Sunday, September 30, 2018

This week in past years


My Brother('s band) released a single.

(2018: My brother is married, the bassist has a kid and works as a producer at a sports channel, one of them works for an aerospace something or other, and the singer is still working as a professional musician)


I retired my 'listening log' which I had operated since 2006 or 2007. It is part of a story of how my current records-keeping system continually evolved


My 'last' day on the casual contract. I thought I'd never work there again
(2018: reader: I'm a staffer now)

2015: My mate performed macbeth in a pub. Also seems like my mate Phi has been in a relationship for 3 years now ...she never speaks and is not interesting. Also that mate who performed Macbeth - still a shit actor.

I had a probation meeting (HR requirement) for my current job role (when it was FTC). I passed!

Political cartoonist sends me a book, I do some PR for her because I believe in her. a
On saturday I did some shopping - stuff from boots and also a fuckload of groceries. I decided it was a better idea to get the bus home as it was a heavy bag I was carrying. I hope it was worth that £2.30. Fuck, I'm a curmudgeony old man thinking about saving money. I've become my dad.

On saturday I went to boots. I've been putting it off for a while. I need to get more Corsodyl toothpaste. It went empty really quickly. I also need to get interdental brushes. The Dental Hygenist man said I need to do a daily regimen of interdental brushing to prevent further teeth shittiness.

I just cannot sleep right now.

Between 2-3am, I got some books from the shed and put them in the box room. Mum asked me to do that. I also put some books in a pile for disposal. I simultaneously cleared some of the shed AND did what mum asked. I bet she's still going to complain. If she does, I'll tell her how so many of my theology books are eviscent of my interest in the Catholic faith. She thinks I'm not religious. I know more about the thing she thinks she believes in than she thinks she does.

So right now I'm doing some decision making. I've decided to earmark an £8000 savings plan. It's nominally for a PIano, but I think it will actually go towards my Mortgage fund. Making these calculations, I realise that the kind of life I aspire to and want actually demands an amount of money. I may not have that amount of money right now. Maybe I never will. All the same. I think it's a positive thing. I really need like a 20-30k pot for a proper deposit. I saw a 2 bedroom flat a mile away for £230k. I saw another nice studio for £270. I *Might* be able to afford it. I can't wait for inheriting that house across the street (long story and its pretty tragic too).

Dear Diary,

I'm up at 1-something AM.

This morning I got up about 10 or so. I did some proper errands between 1-5pm. I got tired and fell asleep maybe between 6:30-9:30pm.

I pondered whether to get a deliveroo of dessert food today from the local dessert specialist restaurant. I decided against it.

I've been having some thoughts just now. Upstairs there's a skylight and I was right in front of the moon. It was beautiful and helped me think.

I thought to myself: what went wrong in 2007-2008? What went wrong in 2009? What went wrong in 2009 was a consequence of 2007-2008; what went wrong in 2007-2008 was a consequence of the uni years. What went wrong in that freshers week in 2004?

Can I really pin it to that? no, not all, I made other decisions since then, but it's all part of a garden. The garden has weeds and while there are some clearings, other perennials are deeper set. /analogy

Perhaps I need to focus my thoughts on certain things. Like a self-therapeutic process. I also need time to walk. Nietzsche's old dictum: some of my best thoughts are from walking. I need to walk, I need time where I'm doing something menial where my thoughts come, original thoughts, ideas, aspirations, boredom. The most interesting and creative things to come from such boredom.

I also need to make more efficient use of my time.

The preworkout is affecting my mind. I can tell when the preworkout is in my mind. I think differently. I think with lucidity. But with lucidity comes the fog. Sometimes I'm foggy. But....I feel like part of that depressive me was about those foggy moments. I felt like I was supposed to not be foggy and I couldn't shake it. I need moments of lucidity. This preworkout is a drug. Beta-alanine, creatine, caffiene, the combination of whatever it is is doing magic on my mind, but it is lighting out of a bottle. I can only harness it periodically.

So it seems my mind is shut on right now. I should make the most of it.

Friday, September 28, 2018

Dear Diary,

All the notable things I've experienced today I've written on a to do list on Google Keep. I've written so much down that I usually have the weekend to process it. Both emotionally and in an administrative sense.

The really big thing that happened to me today was that I had an impromptu meeting with my boss, who showed me the 'big thing' he's working on.

So, The Sentinel is [redacted]. It's so amazing because I grew up [redacted] and my dad is the kind of person who would really like something like that.

I'm working on [redacted]. It's a really strange thing to work on such an organisation which is setting its sights on [redacted]. I really love the New Yorker and it almost feels like this might be what it is to work for a stylish forward thinking but traditional medium.

But you know what, that didn't really feel like a big part of my day. On Wednesday afternoon, I made a thing that I called the 'shopping list'. The shopping list is a euphemism for when I have a fuckload of work. What I do is, I write a big fuckoff list of things, all to fit on a one-pager (another made up phrase I've made). I write the tasks down which range from gobbit jobs (a term I learned from a theologian at Uni) to more extensive tasks broken down.

Basically, I'm almost close to being a proper grown up. I've finally made it.

This job is so great. I do sort of wish I had a better job title that reflected the work that I did. I could say I'm an executive assistant (I earn more than them), maybe a PA? (I earn more than most PAs but not more than city PAs). I'd like 'production manager', business analyst, oh fuck it, why not call me 'editorial manager' with an aspiration to be managing editor. Okay now with those last few I'm pushing it. Production manager is sort of what I'm actually doing. I'm running a production schedule for many sections of a 6 day weekly newspaper.

Can you believe we've gone to this point in life?

Well, I've got things I want to do. I've become Ed Norton off from the film Fight Club, and like Ed Norton, I have become an insuffrable asshole lately. The PTSD night terrors are not so good. Sudden loud noises, things like cyclists who don't stop at a red light or sirens (sirens really hit me bad) change my thinking. My thinking isn't...healthy.

I haven't spent much time at the computer lately. I need to update a shitload of spreadsheets, do some financial planning and plan for a social life. I've not done any of those things lately. I really would love to take some time off, but I've got some pressing deadlines at work which prevent me from taking time off.

I want to talk about group a bit more. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the guys in the group. They were all in different circumstances to me. We all had to end the group and we are all doing it to move on with a semblance of life. They felt a sense of hope and positivity after finishing. One guy decided he wants to do more for his family and spend more time with his wife. Another guy has made a choice that means he has more family time. One guy is really close to getting into work (he's young). A guy older than me has a certain kind of routine in his life, thinking about his income and...well I'm not really sure if he has definite answers. Another guy has shown an increased sense of self assurance, even standing up to some of his friends when he didn't before - nigga grew a spine. Then there's the guy who I felt I related to the most, he had a lot of problems and demons. He's going to reach out to his stepdad and has career aspirations. The guy changed career (not by choice) and is making a new way in his life. I think we all are.

Am I?

I guess I aspired. This life isn't the one I wanted. But it is the life I have, and it's comfy. My knees aren't too fucked yet. I've begun to feel some arthritic tendencies in my hands lately.

I need more time to process things. I think my way of doing that is by writing lists, doing spreadsheets and then the emotions come out. I've already set up an inventory to schematise aspects of my life and problem solving.

I should also say - I'm adjusting my dosing for Creatine lately. It helps to lower the dose. I don't get that whole weirdness where I go all 'Eddie Morra' from that Limitless film but also with the really bad consequences.

That film really hit me, limitless. I probably saw it around 2011 or 2012? It made me feel that film was a defining moment of the decade (for me anyway) as the tone shifted so much from the 2000s. The transition from the 2000s to the 2010s was marked by a god awful new years eve party. One of the girlfriends from that party is now a talking head on various news outlets and she's a PR goddess. My mate really crapped out by not holding that relationship.

It seems that the 2010s are to close. You know. I'd really like to have a new years celebration. One with the boys. Maybe like, book a cottage somewhere and fuck around.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

My week has been so full on. I haven't really processed the last few days, because i'm still processing the days before then!

So here's me processing the past few days:

  • Monday: so busy at work - couldn't do gym
  • Tuesday: Penultimate day of group, felt really angry at facilitator (she knows why). Trying to just complete it without any problem//also had big meeting with The Boss (one of them) about some issues
  • Wednesday:
  • Thursday: So busy I skipped body attack. I left work early in fairness, but I fell asleep as soon as I got home. I woke up to eat and shower and plug in my earbuds (so they have charge for friday) but I slept again. Really tired!
  • Friday: Meeting with the line manager - turns out some shit's going down in management level. Anyway I was asked to prepare a dossier  - I ended up working until 7:15pm. I wanted to go to a concert but I think it was cutting it close to get to Cadogan hall. It was too early to get to the other venue for a jazz gig. I want to balance it out and not be home too late. Too tired for late night gym
  • Saturday; gym, fell asleep, had a date. Pretty good. Except for doing those things I was in bed exhausted for the rest of the time. So much so that when I got back from the butchers I fell asleep and left the steak in the bag. It ended up being 'room temperature', which was nice.  

Let's call that an executive summary of the week. I'm now working towards sitting at my desk. I wonder if I should stay at my desk until about 2:30 or 3 and then go to the gym, or really push things at fast pace right now and prep to leave for 1345. I Think the latter is too ambitious and too draining.

I've done enough sprinting this week. Sunday isn't my rest day anymore --- but, maybe I just will run rather than sprint.

My chest has been hurting a bit lately. And I'm really thinking about a blogger called Peeweetoms right now -- he's a famous guy on social media and not very well with the cancer right now... He's 32 (my age) and that's weighing heavily on me.

It's been drastically cooler lately (note to self: update spreadsheet). and I've been thinking about how it being darker affects my mood.


Thursday, September 20, 2018

On this day (yet again)

2014 -- me and the boys got together to watch the film Blacula. That was funny as shit.

19th september 2017

My records tell me I took lunch off to go to the British Museum to see [the ex] at a British Museum exhibit on the Scythians.

My God - has it been a year already?

The time goes by too fast. I work and work and work like a fucking dog, and suddenly a year has gone by.

I really need to take some time out. Fuck I sound like a broken record. The days off help me feel a sense of distance and time goes by less quickly.

(also really loved that exhibition)
Dear Diary,

I should stop trying to overexplain things sometimes.

I am heavily reliant on google keep these days (google calendar -- obviously, but I can't do micro detail on it).

One task I have apparently set monthly is to write 3 things I'm positive about in a day, and write a list of things I'm positive about in the future.

Things I am positive about

  • My work at The Sentinel really has an impact on the business, so much so that it's draining myself -- (no, no, positives).
  • I spent this evening mostly sitting up instead of laying down. I usually am laying in bed and that leads to inaction and then feeling miserable for inaction. Despite being tired from a long day, I have been upright and not prone
  • I'm glad that I went to the dentist last week. I'm really working on myself lately. That consists of working on my mental health and physical health. I'd really like a day off to take a breather and do some planning
Things I'm positive about in the future

  • Payslip's coming up
  • Next month I might get a pay rise (subject to union decision)
  • Today I went to a debate without speaking - being passive is not my strong suit
  • I've got a ticket to see David Helfgott in a few weeks
  • I have my health
  • I have access to clean water and shelter
  • I value my family - I can work on showing more gratitude
  • I have a support network, despite group ending soon.
  • I have a routine
  • I have a full belly - a bit too full but it isn't life threatening. 

When I wrote on this blog at the beginning it was always negative. And sometimes I'd be so negative that I didn't know how to not be negative, I'd not know how to be positive and the absence of negativity felt uncomfortable as I was so familiar with things being shit. 

The other thing is: being a depressive and then coming out of lost an identity. As fucked up as that is, its uncomfortable to lose an identity, its a fear of losing an identifier of youself that you are uncertain of what to hold on to. I'm looking at my desk right now. Big stack of papers to the left. Big stack of books to the right. I've got no shortage of things to do. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Dear Diary,

The past couple of days at work have taken a toll on me. I'm not so hot on it.

Yesterday I had group. It was the penultimate session. We are to finish the group and never meet any of the men in there ever again (a key condition of group). It was interesting to see their journeys. One guy is a young guy and he wants to get into work; another guy is getting into a new family routine; another guy feels more confidence.

There's a guy in the group, I really get what he's feeling just from the tone of his voice less of what he's saying. A guy in the group who is really open. If I were more open or if I were younger, he would have been someone I would be mates with I'd think.

Anyway, I just want to finish the group. I don't think it helped but it's an NHS pathway to more help. The IAPTs people emailed me recently to say that I need more intensive help.

Today I varied my routine by going to a pub and observing a pub debate organised by a local community group which I used to be associated with. I met a woman there, lets call her '42 but was 35 and hot when I first met her'. 42 is going away to latin america. 42 told me that she spent a year volunteering and is going back for a year away to work on some environmental and infrastructure projects in the central america.

After the debate (which I left early), I went to a takeaway and then got home. In my head I am thinking it's a Thursday, but it is in fact a wednesday (for the next few mins).

You know, I really really want to take some time off. I really, really need to be away from work for a while and spend more time doing what I'm doing right now, reflecting on myself, observing my feelings and healing myself. There are times where I really want to write and reflect and take stock of things going on in my life, but I'm too bloody tired or too much going on.

It's a good thing to be busy. I think the alternative is worse. However, I am beginning to think now that I want to pace things. Some days I want to put everything in fifth gear and get all the thins done and be wonderfully efficient. Other times I wish to sit on a bench and listen to the birds sing while watching a vast open space of a green park or a field or some sight in nature.

I've been using a lot of pen and paper lately. I'm burning through a fair bit of paper and a n amount of notepads fairly well. I could do better .

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Dear Diary,

There are some feelings. The deepest inclinations and emotions, things linked to powerful mTories and experiences, which I really wonder ever go away.

One of them for me is: abandonment, a lack of trust; that want to trust someone and then feeling let down. What happens then is anger, righteous anger (or so it feels) and then once the fire of that righteous anger burns others, a sense of emptiness of pushing others away.

Lately I talk about plays, play as in, a sequence of actions (i.e. power play). Where I work there are so many plays, so many mind games. It is perhaps the case that I perpetuate most of them.

My anger has a play, but I do it in such an instinctual way it is a weakness. I react in the identical instinctual way repeatedly. Perhaps so much that if someone were smart enough they could take advantage.

I feel like another play takes place, the play of pushing those away when I have a miniscule cause for doubt or mistrust or betrayal.

It feels fun to get involved in all the play bullshit, it also feels like running a script that was already written.

The bold thing to do would be to challenge that play, challenge that instinctual response. I would then be in a new and unfamiliar situ. Now wouldn't that be something.

There's a familiarity to anger and mistrust. There's an uncertainty to being open to trust.

There were people who wanted to help me. I'm not sure if there are still people who want to help me.

The feeling in me is the fear of being misunderstood, someone imposing their narrative or bias and not getting the picture that is correct. And my script is to control the narrative.

A guy in group once said that such behaviour is a sign of insecurity within myself. I think he's right.

I'm soon to finish my group. I think I've been avoiding the prospect of facing what happens next. I think I have been avoiding it because I'm not ready to be on my own. I'm not ready to be without the support.

As I conclude this diary entry. I should say that a visage of Mia has entered.

She and I are going to talk.

Just talk.

(no purging, I promise)

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Dear Diary,

I spent friday to see the GF.

Yes, I do have a GF.

I don't really want to say too much about her. It's my blog, not our blog.

I had a lot of time to think in the coach today. I think I mentioned that. I mentioned once to a friend that these days I don't have much time to be bored. Boredom is a luxury.

That same friend is about to begin a job with a £60 salary. Nice work if you can get it, as Ira Gershwin says. That friend has had health issues for the past couple of years and so it is great news that he's getting well again. I caught him on the way to a squash game not long ago.

I feel like sometimes I'm multiple people. There's the version of me when I'm super productive, and there's when I am not super productive.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Dear Diary,

Today is a saturday, I had a really long sleep last night and into the late morning. But I won't beat myself up about that. I was so tired yesterday and it seemed that the activity had an impact on me.

I spontaneously decided to take Friday off and went out for a bit. I went shopping with the girl and we just hanged out for a bit. I don't really do that so often so it was nice. In addition I sat on the bus in total for about 4-5 hours. I had a lot of thinking to do. I only had 100mb free data so after rinsing it on spotify, I ended up having a think for a bit.

So today: I had a mess on my desk just now. I put the mess of the desk on to my bed, and I stacked it in some kind of order. I'm really tired today and i was thinking about how much I value just having a day where I don't have to do things. On sunday, for example, I have a routine around now of having to prep for gym. Through the weekdays I have work. On saturday I have the nonsilent wind through my window carrying the distant sounds of a busy city.

My life is different now. Different compared to when? Different compared to when I started this blog and what I might now call the 'limbo years'. The limbo years themselves divide into phases: no work, work: part time: work; semi-full time; work, full time before contract...

I have a lot to do. A lot I need to do, a lot I want to do and just overall a lot to do.

Saturday is the day when I filter all of that out. I keep thinking to myself how much I want a stimulant. Not so much a self soothing (junk food etc), but something to boost my mind. I really am hooked on the pre workout lately (and pepsi max),

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Dear Diary,

I'm posting from work. I don't think I've ever done that.

I just wanted to communicate something. I've got a load of tasks set for myself lately. One of which is to re-do my CV.

I haven't even started on it, but I have set up a document to add things to.

Turns out that I haven't set up a CV since 2012? or at least that's what my records say.

If I think of the things I've done from 2012 to now -- it's a difference between about 5k a year to 30+k a year (hopefully up by 1-2 k by October...TBC).

But ...on reflection the difference in my life is between a 5k and a 30k life - and on reflection, that makes me happy. Not happy like 'happy ever after' happy, but 'I have no regrets' happy. It's an 'I'm proud of where I am' kind of thing.

Anyway. Back to work.

Just wanted to show some self praise.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

getting help. not easy

Dear Diary,

Ever since I started on staff contract last year (it's my anniversary). I have thought to myself that My Life (tm) has suddenly upped into a faster pace.

I sort of believe that to this day. I've been really active this week. I still feel like I've not been active enough. Perhaps I've gotten into a rhythm of things a bit more.

Monday, September 3, 2018

The Dental Hygenist

Dear Diary,

I almost seem to be addicted to Creatine. I am hooked on the lucidity that it gives my mind. I feel so very much alive taking it.

I've also been taking a lot of other supplements and I am eating a lot of protein flapjacks and fancy Gels. I need to try and eat real food as well.

On sunday, I had a plan to go to the Dentist. I haven't been in a few years and unfortunately a large plaque buildup necessitates 2.5 hours with a dental hygenist, I'm about 1.5 hours through. After the dental hygenist does their awful painful work, I'm due to have a few tooth caps, or fillings or whatever they are called.

The dental hygenist injected some really thick needles into my gums. I did cry a little bit. The last two needles I barely felt. I must admit that the hygenist was exceptionally professional. After the session, I was in south London's wilderness and never have been outside so early on a sunday. Against the advice of the dental hygenist (are they doctors?), I went to mcdonalds and had a breakfast wrap with two hash browns. I could barely taste it unfortunately and I also ended up inadvertently chewing on my cheek for some of it. Now I realise why it was ill advised to eat.

When I got home (after playing Pokemons), I fell asleep. I had only slept about 2 hours before going to the dentist. I spent much of last night...actually I don't even know what I was doing. I think I was downloading on the the BBC proms, or clearing up some google keep items?

At the moment I am planning the next week. I have been working on creating procedures for facing the day. Specifically a 'wake up' and 'warm down/evening' procedure. I have copy/pasted them into my gcal agendas for the next few days.

On days like these, when I feel particularly pensive, I look at my 'on this day' for previous years. I thought I'd share a couple of them:

  • 2007 - started purging. Yeah. Not great. Also poignant considering that I'm now getting extensive dental work as a result of that decision. So...yeah.
  • 2017 - The Thing. Yeah. Also...not..great.
  • 2016 - so apparently I've been wearing Kinisio tape as I really fucked my knee badly. I bought a 'wine' coloured pair of chinos (which I no longer wear) and spent £300 at Uniqlo. Another day in that week of 2016, was my last day as a casual before I started my fixed term contract. 5 years of working in the same place, about 3 of them as a casual, 1 as an FTC and 1 as a staffer. I also went to a BBC Prom
When I get back to work tomorrow, it will be close to my 1 year anniversary of being on staff. 

How do I feel about that? 

Good, I guess. But bittersweet. It took a long time to get there. But I did. I'm now in the middle of my friendship group in terms of success and income. Some friends are massively wealthy, others are not, I earn 'normal' money but probably more than my friend who is executive level in the Civil Service. 

Let's think about 2018 as an 'on this day/week', if I did, I'd write the following: 

  • 2018: I went to a BBC Prom: Andras Schiff. This week I also participated in a union wage claim, the proposal by the group was to wager for a pay rise of 5.5%