Thursday, October 31, 2013

Perhaps one of the hardest and most frightening things in the world to me is asking for references. 

I have bad memories of asking for references from academics...because of the whole eating disorder thing and depression that happened during that period.


I would like to ask the manager I was working with at the Sentinel to my reference for upcoming job applications. Things I am afraid of:

  1. Her saying no
  2. Whether its appropriate to ask
  3. I don't know really - i'm just scared


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

writing blog post on my last day at placement at sentintel. i'll miss it. it was fun. But i'll be glad to have more time...when I got it I had no expectations, and since then I kind of had a taste of how things could be better. Now I'm back to being shit old me again, and not managing a specialist area of a news desk of an international news organisation. 


goodbye cool world.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Things on my mind

Things are going well in some ways


  • Got more to say on my CV RE: Work experience

  • Got more money

  • Got more to do with the Garden

  • Got a plan of things that I could do


Things that I can work on


  • Job applications

  • Fitness

  • Social life

  • Making my life better


Things that I am cautious about:


  • Money worries

  • Anxiety

  • Depression coming back

  • Not doing everything

    • Having so much to do that I am inefficient

Monday, October 28, 2013

Dear Diary,


Busy sunday at work. I had occupied myself with lots of various tasks, much of it was an attempt to catch up with everything. This monday is going to be the penultimate day I'm working at Sentinel Sport. I'll be working with the guy that I was covering for sick leave. He's coming back on reduced hours. 


In other news I've been doing various things: mostly planning stuff, sorting stuff. I went through a fuckload of newspapers, I read about 2 weeks worth of newspapers and magazines just now, while watching 8 episodes of New Girl and '2 Broke Girls', I also watched a familiy guy episode. After the reading I had a bite to eat and watched How I met your Mother on the tivo downstairs. I like that show, I don't know why.


At work I went on the 'wrongplanet' aspergers forum, as it was 'quiet' at work today. I found out that there is an arts and performance thing going on with Autism and aspergers people, or for them, rather. It's called stim rock express. I emailed about it, someone got back to me and she said that I could play as a solo musician. I have an opportunity to meet other aspergers people, and engage with something I really like. I like learning about performing and just today I was thinking about how I have this background in music but I never perform. 


Something as I was writing this blog post hit me. When I called the university last week, I called as a 27 year old adult. I'm like a proper grown up now, although not with a full time job, I am working two part time jobs right now. When I first delat with the university I was still remembering 'A' Levels. I remember growing up I noticed how the doctors and professionals would talk to me differently reflecting that I grew up. So I'm an adult now, but I remember being in various servies all my life growing up. 


To have to revisit somewhere like Stim Rock Express, and being around all those aspergers people, many of them I presume have carers and formalised support groups and professional how I used to have, i feel like I'm revisiting my past selves, my vulnerabilities.



I dunno...maybe I'm just overthinking it right now. Today and this week has been really active, and in some ways, really good. I spent too much money, but besides that I'm quite pleased at the results and outcomes. I really have to just push on and work on with things. I have a lot to do, I've done a lot certainly. Ther'es more to do, and I'll be proud of myself if I can manage the end of this coming week having done lots of job applications and moved forward on other things.


I should go to bed. If i slept at 1am that would be early compared to previous weeks. I'm so glad to have my primary watch back and running again. That watch is an old friend to me. 


There's a big storm coming today. I am thinking (vainly) about what I could wear. Perhaps if I could just sleep that would be an achievement. 


One of the continual life lessons is just: keep moving, and one step at a time (i hate the expression 'baby steps'). If I just need to think about the one or two steps immeiate to me, that would be alrgiht. I might go into bed with no music on, and no radio on, just the company of my own thoughts.


Lately...and I know this is really weird. I have gotten into Premier Christian Radio. ...there's something alluring about Christian radio. I've always found something alluring about evangelical christianity. Perhaps it is how assured in their life and their place in life. I kind of want for that myself. Like Augustine once said...something about God giving restless minds rest. Matthew 11:28 says: come to me those who are weary and work laden, and I can give you rest. 


So I'm doing bible quotes now? Ah fuck it, I listen to black metal, I know what I am.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Diary,



At work at the moment. Doing some GCal planning for the next month (November). It's quite comforting to plan the month ahead. So many things to do. But I feel a little more able to order it all now than I did last night.


Feeling tired, I hope I survive the train home. On the plus side, this is the last sunday I'll work for the time being.

Dear Diary,


I've found there's an equilibrium between: doing what you can, and doing what can be done. 

british summer time ends in 13 minutes

when i was working at sentinel sport at the beginning of september, i remembered how sad it felt to think about the end of summer. it's truly gone and there's even a time change to account for it. 


:( got a fuckton to do.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Things I've done this week that I have no time to talk about yet

  • Kissed a girl in oxford
  • repaired my watch
  • Ordered the repair of my clarinet
  • bought a new jacket
  • bought new jeans
  • bought a great new cord shirt
  • bought underpants from uniqloe
  • saw escape plan with my PhD friend - who now has a phd
  • working two jobs
  • ate a lot of takeout
  • spent too much money

I've been busy as fuck lately. I just got home from the watchmakers with my semi-repaired watch. He said that he'll repair the hands another time for free.

I've got an email from my self a year ago, it says: 



So I'm going off to meet [Adora], with 14 condoms. I'm kind of glad that all those johnnies I bought in 2008-2009 have come to use, especially before their *cough* 2013 sell by date.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

dear diary,


today counts as a 6 item achievement day. That's good right?

dear diary


paid in earlier than expected


that is all.

(quite pleased)

Dear Diary,


Was thinking about going to a couple of BBC radio concerts in a couple of weeks. My motivations are:

  • The intrinsic humanistic value of concert-going
  • Going somewhere new
  • Going somewhere i don't normally go (one venue isn't new to me)
  • Doing something varied
  • Doing something vaguely spiritual (thats how i see music)

Working today. Coping with an incident that caused anxiety. I'm trying to use some CBT techniques to navigate through.


In other news: I've been working friday evening, saturday evening, and today then tomorrow. I also got a document yesterday telling me that my job at the Sentinel is being recognised for tax adjustment - so I won't be so badly taxed - hopefully. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

Dear Diary,


Attempted to get shit done today, but failed. I am catching up on my rest, and eating. I am kinda keen on getting some mcd's before work...fat fuck that I am! I'm kinda feeling numb and hazy right now.


Got to go to work ...or get ready for work now.

In other news...I might have a piece published in the weekend Guardian's family supplement (that's on the saturday issue). So um, yeah...I think that will net me £25. I like moneys, even if its a small amount. Every little helps.

Dear Diary,


Working today. It's going to be a late one.

Trying to catch up on shit today. But it's long. I've got so much to catch up with. Mostly boring essays that I don't want to write. I should enjoy the fact that in terms of work its so busy. It's not going to be like this forever. I have a few days of work and then after that I will be underemployed again. I ened to take aggressive measures to keep that income coming in. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Dear Diary,


It's my off day today. I'm off to CBT in a moment, then I'm possibly doing some gym. 

Things on my mind at the moment:

  • Lots to do this week, but over the past month or so it just feels routine. I think I'm getting into a pattern, although I am currently behind on stuff. 
  • That girl I know from fetlife is really depressed right now - actually another girl from fetlife is depressed, but those are two different situations and two different girls. Its on my mind because I feel worried about them, and I also am reminded of my own growing sense of dread
  • Last night at the gym I did an hour on the treadmill. I put on some depressive black metal and my brain just went into some kind of autopilot. It was therapeutic, although not very calorie hungry to be honest. I'll make up for that otnight
  • I've gotten a word back from my old university, it's possibly good news. I have to move forward in the process of getting my documents
  • I really like working, but I must accept that after november I will be back in the doghouse of underemployment. Part of me is distracted by the prospect of spending all that money. Another part of me is worrying about the future and money related issues. There's a news story about the price rise in gas, there's a teacher's strike today as well. I'm not living in a good world right now. I'm not at my best either. I have to keep pushing and working in an imperfect world

I had more things to say but I've run out of time.


This blog is my constant, but lately I've not had enough attention for it.


gotta go now.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

dear diary,


got a call back from the disability unit at my university. they have my records. Apparently they have a hundred + pages of documents. it's a veritable dossier. Some of it goes back to my childhood. I remember being taken out of school, I remember occupational therapy. I remember being taken to a special needs type school and one guy kept saying 'di matteo' (a popular footballer of the time) repeatedly. 

When I dig into these childhood memories, when even alluding to them, it upsets me. 

It's not who i am not, but it is, it is who I used to be. That defined who I am now.

Monday, October 14, 2013

dear diary,


had a pretty medium level of irritation today. i thought i lost my oyster card so i had to buy a new one. i missed the train and bought a new oyster. later found out that it was under the bed. thanks mum. So now i have a backup oyster? what should I do with that? I'll work something out. It's not too important right now


Because I was stressing out about it I felt like everything else was going wrong. When I got off the tube I went down the wrong end of the platform and then I realised i did the same thing on sunday, and I got lost. I didnt want to get even more late so I turned around and rushed. However I hurried down and my watch scraped against this advert board and then the crown of my watch broke off. I 've got another thing to pay for...I'm pretty pissed at myself but on the other hand I'm just trying to be calm and carrying on with the day.


Except for the day being slightly busy I am managing. Colleagues are being nice and friendly. My day is organised as such (without the emotional and psychological distraction of this morning):


  • work
  • get to the garden meeting and chair it
  • meet guy and have pint with him afterwards
  • maybe read a bit

anxiety is middling today but ...i think I can cope with it. I think. I am so annoyed at having to spend so much money all the time just to make things work. I might get a new atch after this. That watch I have is sentimental. 

dear diary,


I don't have time to summarise my week. I could try to summarise the day:

  • Went to work, sunday rates, oh yeahhh
  • Quiet at work, so I did some desk day tasks - I applied to a job
  • did some job searching
  • Caught up on blogging
  • Caught up on feedly

So that's like 5 things already

I got home, warmed down with some comedy and reading sunday newspapers (Sentinel, naturally). I then relaxed a bit and had two wanks. After midnight I planned a broad reading schedule for the book that I'm going to review. It is an interesting one, kind of related to feminism and LGBT rights. It's got a title that will get some attention if I'm reading it on the tube. I hope nobody thumps me for it. I'm working later this week with a Christian homophobe so maybe not take it for then. 

I had a vodka and orange tonight. I think (falsely) that it will put my mind at ease and it does make my brain operate in a more relaxed way. Tomorrow it's full on again. Work, chairing a committee meeting, and then forced socialisation with an older man - i hope he doesn't rub his penis between my thighs.

In other news - Activist girl has been messaging me a lot. I must admit I have feelings for her. I have also been possibly facebook stalking her for a while...which is bad. Both things which mean I cannot ever have a relationship with her. Not least I'm the wrong gender for her. It is nice to have a friend, an internet friend...I think we have a lot in common. I feel something for her, and she seems to message me a bit. I think I started it. She's doing a masters in activism, and I send her activist-y type journals and articles. 


I do that for friends, send them academic articles that I think they might like. Earlier in the day I sent off articles on mathematical logic. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

dear diary,


my records say this week was when i started working at shambly 3 years ago

Friday, October 11, 2013

Dear diary,

I'm feeling quite worn down now.


I'm wearing my old levis jeans. Why is that important to mention? It isn't really. However I'm running out of 'good' trousers and these are the mainly sturdy clothes that I have left, that aren't like work suit trousers or something.They are trousers from when I was a student. I'm not a student anyore.I've moved on from that time. However there are things happening, and memories that come to me, that will never want me to forget those days...those darker days.


I remember sitting at bristol university's access unit along the corridor. Waiting for someone to talk to me in the assessment room. I remember feeling very sad. I remember the darkness. I am feeling very isolated right now, very alone. I feel frightened. I wish I had someone on my corner right now. I wish I had an entourage like those tennis guys - Djokovic and Murray have an entourage of people who support him and make him feel his best. Wish I had one of those. 


This depressed feeling is making me feel sleepy. I've got to push on. I've got to fight this hard. I've got to stand up, post this blog, go downstairs, go outside, walk to the ATM, check out some cash, then I'll walk to Boots or superdrug and buy some shampoo and condiitoner. maybe I'll have a look inside computer exchange and then I'll walk home. I'll be tempted to buy some snack food but I'll resist, won't I? 


Then I'll get home, eat properly and carry on with my pathetic life. 


Maybe if i'm lucky, I'll do some Gym. That sounds like a jam packed day. I probably don't even have time for it all. So I better fuckingstart now!.



(God I feel miserable0

errand day

Dear Diary,


Just starting to realise how broke I am - I am going to owe my parents money that I'll pay them back after I get paid. I'll have to pay back the money into my savings account, and the overdraft.


Fuck - i'd consider it lucky that I'll have £0 in my account, fuck you negative numbers. 


Anyway I have to make an expense right now that will put me more into debt.


In other news I have gotten a call through to the disability services at my old uni and they said they will look into my records, then email me a copy of everything they have on me. Of course that's what they said last time. Do I have a reason to believe them? Who rucking knows.


Anyway, I move on to the future. However rainy and shit it is. 


Got another errand to do today. I hope I can find time for gym later on. 


'tactical wank' - and other things

Dear Diary,

What can I say really. I've been busy at work today. I've been pissed off about how I haven't been paid today -payroll error. I spent about 9-10 hours at work. It was a long ass conference. As I finished I got lots of junk food and got home. I ate a shitload of bad food today. I did catch up on my blog reading today. 

I've got lots of jobs planned to apply to. There's a list of things I want to apply to. There's always a fuckign list. that's my catchphrase of the month. If I actually talked to anyone. 


I wonder if I lack ambition in my life. I wonder if I lack a vision. I was reading up about stock trading today, as a possible way of earning more money. I want to put my money somewhere that would grow somewhere. I'm thinking about doing some gym in the evening. I need to catch up on emails. 


There's something in my bones, a superstitious part of me, that feels something catastrophic is going to happen. I don't know why.


I've got a fuckton of podcasts to catch up with, and I am just about   stil learning to deal with these new working hours. Even though I'm working part time, I have found it difficult to make some time for my usual schedule. I've been doing things like tactical wanks to just get some relief and getting on with work...I've not had a tactical wank since I was a teenager, since 'A' level days. Those days were the most productive I felt, because I felt the most self-regimented...


I hoep tomorrow goes well. I've got to make the most of my off days. I've had trouble writing this blog post, I have trouble concentrating. I feel bored of my own thoughts right now. 

Maybe best if I just sleep on things

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

there's an idea in my head at the moment. this is an idea that has been on my mind from time to time over the years. despite all the depression and the anxiety and all the suffering, i am interested in who the person is beneath all of those things, i am interested in the person that is deep under that all, the person that is me, the defining me. if there is such a thing. 


There's a song, rider of the last day - which I feel I want to relate to me. Feet in the mud fists to the sky/Draw strength from the lightning splitting my eye - thats' what I want for me.


I'm feeling upset and angry at myself - i missed a deadline for the civil service analytical fast stream - I'M SO FUCKING INCENSED AND I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME


There's no point in smashing anything, I'd have to clean it up. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dear Diary,

It's my day off and I have no time to review my activities. I've got a list of things to get on with. Realistically I won't have time to do them all. 


I'm managing a lack of energy, a lack of time. 

On the plus side I have work. Perhaps that's really the big positive for my life right now. Work will set me free.


In other news I saw a really depressing article on vice magazine, I tweeted it. 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Dear Diary,


I'm running late. I missed the gym today. I felt a bit sad about that, not least because I like being around people socially. I did make alternative use of the time. I practiced some mozart, sight read some beethoven, did some improvisation. I did some garden emailing - that is long overdue, and I am way behind on shit right now. I'll go with my mum to the birthday party. I don't even have time to catch up on the personal hygiene right now...I think I'll have to at least sponge bath my balls and armpits ...keep minimally hygienic. I have to say it's not the first time I've had to be that extreme. 


Anyway I've got a fuckload to do...and I'm working tomorrow


(life is great!)

Dear Diary,


Friday (which just passed) is going to be my last proper day off for a while. I had a fatigue-nap, and i woke up around 11pm. I am still awake. Might sleep soon. I had a lot of energy after my fatigue-nap, so I used it to catch up on stuff. Non priority stuff mind you. 


Things I did on Friday:

  • Bought gift card for My brother's girlfriend 
  • Window Shopping
  • Recieved replacement Oyster Card (shit that felt longer than a day ago)
  • Sent off book review (first thing I did)
  • Received response about a journal I emailed about

Things I did after fatigue-nap

  • Job Searching
  • Archiving and Playlisting - made a new playlist, "2013.11" 


There's more to do. I've got a list. 

So tired, so much to do. I wonder if other people my age have these kinds of problems. I've not had much time for social life because I have so many items on my list. 

I've been reading some articles on the Guardian and stuff about university starting and its triggered ome memories. I work near a university and I saw all these hipster fresher kids...again, more memories. 


For the most part I've been avoiding the memories...for the most part. I've got enough to work on in my life at the moment. I sent an email to myself in the future, in the next 5 years, to capture the zeitgeist of now.


Anyway...onwards I go.Maybe bedwards...I probably should. Starting to feel tired again. I am aiming to go to the gym in5 hours!

Friday, October 4, 2013

I aint got time to grieve.

dear diary,


What did I do today?


got up at 10am, did some downloading and catching up on my playlists. Didn't quite get as far with that as I'd like.


Let's make the list of my achievements:


  • Applied to editorial job at Sentinel
  • Body combat class at gym
  • Body attack class at gym
  • Rescheduling items over the next month - involved cancelling CBT appointment and 3 shifts at work
  • I attempted to make the schedule over the next month to account for my working hours over october. So on reflection I'll have 3-4 days of work over the coming weeks, which is nice. 

I think I would never have been in this situation a few months ago. Part of me is thinking: what will the situation be like in the next few months? 


I experienced fatigue today - perhaps due to everything piling up on me and my body forcing me to stop. I rested while putting some eps of breaking bad on the monitor. I felt guilty, guilty because there's so much I need to advance on at the moment, that I had no energy for. I just have to stop sometimes. I set lots of things for me to do, but I can't do them all. 


I've got more to do over the coming days and weeks.


Got to get on it. 

For now, I sleep. I ain't got time to grieve about past octobers. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Dear Diary,


My off day, my 'desk day'.


I've been playlisting today, trying to catch up on stuff. I think I'm trying to follow too many blogs and people on social media, trying to do too much. I've got to just do what I can.

Got to stick to basics. 


Today I'm cancelling shifts that I can't work at shambly, because I'm working at Sentinel. I've cancelled 3 shifts at shambly. I think that's a good thing, I'm getting more money overall. It does feel weird to say 'I can't work these hours' - my go-getting attitude is that I grab all opportunities, but I've got to be strategic. 


I've got a plan to do some gym classes today, maybe not overkill it. 


I've got a lot of shit to do. I'm sorta glad.

In the words of my piano teacher - stop saying what you are going to do, and do it!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Fuck, its october. In my head i keep typing august. I also have had another problem at work, I am mis-typing the word received.















I better practice that sometime - I need to unlearn that habit. 

dear diary,


having my laptop screen fucked means i can't masturbate in the prone position. This has meant I have to use the 'traditional' method...which I don't like so much. This will have to do until I have a new computer situation.


I like having my lamps because it gives me notifications about when I need to leave the house. I can get fully immersed in my various tasks without having to worry about forgetting anything. 


I can't do too much today as it is a short day, and after badminton I get tired. However I think that I've done a fair amount today. I've called my old uni about the aspergers stuff and I've called to book an appointment with the GP. I've also don a bit of archiving, playlisting and I've done my monthly review of tasks and activities for september. I've got a new function on my computer that puts screenshots immediately into a folder in dropbox, highly useful.



dear diary, 


I am seriously multitasking. 


Perhaps it is the aspergers in me, but I feel like I really want to organise a picture folder and organise a music playlist, these seem more interesting to me than actually listening to the music.

I kind of wish my life were more streamlined.


I'm also hungry right now. Must not forget that I have badminton later...I'll make a note.

dear diary,


usually I would write everything i've done at the end of the day or talk about my process. I've not had that kind of time or energy lately.


Just now i called my old university to see if they have my childhood records - this is crucial to getting an aspergers and autism diagnosis finalised. 


I tried calling my jesuit reply as of yet. Maybe will call on Thursday. Or later today? It is lunchtime after all.


Something that has surprised me as I was giving the call, was that I am thinking about the phone etiquette and my interaction abilities from being on the phone all month in a work situation. I wonder if working at the Sentinel and talking to people I don't know is helping me with interactions. I can start to observer 'upper level' behaviour like humour, 

final monday, penultimate day at sentinel sports

Dear Diary,

So, the situation looks like I might be working more hours this week. I say might. I shouldn't think about it too much. I've had my 'final' monday, and it was busy as fuck. Some shit happened this afternoon that is the stuff of 'the thick of it' tv show. 


After work I went to the gym, did body combat. It felt good. It was really extreme with a new instructor. My heart was racing like I might have a heart attack. 


I had some junk food after gym. Anxiety was high today, but manageable. Perhaps the thoughts of earning money, spending money and buying a new computer eased my mind. 


So, it's october now. October has all the anniversaries that i've talked about in a previous post. I will try to make october about good stuff.


In other news. I've got sooo much to think about and do, that honestly my mind has limited ability to cope with it all. I dont think I ahve the luxury of having a lie in on my day off. I think I've got to treat tomorrow like work.


In other news, I've found two apps really helpful to me, an app called 'whisper' and one called TuneIn Radio