Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dear Diary,

I'm not feeling so hot right now. Sent off some applications through Hays. I did some job searching. I did some community garden stuff. There's a to do list. I want to just lay in bed for an hour and sound off. I feel that might help me. Even half an hour perhaps.

Maybe I'll do some reading? This aspergers stuff is kinda grating at me lately. Other stuff is grating at me too. Like being unsuccessful in life. I realyl should do more to make it better. But nothing is happening. Nothing is happening for me. I'm in fucking limbo. I'm in a fucking state of nothingness. I am living a life worse than death. I should have committed suicide in  2006. I felt this was going to happen. I knew it was going to be shit and mediocre and my life would come crashing down.

Instead, I'm trying to fight. Trying to push forward.


I hope I can push myself at the gym today.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Dear Diary,

Woke up, had a wank, finished breakfast-lunch. Now I'm getting on the task. I have about 4.5 hours to get shit done. On reflection its not enough time.

At the moment I'm reading stuff about people with ASD and the situation with financial support. It seems that there are some people who have such severe symptoms that it hinters their ability to work full  time. A lot of this stuff is really weighing heavy on me. On sunday I was 'neurotypical' and then monday I'm neural atypical.

I feel like there's a  partial explanation for my isolation. Partial reason why I find it difficult to relate to people. I'ms cared. I'm most scared of being 'different' to people. Then again I was always different...I guess I needed it acknowledged -right?


I don't know Its all hard to deal with right now. And right now I have other shit to do :(

Monday, July 29, 2013

Dear Diary,


I am back from the gym. I did 2 miles walking, 1.3 miles running and the combat class.

I'm looking at sickipedia for aspergers jokes. Most of them aren't funny, or rely on things that aren't about aspergers to be 'funny', like one racially insensitive joke about chinese accents.


One joke I find funny, mostly because it appeals to my sensibilities and silliness:

My female doctor's really hot but she said I have Asperger's Syndrome.

I think that means she likes me.

When I was at the various workshops for employ-ability, one of the guys there said he worked with aspergers/autism people to help them get work. Part of me wonders if that's why my life is so shit in terms of employment , because my social interactions get in the way.


I feel like I want to cry. I wonder if aspergers people cry. Apparently spectrum people don't have much imagination. I feel weird - being told effectively that I'm mentally limited. I'm also frustrated that I'm not going to start CBT for another two fucking weeks at least.

I might fill out this autism test...



Dear Diary,


So something happened today. I'm kinda shook up about it. So I go in to the CBT session. Finally its begun, finally no more setbacks. Then the doctor says: we think we should diagnose you for Aspergers syndrome.


Just so many thoughts came to my head. The first one was: will this delay my CBT? I kinda need help with it now. The other was - oh great, another definition to identify with...dyspraxia, minority, not-exactly-hetero, anxiety with a history of severe depression and aspergers...fuck me.

I'm kinda trying to process this shit.

Oh and I've not told anyone except Antonia. And you...fuck...I need to talk to my friends with psychology backgrounds. I feel scared.


I'm also thinking about how all the people I like are suspected autism diagnosis: Glenn Gould, Mozart, Kant...fuck

I'm buying some shit at the moment - mroe sheet music that I won. Frank bridge (english composer) this time. And another book is being sent to me for a review upcoming.

lost and found

dear diary,


the other day I was going to that bloody rehearsal on saturday. I was in a rush and I suddenly found the aviators that I wore last year. It was exactly where I left it. In an nondescript satchel. God I'm embarrassed. I bought another pair of sunglasses in its place, and really those were the ones I had my heart set on.


In other news of forgotten things. I found my work ID pass. I won't even go into where I found it. It is truly embarrassing where I managed to find it. its less than 1 foot away from me where I sit to blog most of the time


my anxiety episode on saturday 27th july

I'm going to start CBT finally on monday (today). I've had very bad episodes of anxiety thsi week. It has physically manifested as vomiting due to feeling breathless and not in control, these happened after parties I went to.

I am had an episode of what I think is an accurate account of a panic attack (I thought that was not a technical term but a popular science thing - turns out it is a rigid concept). I was going to the rehearsal, they said 'new unity hall', so i went there, i saw signs and everything. It had a banner saying 'birthplace of feminism' (woolstonecraft was there), so I swear it was the right place. Then I called the director of the rehearsal and hse said she opened the door and I'm not outside.

Then she gave me instructions (pass the petrol station, pass blabla street xxxx) and many of the details overwhelmed me because I realised none of these markers even made sense given the journey i walked through. i panicked. Some thoughts went to my head: either they are decieving me because they dont want me around, or I have seriously got the wrong address, or they have gotten the wrong initial address in the email they sent me and I'm going to have to try and find the right hall in east london within a 3 mile radius (equivalent of needle in a haystack).

I felt immense panic. I felt immense isolation. I felt immobile. I felt like all these other memories an feelings emerged, all the bad ones. Then I thought to myself: I've done enough this week, I've done enough new things, I've been playing mozart (which causes anxiety). I went to an unfamiliar area of london to visit a buddhist center all the people bar one were unfamiliar (which counts as about 3 seperate issues of anxiety), surely this is enough and I've proven to myself that I don't need to deal with this current anxiety situation.

I felt and decided that I will just walk back to the tube station and go home. Cut my losses as it were, and face my sense of embarrassment. I was too embarrassed to call the director to inform her of the decision, she also started the rehearsal already so she wouldn't anwer anyway. It was also swelteringly hot and this was wearing me down physically. I thought I'd just walk aimlessly about and my anxiety went down a little. I felt sad, disappointed and a bit isolated still, but I thought I will not care about the situation and just be in the now, of walking, of being in the sun.

I went to a nearby sainsburys and got a fizzy drink. I got it for comfort more than hydration. I realised the area I was in was a place where I once had to go near for an interview that went really really badly and I had a panic attack during it - basically it was an orientation/interview/training thing for a catering job and the woman at the interview was horrible to everyone, she told people how they had no chance of working there but they could stay for the rest of the orientation 'to learn something from people who will work here'. It was very cutthroat and intimidating and I was made to feel very frightened and she put people down a lot.

After I drank the mountain dew, I thought I'd attempt to find the venue one last time. I managed to find it by some fluke of luck and remembering the things I could about the directions from Amy. At that point I was 2 hours late and I briefly explained it to one of them and she was really kind and sympathetic about it. My anxeity went down but was still high, this affected my breathing and vision. After the rehearsal I got some junk food to comfort me. I needed anything to comfort me, and I figure junk food is not as bad to be addicted to than alcohol. Of course my eating habits has its own issues related and perhaps also seperate from the anxiety.

I felt like I wanted to continue looking for this hall. Turns out there were 2 halls of the same name. They didn't bother to clarify which of the two...they didn't know there were two halls of the same name. Turn out it was the same organisation that owned both.  It was a terrible anxiety episode and I don't feel better for havnig survived it. I just feel exhausted and ambivalent. stuff like that, and the vomiting, makes me HATE anxiety. I face challenges most people can't even imagine, and that doesn't even include all my weight training and piano practice having dyspraxia.

my mum and dad never resolve things. they let it linger. They let misunderstandings linger and are unwilling to confront situations. They prefer to avoid.

I must overcome this and not make their flaw mine

From an IM chat I'm having now:


so im not expecting anything cos i've never gotten any good results


Tomorrow I start CBT. Today I went to the cinema, before that ,garden. Saturday was a rehearsal thingy. I had a public anxiety attack. I had sheer panic and I almost left the situation. I got lost in Islington - because I'm focussing on something else right now I'll just say that much about the story on saturday.

I'll write more when I have time. I'm kinda behind

Friday, July 26, 2013

Dear Diary,

So the activist socialist friend of mine invited me to a buddhist thing tonight. I just got home. It was nice. I think my anxiety is getting quite bad. I really liked how all the men were really open about themselves. One guy talked about his experience with sex, another guy talked about his feelings about temptation, another guy talked about his depression and being a bisexual black man. Then another guy talked about patriarchy and feminism and how sex is ruined by male domination.

Getting home was relaxing, then I felt anxious. I might go again next month. Was a nice opportunity to see Activist girl for the last time.

Tomorrow I'm leading a rehearsal for that show playing at Edinburgh. I wrote the songs, I guess I have the priviledge of temporaily being the music director for the rehearsal. Although right now I'm just tired and my anxiety is shot. I was impressed at how open the guys were. I value openness. I didn't talk much, but I quite preferred not talking.

My diary says 4 years ago I had my leg injury. The one that still affects me today. Although less so than before.

Things I did yesterday:


  • Finished reading my friend's book
  • Gave feedback on book
  • Archiving
  • Recieved Mozart
  • Body Attack
  • Body Combat
  • Recieved pay from the Sentinel


Thursday, July 25, 2013

punishment thursday

Dear Diary,

There wasn't any internet this morning, so I made some metaphorical lemonade out of those lemons. I finished the book I was meant to reivew, and gave back some feedback. I also did some archiving and I'm going to continue that for now. I got my mozart sheet music (The other fantasie) in the mail. So today I'm sorta clearing up some stuff. I am also thinking about maybe putting some clothes into the charity shop bag as well.

I'm feeling quite dizzy today. Not sure why. I am also going to plan on doing 3 gym classes in a row. Today is punishment Thursday. I need to check my bank balance to see if I got paid as well by the sentinel. I've not shaved in a few days. Thinking about re-growing my punishment beard.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

dear diary,

i am disappointed with how my life has turned out, and that makes me feel very frustrated at the degree of inaction and lack of upward mobility in my life. It makes me angry to the point of impotence.


I think that is the most articulate way I can express myself

Things I did yesterday on Tuesday:


  • Archiving
  • Feedly catchup
  • Fatigue
  • Job Search
  • Payroll issue resolved
  • Sent Terms of engagement letter to work
  • Badminton

Need to do moer. Got really tired today.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Dear Diary,

The helpful lady who was not so helpful yesterday, from the Sentinel, has informed me that payroll put in an 8 instead of a 9 in my account number and or sort code, which meant I didn't get paid. I'll get the money hopefully by thursday, so I'm told.

So that's a bit of a relief. That's the payback of having to be a pester and follow things up. That's the rule of things today in life, you have to assume incompetence as a default. I'm doing some tasks that I've meant to go for ages. Today is my desk day. Since there's no work that I'm told about at least until september (Sentinel would tlel me at short notice if I'm working), there's lots of things to do in the meantime.

In other news I might have a tutoring job. I asked for a lot more money as I'm reading through a dissertation on healthcare. I need to push through the rest of my tasks for today.

I am feeling less stupoured than before. But still stupoured.

Monday, July 22, 2013

My day

Things I've done today:

  • Purchased music from Ebay
  • Shift at work (the last shift for a while)
  • Sent email query to work
  • Picked up Brogues
  • Job Searching
  • Feedly catchup
  • (job searching)

things that make me anxious

  1. My payslip not going in. I just started the job there and they said ‘it went in’ when I told them it didn’t. I replied to tell didn’t. Talking to a brick wall comes to mind

  2. Losing my ID card for work

  3. Travelling and feeling like I need a piss

  4. The feeling that things go wrong and are not in my control

  5. The reality that things go wrong and are not in my control

  6. My indecision

  7. LIving with the consequences of the worst possible scenario.

headlines (22nd July 2013)

Today's headlines:


  • Royal baby
  • Cameron comes down on internet pornography
  • Hottest day of the year

Fuck, all of these things affected me: traffic and delays coming home, feeling heat-exhausted, and porn is my comfort.


I'm listening to Wagner now.

Lots of stuff going wrong right now: the Sentinel HR people haven't paid me yet, and I lost my work ID card. Its making me feel really anxious.

dont work and blog (summer shift)

dear diary. im at work. its the last shift ill have until probably september, at that stage the summer will be a thing of the past. theres a lot of stuff eating me up lately. no contact about working assignments for the senintel. i am not sure if ive been paid yet either. i will have to follow this up.

waking up today i couldnt find my work security pass. i think only now i am over the anxiety that caused me when travelling to work and my first hour here. its a conference at work today, pretty quiet. ive got wifi working here so ive been pissing about on my apps

my colleague didmt make it today so i am observing on my own. i am hungry but i dont have ability to leave my post. i can however piss abput on my phone, thats a lot of fun.

my anxiety right now is turned to hunger, uncertainty and a feeling of loss that i cannot articulate. lately a big thing on my mind is beethoven sonatas and mozart piano music. i have a growing desire to work on some mozart and beethoven.

so hungry

Storm and Trembling

Recently I have been very interested in classical period piano music. Specifically, that of Mozart and a lesser extent, Beethoven sonatas. I feel there's something 'geometric' about it, there's something that feels formalistically united and I find a certain beauty to the order and balance within such music. I am really attracted to the idea of musical order, maybe because I seek such order in my mind and I feel like in some 'spiritual' way

I find something interesting about that period of music. There's inklings in poetry of the human condition experiencing a loss of order, a quasi battle between the sense of order and cleanliness, against human emotion and passion. In Romanticism, human feeling wins over against form, in Baroque, formalism reigns supereme, but in the classical period, they have equal and dual supremacy. Okay so that's a bit of an overstatement.

Anyway ...I'll just do some errands before I'm off to work. Maybe find some Beethoven in my mp3 player. I really want to play some Beethoven now!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

unfamiliar situations this fortnight

on my birthday week i did 4 new and unfamiliar situations -

this week... 1, but it was a big one. In context of the month...its a fucking lot!

i feel like I haven't recovered and processed it all:

  • visiting friend in guildford, involved half naked women being massaged by me
  • met lenore on my birthday in the park
  • jam session
  • Mentoring kids
  • Performing at my music reunion.

On this Day (2011)

21/07/2011: I purchased an Alienware mx11 laptop and it came in today. This is the first laptop that I've gotten since 2008. I see this as a transition: I'd like to see it as a transition. The old laptop I've had for so long that I would wish not only to move away from it, but move toward a new phase in my life.  (ironically this is written from my hi-grade laptop), happy birthday Alienware. I probably need to replace it next year lol

From my Diary 'On this Day 20/07/2012'

Vincent had a manic episode, amber was in the house today. Mum and Dad went to see him and he ended up nearly getting sectioned. This has been quite a distressing day for all concerned. Vincy was acting in a very manic way, saying things about MI5 watching him, how he used to be the MP of Morden, asking if jesus ate meat, asking to put a bottle of wine on someone's head to take his blood pressure, pulling out the carpet, disassembling karaoke machines and so forth.


Saturday, July 20, 2013

This weekend


Two classes in the morning, then went to all-day party bbq. Lots of fun. On the way home I felt a deep sense of anxiety - hard to breathe, stomach upset. I vomited several times on the street on my way home. Not my proudest moment. I think I need to keep an eye on that - I had the same problem last week after going to guildford.



Wake up, go to garden. Garden annoyance - this volunteering feels more like a chore to me lately and I am finding one specific older lady particularly grating and she's reaching my limit. I'm feeling like I'm reaching the limit of my patience with people. I know she means well, but I just don't like her.

Afterwards I got home, ate a bit, had a wank, then I went to my nephew's birthday party. A few kids, that was fun. There was a few family friends, couple of cousins, that was nice. I talked a bit to a friend of my sister's she's a lawyer for a corporation that another friend of mine works for. We shared scandal stories.She made me feel anxious, because she was pretty, finnish and friendly. Many of these things feel intimidating to me, mainly because I am a career-limbo Gen-Y loser.

Reflecting on the weekend

I'm marking everything up on my calendar right now. I'm writing this blog post as a way of helping me process and catch up with my feelings, and everything that has happeened.

An 'on this day' tells me about how Vince had a manic episode this time yesterday last year. Its otable that this week Vince was on the conversation topics as his mania is becoming an issue. My friend yesterday at the bbq was asking me about my brother's use of antidepressants. 'I didn't know he took antidepressants, did you?'

"no" I lie.

Mental health is a bit of a growing issue of acceptable conversation. Last night at the BBQ we were reminiscing various past times to my friend's 7-month girlfriend. The period between the years 2004-2007 were addressed, i.e. 'the depression years'. My friend was mmentioning on several occaisions how I was depressed and 'like a different person' back then. Back then I needed alcohol just to feel some kind of normal. Fucking hell I hated myself. I feel a little more comfortable with myself now...I've got more to do to improve my life.

Things that are grating on my mind right now:

  • Going home from the BBQ today I felt uncomfortable that I gave the wrong driving route on the way home and it took too long to get home
  • Talking to my sister's lawyer friend and the way she talked to me like a normal human being
  • My brother blogging about going off his sertraline - makes me think about my own mental illness and how I am not comfortable with confronting it, personally let alone publically - I guess he's a stronger person than I could ever be to be so open about it
  • The little things my friend (who hosted the BBQ) says that scratches me, mentioning who I used to be in the past, in particular, mentioning my depression, in particular
  • The fact that I haven't done much this weekend except go to social occaisions. I really wish I had a day on my own doing 'nothing', or better still, do some work
  • I'm feeling anxiety about the group of feminist activists that I wrote a couple of songs for - I'm feeling a big feeling and sense of rejection/exclusion from them..and not sure why this matters so much to me.


I'm not sure how to cope with these feelings. It feels like its something boiling and I don't know how to cool it down. I wish I knew how to cope. I know that the whole CBT thing is happening soon, but part of me also feels that honestly I don't expect any progress, because I have been disappointed by the mental health people so much in the past, if I based my predictions based on past experiences, then I have very poor prospects. (The problem of being a Bayesian). I need to procrasturbate less.

O-n-w-a-r-d-s- - - - - - -

  • gotta do my weekly review now

Friday, July 19, 2013

Thinking about my memories of school. Not everything was rosy...

  • One of my friends was 'coerced' into converting to catholicism in order to get into the school
  • Another of my friends got a lot of stick because his parents were poor and he had a bit of support like free meals and stuff
  • Lots of my friends got bullied
  • I got bullied a bit. The psychologist today was asking me if I was bullied. I didn't tell her the whole truth. I told her vaguely that I dont remember, I remember little things and being around friends whho were bullied more...but the truth is there was a guy who would racially harass me. I didn't like it. In fact its one of those memories I try to repress. I saw the guy once at a wetherspoons and I just felt like I had to leave the pub, I didnt want to do anything but go home. I dont want anythign to do with him or any chance of bumping into him.
  • I didnt have many friends until sixth form. I don't talk about that period of time very much
  • Until sixth form I was a coasting pupil

Dear Diary,

Things I've done today:


  • Some Archiving
  • Manscaping
  • Purple schema tasks
  • Body Attack
  • CXWorx
  • Body Combat (the receptionist at the gym gave me a bit of a weird look when I said I'm doing three classes in succession - I guess it is wweird to do 3 classes in a row - 2.5 hours at the gym)


  • Vince's mental health problems an issue lately
  • I felt a lot of difficult feelings today, but I'm not sure how to describe them...yet
  • I've been listening to a nice philosophy podcast on histroy of philosophy - most of the episodes from last year about aristotle
  • Today is the 6 year anniversary of my graduation - i feel like a failure
  • Reflecting on the reunion on monday

Reflecting on the reunion - I have been feeling a lot of difficult feelings. I felt like I belonged to the college. The school I went to was a religious school, but they also have fingers in lots of pies - Oxford, Rome, they own universities in the USA and the UK. My former headmaster is now like a seriosuly influential person in the community, social work and education sectors. When those alumni and my music teacher saw me, I felt like a golden boy, I felt like some upper level Avenger among SHIELD agents. I felt like a Saiyan among humans and picollo as part of the Z fighters.I felt this sense of belonging that I just don't have in my adult life anymore, and it makes me really sad, it makes me realise how isolated I feel. How I wish I could belong to something really big.

I sweated stuff out at the gym today. I really pushed my stamina. I'd like to think that 2.5 hour sessions at the gym become easier the more I do it. Becoming easier is perhaps another way of saying: It doesn't hurt as much - but it did hurt a lot, a fucking lot, so much that I felt spiritually inclined when I was in that pain. I have been feeling things that can only be described by me as spiritual lately.

The socialist invited me to an information evening at a nearby Buddhist know I am tempted to go. A few people in the community group are telling me about Buddhism, and if Schoepenhauer and Nietzsche like Buddhism, it can't be that bad.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

a letter from futureme

I'm reading an email from about a year ago from futureme. it says how I'm getting a lot involved witht he community group, and I want to be involved less. Oh how some things don't change!


The email then gets suddenly personal: asking about the weddings last summer, and if there were any cute girls there (can't remember). I do look thinner a year ago.


Must do triple session at gym tonight!

my own intolerance

Dear Diary,

There are days when I just don't want to engage with stuff. Mum and dad are telling me that Vince who I mentioned before, is having bipolar issues. It's getting pretty bad. My brother put up a thing on his facebook about coming off antidepressants, and my socialist friend is inviting me to a march against the english something or other taskforce which is complaining about asylum seekers at the UKBA/Home Office.

I'm the one who says all reality is political etc. But I am finding it hard to deal with these issues at home. Maybe I should get my house to order. Its weird. Am I against them talking about it? or am I against me talking about my experiences? If its the former, I'm as intolerant as all the people who talk about stigma in mental illness. If its the latter, I'm self-perpetuating my stigma? Or am I just unwilling to talk about it. I really don't know to be honest, but I should say this. |I am feeling there's a lot of stuff that when talked about makes me feel uncomfortable, and that's my issue that I need to de4al with. That's not anyone elses. Like my colleague yesterday who told my boss how she was in menopause when she got married at 45 or something, and her husband was 12 or so years younger than her. IT was the moment when she said 'so I'm 64 now, he's 48' (wait that's 16 years isn't it? -whatever).

I think I have some issues I need to deal with, of my own intolerance. Not quite sure how to cope with that.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

But first, water.

Dear Diary.

I'm feeling like I'm getting short with everyone at work. I was talking to a colleague at how talkative two certain older colleagues are and I am just trying to tolerate it. Then my colleague says: 'yes but there's a limit, isn't there?'. We laughed at that point - there is a limit to how many times I hear the same story told over and over again. Fuck me.


Very stuffy outside, I'm feeling very lethargic from all the sun and all the activity at work today. It felt longer than it needed to.


I'm deliberating about going to the gym tonight. I am thinking to myself that it might be a valid option to not go. Or a compromise: just do body balance.


As I got home, I am checking out how attractive some of my friends are on facebook. God is that okay to think such a thing? Their sexy holiday pictures do cause a bit of a stir within me. They are hot! I wish I had a hot body. Need to go to the gym more - but I'm making excuses like 'ooh its humid I'm a fucking pussy I regret everything in my life because of Marie and my eating disorder'. Well I'll say FUCK YOU  towho I used to be and I need to push myself more.

I'm going to the gym later, I really must.

But first, water.

Dear Diary,

I feel like I have too much to do.

Perhaps I need to be more deliberate with what I do, rather than doing more. Perhaps I need to do less, instead of attempting to be so many people.

Maybe I'll even try to go to bed at midnight for once.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

dear diary

Everyone seems to be more sociable this time of year. It's all about the parties it seems. You know I haven't even processed what happened on sunday - with the semi naked fetlife girls that I massaged - I still seem to be fixated on my piano performance.


Another thing that is on my mind is the cute lady from the garden who is inviting me to her housewarming.It's a summer saturday afternoon with a barbeque, alcohol and other such things. It feels so nice to be invited. I hardly know her, despite all the time we've spent together doing things garden. She likes to update on facebook a lot, though she works in an industry where being very tweety and facebooky are part and parcel of the personality.

You know whats really fucked up - employers check you out in terms of your facebook and twtiter presence, they also judge you by your tweets as well as the stuff you don't tweet. So you are damned if you don't tweet, and sometimes damned if you do.

I bet I sound really wanky and middle class aspirational with my twitter. You know I fucking hate myself with the way Ipresent myself. I kind of wish I had more of an authentic voice from this blog in my real thoughts and feelings and expressions in real life.


But I think I am getting close to that. I am happy with being candid and open as a matter of degree, by that I mean I'm getting better at radical honesty.

Part of me is thinking to myself: I better go to bed - work tomorrow. Another part of me feels restless thinking to myself: I can't believe its work tomorrow there's so much shit I want to do before I sleep.


To be honest, I've been working on a few things over the past couple hours and if it couldn't have been done then then I'll have to do it tomorrow. IF worst comes to worse, I'll just cancel gym tomorrow!


Onwards - well maybe one more social email then I'll go.

note to self: those little pimples on my head are mosquito bites. Fuck.


I need to remember that I'm going to work tomorrow. Don't forget I still try to earn money!

Dear Diary,


The fatigue is pretty intensive at the moment. It is sucking the energy out of me, plus makes me leak water from my skin a lot. Badminton was pretty tough. I got injured. I would say to myself: now this performance is behind me I can get on with tasks.

I think that's going to take a bit more time. I'd like to do more though. Not easy, easier said than done.


Got a big fucking list of things to do.

'on this day' week 2-3 July 2010s

In recent years I have put up an 'on this day' feature on my calendar. I think I'll just mention some of today:

  • 2010 Eileen's son, Giles had a funeral
  • 2011 I gave a talk at an art gallery on philosophy

On this day minus one day:

  • 2013 I performed at my college for my teacher's retirement.

power rangers reunion.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a profound spiritual experience. The old boys network was so amazing to be around and it was nie to feel like I am someone special, it was nice to feel like I was someone again. I told lots of stories, I heard lots of stories too. Its so nice to hear from former schoolboys sitting in the same chairs we used to 'in our day'. I kept saying that a lot, 'in our day'. In our day the musicians were really intense and amazing, I was the wosrt of them, I kept telling them that. I miss those days in some ways. I don't miss the past. I just miss the community. I miss the friends, i miss the teachers with amazing personalities.


It felt like a Power rangers reunion. I was like tommy or jason or something, and I a few of the generations after me. But I'll always be tommy and or jason to them. God it really touched my heart.

And now, I just have to get on with my life.

At the train station going to the performance I was thinking to myself: what about afterwards? and I chastised myself thinking: there is no afterwards, all that matters is the event when I play. But I do realise a pattern in my thinking that I fixate on one thing and then I'm excited that it happened, but then I feel deflated afterwards, and I'm not sure how to look at myself after its done. Maybe there's a next big thing to look forward too, but in this case, and in many cases past, there weren't, and I just felt deflated. I need to get back on the horse and move forward.

Reunion and Retirement

so last night, or just a few hours ago, was the reunion. I played. I played okay, everyone there thought I was a legend, amazing was the word used. They were all impressed at my playing and how I represented a past era of schooling. I represented a past era of musicians. I represented a golden age.

The guys at the college would say to me at the pub after the concert how amazing I was and I said to them, if you thought thwat was good you should have heard the guys after me. My teacher complimented me too, he said how he was reminded of  our old era together and what we represented. Teacher's wife saidd to me how much what I did meant to him. I played for him, and I touched his heart. He touched us all. We celebrated him. I performed apparently legendarily. Everyone is happy. Most of all I feel happy.

On the way home as I was walking back to my life I was thinking to mysself how I need to let go of what I just played and get on with what my life represents now. I was a legend and a hero and a past warrior to those impressionable kids and younger alumni, but I know better. I'm a loser who needs to do more. I also felt lonely because I miss who I used to be. I miss being so popular and so liked and so respected. I don't get no respect in real life and nobody gives a fuck that I can play piano pretty well. Nobody gives a fuck about me seems and feels the default that I find it hard to take compliments

I felt this massive anxiety after I finished playing, like I was drained of my life force. I had a good time tonight.

I'm glad.

Ohter things happeing on monday:

  • Piano practice
  • Psychological assessment - I start CBT in 2 weeks.
  • Reading friends essay
  • Walking around school...

Monday, July 15, 2013

Dear Diary,

Got back from the psychologist appointment. I think we are going to do CBT. I think the therapist/doctor/psychologist is doing CBT around very specific situations.

Today I'm going to the reunion. It's the one biggest thing on my mind right now. Seeing my old teacher, being among my peers and performing. Gosh its all so much. I want it to be perfect and I don't want to forget anything. I think I might try to put my laces on my shoes the right way on the brogues.

Maybe I'll do that now. But first: put my next doctor's appointment in the calendar.

Saw this news story on the bbc web page just now:

Fucking depresses me.

Morning thoughts (the past week)

Dear Diary,

Last week: wow.

So this saturday, wow. So I was mentoring these kids and allocating funding to some projects relating to community projects. That was fun. Afterwards I went to a shithole in south london which is known for having a nice little retail outlet off the beaten track. I went there and I got a couple of lonsdale shirts. Those training shirts that are really tight and remind me of The Rock from Fast Five and Fast and the Furious 6. I also bought a pair of shorts that I can use for training, badminton and running. It is one of those Nike Dri-Fit ones so it feels soft to the skin, is lightweight and repels sweat water. I wish it was lower cut so emphasise my thigh definition but you can't win them all. I find ith ard to find shorts I like. Would you believe that I'm really picky about what I want to wear? If I ever find something I really like it will be all I ever want to wear. This season I'm all about dark beige trousers and tight black t shirts. All I am missing are the sexy tactical boots, a gun holster, a tactical vest and some sexy tactical gloves. I'm so badly trying to channel Dwayne Johnson from Fast Five. That sexy beast.

Then there was After I did the mentoring on Saturday, a woman from fetlife invited me to her house as she had a pool party of sorts going on. What happened was that she got a neat little paddling pool that was adult sized and it was a really hot day. I also intimated that I had a collection of massage oils that I never use. So the woman (I should give her a name at some point) whom I met before in central london for lunch once, invited me to her place in surrey. There I met her girlfriend, her long term boyfriend and another woman with whom they are also intimate. She referred to the big intimate commune as a family. For all intents and purposes they are a family. I've never been so near to polyamory in that way before, seeing all the kissing and cuddling and such together. It's sweet, but also very new and very unfamiliar to me. Also I might say very challenging to the ideas I've been growing up with. I talked to the boyfriend (who was a massive nerd like me) for a while and he too mentioned how this was very new to him as well and he's learning about polyamory. It does seem like fun. Don't know if I could do it though. I don't even know if I could ever have a real relationship again.

It wasn't the polyamory thing that bemused me the most, it wasn't the way they were so open about affection, it wasn't even how they had all this kinky stuff in their garage and how little clothes they wore in front of me. The most bizarre thing to me was how there were adults who didn't have a care in the world on a sunday afternoon, when I am so familiar with 'training' and other such concepts so obsessively focussed on self-development, self-furthering and egotistically increasing my powers of mental and physical and spiritual and intellectual domains. In short I was thinking to myself: so this is how the other side lives: having a lovely time, being polyamorous and being sociable.

Me by contrast, I have extremely limited and very very limiting social interactions in person. I do chat to lots of people online and perhaps in a way thats the most sociable I have learned to be. It was really hard this week to do all this social stuff. On wednesday I met up with Lenore for my *ahem* 27 club day. Then I went to a jam session in southeast london spontaneously after work - I didn't even bring any sheet music with me. I finished late and missed a gym class, that caused a lot of anxiety. Then of course there was aforementioned saturday and sunday.

Today I'm going to a psychological assessment appointment, last week we talked about new and unfamiliar situations. I think last week I went through a lot of those. On tuesday I was worried that my birthday wouldn't be so good. Turns out it was a great week of challenges. I met up with Lenore and she makes me feel really valued and special. I felt really special when I told the teenagers at the mentoring thing how I composed 2 songs that are showcasing in a show at the Edingburgh Fringe, they gave me a really big cheer. Then on sunday the most unexpected thing ever happened to me. That woman from fetlife was almost fully naked in front of me and I was massaging her sexy body. I also massaged her girlfriend but unfortunately she felt queasy part of the way through. I did make a good effort not to go all weird about it. I was remembering all the old techniques I learned from massage. I felt like I was re-learning stuff through my hands, in a way its like the piano: learning things embedded in the back of my mind through my hands, instead of through my eyes. That said, my optically oriented memory is okay too. I had a lovely day yesterday, except for the anxiety at the end when I needed to say I had to leave the house.

I might get a chance to talk about those feelings this session today. I should probably talk I might talk about how as soon as I got home I had a bath and then I felt immediately sick and I threw up in the toilet and I felt horrible.I was then watching episodes of cow and chicken and then fell asleep on the couch. Its cooler downstairs. I had to open the door to my bedroom as I slept, I think that allows more air to circulate or something.

I woke up near to 6am today, although I've had interrupted moments of wake in the past few hours. I'm going to plan 2 intensive hours of piano from 9am. Before then I am trying to just do odd jobs. Then I think I'll think about going to the hospital for the appointment. I like having this blog because its like processing all my feeligns and thoughts. Because so much seemed to happen this week I feel I need it.

However now, I need to move forward.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Lost opportunity

Just when I started getting along with the socialist girl fromt he garden, she's moving out to leeds to go to uni there.

Fuck. Makes me a little sad in a way. Makes me wonder if we could have been better friends.

Makes me sad, feels like a lost opportunity.


In other news, did 2 hours piano today.

[something I think is diary worthy -but acutally a message I just sent now to someone from FL]



I had a difficult time with anxiety yesterday. After work a friend invited me over for a jamming session, it was semi-planned. By that I mean, he suggested it but I never got back to him about agreeing to the plan. So I had to go to another part of london (although not too far from home) from work and make a new journey.

The thing that caused anxiety was that I finished later than I wanted. I put a timer on to say 'this is the cut off point of our rehearsal' but we went over 10 minutes (I used a stopwatch to measure). I felt very irritable because I had a plan to do some gym training and classes afterwards, and I had a probability matrix of P(0.90) that I would miss the class.

I thought I'd try and do my best to fight the odds and I rushed home to get my gym kit and rushed back to the gym, but I was 3 minutes too late. That made me feel even more frustrated and I am not quite sure why. Maybe because I hate when things don't go to plan, or I hate when things interrupt a pre-established plan. I do feel that I get irritable if I don't do the gym sessions when I plan it.

However after the weights session and the class (I was too late for the first one) I felt that I wasn't physically irritable and I felt more physically relaxed. I guess I was forcibly relaxed after all the stuff I pushed myself through. I enjoy pushing myself, physically, mentally. But its not something I can turn on and off. I also knew I was anxious because I felt like I needed to go to the toilet, that's something that happens a lot when I am close to anxiety. Its almost like an early warning signal - or that it's too late to avoid it -still not sure.

It was my birthday this week. I decided on the day to do something spontaneous, I met up with a girl I initially went on a date with a couple months ago. We met up to talk. She's really insightful and she's very sensitive. Lenore is a little bit dark too. Lenore says that she is happy to know me and that she hopes we can be good friends. I like her company too, I feel I can be honest with her. I'm also quite glad there's almost zero sexual attraction on her part to me, that ironically makes me feel less anxious because there's no overtones or anything like that.

Dear Diary

Things I've done so far today:

  • Emailing
  • Set up garden roster
  • Set up to do list for garden
  • Piano
  • Shopping
  • Put coins and birthday money into my account
  • Archiving (a little bit)

Things I want to do:

  • More catchup
  • More task listings of what i need to do - make a more established to do list
  • go to sainsburys and get potatoes for bbq salad
  • piano practice - work on fingering
  • (vague void that is undefinably intangible that is occupying my mind that is potentially the eeling of indecision that eats away at my mind with the false sense that I'm doing something)

Things I'll need to do:

  • Investigate PhD fellowships
  • Set up job search task with GMG
  • Piano practice
  • Email catchup
  • Garden stuff
  • Answer query: RE whether I can be musical director
  • Buy stuff (shampoo, shorts)

You know what really depresses me. I spent some of the birthday money I got on my oyster card. It combines the magic of my birthday specialness with the real bullshit mediocrity of real life. Welcome to adulthood

I am going out of the house for an errand. I'm going to get myself a lunch while I'm at it.

dear diary,


i wronte something on here but then my computer fucking crashed.

Basically I have al ot to do today. But then I realised I need to go outside and leave the house for an errand. As a consequence it takes time away from at home.

I have a fuckton to do lately. Maybe I'll just try swimming through it with the mental impression that I'm in a rush. That usually helps.

Onwards, as they say.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

On this day: improvisation, gym, anxiety and work.

My day:


Woke up feeling like shit. Only slept 4 hours. Went to work. Got fucked over on the train with the packed crowd in that metal tin. At work it was quiet. Nice atmosphere. I had some breakfast at work at the lovely cantine. After work I had a text from my friend the saxophonist to ask if i was available to rehearse. I did. I had to make a new route to get there. That caused a bit of anxiety later on. My friend said he's coming from work and I needed to wait a while. Eventually we did some improvisation stuff and playing. It was fun. I think he needs a lot of work. So do I, but we are going somewhere. Getting there.

When I play as a pianist in the ensemble stuff recently, I feel like I'm flying with wings. When I'm practicing on my own, it feels like I'm punching a wall. I need both. I need the confidence of showing off, but I also need the authentic training that backs up that arrogant showing off.

After we finished the session, I realised I didn't have enough time to do the gym session I wanted...short story: I had a a mild anxiety attack in public and I was feeling very impulsive. I was taking buses and rushing home. When I got home I rushed to the gym. I was 6 minutes too late to get a place on the class. Part of me knew that, but another part of me felt: I had to try to get a place. So instead I did some weight training and then went to wait for the body attack class. The beautiful trainer who I obviously fancy was there, she held my hand, well, by held my hand, she did this high five that was very gentle and where she clasps her hand onto mine rather than the 'slapping' motion of a high five. I'm crushing on her pretty hard. I wonder if she has any tinglings for me.

Yesterday I met up with Lenore, that was fun. It was also spontaneous, but controlled. Today's sponteneity was challenging. I did a lot of unusual tasks and non-routine tasks. That caused a bit of anxiety, it caused a bit of angst. But the gym helped me through.

I'm going to get some food now. Hungry. Then maybe I'll wash. Tomorrow I've got lots of emailing and shit that I should have done on wednesday.

Well, lets get on.

Good day today. I do wish I did more, but that's a sign of an effective day.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Dear Diary,

So I've finished watchign Oz. I think its been about 10-11 days watching a show that was 56 episodes, 6 seasons and a lot of darkness.

God now I can get on with my life. That was a really fucking long show.

Been thinking about my birthday. I feel miserable about it. On the other hand I have lots of things not to feel miserable about. I almost have hope.

And I also have no hope

I am on the cusp of it all once again.

I hope next year will be different. Like I said last year (I'm guessing). I hope next year will be better. Last year was worse than this year. I guess by that as a comparison, its better.

I can't sleep. Now that I've finished Oz. I might lay in bed and snack.

I needed a break (Introducing Lenore)

So um - the birthday day went something like this:


Call from my bro: 'hey bro happy birthday, want to go for lunch?' Sure, I said.

We went for a nice lunch, he bought me shit from uniqlo. I got a nice vest. I went home kinda full, tired. I thought to myself, I want to do something to escape today. So I texted Lenore. Lenore is the girl I went out with who said she wasn't romantically into me, but we should still be friends. It's nice to have a female friend, she's so open to me. Last time I talked with her I was talking about her eating disorder. Today she was telling me about her dark inner voices. Lenore is surprisingly dark. Lenore does community volunteer work as well. Lenore has a history with singing and performing. Lenore has regrets, Lenore has fears like mine. It's the whole 20-something sense of disappointment, working in a role you are overqualified for, but underqualified for the job you want. 

I couldn't help but notice how attractive her body was, then I suppressed those thoughts. Lenore is someone i've been chatting to on okcupid for a while. It's nice to hear from her, its nice to have her as a friend. I felt anxious about meeting her. I like knowing someone like her. I feel like she's a really nice supportive person. I wish I could be supportive for her. Maybe just her knowing me helps her. I am glad she did me a solid and met up with me on my birthday. Lenore didn't know it was my birthday, but I did tell her I wanted someone to talk to to avoid my own issues today. I told her todayis the day when you aren't allowed to be miserable. I was getting close to misery, but she helped me out.

So what did I do today?

  • Lunch with bro
  • Shopping with bro
  • Cardio
  • Piano practice (brief)
  • met up with Lenore


Got work later today. I've only got a few hours to sleep for it. Waking up early. Gettign home probably by 3pm. Then afterwards doing gym session, or maybe sleep? Hopefully will do some reading at work.

I felt anxious about texting Lenore, I felt like what I did was genuinely spontaneous and a new situation.

Anyway, I better go to bed. I am so behind on shit lately, but I haven't made much efforteither. I took the day off my regular life today. I needed a break.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

To do list for today

To do list for today

  • Email catch up
  • Think about what I need to do

Things I should do today

  • Reading
  • Piano practice
  • Job searching
  • Clearing tasks on my schedule

Maybe S5 logic is right - actuality is the only modality

The doctors want to help with my anxiety.

I wish someone could wave a magic wand and its my 27th birthday and I'm an academic. Maybe I live outside of london in a nice town, like Oxford or Reading or Edinburgh. I have a girlfriend, we have a kinky life, maybe we are polyamorous and I also have a boyfriend and we have fun group sex. I have a nice sports car and a big book shelf, I have a piano in my study. But I wouldn't have the life that I have now.

I try not to daydream like that. I feel its not helpful.

I wish the doctors could help me more. I wish I knew how to say what I needed - could you make that life happen for me? Could someone improve me, could someone fix me? I need a magical black man like in all those hollywood films, or a manic pixie dream girl. Why can't I just be ignorant enough to imagine there are such things as a magical black man or MPDG - but there aren't. I've got this life, its the only one I have. Maybe S5 logic is right - actuality is the only modality

things i do on my birthday week

Dear Diary,

I have had lots of thoughts mulling over in my head. I have been doing a lot of music stuff lately. I find it a real joy to be musical, its really draining but I feel like I'm creating something and putting something into the world. I love exploring different styles There's a weird disjunct between what I like performing and what I actually listen to musically.

Yesterday I was rehearsing/mentoring my friend. It was fun. Today I did some practicing. I need to do a bit more to work on my piece for next week. But I see the end of the tunnel.

Lets summarise today:

  • Booked appointment for next week
  • Hospital Assessment
  • Piano practice
  • Watching Oz
  • Bought toiletries (deeply urgent despite what you might think)
  • Body Combat
  • Training


On paper it feels like a lot. With this sunny weather I feel like I have a real limitation with what I can do. The heat kills. I really love my 'prison beard'. I also like the term 'Isolation beard'. I feel like the beard is fitting my face. It feels like its fitting my personality. The last time I had a beard Eileen died. Fuck I hated those times. I also started really getting into Body Attack, then I got into Body Combat, then I got into CXWorx, and now I'm doing double/triple sessions at the gym. I would like to think its helping my stamina and aspects of my fitness. Diet is a big issue to. Gotta cut out all the shit I eat.

My birthday is coming up and it is really in the back of my mind. I don't want to do anything. I have enough to do lately: piano practicing, book reviewing, waiiting for my next assignment at the Sentinel, working at Shambly...

I do love watching oz, I appreciate its taking a fuckload of my time lately. I will have finished all the episodes soon, then I can get back to my life. I think I started growing the beard when I started watching Oz. Man it's a lot of episodes.

I am going bedwards.

Good night

p.s. I thought to myself that I might write a blog post saying 'I have nothing to say, expect this more often'. But instead I seem to have insights.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Things happening today:

  • Hospital assessment
  • Booked next appointment (more assessment)
  • Purchased Toiletries

Things I hope to do later:

  • Training
  • Body Combat
  • Piano practice
  • Reading?


Thinking about the psychological assessment. I had to talk about my anxiety, I had to answer pretty in depth questions about how I felt and how situations happened and what the process is. In honesty I feel like it required a lot of introspection that I wasn't so good and capable of doing. Nearly had an upset trigger.


maybe i'll have a chance to deal with it better

i had a weird dream last night - basically the essence of the dream was that i forgot to swipe out of a train station and i got charged £8 and i thought to myself: ah fucking hell  - evidently im worried about money again.


i'm off to the psychologist appointment. wish me luck, ha i'm kidding, nobody fucking reads this blog

birthday week


dear diary

had a rehearsal with my friend today. we were doing lots of music stuff. he brought two cans of beer over. I decided to have one. I thought 'd have them both. but i think i'm going to put the other one in the fridge. don't want to over do it.


in other news.

its my birthday week

Saturday, July 6, 2013

prison beard

Dear Diary,

The love affair that was two screen computer interface has died. My monitor was fucking up all day and distracted me to no end due to the disturbance it caused. I finally decided to retire it, until the next time.

In other news, today my friend invited me to help him move into his flat tomorrow, he needs some extra hands and company with driving around. I'm happy to help, he's my bro, he's my buddy.

I'm also supposed to do a rehearsal on sunday at 3pm, after the garden. Honestly I'm not really feeling it. I don't think he can take a hint.

I didn't do any piano practice today, nor did I do any reading for the book review. I'm feeling a bit stupoured today. I guess you could say I'm feeling a bit low, tired. Watching all those episodes of Oz is depressing me a little. I am growing a 'prison beard' at the moment. Every day that I've been doing some intensive piano training I haven't shaved. That's about 4-5 days now. I think I  might keep the beard, it feels like a tattoo, or a personal mark of achievement, a sense of a personal journey. I'm not ready to let go of it yet. Facial hair with meaning. Everything with my appearance seems to attempt a personal sense of meaning, except for the things I can't choose, like the little beauty spot on my chest, or the other intimate parts of my body.

So I've been watching oz, wanking and sweating in the humid heat. For the past week or so the humidity has gone right up.

Tomorrow I'm thinking about cancelling the gym. I really want to go. The cute instructor will be there, and the girl at the local pub who talked to me. It's almost resembling a social life being there.

However I've got my friend to help out. I guess I'll let my bro down if I weren't there. I find it a bit of a chore to hang around him, it feels like a lot of effort. Then again, everything feels like effort lately. Even doing nothing.

Until this very second I forgot one memory of summers past - what its like to be depressed over summer. In some ways this is the best summer I've had since ...since the year I did my 'A' level recital. Funny that I am going back to that physical place and performing at my old school in a few days time.

I feel like I've moved on, but physically and symbolically and psychologically, I still have a foot in the past.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Dear Diary,

Things I've done today:

  • Training session (weights)
  • Body Attack Class
  • Body Combat class
  • Purple schema tasks
  • Piano practice
  • Reading for book review
  • Watching Oz/Archiving

Other things on my mind today:

  • My sense of isolation
  • Lack of motivation
  • Diminishing sense of hope
  • Fatigue
  • Thinking about garden stuff.

I had an interesting bit of banter with the lovely lady at the gym today. She told me a funny anecdote. It was non-gym related. I wonder if I should stop analysing every interaction I have with a woman i fancy. Then again, I wouldn't be me if I didn't over analyse that shit. I've been watching a lot of Oz lately, and the prison surroundings remind me of my life in a lot of ways. I feel like I am in a prison of my own in certain ways. I don't know whether that's comforting or depressing.


Training is the philosophy I seem to live by.

Got a text from a friend today. He's asking if I can rehearse with him to prepare a piece with him by the time of the reunion. I didn't say no to him, but I did say I'm taking this very seriously. We have to get a piece that's ready and working, no mistakes, no errata, no poor style. It's got to be done right.

I'm going to try practicing piano, my mind feels focussed. I love it. I am also thinking about later today, I'll be doing training of a different sort, three classes at the gym hopefully. Another form of training is training of the mind, focussing my reading and keeping intellectually sharp.

I need to stay sharp. Watching Oz makes me realise how imprisoned I feel in myl ife. Those prisoners in Oz have nothing, but they do have a gym. Training is the only thing that can keep them alive, when there's no hope. Either that or drugs, or sexually abusing prisoner-prags. I think I'll go for training.


Dear Diary,

I have to admit something. I kinda fancy a few of my most recent facebook friend adds. People I've met through the garden. I can't help but be attracted to women who have green values or think ethically about living their lives and their consumption. Also, something about older women turns me on.

Fuck, there I said it. Just seeing their status updates makes me feel giddy.Haven't felt giddy about someone like this in a while, except maybe a few girls at Shambly.

How Do you like your eggs in the morning - a memory

Dear diary,

Perhaps one way I can measure how I feel is the way in which I wake up. To consider what I have to get up for at any given day. To think of what the structure of my day is, or whether there is any structure. I don't feel any structure right now. I feel slightly miserable. There's a little ditty thats going on in my mind at the moment. Do you ever have that? when there's a song, an earworm repeating in your head. I have this song playing in my head: 'How D'ya like your eggs in the morning' sung by Dean Martin and Helen O'Connell. I'll tell you why

Back in second year of uni, I would have these rituals to help comfort me with anxiety. One thing I'd do was listen to London radio station LBC even though I wasn't living or studying in London. It was a throwback from when I was back in my last year of college. I would enjoy listening to the radio late at night and after midnight because I was usually doing all nighters or staying up late, and it would comfort me. I found few things would comfort me back during my anxiety days and I would hold on to anything that used to give me respite. I guess that's why I masturbated all the time, it was the one thing depression and anxiety couldn't take away from me, although it did diminish my pleasure from wanking.

That song by Dean Martin, comes to mind because at the time during 2006, there was an advert, I think it was an insurance advert constantly playing on LBC. I would remember hearing it played during the mornings, when I felt tranquilised and dead by the antidepressants. I felt hopeless and with no motivation, yet this very pleasant and happy little ditty would play. It felt like torture, it felt like reminding me that I should be living a better life but I'm suffering instead. Suffering, suffering. That's an interesting word. I think it fits. I spent years suffering.

I wake up now, thinking about that song. I don't know why, my brain is constantly making associations. That's probably what makes my intellectual self so ecclectic. I should get on with my day. Maybe I can make something positive from it, even though deep down I feel hopeless.

Plan for tomorrow:

  • Triple session at gym
  • Reading book for review
  • Piano practice

Also, I am watching a lot of Oz.

Things I've done Today:

  • Piano Practice
  • Reading
  • Rescheduled ultrasound
  • Went to discussion group

I wish I did more today. But piano practice was good and effective. I did a slow graft on my fingerings.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I'm feeling a little distracted today. I shall summarise what I did yesterday:

  • Garden stuff (tweeting)
  • Body Combat class
  • Training (Cardio and weights)
  • review tasks
  • Booked appt with psychologist
  • archiving
  • Watching Oz all day

I'm doing some tasks today before off to badminton. After badminton I'll practice piano.

I want to say something before I leave the house to get a snack.

I found it difficult to lock the door at the garden, I find using keys difficult. I find it really hard to carry a tray at the cantine at work, when I was at the sentinel. Its really heavy and my hands aren't so good at carrying heavy stuff with just my forearms. Despite all my gym stuff and all my strength, I have very weak childlike hands for fine motor skills. It upsets me. Fucking dyspraxia

tuesday stupour turned to slow grind.

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning feeling miserable. I got up, and tried to focus on other things, made me feel a little less miserable. I'm reading a friend's essay at the moment, doing it for free as he's a friend. I do lots of things for my friends - read their books, check through their uni essays, read their business copy for customer distribution. I guess I'm a nice guy.

I fucked up this weekend. I tried for ages to try and lock the door, and gave up last sunday at the garden, turns out that a homeless man infiltrated the area and was sleeping rough there. I fucked up. I really fucked up bad. Nobody is pointing out any blame yet, but this could cost the project. So there's various things I've got to be mindful of over the next few days: performing in 2 weeks; there's a discussion group I was invited to. I got another shift this month, so I was informed, that's always good. I may have to cancel if I have a placement at the Sentinel, but its all good.

I want to have a snack break right now. It so happens that I'm off work for a few days. I'm doing little tasks while watching Oz on the 2nd screen. I must admit that watching the show was initially amusing, but its causing me a bit of anxiety with the awful situations that the prisoners are going through and inflicting on themselves.

Keep active motherfucker. Keep active.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Dear Diary,

things I've done today:

  • watch a whole lot of oz
  • Archiving
  • Playlisting
  • Garden emailing stuff - social networking/media type things
  • Review of the month
  • Booked psychologist assessment next week.

Not much else. I am going to the gym to work out my anger issues. I am feeling very angry lately, its low level anger, but I feel like everything is irritating me. I think I recognise that my emotional response is not apt or proportional to the amount of concern I am giving it. I need to not sweat the small stuff.

Hopefully if I'm at the gym I'll find some relief, some comfort.

Lets get on to it...

Reviewing this month: new and unfamiliar situations

Things I've done this month:

  • Funeral
  • Start of the 'triple gym session'
  • Two garden events
  • Socialising with garden peopleFuneral
  • GIg at camden and spontaneous drinking/socialising afterwards
  • Started assignment with Sentinel (after much waiting)

In short, this has been a pretty eventful month. Usually summers have been quiet for me. Well, I hope that tradition ends. Here's to a busy summer!

New situations this week - I should be proud of myself.

Today is July 1st. This day has meant many things in years previous. However, right now none of that matters. What matters is the future.

I'm doing a review task of the week. I think one of the notable things happening last week is one of my newer targets that I introduced in May 2013. This Target is to count how many new and unfamiliar situations I have been in. I make a quota of ideally once a month. In a week (last week) I did three. These are:

  • Starting placement at Sentinel
  • Staying in the garden until about 5:30 pm for event (on my own I might add)
  • First monday triple session at the gym that integrates cardio, weights and a class - brutality workout

As far as new situations go, this past week has been challenging.I feel that all this activity is a sign that I am being very active.

Now to compile it all for June's data.


8 is enough

Every month I do what I call a 'review task' for the whole month. Fuck why am I explaining this, I must have said this a few times already.

So I'm doing my review task today right now, starting with my review for last week. I said something in my head that I thought was a bit funny. I said to myself: fuck I've only done 8 fitness sessions this week? What's going on?!


Actually that's a sign that I'm keeping a good fitness lifestyle, at least in terms of activities. I fucked up my knee on the double session on thursday, and I felt like shit on Saturday, so I've been recovering and taking time of gym stuff for a while. Despite this, I did 8 sessions this week. My minimum is 3. I did 11 the week before - which is my basis of comparison. I kind of wish I did more, but surely 8 is enough. (get the cultural reference?)


Monday desk day

Dear Diary,

Currently I am:

  • Catching up with garden emails
  • Watching Glasto videos on youtube from the past weekend
  • Planning tweets from garden stuff last week

Observation: I feel kinda reticent about watching glastonbury videos because I feel like I'm out of the loop about who is popular and cool these days. God, I really am turning old. Fuck!

Let's push on. Thinsg to do today. This is my first desk day in over a week!