Sunday, January 30, 2011

The day today (Lygeti in the early evening)

Good umm, evening?

Today I woke up late, this seems to be so routine I dont bother excusing myself for it anymore. I have been recovering since friday (more recovery on friday and saturday than today) from the gym. My shoulder is giving me a bit of trouble and i feel a bit of soreness from all the muscle fibers I fucked up over the past workout. It's all good though. You break eggs to make a sexy omelette, or something like that. Today and yesterday I discovered this website that 'pays' you to review music. Well at the moment I've earned $1.30, which is shit. I earn more taking a shit at work, and I'm paid barely at work. Anyway, if you improve your rating you do better and earn more. Its fun all the same and a neat way to practice my music criticism.

I would have said this weekend that I've had trouble keeping up with my schedule, because I fell asleep all of friday after gym, and fucked up saturday a little as a result. As it happens, I caught up with a whole backlog of tasks and sent off 4 applications this weekend. I'm quite proud of that. I've also performed a few other weekend tasks, such as tidying my room and vacuuming. I feel like going for a meal right now, I want to go for some fish and chips. I really love those local chip guys, they make fun conversation for a guy who feels anxious around them and its nice to have personable people working at a fast food restaurant. Also, the local McDonalds looks full of people my age who look threatening and probably have kids.

Tomorrow I've got a personal trainer session. I suppose if I were a smart person I would catch up on tasks to clear up a potential backlog. I decided not to go to the gym this week because my body is still aching a bit and I dont want to injure myself. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll feel better and I'll be in a better position to work out. I'm not looking at my weight so much lately, although I am somewhat conscious of what I'm eating. I'm always conscious of what I'm eating although now I seem to justify heavy foods to build myself up and heal all those broken muscle fibers. Right now I'm deliberating upon whether I should go for some fish and chips. I've looked at my bank balance and I've raped it. I'm pretty much screwed in terms of money, I guess that's why I'm applying for bloody jobs. I just hope I get a break. For some reason I feel in my mind that the ost I'll get as a job oppurtunity is data entry at a thinktank position I applied to. I wouldn't mind that, it's £8 an hour and for a few months. Is my life so dreadful that a data entry job is the most I can hope for?

It seems, that it is.

All the same, I've kept fairly positive these past few days, and I think that having the wind taken from my sails by the rowing machine has something to do with it. I suppose a good boy like me should get the bag for gym ready for the morning. I've had a shower today and that involved using the scalp medicine/shampoo. Unfortunately, and unglamorously, my scalp is flaring up again. Lately, i've had dreams. I cant remember them as well, but I can recall that they are really vivid.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is Egypt. Thinking about how a country is revolting against its leader makes me feel like the end of the world is coming. They say a revolution comes after you miss 9 or so meals. I wonder if the food situation got so bad in the UK that chaos would happen. The thought of chaos is scary if I'm honest. I worry for gender based violence and I worry for children. Order protects everyone, including anxiety ridden mentalloids like myself.

Maybe I will go for some chips tonight.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Felt the burn, now want ZZZs

Good afternoon.

I spent the morning getting up at 8am lazily, I was awake from 11am to nearly 6am. I want to say it was 'last night' but it wasn't last night really. Within a 12 hour period I feel like I've lived two days of half measures. I spent most of last night trying to sleep, masturbating a bit and listening to an audiobook. I also watched an episode of Skins, that is to say, the new series. It's brilliant, it's so wonderful how they captured Franky's social awkwardness and her introspective yet lonely disposition. I loved how it was a feel good story, and how she had amazing dads (as in gay dads).

I made an impulse buy this week. I bought headphones that costed £70-80 retail but costed less than £10 on amazon, the P&P was about £4.50 and most of the cost was covered by that voucher I obtained last month. Last night I was reliving a lot of memories. Watching Skins reminds me of the past, it's funny because while I was living in Bristol during 'Season 1-3' I never really followed the series. I always felt too 'anxious' to take on new commitments, and watching a tv series seemed like taking on an emotional commitment. I never learned to settle down so I felt uncomfortable. I've leanred a lot since then.

I've been thinking more about writing a story. Not exactly my story. I've lately imagined a new world that I can travel to in my imagination. It's a scary world and most of it reminds me of the past, even though its not my past or my present in this world. There is a 'me' there, but its not the 'me' that I know of. It's an alternate universe me I suppose you could say, and I'm not necessarily sure I like him. I've found this mental world however interesting to live in. I think being reminded of Bristol and lonliness in the past Skins episode brought a lot of feelings back, there's also this sweet metalhead character and he looks funny and (embarrassingly) I see a bit of me in that.

Let's talk about this morning from when I woke up the second time. I went to the gym, I did an induction. It was quite hard, I pushed myself quite hard today and even though I took it easy (I used the wussy weight settings most of the time), I did feel and do feel that I comfortably pushed myself hard. Perhaps today is the start of a beautiful new relationship with fitness. There were quite a few sexy women there, a few MILFs and a few GILFS (That's totally fucked up, I know), I wish I had a photographic memory so I could wank myself off. In the past 16 hours I think I orgasmed 3 times, I am also quite keen on doing a number 4 as well. My bowels are acting up a bit, but that's to be expected considering that I've not had a proper shit since wednesday.

Working out at the gym was refreshing, energising, it was positive. I also feel really drained but like the saying goes: no pain, no gain. I am in for a world of pain before I start getting fit! I hope I can make a positive change. With everything I do in my life there seems to be no results immediately, I've grown used to that and many people find this eccentric and odd. Sometimes I feel there is no hope at all. Perhap this new excercise (excuse the pun) of will shall prove me wrong. I want to go tomorrow, if my body will let me. I've got my second PT session on monday morning. Oh yeahhh.

Also, I've got my febuary shifts in. Not many hours this month. Hopefully this may change.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bold decision?

I just came back. I don't know whether it was a hard sell or whether I just can never say no. I've joined a gym.

Subscription fee is about £45 a month. Somehow I blagged that because I work for a local council (which, technically, I do), I get some corporate discount. I feel like I'm an executive somehow now. Well, I'm being charged an executive rate. The gym pass includes access to a swimming pool plus sauna and steam room. In addition I have access to numerous fitness classes. The costs to me:

Today: £35.11 (first payment plus admin fee)
Direct Debit payments from March 1st (£43.50)

For someone who is barely making ends meet to pay for counsellin,g I am not certain if this is the best financial decision i've made of late. I will meet more people when I got to the gym, so I suppose that's positive, and I have been thinking about doing this for a while. Perhaps this is the start to a new me, or, as my more sceptical self is thinking right now: a bad decision for even worse finances.

A part of me is also thinking: you need to be bold to be brave. This is a bold decision.

I feel quite excited about this, I also need to fit fitness into my schedule. I think evenings will be the best time. Looking through the brochure, I feel a little more assured. I just hope I can afford it. It beats a crack addiction I suppose, and it beats bulimia.

Gyme, what's a Gyme?

Good Afternoon.

Another late morning today, but I did make up for it by getting some tasks done last night. I read a few articles and did a job search. I am slightly tempted to go out for an hour or so. I want to go for a walk, but more so I want to get some cosmetics. I want to get some shaving oil (dad's shaving cream is too blunt and inaccurate to shave with) and maybe some shampoo/conditioner. I might even walk over to the gym and ask about joining. It would be a good thing if I go to the gym. Some evenings I think to myself: I'm bored and I dont want to resort to wanking or eating or lazing about all the time as a means to get out of boredom. If I get a gym pass I can work more on my muscles without worrying about it being cold outside.

I've done minor tasks today, I checked this one job board which often has a lot of vacancies which has filled up my week. They tend to be good vacancies too. Okay, so I'm off to go for a walk, go shopping, and maybe check out the gym.

Note to self: make note of walking in mapmyrun.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

(Listening to halo audiobook in the afternoon)

Good afternoon (I thought it was morning for a split second).

I woke up late again today, 11am, but that's not as bad as yesterday so I suppose that's a plus. I've not lost any weight today, but on the other hand I have not had a poop today (that's where most of it comes out). I've managed to look at some of my tasks and checking my phone I see that counselling has been cancelled today.

The less said about my mood in the morning the better, I am having a bit of a hard time with motivation. Although about a couple of days ago it was fair to say that the coming days were fairly low intensity tasks, I'd say that the 'busy' scheduling plans of earlier this month have almost passed and most of the tasks are low-priority or of less task dense days. Despite this, I still need to keep soldiering on, and once I get my shifts later this week I'll probably get busy again as I'll have to reschedule everything again.

Lets talk about some things that I may not have mentioned:

  1. I've been commissioned with a new book review this week, it's due in may
  2. I've recieved a lot of rejections over the past two days, I guess that's good. one of the applications was for an academic position, a research assistant. The hiring manager was kind enough to inform me that my record was good, but there were people even more qualified than her applying for a position subordinate to hers. That's competition which is intense: when the applicants are better than the interviewers. I had no chance, but she was nice to say kind things of my application, I'd like to think they were true.
  3. I've made a lot of application plans which I didn't bother applying to. I'm being a lot more picky with what I want to apply to, I try to justify it by saying things like 'I dont want to work in fundraising' or 'I don't believe in the cause of pro-life'.
Anyhoo. I'm getting on, talk soon.

"Because if we were good at life, we wouldn't need more school"

A "Real" Grad School Ad

Sunday, January 23, 2011

This feels early (Cocteau Twins in the Morning - again)

Good morning,

I got up at around 7:30am. That meant that I only slept about 5 or so hours. I'm not complaining, its great. I faced a decision: either get out of bed or lay in bed. The only thing that motivated me to get out of bed was to play Halo: Reach on the xbox while no one was downstairs. As it happens, I did and I played until I got bored and I thought: since I'm up, I'm going to shave. It's not the best way to get up and be 100% productive, but its a mindhack to get me up.

I wish I could say I didn't overeat last night, if I'm honest, I don't recall if I did or did not. I know that supper was a lot, and I cooked more than I could eat (no meat though). The rest of the day of saturday did not consist of much food. I had a huge shit last night, really long.

I had this weird dream on friday night/saturday morning: it was about my brother. The dream was that my brother was missing, in a sense it is not far from the truth. My brother refuses to visit us and I probably won't see him for a while, he's got his problems, and I need to work on mine. Today I will resolve to improve myself by applying to jobs.

I know that I've not been terribly eloquent in past days, I don't know how to reply to that, honestly. I feel this sense of emptiness and hopelessness in life, social mobility has ended and I can't get a break. I'vebeen sending off applications fairly consistently this past week and no reply. I'm going to be motivated today and I shall get lots done. I shall lose weight and get the body I want. I will feel positive and get my confidence back. I will be beautiful again.

I'm also trying to react to what happened while I was 'mia'. I'm not really sure how to conceptualise it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

As days go on I have less to say. Less to talk about, less to express. I feel like my life is slowly reaching some kind of twilight, or that as I go on in the days, there seems to be less hope. Its a fight and some days I fight, others I simply endure. Time passes with not much life being lived. I haven't checked my balance in a while, there's nothing to say really of it.

At the moment I'm having these intense chest pains. I think it's my heart. I'm also feeling these strange pains around where my tooth was removed. It feels on both counts, uncomfortable. The pain is strong enouhg for me not to be able to carry on with my present day. Perhaps I'll allow myself this break for now. I've been catching up mainly today.

I had a small thought, but only a small one: I hope it kills me.

Two years of mia are affecting me in ways I didn't expect. I was thinkking aout that psychological changes last night. I'm in too much pain to talk about it now. Now i feel the tooth pain again.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Good evening.

I feel like I need to post less and less on this blog, most of what I say these days seems to be an emphasis on how routine and achievement-based my day has been. I see that as a good thing. It means by a contrast to a previous self, that I have less eloquent emotional and introspective. It's almost as if I'vel ost my soul.

Anyway, it doesn't matter so much. I sent off an application, and I did quite a lot of data entry for my boss at the intern place. I guess that's all I can do for today. I have more tasks for tomorrow. With the lack of interviews or response from any of my applications for the past month, I do feel like there isn't much return in the way of getting any interview, or response, or even a rejection.

Anyway, tonight it doesn't matter. I've got a film on, I've just finished takeaway and I'll wank myself until the morrow.

On the plus side, I've sent off my shifts for next month. I hope maybe I'll get more places. I hope.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Back to the bases

From Today's 'Dilbert' Comic strip.

Good Afternoon.

Today is a sunny day, almost like a summer morning. The weather is darned cold however. I feel a bit weird after having counselling today. I need to stop talking about my anger during session. It's making the counsellor uncomfortable (but I enjoy that a little), its also not helping me. It's not helping me to pay someone £25 a week which I can barely afford to get angry at someone, I can do that for free with internet trolling. It's also not helping my mood. As I got home last night I didn't get anything done, in addition I binged a bit and gained weight.

I need to think about my schedule. I need to think about why I set the tasks that I do. The point is that I need to get a job, a decent job that pays well and fits my graduate profile. A job that I can use to emancipate myself from my parents' place and somehow work through to improve my life. Although I'm an xbox stronger, I am only a few strayed threads away from broken trousers and one computer flaw away from complete meltdown with my laptop. I need money and I need it fast. I need to improve my life soon or else I'm damned forever.

Face it, I'm 24 years old and I've very ilttle to show for my life since I was 21. I can't keep reliving the past, a new decade is upon us (it was for about a year now) and I need to embrace it with open arms and opportunity.

I've sent off one application today sofar, I've done a bit of job searching. I've had breakfast/lunch, and I've got much more to do. I need to focus on the bases today and get enough done. Priority target is to apply to jobs and fill out all the tasks that I hate doing.

PhD applications come tertiary to that. Writing my paper comes secondary.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"Here we are, born to be kings, we're the princes of the u-ni-verse..."

Good Afternoon.

Today the sun is out and bright, like a summer or spring morning. It's beautiful and it brings a certain sense of warmth and quiet joy to me. The weather of summer is one thing to look forward to. It's still technically winter andthere is very likely still quite a lot more cold before the warm months come. Still, this is the warmest its been in months: the current temperature is just under 9 degrees.

I have other associations with the sumer, many are not so plesant. Flip flops and dirty teenaged feet, when I started university and I felt sweaty and isolated. I was a social outcast because I wasn't good at making friends, it's also true to say that there weren't many people who were good at befriending me as well. People at uni were distinctly selfish, I guess that's why I invested so much into my friends from sixth form. I hated the juxtaposition of having very few friends at uni and having relatively many at school when I went back home.

In the summer of 2004, not much happened. I didn't go out like crazy and have sex or lose my virginity or have the summer of my life. That was largely due to my own inaction. The days and weeks passed, I just waited to be asked out by friends. I always waited for things to happen and nothing ever happens that way. I had a soundtrack for the late summer which I kept listening to all through late August and early September: Queen's 'Princes of the Universe' and the MacGyver theme. I watched a lot of TV and I thought MacGyver was fairly amusing and random, I listened to music largely on the basis of novelty. I watched films a lot on the basis of novelty. I was trying to be the funny one so much that I didn't have much of a personality. I guess that's why no one wanted to be my friend.

"Nothing like a little melancholy to make a boy attractive", a girl once said to me last year. Funny enough she's right, at least in my case. I was more interesting because of what i suffered. I liked the 'Princes of the Universe' song because it was the intro to the TV Highlander series with sexy British heartthrob Adrian Paul. I really liked his good looks and his slim body and his ponytail. I think subconsciously he's one of the people who influenced my own little ponytail. I used to watch Highlander in the 90s and back in the early 2000s I didn't have much to identify with, I didn't have many friends so I used to cling on to things like anime and sci fi and nostalgia, like 80s movies. I happened to meet with a group of friends who had similar and overlapping interests in said nostalgia. Nostalgia had a negative meaning for me because it was a sign of my social inadequacy. Eventually the 'Princes of the Universe' song seemed to represent my hopsefor what University would be for me, and then it became a torturous embarrassment of what I missed out on in my first year. Now, I just like it because I liked the Highlander tv series.

I was watching Highlander last night and the night previous. Listening to that Queen song reminded me of all the feelings and experiences of taht summer in 2004. I've never really talked about what happened when I started to get depressed properly. For some reason, the undergrad memories are quite fresh for me.

Note to self: try not to live in the past too much.

I need to think about my schedule, completing all the tasks, all the applications, and then I'll do more applications. I've got counselling today and I'll probably leave in about 30 mins. Maybe I should talk about something positive. I have been tempted to purge lately. I'm going to put my clothes on. I think I'm going to wear less than usual. It's getting a bit more warm lately and I think I'm able to go back to 'autumn' gear.

Let me talk about two other positives briefly:

  1. Yesterday I tried on a new contact lense. It was nice to be able to see with two eyes again. It's hard to describe the difference. My world changed in perception.
  2. I'm not 'gaining' any weight, which is a damn good positive. I also feel a bit sickened by eating too much meat and crisps. I might snack on a salad instead. I do have quite a hankering for penne and salad these days...
I am hoping for a new body, a sexy body. That and a job, that would be tickedy boo.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Triple A

Today I've cleared up a good amount of my schedule's overflow. Most of the tasks are small, but I suppose a lot of small tasks accumulate and cause anxiety. I've almost managed to surmount them. I've eaten into the research days that I've planned so I suppose it wasn't without cost.

I've got an optical appointment tomorrow with the eye hospital. As I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts, I have an ongoing and semi-serious eye condition but it doesn't impeded *most* of my daily life. It's based in Old Street. Since moving back to London, I've happened to explore all sorts of areas I've never been before and I've gotten to appreciate how diverse areas of London are. Where I live it is suffocating and nothing ever happens, the only thing it reminds me of is my own inadequacy and the laziness of my dad which infects me, but in other parts of the city there is freshness, there is cultural diversity and passion. I've been to Old Street for quite a few things in past months; an interview, I almost went to a concert there and we had a work thing there so I have nice associations with it.

I've been to hospitals perhaps more than most people do in their lives, they are always for 'head' problems: there's the obvious mental ward I spent a week in; then I had my tooth surgically removed last year and now I have eye problems. I really should arrange a dental appointment, but money is tight. I do kind of dread the thought of a contact lens, they are trying to put this 'new' bigger lens into my eye that is soft on the outside but rigid in the centre. It has to be a rigid lens you see.

When I lived in Bristol, I had anxiety about going outside, I had a fear of getting lost in public, I also had this comparison to london constantly; which had a tube and a universalised transport system. I think the fear of the unfamiliar also scared me. It's something I've had to work on. I think in that respect I've changed a lot, back in the undergrad days I dreaded going out of the house partly because of the uncertainty of walking between two places that took longer than say, 10 minutes and the feeling of unfamiliarity. It also led to me using a lot of money on hiring cabs.

Eventually, however, I started to learn and love Bristol. For a place that caused me so much anxiety and pain, I do feel nostalgic about it. I feel like I've wasted so much of my youth. When I was 18 I didn't feel like I was 18 or some kind of youth enjoying life, I felt like something was missing and I was constantly frightened or anxious and uncertain about the future. I was not happy. I'd do it differently if I could do it again. I'd do it with what I know now. I'm getting noticable anger triggers lately.

Last week in counselling the counsellor said she felt she learned a lot about me in terms of anger and anxiety. It's nice to use alliteration especially when the words begin with A, because A is the first letter of the alphabet, and normally in encyclopaedias is the first few pages; its like an introduction. Are those the two things that define me? Maybe I'd add Angst as well.

Change (Cocteau Twins in the afternoon)

Good afternoon.

Yes I got up late. I finished late last night, I was off my computer tasks by about midnight and I got lost in terms of time because I got occupied by a few minor tasks. Today I'm back to normal. My fatigue has passed me and now I'm back to sedentary wanking and searching for jobs. Somehow that kind of normality doesn't seem as appealing.

Anyway, I'm slowly completing a whole lot of tasks that I'd consider as overflow from next week. I'm completing next week's smaller tasks to free up space, and with luck, I might be able to do some jobs today. I'm listening to Cocteau Twins at the moment. Antonia used to really like them and she told me about how during the 90s when her life was uncertain and unstable, her musical interests reflected a certain kind of melancholy that is distinctly British and 90s. My brother had similar music tastes and because I inherited his CD collection as MP3s last year, I feel a sort of affinity to the 90s. The 90s for me was a very different decade for me than it was for her, mainly because of the age difference. My teenaged years were in the 00s while her 20s were in the 00s. Ugh. I am in my 20s, I hate that thought. I hate being a proper adult, especially one that lives with his parents.

Anyway,  I'm quite glad that I didn't gain any weight between yesterday and today (I hope that salad comes out easily). I'm also quite glad that I applied to a fair few jobs. I'm also glad that I've got an oppurtunity today to get on with my schedule and clear things up.

I used to be the sort of person who let things linger, and never wanted to deal with them head on but let someone else deal with it. I'd be the one in the crowd who lets other people do everything. I'm changing but still a little like that, I've got much to work on but I do hope I change. Yesterday morning when I was visualising what needed to be different for me to change in the past, I realised that what needed to change did change a little bit in me. This very thought is giving me an  idea for writing a short story. I've been thinking about doing some creative writing for quite a while.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Something positive to say

Just to say as a retort to my earlier post.

Today I ate heartily (perhaps too heartily), played some halo, had some fun while gaming and most importantly I applied to 5 jobs. Iapplied to easy jobs, that is, jobs that I applied through the guardian, three jobs through the guardian and two sent normally.

So, I think that counts as productive. I hope tomorrow is as productive. Something I've forgotten about this week: I will ahve a hospital appointment in two days. For my eye (long story).

I snacked on some salad just now and I feel quite good after eating. I have that feel good oxytocin feeling. Oxytocin keeps the mia away.

Link: 'I don't know what I want'

"I Don't Know What I Want" Tales Of Mere Existence

Hard truths

The hard truth is my life isn't what I wanted it to be, and that's because I was and still am a deeply flawed person.

This morning I lay in bed, I just felt like reflecting on the past. I decided to be different and went through a process.

1. Answer this question: if you could change something at a crucial time to make it all better for the present what would it be?

1A: the crucial time would probably be either on my second or third year of university. Let's say my third year as that's when I attempted the suicide and it all went downhill. I would have changed the following:

i. Get on with working and try to not let your feelings take over
ii. Go out more and work slowly on anxiety, like I am now
iii. Create scheduling system that I have created now (this would be an impossible task cos it took a lot of me to develolp this)
iv. Allow yourself to be different from the now and get out of the same environment and routine to change things
v. Be more target oriented, set daily targets and dont let them all get on top of you

In a sense, I wouldn't have been open to learning these things back then as I am now. I was too fixed in my thinking. I learned a lot since then, but at too great a cost. Perhaps I was destined to fail.

2. Take on the lessons of 1A and use it for the present.

So I got out of bed, and tidied my bed, then I did some tasks on GCal, and now I'm blogging about this.

I feel a bit down today. I don't know how to change that feeling right now. I wish I did. I suppose all I can do is take on what I've learned now, and be open to new things. My parents are fighting a lot these days and my dad's health is slowly declining but he's too stubborn to change. Being around this is affecting me in very negative ways. I want to escape this, I want to escape all the bad stuff in my life. I don't think there's anywhere to escape to, though. In my head I keep living in the past, I dont want to do that. The present is now and I dont want to lose the future I want. I need to keep going.

This week I worked hard to earn my keep, the point of applying to moer jobs is to get money and sort out my life. Once I've sorted that I can make it better. I can have a chance to escape. I've got a lot to catch up with. For some reason I felt I could get it done last night. That dobby girl I really liked is seeing someone now. That has upset me.

Friday, January 14, 2011

How long has it been?

I've not posted in a while, you might even think I've been out of town for a while with the way I've not replied. I think its nice really, I ritually post on this blog so much that it has become a companion. I did quite like keeping so busy that I needed to make hard decisions about what to do and what to not do. For instance, things I could have done but did not:

  • Catch up on job search
  • Catch up on job applications
  • Go out a bit

Things I did as a priority:

  • Have a shower
  • Sleep long
  • Make breakfast and prepare in detail for the morning ahead
  • Wake up really early for work
  • Prepare work things the night before
I felt tired, a real sense of tired not the kind when I've wanked too much. I'm lazy and this week has taught me that. I've earned all the money I can for this month (unfortunately) but it was nice getting it all in one hit. I think there are lessons to be learned from this week, about physical endurance, about eating, positive lessons to be learned which is is all good.

Today I allocated as a rest day. I've woken up late and I played a bit of halo, maybe its the motion sickness, or the 3 days of toil but I feel quite tired in my head and in my arms. I saw someone famous yesterday, but I'm too tired to talk about that. So today the plan seems to be to work on the bases, the fundamentals: make sure the room is tidy, the bedsheets are changed and maybe think about my belly. I have eaten unreasonably these past few days, but on the other hand I have been busy and there has been a *little* bit of stress at work.

I think that's all I want to talk about. Part of a good story teller is to withhold information. I judge this to be a good thing to give this account of my week. Especially because my fatigue would probably last until tomorrow.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

lazy sundays

Good evening

Last night was interesting. I met some friends in an impromtu meetup and I didn't get (that) drunk. We had dinner at a tapas place, danced in a latin american themed club in oxford street, and then we went back to a house and relaxed a bit. As I may have mentioned in the past, I have a group of friends from sixth from and secondary school and we hang out quite a bit, well over the year at least.

I was with two of them, plus another mutual friend who was the host for the evening at his place. One of the guys had a breakup recently, and he's moved in with this guy. Another few friends of mine from this group from school, were out as well in London, with a pair of girls they've known from years ago and the impression that the friends I was with is that they are pathetic losers. They came from well outside of london to meet with some girls in the (transparent) hope of getting laid. They are so obviously single and looking and try so hard to imperss people. I pity them, but I also understand what its like to be so desperate. I call that, my life in 2006.

 I saw their facebook statuses and they were identcal. It goes to the effect of 'had a great time last night: i saw boobs and a guy dressed as [childhood video game character]!'

That represents everything wrong with the western world: telling people about your day as if it matters on facebook; starting a sentence with this truncated enthymeme of 'I' or 'I think'. People use this weird expression of starting sentences like ' hoping this is a good thing', instead of 'I hope this is a good thing'. This family of expressions are incredibly impersonal and casual at the same time. I feel it infects me. People are increasingly more imbecile, or in their speak: ppl r gettin stupider n lazier.

I had really bad anxiety last night. I just accepted this fact and pretended to have a good time, there were moments when I did feel like I was having a good time and as well I attmepted to not act like a letch. I'm tired of how people act in groups not transferring to how people act as individuals. One of my cunting 'friends' refused to talk about my depression when I opened up to him. My tutor at the time told me: clearly they aren't your real friends. I was very upset at this revelation because I realised the limits of them as friends. They are just people to pretend to be around I was being somehow ironic and cynical in enjoying myself with them, while not conceding my own individuality. I feel that my social personality reflects this cynicism, but not in a way that is entirely negative. I realise people are shallow and genuine people are all around the place.

This is very bad to admit, but I kind of fancy my mate's girlfriend. Not like 'in love' fancy or sexual fancy. I  like her personality, she seems smart and down to earth. Perhaps that's her false social persona but I do not think so. Its nice that there are girls like that around. She's also 18, and that's a bit of an issue. When I was 18 I was a mess, but it made me who I am now, for better and worse. What will a well rounded 18 year old be like when she's 24? shallow? conformist? destroyed? perfect?

Time will tell, and in a sense its a narrative of her growth that should happen organically. People develop in their own ways and imposing your own stories upon them is basically tantamount to teaching them your flaws, on the other hand your own wisdom of relevance can be insightful for them. Anyway, I got up late today and now I'm lazily doing things, I've applied to two jobs and I am (for shame) eating my second pack of pork scratchings which cost 39p. On the plus side, I've walked a lot today and I did do about 2 hours of solid dancing, despite being in a club and having body issues.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The fight for a better me

Good morning,

It still is morning at least for another nine minutes. Let's talk about life. I have this feeling of positiveness in my head. I think maybe its a largely chemical thing, but it seems to be infusing slowly inside me, despite numerous triggers yesterday. I read a lot of encyclopaedia articles last night and that must have helped me, I also read a lot of comics and did a shitload of job searches. Almost enough to clear up my schedule for tonight. I hope that maybe I might be able to play some halo as well later on. I've got a lot on today in terms of applications and I hope that I surmount it. I also have successfully rescheduled my counselling appointment to monday. I believe (I know I hate sentences that start with 'I believe') that if I lose weight I'll be a lot happier in myself. An old mantra of mine was 'one step at a time'. Much of my effort I put down because I thought that it wouldn't help. This was before even the point of trying. That's depressed thinking. That's what I must overcome.

I think that with better skin and a thinner body, I'd be much more attractive and happier. So, with that I say: onwards with my day!

Friday, January 7, 2011

I'm on my own. Now to find the shore.

I've been looking up uniersity prospectuses and funding details lately. I feel totally lost, confused and that makes me feel sad. I feel like I'm too old and I'vel ost the boat. I feel like I've wasted too much time and I've lost the oppurunities I fought so hard to believe were possible for me.

I'll tell you what the reality is, I'm living in my parent's house wearing lazy boy clothes typing about how shit my life is on a computer that is about 1.5 years out of its operational capacity. The computer is falling apart. It's held together by hope and a screwdriver, just like my life.

Is there any point to applying to jobs or this schedule? I feel utterly powerless and life doesn't seem to work for me at all. Yesterday and the day before, I felt awkwardness and anxiety as I entered the office and no one was there, my 'boss' didn't even give me a task. I felt like I was forgotten about. In addition, I've not got a reply from the counselling place about my proposed cancellation. This sucks.

I need to make my own luck. When I consider all the selves I've been in the past, I've probably learned the most out of all of them, not in terms of academical learning but in terms of life. Life lessons are things like being calm in a stressful situation and how to cope when life is shit. Perhaps this is my darkest hour, especially that I have no girlfriend to support me, or a guidance counsellor, or a disability adviser who could help me with my options when I felt depressed and lost.

I'm on my own. Now to find the shore.

I needed to get this thought out of me, so I can now carry on with my day.

Curafail (Arcade fire in the afternoon)

I woke up late today. Tut tut, I know. After yesterday's early one, I ruined it by falling asleep at 6pm and waking up around 9pm. I felt very tired and that was in no small part exascerbated by the weather during my travelling today.

I have just applied some curanail on my toes. It's one of my weekly rituals. I figure my toe weirdness is going to go away after a year or so if I keep using this anti-fungal stuff. It's horribly embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as my dad's feet. I heard my dad in the toilet retching a whole lot of catarrh and phlegm. Apparently my dad has some bacterial issue that relates to the ashma he has. It's shame

Talking about flawed people, I had a night terror moment last night. In the lead up to when I was going to sleep, I was re-living memories. Lately I've been re-living memories about things I've never wanted to think about: my undergraduate years.

In those thoughts I felt incredibly lost and I saw so many of my flaws and I relived the pain of those days. My only consolation was that tomorrow was another day, so I chose to just live in this ship until the storm fades.

And it did, to some extent. Although I woke up late today, I realised that every day is one of potential. I must try to keep that in my mind as much as I can, hopefully I'll then reach for a decent target. Something else that boosted my self esteem is that I lost another lb between yesterday and today. I hope I am on the right track to lose weight for the end of march. I want to reach 220, then maybe if that's possible. I'll aim for 200, maybe once I get to 180 I'll start to look a little bit normal although I do have fairly large shoulders, I think that's an attractive masculine trait, though.

I need a target for weight loss, it will give me hope and will serve as a sort of proof that another life is possible.

With that said, I am going back to work.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

A good morning

Good morning.

It feels like a good morning. I woke up at a good early time, I've found not much difficulty in getting up and out of bed and I feel a little motivated. I did the unusual ritual of brushing my teeth and shaving this morning (It's always one or the other). Today is my 'office day'. I'm off to the office to intern. I've been there so long I have a feeling that the boss is going to say to me at some point 'fuck off' (in more polite terms). I feel that I've been there so long I really need to jump ship. I don't have anywhere to jump though.

Maybe volunteering with the police again? I hope I haven't burned any bridges with them. I can say I've had family troubles over the past few months. That's normally a good reason, and it is partially true: I did have that bereavement of my close neighbour family friend.

I've had this feeling for so long that nothing really changes in my life that I've lost hope. I've lost hope that I'll find a job and I've lost hope that things will ever get better. I've lost hope that I'll get into a PhD or MPhil. Maybe I'll apply for a part time masters one day and hope that I get better grades. I'll start again from there. All I need is the money. Maybe I'll do it through the Open University.

For some reason I thought that I had 2 free hours before I started work. I think I squandered it by looking out of the window. I now have one free hour and I know exactly how it would go (probably). I'll start off with a slow breakfast. Then I'll slowly put my bag together, on the train I'll engage in some reading and then between the door of my bedroom and the door of the office I'm going to poop. I've set myweight target to go to 220 by the end of febuary. Since I've not been 220 for over a year, this would be a precedent. Once I reach 220 I can prove to myslef that I can go lower. I've lost 1lb between today and yesterday, I've not even had a shit yet. I think regular measurements are important to keep a track on myself. I also know too much weighing will upset me.

I probably have annoyed my counsellor a bit because I have emailed to essentially 'cancel' my appointment next week. I've taken on another shift (which will pay for the damn counselling). It's a 11 hour shift on tuesday and wednesday, in short its going to be very extensive. I think I might not have time for breakfast (again) as now I'm clearing up my mp3 player.

I'm feeling surprisingly chipper for today, considering that the past few days previous have felt really shitty. Perhaps I am glad that the old year of 2010 has passed. It brought me much pain. I want to make my own luck. Also at the moment I'm really craving onion ring crisps, that's not good is it?

In my typical luck, something is going to happen in my day to ruin my mood. Maybe I should start believing that the world can be good.

Monday, January 3, 2011 starts first

I came home from seeing friends. I've been paid for last month, albeit a very little amount. It was the around the same amount as I was taxed last month. Coming home I feel a sense of anxiety. There is so much to do and I feel such little energy to do it all. Life seems to be a nightmare of unemployability. I must keep working as an intern and a part time casual labourer.

My head is in a bit of a muddle, I thought I knew what I was going to say.

I am getting upset triggers. My ex for one, I feel little glimpses of lonliness. I wish I was brilliant and beautiful and special. I wish that I would be someone important and someone who genuinely has something special inside them. None of these thoughts matter, all that matters is action. I suppose thats what I must venture towards: action.

I like how some people have a gestalt approach to life where verything seems certain or determined or determinable. Nothing seems certain to me, nothing seems reliable except the graciousness of my parents not kicking me out or charging rent.

Nothing seems to make sense in my head, my feelings are obscured and in a mix. I am a little bit down but I also feel this cloudy feeling where nothing seems to come to me. I need to focus on tasks. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll allow some sleep.

I must work towards improving myself. I've not done very much of that lately. Diet starts first.

Good news and bad news

The good news: I was paid early
The bad news: I've been taxed out of my brown arse, its not even enough for 3 counselling sessions. I'm le fucked. To put it into context. My dad gave me gratuity money (that is his way of saying 'here, buy some trousers') and thats' almost the same amount as I was paid. I'm royally fucked. Fuckedy fucked.

I'm going to have to either go back to the job centre, or I'm going to take a bite from the ISA. I really don't like doing that. My parents are going to be pisssed. I need to keep the secret that I'm going to counselling, but also find a way to make ends meet.

I'm going to go out tonight. Why? I suppose because I need some outlet. I feel so fucking angry, disappointed and fucked. I guess I could find comfort in the tequila I kept in my wardrobe. I just hope my soundcard, or some other aspect of my laptop keels over. I need to aim to get a job soon. What is a realistic expectation of life? I've been applying to jobs for the past two or so years and I've not got a single full time offer. I've got a part time job, two internship offers (one I took) and did voluntary work twice. It almost sounds like I'm a useful member of the community of life, but I feel invalid and empty.

Maybe if I were a giggalo I'd have more money to sort my life out. An escort, or a model, a sexy floozy. Maybe I'd get to keep the clothes. Well, for consolation I could play xbox. That is, when my parents aren't using the tv. Ugh. 

I dream of dobby

I probably should have written this a couple of days ago. On the afternoon of new years day when I woke up. I had an emotional realisation. If I were to explain depression to an outsider it would be like comparing how it feels to wake up with a hangover that never ends. You feel groggy, weak, no motivation, possibly you just want to eat and lay in bed. You feel horrid and there seems like nothing that can make it go away.

That's one kind of depression at least.

I remember when I was in university every day felt like that. Every day felt heavy and I just couldn't find enough strength and motivation to get me going. I am fucked. I need to have a distinction in my Masters degree. I just have a pass. I barely have a pass. I have a 2:i degree, sure, but I don't have a very good masters degree.

I don't think I can hope for a PhD. I really wish I could though. I did do something brave today and look up another PhD programme. I gave a good reason to say no. They only accept MAs with high grade. I woke up about midday today, again I say. Last night I was chatting to 'Dobby'. I've not chatted to her in a while. I really like chatting to her. Somehow it came up about 2girls1cup and 1guy1jar and other related shock videos (mr. hands or the pain olympics) and then we started opening up about sexual things. I was really shocked that I could open up to dobby about my sexual likes, and she did hers. It was a bonding moment and I was also pretty horny.

I think if any girl is ever going to be a potential girlfriend she'll have to accept certain things about my life:

  • I've had an eating disorder
  • I've attempted suicide and was in a mental ward for a while
  • I didn't do well in my masters
  • I have a feet fetish
  • I hump my pilow for sexual relief
I think I've told her about 4-5 of them. Guess which one I haven't told her? it's the one about the masters. I'm deeply ashamed of that, even more than my foot fetish, and the pillow thing. Dobby liked opening up to me cos she says she isn't sure about opening up to people because they 'won't understand' and she told me about her kinky interests. I told her I don't think its weird, in fact I think its hot. Dobs asked me if I was attracted to her and I told her my honest answer: yes, but I try to keep a barrier about that because I respect you as a person and there's a difference between fantasy and reality.

I wonder what it would be like to have dobby as my girlfriend. She's awesome, maybe she's socially awkward like dobby from peep show. I wouldn't care, I think both dobbies are ace. The IT misfit who is a sensitive geek. Dobby is the office pinup and a geek man's dream. I don't want to go as far and say that she's the girl of my dreams, although I have dreamed often of a perfect girl being dobby-shaped. Am I starting to have feelings for a girl on the internet again? Ugh, why does this always happen to me. I don't think it will ever be mainstream to 'meet a girl on the internet'. It's been happening for at least 15 years but its still a bit weird. I asked her out and she sorta said no. That doesn't bode well, but Mark Corrigan went through worse and he still nabbed his dobby.

A friend asked me to come out with him tonight. I think I will, and then i'll go home early. For now, I guess I ought to do the applications I scheduled. Today is surprisingly, a more free day than usual.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Things on my mind

I've sent off two job applications. I feel like my head is overheating a bit. When I do things I feel my anxiety and worry level goes up, and then I don't behave in as productive a manner as desired. I planned to call the photographer today. I'm actually nervous. This guy could be some pervy photographer who wants to suck me off, or wants me to suck him off or has some other combination which involves a guy sucking off another guy. Although he does have a commissioned photoshoot (erotica) with a royal learned society. So he's probably a bit legit.

Anyhoo, on to other thoughts: I've sent of two applications and one of them didn't ask for a covering letter. That's weird. Another thing that throws me off a bit is how much I've got this week. It's a bit much, and as such, I've not got a chance to do the small tasks this week (because I've done them from last week!). Most of the tasks are high anxiety. I guess there's a price to pay for taking off 4-6 days due to holidays and a backlog is exactly the issue. Slow and steady wins the race they say. I'll need to slowly get all my tasks done.

Something else is on my mind. This might sound really stupid but there's another season of skins on channel 4. I bloody love that series. There are so many reasons why I love skins. I was a teenager once, and I am an adult with issues. For those two reasons alone I find it a fascinating show. I didn't have much of a fun teenaged life compared to those skins people but I do relate to how shit they find their lives. If I had shit going on at that young an age my life would have ended up in a very different place. It makes me think of Antonia's daughter. I feel guilty, in part responsible for her situation. If I stepped up and chose to be her dad and stayed with Antonia, maybe I'd be able to give her a good or at least better chance in life than she has now. Being an uncle and having contact with kids since I did my masters has given me a perspective about children, a perspective which makes me worry about the young and worry about 'losing' them to crime or social decay or destruction.

The innocent children do not deserve the things that so often happen to them. Another conflicting and worrying thing about the Skins season that's upcoming is that there is invariably likely going to be more sex and drugs and tantalising action. That's a bit fucked up for a 16-18 year old age group. Maybe for a bit older but sexualising kids at an increasingly younger age (there is this really sexy trailer on channel 4 at the moment where the skins cast are basically naked) doesn't speak well on society. Skins is like a moralising tale (through immorality and the natural youthful debauchery) mixed with real life. I also used to live in Bristol so I feel really nostalgiac about the city, it reminds me of my girlfriend, my undergrad days and I guess who I used to be.

I've probably blogged a lot this day. I've got lots of thoughts and feelings to share. I still have the pet theory that if you let it out emotionally then you can be free of such thoughts and feelings. Maybe now I can get back to my schedule, or maybe I'm just looking for a reason to not get back to it!

My anxiety level is a bit high today for a sunday. It's not great.

Looking forward: the novelty of a new year

The good things I like about this new years' period are:

  • Advertising appeals to a general consciousness of self-improvement and acknowledging of things people need to work on. That's a good attitude to have all times of the year
  • No more parties for at least until summer (phew)
  • I don't see so many family members or old friends until probably summer, or whenever the big next celebration/mourning period is
  • Sales
  • The novelty of a new year, and the general novelty of newness gives one a sense of short term motivation that does not last very long. The flawed nature of my mind (and perhaps this is more general than me) is that people will thing this sense of motivation will last forever. I guess that short-termism mistakenly transllated into a long term commitment which takes much effort and dedication, is the flaw of the human condition. Feeding me now will not feed me forever. Happiness is but a temporary and passing state, not some enduring mindset that stays without effort (that sounds like drug-addled mania to me)
Having a long termist and perhaps 'pessimist' outlook means I don't follow my waves of emotions too much, not to say that I do not. Last night and the night before I rode the wave of enjoyment partly fueled by alcohol and other parts fueled by genuine excitement (note to self, my mental monologue over-uses the word 'genuine'; it's my equivalent of how people over use literally).

Now that the party has ended, and the after party has ended, I need to get back to things. I had a trigger of upset earlier. Perhaps its a little trigger, but its enough to throw me a bit. I need to think up new tasks to keep organised (things if I ignore I'll end up in a worse situation), but also keep the regularity and consistency of the tasks I've already constructed.

My schedule is a dialectic: the sufficient amount of regularity and order insofar as it is possible to keep in my pre planned tasks keeps me organised, but being flexible enough to account for the new, and refresh and revise what I already have to do in order to make my situation even beter, is a sense of initiative that (ideally) gives me a wider perspective beyond the ritualism and obsession with a single plan which may change or fail.

I learned a lot of flaws about myself this week, partly through my own acts but also from watching the flaws of others. Flawed people this week:

  • Alcohol issue guy who danced half naked
  • My friend who treats other friends in a derogatory way without realising the tension it creates
  • My friends who have laziness and lack of effort where things don't get done or move forward (I am guilty of this more than any of the flaws mentioned)
  • Showing off too much to the extent that you over state your abilities.
Okay I've said my piece. Now to get on with my year, my week, and my life.

P.S. it totally does not feel like a Sunday.

I had a little upset trigger.

Maybe its just little but it still runs deep.

The good thing about seeing my old friends again is having a laugh. Seeing them too much unlocks a trigger or two.

I need to work on myself a lot more. There's much to do, and it seems never to be enough. Sometimes as they say the proof is in the pudding. I must demonstrate what I am and what I believe in my actions. My actions must reflect in some way some deep conviction and committment. That is not demonstrated immediately and I find that agitating.

I hope I have lost weight between today and tomorrow. I'm expecting a big shit to come any time soon.

I'm feeling a bit off at the moment. I'm totally thrown by the fact that its sunday.

post "post party" party

So. Let's review.

Last night I went to a new years eve party. The hitches were numerous: roads being blocked due to fireworks display, friends having (swine) flu and anxiety/weight issues. These issues dissolved after a couple of drinks. I got drunk, perhaps hurrendously drunk, but it wasn't the worst in the world.


Getting home, I was hungover in the morning and then I had a post-party party. This was a chillout day with some mates, and it also involved some laughing, walking and general enjoyment. I took some spoils from last night, namely: a can of gas (long story) and the drinks i brought that no one wanted. In a sense it was like getting my money back. Except no money, but what I bought. It was a value for money route. I then spent a bit today while out with my friends, I spent some money on the food and then I spent some money on lunch. I am going to calculate my walking distances for today. I hope that will assure me. I didn't 'overeat' as such today.

Some observations have emerged. It seems that some people don't have perfect lives, which saddens me but also I found a bit levelling. Having a realistic view of the world that everyone is in a shitty situation relative to them is insightful. The issues are:

  • One guy (school friend) with a beautiful girlfriend who is successful for reasons that I won't disclose, is having a difficult time with his girlfriend. They are having a 'trial separation' or 'taking a break'. Call it what you want, my friends are calling it the end. Who knwos, but this much is clear: they are having troubles. Sad really, but that's how relationships go.
  • One of the guys at the party started dancing to the point of half nudity apparently has 'alcohol issues'. It was less funny once realising this, and more bizarre and disturbing.
  • I noticed tensions and rifts between friends, mine and others. The host's best mates were inappropriately close to his girlfriend, touching and flirting and other such activities. My mate (whom I know the host through) was getting a bit pissed at the aforementioned naked guy due to his inappropriate closeness
  • Another tension: the hosts of the post party got pissed at my mate (aforementioned pissed off guy) because of the way he was treating them, mainly due to an incident with a bass guitar. There were also tensions of interests: one part of the group wanted to play xbox, another wanted to watch action films. THere were moments when one seemingly could cut the tension with a knife. I felt odd because I didn't want to make eye contact with the guy who made it tense, but I also wanted to appear like an impartial party. If there is division I don't want to be in the dividing lines.
In short, while I had fun, I saw the limits of friendship. I feel a new sense of confidence in the potential invitation I had to a photoshoot, what a bizarre turnout. Perhaps I might be a sexy model. Anyway, people talk so much of 'new year new you'. Perhaps I might join that wagon and work on myself. I do that anyway, but it's nice to have a checkup on my priorities.

I'm not sure if I have any more things I need to think about but I've run out of lucidity. I am going to map my walking data before relaxing and then bed. Much to do tomorrow. It all kicks off again.

Happy new year.
Now get on with it.  Ugh, I'm going to be 25 this year...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

hangover (post party)

Good ...afternoon?

I didn't just get up now. I woke up about an hour and a half ago. I did, to my credit, only sleep for about 6 hours. I went to sleep from about 6:15 probably. I put on some brahms, and my head just kept ticking over while I was drunk with various thoughts.

I think many of my thoughts were twoard the fact that being drunk was like being in an emotional safety cushion or emotional womb, where amniotic fluids protected me from what I was really feeling. I can understand why Chuck wanted to drink himself to death, I can understand why people feel they need to embrace that barrier to life. My life certainly sucks. I'm glad that even when I was drunk, I had a semblance of responsibility and control. Last night two friends of the host got half naked and near the point of nudity while dancing in front of us to various rock tunes.

I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think it meant that they were more drunk than us, and any embarrassing thing we did paled in comparison.

All things ocnsidered I had a reserved hangover and I only puked a little bit, and it was more forced than involuntary. Looking at the headlines, I'm quite glad we found a reason to party. The world doesn't seem as nice a place. I just saw a report that the CBI predicts difficult economic times ahead, in addition it looks like there will be a related price rise in the VAT increase. I never thought that such matters of money and economics would worry me so much, but with all that goes on it affects me. More VAT means things will be expensive, when I have little money already, that's not a great situation.

I hate saying this and in fact I cringe that it sounds like the voice of inaction: hopefully come tomorrow I'll have the New Years and Christmas spirit out of me and i'll knuckle down to some applications and activity. There, that wasn't so hard.

I have to stop my musings and get dressed. I've got a second party to go to.

All I need now is a lovely life companion.