Sunday, January 23, 2011

This feels early (Cocteau Twins in the Morning - again)

Good morning,

I got up at around 7:30am. That meant that I only slept about 5 or so hours. I'm not complaining, its great. I faced a decision: either get out of bed or lay in bed. The only thing that motivated me to get out of bed was to play Halo: Reach on the xbox while no one was downstairs. As it happens, I did and I played until I got bored and I thought: since I'm up, I'm going to shave. It's not the best way to get up and be 100% productive, but its a mindhack to get me up.

I wish I could say I didn't overeat last night, if I'm honest, I don't recall if I did or did not. I know that supper was a lot, and I cooked more than I could eat (no meat though). The rest of the day of saturday did not consist of much food. I had a huge shit last night, really long.

I had this weird dream on friday night/saturday morning: it was about my brother. The dream was that my brother was missing, in a sense it is not far from the truth. My brother refuses to visit us and I probably won't see him for a while, he's got his problems, and I need to work on mine. Today I will resolve to improve myself by applying to jobs.

I know that I've not been terribly eloquent in past days, I don't know how to reply to that, honestly. I feel this sense of emptiness and hopelessness in life, social mobility has ended and I can't get a break. I'vebeen sending off applications fairly consistently this past week and no reply. I'm going to be motivated today and I shall get lots done. I shall lose weight and get the body I want. I will feel positive and get my confidence back. I will be beautiful again.

I'm also trying to react to what happened while I was 'mia'. I'm not really sure how to conceptualise it.

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