Monday, May 31, 2010

The pill box

One development, a fairly recent ritual in the grand scheme of things; is my pill box. I keep a plastic container with a divider of about 10 subsections to carry drugs. It currently houses:

1. Aspirin
2. Paracetamol
3. Ibuprofen
4. Antihistermines
5. A couple of Immodiums
6. Guaranga/caffiene tablets
7. Diuretics

I often make a point of refilling the empty sections often. I like a full box. The pills all have diferent functions. Antihistermines are useful as I'm very affected by pollen. Diurectics help me undo overeating.

The earphone case

Yesterday my dad was going through our old effects and technologies from yesteryear. One of the things that he found from the distant past was my old PDA that I got from the disability student allowance; that broke after a very short time. My dad asked what to do with it; I wasn't sure myself. The device seemed to have lost its functionality. If Only I could get my phone to work properly and then I'd deem a PDA to be obsolete, since my phone functions mostly in the same way. The phone even has a stylus.

Another thing that my dad found were the old ADSL modems, boy, that really brought back some darned memories. Believe it or not we are on the third wireless modem, and at least the 4th or 5th DSL modem. We've taken fast internet for granted in this household, 8 years is a long time; but in a way, it seemed to go by very quickly. Quickly like internet speed, ha ha.

I remember the old Wi-Fi's that dad used to have in the house, the first one didn't even fucking work; but then again, wireless laptops were the preserve of the super rich back then. By generation 2 wifi modem we had gotten a little used to it and my DSA (disability student allowance) gave me a laptop with a wifi modem inside; it shorted out after a while but go figure; it was new.

By generation 3, wifi was a given. Everything is bloody wifi; my phone is wifi; my MP3 player is wifi; even fucking ebook readers can be wifi these days (see recent release of iPad). Tehcnology these days, eh?

The thing that brough it most home to me was a round latex-plastic-y soft thing. I recognised it after a while of my dad holding it. It was a coil, or a wrapping around device for earphones. What really astounded me was that I didn't have earphones that had that coiling thing for about 7 years. It took me back to the days of college. I used to have a CD player, and it wasso advanced it had this unique encoding system that could turn a CD (if customised) into a data storage unit for music that lasted up to 24 hours long. I don't know how long that is in tracks but that was a fucking super charged device, even compared to the MP3 players of that era; which I must admit, were still infantile during the day.

During the days of college I was so busy with my exams and academic work that I lost track of all the technological advances, it only dawned on me by the time I started university how things advanced, and that added to my sense of despair back then. I felt that the world was moving so far forward that I was losing track and stuck in a past that, while by my own standards now was basically yesterday (I now consider last year as basically yesterday); it was an eternity ago when I was still in college.

I graciously accepted my dad's offer of those used earphones. At the moment I use a discarded cylandrical tube (I think it used to keep alka selzer type bubbly tablets) for my earphones. I have decided to use the old 2003 style earphone holder with the earphones that I think I've owned since about 2007-2008. Now those sennheisers, are another story!

I found it nice to write a nostalgia post. I thought this is an insight on how sentimental I can be.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

journey within

I've mentioned in past posts that I can often feel in a state of 'stupour'. That is the only word that I can think of that matches to how it feels. I feel like my thoughts, my motivations and my intentions become, during this state of stupour, 'fuzzy'. This sounds very unclear and I displike using such terminology or descriptions but this is my best attempt to explain how it feels.

I feel this mental suffocation that hinders my motivation, my aspirations, my want to push myself and my want to go further. In these states, I often go and watch TV and snack myself silly, or masturbate; just to feel something, anything at all that feels 'pure' and 'clear' that which I can escape this unclear and fuzzy sense of semi-existence.

Is it related to my depression? I am not sure.

Within this state of stupour, I feel that I do not challenge myself nor do I have the dispositions to be the person that I want to be.

I have a feeling that this feeling of stupour is related to the fact that I am living under my parent's roof. My parents are flawed people. I see their flaws but I feel that I've come to accept them.  The old me, who was bullimic, didn't accept these flaws, I called them up on it and brought it to the light of a conversation. The ways in which people react to flaws interests me. It reminds me of how I react to my own flaws.

Today I decided to do something different. I felt in this state of stupour. I thought about the reasons why I was feeling this way. I felt dirty and that often doesn't help my state of mind. I went for a shower and had a shave, and attended to my personal hygiene. I felt that this was the first good step toward eradicating my stupour.

I decided to put on clothes to go outside. I came to the realisation that this feeling of stupour consists of my lack of attendance to those issues that I otherwise find pressing and important. I decided to go for a walk, I considered it as a spiritual excercise. I would go with no precise intentions or outcomes. I thought that I would walk to my old school, or the posh villagey side of town. I thought about going to the used book shop where I bought my first Aristotle. I then realised that many of my decisions when going out revolved around excercising my consumer muscle. I felt ashamed at that. My life, and the lives of so many around me, have been reduced to the capitalist fetishisation. As it happens, I went shopping.

I know. I'm pretty inconsistent, right?

I bought the following items, I deem these items as an extension of my personal expression, and for utilitarian functions. I bought some music, Kodaly, Schubert, Brahms, I bought a play 'a streetcar named desire', I bought some incense and a book on aromatherapy. Actually I just wanted the music, but the charity shop had a minimum spending amount for using a debit card and I didn't have any cash, so go figure. I went to boots ad bought insect repellant  spray, because, quite simply, i've been meaning to purchase some for a while and I followed up that intention with an action. I also bought some dentistry items, I bought tooth floss with this extended handle that means I dont have to dig into my mouth to use it. I also bought some things that remove plaque, and a mirror. I bought some shaving gel because, quite simply, I am running out and I hate using that chavvy gillette foam that my dad uses. Lastly I purchased a tongue scraper. I've always been curious so I got one. I hope that doesn't sound like too much of an indulgent set of purchases. It wasn't cheap though. Well, the music was.

During that walk I discovered a lot of things about myself. I went outside without an intention. I thought that was a philosophical point in itself. As I walked around, I discovered things about myself, as I paced down the streets it was like going down avenues in my mind. Places that exist inside me that perhaps I may not like, or other places that I have forgotten, and others that I have ignored. I have decided to be a little more assertive and attempt to not be so powerless.  I used to be someone important. Who am I now? I do not know. But I need to act.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Taking a pause

I wanted to take a pause from my schedule just to put a dip into the engine and gauge where I am right now. Presently I am applying for jobs. I am waiting on various things at the moment, some of which I ought to follow up.

1. PhD application
2. Referral back to the Job Centre
3. Receiving my ECDL certificate
4. Results from my Interview yesterday (i know one was a rejection, anyway)

Today I've applied for four things, they are sort of jobs, one internship, one work experience placement; go figure. It's also a very sunny day today and I am slightly inclined to go out for a walk and maybe find an excuse to spend my new money in a small way to comfort myself. Yes, I'm consumer crazy and I feel like less of a person with less spending power. There I said it; in the week when everyone is going crazy over the iPad; an eBook reader for a generation that cannot read.

I've finished a volume of poetry yesterday, and I'm close to finishing my Bertrand Russell. I'm not even close to finishing my book review and on my mind right now is a fixation to go out and do some small purchasing tasks. I'd like to put in some quids in my Oyster card (I like having it with a little more money; I'm presently on £20; maybe I'll put it up to 40). I'd like to buy some more waxing strips and a mud facial mask. I'd love to get a haircut too. I'm very much overdue for a haircut.

Lately I've been delving in the dangerous idea to cut my hair short. Part of me feels that I'd be selling out. Another part of me feels that I'd be buckling to the conformist ways of the employment world. Another part of me thinks: maybe I'm being stubborn and unreasonable, I should just let go of the old me.

I was also thinking about just browsing about town and maybe going charity shopping. There isn't much to do in the part of town I live in. It is just shops, and most of them aren't very good, either. At least when I was little there was a woolworths and next to it a Marks and Sparks; now its a Primark and a fucking t(w)at store that still has the woolworths logo above it. The pound shop that was there closed down. A place has to be pretty fucking bleak for the pound shop to go bust.

Maybe I'll go and browse around Lidl; they always have fun random stuff there like power tools and walkie talkies. Where has my life gotten to if I have to consider lidl as a place to express my consumer niches. I ought to contact the police for next week to let them know if I can make a day or two for work experience. I'll see how that goes. I've felt a lack of emotional energy. You know how there's that spoon theory that talks about having a limited amount of 'spoons' to expound your activities during the day? Well, I have emotional or anxiety spoons. I used a lot of them up yesterday. On the plus side, I am feeling a little more like a human being in that I'm applying to jobs, keeping busy and keeping not only off the booze, but off the pillow (I fuck a pillow for sexual relief, you know).

Gosh, when I say it like that I do sound like quite a loser. Well I admit it, I'm being warts and all honest, talking of warts; I've got these fucking ugly purple spots on my arm that I can't remove. I also need to wax again. Stripping my body hair is a constant battle. I've got a few purple bumps on my chest as war wounds.

Part of me acknolwedges that my ex is hppier than she was with me. If I really care about her, I'll accept that and get on with my life and not dwell. I'm sure sh'ed want me to do that as well. I'm not very good at magnanimity. I suppose life is giving me another challenge.

I know that I'm always a downer on these bloody posts, in this post I'm not a downer. I'm positive. Well, I'm not negative, at least. I'm hoping to get my life back, reach my potential and be 'me' again. Despite my hiccup of eating chinese takeaway earlier this week, and my gin drunkeness last night; I do feel quite energised and refreshed. Today has had its own challenges but I have done a fair amount to make me proud. And I've still more to do. I want a lunch break first though. Mum's made some lovely chicken, mmmmmm.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

post masturbation thoughts

Lately, after seeing a very slutty picture of my ex on facebook; i've been masturbating and thinking about her. Such an activity makes me quite emotional. Antonia has left a big gap in my life. I want someone else to fill it. It's silly isn't it. I'm  engaging in the fallacious behaviours and emotional patterns that I thought I was above.

I hear a lot of cats fighting today. My neighbour informedme that it is related tot the fox problem in the area. Cats are fighting a lot more in recent days. I wish I had a better explanation than the foxes. In the past couple of days I've been chatting to this new girl on MSN. She's lovely, she's also tortured unfortunately; but she's a beautiful soul. I think if circumstances were different I'd definately get closer to her.

I'm not used to talking to girls, in fact I have very little relevant human experiences. I'm presently listening to Paul Hindemith, its dissonant lieder style seems to express the angst and its contrapunctal melodies express the various binds that pull me in different directions; all of them bad directions.

So today, I have an interview. I ought to have breakfast, maybe. My weight is 232.6 today. I'm not sure if that's improvement. I feel that despite my efforts jogging, I am losing the battle for losing weight. It's a depressing through given all my efforts in recent days. My job hunting has also been at an all time low. I've applied at a rate of about 1 a day. That's not enough. 5 A day would satisfice.

I'm also waiting for news on my PhD application. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm supposed to know in just over a month if my fate is sealed. Please tell me, lord if I have a chance.

I want a better life for myself. I don't want to live with my parents and masturbate into a pillow for the rest of my life. I want a better computer, maybe an XBox; I'd love to have a car, or a motorcycle; I'd love to have lots of fancy clothes. I'd love to be a better person too.

It looks very dark and bleak today, a distant memory of what was a brililantly sunny day. Call it pathetic fallacy, or just call it a shit day. I better put my trousers on and prepare for the interview.

So, lets summarise the fun things of yesterday:

1. I applied to one job, admin assistant at the city of london
2. I did a fair few job searches
3. I prepared for my interview, I had a hitch with trying to make a writing sample. I made it through eventually.
4. I booked an appointment with the dental hospital. I'm going for an assessment to get my tooth taken out in a couple of weeks.
5. I was invited to a phone interview.
6. I trained for 50 minutes yesterday and went over 4.5k in under an hour. Not bad, I have a fair amount to work on. Perhaps when I can do 10k in around an hour I will have a great level of fitness.

Prospects of today:

1. JSA will be (hopefully) paid in today
2. Telephone interview for paid internship
3. Interview for unpaid internship
4. Anything else I get done today will be a nice bonus.

On the one hand I have not posted much about myself on this blog/journal, but on the other hand I find myself despierately needing someone to talk to. I feel very isolated and alone and I have a distinct feeling that life is passing me by so quickly. I'm going to be 24 next month and I have so little to show fo my life.

I feel in no small way that my life is a failure. I feel that I am underachieving and because I'm not in school or university with no one to 'care'; I'm just let alone to rot away in a gradual decline.

I certainly sound awfully positive today don't I! I'm sorry, you are the only person I really have to talk to. I'm always pretending to be someone else when I am with other people; even with my family, my ex, my best friends. Perhaps its only a complete stranger whom I can be most open with. Or no one at all (thus I blog).

I started a new music playlist yesterday. I'm going to miss listening Glenn Gould when that old playlist ends, I felt at home there. My new playlist is much more eclectic, and not exaclty in the way that I like, either. It was nice to listen to Glenn Gould; it was like revisiting an old friend who taught me and saw me grow. Like meeting my old music teacher. I miss my old school, they made me a wonderful man. I just wish I did more to honour their efforts to educate me. I've disappointed them.

I'm feeling very tender and scared emotionally of late. My feelings are rising to the surface. I think that this should be to be a good sign. I'm lonely. Someone please save me.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

the memory box

fuck, my article isn't in the memory box.

I did find some interesting things in the memroy box though, things that represent memories

UCAS offer for my university
ex girlfriend's stale underpants
coaster from megadeth gig
programme for conference in malmsbury (celebrating Hobbes)
programme notes for an organ recital in south wales
ticket stubs
the OTHER article that I kept

I keep lots of memories. Time passes quickly. Although I don't need a time capsule to tell me that; it is nice to be reminded.

Secrets and tricks

One character trait of my old self was a very rigorous and systematic approach. I use eccentric methods and obsess over taking records of things.

This has proven useful in my most recent task of finding my newspaper articles. I have documents on PDF from about 2005 and even earlier. I keep records, I scanned folders for about 5 months in 2007, and 4 months or so in 2009. I'm obsessed with records and data. Call my sentimental, call me odd. But you never know when you may need it.

The day today

I've applied to a job, recieved a telephone interview and I've gotten my newly purchased goggles.

So, what's so bad?

Well, I'm feeling resonance from that trigger yesterday and earlier this morning. It's a bit difficult to recover from. I think I've done otherwise well. I've also had a spot of trouble in preparing my writing sample for my interview tomorrow. It's going to be tough as the university took down my articles.



I woke up early, upset. Now let's leave that behind for now.

I went for a jog, it was a fairly good jog if I do say so myself. I feel energised and yet slightly calm. I also have enough energy I feel for the rest of the day. It got my heart and lungs to work a bit for my body. I've made a new music playlist, it's quite nice.

I'm sitting in front of my desk, I feel clean in a post-shower glory. My body also feels physically fatigued mainly because it is in the literal sense, used up a little.

I shall go about my day and see how much I can do. I have lots of procrasination tasks that I could do, in addition; I could always finish early. Tomorrow is the day of my interview. I better prepare a bit. I want to note some positives:

I applied to 4 jobs this week
I got two interview invitations (three, technically but lets forget about the other one it was shit)
I have been jogging a fair bit this week, mainly for fitness rather than specific targets.
I've been a little more in control of my eating
I have one interview this week
It's the first time in a while that I've been free to my own ends, first week out of REED
I've been getting up early for a few days. It's quite refreshing
The weather is lovely, and so are my sunbathing neighbours

Emerging beauty

I had a trigger last night. My ex girlfriend upset me from afar again. I noticed last night that she had a terribly gorgeous new profile pic that was both sexual and tittilating. She had a nipple showing and she was basically naked.

I saw the body that I used to know intimately, every curve, scent and taste, from her bumhole to her toes to her sweaty forehead. I wanked, I came, I cried inside. This morning I was in the grasp of a depressive moment. Almost despairing. But one thought tore me away from those jaws of despair. Me.

I Got out of bed. The current time is 6:48. I've already shaved, brushed my teeth and tidied my bed. I have that feeling of upset on the throes of despair. But I've talked myself out of bed. I've realised all the potential that today may bring. I thought to myself: you can spend the day going in circles in your head in thoughts about Antonia and the life that you lost. Or you can jog.

Suddenly the music from Rocky IV came into my head, you know; the training montage. It's nice and early, I'm gonna put on my gym kit and do some training. I'm going to come home to a medium-low heat shower and start my day with job hunting and other such productive activities.

I looked in the mirror today. Do you know what I saw?

I saw a gorgeous and young boy. He had a little bit of darkness in him, but there was a little bit of potential. I can be where I want to be. I can be the person I want to be. I have to go through this though.I have to go through these feelings right now in order to get to that distant person I want to be. 'He' needs it to be who he is, and I need this to be who I'm going to be.

He's coming, I'm going to make it happen. In the depths of despair I regain my breath. I stand at despair and shout back. I'm coming back. I'm going to be me again. But first I must do this...whether it's jogging, job hunting, reading, pushing myself.

Let's get on with this motherfucking day. And let's make it a good one.


Monday, May 24, 2010

the uphill struggle

I went jogging today. It was about 40 mins +10 mins walking. I did that errand that my mum wanted me to do.

I applied to two jobs today.

I've done a bit of job searching

I've bought some tactical goggles that I might double as sunglasses

There are some sexy gorgeous neighbours outside my window sunbathing. They are red with burning and one has a gorgeous hanging belly and a gorgeous grabbable body. The other is gorgeous and skinny. Both of these girls are the kind of ladies I'd have dreamed about as a teenager. I'm not a teenager now and I still have no chance. Not until I get my life back. I need to have a grasp of what my priorities are. I must jog more; I must lose weight. I must keep the fight.

I say that as I had a tea break, one that involved eating a big slice of pavlova, and a big piece of chicken. My mum made the extra special effort to make me feel down for 'eating'. I hate when she does that. I hate how she puts me down. I hate when anyone puts me down.

The reasin I'm trying to impvoe myself is so that no one can put me down.

I feel when I wake up I am in an almost child like mindset. I find life scary. I find my life in distinct continuum with my childhood. Life is scary, but I swallow it down to keep going.

Life's lost lessons

I woke up early today to see the last episode of Lost. I got up at 6:30, not with that intention to watch lost but seeing as it was playing out on the television I thought it would be nice to watch it early, anyway.  As I finished watching I felt lost in that world of fiction where there was a plane crash and a black smoke monster and an island.

For a brief moment, so many of my intuitions, insights and grasps to normal precepts of reality were suspended. I remember that Marie used to tell me of how she loved watching movies and spent so much of her down time watching films to escape from the world. In a sense I can very much sympathise and understand this. In no small way is the power of film and television so captivating that we enter a new mental world.

So I'm on with my day. Today starts my actual attempts to start job hunting intensely after the whole REED incident. It feels weired and I feel a dulling effect on my mind as I am at home. It's that dulling effect that sterilised me when I moved back home.  That loss of motivation and independence that cut off my manhood and made me dependent again.

It is hard to fight that negative force, especially in consideration of the fact that I do not have many prospects of getting out of here. However, when pandora's box was completely emptied out; the one thing left in it was hope. Hope is what motivates me. I'm off to get a passport renewal form from the post office for my mum. It's annoying, but maybe it will do me good.


p.s. i'm 233lbs (post bbq weight)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Very hot weather :)

The weather outside is really hot.

It makes for very tough jogging conditions, sweaty and hard to breathe. I went out and did 2.2 miles in about 35 minutes, that meant my jogging speed was 4.1 mph average. I pushed myself a bit more and it took a toll on my heart a little. I think that little push helped for my cardio and respiration though. Those factors are great towards the assistance of fat burning. I dedicated about under an hour and I'm very proud of pushing my bounds, even though in terms of the calorie usage it could have been better.

Once I got home, I was genuinely exhausted and I stripped naked in my room and just sweatily panted while laying on my bed, turning to find the cold threads of cotton comfort me. Once I got some strength back I then took to some more waxing (it's a minor obsession to wax my hairy body, but its also anticipation for my new body. I'm glad that I'm out of REED now I have time for myself to jog and hunt for jobs more intensely. I say that but I havent' applied to one job snice I left. I haven't wasted my time today however. I had a warmdown and watched some episodes of X men. After warmdown I then took to a shower and I enjoyed the refreshing clean that I felt. I put on some fancy clothes and I realised that my clothing scheme has changed quite a bit in recent months. I'm wearing non-denim casual trousers from gap, and a nice shirt from Primark that has these buttons on the sleeves that make you roll them up with great ease. In addition, I have also a nice 'grandad' ribbed undershirt. It is nice for opening up to show your chest. If I wasn't so fat I would be absolutely gorgeous,

In fact, I am a little gorgeous. So I'm going to spend mroe time on my appearance and looking good. And more time on focussing on avoiding eating, or eating less rather. I kind of miss having an eating disorder. I miss that feeling that I'm special.

Mia was bothering me this morning, she was trying to keep me in bed, with her mind games. I eventually deveated those thoughts and got out of bed to eventually jog. I had a nice couple of bagels for breakfast.

I feel that my eating habits are linked to my sense of control. I really 'let go' of my weight once I start comforting and stop counting calories. I'll try to be more restrictive.

After the shower, I then practiced piano for a good 40 minutes or so. I rarely get to practice these days so it was nice to keep up on my technique. I find that when I played the piano back in the day, the 'gains' came only after lots and lots of effort. The same goes for when I was in grad school. After hundreds of hours of toil I got to see any form of 'progress'. Normal people's lives are not so challenging and heavy. I am learning that as I learn to be 'normal. For me 'normality' is the option I have to defeat my depressive tendencies. Am I losing my brilliance? I don't know.

But I have to keep busy.

I'm feeling quite lonely lately. I want an excuse to go out and enjoy the weather, maybe a pub lunch with mates; shopping; a date; anything.

I however, am burdened with a full schedule and a GCal Block. I've not had one of those in a few days.That's the price of taking time off and attending to one's self.

I'm a ltitle hungry. I really love those crisps from M&S.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Out of jail

Yesterday was the debrief/last day at REED. It was quite refreshing. I do regret leaving (although its involuntary) and the enjoyment I've had from talking to girls there. It is a little bit pathetic, and not the kind of place to meet girls, or friends; but I did see my old friend from school there, and there was a really cute girl in a place where cute girls were very low in number. She had an anorak which made her a little geeky-cute too.

Anyway, Now I'm out of there, I'm on with my life, my schedule and I'm back to seeing the job centre nutters again. I think I much preferred being around people my own age than the 'louts' of the job centre. I saw the worst things about myself while at REED, but then I also learned to discover my good points as well. My personality and determination seemed to shine through in the midst of the despair of that place. My advisor said that 'everyone noticed' my determination and strength of will.

When I got home I masticated a bit, then fell off to sleep. Woke up nearly at 10pm, and it was still quite bright considering. In recent days I've had lots of memory triggers; some sad, some neutral, some just memories. It feels odd that I'm getting all of these memories again, I'm not sure why. Am I nostalgic? Is there a trigger or some kind of underlying cause?

I have a full schedule for the next few days, and I hope to carry all of the lessons learned from my recent training experience to my job search at home. Better still, I hope I get a job!

In other news, I've bought two shirts from primark yesterday. I have bought about 5 shirts that have almost identical design; they are these dress shirts that have a button up feature on the middle of the arm so you can roll them up and they also have epaulettes. It's very 'Lost' and cool at the moment, I'm wearing the shirt and I'm richard alpert, or benjamin linus; going through the island and its various mysteries and plot twists.

Today I intend to do some job shadowing and then I'll mill about the nearby shopping centre, or perhaps I'll visit marks and spencers to get those crisps I really like, or perhaps not. I'm fat.

Anyway, I'm going back to my job search now. I only seem to want to write these posts when I'm busy with something else. I suppose one may call it a pause.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The last push

Finally, my time in prison is looming to the end. I have almost done my time. Tomorrow will be my last day. Now knowing that, I hope not to be disappointed or frustrated.

Today I'm going to be hunting for more jobs, as I usually do. Perhaps now that I'll be out of this godforsaken place I may reflect on some positives.

1. I've rediscovered the good parts of me:

1.1. I am focused, dedicated, helpful, quiet, non-threatening, amusing, jovial, enthused, calm, dispassionate, stoic, determined.

3. I've rediscovered old parts of me, which I was in need of relearning. I have my motivation back, my drive, and my hope.

4. I have healed slightly from my depressive tendencies

5. I have more capability of coping

6. I have more optimism

7. I have improved my social skills

8. I'm a little less shy talking to girls

9. I've applied to a shitload of jobs, a shitload.

10. Now that its over, I can go back to my jogging, intensify my job hunt at home with the new skills I've learned; and do more work experience/volunteering with the police.

Here's to hoping, because I sincerely want this to get better.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

prison games

while at reed; I've found a whole range of attitudes, outlooks and reactions, both from the metaphorical prisoners (like myself) and the prison officers. I see around me so many different approaches to our mutual situation. A negative attitude breeds a negative response. It seems the only neutrality comes from genuine effort.

Next to me is someone who is working on a CV and seems otherwise dedicated (minus some swearing yesterday). I see the guy I started off with, the guy who impregnated the girl; and that girl was friends with Ems; who in turn has her own way of response. Pregnator guy is being told off by one of the prison officers because of his lack of effort in job searching. all he does is sit outside with one of the other guys and 'sunbathe' in her words. His lack of effort and motivation denotes his sense of hopelessness, and perhaps worse than hopelessness is his unwillingness to improve his situation or to realise that these people are trying to help him. He's the resistant inmate.

There are the smart alec guys, they are defensive of their flaws and problems that they are suggested to work on. They start out okay, sometimes friendly, sometimes they are graduates or just smart and skilled people. They tend to get aggressive toward the staff as an expression of their lack of will to change.

There is then the slightly slow fellow; he's doing his best, he's unwittingly hopeless, but he's working on his flaws. He can't possibly offend the sentiments of the officers because of his well meaning nature; he however, due to genetics, and poor confidence, is also hopeless. I wish him well. Maybe one day, when he's out of 'jail'; he'll do well, or end up in Big Brother.

What am I in these scheme of things? I'd like to think of myself as the morgan freeman or tim robbins type. I don't cause trouble, and i'm friendly with the warden. I speak to the warden on a similar level to him, and I'm not doing anything to give me a longer sentence. If I am granted a longer sentence it may be just because of my overqualification.

I see the flaws in these people and I probably have my own. My lack of will or resistance to adapt to their ways; I do however, eventually adapt. Maybe I'm like the hopeless slow man; maybe I'm also arrogant. Maybe I'm none of these things. In a sense, I don't really care to explore the depths of what role I play. I just get on with things; or at least look as if I do.

I find blogging in prison comforting.You might be thinking how odd it is that for the past few weeks I have been blogging very little and today I give three posts. I suppose that shows my laziness today, but also I feel in an introspective mood; the kind of mood that i'm too tired to communicate after I get home. Speaking of home. I'll probably go in an hour.

I write to let go of thoughts and move on with my life. I hate that feeling that i need to write lotso f posts because I have so much to talk about. I find writing these posts a lot better than actually talking to people. I can use these self monologues for future reference and there is something awfully academic about writing like this; it has 'references' and urls and systematised referencing potential.

A musical pause

Pauses in music are powerful. Silences can be powerful, more so than noise itself. John cage achieves this in 4'33''. Silences, and pause allows for the chaos to sink in; for the hectic to be understood; and for the interpreter, the historian, the exegete to do their work.

I'm taking a pose from my job hunt to pause for two reasons. Well maybe three, but one is based on the two.

1. I got a call from my advisor, interrupting my flow. I was listening to some polish black metal while applying for a job and I found myself in quite a good routine. I then get a call that my advisor (away from the office) wants me to apply to a data entry job that I may be qualified to.

The more i think about it; I have never normally considered that my ICT skills would be the main part of my job. I spent most of my life in front of a comptuer and on the internet; I've done so maybe since I was 10-11. It is partly to cope with loneliness, partly my arousal nature, partly a way of overcoming my disability and finding greater experession to my humanity (like this blog).

The advisor wants me in for a data entry job that sounds fairly technical and may be a stretch of my usual job role. So I'm on a phone call and feeling anxious because I am being directed to a job that basically moves me beyond my normal job hunt schedule: it's something more to do. As the phone call ends; I feel a little angst, but perhaps manageable.

2. I think to myself that recovering from depression and anxiety problems is not so much a matter of breaking free of it; but rather, learning, like a normal human being, how to cope. Learning not that life gets better by means of all your problems going away and going off in a swiss sunset living happily ever after; but that some problems still stay in your life and never go away; but in order to live happily we must accept it as part of our lives and thigns to deal with and cope with reasonably.

I may never stop being anxious, but I can get better at learning how to cope with it when it does happen.

Then It gets a little worse

3. Do you remember that arts job I just sent a followup email to? well; I didn't get it. Its not because they didn't like me. Apparently, I was too qualified and they wanted someone more 'junior' and 'ghetto' who would not have as much familiarity with the arts. They want some life swap channel 4 guy who has no background to make an interest intersting odd couple of a job.

The contrast, however; was not the specification that I suited. I was too cultured with my music background of singing tavener's 'lamb' at westminster cathederal; of writing programme notes on one of the local black 19thC composers in my area for my music recital; for writing essays on philosophical aesthetics and their relation to token works of sexual beauty. I'm a little angry, I'm a little disappointed. I'm a little anxious (for the reasons of 1-2) and its all a mix of feelings.

Perhaps its a token of recovery that I do not hide away and think its the end of the world after every missed oppurtunity. Today I woke up hoping for one job; knowing there is a prospect of another through the interview next week; and a further prospect of work experience with the police. This morning I had those three things to look for; and now there were two.

As I went back to the desk where the computer was, I paused my angst ridden polish black metal playing in my ears. Angst doesn't feel very good when you actually feel angst. I think that real angst sounds not like heavy metal, but a purer, more sophisticated form of sound; like schoenberg, or perhaps the most dissonant natural aura of them all: silence.

Silence judges you. Silence captures you. Silence is everything. Silence is nothing. Silence is the cold air of isolation and yet the stuffy odour of frustrated overactivity.

Silence is deafening; silence is healing. Silence is caring; silence is blind.

All roads lead to victoria

I am writing this blog post while I am in the REED office. I am hopefully likely to submit this to my blog later in the evening.

At the moment I am writing up emails that comprise mainly of maintaining contacts. I have emailed (at the suggestion of my advisor) to follow up my job application on friday; of the one that I had a 'good feeling' about. I am also replying to an interview request. They are asking for samples of my published work and they are suggesting I take a written test. I need to tell them that I have dyspraxia.

Oh, another email I need to send is to book time with the police. I'm probably the only brown guy to go in there that isnt' suspected of something; I feel like quite the uncle tom. Funny enough I have someone in my family called uncle tom, but I digress.

My interview; should I choose to accept it, is in Victoria. Victoria is a place that has a lot of memories for me. It's the place where I went to take a bus to my university town; its the place where I went 'home' from university.

Victoria has meant a lot of things to me. I went home from university feeling like an outcast, a loser, a reject. I came home feeling back as a part of something, a part of my old self; this could be comforting, it could also be infuriating. Infuriating because I would always be stuck in the past.

When I was in limbo year one; between 2008-2009 before I moved back home; I visited feeling a sense that I would soon return home permanently, and it was a housing tenancy that held me back. That tenancy was like a life support for my relationship with Antonia; it kept it alive, but also was the means to the end of my relationship (do you see what I did there? I used 'end' as an equivocal term).

I've regularly been to Victoria for interviews. A lot of the think tanks are above random shops like turkish coffee houses and bizarre asian run mobile phone shops. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why victoria has so many charities, NGOs and QUANGOs. I just dont know what it is. Victoria is SW1; it's similar to my home address postcode. That's awfully comforting. It is also near to the real centres of power and influence; the London that I came to love was the london I was not brought up in. This area is the london I grew up in: dark, bleak, unemployment, jeremy kyle like tragic figures.

I'm only a few wards away from Victoria. It's odd how London can change so much from economic and social desparation to the highest echelons of governmental control and decision making. Its the difference from a gang member who fucks girls and leaves the kid; to smart whitehall types with safe public sector pensions.

Victoria has a lot of meanings for me. It's weird to return to it. London is a strange mix of feelings and associations. It is odd to return to places that I have once been to as a different person; it makes me think: what person will I be now?

I guess one of the reasons I haven't blogged so much is that I'm so busy living a certain way of life that I am not doing much to 'capture' it. In a sense thats a good thing. Overthinking is a sign of depression. I hate that bloody word, but I have addressed a revised notion of the term in previous posts.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One hand has positives, the other has fat

It would be a lie to say that the past few weeks have been bad. I've felt a slow and steady lift in my mood. I'm not 'depressed' in the conventional sense. I feel a distinct sense of avoiding writing in this blog. I think because the action itself seems an effort; that action being the activity of introspection and stock taking.

I've kept busy these weeks, and past few days. Weekends seem to have regained their meaning as days of rest. I've discovered my limitations of reaching a maximally comfortable rate of activity after which my brain slows down and loses its ability to concentrate. I'm turning 'normal' again. I quite like it.

This weekend I got a tutoring commission to mark two essays, I charged £30. I got it done in about 4-5 hours and got paid swiftly. I expect the money in paypal any day now. I've sent off 5 job applications today which is a fairly positive achievement, considering that I felt very lethargic and exausted mentally when I was at REED. It doesn't help that some of the people depress me; there's a guy who doesn't know english, a guy who was born here but failed a city & guilds level 1 literacy test; a guy who is too small to admit he doesn't know something, and writes in CVs that he 'has experience with delegating' because the person specification wanted that, and then when asked to give an example he couldn't think of one; nor could he define delegate. He was a faker.

There is the girl who is an engaged cheating slut. The girl who makes jeremy kyle sound like radio 4, numerous fat girls with very dirty mouths and a whole lot of cockney geezers and rood bois. While I do attempt to sound out the noises outside of my head with the one inside that is pushing me forward; I really feel quite the drain, and enter a trance like state in order to power through the difficulties. It works to some degree.

This week I've felt that my job hunt has gone up a notch; its gotten more serious; more intense, and in myself I have matured and changed as a person as a result of this upping of the game. I've got a good feeling about the job that I applied to on friday; I was expecting to hear back but I did not hear back from them today. I got  an interview invitation to a political lobbying group for next week (YAY!) and I see this as the start. The REED guy said he's got a vacancy for a retail type role in one of the london museums and as each day passes; I get closer to knowing my PhD fate.

In short, my positives are: 5 job applications, 1 interview invite, £30 wired into my account soon, many more jobs to apply to and 4.91 miles jogged on saturday.

I ought to contact the police volunteer officer before wednesday or such to inform her of when I may go in. Im very happy of the positives that have come lately. I just wish I had more focus on my weight, namely, that I lost more of it. I'm sorry to end on such a bad note but if I had the slimmer body, i'll be that much happier

Saturday, May 15, 2010

takeaway the mistakes

I ate takeaway twice: last night at the chinese local, and this morning my mum came in with a friend and brought KFC, while I was making lunch. I had a portion of chips (there were 6 there, and two bits of chicken. After having two pork steaks as well, I thought to myself: fuck.

I'm going for a jog now, to rectify my foolishness. I'll do a once-around at the local common. The best thing about the common are the hot girls. Although I'm too fat and ethnic to be noticed by attractive women. That's exactly why I need to jog. I'll see how many 'K's I can manage.

Wish me luck, but if you are wishing on my PhD application; then just keep your wishes there. I took two laxatives just before I decided to jog; I hope that doesn't hinder me. I'll take my weight after my big liquidy shit

Friday, May 14, 2010

Get busy livin'

I hate starting a post with moaning about how I haven't posted in a while. One of the guys I knew in the ADC used to be like that and at the same time used to boast about his blog. I think the general rule of thumb is this: I post not so much because I'm busy with other things. Or I post when I procrastinate. It almost sounds like a lot of posts is an indivacor of poor productivity. I suppose the converse is true. I don't know if modus tollens applies in this case.

I went to the dentist today. Ouch. They said that they are going to refer me to the hospital to get my wisdom tooth removed. My HC1 exemption form reduced my dentist fee from £57 to £40. Good old NHS with their free healthcare. The sexy asian dentist gave me a tooth polish and the flouride remnants are over my shirt, despite the bib. A lot of blood came out of my mouth, and calcified plaque deposits. When the plaque has escaped my mouth, my teeth are a lot smaller. That's a bit scary methinks.

On the waiting room wait, I was called by a guy from REED; he told me of a job vacancy I could get into. It looks good if I'm honest. I might go for it. Who knows, maybe this is my step into a better world. It's minimum wage, and based in east london. Despite that, it is a job and it is involving an arts gallery/centre or something. It looks good.

Today, I also have my first session of volunteering on the front counter. I'm going to the police station near where my old school used to be. As such it is a place of much great warmth and memories of particular fondness. So I am in a touch of a hurry and decided to write this blog post before I started on my covering letter.

Today I feel a little self conscious about my body. I chatted to Antonia last night. Thus the 'trigger poem'. I fell asleep listening to glenn gould (at least, I think I was asleep I could not tell) and woke up to beethoven, or was it bach?

After 3pm I will have achieved about 3 tasks: dentist, volunteering and applying for a job that I may have a genuine chance in. Not bad for a day's 'work'. If I'm honest, life gives me lots of challenges but in recent weeks I've given myself a lot of positive things too. This week I applied to like 13 jobs, last week about 16 jobs; that makes 29 jobs overall in the past 13-14 or so days at least. That gives me 29 things to be proud of. Sure I got rejections; sure, I hate cold calling. But I do feel that I am making positive steps in my life and I feel like if I keep on this path perhaps I will have a little more to be proud of.

Things like triggers and my weight problems are still things that challenge and upset me, and they are issues I still need to work on. But I've definately rediscovered a positive side of me, a part of the 'old me' that i want to be present in the 'new' me.

I've got a lot set for myself this weekend; but I'll survive, and hopefully survive quite well.

Here's to a better future, here's to a better life

Here's to a better me.

trigger poem

i'm all alone.
in the silent room
the ambient fan
of my overworked computer
is the only companion I have

mia is beside me
as I am beside myself
i see remnants of friendships
lingering on as present ones

friends stay in contact
thats what good people do
but im not the same person
the person they made friends with

time changes people
for better and worse
for me the latter
in my life former
i was a different person

im so lonely
i have no one to hide behind
no 'thing' to be eccentric about
no face to crawl behind
in this room i am truly me
and I am restrained

perhap's that's self restraint
perhaps it is humility
perhaps the scream i long for has no place
it does not aid me at all

nor would two fingers
plunged deep into my throat
i only have myself
to blame, to hate
but most importantly, to live for

in the edge of sanity
on the border of destruction
it seems i am losing the fight
the seas batter the boat
but if i stay afloat
if i hold and not evacuate
i may find another sunny day
in which life shines again

for this I hope,
but for it I do not live for
for things may be worse still
and its better to be prepared for that

for now i go on,
there are lots of things i can do
it seems that i've planned ahead
for the next half month at least

life seems to be a struggle
and it is often a challenge
perhaps this is my test
to be a better person

i am more than clear of my flaws
i am sailing along despite them
i am realising a few more
and setting forth to go on

perhaps this is just a hitch
perhaps this is just a bump
in an otherwise difficult life
i just wish it rewarded

friends can be there for you and life can be good
but expect to be alone,
and things not working as it would
expect life not to be easy
expect life not to be fair
try to move forward despite this
and you will be stronger than wood

i know that i am different
perhaps its because of times like now
when mortal men suffer most
less painful times can chide them

if there is anything to be said for yourself
it is your resolve in difficult times past
if there is something to be said for now
it would be that same thing

as life goes on
as loves fly past
you are just not fitting in
or successful or happy
but one day it may change
and for that you must prepare
for when other empires end,
yours will be going steady

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The metadata of memories

I was meaning to write a post yesterday. I didn't manage to. After getting home I was suddenly exhausted and took a 4 hour nap. I think that tonight I will try to stay awake and not nap, when I do go to sleep I shall sleep earlier, and hopefully aim to wake up earlier.

Lately, I've gotten a lot of memories. Often specific memories have a layer below the event, almost like metadata on mp3 files. The metadata tends to be the recieved interpretation and reaction of that event. When I recall the time that the psychiatrist office put me on hold but I overheard their conversation on hold as they mentioned pretty mean things about me; I get a wave of emotion and overwhelming feelings identical to how I used to feel about it.

Why have I gotten these memories? Why do they keep popping up? Often, triggers seem to happen as a result of something that may give a reminder or resemblance of a past event which causes upset or some kind of distress.

When I was napping yesterday, I seemed to get very vivid and distressing nightmares. Combined with a distinct lack of energy, andfeeling fat; my mood has been challenging.

Today I have been upset. The guy at reed told me two things:

1. I've completed my 165 required hours
2. I can't go yet, I need to complete 192 hours; that makes a further 27 hours required.

The advisor said that I needed to do cold calling and he said he expected me to get a job by now. The advisor did not say this in a bad way but he said something seemed to be up because I've put a lot of effort in and there's been little return in the way of interview invites. The next few stages of the REED time will involve:

1. Make a list of 60 contacts to cold call
2. Prepare a script
3. Cold call
4. Further 'advice' to help me into a job.

I think that the advisor is trying to get me into a job and in a really aggressive way. I feel quite down and stressed and 'mia' is crawling behind my back from all of the disappointment and lack of sense of control that I have.

I tried with a great amount of effort and mental agony to make a list to cold call people. I got about 12 or so organisations. The goal was 30. I hate how my situation is. Even if I do get the PhD placement, I do not think that it will answer all of my problems. I feel like I am losing control.

I have two ways, as I see it, in which I can react.

1. Distressed perseverence, like the time back in september 2008 when I failed an MA essay and my heart shattered. I was so utterly distressed because Antonia was playing this polyamorous bullshit and was too busy with someone else.

2. Hide away in a state of depressed retreat

Maybe there's a third way. I see those two methods only as options because those are the ways I have reacted in the past. I am being challenged by life, and it is not easy. I feel challenged to the core of my being. My whole time at REED has enacted one challenge after another; some I've overcome with relative ease, others less easy. However, this present week promises very great challenges. I felt earlier today that the challenge was so great that I'd not be able to meet it.


Lets talk about positives. This weekend past I met up with friends. I also applied to a shitload of jobs. I also organised to start volunteering on friday. I bought some wax, laxatives, painkillers and allergy/hayfever medications today and on thursday I'll get some money pumped into my account.

I have a rejection to look for from belgium and a couple dozen possible positives from the job hunt front.

Somehow the positives dont seem so great. If my mood didn't change so radically today, I would have said that there was a part of me that was changing inside. A part of me was returning to the socially acceptable and work thirsty potential member of the industrial workforce, instead of a sense of awkward and flawed limbo.

I want to communicate to this blog that I am not always feeling down all the time. At the moment I feel a sense of distress that is more akin to the upset and frustration and lack of control that mia loves to get to me through.

I had mia on my back all of today. It has been hard to stave her away. I found great comfort in eating bacon rasher crisps from M&S. I wish that the M&S didn't close down near the house. It's a fucking budget clothes store now.

If I were thin I'd be happy.

Earlier I thought to myself something horrible. I thought to myself: I'd rather be thin than happy. I'm neither at the moment. If I purged myself to thinness I wouldn't make a loss.

I miss Antonia. I'm trying to get on with my life. Trying.

Friday, May 7, 2010

applying applying applying

I've seen myself through other people.

That's the virtue of being around others. The vice of being around others is the homogeneity of becoming like them; adopting their quirks, flaws and other such personality defects.

They see that I'm determined. They see that I'm eager. I dont make trouble. I don't challenge anyone. I don't get in anyone's way. I'm quiet.

But I'm determined. That's how they see me at the reed group. It feels like having a job; having somewhere to go, somewhere to go home from.

My parents presume i'm off to a police training day. I let them assume that by not confirming it. People can be so stupid.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Election day

Election day

Today was the election. It's been on my mind quite a lot. I may not have written very much about the election on this blog over the past few weeks; but it has weighed in heavy on my mind.

I have considered the place of what future governments may have on policy, economy, environment and education. It's scary how the world is so terrible right now, and an election is the only way to make a change.

Understandably, its a small and insignificant activity; but it is important. I voted lib dem. This morning; I wasn't sure who I was going to vote for, I suppose they call me a 'floating voter'.

I haven't posted much this week due to a distinct lack of energy when I get home from reed. I've not heard from any jobs or PhD application news, which brought me down a bit earlier this week.

Another thing that brought me down is my lack of control when it comes to food. I have been taking laxatives a great deal over the past week and it has really taken an aggressive impact on my body. I have a moment when I feel like I need to shit, and then 20 minutes after I feel that; I really need to shit.

This week something happened that I dreaded a lot. I met a guy at reed who I went to school with. This was a guy that I went to year 7 with; we spent 3 days in a room together, and he was a close friend. He used to play piano and taught me how to play a transliterated version of the 'moonlight sonata'. I didn't even know what it was back then. I quite looked up to what I saw as his superior musical ability.

Eventually I came to grow larger than his boots but the impression of awe, even an immature sense of awe; will immortally last in me. This was a young boy that I ahd a lot in common with and if things were a little different; would have been my best friend.

Now he's a long haired bum who drinks a great deal. He plays in some band with some other wasters and is long term unemployed. I'd despair at him, I do a little. I do feel sorry for him. I am sad that a former friend and an alumnus of jesuit school has done so badly and has been chewed up by the jaws of life.

What upsets me a little more is how similar my life is, despite all my fortunes and oppurtunities; despite my masters degree, despite my good grades and behaviour. I too am a waster. I can't boast, I'm just like him. Unemployed, long term. Struggling and hoping.

One day this sad tragedy of my life story will turn out to be better. I wont have to be a graduate with a masters degree from an elite university struggling to do a job that requires GCSE level intelligence. I've cast my vote, now I get on with the job search. I cant change the world as much as politicians can; but I'll do what I can.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Note to self: things that aren't part of civilised conversation

Note to self: etiquette dictates the following not to be objects of proper conversation, especially with new people:

1. My interest in academia
2. My PhD thesis
3. My interest in classical music and the nuances of Schoenberg and Chopin
4. My interest in black metal
5. My interest in bleakness
6. My interest in classical literature
7. My interest in sick internet videos or youtube nonsense

the google schedule

At the moment I am clearing up some tasks on my schedule. very often I go on the prospects graduate website and seek information and contacts. I then schedule more tasks (based on that contact list) to aid my job search. In parallel with that I go on to learn social skills and introspectively consider how to be a better person. Lots of my schedule is filled with tasks that appear as short, 30 minute activities (although they aren't 30 minutes they are represtned as such on the calendar).

Activities include:

1. Job search (job board)
2. researching an industry
3. Investigating a lead/vacancy list
4. Reading wikihow
5. Scheduled reading or download task
6. Encyclopaedia article
7. Scheduled watching of lecture series

And this is what my life mostly consists of.

Right now, I find contentment from it. Today I did about '6 hours' of reading tasks. That's 12 x 30 minute short recon tasks, which in turn has occupied the next two weeks full of contacts and leads from those tasks i've just investigated.

Do I sound organised? If i actually live to the schedule or move ahead of it; I am organised, if I have a low day and fall behind; its dangerous.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The past three days

The past three days have been a 'long' weekend from Reed; which I've seen a little bit of a mix of school, work, prison, purgatory, hell, and a work focussed training course for employment help.

On saturday, I managed to meet up with an old school friend who is doing very well. We went to a festival called the 'Camden Crawl' which is, in camden. We went to see lots of bands and some comedy. We saw a grime act, some ska, and other things that defy classification. It was a freakishly unfamiliar mix of ecclecticism and genre benders (they are like gender benders but musically speaking).

Yesterday (Sunday) I went to see Iron Man 2 with a friend, then went home. I wanted to see my brother at a gig; but I was too tired. I also was meant to go jogging. Did I also mention that the past weekend was raining a lot? Oh, well, it was, and I got wet.

Today we had a barbeque at the house; all of the family came over. It was fairly uneventful, in fact; I had a 4-5 hour nap after eating. I ate a shitload today, and it is simply, unnacceptable. I've also taken like 10 laxative pills today. Maybe they will cause weight loss; maybe not.

The questions I hate being asked reflect of the issues I'm most insecure about. I'm still unemployed, I'm still poor; I'm still single; I'm still living with my parents; and I'm still fat.

Needless to say, or perhaps I need to; Mia has come into my thoughts lately. The worst part of losing control of my eating is that I feel no control over my life. I feel all this bitter resentment and jealousy and negativity growing within me; and I just want to let go of it. I just want to get on with my life; apply to things, get lucky. Make a life for myself.

Is that too much to ask?

It is, it seems. I seem to be losing everything. My sanity is eroding as my weight goes up and my control goes down. It seems like Mia is the only sanity I have. No I haven't purged this weekend.

I feel like a failure.

I like a challenge, too.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

okay, okay, can I just say

I know that the last post was quite angry.

my frustration culminates in lots of things.

For now, my ebook reader works again. I needed to reformat and scan for memory errors. It's fixed now. Its working again.

For now, the band aid lasts for another day. Eventually, this band aid solution to life is going to falter. I need something real and tangible to hold on to.

if it aint broke; well it is...

I've had a growing catalogue of computer related problems. I feel that it all relates to one moment. All the technology I got was around the time I was doing a masters degree. Most of the stuff came from the government and they were good to pay me with disability technologies. Now said technologies are falling apart and fucking up. It is the lasting and enuduring failure symbolic of my MA stupidities. In short, I'm being reminded and taunted of my stupidity of chasing marie and dropped grades.

I feel today like a big and utter failure. My computer and e reader are both falling apart; my ex girlfriend is engaged, a guy who I absolutely envy has gotten a PhD offer (I mentioned this in a previous post) and here I am, using a two year old laptop bought with a disability grant that is falling apart and I am holding it together as it bursts at the seams. My friend has gotten a new life for himself as a researcher and scientist, and Marie's polyamorous friend who does nude photographies of herself is now a PhD scientist in cambridge.



and here I am, the pathetic loser. the one who has got what was coming to him, a big dose of humble pie; a big failure, a lot of disappointment, isolation, lonliness, regret, sorrow, suffering, pain, anger, and jealousy.

In this light; the beligian PhD is my only and perhaps last hope. Do you know what? I think, I'm pretty sure actually, that I'm not going to get in. I'm pretty sure because I did shit in my MA degree; my grades were mediocre, and there are probably other elite and great people who not only deserve the funding because they got the grades; but there are other research projects that aern't in obscure areas and will attract a lot more popularity and attention.


I know I'm supposed to be all positive and affirmative. but FUCK IT. I FEEL FUCKING HOPELESS AND ANGRY.