Thursday, January 30, 2014

Dear Diary,

So, I went to computer exchange today. I felt a bit of anxiety about xbox stuff and having so much junk in the house that can't be sold. My resolution was maybe to find somewhere to get rid of it, or dissassemble it just for fun.

I went to CEX today - they asked me to come back in an hour. They paid me £30 for a variety of things that I think probably wouldn't have gotten me any money. £30 is a bit of relief from worrying about money.

so, work tomorrow. hopefully it will be a short 8 hours (HA) ..afterwards I can feel some relief.
Tonight I have been looking for old junk to sell to computer exchange and I found my old e-reader from 5 years ago, which would get £10 if I sold it. Once upon a time it costed me £350 however with technology these days, tablets and even mobile phones make my e-reader look like a primitive stone tablet. It is astounding how out of date technology gets. I used to have a conversation with my dad in the mid 90s about how stuff in the 70s is still usable but going to eventually be phased out, like vinyls and hi-fis. Now its stuff from 4-5 years ago that's horridly out of date. I feel like I am being part of the extremely wasteful society of today.

Lately I've been watching 'benefits street'? Have you heard of it? I think lots of people have opinions about the show without actually having watched it. There's a term that I read about called 'poverty porn', which is this idea that certain TV is made to show conditions of people living in poverty as a way of just purposely trying to either anger people or revel in some sense of grief. There are aspects to the show that sort of lean to that, but there are other aspects to the show that really portrays a human story of people living in communities and circumstances, with their own set of desires and hopes. I've been thinking about it because my facebook feed is all about food banks. As you might know I am involved with a community garden and part of being involved with it means following what goes on in my local area, much of it shows increasing division between rich and poor. Despite my own woes and problems with career limbo and not making enough money, I can't ignore reading about other things that are going on.

It is definitely a party political issue about the whole 'austerity' thing - where governments are urged to cut spending in local government and central departments. My brother-in-law is a solicitor and he is barely making much money because of something called 'legal aid' has not risen along with inflation for over 5-10 years. This is an issue which affects him as a solicitor, but for his clients it also affects the quality of their representation when people get arrested or need legal representation for some other purpose. All of these economic and social things affect other things - where I work at high profile events you can see how certain companies don't spend too much on their parties, or that the tips are less. I am thinking about all this because Higher Education funding is not getting any easier and my hopes of doing a PhD become increasingly difficult in a tax-payer funded education system.
When you have a tangle, you find that there are lots of related problems.

I was going to sell my phone, but the guy said I needed a bank statement.

FORK 1: looking for my recent (within 6 months) bank statement in my paper records - its a mess. Had to turn it all over to find something recent
FORK 2: It's probably a good idea if I set time to archive my bank statement records into a GEN folder and then get rid of the paper records

Related to selling my phone, I asked the guy at CEX if he bought xboxes, he said 'not the white ones'

FORK 3: related to selling my phone, I thought I'd get all my xbox gear together and try selling it
FORK 4: one of the games is stuck in the white xbox, so I'll need to find a way of getting it out
FORK 5: trying to physically open the xbox 360
FORK 6: realising that my second black xbox 360 is not going to be sold so I will have to find some way of getting rid of it. How? I don't know...I'll think about that later.

So I ended up with a bag 2/3rds full of xbox stuff, some DVDs, games, and my mobile phone. I'll attempt to sell it in CEX tomorrow. I then thought about selling my old Sony ereader - I bought it in ---circumstances that are an interesting story to tell, but I think that it is time to let go of it. It was the ereader that I had during the Antonia days...I think the time is right to let it go. My mum is always insisting that I get rid of stuff. So that's what I'm trying to do. I can't believe I have so much junk from the 2000s. Some of these things I thought were beloved possessions, until I got the next one...That ereader meant a lot to me, it was a boone travel companion. The time is right for me to let go of it.

FORK 7: I've been trying to get rid of stuff.


Oh yeah, I should summarise how Wednesday went:

  • Applied to 3 jobs
  • -
  • -
  • Went to gym and did body balance
  • Did cardio beforehand
  • Recieved Extra Shift
  • Replied to event invitation later on in February
  • Spontaneous meetup with my mate who is having a baby
  • Feedly catchup of podcasts (very long overdue!)
  • Explored course options

That's a 10-activity Day. Remember that my 'usual' satisfaction is 3

I think I've earned my sleep...

High anxiety today, high emotions. I'm going to do one more thing then I'm fucking off to bed. 
dear diary,

I ma having an anxiety attack. List of worries:

  • I am woried about what I'll do with my Xboxes#
  • Worried about money
  • Annoyed about potential tutoring client who did not follow through and probably is wasting my time
  • trying to sell stuff on in Computer Exchange - went there earlier and they said I needed a bank statement

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about the way in which CBT can be applied to challenge negative thoughts, or to contest thoughts that are overblown or kneejerk misinterpretations.

I'm feeling jealous. I have an activist 'friend' acquaintance who is publishing a journal article. They are asking us to look through their paper and its a very inappropriate and self-serving use of an activist group to review their own personal publications.

I'm both pissed at them for being good, and probably better than who I am and who I used to be. I'm pissed about how I've failed, and its easier to appear angry at something else than at myself.

I can't even get an admin job doing data entry, and there they are, easily getting published on journals.

I think I'm going to do a double session at the gym tonight. Got to get ...some form of personal validation.
Dear Diary,

I went to a BBC recording last night. I loved the price. It was so much fun. I love BBC recordings, they make me happy.

Today I got up at 'late morning' and I had an extended breakfast. Burnt meat, rice and mushrooms. I realise that my diet has changed a bit in recent days. I am worried about money at the moment. Buying that phone has knocked off £200, money that I really could have saved for a rainy day. It seems that getting a phone was my rainy day.

Anyway, today I'm doing some job applications. I'm just about to sent my third. Yesterday I sent an application to be a book reviewer for a journal in social and political thought. I also received a tutoring query yesterday. That makes two tutoring queries this week. I really hope that they follow through. A lot of tutoring clients these days don't follow through.

I also received an extra shift at work for Friday. I thought I could use an extra £80, even if it means waking up at 5am. All in all - I'm trying to get over the stupour of the past few days


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

I'm going out to see a girl on tuesday evening. This monday evening passing I had a chat with another girl about where 'we' were. She's polyamorous, has several sexual partners, lovers, and she's asking what's the deal between us. I really don't know what to think or what to say.

Who knows really.

I did a lot of walking today. I did my gym shit today and I am worried about money and jobs (as usual).

I'm going to spend an hour just tidying up some tasks.


Monday, January 27, 2014

The Godfather

I went to my godfather's house today, for his birthday.

I felt deeply uncomfortable. Here's why:

  • A lot of racist words were said in swahili (my dad's an african-indian)
  • godfather's friends were talking about operation yewtree people who got caught doing horrible stuff to kids and saying stuff to suggest that it was the kids fault 
  • 6 of them were dressed like elvis, 2 of them even had a naff customised shirt with a collar that went up to their fucking ears
  • the way the women treated me was very uncomfortable, there was a tacit yet clear division of physical and emotional labour, even the way that the seating plan of the room was organised was sexist, in my godfather's world, men are the master of women - I ain't for that world.
  • This guy was the host of a party but made the guests do stuff in the house - because they were women. That's all kinds of disapproval words - ignorant, ridiculous, rude etc.
This week, my friend who is having a baby asked me to be a Godfather. I see the behaviour of one man, and I am inevitably led to think of my own. In my culture, a godfather has a special bond to a male godchild. It's a positive influence and a constructive one, but not if its someone like my Godfather. I don't want to be like him, but I wonder exactly how clean my own laundry is. I'm not the best person in the world either. I have my flaws. 

I want to be better. I need to be better.
 I need to do better.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dear Diary,

Had a panic attack on friday - I'm kinda recovering while doing things...I kinda don't want to talk about what happened.

It also seems I don't want ot talk about much lately.

So I've been involved with local community stuff for the past couple of years, and I feel like the efforts that we as a group are doing have had a lot of gains.

I went to see a play last night, my good friend. I am going out on tuesday with the girl from - that would be nice.

I am feeling a bit tired today, but I'm just doing some desk-based tasks.

Working on a bit of a backlog right now.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Dear Diary,

I had a panic attack today. My phone has been annoying me to such an extent. Every half an hour I have to delete or purge a memory cache in order to just receive a text message - then it turned out that I kept getting the notification that i had low memory and I just had enough - so I bought a new phone. Then I found out that as I was attempting to update the phone, it had some kind of issue. The phone had a wholesale crash - 4-6 hours later I found a way (really complicated) of how to fix it - then I felt a big armount of relief and didnt even think about the day that I wasted because I chose to buy a cheap phone in december or whenever it was...

I did a little bit today, but Im not happy about spending so much money, when I'm not earning as much to replenish it.

I have to get a new sim card tomorrow. It's apparently going t obe sent in the mail--- hopefully.

Tomorrow is another day, lets hope a better one it shall be.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Things I have done today:

  • Entered my working hours in google calendar
  • I'm working at a new site that Shambly corporation has acquired, which means that I'm putting in for two sets of events - so i did that on the calendar 
  • I did some emailing to set time for a day in which I am having to do some 'training' for the new site
Besides that, not much. I'm feeling really drowsy and stupour-ful today. I have to get ready for the gym now. I better get water, kit, kit changes (for 2nd class) and other shit - maybe I'll have a sauna today. 

Feeling really drowsy right now. The weeks pass like water, and I'm pissed. 

Last night...can't remember if I had insomnia...last night I can barely remember. 

Anyway I better get on with shit.

Talk later.
Dear Diary,

I know that I've been worrying a bit about money - I got paid for last month's work from both jobs, plus I've gotten some money from tutoring this week. It all came in quite quickly. I'm quite pleased at that but I also realise the importance of being fiscally conservative and being stuck on my targets with job applications.

Went to work this wednesday, on the way home I was deciding not to go out; I also decided not to go to the gym, having flip flopped about it. I felt really tired and I figured it might be best if I had a rest day from fitness. So instead I bought a nasty domino's pizza and ate it over a period of like 5 hours. I also spent some time watching 'benefits street' and I really don't know what to think of that show. I kind of feel on the side of the channel 4 people who don't think its exploitative. On the other hand it looks like that side of extreme poverty can't be dealt with by either political parties.

Was it jesus that once said it is how you treat the least of us that will be the way in which I will judge how you've treated me?

At the moment I have so many ideas for things but such little energy. Perhaps its the best time to try and sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to take on my yoke.

Tuesday was really good and productive. I'm kind of paying for it through wednesday's fagitue and stupour. Much more to do tomorrow. Even got a list of things too...

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Things I've done on tuesday:

  • Examined course options
  • Bought clothes online
  • Extended online premium service
  • Paid in from Sentinel (includes that 1 week they didn't pay me in october/november [I know, right?])
  • Receieved new tutoring assignment
  • Paid for tutoring assignment
  • essay marking/reading (tutor assignment) x2
  • Sent application through gumtree
  • sent 3 applications through university of london temp service
  • Badminton/gym
This counts as a 12-action day. I usually say 3 is my ideal. I count each job as an action. 

Now to wrap up and think about tomorrow. I might wind down with a bit of telly.

In other news, I'm on this website, tastebuds and messaging this really sweet girl and we chat a lot about music - she's really cool. I am thinking I don't want to push anything as its just nice to have someone to chat to. I am a bit upset after 'dream girl scientist with cat jumper' informed me that she's seeing someone else. 

I'm set to going out with this girl from tastebuds (lets call her administrator with tattoos) Next tuesday, we are going to a BBC recording. 

In other other news:

  • I have a pimple on my bum
  • I am listening to the music of Paul Hindemith
  • I'm going downstairs to eat
  • There's a lot of stories on the guardian about adults who live with their parents (ahem) 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

dear diary,

i'm doing that thing, which i've done before, where I set a lot of things, dive into it, get lots done, but not all, but set it for later and carry on with the next day.

It's sorta productive - until something knocks me for six.

For now. I'm just doing my best.

Doing some stuff now - laters
I want to write a comment on the essay that I just looked at - stop trying to be clever and just answer the question. Never be clever for the sake of  being clever. Answer the bloody question.

ah to be 18 again

Dear Diary,

I'm doing a lot of shit at the moment - but I thought I might just share a zeitgeist with you. There's a guy I'm tutoring and he reminds me a lot of who I used to be. In a way it shows me up in a bad light. Talking to him and emailing him gives me a fondness of what I was like when I was 18 again - arrogant but brilliant SOB...

I'm marking one of his essays on 17th century epistemology. I also like that i'm being paid for it.
Monday I felt a bit sad - I must have had a trigger or something ( I fucking hate that word). I did some job searching and then crashed to bed. I woke up and went to the gym. There was a promotion in Dominoes pizza - i got a 12 inch pizza for like £5 - saving of £13. I'm bloated now, and my calories are going to pay.

I went to the sauna after gym, that was fun. I didn't last long as I really blow my load at the class.

I'm just catching up on shit now - tomorrow (well today) is another day.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

what does the man who has everything do on a sunday morning?

  • eat day old pizza from his cupboard (microwaved of course)
  • drink 2 cans of pepsi 
  • read essays on lockean metaphysics (tutoring later)
  • listening to schumann chamber music
I wasn't too well in the later hours of yesterday - I had low-medium anxiety about the tutoring 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

dear diary,

saw a proflile of a guy on okcupid and I thought to myself: you are living the life that I are me.

Of course he's not me, and I'm not him. He's a sucessful guy and i've got 3-day stubble wearing adidas baggy jogging bottoms with crumbs and mayo stains leading down from my mouth to my balls from eating deep fried potatoes that were cooked 4 days ago.

I've got demons that I can't get rid of. I am those demons. I am those regrets.

Get on with it.

dear diary,

got up really fucking late.

Shame on me

I have like 2 hours to get shit done. I'll go to the gym and do 2 hours of fitness.

So far I've been doing stuff I've put off for a while, I've done constructive stuff.

I'm very much in the thick of it right now.

Getting back on with it now.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I'm not 'the after guy'

Dear Diary,

I had some bad dreams again.Things that haunt me, the demons in my mind.

I woke up at 8am, I thought I could start the day well. Then I found there was no internet, I was like: ah fuck. I read a magazine on my tablet and then fell asleep until about 1pm. I realised that the tiredness begets more tiredness and I felt that I just had to push out of bed and it felt horrible. I don't need to remember what depression was like, I feel like I'm going through it.

My attitude is...not what it was back then.  I want to say different but the pain is still the same. I could write this post like I'm the 'after' guy from one of those adverts of a dude who went through some horrible shit or suome surgery and his life is all better. I'm not the after guy right now, I'm the during guy, and this isn't a success story. It's a survival story and I just need to survive through the day.

Two principles I am trying to live by: live deliberately and swallow an egg. I wrote that about 20 mins ago in a futureme email actually. Live deliberately, like Thoreau's Walden: that means, no aimless wanking, filling up time with some interchangeable task, but do something purposefully and with a real zeal. I've spent too much of my life not living deliberately and I need to change who and what I am.

The other principle is swallow an egg. I have a lot of fear. Everyone has some kind of fear. I have lots of demons and things I don't like about myself as well. Surely many people do as well. Swallowing an egg is a metaphor for facing those ugly demons, the weaknesses of will and those fears.

I applied to 8 jobs today, I woke up at like 1pm. I feel like shit right now. I would really want to just lay in bed right now. I should ideally get my gym shit together, head off to the gym, do some training, and then go to body balance class and then I'll fuck head off home. I feel terrible right now. I really do not want to go to the gym. It's going against my instincts, but my other instincts inside me needs to go.

I'm just going to do a light one today - cardio and body balance.

Lets head off. I'm going to make a deliberate decision and set of actions. As soon as I publish this post, I'm preping my gym gear and then heading off to the gym.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Dear Diary

Woke up at 11am, insomnia not hitting me so bad if i get up at a human morning time.

I tidied up my room, my electrician friend came over today.

I went to work later. I caught up on readability blog posts that i meant to read over the past few months.

After work I watched family guy on my tablet, what a brave new world we live in, watching stuff on the tube!

I get home, I eat some fish and chips at a reasonably low price! I was impressed. I get home and I feel a bit of a stupour. I write a bit. I changed my clothes. I listened to acomedy dvd. I read some free newspapers and a time out that I brought home from commuting.

I chat on skype to my friend with a PhD. His life isn't going so great career-wise. I don't envy him at all.

It's 3am, I can't sleep. My head feels fuzzy, I should sleep. I feel like there's something I need to do.

I am not being deliberate. I need to live deliberately, like walden.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm anxious about saturday. I'm working on saturday until late. In my mind I feel like the anxiety is for tomorrow. I need to use my CBT techniques and mindfulness to let go of saturday, and think about tuesday.

I did a covering letter and job application today. I'm a little proud of myself, I swallowed an egg. I have lots more to do on tuesday. I want to do more gym.

I need to be deliberate. I need to be determined.

I need to let go for tonight, and rest.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Dear Diary,

Insomnia is a bitch.

It's mid january now and I am trying to get on with things. I am trying to use my time of insomnia for good. I have successfully managed to do a few errands over the past 3 hours as i woke up prematurely at 10:30pm. I went to bed around 8:45-9pm with a view to sleeping all night. That plan didn't pan out.

I am working later today. It's a short shift, only 3.5 hours. I need any hour I can get to be honest. I am getting desperately short on cash. This is the situation that I feared the most.

I didn't get paid last thursday - I don't know why. I was expecting it. Second thursday of the month right? I do't know why - it could be that the first thursday of january was like the 2nd or some shit.

I've had a lot of messaging going on with OkCupid this weekend. There was a woman who had a profile with just a picture and not much description, and I successfully guessed where the picture was taken from. Another bit of banter was how one woman said she likes to go to churches but doesn't believe - I was thinking - was she an organ repair person? church of england? a Bach Scholar? Turns out she's a bell ringer -never would have guessed that (seriously, Bach scholar?? it's like I have Bach on the brain).

I'm feeling quite lonely and isolated. That's due to my job situation, due to my whole - I am shit and fail in life-thing.

I am fantasising about self-harming lately. It is perhaps my only comfort to just fantasise about it.

So I'll have a bit of work this week. I forgot what work was like! I think that today will be the first time that I put on my new brogues. I'll need to think about the appropriateness of wearing it. I hope I don't step in shit.

God I'm feeling hungry again. right now.

I put a big fuck-off to-do list on google keep when I got up today. I did most of them. I swallowed a couple of eggs this sunday. I made a purposeful choice not to go to the gym or garden this weekend. I need to build up my energies.

I am not yet ready to sleep. I might talk about what I've done this weekend:


  • Finished editing and uploading baby shower vids
  • Pizza and tv with my friend - a local 2-4-1 establishment
  • Sent job application
  • Fatigue/insomnia
  • Archiving
  • Audiobook Catchup
  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia
  • Non-priority tasks
  • Feeling low
  • Updated googlepages
Post -midnight Monday

  • Sent Job application
  • job searching
  • Sent Job application
  • electrician/friend coming over to do some work
  • working
  • cannot attend meeting but planned agenda for it

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Dear Diary,

Woke up at 8am, thought to myself: it's not a good idea to go to the gym, i've done 5 days straight and I have earned a rest day.

The other thing I considered is that if I am to live deliberately, I need to do more things than just gym.

Today I will try to aim for such variety. I got a lot to do, job applications and the like.

I have been putting stuff off. It's not good.
dear diary,

i've had problems with insomnia lately.

Problems with overeating too

problems with motivation

They seem all related.

At least I don't have a masturbation problem.  I've been wanking less than once a day for the past 3-4 months...I think it's my late 20s hormones kicking in. No longer horny like a teenager.

Do I miss it?

Don't know...maybe I don't. At least I have more stuff going on.

I've had something on my mind for the past week. I made these videos at the party last week, and they filled up my tablet computer. I've spent the week freeing up space on dropbox, then uploading the vids on dropbox, then editing the vids, then uploading the vids, and now slowly deleting the vids and completing the uploads. I've completed the editing of vids.

I've done gym 5 days in a row. Hoping to make it 6 days. Need to get up early for that though. Tummy hurts a bit, am I hungry? Don't know.

Last night was watching the film 'Aliens'. That gave me a panic attack, but...maybe hat's normal for people who watch horror films...I don't know.

I've also got a new tool in my arsenal. I use a notebook. I have a notebook that I got from work. It's awesome. I am using it to make notes. I used it at the discussion group this wednesday for notes. I am using it to write down index numbers for editing vids instead of putting it on google keep. It's one way of helping me cope with processing tasks.

In other news, I chatted to a girl on okcupid...might turn into something tomorrow. This notebook is my new best friend.

In other other news. I talked to activist girl - random midnight facebook chat. I was being nice and supportive to her as she's having a hard time with depression and doing her masters. I think she'll do better than I did. I think she also is stronger and more determined than she puts herself to be. She's awesome.

I wonder if I'm a nice guy in real life. I have no idea. In my own head I am just thinking about food and farts and tasks. I'm sure people see me in a different way to how I see myself in the world.

I am going to try and sleep. Or maybe eat.


I need to do shit.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Dear Diary,

I just emailed the Guardian about that little article I wrote in my name as Martin Conatus.

Now on to other emails
Dear Diary,

I am trying to get on with my email tasks, and each email requires a certain specific action.

In the meantime I also put together a bag for the charity shop containing my old clothes. I saw a lot of eating disorder clothes. I have been talking about letting go, and I have decided today to get rid of my old clothes from when I was 19-22.

I felt a bit triggery/emotional, but I need to let go. It's in a bag now.

I also have more clothes to get rid of, but for now I just should do one bag. Can't get it all away at once. I do things in increments with domestic tasks.

Anyway, back to emails.

Dear Diary, 

I am umming and ahh-ing about going to this thing tonight. So there's a group that meets every month to talk about issues. I'd love to come along, but I feel resistance and anxieties to it. On top of that I realise I have other shit to do. As well as that I am deliberating too much but I am worried I amoverthinking.

I think I have a solution to back in a moment.
Dear Diary,

It's nearly 1am and I can't sleep. I'm worried that this insomnia is affecting me again. Yesterday was a fluke and today was a passable fluke. Ideally I'd like to sleep ight now and then wake up at 6am fresh for wednesday. I'd do job applications and really push myself. I'm scared to embrace all that. I am also challenged by new situations and find it hard to let go.

I need to let go...let go...let go...

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Dear Diary,

I was getting on okay until about 11-12-midday. I crashed and slept for 2 hours. I was really tired and my body felt like hell. I have gotten up now and I am trying to get back on things. I've sent 3 job applications today (from agencies), and I am a bit reluctant to think about postgrad courses right now. I'm putting it off and I am displaying avoidant behaviour.

I'm scared to swallow the egg today.

I need to do it.

I was listening to a podcast today about Augustine, who talks about the desire to do good and be good, and it requires God to fully be good, but also the will to be good, sometimes people lack the will to be good, but desire to have that will, which is what is called a second order desire. I feel like that second order desire is the start, a germ. Now I just need a stronger will, and God.

God help me please. I'll work on the will.
Saw this story:

depresses me to no end. where I live there's a glut of betting shops turning up in formerly empty shops. It's the story of the local economy

Monday, January 6, 2014

so I went to CBT today. The doctor said to me that she thinks we should review what we have done so far, and that its the last session. I don't understand her reasons but I think I agreed. I am not sure why we stopped when we did so well last week, but I don't disagree that the sessions have gone on long enough. Anyway, the doctor said something about how she could organise the next stage of my assessment/treatment/help/support, which is not for my anxiety but for aspergers assessment. 

So the state of affairs seems to be this: I've ended CBT now and I am at the stage where I can basically go on my own with the techniques I learned, and I'm very happy to do that. I've been preparing for this for a while now. I can then look forward to thinking about what's the next step. Sorting out my head by myself with CBT, maybe taking beta blockers to help me out, and maybe I can see if I have aspergers (or not have aspergers).

Things I will need to learn:

  • Acknowledge the past, but don't let it define you
  • Acknowledge the future, but stay on the present
  • Keep focussed in the present - don't stretch yourself too much
  • Keep stock of physical anxiety - remember breathing and muscle relaxation exercises
  • Panic attacks are not dangerous

I've done a bit today. I might think about just laying down before heading off to the gym.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

slow burn.

lately, i've gotten depressed a bit and i listen to podcasts on tunein (an app) about depression or bulimia or something like that. I feel right now, to frame it in a way I heard an eating disorder explained, my instincts tell me to lay in bed and rest, until I feel like im better and not tired. But the thing about mia is that I must not listen to that voice, because my instincts have gone all wrong and I can't trust them. I have to do the opposite of what the bad instincts want me to do. 


I am a person that relies very strongly on instincts. Very strongly on feeling. I may not talk much to many people but I do have feelings. I am not feeling the best right now, mentally.

After gardening today I talked to a nice woman, she seemed nice. I don't know how to talk to ordinary people. I have been with my friends lately and they are very different people to ordinary people. Last night was a baby shower and I got my clarinet out and played and then went to a pub after. I then did a lot of walking and talking and socialising. 


There's a part of me that feels/thinks - am I autistic? do i have problems intereacting with people, and if so, does that deny me from being like the neurotypicals? I wonder sometimes. 


I'm feeling a bit low today. I was at the gym earlier this week doing cardio and I had to keep my motivation going, not like a big flame that dies quickly, but a slow burn that continues and runs its course. I've got to be more of the slow burn thanthe big flame that goes out with barely a whisper of smoke to remember it. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Dear Diary,


So I sent off a 'big' job application form. It took like 2-3 hours to write up. I think I might take a break now. Relax for a bit. 


I aim to go to the gym tonight and do a double session. It's been a while.

New year, possibly new hopes?

So today is the official start of 2014 to me. Yesterday was a bit more of a ...hangover to 2013. Not that I was hungover, but I was exceptionally tired after last night and all the accumulating nights before. I feel a bit more rested now.


So...yesterday, I was recovering and I did some minor tasks. I finally finished the book review, I did my monthly report and not much else to be honest. 


Maybe I'll talk about New Years Eve. I went out to a bar in south london. I had a 3 course meal, starters, mains and dessert. I had 2 bottles of wine for £4 - the benefit of sharing a drinks bill is when everyone wants the white. I had a few good chats. On the way home I met a girl who apparently knew my friend. She was really drunk and sad and I would like to think we cheered her up. Later on I facebook'ed her (is that a verb - fuck it, its the 21st century and I'm making history!) and seh facebooked me back. I later perved on her pictures to get her off that weird pedestal that I do with any woman who shows any minor interest in me as a person. She talked about her bulimia when we first met and that shocked me so much I told her that I had mia as well.


Anyway, I'm just writing about this for record's sake. I am drinking a milk-custard smoothie (don't ask) and I went to the GP today. I then encountered a problem with the GP - there's always fucking delays. I am so used to it that I have very low standards. The GP said to me: I know this aspergers thing has been up in the air for a long time now and we want to get to the bottom of it as much as you do. As you know funding is an issue but we are on your side about this. It almost felt assuring from the attractive asian male doctor with a military haircut. Almost.


I'm applying myself to apply to jobs today. First time in a year (got to get those gags out of the way now). I am also feeling kind of positive about the coming year, well I say positive - what I mean is...not negative, yet. 


I'm also thinking of starting a 365 photo project.