Sunday, June 29, 2008

Conferred a degree 28.06.07

happy anniversary...

more trinkets

I have decided to throw away some old trinkets and things, that are steeped in memory, as I am moving out in a couple of days..

  • My special sentimental boots, which I have started wearing since the beginning of my Master's degree; which became damaged (wear and tear). Those boots saw me through to the loss of my virginity, and those many precious cuddles by Marie...
  • My lamp which I bought from Ikea in my second year...damaged beyond repair as I now found out. It represented a seed of change, when everything else was in limbo in my life, I bought it in the depression period of 2005's summer, before my second year, after my first.
  • here's one I totally 'degree' certificate....

Saturday, June 28, 2008

more trinkets

I have decided to throw away some old trinkets and things, that are steeped in memory, as I am moving out in a couple of days..

  • My special sentimental boots, which I have started wearing since the beginning of my Master's degree; which became damaged (wear and tear). Those boots saw me through to the loss of my virginity, and those many precious cuddles by Marie...
  • My lamp which I bought from Ikea in my second year...damaged beyond repair as I now found out. It represented a seed of change, when everything else was in limbo in my life, I bought it in the depression period of 2005's summer, before my second year, after my first.
  • here's one I totally 'degree' certificate....

Friday, June 27, 2008

oh boy

Okay, I'm changing to get ready to sign a tenancy agreement. The following has happened this week:

1. Antonia came to see Radiohead with me in London
2. Antonia met my brother, my parents, and we slept in my parental home together...that demands a story to be told, but not for now because...
3. I'm fucking stressed out, due to the fact that I have to move out and don't know how to cope.

As I am changing my clothes...I notice my belly...I'm too fat.

I miss Marie, and I keep having vivid dreams about her.

I don't think its fair to have a relationship with anyone, when I am still in love with that beautiful Marie...

I am so fortunate, yet greedy, yet unappreciative.

I must learn to be better.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

...therefore I am

went to the doctors just earlier.

they couldn't be any less literally throwing medications at me. They haven't given me a diagnosis, they just prescribe things to me. This contrasts greatly to the story of how they said it was 'clearcut' depression in 2005, clearcut psychosis in summer 2005, anxiety, late 2005. I hate diagnosis.

I want people to see I am suffering, I want people to know it, I want to make them worrk it out., I have lost 90lbs and almost no one has noticed my loss of weight.
I feel so inferior. I am not good enough to be noticed, Im not good enough to attract the atention of people and the concern of others in the way that Moriarty can. Moriarty is always at the centre stage, even if he's not actually there. The latter of which normally obtains.

I purged twice today. only ate about a 700kcal pizza. I have no money in my account, but luckily, I am heading off home to my parents.

I tried to tell my parents about my MLitt application, that I have not yet applied to. I also want to tell them how much of a fucked up situation my life is in.


Why can't I have marie?

It would be nice to commit suicide around now. Real nice, but for some reason, I feel now is not the time.

The doctor made me feel bad because I used the word 'desideratum'; he said it wasn't english. Felt like a sign of disapproval and inferiority. Why are these doctors making me feels os inferior such that they rule and define me.

They label me, and it sticks to me, like glue, and like glue, it makes other shit stick to me at the same time. I want to have a really big purge, but I just feel really tired to do any mroe. I feel that I am not putting much of the effort in, inasmuch that I don't have any more worthy and heavy enough food to purge...most of it is just food-like acid.

I often measure my purging by units. Like a single unit is when there is force and it comes out in one big gush. Its hard to say it any more clearer than that. The purge I did wasn't much solids, but there was a bit of liquid, though.

I feel abslutely miserable. I feel like my life is in utter despair, and the one thing I can't bear to hear now is someone saying "how can I help you?", because I don't know how...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

did i also mention I'm feeling completely isolated?

Reasons I am fucked

1. Bank (money) problems
2. Housing problems
3. Academic problems
4. Emotional problems
5. Lack of long term hopes

Solution: purge, oh, and try to solve these things as best i can...purging helps

Reasons to purge

1. It eases my pain (like alcohol, but no hangover)
2. It makes me thin (eliminates one problem)
3. It helps me cope with all the problems of life (is helpful to me sorting out my other problems, so its proactive)
4. It makes me express my suffering that I cannot otherwise express (but it doesn't fully express it)
5. It gives me comfort.

The kind of comfort I imagine a beautiful girl could give, the comfort of being understood by someone, to be held in a gentle, tender embrace, to have her stroke my hair, kiss my tears away, have her hand on my chest as I tremble, when I am in distress, she is there to save me, to protect me, to make everything better, she's going to carry me in her arms as I am weak, and save me from all the bad things.

But, the more I purge, the more it is just a pursuit for the idea of that kind of comfort. It stops feeling comforting, it just feels like I do it to remember the first time I had that comfort, yet, ironically, it is a way of escaping when I really had that moment. As I sat on the street at night, with Marie, holding her, as we sat together on the pavement, talking.

I want to just scream....

I wish there was a Jesus, because I need someone to save me...please save me, someone...


M...y steadfast friend, when the pain doesn't end
I...n your presence, the hurt I can fend
A...solution, but never a problem

M...y newest friend, when the old ones leave
I...n your presence, the lonliness ease
A... way to improve, but not revert

M...y glamourous friend, with her they like me more
I...n your presence, it is worth my throat being sore
A...way to be beautiful, to be worthy of love

M...y loving friend, in pain offers comfort
I...n your presence, all my problems I can sort
A...means of comfort, when all is lost

Monday, June 23, 2008


everything feels heavy.

Want to purge, I feel the croissant in my from last night. Probably will just be a dry wretch if I purge now.

so much I have to face, so much I have to do, to carry; I don't have much time, I am losing everything.

If I don't get into a PhD i think I'll plan my suicide.

In the mean time I should plan to change the details of the NEXT OF KIN on my GP datasheet.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


they clearly like him more than me...

i'm definately going to purge for that...

maybe just cry to sleep.

i'm not good enough.

i hate myself

i hate my fucking fat body.

i'm not good enough. two conference papers and a research seminar, a poem published, radio interview, two interviews with papers and journals, two newspaper articles, a fairly well read blog (not this one, another one relating to my academic focuses)...and no popularity.

i'm lying if i said popualrity didn't matter.

life is a fucking contest, and i'm losing.Its not that i dont want to win, but i don't want to lose.

i don't want to be the centre of attention like moriarty, but, i just don't want to feel so inadequate.

not feeling very well.

i want never to wake up...

Saturday, June 21, 2008


need to sort out applications...where to live

how do i deal with all this pressure?

If you want....

to see me purge, Dial 1
introduce a new form of self-harm, Dial 2 for more options
go for a walk, Dial 3
Go out and eat, Deal 4

Please select your option, then press the * key to confirm...


Someone please help me...please...

Friday, June 20, 2008

fat comparison

sometimes I think the reason I am alone is because I am not thin enough.

So I deal with purging.

I look at other guys who threaten me and my self-esteem. and see how they look better than me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Process of today sofar

Today my day went like this...

1. Start off with a shower after getting up, I'm up quite early. Good
2. Get up to some administrative stuff, 'foldering', as I call it.
3. Work
4. Lunch

Throughout the day, I have been sitting and feeling quite distressed. I was thinking to myself; I'm not going to purge. I'm not going to purge.

5. Email regarding flat search...

Hi M

Unfortunately - one person beat you too it. It's a shame becasue I
think we would have got on quite well.

luck in finding somewhere

I'm not sure how to cope rght now. I'm going to purge my fucking brains out. Can't cope, can't cope, want to cry as well.

Marie is a trigger


Any thoughts of her seem to trigger for me.

Solution: don't think about her?, that's not acceptable

Marie I haven't heard from in a while.

I want to purge. Purging has the function of both easing my sorrow and pain, losing weight, and giving me a way of coping to the effect of sorting out my problems.

Maybe it is an evolutionary thing. Humanity has come up to some point where, by natural selection, it engages in purging behaviours to deal with their immediate surroundings.

slightly overweight

BMI says I am slightly overweight...

I decided to put on the highest weight in my weight measure. So no leaning forward or anything...


172.6 lbs

Sunday, June 15, 2008


Today, I have been travelling to an from the south of england to the north. From esturary accents to geordie accents. Geordies scare me. I pass york train station; a place that looked familiar...

Besides from that, I have been travelling for the most part of the day. I have een doing maybe about 12 hours travelling, of which 4 hours walking, and 8 hours sitting. The comfort of the sitting compared to my past experiences reminds me of an experience in the not so distant past. York train station looks like the place I was back then...

The year was 2007. I may or may not have startedd writing the conatus blog. Before I started my masters degree I bearly had found a place to live, in fact, I hadn't found a place to live. I was very anxious and very out of control in that I couldn't find a flat that would let me live there. I am in a similar istuation.

Skip back to 2006. he same thing happened. my formerly best friend, had rejeted me from living with him in the 3rd year. DIdnt' think I was good enough to live with him; didn't think i was gong to o a masters degree. I rushed so much to find a place to live, that I went into the first place that would have me. I was in such a hurry, such a worry, that I lived in a horrifically small place.

Anyway, bac to september 2007. I was in the train station of my university town; I was there not as a student, but a prospective postgraduate. I was a nomad, I was an outsider. The feeling I had
was one of complete despair, lonliness, inadequacy, isolation.

I think I may have started purging from then.

I felt alone
I felt homeless
I felt cold (because I missed a train)
I felt stupid (see above)
I felt anxious (because I didn't know when I would expect the next train, I was cold, and I was not in conrol.)

I was all alone.

I was sad.

It was a sad time in which I lived back thn. I was very fat, and I think, my clothes characterise the time in which I was in.

Today I wear an S size Gap t-shirt of stretch quality, so that it tugs onto my skin. I am wearing my 34' waist jeans, my boots, and my tissot watch that I got as a present for my sister's wedding and also a congratulatory present pertaining to my graduation.

I am just wearing my t-shirt, although I also have a corduroy jacket (which is actually a present for my brother that he never wore...I bought him a smaller "medium" sized on, which I now wear and is big for me.

I now wear a small sizzed stretch shirt; I had a shirt at home, a white shirt that I used to call "the tight shirt" It made me feel fat and very inadequate. Such inadequacy I felt, it was a white shirt, a white shirt was one that made me look evn more fat compared to darker colours.

Yesterday I met that menaing shirt, as I was at home for the weekend. The menacing shirt I defeated; it was so huge, even though it made me feel miserable and inadequate for being tight to me back in the day. I have defeated the shirt that once made me look fat. Now it makesm e look fat because the shirt is baggy, the irony aforementioned in previous posts is that tighter makes me look thinner, creases make me look fat.

What did I wear on that day? I wore a t-shirt, hidden in a shirt, I think. or a jumper that hides my fat. I also wore this big green jacket that I wore in 2006. I bought it after the "incarceration". I felt the jacket looked good on me, and it marked a moment of time, it looked smart, a little military, and also a little bit dark.

It was a nice jacket, one which I wear no more. for its size is xxxl. I wear XS sometimes now...

Have things changed?

I'm no longer a virgin
I can have a girlfriend if I wanted to
I am not terribly academically inadequate
I am not as fat
I am not as ugly
I have changed inside
The 'bad memories' haven't gone away, but affect me in a different way
Anger consumes me less, but isn't completely gone

More positives for sure, but I have many more negatives to fight, the loss of Marie is something I will have to fight inside me.

If I had a choice, would I remove the memories of Marie?

Its a hard question, deep pain vs. hope....

Perhaps one necessarily entails the other, but is it worth it?

I love her.

Supporting words

"My dear, I have every confidence in you" - 2007

"I love you, I love you...." - 2008

Words from a girl before every conference. I miss the 2007 girl...she just disappeared from my life. I do recall that she used to think we'd be great together, and that she would wish to cuddle me. She has a bf now. I miss her.

2008 girl, is Antonia...

"When you were an undergraduate"

Except for when I am willing to talk about it.

I wish for no-one to refer to 'me' when I was an undergraduate as if I was the same person.

I remember in school we had this black girl with a lovely unique african name. Everyone in school used to tease her because it was different. She then changed her name, apparently, in secondary school as a teenager to fit in, and feel better about herself. She called hersefl Kimberley.

In some ways; I wish not to be remined of who or what I was as an undergraduate.

I look at myself in the glass while I sit here on the tain to my conference, with my black rimmed glasses, I see an old man; tired eyes, sunken, dark. Skin tired of life and energy, as if one is to be continuing on in such a manner for such length of time.

Kids are often asked, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I feel as if I do not ask myself that question in a way that is prospective to some future goal. I am asked it now, as an awkward question to which I cannot answer.

I am a coward because I find it hard to talk to girls

I am a coward because I find it hard to talk to Marie.

I'm a coward because I find it hard to send emails

Things I need to sort out:

i. PhD
ii. Money
iii. Place to live

All very dfficult right now...i feel like people will judge me for each decision

On the way to the conference

Wifi internet; what a world we live in.

There are so many wonderful things that have changed about the world since 2004; the time in which my mind, and my heart had stayed in for so long. I think apt time is to move on, and what a time we live in.

Lets state some positives about 2008:

i. Wireless internet
ii. subnotebooks
iii. mp3 players
iv. cheap but strong work boots from ebay
v. primark clothes
vi. book chairs
vii. PDAs
viii. facebook (mixed blessing, granted)
ix. USBs and SD cards...

Fuck it, can't I dream?

i've lost hope even to hope.

What may I hope?

Success ...unsure
happpiness?...fuck off!

I want marie. I need her. I want someone to understand me. Why won't anyone want me? I feel so alone


Went home

Sister, brother in law, brother and his girlfriend, all tagteam on me...

"So you have no plans for the future?"


The one thought that came to my mind; can't cope with all their pressure; can't cope. need to distressed.

Also. I don't like anyone mentioning who I was when I was "an undergraduate"; or the days before mia.

The fat days, as I see it, are in the past. Can we please leave it there? I am not that person, I don't want to be associated with him in any way...he doesn't make me feel good about myself.

I need to purge. I feel pretty shit

In other news...I'm giving a conference paper later

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Oh no...

I've gotten my clothes out of the wash this morning (12.06.08); I was getting up early to prepare to go home to my parents, then later a conference this week...

I've fucking destroyed my badge. I wear an alumni badge from my old catholic school. It's kind of like the one most important thing in my life; and I've fucking destroyed it!

The badge represented everything to me. It represented the past, cherished memories, who I was, who I could have been...who I am.

I've lost it now. I've fucking destroyed the badge. It was my heart.

It symbolised the old days; it said on it cor numinis fons luminis; the heart of God is the source of light.

I've lost it. I've lost my heart.

I used to be known as the legend when I was in that school. I was special then. Now I am not...

I have to fight on, because I have a conference and other stuff in life to move to...

I've finally divorced from that past.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Okay...a lot has happened

1. Big BIG research seminar
2. Had a night out with the department after 1.
3. Antonia is having a difficult time, which led to...
4. Antonia ends up on my doorstep, she sleeps over
5. I have crazy long sex with Antonia, okay, not expected...
6. I've missed a day of studying...bad bad
7. Trying to fix calendar and Microsoft outlook

technology brings me independence, given my disability

Friday, June 6, 2008


I signed on to my uni email today; I wanted to email the HoD (scary man) about travel expenses to a conference. I saw an email from Greg, <no subject> on the inbox. I purged it immediately. Not even going to read it. I just deleted it.

Afterwards, I had a reflection, what exactly does this action mean? What exactly have I done? Is this a terrible thing? Am I a terrible person? Or, was I doing something defensive, doing something to move on from the past. Doing something, that the new me would do.

A lot has changed of late, and its scary. Antonia wants to have casual (non-relationship) sex with me. She likes the sex, she likes me. I am lonely, and I long for tenderness. I don't care if it seems like she is using me. I just want to be held. I might take up her offer.

Is this the new life I should get used to? Moving on from my antisocial friends, and moving forward into crazy sex?

I'm scared....I just want to be the little boy in parochial school again...

Thursday, June 5, 2008

is it obvious?

....If I have changed from a shirt size XXL to XS in under a year
....If I am purging quite loud
....If I am wearing tight clothes
....If I hide away from the world
....If I'm not good enough
....If she was the most perfect person for me


the doctor warned me about taking too many anxiety pills...they will stop my heart or something

what I wanted to say to them...


I hope it does stop my heart...cos then, it will be more than just a technicality.

I feel so dead inside.

I have a pile of pills in front of me; painkillers, headache, caffiene, anxiety...

Oh, the wonders of the modern age. This is what it means to be a grownup. Drugged up and fucked out.


Do I remember what happiness is like?

I think its close to being drunk...

I like Leibraumilch wine.

Being drunk eases the pain.

I've been drinking about a bottle a day.

Its 600kcals, eases the pain.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Why I avoid Greg

Greg brings out the worst aspects in me when I am around him. They are indeed things I do which are bad, I don't want to do them, so I avoid Greg, and try to critically reflect upon such bad behaviour to curb it. Can I eliminate it? Maybe, or maybe not. I think one of the better things I can do is avoid Greg to avoid my faults that come about when he's there.

Greg made me think bad things about Moriarty last night, and he said one phrase...

"You will always be remembered as the one who lost to [Moriarty]"

That seems to encapsulate everything that is a trigger in that sentence.

I want to purge now


Today I had a nap after eating (a former favourite of mine - Findus crispy pancakes). I went to sleep, in distress.

Next memory, was waking up. Remembering nothing. All I remember was the warmth from my sleep, the feeling of comfort of being on a soft bed, physical comfort, warmth. The beauty was having no memory, until I looked at the books on my nightstand, and it all came back.

Part of me wanted to lose myself in the illusion that I had no memroy, no pain. I was still me, I was still the same person, but I had none of the pain, none of the triggers.

What a joy. I also woke up listening to some Chopin, the Chopin reminded me of the old days, when I also took naps.

I want to die


A bad thing to do is to reject criticism

A bad thing to do is accept all criticism

I think one thing I did about avoiding greg, is avoid his criticism; and when I saw him today; I thought it was quite relevant and good.

Its a fault if it were the case to deal with critical people by avoiding them.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Fucked over

If I get more distressed than I am now. I think there might be a precedent...before I got hospitalised.

I surely did lose hope around then.

A certain irony. I've spent this whole period purging trying to move away from there, and the girl that makes it all improve (well, inter alia), leaving takes me back to that point.

I'm scared to return to that emotional territory, but, on the other hand, I have been in similar places before.

I need to be strong...


God, I feel so fucking low today.

Just another thing to distress me. But you know what the worst thing is about me?

I'm jealous, I'm possessive, and that is paired with the irony that I'm afraid to commit, and I'm afraid to be honest about my feelings.

I'm a real piece of shit.

I must improve myself...on pain of lonliness

Sunday, June 1, 2008

"You may experience changes around your body" something I heard when going through puberty.

I see this metamorphosis of purging as something similar; like the caterpillar turning to the butterfly; the egg to the chicken, the acorn to the tree.

Recent changes: I am feeling more bones around my shoulders. my ribcage is showing just a bit (but not enough, my collarbone is becoming more defined, my waist and groin is showing more definition, and a bit more bony bits; but not enough yet.

Just think. When I started this blog I could fit into my (fat) dad's 40' trousers. I bought a pair of 30' to wear as a celebratory one day. 30' is like my celebration that I made it. I can't fit in them yet...I'll need to lose more leg mass. Its a shame cos my legs are quite muscular. But I must sacrifice that for the goal

Mental illness

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