first use of new pixel buds
received bike lubes from amazon
talking to dad about braverman
missed classes
Monday, October 31, 2022
Monday 15 August
(after midnight) i have regained lucidtiy after feeling ill during all of sunday in heatwave
i broke reflective light pad on my bike as i got home
half day sick
recovering from panic
'this looks like discrimination' email to Beth
Access to work says that I should expect to hear from case manager within 3-4 weeks of this date
mum and dad found my jacket in the box room and moved it, it made me feel an intense pang of fear
W43 2022 (in summary)
Week ending 30th October 2022 was eventful. Let's go backwards
Sunday: I'm recovering from Comicon. I decided to not go to day 3 of MCM. I did decide to do some gruelling gym and I started doing some dumbell exercises that I've not properly done since the injury or even before. My arm is still very weak and it was excruciating to train. I did 48 mins of treadmill but I stopped when I felt my knee and ankle rolling. I thought I had to stop as I'd get injured if I continued
Saturday: day 2 of MCM. wasn't as fun as day 1. I'm exhausted from Friday and still reeling from the intense conversations. Speaking of intense conversations, J was telling me about the power of an ancient text which seems to reference trans people in the ancient world and how special it is for her to feel like what she goes through has existed for thoursands of years. I ordered the book and I am moved by her account
Friday: Day 1 of MCM, I did some work (I was there for work) and then I went to a fundraiser. I spoke all night to a person about my activism and i got a bit more real than I usually am. we talked about nonmonogamy, coming out, she was so lovely and I learned so much from her. Also I witnessed some amazing drag artists. I don't understand drag but I am beginning to like it more
Thursday: I went to the office. I felt uncomfortable. I went to a lovely networking meeting. I met someone from another media organisation and we had a great and profound chat. I went home in a rush because I was very keen to do my gym stuff
Wednesday: Difficult day with HR meeting. I don't want to talk about it here
Tuesday: Went to the office, went to a media industry meet up, had a cigar, i went home soon after the post meet social because I wanted to do my training at the gym, I got more steps than usual today. I walked home, quickly biked back the route in which I came from the tube to the gym, did my business and got home.
On reflection of describing this week backwards, I was really active. I'm glad that I lost so much bodyfat this week but I worry that my weight loss gains are reducing. I feel guilty when I eat. I...feel like the old me is coming back in a way I don't like. I also like my old (thinner) body is coming back without purging. I'm not purging but this whole borderline obsession with having to do the gym ritualistically is ...worrying. I guess it helps not being fixated on politics or whatever.
My hopes for the future 31/10/2022
- Get through Christmas without too much awkwardness
- Get my logging done
- Get to 106kg this coming week
- Keep or reduce my bodyfat of 28%
- Keep active/manage my agoraphobia
- Maybe have some more socials
- get my savings up
- Eat healthy
- hope mum and dad keep healthy
- Want the best for my friends
- Want the best for the trans community
Sunday, October 30, 2022
30 October
ABC Please
A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met lots of people this week, went to networking event on Thurs, met some other industry people on Tues, comicon on Friday and Saturday. Met a nice new person on Friday
B: Build mastery in activities to make you feel confident - I've done lots of steps and I've kept self discipline with calories
C: Cope ahead: I think I could do better. I have anticipated fatigue and I have planned some things ahead of time. But I am not...as ahead or coping as I'd like
P: Physical illness prevention: I thought last week about what my healthy weight needs to be: between around 80kg would be good. so that's me losing 35kg. Let's see how I can cope
L: Low vulnerability to diseases - I don't know how to answer this. I should seek out help
E: Exercise regularly: check
A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I had a couple of takeaways
S: Sleep healthy: I think I've done okay with this?
E: Eat healthy: I've lost weight even though I had takeaway. My activity level has gone up
Tuesday, October 25, 2022
dnesday 19 October
I was very sick during the interview
feeling very low
after midnight i was working on the style guide flat out
Monday, October 24, 2022
Thursday 20 October
feeling very negative
liz truss resigned today, announcing leadership process
I hit 109 yesterday weight loss (109kg)
Monday 8 August
low motivation
29 degress today (hot)
cleaning hair from bathroom (3)
coping with anger (not expressing it)
Sunday, October 23, 2022
Tuesday 9 August
Finished S2 of the boys today
opened my birthday cards (a month late)
My sister put the dogs name in the card
My brother did two sparate cards one written from his son.
(£) buy prom ticket
abc please
A: Accumulate positive experiences - Honestly I don't think I've done any of that lately
B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless, I'm continuing rehab and continuing work on treadmill about an hour a day. Today I cycled a bit
C: Cope ahead: Not really doing so well with that. I booked in some social time in the upcoming few days
P: Physical illness prevention: I am recovering from illness. I'm experiencing a lot of distress
L: Low vulnerability to diseases: pass
E: Exercise regularly: yes I even worked through my illness a couple of days
A: Avoid mood altering drugs, the hardest thing I had was a footlong at subway. I ignored most of the junk food at home
S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with sleep, sleeping a lot though
E : eat healthy - I think I'm doing well for food. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the past few ddays. I should feel happy about that but I don't. I also notice that my body silhouette has changed a lot
weight goals achieved faster than expected . I was originally estimating 110 or maybe the upper end of 109. I'm on the bottom end of 108kg - so 108 and 108.4 the past couple of days. I'm losing weight quite drastically. My barbour jacket (shirt jacket, not proper waxed) is now looking baggy on me. I went to the department store to wear some barbour jackets and Large fitted me. I'm thinking to myself that when I go and watch Black Panther on 11th November I'll go back to the department store and see what my weight is and I'll try wearing that jacket again. It seems my weight is going down. This new routine of going on the treadmill and avoiding emotional eating is having results. I don't feel healthy and I don't feel happier though. I feel sick. I feel deeply mentally sick and I feel like ...this is almost not what I want.
Friday, October 21, 2022
on sunday I started working on my admin tasks and then I suddenly fell ill. I had an intense fever. Then I got very tired and now I seem to have diahorrea. I've lost a lot of weight, not eaten much, I've still been working out a bit. I cant diahorrea much fi I don't eat much. I had some lovely sausage role snacks last night. I've been working all night it is 4:26 am
I'm only now since sunday able to keep up on my google keep. My tile today for therapeutic writing is: 'self discipline'.
I've lost a good amount of weight. so much so lately that my silhouette is changing a bit. I also feel like inside I'm changing. I'm still a fat guy but I'm turning into a not-fat guy if I keep up this hour a day of treadmill and good eating no junk food and no comfort eating.
Self discipline is mental, all that physical stuff is mental. My dad said to me the other day how strenght isn't about in your arms and i told him bullshit he doesn't understand strength, people who develop their strength have mental strength, if everyone had that level of mental strenght, more people would have that physical strength. It's something you work on, its the essence of discipline. The discipline is keeping at it even when you don't feel like it.
I was suddenly reminded of the piano days.
Lately I hav these flashbacks. I have a lot of very upsetting flackbacks. I believe they are some kind of challenge, I believe these flackbacks come to me like some ghost of Christmas past that I need to re-fight to find my worthiness as a warrior in the present. I'm dealing with some really heavy stuff at the moment and taking a toll on me.
Sunday, October 16, 2022
Friday 22 July
I did not apply to the select committee job
I got an email about the dialogue programme at work
I lost my Totem badge
I'm witnessing people being very nice to Leachy, I feel a bit jealous but not so jealous knowing my burden will be great.
feeling very ...groggy in the morning
struggling at work
I'm writing this on 16th October - I haven't properly logged this day until now. I've been avoiding it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2022
ABC Pleease
A - Accumulate positive experiences: I did gym after work today
B: Build mastery in activities: I'm trying very hard to keep to a routine and keeping consistent, in essence I'm working on self discipline
C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this - today I wrote things in my diary for upcoming dates
P: Physical illness prevention: I got my caloric deficit down
L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I have had a lot of distress lately
E :Exercise regularly : check
A: Avoid mood altering drugs. My drug of choice lately is Guiness and a footlong sub
S: Sleep healthily - Except for Monday morning I have been overwise good
E: Eat healthy; I think I'm losing weight.
Saturday, October 8, 2022
Gratitude exercise:
I appreciate my family who keep their distance and yet remain supportive and ask no questions
I appreciate the yellow sticker food in Waitrose
I appreciate Mike the technician at the Brompton workshop in south london who made my bike go from clanky disappointment to functioning folding bike
Friday, October 7, 2022
A: Accumulate positive experiences - I push myself on the treadmill and I'm focussing on specific goals with my rehab and fitness and eating. So...I guess that's positive?
B: Build mastery in activities - the rehab is making me get back to pre-injury. It's a really emotional journey but I am working on it almost daily. I have some days off though
C: Cope ahead - there's a lot going on. I'm the weakest at this
P : Physical illness prevention - I got quite unwell lately. Hazard of what I do
L: Low vulnerability to diseases - I deal with lots of distressing and people's personal situations, it means I got quite unwell and I will continue to
E: Exercise regularly - tick
A: avoid mood altering drugs. I am eating a bit more crap than I should, but I'm working on it.
S: Sleep healthy - the one thing I've actually done really well lately, excusing the fact I'm up at 3am right now
E: Eat healthy - I eat my veggies at the work canteen, but I could do better
As well as ABC PLease I have an alphabet of good things to do.
Here's one: Practice gratitude. My mum and dad support me a lot and I have a brother that loves me. I'd be lost without them.
How's that for authentic gratitude, writing that made me cry a little.
Saturday, October 1, 2022
ABC PLEASE
A : Accumulate positive experiences : I did a lot of gym lately AND worked on a caloric deficit
B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: doing my rehab exercise
C: Cope ahead I haven't been so good at this
P: Physical illness prevention: Gym, cycling, getting to the gym after work and grinding at the gym late
L: Low vulnerability to diseases: not sure how to answer that
E: Exercise regularly : see above
A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I'm working on fighting my junk food addiction -- to some success, but I don't feel like I did as well eating those cheese thins earlier in the morning
S: Sleep Healthy: I think I've been doing good with this even though the cold weather makes it harder to get out of bed
E : Eat healthy - Working through it slowly but maybe improved
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)