Monday, January 22, 2018

I try not to wear branded clothes. I do not like advertising things unless I believe in what the words say on my top or trousers or jackets.

I like branded things when they relate to identities. I have some university alumni tat hanging around, some old shoe bags, bookmarks, and if I can really look deep enough, other things. I have a Bristol Blue glass tumbler. I now have work tote bags. I can really identify myself with a work branded tote bag. My boss has an anorak with the work logo on it. I'm secretly jealous.

I'm set to give a talk at my old university in March. Believe it or not, I've been asked to talk about my work in the 'media industry'.

Believe it or not, I've become a subtle influencer for a very specific kind of artist/commission. I pride myself on it.
For the past couple of weeks, well, I think since Christmas/New Years, actually, I've started playing computer games again.

A friend of mine, a banker, told me once how he spends a lot of his downtime playing his playstation games. My mate works unreal hours (50+ a week, 6 days a week sometimes) and not long ago suffered a parental bereavement.

One of the ways he deals with his situation is to not think about the real world and play his games to just let off some steam.  I am beginning to appreciate his view on the world. I've been playing a game where I control a paramilitary organisation fighting an alien invasion. It's awesome.

Time is short, I realise that more and more when I see my sister's family and my parents go older. I hear about my colleagues who have older parents and many of my colleagues of a certain age can relate to each other when it comes to elderly parents.

This week just ending, I received some messages from a former work colleague. Kim was a nice girl I used to work with and she has told me that she has been ill for a while. I heard from the grapevine that her father and grandparents died within short proximity. I keep a professional and personal distance. I don't know her as well and it's not my place to be comforting.

Last week, my bosses had a career defining moment. The re-launch of the Sentinel. I'm so proud to work there. I've been dealing with a lot lately. My therapist says that the amount of things I've dealt with have given me a sense of resilience. While I do think that is true, I do not particularly feel like taking on too much more right now.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I was practicing czerny's exercises.

One of the exercises involved independent action of hands full stop the left hand needed to play legato and the right-hand needed to play staccato full stop the challenge was for the mind full stop the mind playing two different sentiments, two different ways at the same time.

If I practiced I felt there was a challenge, the challenge of working with a broken piano and the challenge of working within my mind.

Working with a broken piano had its challenges, the feedback of my fingers did not respond adequately. I was then thinking a bit deeper, if the piano worked problem would be in my mind. Of my mind executing the right moves and right sensitivities.

I was reminded of the Cartesian distinction between Res cogitans and Res Extensa. I feel like the broken piano. Broken piano does not function because the mechanism is broken. In life my social functionality is not as it was. I cannot do the things I used to do because my mind is broken.

My mind is broken in ways I do not understand. I want to avoid people and social situations. There are only a limited number of social situations that I am capable of dealing with. Many unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation put stress up on me. Distress manifests as a variety of different emotions. Being in challenging situations tests me. Sometimes I'm irritated, angry or upset.

Broken piano can be replaced or repaired. It costs money to do those things. A broken mind requires work to change the connections between anger and situations.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

dear diary.

I think that my resilience has improved over many of the things I have been through.

I have been very busy at work, so much so that I feel a strain on my life with the overwork.

The Sentinel is having a big product launch on monday, and it's a big momentous event.
I sincerely hope it goes well. I have felt this odd sense of team among the people I work with. It's a beautiful thing.

In addition: other things in my life right now:

  1. Union dispute at work
  2. My eyes and health are on a bit of a decline
  3. My chest is hurting
  4. I do have PTSD now
  5. I feel weird about possibly seeing a girl who is married to an older man
  6. I've been invited to give a talk at my old university
  7. I've 'made it' in a little way.