shit already, reading about mindfulness, medication and modern methods 
  • Unwelcome memories of the past
  • Unexpected but sometimes welcome memories of the past
  • Waking up and not knowing what year it is
  • obsessions - need to have them. They keep me sane. 
  • Unusual sleeping and waking times
  • Difficulties in trying to appear normal
  • Avoidance of social and family situations
  • Avoiding contact with family
  • Friendships dying away like a plant withering due to neglect
  • Things being described about you that are upsetting: description of childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse, isolation, mistreatment
  • Support - is there any?
  • Living in your own mental world - not sure if its a good or bad thing that I have one
  • The difference between the mental world I make (daydream, fantasising) and the one made by my mind where I am unfamiliar wiht it (triggers, bad dreams, simulations)
  • Keeping a full time job and being good at it
  • Having not much energy for a life outside of work, as I'm spending a lot of time being good at it.
  • Accepting that this is the way things will be. 
  • Not wishing things can be better in an instant, but realising its gradual
  • Not wishing things didn't happen
  • Accepting my actions, the past. 
  • Deciding my future. 

Monday, January 22, 2018

I try not to wear branded clothes. I do not like advertising things unless I believe in what the words say on my top or trousers or jackets.

I like branded things when they relate to identities. I have some university alumni tat hanging around, some old shoe bags, bookmarks, and if I can really look deep enough, other things. I have a Bristol Blue glass tumbler. I now have work tote bags. I can really identify myself with a work branded tote bag. My boss has an anorak with the work logo on it. I'm secretly jealous.

I'm set to give a talk at my old university in March. Believe it or not, I've been asked to talk about my work in the 'media industry'.

Believe it or not, I've become a subtle influencer for a very specific kind of artist/commission. I pride myself on it.
For the past couple of weeks, well, I think since Christmas/New Years, actually, I've started playing computer games again.

A friend of mine, a banker, told me once how he spends a lot of his downtime playing his playstation games. My mate works unreal hours (50+ a week, 6 days a week sometimes) and not long ago suffered a parental bereavement.

One of the ways he deals with his situation is to not think about the real world and play his games to just let off some steam.  I am beginning to appreciate his view on the world. I've been playing a game where I control a paramilitary organisation fighting an alien invasion. It's awesome.

Time is short, I realise that more and more when I see my sister's family and my parents go older. I hear about my colleagues who have older parents and many of my colleagues of a certain age can relate to each other when it comes to elderly parents.

This week just ending, I received some messages from a former work colleague. Kim was a nice girl I used to work with and she has told me that she has been ill for a while. I heard from the grapevine that her father and grandparents died within short proximity. I keep a professional and personal distance. I don't know her as well and it's not my place to be comforting.

Last week, my bosses had a career defining moment. The re-launch of the Sentinel. I'm so proud to work there. I've been dealing with a lot lately. My therapist says that the amount of things I've dealt with have given me a sense of resilience. While I do think that is true, I do not particularly feel like taking on too much more right now.