Monday, April 15, 2013

!!! Getting angry

Woke up at 9 today. I thought to myself: can't everything wait? I'm feeling tired!

Mum called to ask for help with something, I got up then went to lay down again. Then I got a call.

(I take a pause and a breath before writing more)


It was the mental health people. The appointment for CBT requires an assessment from the psychiatrist (because CBT therapist doesn't want to deal with me). I had an anger trigger. The african bitch kind lady on the phone said I required a triage phone assessment before having a psychiatrist appointment, before I can start CBT even though I've had like 2-3 assessments already. The nubian fuck lady on the phone had no idea I was coming from this context and so to her my anger seemed unjustified or surprising. I don't care,  I still exploded. I exploded good. I walked to the shed and then had a big switch.

It was fun, but I think I'm realising now that I have a very deep seated sense of malice and hatred and contempt, it wells within me and erupts. I allowed it to erupt because I have been messed around by psychiatrists enough in my life, I won't take it standing, I'd tip them over if I could, with my rage. I got really angry, I said abusive things. Judging by the lady's accent I worked out that she was from East Africa and I told her how she exiled my people and unleashed some politically incorrect abuse at her, just because I knew it would be something she'd have to take home with her at the end of the work day. I won't let anyone mess me around again if I can help it. I think she's learned her lesson. People like that can't get away with what they did to me.

The anger subsides, but the thoughts remain.

I need to get on with the day. That's going to be hard. I can't have too many distractions. Lots to do today. Oh I also got a really cool book from ebay. That's something to look forward to.

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