Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Dear Diary,


Got up today, I'm prepping for New Years Eve. I also just put together my last weekly report on my resolutions for 2013. So begins the new document and new targets for this coming 2014


Brother and his gf are downstairs. I'm going to have mulled wine with them and then get ready for later.

Monday, December 30, 2013

dear diary,


something upset me.


at CBT i was in the waiting room and I read this thing about abuse. it was written in a very understandable way. The pictures were child like and the english was written in a very simple way. It upset me


Then the CBT session upset me. I talked about some worries I have. It went really deep into my psyche, I felt vulnerable and I realised how much I am hurting inside.

  • Things I did last weekend:



  • Body pump
  • Blogging
  • Watching Marvel and agents of shield
  • went out
  • cinema
  • Job application



  • Jamming
  • Met up with Uni friend who has PhD
  • Met up with old college boys
  • Shopping in kingston
  • Jamming


Did a lot of walking. Kind of mentally drained now.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

So today I focussed my attentions on getting shit done. As it happens, I did fairly well.


If I did that more often I'd be in a good place in life. 


Christmas is two holiday days, and I've already had them. Today was a desk day and I made it work. I was thinking to myself about that whole thing about when people say they have to do stuff and they always say how mucht hey have to do, but how much do you see them acting more than talking. Today was one of those days in which I just got on with it. It felt good.


So, a list of things I've done:

  • Annual review of tasks - new years resolutions 2013
  • Set up new years resolutions for 2014
  • Read 2 chapters of book review title
  • (this counts as two)
  • Course searching
  • Archiving
  • Gym
  • Watching Marvel: Agents of Shield while I was
  • ...doing non priority tasks

So that's a 9-activity day. Not bad. I've still got it. 


Hope tomorrow is just as good.



I better go to bed.


Friday, December 27, 2013

I'm doing a review of the 2013 year of my tasks and targets. Apparently in march it says I started the process of seeking out CBT help in March - a long time ago.

...I should say that however tomorrow is another day, and another burden. 


It matters not for now. I did my bit for Friday.

A friend from the community garden once gave the phrase (I can't remember who she attributed it to): swallow an egg every day.


It sounds like some early 20th century reference, as in swallowing an egg whole, with the shell raw. It's a symbolic reference to doing something uncomfortable, and then being able to relax.


I remember in my anxiety days I lived in utter and constant discomfort. I knew that in order to get by, I had to swallow an egg. In those days I was the strongest I've ever been, exactly because I persevered in extreme mental and physical pain. 


I owe it to that person I used to be, to swallow an egg every day. I owe it to myself in the present and future, to push myself and do the things I don't want to do, and go to the uncomfortable places that I'd much rather avoid in order to better myself. When my anxiety was at its worst, I couldn't even think about the next week without getting a panic attack, I just about managed to think about today and tomorrow, and I had a vague idea of the day after tomorrow.


Swallow an egg. I think back then it meant going to university, doing the lectures and reading books/writing essays. Now it means something different. I'm still trying to work out what the equivalent of swallowing an egg means for today. I think that today I did it successfully

Boxing day in a stupour. All things considered, I got a fair bit done. I managed to do some reading, catch up on feedly and readability. I managed to do some job searching, I did some archiving, I had some family visiting as well today. I'm glad I'm it has passed. I've eaten a fair bit but not a huge amount. I still need to think about the Gym and calories. I might do a session tomorrow. I have lots to do over the next few days. I did the minor tasks that fill up as icing on the cake. 


On reflection this christmas has been alright, nice presents, my situation is better than it was last year, which is at minimal, an improvement. Presents weren't too bad either.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Dear diary,


So its christmas day. I'm not feeling it. I gave presents to people, and I ate a bit. I ate a lot today, but compared to tomorrow it's the dress rehearsal. I'm feeling kind of numb today. 


Something fucking annoyed me today. My dad said he got a free antivirus software registered for 5 PC's and I downloaded it but it was absolutely shit because of some code and registry issues, it relied on windows defender/firewall which has been completely stripped of functionality by the previous software i installed on it. Long story short, I just bit the bullet and bought a new firewall and virus software. I can't be doing with this dallying about. That wasted about 7 hours of my day plus the headache of how my dad doesn't want to put any effort in to anything. 


I'm feeling a bit shit right now. I am feeling numb. This isn't as bad as other christmases, but its more lukewarm, like a bath that isn't cold but not exactly comfortable either. It's dull. Kinda like how I felt on antidepressants. 


I'm gonna try and sleep, or something.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

p.s. i havent' showered or shaved for at least 3-4 days.



Introducing Hunter

I keep a 'bible' of names to keep up with who I've mentioned and who their real names on the blog. The girl I went on a date with, I shall call Hunter


Hunter and I chat a lot on facebook. Hunter has a history with depression, but she's doing loads better now. Hunter is starting a job soon and she's non-monogamous (I almost said polyamorous!). 


Hunter and I chat a lot, and I have feelings for her. I kind of feel like we are in a very real sort of relationship, but its not like a socially sanctioned relationship. We started chatting on fetlife, we met up in person and we support each other online all the time. Hunter makes me blush and she sees all the good in me. I'm starting to show her the 'bad' side of me. I told her for instance that I took a shit in a public place out of anger earlier this week. Hunter was angry at me, but at least I told her something about me being real, authentically angry and showing the dark side to myself. 


I saw Kate Nash play a gig this week, she was inspiring, she had a message for all of the young girls in the audience, to be who you are and do whatever you want. People will put down girls (especially young girls) because they seem stupid or such by the rest of the world, and thats exactly why they should stand up for themselves and not give a fuck. The other bands who played before were really good. There was an asshole fellow next to me who was heckling the performers, I wanted to knock him the fuck out, but I think he was autistic or something - I genuinely don't think he was intentionally being malicious but unaware of his socially breaching behaviour. I cannot be the guy who beats up someone for having learning disabilities - not me of all people. He did piss me off. 


Hunter is making me admit things, particularly that I have a problem with food. I have a problem with food lately, I also have a problem with anger. Bother are related to my other thoughts. I'm 27 and going fucking nowhere in life. I did some high profile job applications this month and had a few interviews that went nowhere this year. I have no prospects and Im working 2 part time jobs that do not equal a full time job. I felt realyl down in the dumps and the only outlets I have are the gym and food. I am not wanking so much these days, perhaps because of my schedule and perhaps of the changes that affected me when my laptop died. I wank with my tablet computer and its pretty good, but I don't wank with the frequency that I used to. I wank maybe just under once a day. I guess you could say I have too much in my day. I feel like sleep is more a useful application of my efforts than wanking.


Saturday morning I went for body pump, found out that the class was full, so I optioned for gym, then I found that I forgot my fucking shorts. I went to the public library and I kinda felt - humbled. I remember the last time I was in the public library my wifi died and I needed a new place to go to check my emails. I saw all these books in the library, many about self help, many about being empowered about yourself, many about issues people have, eating disorders, self harm, racial discrimination, aspergers, dyslexia (none on dyspraxia). I saw access level course books, books on blogging, all sorts of self-help books. 


I felt like I was transported to another world, another mindset. In my normal mind I always have to be the best or read thep rimary source or be on some cutting edge. In that library I was 17 again, reading introductory books and books for general audience. I kinda felt normal I felt like I never went to university and almost as if I still had hope


Hope is something I don't have at the moment. I'm reminded of a quote from the TV show Oz. Said says to a prisoner about to return to the real world: "hope is a waking dream", Poet, who is leaving asks: who said that, Mohammed? (as Said is a very visible Muslim in the series). Said replies: Aristotle.There was an air of optimism and openness with that surprising attribution from Said. Poet then replies: well, that motherfucka aint never been to Oz. Oz is a prison with horrible things happening. 


I'm not doing so well right now. 

I'm trying new methods and techniques to try and help me, I'm looking at mindfulness, I'm looking at timing myself, and trying not to multitask, im also trying not to be distracted. 


not doing so well with the overeating thing. Fuck the pizza i had last night was delish. I am doing quite badly with control - I ate 2 christmas presents of chocolates

Friday, December 20, 2013

dear diary,

things I did on thursday:

  • felt exhausted - afternoon gone
  • christmas shopping -mostly packaging
  • body combat class (last one of the year)
  • bought clothes - inc. nice marvel comics t shirt
  • GP appt
  • Booked another GP Appt
  • Job Search
  • Sent 6 applications


Something I'm doing lately is a 'time trial' sort of thing, where I set a timer for tasks which gives me the impression of feeling in a rush, and stresses the importance of my task. 


I'm also thinking a bit about mindfulness. I spent about an hour watching 'jesuit conspiracy theories' on youtube - why? just because I was procrasturbating. Got to be more mindful of my priorities, and not look at machinima/IGN pop culture youtube videos. 


Also I ate a fuckton today. I love my new protein powder, which I shall refer to henceforth as 'my steroids'. 


nearly 4am. better go to bed. I'm playing my DSBM playlist and will wake up to some nice suicidal black metal.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

got back from GP appointment, booked another one. not feeling very happy about it. Will be trying to book a referral to a specialist for the aspergers assessment. Got a distinct vibe that the GP wasn't interested. Upset. 


Not sure how to deal with upset. I want to hurt myself, I don't have any other ways of expressing myself. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dear Diary,


I'm not feeling so well today.


That is all i can say, for now.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Every 2 weeks I set myself a task to write some prose. Write about anything. I usually write about how I'm feeling. I wrote something that I chose not to put up on here. I am starting to think about mindfulness as choosing how we feel and what to focus on. 

Right now I'm choosing to focus on downloads and my schedule.

my bit in the guardian

did I mention that I wrote this


So I thought I'd reveal that the 'M' is for Martin. 

dear diary,


I am pooing a lot. I wonder if it is all that weetabix I ate over the past few days.


Unrelated feeling: I am runningout of hope. I'm running out of me. 

dear diary,


I am feeling angry, depressed and isolated. I don't have people to talk to about this, and the people that I do have I'm seemingly pushing away with my vulgar behaviour. I suppose if I am honest I deserve that. How easy it is to turn from a victim into a thug. I express all that vulgarity to express how much I am hurting inside. I'm also overeating. I'm calculating my calories and its going in excess of 5000kcal. I'm starting to feel 'mia' again, the dark side of me. I could fight that side of me, but I don't see any point...don't have many reasons to get out of bed. 

All I have is my rage and the gym.

dear diary,


I've not done enough today. I woke up early, but some things got in my way and im not sure where my head has been. I made a decision/forgot my oyster card so I walked to hospital, I overall walked about 7 miles today, instead of busing everywhere. Today is one of my so-called off days, every day is an off day in my life working two part time jobs. 


At CBT we discussed a few things. Firstly we talked about the last anxiety situation I was in when I was working at the Sentinel news desk. We talked about the way I had to approach things, and she tried being all 'CBT' and trying to question the movitations and thoughts that I had in my head that caused anxiety, and I replied to say that there weren't so much feelings but it was the situation itself that was anxiety, then she tried probing further to ask: is it necessary to do x,y,z and I replied: yes cos it was my fucking job. I'm not sure how helpful CBT is when you are actually in high pressure and unavoidable situations, what if I have anxiety because my life and job are genuinely challenging situations? What do I fucking do about that? She suggested progressive muscle relaxation, I said it helps me realise how my body is disproportionately balanced and I feel more pain on my right side than my left, and that's probably more about the way I train and I am left hand dominant, plus I have issues with gait and a fall a couple weeks ago, so being aware of my body doesn't help my anxiety too much.


The actual helpful (and second) thing we talked about was mindfulness. I addressed how I had an issue with concentration and focussing on tasks when I have so many other thinsg building up in my mind and my life. The more things build up the less I'm able to cope with anything, and everything. Therapist introduced mindfulness as being in the moment and that entails: being aware of but phasing out attention to the past, the future and other things in the present, and just focussing on whatever it is I'm choosing to focus on. Something kind of clicked, it sort of reminded me about Buddhism and I actually felt that might be something I can look into. I felt very vulnerable today. I might look more into this mindfulness malarky. I am also looking into 'timing' my tasks to aid productivity. I have set 1 or 2 hour timers on my tablet as a way to make me feel in a rush and being in a rush motivates me to get to the finish line with more achieved. I am in fact typing with the stopwatch on right now as it happens. 


I also vandalised the hospital today, I expressed my contempt and rage at certain doctors and nurses who mistreated me. I am a janus faced cunt, acting all nice and vulnerable but deep down I'm a rage monster. I'm feeling very angry lately, a mix of lots of things, feeling unsuccessful in life and doing nothing about it. My feelings have no discernable form of resolution. All I have is my rage and the gym. The third thing we talked about was how to take the Aspergers assessment further, doctor said something about allocating funding for me to see the 'genetic unit' or something like that. I want it to be taken forward by occupational therapists. I had good experience with occupational therapists in the past. 


All this childhood memory stuff is grating at me. I'm thinking about my uni memories lately as well..and most of them are not good. I used to be fat and miserable, now I'm just slightly tubby and miserable.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Friday and Saturday - summarising


  • Went to friend's birthday drinks
  • Read 3 chapters of anthology
  • Email Catchup
  • Recieved oyster card
  • Fatigue



  • Fatigue
  • Body Combat
  • Body attack
  • Purple schema tasks
  • Applied for cashback
  • I got an article published in the Guardian (yes really)


Was facing a few demons at the ym today in my head;. I feel like those demons beat me. I was watching a youtube channel last night about a guy who lives as a shut-in, and he said that the bad stuff never goes away. I admire how real he was in saying that, no plattitudes saying its going to get better. He talked about his suicidal tendencies



Friday, December 13, 2013

A review of Thursday:


  • Paid in from shambly
  • archiving
  • Audiobook catchup
  • Bought christmas gifts
  • Bought Loake shoes
  • Bought protein powder
  • Received USB sticks
  • Saw gig after gym
  • Body combat
  • Body Attack



i.e. a lot. 

Dear Diary,


did a big shop today. spent a fuckload of money. Not too happy about that. 


I got some new powder, it has creatine and other shit. What was weird was that, the woman said it was £60, but if i got a 'gold card' (cost £4) I can get it for £48. Then she said as I was about to buy it, that if I bought a shirt and a shaker with it, it will cost £44 and I was like wtf...then, okay, sure.


I felt really good with that powder, it was like euphoria. It didn't make my brain feel a certain way, it made my body feel full of energy, and that energy translated in my mind with hope and potential for change, and that made me feel happy. 


I have a habit of getting up late lately, from sleeping late. I really should go to bed. I got a few more tasks to finish then I'm off to bed. I'm all spacey today. I felt really good at the gym today, I felt this sense of energy and 'thrust' (want of a better word), and I lasted 2 hours at the gym. 


After gym I saw there was a choir performing at the local pub, so I went in, bought a ginger beer and sat at the table to watch some nice people sing. It felt good, I liked doing something new, I liked combating my anxiety.


I got a shit load of fuck to do tomorrow. I better get it done quickly cos later on in the evening I am supposedly going out to see a friend.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dear Diary,


Had the last day of work today.


Thinking about money a bit more, and worrying. I'm thinking about Christmas presents and spending. 


Mum says its okay not to get presents for people. My sister knows that I'm working in a shit job(s) and she's a big successful banker/lawyer type. 


Had a long wank just now. I feel kidna in a daze now. I just want to look for snacks. 


So thursday today. That means the great and the good of gym work - might go for the infamous triple session. 


Lots of things to do today. Thursday, this day is the first in a long run. It's my first proper 'desk day' in the sense that I have 100% no fixed obligations so its all on my watch and my control.


Better sleep now. Or eat.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

two body issues

  1. Lately a couple of people have commented that I lost weight. I usually brush it off. But they say it as a compliment. I find it hurtful that anyone feels its relevant to comment on my body, ironically I spend so much time keeping fit because I want to change the person in front of the mirror.  - but I do it for me, not them
  2. I have had a few upsets with my body lately, my shoulder is acting up on the right side, and also my knee is still giving me trouble, plus I've had throat issues. However in context to compare with the stomach flu and being all flemmy a couple of mornings ago, its really no big deal and I can just jog on 

So today is the last day of work for a long while...I'm a bit scared. On the other hand I will technically have more time to do shit. This reminds me of august all over again. I still feel I haven't gotten over that horrible august situation.

An update on the aspergers thing

So, the doctor says there isn't enough evidence to say I have aspergers. But does that Mean I have aspergers? not sure - does it mean I don't have aspergers? again - not sure. 


I'm going to talk to the GP about this, and give him  them a big fucking dossier. 



It's weighing heavy on my head at the moment. Imagine knowing you might have autism, that would affect the way you see your life, your past, and your prospects. Do I have it or don't I? fuck. 

did some christmas shopping today. I'm trying to be focussed and avoid procrasturbating. I had a wank last night, and I stayed up for hours. I almost feel like (maybe thisis my late 20s self talking) if I wanked less I'd get more done, I feel like denying my wanking urges feels like a heresy, like how people don't drink alcohol in pubs - however I don't drink much these days when I got out, so I guess I'm already an heretic. I'm going out this friday, I must think about not drinking. 


I am also thinking about Christmas presents which do not involve 'buying'. I have a lot of family and that means lots of gifts. I have 'secured' a few gifts that are low cost but are also nice enough to be gifts. I've got to get ready for work now...



so do you want that bridge out of wood or concrete?

I'm looking at shifts over January, and I see one on tuesday, I was thinking to myself maybe i  should skip tuesdays as I have badminton at that time. Then I saw about 5 graduation ceremonies and thought to myself: so where was that tuesday? 


I laughed to myself because I was reminded of that paul mooney joke where a man asks a genie to build a bridge from africa to the USA, and then the genie says that's impossible, then the guy asks for peace between all races, and the genie asks: so do you want that bridge out of wood or concrete? 



Dear Diary,


I've been thinking in a focussed way about the stuff haunting my mind, instead of thinking: ugh, I've got so much to do (undefined) and I really dont want to do it, let me just go around the minor stuff instead - then I end up not getting much done at all.


Today I just dived into it in a controlled way. So I had a think about the following:


  • Christmas
  • Job search
  • Searching for brogues
  • The next few days

These are defined explicitly, rather than just vague items. I made a christmas list and bought some items, and I've narrowed my shoe list down to two.


Here's what I've done today:


  • Read 2 chapters of book review book
  • Badminton
  • Job search
  • Bought christmas presents (5-6 to be precise)
  • Watched Mandela's funeral
  • Some planning for christmas and the next few days.

I better get to bed now. I might eat something first.






Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Things I've done today:


  • Got up at 10am
  • Read 2 chapters of book review book
  • Job Searching
  • Watching Mandela's funeral
  • Reading a pamphlet from local politician about work experience

Monday, December 9, 2013

dear diary,


i'm feeling very unwell today and unwell right now. 


I'll just summarise what happened today:


  • Book review reading
  • CBT appt -where I felt very ill
  • walking
  • Cardio
  • Garden meeting
  • Fatigue

Sunday, December 8, 2013

a review of the week

This week Nelson Mandela died

Paul Walker died first.

I was sad about that.


Not much else happened in the week

I saw a great gig

I cut my leg on the way home

Tripped on the tube


I got 2 days of work.

One event, where I got 4 notebooks

Another day, working at the sunday sentinel


Lots of things going on in the world.

Not much in my life.


I’m feeling ill again


I’ve got to keep fighting


Saturday, December 7, 2013

Things I've done today:

  • Worked for a day
  • Fatigued/felt ill
  • Caught up on readability
  • Caught up on book review book

...that's it. I'm feeling a bit tired now.


Might wank and sleep. Kinda thinking about Phrygia at work, she is so cute and dreamy, lovely pedestal abstraction of a girl.

Dear Diary,


Got home. I am feeling a bit low. Work was really boring today. Not much went on. I took some calls, that's about it. I asked the administrator to sign my timesheet and she herself was doing crosswords and puzzles and playing some flash games on her computer. 


I saw my former colleague on the other side of the floor. She's so dreamy, she's got lovely hair and big black rimmed glasses and she's friendly and pixie like. Definitely pedestal vision with her. Phrygia told me that her manager (and for a whiel my manager) is leaving. The first thing I thought was, oh, that's sad. But then I heard she's off to australia to recooperate. I think she's had enough of London life, I think she's had enough of wanky pestering sports journalists. 


I am tired as fuck right now. My parents aren't home today. Thinking about what to eat. Maybe I should stick to the basics of keeping house. I have so much to do. 

things I did on friday

  • Book review reading
  • booked GP appt
  • Email catchup
  • Re-organised schedule
  • Sent off Ebay item
  • Shift at Shambly

I also got lots of free shit at work, and I think a woman flirted with me at work. I was bemused. I gatta get up at 7am, so I'm off to bed now.


NI NI - today went better than I hoped for. However Saturday is anothter day.

Friday, December 6, 2013

I'm going to send off an email then get ready for work.

Notes for next CBT Session

In CBT we've been talking about aspects of my life that cause anxiety and issues. One issue we talked about was a reliance on routine, and the impact that a disturbed routine can have. Another aspect we talked about was challenging certain thoughts that might be disabling. 


I have been thinking about procrastination. The therapist asked to consider procrastination. For me, procrastination can be a source of anxiety on the basis that I put things off so much it seems bigger in my head the things I need to do and makes me feel immobilised. 


I've got about 12 PhD scholarships I need to look into. I also need to look into the whole teaching options. I'm getting upset lately. I am dealing witha complicated, nuanced and social/economic circumstance that doesn't always involve anything I can control. A level headed approach is key. However, various things have upset me and trigger upset issues for me. This makes me feel very unhappy and not level headed at all. It also makes me feel so upset that I don't want to face the world, and I end up feeling quite tired, that plus the cold makes it harder for me to be motivated to do anything.


I find this stuff hard to talk about. In my mind I'm thinking about how little I've done in my life, and how much of this is my fault. So I try to think to myself: start today and do some shit! But then I think/feel to myself - there's no point. 


I'm feeling quite low at the moment. When I used to feel this low I let my problems bury themselves over me. At the moment that is starting to pile up. There's a big pile of receipts that need doing and doing the laundry and cooking feels like a massive emotional chore. I'm using Google Keep to try and keep my concentration. I am having a lot of problems with concentration at the moment. I need to talk to my therapist about this next monday. I use Google Keep to make even the most menial of tasks possible - so I don't forget. If there's something I need to remember doing, I write it down and look at the list, and do it. Then I write other things, see other things and try working that way. Otherwise I'd get distracted by some other shit. There's too much shit going on. I think that I need to cut some things out in my life. I need to do less of my rituals I think.


I am starting to change some of my rituals recently, with the onset of my new tablet computer. The tablet makes certain things really really easy and efficient, like catching up on blogs. 


I'm going to make a list of the 5 top worries I have:


  • Job situation
  • Money 
  • Christmas
  • Self-motivation
  • Health

All of these things I see as related - all of them require me getting a decent job, all of them involve money, all of them are issues of self-motivation, all of them are health-realted issues, and christmas affects all of these thigns.



I need help. 

Dear Diary,


I thnk that when I have less to do I feel more tired and less motivation to do the things that I have to do (as small the tasks they are).


I don't have my head on lately. I have to use to do lists and follow them mindlessly. Obviously I dont have a head of my own lately .I just want to wank and space out. I have lost my sense of motivation (again) after the recent interview with the Sentinel.


So I'm working tonight, and tomorrow. My lower back feels like shit, my knee is all cut up from tuesday and my thighs are blown out after doing that intensive workout on Wednesday, doing like 100 each of lunges and squats. 


I'm working at the Sunday Sentinel tomorrow, its probably going to be Mandela Mandela Mandela 


I've got shit to get on with now. Wish me luck. I feel so tired.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Dear Diary,


Sometimes I write on here. I write about things that I think I should talk about, and things that I want to talk about. This will be about the latter.


I saw this: http://uk.creative.com/p/mp3player/zen-x-fi3?utm_source=eDialog&utm_medium=Mailer&utm_campaign=Mailer_uk_051213


I really want it. I need to retire my old mp3 player - its one of the physical relics that I own since the 'dark days' - Its sort of working, but I want it to disappear from my life. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dear Diary,


Saw amazing gig last night. It was so intense I feel like something broke inside of me. Kind a reminds me of...actually something I dont want to talk about right now.

So today I'm catching up on stuff. I'll call it 'non priority catchup' and email catchup.


I have troubles with keeping attention so I need to focus on stuff using Google Keep. 


It's helping a bit. I've got so much to do its a problem keeping it all on track.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

So every month I do a report of my activities over those 30 or so days. This month hasn't been the best, but not the worst either. Had an interview, spent a lot of money, and I suppose other things happened too. 


I am worried about money. Money enables me to move out of where I'm living. Money enables me to have a life. Money enables me to be independent from my disability and mental health issues. 


Today I've been ruminating on the past a bit. I'm remembering Bristol a lot. I remember Whiteladies road and walking down it, and that road has no good memories for me. I remember Natalya the cute girl I knew who I possibly could have had a thing with, if I weren't thinking about other girls at the time. Natalya is with Barnabus now, apparently. 


My libido is back. Evidence of this is having a lot of wanks. I'm using the pillow method again as my tablet computer enables me. I am however trying to do it the normal way as well. I got feedback from the interview last monday. Trying not to read it. I bought a bag of frozen fruit from sainsburys, part of the basics range. It's making my skin flare up. 


Tomorrow I am thinking about going to the gym early, and doing some cardio. Particularly thinking about doing some reading while I'm on the elliptical. Did a double session this monday just finished. I did an hour on the elliptical, and then the body combat. I've been using myfitness pal lately. It's quite a good app. I realise that Im eating a lot of shit. 


Tomorrow I'm seeing one of my favouritist bands in the world. I might have more news on the dating-girls front. However, if I am broke as fuck, does it really matter? 


so the official summary of my day:


  • Book review reading x3
  • -
  • -
  • Cardio
  • Body combat
  • Received 1 day assignment at Sentinel on Sunday news desk
  • community garden stuff
  • CBT appt

This counts as 8 things I did today. Not bad, considering that I wanked myself about 5 times through the day. There's a big pile of tissues that I should dispose of.


I'm really itchy as fuck. Better go to bed now.



Monday, December 2, 2013


Dear Diary,


To paraphrase Camus - a long time has passed and yet it feels like no time has passed at all. 

I got a 1 day assignment at the Sunday Sentinel. Something I've done before. This will get me paid over January-Febuary, which is very welcome as that is the 'quiet' period of the working calendar for events, plus I have no work for the forseeable future beyond events. 


So, what do I have to do today? There's probably a list. There's always a fucking list. Got up late today, I should have breakfast. I want to have a wank. I have my libido back. I need to think about Christmas. Fuck, so much going on and yet its so quiet today.


I've got to busy myself as if it's a busy day. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Dear Diary,


I have minor obsessions that might make me think I'm autistic, recent behaviours:


  • Archiving my photos and videos - tagging them
  • Collecting salt packages and tissues from fast food shops
  • collecting coffee stirrers and using them as some kind of counter



I've been reading on moodgym about using 'counters' to help with bad thoughts and anxiety. Perhaps I'll use the salt packages as a symbol for anxiety or depression?


Feeling pretty depressed lately. That interview rejection hit me personally. I've got to get back on the horse. As usual.

I hate nightwish

Dear Diary,


I hate the band Nightwish. I used to like them but I feel like an ex girlfriend, they remind me of everything I hate about myself. 



Saturday, November 30, 2013

Dear Diary,


I feel less confident right now. I feel a little bit defeated. I feel a little bit afraid - I want to hide away from things. 


Spent a lot of today sleeping. I did however catch up on an audiobook in some of that time. 


I'm feeling really slow right now. I'm not feeling so hot right now. Maybe I'll feel tomorrow. Probably not.

I'm doing the moodgym at the moment. Read soemthing called mental biofeedback - where you keep a log or counter of things that eat away at you. that's sort of what I do on this blog...except I sometimes talk about good things too.


I've felt really tired today. I just have no energy. Didn't go to the gym. Didn't do anything. Just felt miserable. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Dear Diary,


I've been thinking about the amount of money i've spent on my clothes. I've almost wholesale updated my smart and smart/casual/going out inventory. 


I've thought about this issue when I had an eating disoder, of trying to change my clothes and have a kind of thematic unity to them that captures who I am. I used to think I would be all about gap tight t shirts and cord trousers for the rest of my life. However I think I've changed since then. Not by that much, but the change is subtle and it is for me, very much there. 


I have been wearing my new backpack around lately, its a bit smaller than my usual backpacks, plus itsp robably the first backpack or piece of luggage I've bought since 2009. I need clothes to define me, I suppose because I feel so identity-less in the world. Also, I love how a nicely cut shirt fits my body. I feel good! 



Today is another day.

Dear Diary,


My bowel movements are a bit funny lately, I've still got a dicky tummy, but I am able to do the gym and my appetite is back. My libido is not what it was though. I've got an extra shift at work tomorrow, its a long one, 13 hours. That's almost the equivalent of what shifts I had last week in hours - so maybe that's my way to make up for lost time last week. 


I started using my fitness pal lately, I found out that I ate nearly 8000 calories last night. Fuck. I did other things yesterday, I'm trying to catch up on my book review. I am also trying not to think about that job interview on monday. I had a job interview at the Sentinel, dont know if i mentioned that. Its for a PT role, except for that its not a bad role. Executive assistant/dogsbody. 


I'm working on a graduation tomorrow at Shambly. Something fucked up happened earlier this month. Someone at Shambly (a contractor) blabbed about one of our events and it made my bosses very angry. It made me feel really bad and insecure as well because, they wrote for the Sentinel. I can't be seen working for another job that is criticising where I worked for 3 years. 


I am back to normal again, whatever normal means. I should think about getting ready for work. I don't need breakfast as such today, I ate a fuckload earlier in the morning. I had a nice wank this morning too - tablet computer is a lifesaver for wanking purposes. 


In other news: I am aware that I am posting in a different frequency lately. I guess writing on this blog has taken on a different meaning for me lately. I've had more thoughts about getting things done and trying to move ahead, thinking about the future. 


I think my mindset has definitely changed to previous times: I am looking to the future, I am hoping more. I feel like I've survived the worst of November's memories. You know what? I also think those memories can't hurt me as much anymore. I'm much stronger now. I just wish I was physically stronger lately. I lost a lot of muscle mass being ill. Those 7.8k calories are not good. I absolutely must work out more, and change my diet. 


Anyway I better get on with getting ready for work. I've got 19 or so hours of work between now and 9pm tomorrow - that basically means, more hours at work than at home. I need to think more about money. I spent a lot in the past few days, I know it was necessary to buy a suit and other clothes, but it still eats at me. I can't spent more than I earn. That's why this interview weighs so heavily on me. On the other hand, I never have any luck with interviews. 


Onwards. Today is another day.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Dear Diary,


Did I mention that I went on a date last week? She texted me back saying she's seeing someone now - I felt a bit broken when she said that. I was still very ill with the stomach flu so I tried to focus on that instead. I'm getting better now so I thought I might mention it.


Another thing that I might want to mention is that my mum is increasingly nagging my dad about how he gets up late and she says things like how he is being selfish and only cares about himself and he doesn't do anything for anybody else and he's just waiting for death doing nothing with his life as my mum holds everything together.


Then hearing that makes me want to hide away in bed more. 


this month I have been wearing the punishment boots again - I guess I feel like I don't want to wear brogues all the time, or trainers. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dear Diary,


There is something a little joyous about doing a big shop. I bought a tablet this week, some tactical boots, and I also today got a suit (for work) and some shirts, and a new pair of jeans from uniqlo. I am feeling a bit fabulous. I even bought a silk tie. 


I have an interview on Monday, with the Sentinel (of all places!). 


I think I am getting better. I am a little bit queasy but I think I am slowly getting back to some kind of normal again. I hope. 

Dear Diary,

I'm getting better


This stomach flu has made me come out a different person. I have suffered some emotional memories and physical ones too. I have refocussed myself, also I bought myself a tablet computer. 


I did the gym on thursday. Did the gym on friday and I'll do it later on this (saturday) morning hopefully. So here's 'the list' of what I've done for friday:

  • Applied to grad scheme
  • Went to gym class (lovely fiona was there - hmmm fiona is looking a lot thinner than I remember - heard she teachers around central london)
  • Got an interview - set for monday
  • Job search
  • Clarinet and piano practice
  • Entered december shifts
  • Archiving 
  • (Cancelled work today)

So, off to the gym now. why did i just say that?


There's always more to do. 

I'm still not 100% but who ever is in this world. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Things I've done this Wednesday:

  • Archiving
  • Job Searching
  • Sent applications (3)
  • Purple schema tasks
  • watched films
  • some blogging
  • slept a lot

Still feeling ill. Although I'm more conscious, my digestive system has certainly had better days. Although I'm getting my appetite back, my bowels have had better days.


I think I'll have to do the unthinkable, and cancel work on friday. Shit...


I just hope there's some kind of karmic redemption to this absurdly horrible situation.



Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dear Diary,

I woke up early, went to the hospital today. I saw the psychologist, we talked about the chilhood documents. I don't think we did very well in the session. I am distracted by the whole autism thing.

Perhaps more than that I tried with my best efforts to get stuff done. I then fell asleep. I wake up at 6pm. I had a bit to eat, and then set up on my desk. 

Since then I have been trying to get on with tasks. I wonder to myself if I'll feel better to work on Friday. I really want to work, but on the other hand if I can't work, I can't work. Just have to accept it. I will spend the next few hours trying to get stuff done, or failing that, if I'm too tired I'll rest. 


Can't give myself a hard time. If I get things done, I win, if I sleep, I get better, I win.

Hopefully when I get better I can move at my life in a higher gear. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Things I've done yesterday (despite being ill)


  • Emailed to cancel shifts
  • Get out of bed and feed myself
  • Garden scheduling
  • Paid £50 into my account

Things that I've done sicne midnight

  • Got Spotify Premium
  • Told My boss what shifts I can do this december

Dear Diary,

I cancelled 2 days of work. I have food poisoning, or the flu, or something. I feel like shit. I am dependent on lemsip-impersonation drinks (beechams?) and I have just about got my libido.. I ate today, I haven't got much of an appetite, and everything is all kinda spacey. This is how severe depression felt. I distinctly remember it. My head was in a daze and I can't move, cant get out of bed and lost interest in everything. 

It's funny. Feeling that way again made me realise how much I want to do stuff. I want to go outside, live my life and embrace things fully. 

On the other hand I can't be asked to sit in front of a computer doing data entry and writing covering letters.

I'm feeling better...i think. I think it would be safe to spend some time away from work for now.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

I got my childhood records.


It's quite upsetting.

It says things like:


  • We can't assess Conatus' true ability because of his anxiety and problems with interaction
  • My difficulties at school
  • A list of who my friends were and information about them - including how one of them had a mother with schizophrenia
  • My childhood records show evidence of a fixation with violence


This is new information. Its upsetting me.

Dear Diary,


So I've got this date tomorrow, well, since its technically saturday - later today.


I think I feel what they call butterflies. It's exciting. I love how 'normal it is. I just want to have a normal adult experience...I want to have a normalised life after going through what I did. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dear Diary,


I asked out a girl last night on okcupid, well, we sort of asked each other out. I like her, she seems nice.


I shaved my beard and did some manscaping just now. The feminist people are being helped by me with their AGM - they are having some serious problems. I've got various things to do and I'm not doing so well with my schedule. Yesterday disturbed my routine quite a lot. 

Got an email from my past self today. It was about a year ago, talking about the funeral. Quite nice of him to remember me. 


I shaved my beard. I am now officially beardless. After I saw 3 grey hairs on my beard I felt that I had to shave it off. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Dear Diary,


Things I've done today:

  • Got my Clarinet back
  • Practice clarinet excitedly
  • Made dinner for mum and dad - its a big meal - took about 3 hours to cook, it will last probably 3 days
  • Went to gym class

dear diary, 


just a throwaway comment, Katie Melua's latest album/ep is a pile of shit, it is derivative from her own past work, which is shit of the highest order.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Things I did today:

  • Job application at the Sentinel
  • Body Pump
  • Body Combat
  • Garden meeting
  • Sent email to HR person about possible availability
  • Job searching
  • Doing helpful stuff for feminists

Now come tomorrow - lets do more.

I love doing gym stuff. I'm getting addicted to it. I need it inside - I need the feeling of validation.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

'that day' anniversary

dear diary,


I'm awake at 3am and canot sleep. 


Then I realised today is 'that day'.


I've said it. and Now I'm going to carry on with other shit.


Did some archiving just now. That's osmething that keeps me busy.


Got a few days off work...I can use this time to get more shit done. Shit that I intended to do for a long time.

dear diary,


I've not been writing in this lately. 


I'm worried about money. I applied to a job that I really want this week.And I'm doing a nice amount of gym lately.


Archiving tonight. I'm feeling kind of lonely.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

two dreams last night

dear diary,


I had two dreams last night.


First Dream:


I was starting a new work placement. It was in the same form as working at the Sentinel, but the woman told me my first day was a trial to see if I was ready for the rest of it. I would be doing a masters in 'theological administration' or something afterwards. All I remember of the job was running around this building which seemed like the media centre (that used to be the old BBC buildings) and having to just be a busybody. it felt unhappy but I thought to myself: is this the only way I can get another masters degree? I really thought to myself that this was the only route out.


Second dream


It was a school reunion, and I had my clarinet repaired, and I saw all these guys who used to remember me and that I was a fairly able musician at school, then my friends were there and we practiced some jazz stuff. Actually in my dream, in that moment, I actually started thinking about clarinet technique and fingerings and blowing technique. Needless to say I was ac tually better in the dream than real life.Then I saw this guy, he was dressed in what can only be called a black monk's robe and had an awful monk-like hairstyle with these round Mahler glasses, and it was the guy I knew from school who has become a priest recently. I said 'hello father' to him. 


I then woke up feeling miserable. I felt horribly isolated and I felt like there were very limited opportunities for me. 

God, life is sad. Now I have to get up again. 

I'm upright, now I'm off to do my errands. Working until maybe 4pm, then off to work.



Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Dear Diary,


My phone was fucked yesterday. I had to buy a new one. I'm not too happy about it as it doesn't have a good memory. One day I'll buy another phone, and that phone will be my backup. LIke Walter White.


Woke up late as fuck today. I'm feeling quite disoriented. I did a double session at the gym yesterday, went to CBT, and I had a semi-massive anxiety moment for my phone. I need my phone for living so I really got stressed about it. It's over now, the stress, that is. 


Tomorrow is 'that day'



Saturday, November 2, 2013

currently watching world war z

- shit scared right now

Saw this story in the news and made me laugh: this is exactly what I did for the past 2 months - sorting accreditations for journalists: 



Things I did today

  • Gym
  • Audio archiving
  • Sent email to my recent ex-manager at Sentinel sport
  • Received reply
  • Went to Buddhist discussion group 


Friday, November 1, 2013

In other news - went to the gym this morning (feel great afterwards - although really tired at one point); and now I got a list of shit to do...gotta get on it. 

Sometimes the things that seem to matter I procrastinate about the most.

Dear Diary,

something had been on my mind since I finished at sentinel sports: should I ask the manager for a reference? 

I finally emailed back, asking her. I...was really anxious about it. The thoughts I had:

  • She's not going to accept it
  • she's going to ignore it
  • she's going to think badly of me if i asked
  • she's not just going to reject me, but it will look badly on my presence in the organisation



  • Guilty - I feel bad for asking her - like I'm asking her for something unreasonable
  • frustrated -for being so ...procrastinating about this.
  • worried - about the implications of not asking

I did it. I fucking did it. 



 does it feel like a relief? no. Does it feel like I'm not worried about it anymore - well, less.


Thursday, October 31, 2013

Perhaps one of the hardest and most frightening things in the world to me is asking for references. 

I have bad memories of asking for references from academics...because of the whole eating disorder thing and depression that happened during that period.


I would like to ask the manager I was working with at the Sentinel to ...be my reference for upcoming job applications. Things I am afraid of:

  1. Her saying no
  2. Whether its appropriate to ask
  3. I don't know really - i'm just scared


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

writing blog post on my last day at placement at sentintel. i'll miss it. it was fun. But i'll be glad to have more time...when I got it I had no expectations, and since then I kind of had a taste of how things could be better. Now I'm back to being shit old me again, and not managing a specialist area of a news desk of an international news organisation. 


goodbye cool world.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Things on my mind

Things are going well in some ways


  • Got more to say on my CV RE: Work experience

  • Got more money

  • Got more to do with the Garden

  • Got a plan of things that I could do


Things that I can work on


  • Job applications

  • Fitness

  • Social life

  • Making my life better


Things that I am cautious about:


  • Money worries

  • Anxiety

  • Depression coming back

  • Not doing everything

    • Having so much to do that I am inefficient

Monday, October 28, 2013

Dear Diary,


Busy sunday at work. I had occupied myself with lots of various tasks, much of it was an attempt to catch up with everything. This monday is going to be the penultimate day I'm working at Sentinel Sport. I'll be working with the guy that I was covering for sick leave. He's coming back on reduced hours. 


In other news I've been doing various things: mostly planning stuff, sorting stuff. I went through a fuckload of newspapers, I read about 2 weeks worth of newspapers and magazines just now, while watching 8 episodes of New Girl and '2 Broke Girls', I also watched a familiy guy episode. After the reading I had a bite to eat and watched How I met your Mother on the tivo downstairs. I like that show, I don't know why.


At work I went on the 'wrongplanet' aspergers forum, as it was 'quiet' at work today. I found out that there is an arts and performance thing going on with Autism and aspergers people, or for them, rather. It's called stim rock express. I emailed about it, someone got back to me and she said that I could play as a solo musician. I have an opportunity to meet other aspergers people, and engage with something I really like. I like learning about performing and just today I was thinking about how I have this background in music but I never perform. 


Something as I was writing this blog post hit me. When I called the university last week, I called as a 27 year old adult. I'm like a proper grown up now, although not with a full time job, I am working two part time jobs right now. When I first delat with the university I was still remembering 'A' Levels. I remember growing up I noticed how the doctors and professionals would talk to me differently reflecting that I grew up. So I'm an adult now, but I remember being in various servies all my life growing up. 


To have to revisit somewhere like Stim Rock Express, and being around all those aspergers people, many of them I presume have carers and formalised support groups and professional support...like how I used to have, i feel like I'm revisiting my past selves, my vulnerabilities.



I dunno...maybe I'm just overthinking it right now. Today and this week has been really active, and in some ways, really good. I spent too much money, but besides that I'm quite pleased at the results and outcomes. I really have to just push on and work on with things. I have a lot to do, I've done a lot certainly. Ther'es more to do, and I'll be proud of myself if I can manage the end of this coming week having done lots of job applications and moved forward on other things.


I should go to bed. If i slept at 1am that would be early compared to previous weeks. I'm so glad to have my primary watch back and running again. That watch is an old friend to me. 


There's a big storm coming today. I am thinking (vainly) about what I could wear. Perhaps if I could just sleep that would be an achievement. 


One of the continual life lessons is just: keep moving, and one step at a time (i hate the expression 'baby steps'). If I just need to think about the one or two steps immeiate to me, that would be alrgiht. I might go into bed with no music on, and no radio on, just the company of my own thoughts.


Lately...and I know this is really weird. I have gotten into Premier Christian Radio. ...there's something alluring about Christian radio. I've always found something alluring about evangelical christianity. Perhaps it is how assured in their life and their place in life. I kind of want for that myself. Like Augustine once said...something about God giving restless minds rest. Matthew 11:28 says: come to me those who are weary and work laden, and I can give you rest. 


So I'm doing bible quotes now? Ah fuck it, I listen to black metal, I know what I am.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Diary,



At work at the moment. Doing some GCal planning for the next month (November). It's quite comforting to plan the month ahead. So many things to do. But I feel a little more able to order it all now than I did last night.


Feeling tired, I hope I survive the train home. On the plus side, this is the last sunday I'll work for the time being.

Dear Diary,


I've found there's an equilibrium between: doing what you can, and doing what can be done. 

british summer time ends in 13 minutes

when i was working at sentinel sport at the beginning of september, i remembered how sad it felt to think about the end of summer. it's truly gone and there's even a time change to account for it. 


:( got a fuckton to do.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Things I've done this week that I have no time to talk about yet

  • Kissed a girl in oxford
  • repaired my watch
  • Ordered the repair of my clarinet
  • bought a new jacket
  • bought new jeans
  • bought a great new cord shirt
  • bought underpants from uniqloe
  • saw escape plan with my PhD friend - who now has a phd
  • working two jobs
  • ate a lot of takeout
  • spent too much money

I've been busy as fuck lately. I just got home from the watchmakers with my semi-repaired watch. He said that he'll repair the hands another time for free.

I've got an email from my self a year ago, it says: 



So I'm going off to meet [Adora], with 14 condoms. I'm kind of glad that all those johnnies I bought in 2008-2009 have come to use, especially before their *cough* 2013 sell by date.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

dear diary,


today counts as a 6 item achievement day. That's good right?

dear diary


paid in earlier than expected


that is all.

(quite pleased)

Dear Diary,


Was thinking about going to a couple of BBC radio concerts in a couple of weeks. My motivations are:

  • The intrinsic humanistic value of concert-going
  • Going somewhere new
  • Going somewhere i don't normally go (one venue isn't new to me)
  • Doing something varied
  • Doing something vaguely spiritual (thats how i see music)

Working today. Coping with an incident that caused anxiety. I'm trying to use some CBT techniques to navigate through.


In other news: I've been working friday evening, saturday evening, and today then tomorrow. I also got a document yesterday telling me that my job at the Sentinel is being recognised for tax adjustment - so I won't be so badly taxed - hopefully. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

Dear Diary,


Attempted to get shit done today, but failed. I am catching up on my rest, and eating. I am kinda keen on getting some mcd's before work...fat fuck that I am! I'm kinda feeling numb and hazy right now.


Got to go to work ...or get ready for work now.

In other news...I might have a piece published in the weekend Guardian's family supplement (that's on the saturday issue). So um, yeah...I think that will net me £25. I like moneys, even if its a small amount. Every little helps.

Dear Diary,


Working today. It's going to be a late one.

Trying to catch up on shit today. But it's long. I've got so much to catch up with. Mostly boring essays that I don't want to write. I should enjoy the fact that in terms of work its so busy. It's not going to be like this forever. I have a few days of work and then after that I will be underemployed again. I ened to take aggressive measures to keep that income coming in. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Dear Diary,


It's my off day today. I'm off to CBT in a moment, then I'm possibly doing some gym. 

Things on my mind at the moment:

  • Lots to do this week, but over the past month or so it just feels routine. I think I'm getting into a pattern, although I am currently behind on stuff. 
  • That girl I know from fetlife is really depressed right now - actually another girl from fetlife is depressed, but those are two different situations and two different girls. Its on my mind because I feel worried about them, and I also am reminded of my own growing sense of dread
  • Last night at the gym I did an hour on the treadmill. I put on some depressive black metal and my brain just went into some kind of autopilot. It was therapeutic, although not very calorie hungry to be honest. I'll make up for that otnight
  • I've gotten a word back from my old university, it's possibly good news. I have to move forward in the process of getting my documents
  • I really like working, but I must accept that after november I will be back in the doghouse of underemployment. Part of me is distracted by the prospect of spending all that money. Another part of me is worrying about the future and money related issues. There's a news story about the price rise in gas, there's a teacher's strike today as well. I'm not living in a good world right now. I'm not at my best either. I have to keep pushing and working in an imperfect world

I had more things to say but I've run out of time.


This blog is my constant, but lately I've not had enough attention for it.


gotta go now.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

dear diary,


got a call back from the disability unit at my university. they have my records. Apparently they have a hundred + pages of documents. it's a veritable dossier. Some of it goes back to my childhood. I remember being taken out of school, I remember occupational therapy. I remember being taken to a special needs type school and one guy kept saying 'di matteo' (a popular footballer of the time) repeatedly. 

When I dig into these childhood memories, when even alluding to them, it upsets me. 

It's not who i am not, but it is, it is who I used to be. That defined who I am now.

Monday, October 14, 2013

dear diary,


had a pretty medium level of irritation today. i thought i lost my oyster card so i had to buy a new one. i missed the train and bought a new oyster. later found out that it was under the bed. thanks mum. So now i have a backup oyster? what should I do with that? I'll work something out. It's not too important right now


Because I was stressing out about it I felt like everything else was going wrong. When I got off the tube I went down the wrong end of the platform and then I realised i did the same thing on sunday, and I got lost. I didnt want to get even more late so I turned around and rushed. However I hurried down and my watch scraped against this advert board and then the crown of my watch broke off.


ugh...so I 've got another thing to pay for...I'm pretty pissed at myself but on the other hand I'm just trying to be calm and carrying on with the day.


Except for the day being slightly busy I am managing. Colleagues are being nice and friendly. My day is organised as such (without the emotional and psychological distraction of this morning):


  • work
  • get to the garden meeting and chair it
  • meet guy and have pint with him afterwards
  • maybe read a bit

anxiety is middling today but ...i think I can cope with it. I think. I am so annoyed at having to spend so much money all the time just to make things work. I might get a new atch after this. That watch I have is sentimental. 

dear diary,


I don't have time to summarise my week. I could try to summarise the day:

  • Went to work, sunday rates, oh yeahhh
  • Quiet at work, so I did some desk day tasks - I applied to a job
  • did some job searching
  • Caught up on blogging
  • Caught up on feedly

So that's like 5 things already

I got home, warmed down with some comedy and reading sunday newspapers (Sentinel, naturally). I then relaxed a bit and had two wanks. After midnight I planned a broad reading schedule for the book that I'm going to review. It is an interesting one, kind of related to feminism and LGBT rights. It's got a title that will get some attention if I'm reading it on the tube. I hope nobody thumps me for it. I'm working later this week with a Christian homophobe so maybe not take it for then. 

I had a vodka and orange tonight. I think (falsely) that it will put my mind at ease and it does make my brain operate in a more relaxed way. Tomorrow it's full on again. Work, chairing a committee meeting, and then forced socialisation with an older man - i hope he doesn't rub his penis between my thighs.

In other news - Activist girl has been messaging me a lot. I must admit I have feelings for her. I have also been possibly facebook stalking her for a while...which is bad. Both things which mean I cannot ever have a relationship with her. Not least I'm the wrong gender for her. It is nice to have a friend, an internet friend...I think we have a lot in common. I feel something for her, and she seems to message me a bit. I think I started it. She's doing a masters in activism, and I send her activist-y type journals and articles. 


I do that for friends, send them academic articles that I think they might like. Earlier in the day I sent off articles on mathematical logic. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

dear diary,


my records say this week was when i started working at shambly 3 years ago

Friday, October 11, 2013

Dear diary,

I'm feeling quite worn down now.


I'm wearing my old levis jeans. Why is that important to mention? It isn't really. However I'm running out of 'good' trousers and these are the mainly sturdy clothes that I have left, that aren't like work suit trousers or something.They are trousers from when I was a student. I'm not a student anyore.I've moved on from that time. However there are things happening, and memories that come to me, that will never want me to forget those days...those darker days.


I remember sitting at bristol university's access unit along the corridor. Waiting for someone to talk to me in the assessment room. I remember feeling very sad. I remember the darkness. I am feeling very isolated right now, very alone. I feel frightened. I wish I had someone on my corner right now. I wish I had an entourage like those tennis guys - Djokovic and Murray have an entourage of people who support him and make him feel his best. Wish I had one of those. 


This depressed feeling is making me feel sleepy. I've got to push on. I've got to fight this hard. I've got to stand up, post this blog, go downstairs, go outside, walk to the ATM, check out some cash, then I'll walk to Boots or superdrug and buy some shampoo and condiitoner. maybe I'll have a look inside computer exchange and then I'll walk home. I'll be tempted to buy some snack food but I'll resist, won't I? 


Then I'll get home, eat properly and carry on with my pathetic life. 


Maybe if i'm lucky, I'll do some Gym. That sounds like a jam packed day. I probably don't even have time for it all. So I better fuckingstart now!.



(God I feel miserable0

errand day

Dear Diary,


Just starting to realise how broke I am - I am going to owe my parents money that I'll pay them back after I get paid. I'll have to pay back the money into my savings account, and the overdraft.


Fuck - i'd consider it lucky that I'll have £0 in my account, fuck you negative numbers. 


Anyway I have to make an expense right now that will put me more into debt.


In other news I have gotten a call through to the disability services at my old uni and they said they will look into my records, then email me a copy of everything they have on me. Of course that's what they said last time. Do I have a reason to believe them? Who rucking knows.


Anyway, I move on to the future. However rainy and shit it is. 


Got another errand to do today. I hope I can find time for gym later on. 


'tactical wank' - and other things

Dear Diary,

What can I say really. I've been busy at work today. I've been pissed off about how I haven't been paid today -payroll error. I spent about 9-10 hours at work. It was a long ass conference. As I finished I got lots of junk food and got home. I ate a shitload of bad food today. I did catch up on my blog reading today. 

I've got lots of jobs planned to apply to. There's a list of things I want to apply to. There's always a fuckign list. that's my catchphrase of the month. If I actually talked to anyone. 


I wonder if I lack ambition in my life. I wonder if I lack a vision. I was reading up about stock trading today, as a possible way of earning more money. I want to put my money somewhere that would grow somewhere. I'm thinking about doing some gym in the evening. I need to catch up on emails. 


There's something in my bones, a superstitious part of me, that feels something catastrophic is going to happen. I don't know why.


I've got a fuckton of podcasts to catch up with, and I am just about   stil learning to deal with these new working hours. Even though I'm working part time, I have found it difficult to make some time for my usual schedule. I've been doing things like tactical wanks to just get some relief and getting on with work...I've not had a tactical wank since I was a teenager, since 'A' level days. Those days were the most productive I felt, because I felt the most self-regimented...


I hoep tomorrow goes well. I've got to make the most of my off days. I've had trouble writing this blog post, I have trouble concentrating. I feel bored of my own thoughts right now. 

Maybe best if I just sleep on things

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

there's an idea in my head at the moment. this is an idea that has been on my mind from time to time over the years. despite all the depression and the anxiety and all the suffering, i am interested in who the person is beneath all of those things, i am interested in the person that is deep under that all, the person that is me, the defining me. if there is such a thing. 


There's a song, rider of the last day - which I feel I want to relate to me. Feet in the mud fists to the sky/Draw strength from the lightning splitting my eye - thats' what I want for me.


I'm feeling upset and angry at myself - i missed a deadline for the civil service analytical fast stream - I'M SO FUCKING INCENSED AND I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME


There's no point in smashing anything, I'd have to clean it up. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dear Diary,

It's my day off and I have no time to review my activities. I've got a list of things to get on with. Realistically I won't have time to do them all. 


I'm managing a lack of energy, a lack of time. 

On the plus side I have work. Perhaps that's really the big positive for my life right now. Work will set me free.


In other news I saw a really depressing article on vice magazine, I tweeted it. 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Dear Diary,


I'm running late. I missed the gym today. I felt a bit sad about that, not least because I like being around people socially. I did make alternative use of the time. I practiced some mozart, sight read some beethoven, did some improvisation. I did some garden emailing - that is long overdue, and I am way behind on shit right now. I'll go with my mum to the birthday party. I don't even have time to catch up on the personal hygiene right now...I think I'll have to at least sponge bath my balls and armpits ...keep minimally hygienic. I have to say it's not the first time I've had to be that extreme. 


Anyway I've got a fuckload to do...and I'm working tomorrow


(life is great!)

Dear Diary,


Friday (which just passed) is going to be my last proper day off for a while. I had a fatigue-nap, and i woke up around 11pm. I am still awake. Might sleep soon. I had a lot of energy after my fatigue-nap, so I used it to catch up on stuff. Non priority stuff mind you. 


Things I did on Friday:

  • Bought gift card for My brother's girlfriend 
  • Window Shopping
  • Recieved replacement Oyster Card (shit that felt longer than a day ago)
  • Sent off book review (first thing I did)
  • Received response about a journal I emailed about

Things I did after fatigue-nap

  • Job Searching
  • Archiving and Playlisting - made a new playlist, "2013.11" 


There's more to do. I've got a list. 

So tired, so much to do. I wonder if other people my age have these kinds of problems. I've not had much time for social life because I have so many items on my list. 

I've been reading some articles on the Guardian and stuff about university starting and its triggered ome memories. I work near a university and I saw all these hipster fresher kids...again, more memories. 


For the most part I've been avoiding the memories...for the most part. I've got enough to work on in my life at the moment. I sent an email to myself in the future, in the next 5 years, to capture the zeitgeist of now.


Anyway...onwards I go.Maybe bedwards...I probably should. Starting to feel tired again. I am aiming to go to the gym in5 hours!

Friday, October 4, 2013

I aint got time to grieve.

dear diary,


What did I do today?


got up at 10am, did some downloading and catching up on my playlists. Didn't quite get as far with that as I'd like.


Let's make the list of my achievements:


  • Applied to editorial job at Sentinel
  • Body combat class at gym
  • Body attack class at gym
  • Rescheduling items over the next month - involved cancelling CBT appointment and 3 shifts at work
  • I attempted to make the schedule over the next month to account for my working hours over october. So on reflection I'll have 3-4 days of work over the coming weeks, which is nice. 

I think I would never have been in this situation a few months ago. Part of me is thinking: what will the situation be like in the next few months? 


I experienced fatigue today - perhaps due to everything piling up on me and my body forcing me to stop. I rested while putting some eps of breaking bad on the monitor. I felt guilty, guilty because there's so much I need to advance on at the moment, that I had no energy for. I just have to stop sometimes. I set lots of things for me to do, but I can't do them all. 


I've got more to do over the coming days and weeks.


Got to get on it. 

For now, I sleep. I ain't got time to grieve about past octobers. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Dear Diary,


My off day, my 'desk day'.


I've been playlisting today, trying to catch up on stuff. I think I'm trying to follow too many blogs and people on social media, trying to do too much. I've got to just do what I can.

Got to stick to basics. 


Today I'm cancelling shifts that I can't work at shambly, because I'm working at Sentinel. I've cancelled 3 shifts at shambly. I think that's a good thing, I'm getting more money overall. It does feel weird to say 'I can't work these hours' - my go-getting attitude is that I grab all opportunities, but I've got to be strategic. 


I've got a plan to do some gym classes today, maybe not overkill it. 


I've got a lot of shit to do. I'm sorta glad.

In the words of my piano teacher - stop saying what you are going to do, and do it!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Fuck, its october. In my head i keep typing august. I also have had another problem at work, I am mis-typing the word received.















I better practice that sometime - I need to unlearn that habit. 

dear diary,


having my laptop screen fucked means i can't masturbate in the prone position. This has meant I have to use the 'traditional' method...which I don't like so much. This will have to do until I have a new computer situation.


I like having my lamps because it gives me notifications about when I need to leave the house. I can get fully immersed in my various tasks without having to worry about forgetting anything. 


I can't do too much today as it is a short day, and after badminton I get tired. However I think that I've done a fair amount today. I've called my old uni about the aspergers stuff and I've called to book an appointment with the GP. I've also don a bit of archiving, playlisting and I've done my monthly review of tasks and activities for september. I've got a new function on my computer that puts screenshots immediately into a folder in dropbox, highly useful.



dear diary, 


I am seriously multitasking. 


Perhaps it is the aspergers in me, but I feel like I really want to organise a picture folder and organise a music playlist, these seem more interesting to me than actually listening to the music.

I kind of wish my life were more streamlined.


I'm also hungry right now. Must not forget that I have badminton later...I'll make a note.

dear diary,


usually I would write everything i've done at the end of the day or talk about my process. I've not had that kind of time or energy lately.


Just now i called my old university to see if they have my childhood records - this is crucial to getting an aspergers and autism diagnosis finalised. 


I tried calling my jesuit school...no reply as of yet. Maybe will call on Thursday. Or later today? It is lunchtime after all.


Something that has surprised me as I was giving the call, was that I am thinking about the phone etiquette and my interaction abilities from being on the phone all month in a work situation. I wonder if working at the Sentinel and talking to people I don't know is helping me with interactions. I can start to observer 'upper level' behaviour like humour, 

final monday, penultimate day at sentinel sports

Dear Diary,

So, the situation looks like I might be working more hours this week. I say might. I shouldn't think about it too much. I've had my 'final' monday, and it was busy as fuck. Some shit happened this afternoon that is the stuff of 'the thick of it' tv show. 


After work I went to the gym, did body combat. It felt good. It was really extreme with a new instructor. My heart was racing like I might have a heart attack. 


I had some junk food after gym. Anxiety was high today, but manageable. Perhaps the thoughts of earning money, spending money and buying a new computer eased my mind. 


So, it's october now. October has all the anniversaries that i've talked about in a previous post. I will try to make october about good stuff.


In other news. I've got sooo much to think about and do, that honestly my mind has limited ability to cope with it all. I dont think I ahve the luxury of having a lie in on my day off. I think I've got to treat tomorrow like work.


In other news, I've found two apps really helpful to me, an app called 'whisper' and one called TuneIn Radio

Monday, September 30, 2013

Dear Diary,

As september fades, october rises. 

September was the month when I started purging, when Antonia and I broke up and when I was temporarily homeless. 

October is the month of...meeting Adora, my uncle dying, starting work at shambly, and other depressing shit...I think it's time to make october a happy month of good memories! I'm going to survive winter, before I know it the warm season will come again. I could just enjoy the cold as it happens. I'm still not over the love affair that was summer weather. At least I don't have social pressures and worries about sweating a lot.


I have found a new app that I am playing with, it has lotso f radio.

Been thinking about getting a new laptop or desktop, maybe a tablet too. 


off to sleep. Work tomorrow. I don't think I'll be saying phrases like that much after wednesday. Enjoy the busy work while it lasts - when it dries up I'm back to the comforting certainness of uncertain limbo. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Today at work I was talking to a couple of new subeditors. I was playing a role. I was nice to them and said things like 'let me know if there's anything I can help with', or 'here you go, pal'. I quite enjoyed seeming like someone to somebody else. How I appear outwardly to people is a mystery world to me. How other people seem to themselves is likewise a mystery. I understand barely how I feel. I have my lampe and that is enough. I am glad Lampe is on life support right now and he will be replaced soon.


Today at work I was doing some envelope calculations of how much money I will have earned. I tried to account for tax as well. I am warming to the idea of getting a tablet. I am also keen on getting new clothes, trousers, cords etc. After I get paid I'm going to have to wrok on paying back my dues. Firstly to my parents, and secondly to my isa savings. 


At the moment I am warming down. After work I ate, watched some tv, then had a bath, I then watched more tv while doing a bit of work and reading. I read The Sentinel on Sunday today (it's no Guardian I tell you that) and enjoyed the various lifestyle niches. Sunday was quiet. It was my last sunday. Tomorrow is my last money at sport. Then on Wednesday will be my last wednesday, and the last day overall. Then I'm back to 'normal' of not working and waiting for work ...scary. I've got to focus on interviews.


While that is happening I've got more hings to move on about the whole aspergers thing. I've got lots to do in the coming days and then some. I won't let computer troubles stop me. Although my computer blowing on me had a pretty problematic turn 

Dear Diary,


The calm after the turmultuous anxiety of yesterday. 

My weekend plan went nothing like I expected it to. Part of that was by choice, most of that was not my fault. Being without my schedule has een a problem for me. I'm off to work now. I feel like maybe that might be a relief from my anxiety if I'm at work - oh the irony of that...


Off I go.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

dear diary,


I had a panic attack today. a real one. it felt like I was going mental and losing my mind, it was like I was worried I had crossed over to the truly mentally ill where there felt like a point of no return. 


Did I return to the real world? Idon't know.


Antonia's daughter has arthritis, we injected these horrible needles into her knees. she cried unbearably. It was one of my darkest experiences, seeing a child cry because of arthritis.She said things like 'why do I have to go through this and other kids don't?' - she asks questions that grown ups don't really have answers to.

She's the bravest person I've ever seen. That little girl is wonderful. I'm so happy that she has a new stepdad and that Antonia is living a new and happy life. 


During my visit, my laptop screen died. I'm very sad about that. I had a panic attack about that--although I had a panic attack about other things too...

  • Not being able to afford a new laptop
  • Being in a shit job situation
  • Antonia's daughter's arthritis
  • My lonliness
  • The lonliness that comes from anxiety and panic
  • The sadness of having to return to panic
  • During the laptop screen incident, I had to attempt alternatives, I even tried using my old laptop, the one I got from the disability student's allowance. 


I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Tomorrow is sunday work and I'm not even thinking about that. I am not even bothered about it right now. My anxiety is in another place. 


Perhaps I should focus on money, earning it and buying a new computer...I was thinking either a high end laptop (which doesn't seem to exist in the spec I want) or, a low end laptop, a tablet, and a high end desktop, so I can be mobile laptoping; travel tableting and high-end gaming at home.


I'm going off to bed. I've had a fucking nightmare of a day. The sooner it ends the better.


That doesn't even include how i massaged a naked woman today...I think that makes 3 naked women I've massaged this year. Still no sex though.


I realise how dependent I am on Lampe - its very disturbing...its very worrying...it also is very asperger-y

Friday, September 27, 2013

weekend away from home.

Dear Diary,


As far as my stint working at the editorial desk for Sentinel Sport (and Sentinel sunday) is concerned, I'll have finished up by next Wednesday. It was a great experience while it lasted, however I am now back to the routine of not working for long periods of time again come october, which sorta sucks, knowing that I am capable of working alright for long periods of time and doing something more than directing guests around Shambly arena.


So I'm working at shambly today, and I do appreciate getting any kind of working hours. 


You know how sometimes I write a post and I say its going to be busy and I dread it? Well that really busy shit has been happening and I'm just trying to strive through it. There's a few jobs I really want to apply to if I have the time, but I'm not sure that I will have the time. This weekend is busy. Here's a rough plan:


  • Go to work
  • After work go to Euston - visiting Antonia (who is being difficult)
  • Do some catchup during that time


  • Hang about with Antonia during the day (undefined)
  • Go to London
  • Go to meeting? (undecided)
  • Go to party from 7pm 

I'm preparing a bag right now for travel. I've got to get the essentials, and nothing more. I think I'll take the old alienware with me. 


So Off I go. I think I might bag everything up now and head off. I think my bag is overfilled for an overnight stay and taking my computer. Oh well.. Let's not forget as well: on Sunday I'm working. It's the last sunday, and then after that I can get back to the community garden. Hopefully.