Friday, August 30, 2019

Dear Diary,

Lately I've been experiencing a lot of rumination type thoughts/feelings.

These are largely involuntary. The past echoing at me it seems.

Life's busy. Life's good in some ways. My career is basically...I'm working on things that will be in the history books, I genuinely believe that.

My personal life is need of improvement. my fitness too.

I realise that I really need to change things up if I want to seriously reduce my bodyfat. I'm keeping active but the issue is shifting the bodyfat and getting muscle, I need to be more serious

In other news, B told me that she's having a girl, the gender is confirmed after a scan. They are all happy about it, and so am i. It's suddenly more real and its really going to change their lives.

In other news: it's quiet at work. Eerily quiet. The calm before the storm.I can't believe september is here already. On the other hand, I've had a fairly active few weeks, I'm happy about that.

I'm feeling really tired today. I'm reminded of the line from Kipling's If: if you can give the unforgiving minute sixty seconds of distance run [...] yours is the earth and everything that's in it, and what's more, you'll be a man, my son.

I feel like I've done something like that. My minute is up for today. Until the next minute. I'm struggling to keep my head up.

Monday, August 19, 2019


  • I've done some good amount of socialising
  • My socialising has involved physical activity
  • I've taken some time off work lately. Taking advantage of my bosses not being around much
  • I'm not in the red financially. I should be saving more. That is to say, I could be saving more.


I asked the bosses for some time off this week.

The weekend was filled with lots of socialising. On Friday I went to do Axe Throwing, VR and we ate at a Japanese Restaurant.

On Saturday we went to the British Museum, Forbidden Planet, the Namco funscape Arcade and a Chinese restaurant.

It closed off by us going for a little walk around Whitehall.

My Friend Rich has been given a permanent contract. We are so happy for him. It's been a journey for him to get a job after his PhD. He lost his relationship after his PhD because his girlfriend said he wasn't assertive enough.

At the arcade we did a 3d simulation, played Halo,  did an escape room and failed. We went to a market with lots of food stalls after and went to a dessert restaurant to finish it up.

It' s been a good weekend. I'm doing all the catch up now.

All I need to do now is the logging for the past few days and tomorrow is another day.

I feel bad about Sunday: i missed the gym on Sunday, in addition to that, I slept for much of the daytime.

It was raining outside and I felt the encroachment of winter coming. It made me feel depressed. It made me ruminate.

I've had a good summer. The memories are always still there of the past. It's challenging to live the present

Monday, August 12, 2019

About 20 minutes ago I had an idea.

I've been watching the channel 4 show 'This way up'.

I realised that at 1:20 or so in the morning. I am fully in myself and with myself. I am fully on my own and with my own thoughts.

So, what did I think? I thought about how I avoid this so much: I avoid being with my real thoughts and fears. I have a routine that helps me be a normal functioning human being. While that's necessary, I'm isolated from my own ends (intentions).

I looked around my room and I realised the finitude of time, my time, and my life. I decided on the spot to get rid of 20 books. I ended up getting rid of 23. As I was going through the books. I realised that each book I took from work (I get freebie publishing books cos I work in a newspaper) had an intention for me to read them. They each represented some form of self learning and self improvement.

I decided there are a core of books I really need to keep, and the rest, I can dispose of.

I then saw that there are some ties on my wardrobe handle. They represent a time when I believed that I needed to hae immediately accessible ties and bow ties. One of the ties was the company tie for Shambly arena. I realised: I'm never going to work there again, so why bother having that on the handle of my wardrobe. I also thought about the frequency in which I wear suits. I am not in a suit-y mood anymore at this stage in life.

Don't get me wrong, I have a default smart outfit and it's like a psyche I have. But I'm not that person right now and until I need it, I don't need those ties and suits out on display for immediate drawing to wear them.

I have a tie rack inside my wardrobe. I properly held the ties in the tie rack now. That's the grown up thing I suppose. I also got rid of 20 books (at 1:30) in the summer coldness outside.

It's not the latest I've been outside, but the quiet made it feel late.

I'm letting go. I have been holding on to things, and I realise I'm holding on to more things that I need to eventually let go of.

I need to let go of a certain selfhood.

I need to accept change.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

When I was 17 I began to find a new part of myself: I became smart. I was never good in school. By the time GCSEs came about, I was middling-average - about good enough to do A levels (5 As-Cs). When I did 'A' Levels, I started to get 100% in exams.

It became a part of my identity, and it didn't last after the first year of university.

(Just suddenly writing that has made me distressed - I originally had a post that I was going to write about but now I'm not sure I want to write about it. I'll try anyway)

I'm thinking about that because earlier today I've been having some flashbacks. When I am training in the gym, if I push myself a certain amount of intensity, my mind goes inside itself. I wonder if it's some kind of psychological/evolutionary thing. My mind starts to ruminate or go to dark places.

I had a memory.

It was 2004. October I think. Just before week 1 of university's first year first semester and so forth. Michaelmas or some shit.

I was wearing my brother's hooded top. It was brown like a jumper (no zip and a monk like hood. I wore it as a form of comfort as I didn't really feel like a grown up in this unfamiliar new world. Having something of his felt like a sense of continuity.

Anyway I was wearing it, feeling monk like in the big university hall and it felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I was full of hope.

An odd memory. But when I think about it, I think about how in my present life I can react differently to it. I think about how I was destined for greater things. For many years after that, my life felt like disappointment. But in the past few years, I'm doing work in a place that really impacts on the world. Not only that. I'm permanent staff.