Monday, February 28, 2011

(Audiobook in the afternoon)

I get a lot of nightmare thoughts and feelings during my sleep, and often it seeps into my wake. This morning I woke up with the playlist starting on Richard Strauss, which gives me a lot of fond feelings. I fell in love with 'Four Last Songs' when I got to see it at the Proms last year, in addition the orchestra was conducted by the great Sir Simon Rattle, a composer whose calibre is under great appreciation lately. Rattle loves Schoenberg and the Vienna composers, plus he's British, two things I like about a cultural figure: shared interests and claming him as our own.

I thought that I woke up late, I managed to out myself from the bed by about 10. Come 11 I finished up some minor tasks, come 12 I started working on a data entry task and come now I've finished entering my reciepts. My receipt data goes back by a month.

On my mind today are the following thoughts:

  1. Anxiety about sending my boss the notice letter
  2. Should I go to the gym?
  3. How little I've actually applied to jobs lately
  4. Money: I need to withdraw from my ISA again. I just have enough to pay my gym bill this month (fuck)
  5. Transport: I need money to travel to work, interviews or all sorts of other things, my discount card ran out lately and I can't get another one. I can get discount for the train but I can't go everywhere on the train that just doesn't work
  6. Am I going anywhere in life?
  7. Should I take up Dobby's offer and go out with her?

I've resolved a few of these by making a schedule for today. Complete some small tasks, and then go get the ISA, then gym it. The fact that I need to take money from my savings is very bad, it means I'm not making enough money to make ends meet. I don't just need to consider counselling and gym costs, I need to consider things like occaisional clothes because I do need new clothes rather than it being a vain thing - a lot of my clothes are between 2-4 years old. I also need to consider transport fees, that damned oyster card is expensive as fuck.

My worries are mundane and everyday, tomorrow the environmental group has a fun subject. I'm also thinking about making a new playlist, the one I made just after Christmas has finished. I'm actually quite impressed at how long it took to listen to all of that music. I am a bit behind on my audiobooks lately. This week looks less busy than last, last week and the week before were particularly occupied: work, interviews and training. I've only got half of that this week. The rest I need to do myself.

Ta ta

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Anxiety of confrontation

Considering the pattern of the past two months, I think that I've got a pretty good thing going over the past week or so. I'm regularly going to the gym, I am reasonably enough sending some applications (of course a lot more would be desirable) but I have found the past few weeks troubling for the following reasons:

  1. Since joining a new gym, I've had to factor in a new set of tasks to accomodate all the other things I'm doing. I'm never good in principle with taking on new tasks exaclty because of my fear of not getting it done
  2. I've made a task of clearing GReader items as individual reading tasks. This makes my calendar look a lot more full, but in practice it is a lot more workable than not remembering to read articles after 3 months.
  3. I've been playing a lot of xbox and watching a bit of TV. In short, I've been embracing a little less ascetic life and more involving myself with the real world (okay, so Halo: Reach isn't exaclty part of the real world, but I am getting back to my interest in gaming)
I have scheduled a task that is causing me a bit of anxiety. I need to write a letter of notice that I want to leave my internship. I've been in a 2 month internship for, what, 9 months? I want to leave because of the obviously illegal nature of the work I'm doing (that is, unpaid work is illegal). I think its high time I go, in addition I feel a bit anxious there. Call me paranoid but I feel a little self conscious that many people in the management are nearly my age, and there I am like some spotty 19 year old intern. The thing is, I'm not 19, I'm going to be 25 soon, and I need to act a bit more like one. The work experience was great, but now I need to move on. This is going to weigh in heavy on my mind, but I need to do it. I'll give her 2 weeks maybe. I've set myself to do it on monday or tuesday. This is a little scary. Its like back in 2009 when I was sending all those emails which terrified me.

I wonder if I've really moved on since those days. I remember the terror and pain and angst and sense of loss from those days. In a sense it never went away, if anything, it is everything that I've defined myself in response to in the past two years. The anxiety of confrontation, the anxiety of what happened.

I want to start embracing the good stuff

Good almost-noon,

This morning I woke up feeling pretty groggy, why I felt groggy I cannot fully determine, either I was dehydrated, or cold or my muscles were feeling exceptionally fatigued. After a while my body felt able to cope. It helps having a bottle of water next to you. I have to confess something about Friday, I nearly purged. I negotiated to myself that I would not purge in exchange for a gym session. This kind of negotiation is one way of dealing with purging, but I don't think mia is ever going to go away.

I didn't get up terribly late as it happens, it was just after 10am.  I started the day with breakfast and slowly getting myself into the routine. I am now trying to complete all the little tasks I've set myself. This week is mostly free, no work commitments and I have a planned excursion to the local environment group later on.

Yesterday I had a trainer session, it was pretty fierce. The trainer suggested to go to the gym at least 3 times a week and a 4th time is a bonus. Hearing that gave me encouragement to go to the gym. I am tempted to go tomorrow, or today? I'd love to go today but I'll need to finish up some work. I think however there is an early close on sunday. I should go tomorrow. Yesterday at the gym I worked on pull ups and chin ups. That was very painful. My arms are still sore, but not as badly damaged as when I first started gym.

Yesterday I cleared up a good amount of the reading tasks, plus I enjoyed a few episodes of things I haven't watched in a while. Star wars return of the Jedi was on yesterday, and I missed most of it (Sky+ failed me). I'm still thinking about Dobby's offer. I'm sceptical about her, she reminds me too much of women who hurt me. Or maybe the latter are ruining my perception of the former.

I want to start embracing the good stuff, it's about time don't you think?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Celebrities, protests and work

Over the past few days I've had the following conversation with people many times over, I've also had it with myself, it normally starts off with:

"You wouldn't believe what happened this week..."

I saw two celebrities at work, I really shouldn't say who due to the nature of my job. I also got into a newspaper event as it unfolded too, it involved some nutter Arabs, I really shouldn't say more due to the nature of the job I was applying to.

Then, of course, there was two days of work,  one intern day, one really long travel day for an interview and a gym session. Longest week of my life. I ended the past three days coming home with a pizza and barely able to wank, well, I say barely able but I forced out two last night but I didn't do anything else but wank and eat after I got home.

What else could I talk about over the past three days? I got asked out by some colleagues of the office to go to lunch. We went to Camden, all the metalheads and Goths were congregating there. As we went through camden, I revisited memories of coming down to camden, my companions at the office suggested that I explore other parts of the market and I ended up on my own in a book shop. I saw this book shop months ago and I didn't go in because I was with some non-natives. As I got in I felt at home, I found myself in an old world that I loved. I found a book that I did a lot of my Dissertation work on. Seeing this book again was like seeing an old girlfriend, I have so many memories with her, so many thoughts and discoveries. It was the one text that influenced my decision to want to do a PhD.

Then I had work after work. 5 or so hours of work was entertaining, draining too. After work, I then ventured home. I was hoping that this pretty girl I worked with got on the same train as I, but I also tried to ignore it. I did a good job of ignoring my little fancy of her reading the new book I obtained. I made an irresponsible purchas considering that I dont have much money, but it was an impulse buy. Finding that book again inspired a lot of feelings, good and bad, triggers and ideas.

Another thread of the past few days is that I've been chatting to dobby again. Dobby is sorta opening up to me about things and having a trigger made me talk openly with her. I talk openly with her about a lot of stuff. I feel in a way that I'm dumping that stuff on her, talking to her so openly feels good and it also makes me acknowledge a lot of demons. Some I forgot were still there. Dobby also said 'we should meet up sometime'. That kind of affected my mood a bit too.

Anyway, today I'm tidying up a little bit. I've finished most of what I've intended to clean up. Now I can get to the schedule. I have wrangled tomake myself go to the gym later today, for cardio. I've gained weight, or is that muscle. I dont know but I need to keep working out. I've got a lot of excercise before I get a better body.

A strange week, more so than usual, meeting two famous celebrities of the 1990s and 2000s (the latter was my soundtrack to 2005/6), getting caught in an extremist demonstration (but not participating i was just walking by) working a few times this week and gymming it a few times as well. I've got a PT Session tomorrow, my parents are coming back today and a few more applications to get on with.

I think it was the 2 year anniversary of getting my MA this week too,o r maybe last week. Either way, my life of late is mainly about 'getting on with it'. So for now, that's what I'll do.

Good day

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

From to-do to doing to done (still listening to Skunk Anansie)

Okay, so, now I've made a todo list (following my blog post), this blog is not so much about being a career writer who makes interesting things and social commentaries, but more someone who has a problem with keeping organised, that last post constituted a to-do list which I integrated into my GCal, and now I've set myself a whole lot of tasks. This is me in a rush, an ordered rush. I have a clear foresight of the things I need to do, and I dont want to rush it, but I do have a tight time frame in which to complete them. The difference between a rush and a tight time frame is the latter tells me what I need to do, and the former I need to think about what I need to do while at the same time stressing over what I need to do or what hasn't been done, and while I'm stressing I realise that I'm not getting anything done because I'm stressing about a list that I am trying to make ad hoc in my mind about what to do.

I feel like Odysseus tying himself to the mast (a Homer reference, there, I've got my literary savvy back)

Back to tying myself up :)

To do list (Skunk Anansie in the afternoon)

Good Afternoon,

Writing posts to reviw my day's activity seems formulaic. I've applied to one job today sofar already and I am slowly getting tasks done. The following are considerations for the next few days.

Today I have a shift, I'll leave maybe in about 2 hours, hopefully I will get a taxi ride home, which would be nice. My thoughts are already leading to a couple of things, one is food and the other is tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have an interview, I'll be off to the interview that I fucked up last week. I guess its good to have another chance. As soon as I wake up tomorrow I'll need to get ready for said interview. I'll be in quite a rush. As a consequence, everything I do now needs to plan ahead. I think that some things I can do to plan include:

  • Food for tomorrow/when I finish shift tonight
  • Route plan/itinerary for tomorrow (I bloody hope there are no problems this time)
  • Tidy up the house?
  • Prepare for when parents get back
  • Iron clothes
  • Polish shoes
  • Gym tomorrow?
  • Tidy up duties: clean the sink
  • Tidy up duties: wash bedclothes
  • Tidy up duties: vacuum house
  • Tidy up duties: Water plants in house
  • Tidy up Duties: sort out stray documents in room
  • Continue other tasks that are scheduled for tuesday and wednesday
Now I've framed it like that, I probably shouldn't be slowly approaching tasks. I've mainly commited to the smaller reading tasks and job searches today, except for that one application I did send.

Okay, it looks like I have a lot to too!

At least I've made a list.

In other news, I've raped my bank balance. Again. Fuck.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My week in review

At the moment I am in a strange point where I have completed a whole lot of reading tasks and little tasks I've meant to do. I've cleared up a big chunk of my schedule for today, yesterday and tomorrow and while I'm not 'ahead' as such, i do feel like I've cleared up enough of the activity to merit some kind of pat on the back. With that in mind, I've asked myself a question that I dont normally ask these days: what have you done this week passed?

Well, according to my records my week consisted of:

  • Three social calls: I went to visit a neighbour, I went out with a couple of friends and my brother came over to visit
  • Job applications: Three job applications sent
  • Interview - this involved a lot of interview preparation in terms of paper forms, as well as the long task of purchasing a countersignatory form from my GP
  • Fitness: I had a personal trainer session and I went training a second time as well. I wanted to do a third session but my brother came over unexpectedly on Saturday and Sunday things went a little longer than planned
  • Walking: I walked about 31miles this week. The longest recorded amount of walking in my records. It also means that since Saturday my butt has been sore as well as my lower thighs
  • Other things: I have played a bit too much xbox this week, spent a bit too much on food and I've re-arranged an interview. I've also organised my shifts for March and made some effort to tidy up the house and maintain order in the living room.
When I lived in the student house after my MA, many things which were mundane seemed like distinct tasks to me. Tasks like washing the dishes (in fairness I washed for 10 people), washing clothes (10 person waiting list) or doing the groceries. I learned how to be 'normal' and do normal things. Not long before that time I was very badly bulimic and my social functioning was not at its best.

Perhaps enough time has passed. My counsellor seems to suggest with her wording. I need to keep in mind that the next two weeks will not involve counselling. That's a bit of a relief for my wallet, although my shifts for this coming month mean that I just about make ends meet with the hours that I'm working. I have just about enough money to pay for counselling and gym. Is counselling working to sort out my head? I think in some ways it does. I find it odd to open up to a person, especially a woman (and a cute young blonde one at that) in a counselling context but I'm slowly getting over that boundary. I've found that the harder feelings to express are the ones that really show me for who I am.

I talked about Marie, the support group and the person I used to be for them. In many ways I liked that person. I was caring, I was dedicated and naively idealistic. I've certainly changed since then. Around the time of my MA, my sister was newly married and just about to announce her pregnancy. In this present time my sister is pregnant for a second time, my nephew is going to be three years old later this year (he's also a brat, he's passed the cute stage unfortunately). Life has changed a lot and yet I distinctly feel that since I've finished my Masters, i've not found any chances to persevere and show my true colours to the world. I'm confined by the economic limitations of oppurtunity and a world which values the entirely wrong things. In some ways I've learned to live with it.

But lately, during this past week, since tuesday (when I talked about mia in counselling), I've had these imaginary figures walking next to me or looking at me. I know they aren't real, I know they are imaginations. I know that I'm making them up in my head, but I feel like I need to imagine there's some external mental presence there. There are two people. One of them is me, or rather, a version of me. This version of me wears a smart white shirt, he wears a long jacket and black trousers with smart oxford shoes. His hair is tied back and he wears thick black rimmed glasses. He's elegant and nice and shows many positive attributes. His very existence as he walks beside myself indicates some form of judgment on myself, or some kind of support. I imagine him because he supports me. at the moemnt he's sitting on my bed, I suppose reminding me that I have a day tomorrow and I should sleep.

There's another person I imagine around me, I imagine her talking to me, and sometimes I try to ignore her. I can't trust her, but what she says seduces me. In many ways  she's like what Marie became for me. Marie was the seduction, marie  was the emotional betrayal. Marie may well have never existed for the purposes of what she's come to symbolise for me in this woman who is constantly by my thoughts. Mia. Lately I've started to think about purging, it's just light thoughts. I think the trigger came when I said during counselling how everything changed when I started purging, and it got better, but just as quickly as it got better, it got worse again and I went back to my old self. I thought that I was rid of my old self, I even symbolically stopped wearing my watch from the past. Eventually last year the battery of my new watch died, so I had to resort to the old watch.

Everything about me that mia gave, was taken away when Antonia dumped me. My journey since my dumping has become an embrace of single life and an attempt to redefine myself. How am I doing? I'm not quite sure how to answer that. Am I different now than to how I was compared to 2008 when mia had control over me, or 2009 when I had a girlfriend, or late 2009 when I became 'the old me' again, and the nightmare realisation of the fact that I wouldn't get into a PhD and just even a job would be good dawned upon me?

I feel terribly lost in my life. I hate that I have to constantly apply to jobs and that the competition is so bad that I keep getting rejections. I dont have a hell of a chance ins htis bloody interview I have next week, why the fuck do I still torture myself with this.  A line of thought like this makes mia's phantasm (that term is a reference to an Aristotelian term) more concrete.

Mia's influence lately has grown, from a whisper to a word. Will mia's word find incarnation? That's up to me. I felt pretty close on friday.

This is a longer post than usual. I thought I'd end by sharing a song that has been in my head for this past week. Ghost by Ladytron (my music interests are getting more diverse than heavy metal)

Ladytron - Ghosts [Official Music Video]

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Making time

Note to self: Duck in chinese restaurants are fatty. Why do I keep ordering duck?

This weekend has been a mix of indulgence and tidying up, more so the former than the latter. At the moment I've just sent off an application to a campaigning organisation. For some reason I've felt like I've not kept up with things. Perhaps because of Friday. I had this coughing fit on friday where as a result I was temporarily suffocated. Feeling that suffocation reminded me of the bliss of purging. When I used to purge, I'd have this suffocation fit where for a brief period of time I'd struggle for air and afterward I'd feel like I was in a totally different mood and a totally different emotional situation. It felt like bliss.

Someone reminded me yesterday that its okay to take a day off, or not have to follow the schedule all the time. Yesterday my brother came over and this afternoon I met up with some friends and we had some chinese, had some laughs and walked about. Another thing I should note is that partly because of the stressful running and walking of Friday, as well as a general increase in walking, my walking distance this week is the highest since records began (which is just under a year now). Keeping records helps me cope with disorientation. Facts and data are grounding things for me. My bum hurts, yes that's weird to say. My thighs have been pretty sore after all the activity of Friday and my buttocks have taken the brunt of it. I think that's only a good thing, the bum is a nice muscle to tone up.

Lately this week I've watched a lot of fitness and bodybuilding videos. I wish I could compliment that by actually going to the gym. I was meaning to go today but due to my brother coming over and my own laziness of trying to make things work since friday I've not gotten to it. I resolve that I must definately go tomorrow. I won't be able to go on Tuesday (work), Wednesday (interview) or Thursday (Work + interning), so Monday and Friday are perhaps the best days. I'll also go on saturday but that's because I have a trainer session anyway. I need to show the trainer and myself that I've made progress, and I can't do that if I don't go to the gym. It would be so easy to stop going to the gym. It would be typical of many of the gym customers to just stop going out of laziness or their lack of determination to  create a habit. I have so many 'good' reasons not to go tomorrow (being busy etc), but I absolutely must make time. I guess life is about making time. There are so many things going on and so many things to do that unless its written down or put on a plan, we never end up doing but just thinking.

Talking of thinking, I've been writing a lot more extensive articles on my academic blog. I went until 4am last night just writing. I needed to do more background research than I expected. All the same, I think I benefitted from writing last night. An hour of allocated time to blog took me nearly 3 hours.

Even though I've not gotten everything done these past few days, its a stretch to say that I've been lazy; my walking distances are the highest they've been, I've kept in social contact with many people (including family) and I am still sending out a few job applications.

I don't know when the last time I blogged was. I'll try to make time to blog on here, although not too much time of course.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Like a bad tattoo, you have to carry it with you constantly.

I was just reading this story. There's a certain part of it that I thought interesting. How everyone was so willing to pretend it never happened for the mother.

That's how my family treat what happened to me. Perhaps even I want to play that game. I want to play the game because it is too painful and shameful to even think that I attempted suicide and ended up in a hospital.

As I get older, these events are more like scars. Scars are memories, scars can be concealed but never erased. Like a bad tattoo, you have to carry it with you constantly.

I dont want to talk about the events of today. I will just say this: I got upset in public in such a strong way, I felt like I was thrown into another person, thrown into another time. Thrown back into the old me. The memories, the events are a part of me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ab/chest pains (Radio 4 in the evening)

Good morning evening,

Today is a day of slowness. I woke up after only about 4 hours sleep to go to the gym. I had about an hour long workout. An hour isn't as long as I usually put in, perhaps it was the contributing factors of 4 hours sleep, feeling a little fatigued (probably because I hadn't eaten in a few hours and doing a very intensive ab workout with the trainer. The trainer was really nice, and I think I impressed him with my unfit self pushing myself for him. I have a submissive streak to attractive guys.

I learned about 6 new workouts. Two of which involves someone to act both as a support and a spotter. The other 4 (I hope I can remember them) were very hard for me. They included.

  1. Crunches: half situps but not getting so high up to the sitting position, this means no resting period and makes the workout engage the abs more
  2. Leg something or other workout which involves laying down and lifting my legs up high to give my abs some serious pain
  3. Side workouts which I am not quite sure how to describe: I suppose one could describe it as laying on one's side, on your elbow (kinda) and holding that position while you hold your whole body weight up with your geet on the ground a little bit for support. Alternate version (4.) involves using both arms
After those really intensive ab workouts, I did about 25-30 mins of cardio on the spinner and I focussed on the arm and upper body weights to build on the work I did on them from monday. I find the excercises with the shoulders particularly difficult, and as I got home I found the leg curl especially giving me some pain, which kept me out of action in bed for a few hours after I got home and ate. It's nice to feel my thighs really worked out well however. Green gym is just a completely different vibe by contrast. I went into the sauna for some time after the workout and it was a great comfort to me.

As I got home I saw an episode of Charlie Brooker's latest show and one piece in the show was this, an excellent parody song and I think it reminds me of a certain few people.

I woke up by the time the sun was setting and then I went to tidy up various aspects of the house, which included recycling, doing the dishes, making some food, ironing, putting the clothes away (still haven't completed that yet) and other such little tasks. I also went shopping about in primark today. I bought a sexy little shirt (too little right now), a belt, and a memory foam pillow. Having went to sleep for 3 hours earlier, I attest that the pillow was very comfortable. It's an upgrade from the feather pillow I have currently at least. I hopefully will get some enjoyable frotting from it.

Anyway, I better get back to whatever it is I was supposed to do today. I ate healthily today, I refuse to concede I wasted my day. I tidied up, ironed, cooked a vegetable heavy meal, I even worked out at the gym today. I feel a bit of pain around my abs and my chest at the moment. No gym until saturday I think. Tomorrow is intern day and friday is the interview. I hope life gets better. For now, I need to tidy up the damned house a bit more.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Itinerary for a man who woke up at midday (Bathory in the afternoon)

Lesson of the day: Don't reply to text messages when you are half asleep.

At the moment I woke up fairly late and I am basically doing a 'damage control' measure. I am pondering how to go about my day. I have the following considerations (this is me thinking aloud by the way)

  • Fixed plan: Go to neighbour's for dinner (07:30)
  • Fixed plan: go to counselling in 2 hours
  • Undetermined: go to gym?
  • Completed: tidy up bed, brush teeth, shave, reply to neighbour and mum
  • Suggested actions: tidy up room of mess, tidy up downstairs of mess, tidy up anywhere else, pack gym bag (I'm going on wednesday anyway), iron clothes, put new load in wash, have something more substantial than lucozade for breakfast.

Okay, I think that's a list that is actually substantial before I go to counselling. I'm going to summarise to make it clear for myself:

  1. Tidy up room upstairs
  2. Tidy up living room
  3. Iron and put dry clothes away
  4. put new load in wash
  5. Food?
  6. Pack gym bag.
Okay. I'm done. I've sent this to my phone to help me. Useful use of a blog, by the way.

Monday, February 14, 2011

(Celine Dion in the afternoon)

I though I'd share this video. It makes me laugh a bit.  Partly because I absolutely love this song. It reminds me of aconversation with my (ironically) now-ex. Anyway. I feel I've gotten a fair amount done today, and I still have a bit of energy to do more! Here's a list:

  • Sent off request to GP
  • Applied to job
  • Job Search
  • Tidied up kitchen and sink
  • Ironed clothes
  • Hanged up wet clothes to dry
  • Cooking lunch (made a mess)
Now back to the tasks at hand!

I hope to get to the gym later, and burn off some calories. That's one way to do valentine's !

"If you want to show endurance and strength, face the damned real world"

One thought got me out of bed this morning.

"If you want to show endurance and strength, face the damned real world"

Often I like to live in my head during the mornings, I like to live in memories or fantasy worlds. In those worlds I'm beautiful, or heroic or strong. Perhaps the real world is the world I need to be strong in. Luckily I woke up *fairly* early. My throat is a bit troublesome but not terrible. I hope to get a lot done today. I need to start from the word go if that's the case. After getting up I had a shave, brushed my teeth and now I hope to work on some of the clothes before I send off the countersignatory form.

Mornings are always difficult. It's when the memories comes out most.

Oddly enough, I've talked about this very issue in counselling. Perhaps I'm getting into the heart of the matter of what's wrong with me. Anyhoo, I need to focus on what's 'right' with me, and that will be my self determination.

Wish me luck, because I need that too.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sunday urgh

Good afternoon.

I'm working quite slowly of late. Although I woke up 'early', I seem to have lost much of my time, I'm not sure if its through the long wank session, the computer problem I had earlier (which I solved after an hour) and watching tv and snacking.

Having the house to myself reminds me of how important initiative is. With my parents in the house I'm normally inclined to get stuff done if only to hide from them. Now on my own, I'm enjoying the house and the silence. I think I'm a little bit fatigued from the ill patch I've experienced on Friday and Saturday, as well as the gym session I had yesterday. If I had less to do today, I'd want to catch up with the applications and other such tasks I need to keep up with.

At some point I'll need to iron my shirts and trousers, as well as completing the vetting form for the interview next week. I'm not sure if I mentioned it but on friday I replied to my boss who had said there were three extra shifts. I volunteered for two of them. I thought it would be overkill to take the third one, not least because I have a personal trainer earlier in the day.

I am going to shave, it's the one thing that would make me feel like I'm getting on top of things.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

My boss at the internship is possibly younger than me. That is so depressing.

That is all.

"I think i might even have an early night with all that activity" (Mendelssohn in the evening)

Good evening.

I'm not sure if this is the second post today, I'm not really sure. In fairness, I do feel like I *probably* didn't do vert much. All the same, I feel much better having went to the gym. There was a moment after the first rowing workout when I felt really out of it. The rowing excercise consists of a 20 second intensive workout and then 1 minute of warming down, which repeats 10 times as a process. I then went on with some weights. There is this arm curl excercise that I'm a lot better at than the other workouts so I put more weight into that, I felt a lot more work in my arms after that increase of weight and I then made and effort with some other machines.

Following the weights, I then went to complete a cycle session, I think I broke two parts of the machine (I won't tell if you don't!). That workout really took the steam out of my sails and although I went on do another 15 or so mins of weights, I decided it was time to stop. My throat felt really dry and I did feel a little bit weak. After my shower and slowly putting on my clothes, I went to the supermarket to get some groceries, I easily forgot what I came there for, I had a mental list of things I've been meaning to get, such as more aspirin and paracetamol, more vegetables and more cough syrup. I felt my fatigue increase during the shop, as carrying all of the food and such grew in weight as I found more. Walking home was a bit of a chore but I managed. I spent a long time warming down, and during the time I watched The Empire Strikes Back on the Sky+. As I get older I get something different from that film. I love how dark it is and Luke's personal journey which skirts on the dark side.

I feel kind of tired, my eyes feel a bit bulgy and my cheeks and nose feel a little bit sagging and stuffy. It feels like I've cried a lot. Watching ESB reminded me of the awe I had when I watched the star wars films, especially as I anticipated in the late 90s what the movies would be like when they came out during the 2000s. I suppose I was a little bit disappointed with the newer trilogy but I do think there are redeeming aspects to the new films. Palpatine's character is one of them.

I've found a little bit of nostalgia over the past day or so, part of it is a reminder of when I used to go to the gym in the mid 2000s  (gosh that long ago?!?) as an undergraduate. I felt anxiety and terrible fear with life and all sorts of things, I remembered this one time I went down Gloucester Road in Bristol, which I lived near, but I never traversed because I was afraid by unfamiliarity. One thing that has come up in counselling is the insight that fear and anxiety don't go away: its just how you deal with it that changes.

All the same, I'm glad I went out and did some excercise. I do feel kind of sore in various places, but not as sore compared to the first couple of workouts that I did. I hope this is a good investment! I also hope that I can afford to make ends meet. Typing up this blog post is taking a lot out of me at the moment. I am quite short of breath and my concentration isn't so good. I think i might even have an early night with all that activity. But I do have a lot to do.


I've gone very far without realising that valentine's day has come up. I consider that as a victory. It doesn't depress me or make me feel a sense of pressure (peer, or self induced or family or otherwise) to find a girl. I do have a preponderance to snoop on social networking sites a lot looking at pretty girls though. Yeah I admit it, it's kinda shameful for a person who tries to be all so intellectual. This is a long p.s. --back to work.

Friday, February 11, 2011

" So long as I'm upright, I have a fighting chance to get things done." (Feeling ill day)

Good afternoon (it doesn't feel so good for me),

This morning I woke up early, It was not out of strong motivation or a sense of duty and activity, but pain. I suddenly had a coughing fit and I had a lot of catarrh (new word I learned) in me. I feel horrid, the pain is mostly in the back of my mouth. I feel tired, I'm coughing with a dry throat and it hurts like hell. I began the day with a morning poop, and then it dawned on me to have a bath, the bath was comforting and it slowly eased to the new day.

As I was upright I thought that I might take the day slowly, this included a spot of halo, watching tv, more halo, masturbating, cooking eating and I think some more eating. As I feel really ill today, I really dont think I can focus on anything such as 'applications' or 'catching up'. I feel terribly tired. There are lots of things that I could carry on with, I cant even go to the gym today. I have been debating it in my mind for some time but I don't think it would work out.

Valentine's day is coming up, ugh. I'd rather not remember. I hope I'm not ill. I get I'll about 1.5 times a year and since it was a bit over a year since I've been unwell, I really should try to focus on recovery. I need more energy. I got my payslip yesterday, the pay was better than december, but that doesn't say much to be honest. I've also sent off my available shifts for March. I can't believe it's come to that time when I have to think of March. I'm still in a 'I can't believe it's February' mood. I have trouble spelling February.

I think I might have a cup of boiling water mixed with lemsip in liquid form. If I have the strength, I might even go outside. I could buy wax, more shampoo and maybe an xbox game. Halo is getting a bit old. Maybe I'll watch skins while recovering. I am 2 episodes behind! Oh the efficient use of my time!

So long as I'm upright, I have a fighting chance to get things done.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pandora is a girl's name

It's been a while since I've made a second post in a single day. I guess I haven't had time to openly procrastinate lately. One thing my counsellor mentioned as an observaion is that a lot of my deep feelings of betrayal are attributed to women. This is clearly when it goes into psychoanalytic territory. But there are precedents I guess:

  • Marie (the first) - I've given her the name of Marie but it was her real name. She was a girl I used to contact, an internet friend if you will. Marie was a finalist at the same time I was and we were both depressed and isolated. Marie studied the same course as I and she even had a lecturer that was in my department. Marie was the first person to see me as a special person after the depression affected me
  • (Unnamed of yet friend) this friend I kinda had feelings for, and then she started seeing someone, a friend of mine. That fucked me over emotionally and was part of the events that led to when I was hospitalised. Was she 'responsible'? I dont know how to answer that.
  • Marie (the second - who I often mean when I say marie) - I mentioned how she fucked me over in a previous post
  • That woman in the support group - again mentioned previously
  • Antonia? She did break my heart, but it wasn't betrayal as such, although when she married that guy and fucked other guys, that kinda was....challenging.
I've opened Pandora's box here haven't I? I don't have many good relationships with women, gender is an issue I hardly acknowledge in this blog. Most of my bosses in my internship or voluntary work or at my actual work were female. A great many people who I dealt with in the job centre were female. Many authority figures I come across are female, I think its a great thing. I don't acknowledge it though. That's normally something which is a non personal set of relationships, professional. I can deal well with women professionally. Personally? Now Im not sure how to answer that. For a blog post that I was just trying to put in to pass the time and space out my tasks, I think I'm digging too deep. but it is a good question for further posts to query upon.

What I wanted to say (which pales compared to the previous issue I just mentioned) was that I've sent off one application (which took bloody ages) and I've managed (after 3 abortive attempts to find a place that would do it) to get my passport photos taken. That was damned long winded!

I kinda hope I have a chance to play halo soon. I'm kind of addicted to halo. Maybe that's part of why I've not got anything done, halo and gym. Strange habits to have. It's better than chinese food and constant wanking I guess.

Oh, for a distraction right now (black metal in the afternoon)

Right now I have so much to do and I'm just getting along the slog of it. My parents are off on Holiday tomorrow so they are quite hectic. Yesterday I went to the gym after counselling, and then I went into the sauna. I sat next to a cute girl and a fairly buff guy, I realise that in porno scenes that involve a sauna, the actual sauna convection isn't on. I suspect its not even a real sauna, but some kind of wooden wall and a bench that people fuck in.

Counselling was interesting. I talked about two things that make me feel very uncomfortable and that I haven't really confronted. Marie, and the incident when someone abused the support group that I used to run. I used to be such a different person back then. I was someone who was caring. What happened to me? well, Marie did, and I was dismantled and rendered ever sceptical by the incident with the psychotic girl who caused harm in my group.

This morning I woke up late (again) and I as left thinking about her.I used to be so different back then. It took me a long time to get out of bed, I felt immobilised by that negative line of thought. It was also so tempting as well. Anyhoo, I am now getting on with applications. There's a job I really want to apply for, so I'm shooting out (or trying to) a few applications for today. I've met a bit of a hitch. One of the questions is asking my past addresses over 5 years of history. I cant remember everywhere that I lived in 4 years as a student and one as a non-student. I'm digging up unusual records in order to discern this. Trust me to have eccentric records.

I should say a bit about last night before I go back to working on my applications. I went to the local community group that I visit, and I offered to give some info to one of the people organising a future event. I need to deal with that later, but its low priority. I also had a chat with a guy in the pub afterwards about the video we saw. That's a topic for my other blog though.

Okay back to work. These applications won't do themselves.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Reacting to complex tasks

When I made a start at starting my life over from 2009, I had issues with dealing with large tasks. When there is a large task that I wished to do, I'd start on it and realise there is another step back that I'd need to make in order to move forward. So, that meant there was something I needed to do in order to do y which was x. y wasn't even the end result I was looking for, but it was a step toward the step I needed to finish it. So it looked something like this

Complete y
x -->y
I need to do x

Why am I doing this?

Oh yes, because

But z isn't the end, it's z', but

So in summary,

(x-->y) <--> (y-->z) & (z-->z')

therefore I'd need x in order for z'

But this seems complicated:
result: play halo and look on youtube (no symbols for that)

I've got an interview next week (z'), in order to do the interview, I need to fill out some vetting forms (z). In order to fill out the vetting forms, I have constituent elements of these which as a unity comprise of y <a,b,c,d>, some of the elements within set y require external tasks to complete them x. These include:

  • Getting photos
  • Filling out forms
  • Printing forms
  • Giving the forms to a signatory (ie. GP)
I have set myself 'good time' to complete these tasks, however it does look pretty long winded. I need to complete these tasks soon-ish.

I wish I could wake up early in the damned mornings. I got up at 1-ish this morning, then wanked myself dry until 12, I had lunch until 1:30 and then I did some tasks, then at 3pm I looked at some tv and wanked again, then played halo. Come 4pm I then started getting back to things. Now its 5, I want to do the gym and I dont feel inclined to put so much effort into this damned application form. I feel a little hopeless today. I was reading a blog about depression today, and one of the really notable things that the author noted was that: these feelings pass.

This work isn't going to pass unless I do it. I need to get busy.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


I've not written about what I hope in a long time. I suppose because so much of my life is about meeting the real conditions against the impossibility of what I want. Working out has given me a sense of control over my body, and it has also given me an object to sculpt: myself.

I feel various parts of my body which are quite sore at the moment. My arms, around my underarm, and a bit of my back. I feel really sore around my thighs and areas around my bum, I feel like if I excercise more of these parts, I might sculpt myself into a new body. Will that make me a new person in the way that Mia made me different?

I made a lot of mistakes, and I have paid and am still paying for those decisions. I wonder, however, how much I can change things from now, from today.

Today I did a whole lot of little tasks. A little task in my schedule counts as a half hour task.Often it doesnt really take too long, it consists of reading a journal article, checking if there are any more episodes of star wars and so forth. If one small taks takes 30 mins, I've performed about 26 hours worth today. That includes reading articles on blogs, catching up on news articles from the Guardian and searching jobs. Of course there is a lot more to do, but I'd like to think that I cleared up a good deal of it. Tomorrow I don't intend to go to the gym (I bet I do, though). My intention is to catch up on job applications and those little tasks I've set myself. If i'm lucky, I'll go to the Gym on monday.

Do I feel like my mindset is changing? I'm not sure. Last night I wrote a post to the effect of saying I felt more positive, and then some negative stuff came to my mind: anxiety, regrets, awkwardness and shame. I have lots to do, lots to deal with and I'm always against the clock. I'd like to think however that in an objective sense, I'm getting a fair bit done. It's a stretch to say I'm an overachiever. If you look at my life, I clearly am ot an overachiever. I have a lot to catch up with in my life. It starts with the schedule, and includes the gym.

There are many positives of this week. I'm not good at giving myself a pat on the back without qualifying it with saying 'but there's more to do...', and that part of me always gets the last word!

Pat myself on the back, I did good today.
(but there's more to do...)

sore legs

Good evening.

Its interesting what they say: when you excercise you feel more energy. Surely if you spend an hour or so panting away at some weights or cardio machines, you feel tired as shit? Well, the latter is also true but I do feel like I've found a point of physical efficiency. Judging by that preamble you can tell that I've been to the gym today. I spent about an hour and a half. I did the repts for legs, thighs, back of the arms, and I even attempted (at a lower weight) the shoulder press and the chest press. Those are the weights that really give me trouble. I will need to take a day off tomorrow from the gym to physically recover. Also I have jobs to apply to!

On the way home I picked up some food. I haven't even eaten it all. I had a mars bar (discounted to 14p) and two microwaveable burgers. Now I'm picking up on a chicken salad sandwich which is tiding my over for the evening. I feel a little bit sore but not exceptionally so. It is interesting how I am slowly getting used to the slog of working out. Performing the cardio was almost fun, the rowing machine was still quite a bit of toil but I did find a space in my mind where the pain wasn't as strong.

At the moment I am catching up on things, mainly by reading articles so that I have cleared more of my schedule. I've set a lot of small tasks over the next three weeks. They are mainly reading tasks that I wouldn't otherwise bother to clear on my GReader. Now that I feel a little more energy tonight, I might make some effort to completing all these tasks. I probably will go on until 2am, then I'll stop and have a wank.

Oh, also, well done to the People of Egypt for their protest. I think they have shown themselves to be quite inspirational to the world community. I've kept quite an eager eye on the news lately pertaining to Egypt.

Anyway, back to work.

All by myself

Good Evening.

Today feels pretty short, or long? I don't know. In some ways its short, in others its pretty long. Short: I didn't get much done with applications.

Lond: I spent 2 and a half hours in the gym today! I did some serious working out today, a lot of work on the rowing machine, one warmup, then some weights. I then got quite hurt by the weights, so I then went on this cycling machine. That was pretty intense so I went on the weights again. I then went to the rowing machine and plotted a route for 5000m, that took about 29 minutes to do and I lost about 250 calories overall with the cardio. I feel energised in a way I can't describe. It really cleared my head today even though I ended up feeling a little more tired. On the way home I snacked on some junk food chicken burgers plus a can of pepsi. I haven't eaten much besides today, I just don't feel it.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll see if I can work out some more. I should catch up on various tasks. I worked on the prescribed excercises suggested for me. This included the shoulder press, the chest press, the arm curl and the leg press. There was a moment during the chest pres where I thought that I tore a muscle. It was just pain. There's a difference between pain and torn muscles: one is an excuse to stop.

I found a lot of sexy women in the gym. I know this is shallow, but having a cute lady to look at is great motivation. It is also nice to be in a sauna with two beautiful women. I stole a look at the women during the warmdown. Then this horribly ugly woman came in. I counted to twenty (slowly) and then left. The sauna was quite enjoyable, but it was hard work being there. Today I'll try to catch up on things. Well, for the remainder of today, that is. Will I go to the gym again this weekend? I am thinknig about it. I feel that I haven't damaged my arms *that* much compared to Monday's session. I feel totally comfortable with my body in the gym. I see lots of different people, fit people, unfit people, normal people, bodybuilders, sexywomen, cute guys. I feel like a 'normal person' when I'm in the gym, and I like being around people, even if I don't talk to them much.

I felt a lot of emotional barriers and I felt a lot of challenges of motivation today. I'd like to think that I surmounted a few today and I smashed some calories out of my body. I suppose, of course, that fitness will take more than a single day of a hard workout. I accept that. I guess inthe meantime I should get on with improving the life I have now. That means job searches and reading tasks.

I feel pretty good today, so much so that I don't have anything to complain about, I'm just getting on. I guess I'll leave my complaining and weird shit for counselling. I guess I could worry about my money problems and making ends meet. Particularly as I don't have many hours this month. Today I spent quite a few hours writing on my other blog, I was writing about quite a heavy going academic subject and it was quite enjoyable. I would presume that the post was the equivalent of a mini essay. I haven't even finished the full line of thought yet as I ran out of time. I'll do it another day.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm glad my arms hurt, it subtitutes my inner pain.

I don't know how long it's been, but really, there's not much to say, except what I'll say now.

I had another personal trainer session on Monday, I worked really hard and I pushed myself beyond my limits. Even though I was being modest with my workout in terms of the weights, compared to the other big boys (and girls, it should be said) working out, I did work within what was my physicality and I think I did quite well. The excercise consists of

Chest press: 12-15 reps in a set, 3x set - by set 3 I was really feeling the pain
Shoulder Press: Same - halfway through set 2 I was feeling dead
Leg press: 3x reps but I can go up to 20 in a set, but the 3rd set is the killer
Arm curl: same reps, but I did 6 sets, that was fairly easy compared to the others, I think the trainer said because people are used to those muslces being used there's less resistance in the task.

I started the session with a warm up and a warm down of the rowing machine, that rowing machine is a real killer. After the session I went to the steam room, and it was nice. I thought there was a cedarwood smell, but apparently it was actually a drainage problem. That made me a bit sick after realising that. There was an overweight old woman wearing a bathing suit with her legs open and out while sitting on the bench in the steam room. Were it not for the obscurance of the steamed air, I would have definately felt sick. It was mildly sexual sitting next to a random woman in my underpants. Perhaps it was the anonymity of it.

Anyway, coming home I did what I always do after gym, I played some halo, binged then plonked out on the bed. After waking up I then caught up with applications and then I had some insomnia issues. Yesterday felt like a blur, perhaps because nothing seemingly got completed. I woke up late, I went to counselling. Counselling was actually quite constructive last night, I talked about things that helped me out. I'm a systematic thinker and thinking about the more peripherary issues seemingly leads always to the rotten core. I walked a fair amount on the way, and I did genuinely feel that I made some progress in the session. My counsellor finds it hard to understand me, I find it hard to understand me but I do feel that the systematic connections I make in my thought leave tracks, and history leaves tracks to the present.

Going home, I realised that my arm work on monday really caused me a lot of pain. I was immobilised and I spent most of the evening browsing, and watching an animated series called Aeon Flux, it's so amazing, it's avant-garde and strangely erotic. My kind of cartoon.

Today I am semi conscious of the fact that I need to get ready for work in a few hours, I've got a long evening shift, but it's not going to be too bad. The cute blonde chatty girl will be working tonight, as well as that guy who is nice to talk to but does seem like a borderline sociopathic rapist, or a 14 year old boy in a 45 year old man's body. That fellow is surprisingly articulate and we get one. I suppose that says much more about me than anything.

Oh, another positive thing of today: I've got invited to a job interview! It's for a um, Government job and has a helluva lot of clearance to fill out. I'll probably need to sort that out soonish. I'll learn from the lesson of the last government job interview I had. I bloody hope I get in, but chances are slim. Then again, chances are slim to get interviews, anyway!

I better get on with my tasks for today. I feel notoriously behind with everything. I also realise how inept job applications are sometimes. I saw an internship that asks for 'experience' in a previous internship for instance, people have no chance for work if even work experience requires work experience. What bullshit. I hate this. Anyway, let's hope things get better.  My interview is in South East London, that's damn scary. I don't know anything about south easy london except the time my dad's car got broken into at Woolich 20 years ago for the radio and we had to drive home with a smashed window while freezing in the back.

I've got to get on, with my life, with love, with all sorts. Oh I should mention: I got messaged by a couple of girls this week, one is really far away but was basically saying how sexy I am and how easily if I were living nearer to her, how she would fuck and seduce me. That's hot. I need sex. Also I got messaged by a cute older woman (yes I like 'MILF's) who is the hippy type and finds me gorgeous (or in the common vernacular: someone identical to my ex). At least I'm not chasing 19 year old goth girls anymore. Ugh, my shame.

I'm glad my arms hurt, it subtitutes my inner pain.