Dear Diary,
Last week: wow.
So this saturday, wow. So I was mentoring these kids and allocating funding to some projects relating to community projects. That was fun. Afterwards I went to a shithole in south london which is known for having a nice little retail outlet off the beaten track. I went there and I got a couple of lonsdale shirts. Those training shirts that are really tight and remind me of The Rock from Fast Five and Fast and the Furious 6. I also bought a pair of shorts that I can use for training, badminton and running. It is one of those Nike Dri-Fit ones so it feels soft to the skin, is lightweight and repels sweat water. I wish it was lower cut so emphasise my thigh definition but you can't win them all. I find ith ard to find shorts I like. Would you believe that I'm really picky about what I want to wear? If I ever find something I really like it will be all I ever want to wear. This season I'm all about dark beige trousers and tight black t shirts. All I am missing are the sexy tactical boots, a gun holster, a tactical vest and some sexy tactical gloves. I'm so badly trying to channel Dwayne Johnson from Fast Five. That sexy beast.
Then there was sunday...wow. After I did the mentoring on Saturday, a woman from fetlife invited me to her house as she had a pool party of sorts going on. What happened was that she got a neat little paddling pool that was adult sized and it was a really hot day. I also intimated that I had a collection of massage oils that I never use. So the woman (I should give her a name at some point) whom I met before in central london for lunch once, invited me to her place in surrey. There I met her girlfriend, her long term boyfriend and another woman with whom they are also intimate. She referred to the big intimate commune as a family. For all intents and purposes they are a family. I've never been so near to polyamory in that way before, seeing all the kissing and cuddling and such together. It's sweet, but also very new and very unfamiliar to me. Also I might say very challenging to the ideas I've been growing up with. I talked to the boyfriend (who was a massive nerd like me) for a while and he too mentioned how this was very new to him as well and he's learning about polyamory. It does seem like fun. Don't know if I could do it though. I don't even know if I could ever have a real relationship again.
It wasn't the polyamory thing that bemused me the most, it wasn't the way they were so open about affection, it wasn't even how they had all this kinky stuff in their garage and how little clothes they wore in front of me. The most bizarre thing to me was how there were adults who didn't have a care in the world on a sunday afternoon, when I am so familiar with 'training' and other such concepts so obsessively focussed on self-development, self-furthering and egotistically increasing my powers of mental and physical and spiritual and intellectual domains. In short I was thinking to myself: so this is how the other side lives: having a lovely time, being polyamorous and being sociable.
Me by contrast, I have extremely limited and very very limiting social interactions in person. I do chat to lots of people online and perhaps in a way thats the most sociable I have learned to be. It was really hard this week to do all this social stuff. On wednesday I met up with Lenore for my *ahem* 27 club day. Then I went to a jam session in southeast london spontaneously after work - I didn't even bring any sheet music with me. I finished late and missed a gym class, that caused a lot of anxiety. Then of course there was aforementioned saturday and sunday.
Today I'm going to a psychological assessment appointment, last week we talked about new and unfamiliar situations. I think last week I went through a lot of those. On tuesday I was worried that my birthday wouldn't be so good. Turns out it was a great week of challenges. I met up with Lenore and she makes me feel really valued and special. I felt really special when I told the teenagers at the mentoring thing how I composed 2 songs that are showcasing in a show at the Edingburgh Fringe, they gave me a really big cheer. Then on sunday the most unexpected thing ever happened to me. That woman from fetlife was almost fully naked in front of me and I was massaging her sexy body. I also massaged her girlfriend but unfortunately she felt queasy part of the way through. I did make a good effort not to go all weird about it. I was remembering all the old techniques I learned from massage. I felt like I was re-learning stuff through my hands, in a way its like the piano: learning things embedded in the back of my mind through my hands, instead of through my eyes. That said, my optically oriented memory is okay too. I had a lovely day yesterday, except for the anxiety at the end when I needed to say I had to leave the house.
I might get a chance to talk about those feelings this session today. I should probably talk about.it. I might talk about how as soon as I got home I had a bath and then I felt immediately sick and I threw up in the toilet and I felt horrible.I was then watching episodes of cow and chicken and then fell asleep on the couch. Its cooler downstairs. I had to open the door to my bedroom as I slept, I think that allows more air to circulate or something.
I woke up near to 6am today, although I've had interrupted moments of wake in the past few hours. I'm going to plan 2 intensive hours of piano from 9am. Before then I am trying to just do odd jobs. Then I think I'll think about going to the hospital for the appointment. I like having this blog because its like processing all my feeligns and thoughts. Because so much seemed to happen this week I feel I need it.
However now, I need to move forward.
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