Dear Diary,

10 years ago to the day was what i considered for the longest time my 'greatest victory'. It was my A2 crime and deviance paper and...the paper that I got 100% on. My last 'A' Level and the last day that marked the transition to uni...

Until I started writing this post right now I really haven't given it much thought. I'm thinking about where my next pay check is coming in and I'm thinking about what is next in my life. I had a lot of downers in my life since 2004 but now I'm just wanting to make 2014 and beyond a better life.

Dear Diary,

I've not posted in a few days. I've been ...reluctant to.

I had a one night stand. I don't really want to say more about it.

In other news, I've spent too much money and I am in desperate need for more cash. Fuck, this airsoft thing is taking my resources too much.

Today I am currently doing the job search. No leads yet. I am working at the sunday sentinel this friday and saturday, for the next few fridays and saturdays this month.

dear diary,

the pot noodle that I'm eating right now feels like a hug in a mug.

I have received my july events shifts and entering them in. I am also doing the matrix for how much I'll get for it. which is paid in August, which in turn will last me for september, which in turn is the start of 'busy season' for events.

Were it not for my work at the sentinel lately, I'd be bricking it about this amount of money as it's very little. I will make almost the same amount next month's events work that I will make for a day that I'll work at sentinel next week. I guess that's just the reality of things.

step up

Dear Diary,

So my friend who is getting married later this year finally got his best man to sort out the stag do. unfortunately it doesnt give me proper time to apply.

anyway. On with the issue at hand. so this weekend Idid some stuff. I went out to see my friend, we saw a film, ate at a restaurant, saw another film. sunday I did some gardening, what else did I do?

I felt hella tired is fair to say. I have been feeling a bit worn down lately. I need to rest myself a bit more. I did a bit of gym this weekend but not much. I did some walking and gardening too. I also ate a fuckton too. I need to think about changing my eating habits some more.

Tomorrow I'm off to work. Then on tuesday I'm also at work. Wednesday and thursday I'm working 2 days at a brand new department. I was given an instruction guide on what to do at the department. I will be using a bespoke payment package to pay comissions and stuff. I asked the payroll software admin fellow to let me in and he did.

Perhaps something a bit weird. Every sunday when I'm walking home from the garden, I see a guy that I used to go to school with. I've mentioned him before on the blog, he was like my best friend at primary school and he's a metalhead and wears band t shirts and has hair a lot like mine. It's chilling how similar we are. However I think its fair to say he's a lot more into the metal than I am. I like to consider myself culturally broad. I say that as I listen to John Coltrane right now.

I kind of want to blog more lately, but as I've said before for the past couple months, life has gone up a gear and I am stepping up. Step-up, that's a nice expression. I'm looking for new clarinets and the class of instrument I'm looking for is called a 'step-up'. As such, I think it's an apt expression, an accurate expression. I'm stepping lots of things up in my life. Also thinking about life through money is interesting. It's nice to actually have money and not go around the street hoping nobody recognises me, instead just feeling more free, or rather, less restrained.

I had some bad dreams last night. I can't remember what they were. What I do remember is that I cannot forget the ugly side of my soul.

So I better get on with shit.

Talk soon

66 coffee stirrers in the past 2 weeks ...wow!

controlaltdelete

Dear Diary,

Tuesday was another one of those game-changing days. A lot happened. So much in fact that I got a bit overwhelmed and had the intellectual equivalent of a premature orgasm, or CTRL-ALT-DEL.

So here's what I did today in a list:

• Working at Multimedia department (again) for a 2 day cover - kinda anxiety filled but manageable, and resolvable. Not so bad i need to count it in my calendar
• Assignment at the sunday sentinel rescheduling - Jess, who I cover at the sunday sentinel, is asking me to do a few different days. The consequence of this is, I don't do 2 days next week, but I do do 2 other days in July, and another day. So I lose 2 days, gain 3. Overall gain an extra day. An extra £67
• Received (yet another) 2 day assignment. As well as this I am asked to have a conversation about what will happen over these 2 days. These 2 days are next week, so that's an extra £120 or so. 
• Badminton
• Post-badminton
• Talked to former colleague in the corridor, he's a nice guy, I had a borderline awkward moment when he reached to shake my hand and...I got the wrong hand out. Basically this guy effectively has one hand (contrasting to the two) and I kinda made a thing out of that fact by juggling all my papers to shake his hand. In my defence. I was in a rush and I was carrying a lot of shit
• Newspaper catchup - the great thing about working in newspapers is...free newspapers.

So today is a 7-day activity.

Not bad. It was emotionally challenging, but I almost feel like my life might be getting better from this job. In a sense thats what I really want out of a job...betterment.

I better go to bed now.

so this thursday: things I did:

• Fatigue
• feeling low
• stupour
• Paid in for shambly work last month (not very much)
• Sent job application at the sentinel for a vacancy I saw just on the sly on wednesday
• Set up GCal diary for my working hours over June-July at the sentinel
• Body Attack
• Body Combat

...and that's about it really.

The past couple of days have really gotten bloody hot. It's affecting me possibly. Lately I've felt in a very intensive stupour and I do not like it. I'm wearing shorts inside the house and that's sort of a rule I thought I'd never break. At least I made a positive from doing 2 gym classes even though I wasn't feeling it at all, plus I sent off that job application which was a real egg swallower.

I am finding the transitions that come with the recent few weeks a bit disconcerting. It's the summer time. Summer is generally the 'happy time' and autumn is generally the 'sad' time.  Btu the thing was that this last year wasn't so much like that, and maybe that cycle of emotional patterns can be broken. Perhaps with a bit more money I can start enjoying life and start to build a life for myself. I got a letter today from work saying they were going to enter me into a pension scheme and it was an automatic opt-in thing. Which is great as I am a casual worker. I am also really glad that I got emails in the past week and beyond regarding cover bookings for work at the sentinel, when I was under the impression that I didn't work there after the 10 month period. I'm really confused. 

I think the thing is that they need me and I am a yes man when it comes to bookings. So it's gotten to 3am right now and I am a little bit worryingly aware that I have been sleeping late lately. Perhapst hat's because of the heat or perhaps its because of my strange enery levels, which I think begets itself if i keep sleeping late. I can't do this when I am working at the Sentinel. I am also cautious of the impact that working at the sentinel has on my anxiety levels. 

Anyway I should go to bed now. Might put that milton friedman audiobook on.

Hello diary,

so today I got approached to do 2 days at the sunday sentinel, which means I'm doing six days at the sunday sentinel! That plus yesterday I was asked to do 2 days at their multimedia department (where I have worked before). So that means 8 days. Hurray!

I am just making the matrix of what I will expect to be paid.

I think, I just about think that summer might not be as bad as I thought. I do need to rein in on my spending but I think its okay. I have to suffer a dark period of low money for a few weeks until I get paid tomorrow and later at the end of the month.

So...working at the sentinel seems like fun.

I think that historically I'm worried that because july/august is low in terms of event bookings I hardly get to work then. But with the pay that I got from working 2 months ago, and the pay I will get from working next month, that will sort me out for being relatively alright for July. However it does mean that I may not get much events work in july and august, but I will ahve a little bit of money to survive.

I'm still worried about money. I saw a fosters can in my room just now and I almost got tempted to drink in the day. I should probably avoid alcohol for a while because I thought that. So...thinking...

June: worried about money, stay conservative until I get paid
July (birthday month): save up and maybe make a few nice purchases
August: will be paid with things from the work in late june/july. Remember not to overspend as the intention is that this needs to last for 2 months. I need make this extra £500 last until october.

It's weird thinking about this and also oddly depressing. Why depressing? Because I*'m thinking about staying fiscally sensible and in this timeline summer is already over. However in the rpesent, summer is just beginning and I shoudl live it up!

In other news...I kinda got on really well with a girl on okcupid...really well. Almost to the extnet that I don't believe it's possible for a guy like me to get so lucky. I'm getting a bit of female attention and attention from a gender-neutral born as female person lately. I've not talked much about activist girl (as I call her, but should change her name for this blog), but we've been chatting a lot and I feel almost close to her.

Anyway...

ONWARDS
I have shit to do today.

Things I did on tuesday:

• Re-bought mp3 player (but failed due to bank)
• Went to garden (walking in the heat counts as workout)
• Mowing grass
• Cutting with scythe (all garden stuff lasted 4 hours )
• Post-badminton dinner
• badminton
• Confirmed assignment at sentinel
• received 2nd additional assignment at sentinel
• (Anger issues)

Dear diary

At the moment i'm laying in bed. I'm on my tablet using voice recognition.
You like undo delete delete delete

I'm not quite used to using this new voice recognition technology
New line

Today i did quite a bit i'm feeling quite tired as a result

At the moment i'm laying in the dark room considering whether to go to bed. I'm also wondering if perhaps the things i said for myself right now i can do tomorrow

I'm feeling a little bit worn down emotionally and physically as a result of all the activity today haven't even made a log of all the activities in fitocracy and in my fitness pal

I wonder to myself if i done a lot today i also wonder if i haven't done enough. I would want to better my life and i always want to challenge myself. I wonder if i'm living up to this. You're so many things that i would have liked to have done if i had more energy . This voice recognition technology is not the best and most of the words are inaccurate, if it is a dancer site better than the old dragon technology are used in 2007

I wonder how much i can do, i wonder if i can never be the best person i meant to be, i want to be more i want to have more i want to look in a mirror and the proud of what i see before me. Hl images of my day i wonder if they're real challenges or if i need to swallow  more eggs.

House for most of the day i fell walking walk in the sun. I've been working a lot about money lately. Even though today i received 6 extra days off work over the next 6 weeks, i am still worried about the money situation. I think however that one of the positives of the recent few days i'm going to get paid in the end of august which will pay for me during the duration of september. September and august are usually difficult months in terms of money. I hate the fact that i have constantly worrying about money and not making enough money xxx. I would love to be out of this situation and middle better 1. That is why i need to continue my job search and push myself.

dear diary,

Today was a desk day, or what I now call 'office hours' day. Here's a list of what I did on monday (remember when I did lists?)

I thinkthat the coming few posts in the future will reflect that my life has changed a bit lately. Work does that to you. Despite what I said, I am going to be off work this week.

Here's what I did today:

• Archiving
• Clarinet practice
• Feedly: downloading podcasts
• Garden stuff
• Placement this week is cancelled
• Offered another placement later this month (4 days)
• Job searching
• payment to 2nd bank account
• Piano
• rest day
• wrote book review
• submitted book review
• checked bank balance (and how fucked up it is)

so that's it. A 13 activity day. Is that good? 

Dear Diary,

I am apparently spending too much money too quickly.

Need to rein it in. Fuck.

In other news...I'm trying to get stuff done during my office hours. I'm not doing so well at that. I mean, yes I'm getting stuff done. But not all of it.

Working out new productivity patterns is an ongoing struggle.

Also right now I'm hungry.

In other other news. My assignement this week was cancelled at the sentinel. But I got an email from the recruitment consultant woman saying something like: we need you for 2 days in june and 2 in july. I said yes. I haven't heard back yet.

Dear Diary,

I think I am coming to a realisation that even though I'm not working full time (I'm working two zero hour contract jobs in events and media), my life has gone up a gear and this is a good thing.

The thing about upgrading my life is that I want to upgrade my life a bit more still. But I'm happy with how upgrading has gone so far. I say happy but what I really mean is I am satisfied that I'm getting some acknowledgement that I do a good job.

So I was contacted twice today from the Sentinel. One from someone at HR, and someone else who wanted me to cover for her next week. This person (also at HR but doesn't do HR stuff) wants me to do her job for 3 days. I've done a similar job in the very recent past, and in fact I actually sat like 4 desks in front of her!

So what does this mean about the whole contract thing? I really don't know. Every assignment I get there I see as a bonus since the one ended a week or two ago. That's how I choose to see it.

Today I did some job searching and I tried to catch up on a few tasks. I then ended up getting really tired around 3pm and I crashed to bed for a bit. I then woke up at 5 and got ready for the gym. I don't feel that I did enough this thursday. I did 2 hours at the gym and on the way home I ate to replenish myself.

This friday I am going to work at an event in the evening. I'm going to make the most of my 'office hours' between 9-5 on this day. Although I realistically realise that I have a lot to do in terms of applications and other tidying up things.

I have a lot to do and a lot to do to keep on top of everything. This is a good situation to be in. My social life has levelled up and I have been seeing a girl lately. Hannah asked me today if one day she can meet my mum...fuck...that conversation? She's not even a girlfriend...or is she??? Do non monogamous women have boyfriends and does that make me a bf?

The events of today haven't really sunken in. Partly because I didn't do much and secondly because I have felt really drowsy today. I hate being tired all the time, but that's the result of pushing my body and mind all the time.

Even on my rest day I've got audiobooks blaring on all day. I am almost about to finish Paradise Lost.

dear diary,

I've set 'office hours' lately. As a way of trying to keep busy.

I originally had a plan to go out this evening to meet a woman that I met onlien and met once before. She's cancelled on me. We were planning to eat out and see a gig. I cancelled on another prior engagement that evening, a discussion group on telepathy. I kind of want to go, just for the social contact. But I am not interested in the question.

I might not go. I might have a (gasp) night in! I have been going out so much lately I almost feel like I have a full life.

Alas. I think I should be deliberate about staying in today.

Dear Diary,

I'm getting ready for work. I got up about 6am. I realise that today is going to be a full on day. I have two shifts today at shambly. I am doing one after the other. I'm currently listening to KT Tunstall on spotify as I am getting ready and...it's transporting me back to 2006. It ...upsets me ...in a healing way? I don't know.

I realised i only type on here for the dark stuff but that's certainly not my reality all the time. I had a great weekend. I went for a run on sunday, I had a philosophical discussion in the afternoon and on saturday I went to oxford and had a beautiful day