Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Ocarina boy, and Mona

Dear Diary,


It's been a few days since I've posted anything. In terms of face to face and other kinds of communications with people, things have felt quite immense for me lately.


My anxiety is quite high today. More so than it has been for a week or so. Maybe I'll talk about everything since saturday.



So after I did all the composing I thought I'd take the day off. I did two classes at the gym. One friend was at the first, then he left. Another was at the second. I went home, rested a bit, had a bath. Then I went out to see a gig. I knew a few people there and so I didn't feel so bad about going on my own. I went to see Iron man with some friends afterwards. That was fun.


Garden stuff. That was lots of fun. I did a lot of hard working and then I was playing on my little ocarina along the back of the garden in a hidden away place. A few people were commenting on it the next day, and it was nice to have so much gossip and banter about a little thing like that. I quite enjoy playing on my ocarina. When I got home, I didn't do much else that day.


Lets try to remember what happened yesterday: I did some email catchup, garden admin, interview prepping, exploring courses, and I went to a community group AGM and birthday party. I sent off an application, and did some job searching. I did 8 listed tasks that day.

At the party I did some networking and talking. One lady involved with the garden asked me to play with my ocarina (not an innuendo) at a garden exhibition. I laughed, and said yes. I feel odd with the way people are talking about me with the ocarina. I am the ocarina boy it seems. It's nice. At the AGM, there were other groups (of which the garden is one) who were talking about their activities and such. I was particularly taken aback at how blokey it was, and the whole gender performance thing became very notable. I sat with the garden people that evening. I was a little taken aback as I was the only guy among them.

(anxiety trigger and distraction takes over me as I type this, I lose concentration and figure I should just talk about the main thing I wanted to talk about)

So I go home, get some junk food, which I still haven't eaten yet. I see a girl on okcupid, I was chatting to her last week. Let's call her 'Mona'. Mona and I were chatting last week about small things like radio 4 and then suddenly it went to dildos. Mona asked me about what my Desert Island Discs would be. I had a think. I told her and she liked it. Last night she told me she had consolidated her breakup and had come to the concrete realisation that a past relationship was over. Mona asked if she could call me on the phone. I said I'll be anxious and I don't know what to say. Mona said something that threw me: you aren't the only one with anxiety

Mona and I talked for maybe 40 minutes. Mona was telling me how upset she felt. I thought I'd talk to her about random stuff, irrelevant stuff, stuff unrelated to her hurting. I talked for 10 minutes about how I liked candles and the light they bring in a dark place. Mona was talking about how she liked candles too. It relaxed her, it made her feel calm, and then she was sleepy. Mona said it helped that we talked, that I listened to her. Mona then asked me: would you like to meet up sometime? I said I would. I think I also said that I'd get anxious and I am quite inept with women or dating in general. Mona giggled and said that is quite endearing. I then said: I hear that a lot, too. Apparently that was quite funny.We were then talking a little bit more and I said to her: you should go to sleep. Just relax and take in the comfort, and then she did.

I felt like I did a nice thing for a girl, that I find attractive. I also felt that it was a girl that I could possibly get on with. Mona did say: I think we could get on well in real life. Real life. What the hell is real life in this day and age. I am so many persons to many different audiences. I'm ocarina boy, the garden organiser, the guy at the gym, badminton charge/trainee, the guy at work, the supporter of activists, the friend...


It's really tiring for me. I woke up feeling like I am stretched between all these persons, and it doesn't feel good for me. I also feel anxious about Mona. Mona is awesome, she's clever, sweet, articulate, sensitive, sensual, erotic and she's within bus journey distance. Its so exciting in fact, that I could actually go on a date with a girl, talk to her, and be myself, that it causes me anxiety.

After I got up, I had a bath. I washed my hair. I put in cedarwood, marjoram, bergamot and patchouli. My skin is impregnated with lovely oils and scent. I am going to a job interview later. It's in hampstead heath. Do you remember the last time I was at hampstead heath? I was giving an interview for radio 1. That was an age ago.

So I'm staring at the shadow cast by the sun, as outside my window is the direction of the sun, and the sun itself is technically behind my room. It's a nice view, I see all the white of the window frames glowng. I feel my anxiety simmering, its less bad. Still there. I'm going to try and calm down. Then I'll think about prepping for my interview.

Wish me luck

Saturday, April 27, 2013

saturday morning :)

For the past couple days I was worried about not being able to survive the long shifts on friday and saturday. As it turns out. I'm not doing either of them. Cancelled yesterday for work. Then Boss said that there wasn't a need for all of us today, so I volunteered to opt out, but she also gave me another shift in its place. So I ended up with two shifts next month, but losing two this month as a result.


Had to withdraw from my ISA - I'm not a happy bunny about that. I am not going to last without cash.


So Yesterday: interview, shift stuff at work (aforementioned), then I was really tired. I just let myself be tired. I'm still tired a bit now. I seemingly have been busy lately, and as a result I haven't had time to wind down. Today I decided to take things slow, take the day off and go out tonight. I'm going to go somewhere where I might know a few people, but I don't know them too well. It could be a chance to get to know them better.


Abnd with that. I've run out of time already

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

dear diary


7 straight hours of composing. going to gym. i need contrast. i need brain stimulation that doesn't involve music.


I am almost feeling proud of myself.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Things I've done today

  • Failed attempt at hospital assessment
  • Email catchup (unfinished)
  • Entered shifts for may
  • Invited to interview on friday - confirmed I'm going
  • Cancelled shift on friday (see above)
  • Badminton
  • Confirmed availability for interview next week
  • Recieved interview details for 'national newspaper'

All that and I got stopped and searched by the police. Fuck me.


No composing today. Fuck. I'm feeling really anxious and fucked up. I can't understand why. Everything is all well and good.


Things keeping me anxious:

  • Incident with police
  • Thinking about CBT
  • Having to cancel shift at work on Friday on such short notice (basically 48 hours)
  • Composing deadlines

Also - the two interviews out of the three that I am seemingly invited for: one of them is for a national newspaper, the other two are within organisations that I already work for!


Fuck me. I'm asking my colleague who has the same name from a character in Predator to help me cover this shift. I hope he takesthe bait

...another interview! (good news?)

Dear Diary,


Such a long one at work. After filling my tummy with food I feel less shame. Sometimes I wonder if more of my problems are because I forget when its appropriate to eat. I had salad and sausages. I didn't have breakfast today. I did gorge a lot on food yesterday. I got some mcdonalds before work, greggs after work, and that aforementioned chocolate buttons and skittles. Then I ate some other shit at home. I really do like those choccy buttons!

I should say, I know lots of working hours and being tired has gotten in my way, but I should say this: I really enjoyed being able to appreciate taht I've been invited for two interviews within the same week, plus that other interview almost makes for three in a month. That's my quota being met. - hopefully of one interview a month - which I'm exceeding. I was interrupted when writing this blog (at the point where I did the strikethrough), because I got another interview invitation. Fuck. Another one? I may not have gotten that one. I said I can't deal with the issue right now when I was phoned and I will get back to them about it. It's because I'm working that day. I will need to cancel that shift. Maximise my chances - but this interview might not go anywhere, on the other hand, I need an interview. On the other other hand. I need 80 quids. 


Decision matrix time!

I do feel a little bit ashamed of what I did. I wasted my whole morning. Worst of all I have less time to composer. Fuck.

I am also hungry. Those chocolate buttons last night were really good. Cost £1 at the sainsburys. Soo much going on, I really didn't need that police shit. I could use some chocolate buttons, or lovely doritos. I love doritos. I had doritios last night with mayo. I'm going through some emails, to catch up, put in my shifts etc.

I've got to pull my socks up. This ain't no dress rehearsal now. I can't stop thinking about that whole incident earlier today. Its making me wonder: what is the next step? Maybe there is no next step. Maybe I'll wait a few years and then try CBT. I think that's not an option anymore. That's a shame. It's a shame to think that it was.


(p.s. hope i dont get to see police for any time soon)

!!!!!!!!!!! acting stupid today

Dear Diary,
So I went to see the social worker about the CBT referral. Lets say it didn't go too well. I had controlled anger, but apparently controlled anger is too much anger. I ended up waiting for ages, then some police came over because I appeared threatening. I had an intervention with a psychiatrist and the cops were in the room. I emphasised to the psychiatrist how I staged this so that this would be the only way I could talk to a psychiatrist in order to get referred to CBT. Then the psychiatrist said that my problem wasn't anxiety if I'm behaving like this, and that they would in no way refer me to CBT if I act like this.
I'm kind of sad about that. I guess I'm not getting any help. Also worse than that, I could have been arrested. Fortunately, the officer talked to the psychiatrist and seemingly he said he wasn't going to press charges against me. The psychiatrist said: you got off easy in my opinion. I acted like a bit of a dick today. I think my anger is a problem. I think it's something I need to deal with.
I fucked up. On the other hand. I knew that I wasn't going to get referred to CBT. Now it seems to be elevated with the psychiatrist. I wonder now if he thinks I'm a sociopath or something. The psychiatrist did say the fact that I staged what I did just to get CBT is psychologically interesting enough to merit some kind of assessment.
I feel a bit embarrassed. I feel a bit anxious. I also feel a bit worried about getting arrested. I really don't need a criminal record with ths job situation. What I did was stupid. But also, what I did I needed to do, to realise how it is not okay to get angry. These guys have a bite. This isn't my proudest moment. Although I do weirdly have a smile on my face right now, or maybe I'm trying to not cry. I also feel very vulnerable.
On with my day. I got a fuckton to do.

Monday, April 22, 2013

review of the week

Dear Diary,

Mentally feeling quite dizzy, lazy, tired. I thought I might think about my morning, then review the week.

Wake up this morning, its 9am. I realised I went to bed 'early'. Put on a few podcasts last night that I absorbed. I had a long wank. I know how wasteful of time it was but I also enjoyed that I could make that time. I've got lots of composing to do. Got to go off to work in an hour.Three hours work, four hours pay.

Lets review the week:


Spinning, garden shit, composing, interview prep


Interview, fatigue, composing,


Fatigue, thatcher's funeral, shift at work


Double session at gym: two classes, recieved extra shift at work, invited to inverview, doing garden stuff


Blogging, job searching, work, sleeping -fatigue


Blogging, working, seeing brother at pub, double session at gym, get home on taxi


Fatigue, garden stuff, non-priority tasks, and not much else

Friday, April 19, 2013

dear diary

it's morning.

took a while to get up. felt I could have slept a little more. Great session at the gym last night. I felt like I sweated out my anxiety with the way my brain was so drained out. Maybe I should do double sessions more often. Good times.

The work begins from here on in. I'm looking forward to the fish and chips at lunch. Although maybe I'll just go for the fish and peas. Chips are quite heavy on the tummy and its that haddock I have my eye on more. Lovely sexy haddock. It's the food that is making me motivated for work. Then after work I'll do some composing. Hopefully.

Saturday? Maybe do a class, then I'll go to work. Hopefully. Maybe another double session? I do quite like doing the double sessions at the gym. i feel like I'm punishing myself and that I deserve pain. Pain will make me pure. I still have that mindset inside me: that 'mia' will purify me.

Lately I've been thinking about how Mia is such an impact on me. Mia is someone I talk to when I need to talk to someone. There are moments when I have nobody to talk to, including mia, and I feel truly alone. That's devastating.

There's that old saying by Nietzsche, if God didn't exist, man would have created him.

two hours at gym.

dear diary

two hours at gym. really good way to clear your head.

by the end of it my brain was just going on autopilot trying to push it. I had no thoughts, no feelings, just action, just physical movement and pain. It felt very purifying. Worrying about that family friend who is near death's door. My mum and dad are very upset as well. So am I.

Gym helps me wind down and forget my woes. Plus it is apparently healthy. I'm going to crash on my bed and have some good quality sleep. Work tomorrow. In particular I look forward to lunch, fish and chips on friday! Hurray!

Then hopefully composing. Gonna be a long one tomorrow.

Maybe best to save my juices for the long haul. Therefore sleep properly.

Off to bed now

Ni ni

Oh before I sleep. I should say: I got lots of nice compliments from cute gym instructor. I kinda like how she calls me out at the class more so than all the other people - maybe there's some sexual tension? maybe its in my head. all the same. I really enjoy what the class does for me

Now off to bed. No wanking today. Too tired. I forgot to un-italic all of that. I'm tooo tired to

Thursday, April 18, 2013

I guess there are more ridiculous hobbies to have in life

dear diary,


the moral of the story about pushing yourself hard is that if you push hard, you have to rest up to recover too. I had a slow morning today, mostly involving some organising, emailing, and blogging. Then suddenly I thought to myself: why not do something different today and do two classes at the gym? I wonder if it will kill me. I wonder if it will merit the fast food I'll eat afterwards!

Also in other news, I keep saying the phrase 'oh boy' a lot. You know like Sam Beckett from Quantum leap. I say it when I feel like I'm overwhelmed, and basically I'm feeling overwhelmed quite a lot.

I think for the rest of the evening I can forget about everything and just do some physical stuff, let out that steam,and then relax?

Why am I doing a bloody long double session like this? the answer is twofold: the two things that generally make me do stupid stuff - pretty women and peer pressure.

I guess there are more ridiculous hobbies to have in life.

double session

so much on my mind, little time to process or think.

Interview in couple of weeks. extra shift at work, got composing shit, garden shit, training shit.


Almost forgotten about the job hunting shit I need to deal with.

I am thinking to myself: do a double session at the gym, go home, relax, start tomorrow early and then run through the weekend with a nice plan and not much 'planning' or 'doing' time. Time is limited. Might make life easier if I thought less about so many different things and focussed more intently on fewer things with more detail.

So with that in mind. Will head off to gym in a moment. Exciting, Never done attack and combat classes in a row! Will see how I last! If I last!

facebook etiquette

sweet lady adds me on facebook. Only met her a few times.

Should I say happy birthday to her?


The fact that I'm asking this question reveals and betrays the fact that I'm a giddy teenager who is obviously crushing on her. Why am I dwelling on this? Is it obvious? Fuck. I'd say the same for anyone I am on good speaking terms with. Although most people I'm on speaking terms with I don't fancy. Hmmm. Need to think more about this. I'm drinking some weird mulled wine that is apparently non alcoholic. But it sure is kinda psychedelic right now

so much on my mind i really should just have a shower

Dear diary

Emails from work: your shift on friday is an hour less (yay!), however your shift on saturday is an hour more (erm..okay?)

My mum seems to be a bit better. My dad said that our family friend dying is having an effect on her. It's having an effect on us all I think. Since maybe 2010, it seems like someone seems to be dying every few months. I know that death is a normal part of life. It's really making my life kinda darkened. To be surrounded by death. Maybe 'surrounded' is the wrong word. It does seem to happen with some frequency. I said to a man (another family friend) one time: we only seem to meet at funerals these days. Notably his wife died three years ago.

So much death. I want to celebrate life. I want my life to be better.

I'm feeling really tired right now. Lots of things weighing on me right now. I need to have a shower. It's been over 2 days now.

anxiety is about a 3 right now

thatcher's funeral.

all the talk at work today. were it not for the fact that its busy as fuck at work today.

As I got home, I felt tired. went to sleep for an hour or two. I was more incapacitated in the bed unable to move or think or do anything - is that sleep? I don't know. I did wake up feeling energised, which isn't a common consequence of sleep.

My mum says she's feeling very unwell at the moment. That's kind of worrying me at the moment. Not least because I heard my parents went to see a family friend who is dying, so death is on my mind now. The guy who my parents went to visit was someone I gave a real joyous smile to at the wedding last year with my piano abilities. Was a real joy to make that kind of happiness for people.

I hope my mum's okay

I didn't get the job from yesterday.

I should try to sleep, but worried about mum. Might look at her in bed and see if she's alright. Then I'll think about sleeping.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

note to self

keep more records of the following:

  • Inability to concentrate
  • Fatigue days

Today is a fatigue day. Looking at my past few days I can see why:

  • Monday: spinning + interview prep (also had trigger conversation)
  • Sunday - lots of garden stuff
  • Saturday - combat class, plus going to play
  • Friday - shift at work/composing
  • Thursday - body attack
  • Wednesday - Body balance
  • Tuesday - Badminton


Basically, I need a rest day. Off to work in the morning. It's a really high profile one. I'm kind of daunted about it. I'm also wondering about the newspaper who said they wanted to interview me.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

fell asleep for a few hours. my anxiety got really bad and my body just needed a shutdown.

Put an audiobook on, to make good use of the time. I managed to make a dream based on Greek soldiers on a desperate trail on a military campaign. When I woke up, I realised the dream was based on Anabasis!

Big day at work tomorrow. Lots of delays on the tube due to the Late Baroness dying and all. One of my friends (lets call him Miles Richer, the banker), was saying how he thought quite a bit of Thatcher. My dad managed to get a house thanks to thatcher, and its something we will inherit when my parents pass away. It is something that will help us along. I feel sad about all the suffering that happened in that era. Now I'm going to do something else now.

take a break for the long game.

my anxiety is rising a bit. i am aware that if i continued it would be a problem. If i stopped now and just relaxed for a while I think it might be manageable and alright.


Job interview today.

Went home, had a bit of a walk. In context I realise how much physically demanding stuff i've been putting myself through lately. I need to just take it slow for a few hours maybe. Maybe I'll do some reading or relaxing that works in a constructive way. - the non priority schema stuff. Did some composing today and did an interview. I know I need to do more but my mind needs a break or I will get ill.

Monday, April 15, 2013

things i think about when preparing for interviews

doing some interview prep at the moment.


Starting to feel anxious about the interview. Also a little excited. It's a part time job, but if it were full time it would pay £27-30k. Almost a bit higher than what I normally look for. I think this *might* be a good job to do. Something that made me a bit anxious however, is the extensive amount of travel. Basically its for a social study that involves doing a lot of interviews. Which means lots of travelling around the country. There are 6 candidates for the role, but that reflects the regions of the country. If it were going around London I'd be fine with that, but going to Newcastle and Yorkshire is what I'd call lunacy extremely demanding.


Also, something on my mind. A really sweet lady from the garden added me on the facebooks, we had a moment of rapport and my normally taciturn and distant presence was compromised by good humour and actually acting like a real person. That's what comes from lifting big pieces of organic matter I guess. I wake up seeing an unexpected friend request. Shes really cute, cuter than I expected. I really shouldn't be a letch. God I hope I don't reveal myself to be an ass. I have links on my facebook to lowbrow steven segal movies this weekend to try and pass a joke on to my friends. Nobody who likes steven segal films are nice genuine guys.


My brain is still in 'god, she's really hot, mode'. So nice to make a new facebook friend like her. Then a really unexpected thought came into my head, I don't know if this makes me a sexist pig or insecure or whatnot: I realised: god she has like a thousand facebook friends! That's amazing! I have about >300 and most of them I knew from uni, but that kind of number is obscene!

Note to self: try not to observe how hot she is.

Remember what your priorities are.

I've got an assignment to find a few pictures of the garden, and I accidently opened a photo album from July with really fun and fond memories from the wedding last year (when my cousin married my brother's best friend). It makes me feel warm inside going through old photo albums. Kinda like how mum and dad used to do with physical photo albums.


Brain-wave. Perhaps I'll put their photo albums in my google photo albums? Something to think about...will need a super fancy camera for that though. Don't get distracted though. I've got something to do today. I have got a job interview tomorrow, don't forget! Don't get complacent! Remember what your priorities are.

!!! Getting angry

Woke up at 9 today. I thought to myself: can't everything wait? I'm feeling tired!

Mum called to ask for help with something, I got up then went to lay down again. Then I got a call.

(I take a pause and a breath before writing more)


It was the mental health people. The appointment for CBT requires an assessment from the psychiatrist (because CBT therapist doesn't want to deal with me). I had an anger trigger. The african bitch kind lady on the phone said I required a triage phone assessment before having a psychiatrist appointment, before I can start CBT even though I've had like 2-3 assessments already. The nubian fuck lady on the phone had no idea I was coming from this context and so to her my anger seemed unjustified or surprising. I don't care,  I still exploded. I exploded good. I walked to the shed and then had a big switch.

It was fun, but I think I'm realising now that I have a very deep seated sense of malice and hatred and contempt, it wells within me and erupts. I allowed it to erupt because I have been messed around by psychiatrists enough in my life, I won't take it standing, I'd tip them over if I could, with my rage. I got really angry, I said abusive things. Judging by the lady's accent I worked out that she was from East Africa and I told her how she exiled my people and unleashed some politically incorrect abuse at her, just because I knew it would be something she'd have to take home with her at the end of the work day. I won't let anyone mess me around again if I can help it. I think she's learned her lesson. People like that can't get away with what they did to me.

The anger subsides, but the thoughts remain.

I need to get on with the day. That's going to be hard. I can't have too many distractions. Lots to do today. Oh I also got a really cool book from ebay. That's something to look forward to.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

things I did today (includes interview invitation)

Dear Diary,

Things I did today:

  • Wake up late
  • Write some blogs
  • Got a call RE: an interview invitation with major newspaper distributor
  • Got an extra shift. It's a high profile one so I want to talk about it, but its a better idea not to talk about it here
  • other non -priority things: Garden stuff, putting stuff in folders, organising ebooks
  • Manscaping (pubic hair and sideburns)

Now I'm off to the gym. This is not exactly a full day, but it is a day that filled all out. I still haven't done all of the nonpriority tasks either.


I'm really glad that I've potentially gotten an interview with Fancy Newspaper. Well technically its for their 'talent pool'. but they seem to like my experience and background, and, well, lets see how it goes. Might look like I have two interviews this month.

Here's to hoping things get better. Here's to hoping I get my life back.

non-priority day

Dear Diary,

I'm doing a few backlog type tasks today. It's taking longer than I'd want. I've got lots of various things to do today. I suspect I won't get it all done. But let's see how much we can do.

I think one of the things about getting to face my anxiety is taking a step back is learning to face and accept this feeling of discomfort and then just moving on

why I realise I dont like drinking

Things I did today:

  • Balance class at gym - cover teacher is hot
  • Applied to one job - civil service policy role, took a lot of juice to get it done, but I managed to pull through, my anxiety has not been good today - its my inability to focus and feel distracted all the time
  • Got call from GP - gonna get psychiartirst assessment, which I dont really like, but its the only way to get to CBT
  • Did some archiving

My head has been messy. I had some alcohol last night, the night before I had a pint, and the night before I had a pint. This casual drinking that I flirted with for the past few days I feel like it affects my serotonin and really depresses me and doesn't help my mindset. I think my life is better without regular alcohol. I am going to not socially drink, more like, occaisionally drink. If at all.I just don't need problems right now. I got enough.

I'm glad I pulled through today, it wasn't easy. Got some work on Friday, and tomorrow is supposed to be 'non priority day' - Lets see how that actually works.

Off to bed. Lately I've been sleeping late. Not good on my brain either.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Anxiety is lingering. I don't like it.


Off to Badminton now. Interview next week. More applications planned. Going to get a keyboard to do some composing (hopefully). I have to believe that I'm moving forward. I have to believe that, because my anxiety feels like making me want to move back. I have to go against my base instinct to resist change. I have to dive in and breathe slowly.

Off to badminton, then I'm off to get a keyboard loaned to me. And maybe dominoes

...which is nice

Dear Diary,

Sent off a job application today. Went through emails. Got a job interview lined up for next week (which is nice). I'm feeling a bit upset/anxious because of something that triggered me. It's dulling my sense of 'well done' about the interview. It's a social research job. Which is nice. I'm going to get a midi keyboard from my mate's later on tonight. Did some job searching (which is nice) and I have about an hour before I go off to Badminton. I'm feeling a bit unwell right now (which isn't nice)

Mia and I had a conversation. It's one of those 'create a world in my mind and re-live memories and reflect on the past with the emotional intelligence I have today' type mystical experiences.

Mia was proposing things to me, suggesting certain interpretative schemes to my past. Then I tried to contest them. I think what I can conclude about the conversation is: focusing on the new is vital. What happened is something I will need to reflect on and I'm definitely re-contextualising, and cautious of repeating mistakes. However, I've got to stay the course with the way I've made my new scheduling system, see how it goes with the plan I have. I just have to make the wheels move. Then the destination will emerge. Hopefully, which would be nice.

I'm feeling my anxiety is pretty bad. I realise that my anxiety is generally bad on tuesdays. Interesting.

Thatcher is dead

Dear Diary,

Scheduling, GP appointment, Garden planning, reading a play draft and a bit of archiving summed up my day.

I fell asleep for 5 hours. 5 productive hours lost. I went to bed late last night, only slept 3-4 hours (like Thatcher).

I felt quite drowsy, disoriented. Distracted. Met some new people at the garden today. One of them had really nice hair, she also reminded me of...me a year ago. It's funny that.

So thatcher died, I've been thinking a lot about it. Half of my twitter/facebook friends are dancing on her grave, the other half are saying can we have some respect for the dead please? I'm reflecting. It very much is an end of an era, but in another sense it very much is more of the same politically. We have unemployment, civil strife, cutting down of big government - its very much like the days of Thatcher. Its interesting to hear all the commentators on the telly.

My life I talk about usually in isolation from political stuff but really much of my life is because of the political situation: there aren't jobs around, I have no luck, I dont have much money and my social mobility is essentially dead. I can't move forward in my life.

Headache impedes my ability to think. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll be able to move forward.

Monday, April 8, 2013

working smarter.

Dear Diary,

Might talk about the weekend:

I've got some composing shit to do this weekend, and I've been really worried about it. I have however realised that I have support. I've managed to get some free composing software from open access. I have managed to get my mate to lend me his Keyboard. I've managed to get a musician friend to advise me on recording things.

Saturday: gym class

Sunday: gym, nandos, gardening, sleeping, bit of eating chicken


Between the two days I have been reading <150 articles from Readability. Really took a long fucking time. I'm learning to change myself. I'm learning to do things differently. I'm trying to be smarter at how I plan, its not always about working harder, it's about working smarter.

Today I got up, residual hangover dehydration from that magners I drank. I have been drinking a pint every other night last week. It helped take the edge off. I like alcohol, maybe I should try to remember why I don't drink much - the fucking hangover! As I get fitter the hangovers get worse!

I went to the GP, I tried in as rational a way as possible, explain my gripes with the CBT situation: I had two assessments, I had one which was on the phone, another in person. The CBT fellow said I will start next week. Then I couldn't, she said it wasn't a problem through proxy. Then I was told there was no appointment the next week. Then I got a letter saying 'we don't think its right to do CBT' after I was told two weeks before 'shall we start next week?'. The GP was sympathetic, she also suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I said: I'm open to that, but I am not so keen on being prescribed more drugs, because you (the GP) can do that anyway. I want psychological therapies, I don't want drugs that make my dick go limp. I don't want drugs that make me eat more and lose my fitness. I have a lifestyle where I have some friends and hang out with them. I don't really get blind drunk that much, like maybe 3 times a year. Depending on whether there's a wedding or not.  I don't want drugs that make me sleep for 12 hours straight. I don't want drugs that make me feel like a zombie. I don't want to lose control, I want to be empowered.

So after that GP appointment I had a few triggering feelings.

I got home, I looked at my schedule and thought: ah fuck, I have a mixed up schedule. I need to try and sort it out, order it, sort out how to get things done, how to enact my plans: job applications, composing...

Oh yeah, and my good friend has a play. Maybe I should ask a girl out on a date to see the play. If my other mates can't go. Fuck em. I'm going to that play.

I'm kinda hungry, before I get on with my schedule I better eat.

Work smart, conatus. I'm learning from my past self: I'm not going to choose to think about all the things I need to do, instead, I'll focus on what needs to be done in a compartmentalised way: jobs, composing, work, gym, garden. I've set time to do it, that gives me peace of mind. Now I am just like a train, follow the rails.

Off to Lunch

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Dear diary

Yesterday I had a realisation that I wasn't quite able to articulate in words: I'm frustrated that the GP and NHS people are not helping me effectively enough with my anxiety in a way that I need to deal with it.

There I said it.

Now that I said it, I can articulate alternatives, think about private therapy again, for instance.

Saturday activities

I know I just wrote a review piece for today. I had assigned a 'non-priority' day today. This included:

  • Clearing niggly tasks like receipts, playlists, CBT assignments, codeacademy stuff, checkingthrough courses, going through opened email tabs on thunderbird,
  • I went to the gym today, did Body Combat with my friend, it was Fucking Awesome. I kind of like how the instructor from another class was in the class as a student, and we talked a bit. She's nice, I have trouble talking to women, but she seemed relatable, and upbeat, also, she did 4 classes in sequence that morning, she's fucking hardcore! Plus I think she's kind of hot, she has a really boyish body and short boyish androgynous sexy hair. Hmm sexy andro girls. I was thinking about sexy andro boys when wanking last night. I didn't wank tonight, - I shoudln't write these thoughts as a bullet point
  • I explored some course options
  • I sorted out a software problem that I had
  • I managed to do all of these things without being de-railed, distracted. Except for that moment when I wrote that last email, and was reminded of what I need to do. Fuck

Anyway. I better go to bed.


I need to learn to smile more. My anxiety should be relieved by the fact that I'm playing Yehudi Menuhin on my laptop as the night weans on, if I had a girlfriend or boyfriend, they wouldn't allow me to do that - play music as I am laying in bed, it must be an insufferable quirk. I am relieved at the knowledge that as I sleep and wake, I am imputting Yehudi Menuhin (or whatever other music it might be at the time) into my brain, so when my sleep is disturbed by short waking periods it is also marked by say - Mehuin's Brahms chamber performances and I think to myself - this is Brahms, I love his brand of Romance-Classical Baroque flavoured chamber music, and have some deep thought, then go to bed again. This soothes me, it reminds me that I'm not in a dream world, it is like an anchor to the real world. I need an anchor, otherwise (mixing metaphors) I go off the rails.

stream of consciousness: re-living and re evaluating my anxiety history, and evaluating my future with it

Dear Diary,


Learning to cope with anxiety means learning to re-interpret a past part of my life. Namely, the second year of uni, when I lived in that horrible house with my two best friends and my anxiety was at its worst. I re-live those memories. As I do, each day seems like ten days as I have re-lived it so many times. The enormity of those memories grow. What was 8 years ago seems like - oh fuck, 8 years ago? mother fucker!


Anyway lets carry on with my thought. I'm doing some songwriting lately. It's stressing me out a bit. Not least because I feel pressure about time, money and job situation.


I have to say, until about 10 minutes ago, I have been managing my schedule well. I'm trying to fragment my mind: Don't think about everything at once, that's too overwhelming. I need to modulise my life and my attention. Focus on specific tasks, forget about the long view, just trust that the long view sorts itself out.


In a way, that's very similar to the anxiety management strategy I lived with in 2005-6. I lived with a lot of pain. Do you know what its like to feel anguish just to go down the right side of the road at the bottom of where you live? Because I was unfamiliar with that area of the city it caused me worry to explore it. To go on the left was a bit easier. But really the ideal was to go straight ahead along the junction, up the hill to where uni campus was. Living through those memories, it serves as a hindrance in sofar as reminiscing about the past does not help the future, or my present. Thinking about the mental strategies I developed, however, is like rediscovering some part of my ancient wisdom. I did learn and persevere to counter my anxiety. The anxiety didn't go away, I just had to face the demon.

I would say to myself: Don't think about the exams, don't think about coursework deadlines. Just read 2-3 journal articles today, then do your notes for the coming lectures, and go to sleep. You just have to deal with it. The big stuff comes from setting the foundations.

Then the anxiety was lessened, so the story goes. I started getting 2:i's and I reailsed that I believed I could be saved. I felt relief. Then I started acknowledging that I had a fledgling social life with all the societies I was involved with and new friends I had made. Then I got comfortable, Then I got depressed (August-september), then it went downhill again, then I went to hospital. When I crashed, I really crashed hard. Re-living memories doesn't tell me or help me reflect how much it really hurt. However, re-telling the stories as I do on this blog helps me re-contextualise, trying to help move away from the pathways of thinking I had. The pathways of thinking I had are much like walking down a street physically. I remember the streetlights, the shops, the coldness of the air. But what If i chose to take a different route? When I remember things, I often remember experiences, things like walking down the aisles of a co-op and feeling anxious about taking an unfamiliar off-main-road exit. But what if I stepped away from that immersive level of memory and used more (to use the Kantian term) reflection. This is how I think-going through my memories helps me.

I assigned a big task to myself - clear out all of the journal and blog articles on my readability profile saved list and try to read as many as I could tonight. Too ambitious. It would be a nice thing to clear it all up, it would help me move forward with my non-priotiy tasks. However, when I think about this composing I have to do, it doesn't help me. It makes me feel like everythign I do is in vain.

My new method of fragmenting my thoughts suddenly had its limit - for fucks sake, don't look at google groups when I'm in reading mode.

I really did good this week, and this sudden anxiety I feel undermines the perception of what I did this weel. I'm going to summarise monday-saturday:


  • 3 gym sessions (4 activity sessions including garden tomorrow - if I bloody wake up!)
  • Applied to 14 jobs this week
  • Shift at work
  • 2 fatigue days
  • Thought about composing stuff
  • 1 piano practice day

Saturday, April 6, 2013


A message from skype

A message from whatsapp

A notification from facebook

There’s too much going on


This is a world of integration

But I am anything but

The world wants me to multi task

work well on my own

Self starter,

but takes orders


Make up your fucking mind!


Social media is drowning me.

People think social media can do so much these days

It’s all a bunch of wanky tech speak

Between the people who know and those that don’t

the former stay quiet, the latter talk loudly of their skills on Linkedin


There is no justice in the world


When children rule

where are the adults?

The media infantilises us

The old skills are no longer relevant

But the new skills are not consistently helpful.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

more positive things to report (but no interviews/jobs yet)

Things I've done today:

  • Sit down and focus on job vacancies to apply to
  • Job searching
  • Sent 9 job applications
  • Watching MOOC lectures
  • Blogging

Going to go to the gym later.

This makes me feel very good about myself. I have 90 minutes before I go to the gym.


Services for tutoring get easier to find work with all the agencies out there. But I fucking hate how flakey some of the people are. I also see a big trend of parents sorting out their kids. Fucking helicopter parents.


I didnt do gym last night. I walked to Mcdonalds to get a cheap burger and chips (with a voucher) and I kind of regret it in the way it is making my body feel like shit. My stomach feels awful. Maybe its a sign. I should stop eating shit. I hate feeling tired all the time.


Time to get on with my gym shit daily routine. Today I have job applications and job searching scheduled. I must try this new thing of having no distractions.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

this is where I don't sulk and praise myself a little

Dear Diary

2 job applications. Doing my best to be as focussed as I can. Later today I'll do the gym. Did a bit of job searching. Then hopefully I'll go through my emails.


This week, this month, these past few days, my emphasis has been on focus. Focus my efforts and don't get distracted/derailed.

Speaking of distraction. I need a carb fix.

Taking a break for now.


Looking at this story in the news, its moving me. Very sad.

I'm reminded of november. I know its a few months ago now, but it still feels like very close to me. When Eileen died, the memories were all so lucid. That one week between when she died and the funeral. I remember it vividly, down to the shirt I was wearing and my black jacket. It feels like those memories although far away, will be crystallised in my mind. I miss her. Life is different without her. Yes my life goes on, but it will not be the same.


I better be off to bed. Can't believe it's wedsnesday already. The days go quick. Gotta keep busy, then time goes quicker. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Focus on focussing instead.

I've made an anxiety diary. its a spreadsheet using a quantitative measure of anxiety from a scale of 0-10.

It's almost getting helpful once I start getting a richness of data.

My anxiety is something that Im being more aware of. It physically affects me in ways I don't like

I'm starting to think to myself: maybe anxiety was what went wrong at uni. My fear of engaging with new situations: making new friends and settling in. I always blamed myself for never going out to the hall bar at my halls in the first day I settled in. I felt that's why I never made any decent friends. I felt that's why I didn't fit in.  I blamed myself.

Maybe I should just let go of that shit.

I woke up today, thinking how I much I needed to focus on the now and push on. I also thought to myself how I could do something positive and focus on more cardio fitness to cut the fat.

Lots on my mind. I'm trying to re-do my schedule. Cut stuff out, cut out procrastinating and be more streamlined, be more focussed. It's not to say I shouldn't think about lots of other things, but I need to do it in a way that I can manage. I can't do several things at once. But I can do several things in a day, over time, in individual units. No multi tasking, avoid distractions. Focus on focussing instead.

Review of today? Could have gotten more done. But I rested for a few hours because fatigue/anxiety got the better of me. My friend from uni ocne said he needed to have afternoon naps to keep sane. That friend had bipolar disorder. Maybe I'll talk about that story another time.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Overclocking analogy

Dear Diary

Fell asleep. For my shame. I'm exhausted. I'm also very lethargic. I think the analogy I'm having with myself lately is 'overclocking'. When I have overly active days, in terms of my anxiety; I will have to pay for it physically or mentally another time. There's only so much I can do in a day usually within safe limits. When I overdo those limits I become less than optimum or worse: anxiety ridden. I need 'breathing' time if I'm overclocking in order to get over it.


Thats the kind of perspective I'm developing anyway.

notable days

Reflection: For the past few years I've put down notable days in my schedule like when people die, when I get published etc.


I haven't put as many up lately. Maybe last weekend should be one.

Cut and bulk. After easter

Dear Diary

Back to 'normal' as one might say.

I'm sat down and getting down to it all. I've had two days in which I should have earmarked as free. I'm paying the price now as there's a big backlog. What I call the GCalBlock. Got new earphones in the mail. Its nice and sunny. It's apparently British Summer time, but its pretty dreary.

I'm going to get less involved with activism/community/volunteer/extracurricular activities and try to do what I need to do - apply to jobs. Got to cut things out and focus on the main bulk. Cut and bulk.

CBT screwed me over. The short story is I'm not getting CBT. The long story is the therapist changed her story. I'm not happy about that. My anxiety is pretty bad lately. I spent the last two nights listening to youtube videos from professors and medical professionals about anxiety and treatment options. The more I listen to it the more I realise it resonates wtih me.

Must try not to be distracted too much.


Monday, April 1, 2013

happy easter.

feeling physically vulnerable is less scary than feeling emotionally vulnerable.


been a busy few days. I was out a few days. Working today. Then I had a family thing yeste5day.

I'm tired. Active easter.