Saturday, December 24, 2016

This year's christmas eve was fairly unremarkable. I felt extremely tired all of today. I had a bad insomnia episode yesterday.I went into a bad mental place because I couldn't sleep. Combine that with a lot of very senseless masturbating and I wasn't feeling so great.

I got out of bed finally around 2pm. From that point I was tidying up my room. I did some final christmas shopping. Mainly getting siracha sauce, tabasco and a big beef roast for boxing day. I've bought a really big beef rib to cook. It cost almost half a pony as well.

I've been thinking a bit about what I might call 'magazine reading aspirational thoughts'. Through most of this decade, I've been reading a lot of lifestyle magazines and I've found something deeply aspirational about the way things are marketed and sold to me as a lower-to-middle income man who is now in the 30s age bracket, but I was in the 20s bracket.

Things like watches, beds, tvs, computers, meat, clothes, socks, underpants, USB drives or even data plans are all marketed towards a certain kind of cookie cutter lifestyle. I happen to have a very engaging and busy job these days and I also happen to have a pattern of training very hard.

Last year I was offered some casual work to cover for a woman who worked on a desk that I occaisionally worked on. Then she left, then another woman who worked on a desk linked to the role I took over also was leaving. It turn turned into a full time job (on casual pay). Eventually, I got a contract. What an odd situation it has been What an odd situation it became. What a wonderful development in my life that I ended up finally in a proper job. Not least one that has an impact on the world.

I have to be positive about it, its created a certain lifestyle for me, its created opportunities and not least a bit more money. My health has immproved in some ways and I have had less worries by comparison.

I'm really thankful for that.

I mention the past year because I got an email from 5 years ago from myself, writing on Christmas day. It was my 25 year old self. In a lot of ways there is a large continuity between the person of that time and myself in the present day. He sent me a picture of himself, he had a funny moustache on and he had a blue hoody that I think I got rid of about a year or 18 months ago. I had updated it with something more high tech and mroe personalised to me. I also looked thinner. That's an odd thing to say. I'm probably going to say that a lot.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

almost exactly a year ago, I began to work on the news desk of the place i work on now.

I remember the excitement. I felt like my life went up a gear, I really tangibly enjoyed it and felt that my life was about to change.

On the other side of that, I had to knuckle down and focus on getting the actual work done, which was quite taxing. It was a new way of living for me. A year on and the work and routine of it had become less novel.

But something about thinking upon the 1 year anniversary of working here, has given me a second wind.

It's made me reflect how much I've changed and how many things around me have changed.

I believe it's a posive change.

Dear Diary,

I get home from work late.

When I get home I put on the betting interface,

I go through my list of things. I've set up so many lists: christmas watching, films of 2016, films of 2017, music of 2016, music of 2017, planning for 2017, how to plan for 2017, review of 2016, how to use 2016 statistics as an analytical heuristic for 2017.

Then Something stops me just now to make me want to pause. I'm currently watching Mr Robot which makes me feel very emotional.

What makes me pause is this.

In my process of updating my calendar and putting in new dates, new tasks, planning the week. I have discovered that on tuesday 27th, I have set a weekly repeating task. I don't know how long it goes back, makes me sad.

Tomorrow is the last ever badminton session. After that we are no longer playing as the group. It makes me sad. It makes me feel a sense of loss about something that has been a constant in my life.

I'm going to delete that repeating weekly task on google calendar.

There have been a lot of good things that I don't talk about when I focus so much on the bad. Badminton is one of those things.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Dear Diary,

Today I went Christmas shopping.

I got a new wallet. It is tiny. It is basically a leather case that only carries 4 cards. However that seems to be all I need.

I remember back in 2010 or 2011 I lost my wallet and I was anxious about choosing a new one. I decided to get one that carried a medium amount of cards plus had a change purse and a slot for notes.

In today's world, I just need 3 cards (the fourth one because my contactless on my main bank card is dead)

How things change, and yet stay the same.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Today I was in a menswear section of a department store. This was a store that I've liked and I've been there many times.

I saw an old friend there. This wasn't a surprise. This guy used to work at the menswear store, but I thought he worked in a head office as a buyer or some shit.

Anyway we talked for ages. I really needed some smart trousers for the Christmas work do, but talking is fine for an old friend.

When our conversation ended, he said to me that he wasted his 20s working in retail. Which seemed like an odd thing to say. This is a guy who worked his way to head of menswear at a national chain and he apparently has set up his own businesses outside of work. This guy goes to fancy clubs in London (his facebook says) and he is part of a members club. This is a world that I barely have any contact with.

However, it was odd that he would ask me to look for a sales job for him.

Perhaps I had a different view of his life. Or perhaps he likes to sell an idea of himself that I bought that might not actually deliver.

I dont know what to think anymore.

It was really good seeing him, and he's really damn good at his job.

Also I got a sick discount from him, I must have saved £60

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Something has been upsetting me lately.

Christmas for people who have a hard time. People who are homeless, people who have their troubles, people whose family or friends have troubles. Those with concerns about money, safety, or their wellbeing at large.

I wish for a better world. I can't believe how corny that sounds.

Hunter told me that christmas is going to be a difficult time for her. I want to invite her to stay with my family over Christmas, but my mum didn't like her when she visited.

It weighs heavy on me if my family don't like Hunter.

I want to make her feel good and I want to do things for her.
dear diary,
I have weekends when I allow myself to do nothing. I have weekends where I just focus on looking at tumblrs, xhamster, and wank my feelings and thoughts away.

It's a problem.

It's changing me and my mind, the way I seek pleasure and the way I seek anything else in life.

That beautiful orgasmic hit clears my mind, it is a control-alt-delete of my soul. All my emotional processing and backed up immediate random feeling memories are just wiped in a single rush.

But it's not real. For a brief blissful moment it is all completely wiped away.

Then it comes back slowly. Then I realise an amount of time has elapsed in my real life. I'm a real person. I have real life goals, I have aspirations, I have a vision of who I want to be.

It's not compatible with that addictive escapist mentality.

I miss mia.

I miss her telling me things. There's someone that I message occasionally who reminds me of her. Let's call her - Hidra.

Hidra is like a crack of light in a dark room or a hint of a dark shadow in a light room. I don't know, but she represents something beautiful and almost ephemeral. That's my idea of her and having a false idea of a real person is better than a real idea of a false persona.

I have little hints of a person. I need to find it.

Today I finished work late. I was busy with a christmas rota at work.

I got home late. I decided to comfort myself with some McDonalds. I eat in larger quantities but it doesn't show on my body as I work out so much. I think that if I ate properly I'd get a warrior's body.

When I got home I showered, ate briefly and then I worked on my to do lists.

As I worked on my to do lists I was watching the show Mr Robot and my head was slowly going into a particular place. There's something inside me. Something I must strive to become. I have forgotten about that side of me. I must strive very hard to be that person or to be a certain kind of person. It gives my life meaning and a sense of meaning, justification and [I pause to find the words]

I seek a sense of justification, a feeling of being worthwhile, of being good enough. The kind of thing that a person who has a six pack could just pull up their shirt and say, yup, here's the thing. Now let's talk about Athenian democracy.. or whatever normal people talk about.

I wonder if my intelligence is an equivalent of an intellectual six pack. I wonder if my perseverence and intensity makes me worthwhile.

I'm obsessing. I'm obsessive. I need to be obsessive - or do I? I don't know. i have a pile of books I haven't read, a list of movies I haven't seen, A bunch of audiobooks that will take decades to go through.

I'm trying so hard so fucking hard.

For what?

My thesis.
That seemed to be the thing that mattered
The thing that would emancipate itself from my feeble mind and become an immortal and present idea.

But that hasn't happened.
I hold on to the hope that it does

As it does, I notice my friends and people from my facebook peer group whom I knew from school, university and elsewhere living their lives.

Having children, getting married. Owning homes

I think I'd like that kind of life.

I like a life where I have a desk and a computer and a nice notebook. I like having a desk at work. I like being the go-to person for a national newspaper.

My sense of self.
New and old
Is crashing into each other
What will remain

That's what my introspection will decide.

I'm not focussing on the past
Except when it distresses me
Which is often
Including in my dreams

I should sleep.

Monday, December 5, 2016

In other news:

  • Nice girl on OkC asks me out. I get panic attack and decline
  • Trans friend from OkC re-appears and asks to meet up for coffee
  • Cute bi guy asks me out - heavily intimation of sex (scared/anxious)


  • Anxious about interacting with female colleagues, especially the ones who call me 'love', or 'sexy'. I don't want to be alone with anyone at Christmas party
Hello readers.

So it's december. The cold times.

I almost always write this blog post with the tone of history or sadness.

But I dont know. I'm not really feeling that vibe at the moment.

My panic attacks haven't gone away. But life is moving pretty fast. I'm really involved with stuff at the sentinel. I'm on a contract now, which is great!

I spend a lot of time at the gym or exercising, which has changed my body quite a bit.

My childhood friend has emigrated to Australia/New Zealand for up to 2 years, another friend is going to move to Canada. The badminton group is going to stop at the end of the year.

In a lot of ways there are a lot of transitions for the people around me. I suppose there's a lot of transition or changing in myself too.

I've won £30 in bets this week, can you believe it? I can't. I'm a bit concerned I'll lose my next bet. The saying holds true: you are only as good as your last bet, or your last fight.

I'm worriyng about a lot of things. But I feel like its too boring to even talk about it on here.

Needless to say that I'm really busy with a lot of 'doing' and not much 'thinking' or 'planning' involved.

One thing that I find difficult is that with all the 'doing', my feelings and mindset have not adapted to all the changes going on. I haven't had time to emotionally come to terms with all the things going on. To put it in oversimplified terms. My heart is't catching up with my head.

I want to write more. I should write less about my past memories and how I valorise them, and write about the stuff going on now! Why should I have to wait until I'm 40 to say '10 years ago this happened when I was 30'. I'm 30 now. I should talk about it!

Having said that. My head is going a lot to 2007 around this time of year.

It was Marie's birthay party on 2nd December. I still have the song 'En Vie' in spotify to eternally remind me of my feelings of that time.

I think this blog (and the time in which it was highly relevant) still stands as a monolith of what seems heavy or significant to my life or my sense of self.

But...I believe that can change.

Perhaps I understand what Marie meant when she said: Let go.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

10 years ago on this day I was hospitalised.

It was my darkest day. Except maybe for today.

I'm facing a lot of dark times. A lot of people around the world have fears about the new political situation of Trump getting elected. The mood at the sentinel is very low right now.

I wish I had some kind of pastoral lesson or positive message of strength. I'm just getting on. I'm making sure that my room and the house is tidy and in order.

Fuck that reminds me- I need to get my washing done.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

dear diary,

i'm re-living my demons a lot lately. I'm having some bad panic and anxiety episodes. Its making me want to avoid social contact and any kind of friendly closeness with anyone. It's my way of protecing myself from something absolutely terrible inside myself.

I had some bad insomnia lately, too. This weekend is almost as bad as when I had a cold not long ago. I have a mind cold - i.e. a bad depression/anxiety/panic episode.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Dear Diary,

I am experiencing triggers lately.

One just happened. I'm ordering some huel from the huel place and it connected to my paypal. I then saw all my past addresses. My past addresses are a history of who I used to be and who I am now. I still have the address from first year halls, fourth year postgrad digs and, design desk at the Sentinel newspaper.

It makes me reflect, how I've come from where I've been. It hits my heart a little.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

I'm spending the past hour trying to define a look for myself:

  • Corduroy jeans, it has to be a jean pocket, slim fit
  • Thermal crew neck longsleeve T
  • Boots, brown, mens size 10, steel toe cap chelsea dealer boots
That was my defining look. 

I mythologise the past as more time goes on. I need that outfit right now. I might buy a gi as well.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Dear Diary,

I'm updating my calendar and events over the past few days (i've left notes on gkeep about what I'm behind on.

A couple of wednesdays ago: 2009 anniversary: My brother's band has a debut album party. 2016, I have a probation review for my FTC

A couple of fridays ago: 2015: I see a play with my friend who is a shit actor, 2016: I have a disability meeting with HR

Sunday, October 9, 2016

My Calendar says: on this day (2010) - I received offer of work at Shambly arena.

2016: I am too busy to think about the past as I plan my week.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Tonight I've got the presidential debate on through 2 tv feeds, while leaving on stockhausen on spotify

Monday, September 26, 2016

dear diary

The year is 2004. It is the start of university in my fist year. The Bush-Kerry presidential debates are on TV. The issues on my mind are the iraq war, the WMD question and how I can fit in and one day become an academic philosopher.

My friend had a heart attack. I went to boxing today, I did some gym after work. I work in a national newspaper. I am currently watching sky news, waiting for the debate between Trump and Clinton (who the fuck would have expected that in 2004?).

I had a memory of my past. I keep referring to past memories from certain periods of time. Memories become like crystals, crushed into beautiful shapes as the time buries it

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Its the early 2000s and my brother started gigging, he looked like the shit, and older and cooler than me.

It's the mid 2000s, bro is still gigging and a little more experienced, skilled and popular. He looked the shit and I was his cool bourgeoning brother, plus i 'could' be sexy in a few years, that kind of look.

Its the late 2000s, bro is still gigging, I think he's awesome, but I see other bands who are his warm up acts and they have a freshness and energy he used to have. I notice that the sound of bands who are getting more currency are changing a bit, although my Brother is still in the loop. His coolness begins to diminish

I have this memory as a brief vignette. I thought I might want to share it.

I miss my friend. Still no news after his heart attack. I went to the Rodizio restaurant that we always went to. I told the man about what happened to him, the waiter said he wishes him well. That rodizio place is our favourite eatery.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Dear Diary,

My best friend had a heart attack. Last week around this time on sunday evening, I was likely the last person he contacted.

Things are a bit heavy right now. My best friend had a heart attack. That's pretty fucking heavy to deal with.

Plus I have my own problems on top of it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Dear Diary,

My 'On this Day' today has 2012 which says:

  • On this Day I was at an International Paralympic Committee reception, Sir Philip Craven was there, it was an amazing day. 
I entered two this week:


First day as Editorial Assistant at The Sentinel. I'm not a casual anymore!


Updated my Linkedin: Editorial Assistant at The Sentinel (several desks) -I'm not a casual anymore!

After work today, I did the gym, after gym, I had some prawn toast from the local. I've really gotten into japanese food lately. I'm starting to feel like a normal person. 

Except for the fact that I sitll have crippling night terrors, panic attacks and a belief that I only have two weeks to live :(

Monday, August 29, 2016

Dear Diary

I have no Idea who I am sometimes. I keep regressing to the music I liked in my early 20s, probably because I really liked my hair back then. I feel lost in time.

But there's other things recently that make me feel lost in time:

  • I've just been with a man recently
  • I play a sport regularly as part of a social club
  • I train a lot
  • I sleep regularly and get up relatively early
These arent the things that i thought were me.

A big storm is coming and I must not be complacent. I know the temptation is that I enjoy life as it is but the earthquake will shatter me. I have to brace myself for it. For now, all things are on hold, all bets are off. 
Dear Diary,

This weekend consisted of: gym on saturday, resting after gym, catching up on stuff then playing no mans sky, and a lot of wanking; then on sunday - sleeping a lot, going to the gym, eating a bit, and planning my week. I didn't spend much time looking at the news and it felt a little satisfying to plan my week.

I also bought a prom ticket to see Rattle conduct - I love how he focusses on the more avant garde things

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Dear Diary,

One thing that has been on my mind is the importance of a tidy bed, and a tidy home. From that, all things flow.

My knee is still injured so I've only done light gym work. I fell asleep this afternoon after gym this morning. I think I'll allow it, I need to plan my week

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Dear Diary,

I hurt my knee.


I might be overtraining.
Following the sage advice of Comedian Issy Suttie from her standup routines, I'll frame this post in the form of 5 observations, and 5 things I can be happy about in life


  • I hurt my knee today at the gym, what hurt the most was my pride
  • I've been offered a contract at work
  • I had sex with a trans guy on friday, he wants to meet up again
  • My friend has a drinking problem and it's souring the friendship group
  • I have a hole in my favourite trousers. I need to get new ones from uniqlo, and as I'm already there, I'll buy some things

Things to be happy about

  • Apparently I am sensitive and thats a very nice sexy thing 
  • I have massive traps that people look at when I flex them
  • Transguy said I have a gorgeous cock (blush)
  • There's a difference in life between the way I see myself and the way people see me
  • I'm less worried about money than I used to be when I wrote on this blog in the past

Thursday, August 18, 2016


The day I got my a level results. It used to be a big momentous day on this anniversary. However in recent years a reminder of things that disappointed me in life

2012 (marked in my diary)

The night out that was epic, that every time I retell the story in my mind it becomes more epic and probably more false. We saw expendables 2 with the guys, had a night out, my crew ended up in a girls house with two gay guys and all of them were trying to pull us. I gave my mate one of my condoms because he got lucky. He gave it back to me (not the same one of course!) a while later


I'm working at the TV guide today. just another day. I'm feeling a bit heavy set because of physical pain issues and so many things hanging on my mind and weighing my emotions down.

I went to the gym after work, then did a gym class. It sailed by and as I got home I bought a few ciders to drink and some beef to eat. I found as I got home that my new phone sim came in (which caused me an hour of grief to sort out the number {ongoing story}).

I then contract for work. I've been offered a job. It's a nice amount of K's, health insurance. I never believed it would happen. My self esteem must be so low that I feel undeserving of human dignity or respect. I have gone through a lot in my mind, experienced torments and night terrors that have distressed me that I cannot tell anyone about because they are so terrifying. My world and my life recently has been a torment.

Someone said to me recently that I can spend more of my time living and choose not to spend so much of my time re-living things. I work in a national paper where the big things happen that send waves around the world (except now as its slow news month), I've done it so much that I just call it thursday.

I need to take things at my stride. I am changing as a person lately. Perhaps these are the changes that were overdue. I am good at my job.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Dear Diary,

I'm carrying something. I'm carrying something so terrible it will change and poison the world around me and everything in my life. This is what I carry that I feel so burdened with that takes away from all of the good that I've done in my life recently.

Today I managed to go home early. I sneaked out without anyone noticing, well, people noticed but what I mean is that nobody immediately needed me.

I got home early, it was a really horrible train journey but I dived into my phone in order to hide from what was a sweaty, humid and packed carriage. I went to lidl on the way home, which is something I am increasingly doing. I bought a watermelon, which I haven't done before.

I cooked my usual, ribeye steak. I milled about a bit, had a couple of conversations with my dad and then I got on with what I had been wanting to do all day - play No Man's Sky. Today on the Radio 4 today programme, there was a piece about pornography addiction. It stuck on my mind because the last time I had sex I recognised there were 'issues'. I think I should cease my mental habits and try to change my nature a bit.

After playing no man's sky (stopped after motion sickness), I decided to get on with some forward planning for the week. I have been setting what I call 'non priority schema' tasks (NPS) which involves things that I have been meaning to do or that I generally do but wouldn't unless I was totally deliberate about it. I also went through some post it notes that I left on my google keep which made my to do list appear quite unruly.

I dived into the task I've been avoiding for ages, catching up on the post it notes. A lot of these tasks I had put off and having done them I feel a satisfaction.

I've been thinking about (overthinking even) how I compare to the past versions of me. It is an obsession of mine. I idolise the past version of me that did the 'A' levels and got 100% in exams. The later version of me during the undergrad years lived in that shadow, and yet he discovered a different and fulfilling sense of self, with a different darkness as well. When I had the eating disorder, my thinking was -- skewered. Thinking about my life and my past is a way of coming to terms with the things that were skewered, confronting.

I had some night terrors this morning, and yesterday afternoon as well. They were unspeakably horrific, but wouldn/'t make sense if I could tell you what they were. I think that I'm acheiving a sense of excellence in my life, although I also think that there are darknesses that blight me.

Perhaps all things are a mix of good and bad. At a good party, there are the unresolved problems in friendships, the awkward conversations, and then those really good bits too.

I need to let them pat me on the back and say good job. I'm shrugging it off too much.

Speaking of Shrugging. I'm planning to do another 12 week fitness programme.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Dear Diary,

My life is sometimes like a lost episode, or breaking bad when they have the flashbacks. I am constantly reminded of memories of the past. That's often in the background of my mind and experiences.


Editor has left the magazine and we are going to a piss up in his honour. Editor says: 'I don't have as much social anxiety because everyone here is here for me tonight!'. I get lots of bizarre comments about my body which make me feel uncomfortable. Not because of what they said (although it is), but because of my own issues.

One guy hugs me and says my body is like stone and he could rest in my arms all night, which was a bit gay for a very macho man to say. What liberating times we live in to be so genderfucked to say such things (not sarcasm). Editor then says I'm the buffest guy on the desk. I feel strangely proud of that. But then that pride turns to Christian/Catholic pride (the sin which should invoke shame).

Another guy says to me later on in the night: when you have your hair down (out of the bun) you look like a God. I blush. I then say trying to hold my composure - I know that a little bit already. I then wink at him

Flashback: Sweaty sex with my first love, my hair over her face as I'm on top of her in penetrative sex. She loves the feeling of my hair fully over her head and face, longer than hers, longer than most men's, down almost to my hips (when wet). I Didn't realise it then but I really was a sex god.

I smile, thinking of this memory, in another conversation, in another time period, in another era of my life, in another version of who I am supposed to be.

I went home on the tube, with some colleagues.

I am in my darkest points of my life. In hospital, being assessed by duty nurses. Filling out forms in a panic. I believe my life is over

I try to hide the fact that I feel a real sense that I fit in to this motley crew of folks.

I get home. The olympics are on. I watch the badminton. I eat some shitty junk food and can't be arsed to eat my protein. I sit in my clothes

I've come home on my own after many nights out. Feeling alcohol filled and alone with my thoughts. In those instances I wonder what is worse: facing my demons while drunk, or facing them sober. Of course sober means another thing to me - not the absence of any influences of alcohol or things like that, but the calm reflective and hard look on my life

It's a night out, everyone is about to finish their master's degrees. I am eating with a world famous Kant scholar with university professors. I am star struck.

Last night was a night out, I met esteemed cartoonists, editors of big wig publications, radio critics, tv critics, people who know people, media types and I hold my own in conversations. I like how I am asked personal questions from my colleagues and team. I never thought my life could be like this.

It's a wednesday, I think. I can't remember. I wake up at 6-7pm every night because I can't sleep and I can't stay awake atthe same time. The only succour I have is through masturbating and going to eat horrible chinese food that isn't like the place back home. I think about how I want to kill myself. I was going to go back home this weekend to for a family birthay, sister's 30th. I never made it. Yet I didn't die.

But maybe I did. I sometimes believe that I've been dead for a while, and the life that has happened since then is some bizarre sorcery that stops me from decomposing. I am decomposing, my mind and body warping into something I don't recognise.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Dear Diary,

lately I feel that reading anything particularly technical, like philosophy or music, upsets me and invokes a certain kind of adverse reaction.

Not sure if this is also related. Today I was pratciting clarinet in the garden. I felt very insecure, my breathing and tone was awful, my embouchure was fucked and my finger-tongue co-ordination is shot to shit. I felt very insecure, very vulnerable,inferior.

I need to work on clarinet a lot more, and piano. Back when my teacher died I picked up the instrument again and I've kept it up to some small degree ever since, however in recent months it's gone down a bit.

I've also made a bad decision just now to have a can of kopparberg after I walked home from the community garden. I am supposed to go to the gym in 25 mins but instead I feel drowzy.

God alcohol feels good, I miss drinking ciders.

In other news, I've got a new editor at work (one of about 5 editors I work under). We are having a big meeting later on monday morning. I'm scared and excited. I'm eager to please and yet I want to be as supportive and professional as possible. It's pretty cool that we are getting more female editors at work.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Dear Diary,

I wonder what life will be like when the day comes when I'm without my parents, who supported me through my disability and through all the awfulness I've brought them in recent years.

There was a time a few years back, when my godmother died (also very close friend and neighbour and basically family), when they had to leave the country for reasons too long to go into, and I was left to help sort out the wedding for her widower.

I felt at that point in my life that I suddenly grew up and shit got real. I also felt a sense of assurance that I can be a mature person once in a while. The heaviness was difficult though. To be serious and sombre and keep up the show for everyone else also meant that I had a diminished repetoire of emotions that I'd normally have.

To put a crass analogy, it is like when Hot Rod in transformers had to take up the mantle of being the leader of the autobot transformers after Optimus died, and in an episode in season 3, he gave up his powers to give the matrix back to Optimus who was reanimated temporarily (long story), he turned back into his carefree and younger hot rod self.

I think there will come a point where I face a seriously mature situation where I can't revert again. I  think that I've already reached it a few times.

Tonight I'm clearing up my feedly starred items. It's about 500 days of saved philosophy papers, encyclopaedia articles and opeds

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Dear Diary,

I did my 10 week fitness programme. I'm kind of proud of myself. Now I'm thinking. What next?

I did work and after work I went to badminton. After badminton I was exhausted. I've got a few admin tasks that I could do but I also feel like it would be a great use of my time to just put the tv on, listen to the news and doze off to sleep while pissing about on my phone on feedly catching up on RSS feeds.

I have so many little niggly tasks that I'd like to do if I have a spare thought. Theyare all listed on GKeep:

  • Listen to Bryony Gordon audiobook
  • Download some papers
  • Find alternative to google alerts
  • Look at upcoming BBC proms
  • Look for new cologn

Monday, July 25, 2016

Dear Diary,

Recent news has come into the family grapevine. Two of my cousins are pregnant. One of which is pregnant after a lot of difficulties in the past after having kids.

A lot of this stuff is very much in the foreground. Although I notice that lots of people are moving in lots of different directions in life lately.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Dear Diary,

My 30th birthday happened.

I realised a certain irony in my life. I have this revelation, a deep and instinctual realisation that I iwll die alone. The irony is that realising this, I've become afraid of being close to anyone or engaging with too many people - thus creating the situation that I dread.

On my birthday, it was a lazy saturday. I watched some Andrew Marr, the sunday AM programme as it was known before, and then before that, Breakfast with Frost, was a staple of my life since 2005. I was a little bit of a politico when I was about 17-19, and then I just lost interest and everything became bland.

Skip to the days leading to my 30th birthday. I'm an occaisional syndication editor and keeping an eye on the fluid developments of the enws is an important part of the job description, and also a lot of fun for me.Having said that. I really do wish politics was boring right now. The country and the world is going into a direction I am not so keen on.

I was working a 6 day week, which is rare for me now. As I did so, I decided to spend sunday (the birthday) on my own. No family, no friends. Alone in the way htat I think I will die on my last day.

I decided to watch andrew Marr, have a wank, and then go to a local posh gentrification cafe. As it happened, the hipster 20 something cafe had a queue, so I went to the late 30s-40 something posh gentrification cafe. I had a 'full British' (note: not 'full English') and I liked the sourdough bread. I read a lot of food magazines and food supplements (as I work in a national paper), and I appreciated every little detail of the breakfast. Fatty organic pork sausages, local British chicken eggs, sourdough bread, genuine scottish Black pudding. Why is it that middle class people love to have food with a fucking story behind it? Is it food or is it the Aeneid, a book they pretend to have fucking read.

After the english breakfast I went home, I fell asleep for a couple of hours and I rushed to the gym as I realised that I was late for my planned workout. I was doing my 3 hour workout plan (intended to be 4 but I fell asleep) and I was already behind. I was on week 8 of my 'men's health beach body' plan.

If i'm honest. This workout has actually worked miracles on my body. I'm not a beach body with sexy chris hemsworth abs, but I do have abs now (at an angle and a certain light), my arms are bigger and my shoulders and chest have gotten HUGE. Lots of my friends have commented on it and the guy from boxing calls me 'muscles'.

Three hours of gym - it was intensive. I went into various dark places in my mind. Insecurities and fears. As I walked to the posh cafe on sunday morning, I thought I'd do a little exercise of the mind. I'd go through every year of my life and try and reflect on it ever so briefly. It went like this:

0, 1: no comment, no memory
2: learnign to recognise the world, mummy daddy and siblings
3: I like kippers and my mum
4: started school - I miss my mum
5: Getting more adjusted to school
6: Starting to realise (as a 30 year old) that this period of time was confusing and I was more in my own world than the real world
7: starting to make friends, some really good friends
8: one friend is leaving to go to middle school. I feel devastated through the whole year knowing its our last year
9: this is the year goldeneye came out and I started to relate more with my older brother and his generation of friends
10: spice girls, britpop, sister going to university - nice memories mixed with the sadness of not having her around
11: secondary school - feeling scared and isolated again, but the seeds of special friendships begin
12: secondary school: really getting into star wars - a way of me bonding with people at school
13: episode 1 the phantom menace! I realise now that I was a bit oblivious to the things other teenagers went through (i.e. sexuality developing in an acceptable way)
14. deputy head teacher kills himself after allegations - this is something that still haunts me, as I have memories about him that now can be considered inappropriate of him - this is a bit of adark stain on the rest of my life, but I don't realise this
15: 9/11 and GCSEs, I don't really have a clue about girls and dating but I do have outcast friends
16: sixth form begins - I start coasting but then I reel in and discover an academic side to myself, not so many friends
17: The year I really discovered myself. I think bout this era so much in my mind
18: pass please
19: You can't pass a year - oh come on, man, I think about certain years way too much. So, pass.
20: 'that year'. Pass
21: the year I made myself and broke everything
22: year of the girlfriend
23: year of the breakup and rebuilding life
24: working at part time-ish job, a bit of a waster year
25: waster year, but have brief relationship with girl who was a glimmer of light. I had psychotherapy during this period
26: still doing psychotherapy then I decide to stop soon after birthday. Still a waster, but start to get interesting job interviews that I don't end up getting
27: can't really remember - a lot of bereavements though, waster year in personal life, but sadness makes me grow up
28: year i fucked up big time
29: this is not as bad a year compared to the shitty 20s. In the past 6 months I've done a lot of gym and fitness stuff. I really have turned around my body. My mind is in shattered pieces but I still live on. Career wise I'm doing 3 jobs and doing things which  I'll probably be proud of in the future

I wonder what the future holds. For a disappointing life, the last year is slightly redeeming. That's my reflection and perception change from that exercise in re-living my history. Also - autism sucks.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

dear diary,

I'm alone this weekend. That sounds almost like it has an emotional component to that utterance rather than just the factual component.

I suppose both intonations were intended.

I've been spending the day trying to catch up on things. Part of my thoughts in the back of my mind feel like my designs to have a plan for the day are doomed to fail.

Another thing on my mind: lately I've been collecting puzzles from newspapers. In particular, the codeword.

I decided to throw some of the codewords away because I haven't started them and I realise that realistically I won't have a chance to do so.

I wonder if I actually will have time to ever read all the papers I want to read, or write the things that I want to write.

If I accept that I can't do it all, in the way that I have thrown out my crossword puzzles cut out from the paper - would my life and outlook have so symbolically changed? I feel like it would, I can't explain why. I feel like I'll be giving up a big commitment that I had invested in myself.

Perhaps its time.

My room, and my mind, are getting cluttered.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

I think that I have some very bad addictive problems. It's slowly eating my mind and I dont know if I can come out of what its made me. I feel very bad for how my compulsive behaviours are taking me to places that I don't like.

I got a lot done at work today. The Sentinel paper has gone through a wave of voluntary redundancies and there's a lot of red tape around all the administrative processes .

I spent a lot of the day watching netflix and iplayer documentaries. I must admit there's a good series on about 19th century social science wank figures (Marx, Nietzsche and Freud).

Something inside me is screaming. I've been training a lot lately. I did about 90 mins of weights and calisthenics at the gym today after work. I find that I feel a lot more energy, I feel that because I am less in pain and less tired and my appetite has less of an affect on my emotions.

For the past 4 days I've come home and sat at my desk. I've had a list, items in an agenda to complete a selection of tasks. Some of these tasks are quite long. One task is to write up a list of the 2016-2017 premiership football matches (for betting purposes where the teams are unbalanced). I don't think I'm even half way through.

Another thing I want to do is to keep up with my reading. I really need to be serious about this. Yes, I read a lot of broadsheets (working in one helps) and magazines but I need to catch up on journals. I need to catch up on what my friends from uni days are doing nowadays. I need to find out what the latest thinking on philosophical issues are. I also need to learn a lot more maths.

I have so many ideas for myself and so many ideas of what I want to be and who I want to be, that I'm not very good at actually realising them. Well, it's a matter of scheduling, and energy.

I've been reading a lot of news stuff. I am keeping up pretty well with my fitness routine (although I'm only as good as my last workout). I did 17 hours of training last week.

Perhaps the best thing I can do with all of my goals to be a musical-fitness-intellectual polymath is to get a good amount of sleep.

p.s. I feel very very lonely and isolated. I really wish I was hanging out with more people my age.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

dear diary,

I've asked to take a day off from work. I think I need it. I've been overwhelmed with everything lately.

I have spent my morning sleeping in, I got up about 12. I had some horrible panic dreams, which sucked. It was like when I was depressed back in the day. I'd want to stay in bed because my body just felt like giving up. But then there was the feeling that if I stayed in bed I would be more misterable because I wasn't living my life and wasting away. This feeling was only brief as I eventually got up out of bed.

I had a big lunch (note to self: log it on myfitnesspal), and I've been going through my admin tasks that I'd normally do on a sunday. I realise that I have about 2 hours before I need to go to badminton and my day is basically done. What a shitty, grown up boring day off. It really sucks. I end up doing things that I really need to do and I have even been working a bit by email.

Working in a national newspaper is a lot of strain, even with a relatively lowly position such as mine, the organisation is going through so many changes with the decline of print media and it has a knock on effect on the workload and the scope of my work. My physical health is the best it has ever been. I think it is the best it will ever be. The guy at the work boxing club called me muscle boy. That's kind of a compliment.

I also went to a kink party last weekend. I want to talk about that but I feel like I've got so much else I need to focus on right now.

I have to do everything and hit the ground running. I don't have space to stop, I don't have time to stop. Most importantly, I have the wellbeing and health to be stretched in this way. Perhaps this is the person I should be right now. Except for one thing - I feel like I'm so very close to my own death. I feel like I know when its going to happen and how, and it saddens me.

I better get back to work.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

dear diary,

One of the problems I have with setting such a high bar for myslef is that I hardly get things done and finalised.

Last week I asked to join a boxing club set up at work. The first session is tomorrow (wednesday). I'm a little bit scared but I think it will be exciting.

I think I have observed sometrhing in myself lately.

Over the past few weeks, I think, I might be right here - that I have a bit more physical energy. It's nice. It's nice to feel that.

Anyway. I better go to bed. I was really deliberate about how to spend my time after I finished badminton.

Getting enough kip has been so important to me lately.

Monday, June 13, 2016

dear diary,

I just wrote a letter to myself, in the future. Three selves: 39, 49 and 59.

God that fucking scares me.

It also made me feel a little philosophical.

It reminds me I need to email another friend of mine.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The ambience around me

Today was a busy wednesday at work. For some reason I missed the train, so I got the later one/made an alternative route.

Today was moderately busy at work today. I managed to get a lot done. I finished work late and most of the people around me had left already. I thought that I would go to the gym after work. I may have mentioned that I am doing a second Men's Health workout programme. This one is called 'beach body', it's 10 weeks and I'm into week 3. The workout that I did today was punishing. I felt like I pushed myself to uncomfortable physical places, some of them were in jobs not dissimilar to what I did or what I do now (which is in no large part how I know/knew them). The other thing is that a lot of them went to pretty decent universities and then ended up working at the paper and moving on elsewhere.

I feel unremarkable after looking at their lives. Part of me feels disappointed. A larger part of me feels a general sense of: I wish that I lived a more fulfilled life, or a life of more distinction. Then some other parts of me are the demons.

When I was without my laptop I was cherishing the moment that I'd be on my desk, having the time, energy and space to just sit at my desk and philosophically reflect on my life as I am doing right now. I valorise this experience and yet it seems so mundance. I am silent in the ambience of my comptuer fan and many TVs of neighbours (and Dad downstairs) in the distance.

Something else has upset me recently. The feeling that I am isolated from the world. A feeling of being...lonely? This seems almost bizarre because I feel that I'm around so many people and my personal relationships have been (with a few powerful exceptions) at an all time great.

Something hit me emotionally, which spurred me to write right now. A feeling of underachievement, a lack of significance. Then the realisation hit me. Despite all the ways in which my life has (radically) changed in recent months. Something deep inside me stays and sticks. It's the thought of: I'm not good enough

It's still inside me. It is almost comforting to revisit that realisation, it is comforting because there is a resounding harmony between myself and the self of the past..

If there's one thing that I need to do before the night is out, it is to write some emails to myself on futureme.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Things on my mind


I came home late one day this week from work. I went to the gym and did a long session and it was already dark as I came in. I saw two 'to let' signs on my neighbour's house. I felt a bit of a gut wrench - I'm not sure why. Something about my neighbous moving out upset me. A lot more of the houses here are lettings. I feel like the housing crisis of London is really weighing heavily on me, it's something that shits on me and I pretend it doesn't stain me.

The neighbours on this road have changed over the years. I'm not even that old, but I feel like so much changes that I dont recognise the world around me that's changed, and I don't recognise myself in the world that has changed.

I'm a bit slow today

Today I changed my routine. I normally spend saturdays getting up really early, going to the gym. After gym I have a long lunch and then hulk in bed and sleep until about 4-5pm as my brain and body feel completely fried.

I did something different. I decided to stay in. I have done a bit of house work today. I've felt a bit low and my back is in a lot of pain. I had a realisation just earlier. The realisation is: I've learned to try and accept things as they are and get on. It means giving up on my expectation of the perfect outcome.

I met an old uni friend this week, we were talking about another mutual friend who had some troubles in love.A girl was really into him but he didn't make a move even though he knew a relationship could have happened and she liked him back. Our friend didn't do anything because he was afraid of failure. I said during this discussion that he was afraid of succeeding too. Because it was so unfamiliar to him to be close to someone and to be in a relationship and to actually 'win' for once, he became inert to making a move. My friend then replied: that also counts as fear of failure, to not take part because of the fear of succeeding.

I was thrown by that comment and it's one of those things that I have been sitting on for a while.

I can relate a lot to the sense of inertness. I feel like things need to be a certain way for me to get things done. My desk is organised in a very specific manner and almost every item on my desk performs a function, if one of them were missing or moved, I'd feel very frustrated and I'd feel that I couldn't function.

My body feels very tired and my mind feels very slow. But I realise that some things that I've set myself to do are important that I need to get over myself and get over my body woes to get things done.

My old gym instructor (she's away on surgery) used to often say: we are always tired, it's called life.


Memories always have a place in my mind and way of thinking. Memories form such a big part of how I view the world - as I hve a very efficient memory and recall. I've been recoding some aspects of the past. I used to do Aikido. Back when I started this blog I was regularly doing Aikido, and then I did it less regularly, and then stopped.

I have lots of memories of going to aikido class on fridays, being in excruciating pain and getting fish and chips after class and feeling sweaty. I had a lot of trouble doing very ordinary house tasks like cleaning my clothes properly and cleaning the house.

I find keeping the house tidy a form of emotional labour. I can sort out subediting shifts and keep several departments at work in order in my professional life, yet the thought of vacuuming or tidying up the dust behind my desk fills me with a unique kind of fear. I dont know why that is.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Since working full time I've gone into a pattern of behaviour and living. I did this 3 month body transformation workout plan and my body has changed a bit. That ended at the start of April (I'm still working out by the way).

I am now thinking of trying a 10 week mens health 'beach body' transformation workout. Since I was quite satisfied with the results of my initial workout plan, I figure I'll try this one.

I have set up week one on my google drive. They consist of 5 workouts this week. They all look pretty small if I'm honest. One or two of them do frighten me, though, the pull ups scare me as I have very little upper body.

Today after work I decided to go to my desk and catch up on admin stuff. I always say to myself - I'll do it later, I'll do it when I have more energy. The realistic thing is - I don't have that time later and the time is now. I normally made a routine of going to bed, laying down on skype and half arsedly do some admin on my phone using google keep. Tonight I sat at my desk, set up the dual screen and grafted through som admin.

As it turns out, I didn't get everything done, but I got a good whack done. As its getting close to midnight I figured to myself: I'm only going to do two more things now, one of them is that I tidy my room (not done yet) and the other was to set up this workout plan.

I was thinking about planning the rest of my week on gcal/gkeep, but I will put that on the laterbase. Tidy room is a priority.

I think I'm different now. I was watching a documentary today, it was the latest Louis Theroux documentary on people who have experienced head injuries. One friend of mine who is a nurse comes into contact with people like this regularly. The thing that is often reported about folks who experience these kinds of injuries is that they are changed as people. I saw some really powerful changes in people in this documentary. The married couple especially was upsetting.

I think I'd like to end my post by writing 5 things I would like to be ambitious about achieving in the future:

  • No more night terrors 
  • Having more money
  • Reading my book pile
  • Getting my receipts processed
  • Having more energy
Is it boring that I spend my blog focussing on how I find daily life challenging? I wish I could say cool intellectual stuff or talk about fanciful sexual adventures. I supopse none of those things can happen without a tidy room or proper administrative processes.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

To past me (of 2006)

Hey you,

It's 2006, summer is coming. Exams are worrying you. Your cousin W is getting married, your sister just announced she's getting married too (but you don't know when) and another cousin is set to get married soon.

You have anxiety, but the depression has lifted temporarily. You are starting to make friends at uni and starting to find your tribe.

Unfortunately, you thought you saw the worst of it. That tribe eventually falls apart and they leave you. Your health does get better, but it gets worse first. You don't meet a girl for another year and a few months and by then you already went to a mental hospital and attempted suicide, plus you have anger issues that still affect me today.

What I want to say is: don't sweat some of the small stuff, or even the big stuff. Just keep being you.

You are going to make some mistakes along the way, some small, some big, some really big. Some are life changing to such a degree that I still regret them. But I am not writing to you about that.

You will not find much luck or fortune and life won't be fair. You will find a place, maybe for a while, not forever, but you do find places that you belong. Your pain and the shit that stuck on you makes you a pretty special person. You don't realise that now

You don't realise that you are also quite an attractive person inside. Eventually you become quite a sexy man (and its not just the hair). But don't worry about that, don't even look forward to it. What matters is who you are now and what you are aiming for. That is so important to who you are now, it became fundamentally important to who I am right now.

I know that you miss the past. You miss belonging somewhere, having a name and being someone recognisable and someone who felt special. You will learn that you can find those things in other aspects of your life.

20 things that have happened to me in recent months

Instead of an 'I'm sorry I haven't posted' post. I thought I'd list 20 things (an arbitrary number I came up with while thinking about this blog post while having a shit) that I've been through recently.

  1. My brother got married
  2. My contract at work got extended for a month, then...
  3. My contract at work got extended for another 6 months
  4. I did a 3 month mens health transformation programme and it did transform my fitness
  5. I keep a regular (maybe strict) gym routine
  6. I work full time now
  7. For a year since June I was working as a syndication editor (really!)
  8. Since the start of this month the syndication service got cut down significantly to just one day a week
  9. Until the start of this month I was doing 3 jobs at the sentinel
  10. Now I'm just doing two
  11. I am earning a bit more money
  12. This also means I have less personal time
  13. ...less time to blog
  14. ...less time for friends
  15. ...less time for family (sadly)
  16. I've got a to do list that is so long I dont know if I can actually do it all
  17. I have less physical and mental energy after work
  18. I also regularly go to the gym after work
  19. I'm still doing badminton regularly
  20. I have a big pile of books that I have swiped from work that I haven't read yet

I thought that would be hard to write. I was brimming with more things to write.

But maybe I should stick to the target of 20 and leave you guessing what I do with the rest of my life and energy.

TL;dr - I'm doing alright. I never thought I'd be in this kind of place in my life. But I still have my problems.

Thursday, March 3, 2016



I wish you well.

We aren't as good mates anymore. You are married now with a kid and that's fair enough. I wish your family the best.

I don't wish that we were friends like we were before. You have changed and I have changed. There's no regrets about this fact, just acceptance.

I do miss how we used to be close. I do regret that I upset your wife by mistake and she got pissed at me.

I do get that you have to take her side.

I won't forgive how shitty she was to me back at me. I'll take it out on you

How I will take it out is that I'll make our contact and our friendship minimal. I'll get you nice gifts for your birthday and for your kid's birthday and for christmas or whenever you invite me to things.

I'll be nice to you and ask how you are. I'll do one or two solids for you from time to time if you ever ask.

But you have changed into someone I wouldn't have been mates with, and you don't approve of who I am, nor do I care what you think about your petty judgmental nature.

We were good friends, the best of friends. For that fact we have an immortal bond that iwll tie us together.

But you've moved on and I think that's great. I've also moved on and I'm trying to work out if I'm in a good place.

I don't envy you, envy entails some modicum of jealousy. Pity, maybe, that you have such a cruel wife. Your brother tells me how cruel she has been to you and how she has been taking a lot of your money.

I wish you well, but not much more.

You have reminded me of an ugly side of myself. I have to face that ugly side of myself.  I'm staring at it and I'll need to stare at it to acknowledge its there.

I hope I can change that ugliness or make it go away. But its not your problem, its mine.

I guess I'm writing this post to face that ugliess, that thing I don't like about myself.



You were my mate at uni. We didn't have many friends. I figure it was our difference to everyone else that brought us together. Plus a love of the equalising nature of philosophy. We became flatmates at first, but we then became good friends.

From the beginning our relationship was defined by us being housemates and our MSN conversations which seemed endlessly long, going on to the early hours of the morning.

I remember you always began our chats with 'yo'.

Something happened.

We fell apart, we drew apart, I dont know the appropriate fucking words. I realised some problems in my life and I went through some changes. My depression got pretty bad in 2006-7 and I got in the hospital. I started to purge.

You never brought up my depression, but a friend told me that he talked to you about my behaviour becoming more and more erratic. It was the typical sign of dudes that we dont talk about feelings and vulnerable stuff. I had depression, I had anxiety. I had eating issues and it was fucking with my mind a lot.

I couldn't pretend, I didn't want to pretend. I didn't want to be a guy who talked about everything else but the thing in front of me (my depression). Our relationship had defined lines like how it was predominantly through MSN chats.

We drifted away. I started to know some women, and you were increasingly judgmental of other people and eventually, me. I didn't like it and I didn't like the underlying attitude.

For that reason I cut you out.

That's my reason, but I know it had consequences. I didn't explain, I didn't want to explain and I didn't want things to go back to how it was between us. I thought htat I didn't want an 'us'.

I think about you from time to time. When I cut you out like I did, I regret it. It reflects on something inside me that I don't like about myself.

You came to my flat in 2008 when we submitted our dissertations. You asked me point blank: why did you block me on MSN? To attempt the least painful way out I lied: I didn't block you. YOu walked away, you mumbled something as you walked off. We didn't say a goodbye, to some extent we didn't need to.

I'm sorry mate. It reflected a shitty part of me.

I had to change. At the time I felt that I had to cut you out.

I still think of you, and I miss the part of me that became 'us'. I miss 'us' to some extent.

You were one of my few bros.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

another update on my life:

My new years resolution was to observe a diet and fitness plan.

Guess what? I'm actually still observing it. I'm on month 3 of my 3 month plan. It doesn't involve determination and massive amounts of effort and willpower (well that's a lie, it does). The true key is consistency. The true key in the consistency of aiming for my better body isn't a bullshit prep talk or having some idea or platitude in your head that makes everything in your worldview seem rosy and inspirational in a way where you will go forth and change the world and yourself.

It's me, the key is me during any given time.

Its me during my 6pm break at work where I go to the canteen and I see food options: quinoa crisps or walkers? coke or coke zero? sushi or sandwich? Lasagne or salad?

It's when I'm at my desk and I think about getting a hot drink - hot chocolate or coffee? coffee or tea? milk or no milk?

It's when I finish the gym and I walk out: Fast food or not? Fried chicken or fish shop? Fish and chips or just squid rings? no chips or no can drink? walk home or bus home?

Lots and lots of little decisions.

Right now my deciusions are:

stay up and do desk stuff or go to bed and try to sleep?
tidy up your bed or pack your bag for tomorrow?
Pack bananas and protein flapjacks in your bag, or wank?
blog or not blog?
Leave clothes on the floor or hang them up?
Put dry clothes away or go to bed and do it later?
watch tv or work?
work or go to bed?

In fairness, my life system does mean that I've overcommitted to things I want to do and realisitically I must admit that I can't do it all.

I'm working on the system, It's not perfect.

I'm not perfect
I still feel my demons
I still have night terrors

an update on my life:

I'm working 3 jobs at the moment. One's a 2 day a week affair. One's a 3 day a week affair, and one's a 1-3 day week affair (and they overlap).

I have trouble organising my food intake but I find planning ahead (and protein flapjacks) have been helpful. I find having a bedtime is extremely useful.

This is almost the situation that I've dreamed of. Except no PhD. I do wonder, if I actually did get a PhD, my life wouldn't really be so different. If I had Marie as a lover all those years ago, we probably would have broken up again and my life would be just as it is now - more or less.

I feel like happily ever after forgets the mundane shit in life.

I work a pretty hectic and active job, I spend a lot of time in the gym. I find that my favourite time of the day (and this is kind of aspirational), is when I look outside the window on my 2nd floor desk and stare at the beautiful london skyline. I stare and see a brief reflection of myself and the bright office lights behind me. Then I see the darkness beyond and the street lights, the buses, the everpresent roadworks and building sites. In this fantasy I'm holding a cup of tea (no milk, milk upsets my tummy) and I just think aaaahhh.

That's usually the moment in which I realise I'm a grownup.That's the moment when I realise that I'm pretty boring, or rather, I aspire to be boring.

when my piano teacher died i was upset


I remembered him during the periods where he was at his best and when I saw myself at my best with him. I am thinking about this now. When he died I was upset and it took some months to realise how much he meant to me. I acknowledged that towards the end of my time with him we used to argue. I acknowledged that.

But there's one period of time I didn't think much about.

The period after. After I stopped being his pupil, after he stopped being my teacher. He was still in the family as he began to teach my mum. I would see him from time to time. He remembered me of course, and I remembered him. We still had memories together

But, something was different. The relationship we had was no more. We were almost like strangers. Sort of like how I imagine amicable exes are when they talk to each other, they talk, they might even relate, but it wasn't what it was.

I haven't thought much about those years, I knew him for about 4-5 years in this capacity, as someone who I vaguely saw from time to time, we talked. But I wasn't the student anymore, I wasn't as good at the piano due to practice.

I think about this because after he died I got back into the piano, I got sort of good again and I started to learn new skills.

I imagine what he would have thought if he knew the version of me that rediscovered the piano and started playing again. I think about that because I could have just have easily been that person while he was still alive-  I think.

I think that I am being overly nostalgic in the sense that if he was still alive, I would probably still be quite cool and distant with him as I was after I stopped being his pupil. I think to myself that I would have said to him all the things about what he meant to me, but I probably wouldn;t have if he were really here.

I think about that and I think about the people I know now who are alive, once they are gone, I'd probably feel that I have lots to tell them, about memories we had and what they meant to me.

They are alive now.

I probably won't say that to them now.

If they hypothetically died and then came back to life full time again, I'd probably still not say those things.

I think we thing about the dead in a rose tinted way, it may even be sincere, or we think it's sincere. but if we imagine the counterfactual of them coming back, would we really tell them the things that we felt after they died. Perhaps we would tell them, and then, it's how things were again. Back to normal again. Until they presumably die again.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Desk day

Today I woke up with radio 4 playing in the background. There was some kind of church of england thing going on. It mixed up with my semi-wake dream state and I ended up dreaming about choirs and sermons. Not necessarily a bad thing for me. I like the quaint englishness.

I woke up feeling very different to how I usually wake up.

I was tired, yes. I was feeling very sore, especially on my lower back, yes. One thing was different.

I wanted to get out of bed, on a sunday morning. I wanted to face the day and do stuff that I'm really behind on.

Something has gone into me that has become a motivator.

I could tell you the reasons, but the thing is. I am acting on reasons. I think the accidie has left most of my body. Mostly.

Until today I found that my desk has been tampered with and the ordering of my objects have been messed around. I got angry, then I have been trying to let it go.

Then this morning I heard a neighbour distantly complaining that another neighbour was making noise with power tools. There was a conflict of cultures, conflict of 'new' residents and the old...

Dear Diary,

Next month there's a family wedding. Everyone's excited about it.

On my mind, I'm thinking more about work and life.  In particular, life and death.

I believe (don't ask me how as it sound paranoid or supernatural), that I know certain details about my death. I know that I'll eventually be alone one christmas and I know that eventually I'll hear less and less from everyone around me. Eventually I'll be alone.

I had an episode today. Something shook me to the core of my being. DO you know those things whihc are so upsetting that you can't even acknowledge it and you just build it up as a thing in your head? Yeah its one of those.

I wish I could tell you all of the things that have been happening in my life lately. No, I haven't bought a house yet and no I haven't gotten engaged or married or had a kid.

I used to say that I worked part time, casual or 'full time ish'. Those things are still true, but I'm more on the full time -ish end of things. I'm also more on the 'could be a problem for the unions' side of things too. I'm possibly working too much.

I was emailed about march shifts for that sort-of subediting job that I do for 1-2 days a week. This month and last month I had a couple of 2-dayers. Over March I will have some 3-dayers, I might even have a 4-ey day. I'll be doing a sunday shift, which means - higher rate!

I've also been slightly more lucky with betting lately. But as it goes - you are only as good as your last bet.

This week was a '10 years on' thing about that Stephen Fry documentary on depression.

That documentary had a big impact on my life. It helped me come to terms with my demons. One of the insights from that documentary was that people don't get better by magic or drugs. The drugs help, and people live with the condition. I guess its comparable with cancer. People live with cancer, people manage it and people deal with life while having cancer. Of course I'm not saying its comparable in some moral or value judgement way. I just mean, when people are ill or unwell or distressed. They also have to live. Life happens before death.

Monday, February 15, 2016

dear diary,

I'm going through a panic episode at work.

I've got to deal with some extra shifts I've been offered (which is good). But I also have some problems in my real life that I have to deal with.

Next month I have to go to a stag do and a family wedding, and to be honest it's not really weighing particularly high on my mind.

I'm worried about lots of other things. Things of my own creation. Demons of my own creation. The worst thing about me is me. Despite all the things I do that are good, it only takes one stain to blot it away and that's all it takes. For that reason I am heavily attracted to the Christian (particularly Catholic) notion of mortal sin and the hope of salvation. I'm deeply concerned about salvation lately.

It's no coincidence that I've been reading a lot about Catholicism and watching lots of videos which are generally religious but many of them about catholic theology.

My heart is hurting in more than just the figurative way.

Also, it's lunch time and I need to eat.

Eating has become a chore to me lately. It's also become a demon. Food is a demon lately. I dont know who I am lately. I've not taken the time to stop and notice, or care about things like that. I'm too busy living. I guess that's a good thing. Not something to complain about. I'm constantly worried about unemployment or losing my life. It's causing my panic.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I had a dream last night/this morning.

It was more like two.

One was about when I was back at university. I never forgave myself for not going to the union bar on the first day of fresher's, the Sunday before the proper first week.

I felt tired, low, overwhelmed... I don't know. It just didn't feel right. I felt that I never got over or never experienced whatever it was that everyone else did.

I can rationalise now that it's a stupid conclusion and all the years have passed and they were all mostly vapid 18 year olds trying to find their clique. But deep down in my dream thoughts, I keep revisiting it and it feels like a sore muscle or a chest pain. That same chest pain that remerges in later parts of my life. My dream mixed elements of memories from later years. The impersonal nature of grad school. My parents driving over from home to visit or pick up my shit.

Another dream presence emerged.

Her. Again.

I'm embarrassed. A girl. I'm now the age where its patronising to call anyone female and of similar age 'a girl' ( they are either a woman or simply 'they'). Marie still haunts my mind.

I don't know why. She seems more an idea than a real person. Marie is like the fundamental unravelling of me and what I am. I sometimes imagine her talking to me, like mia did.

The dreams of this weekend have unsettled me and made me feel very vulnerable. I've been trying really hard lately to keep my shit together and I've been doing alright for the past 6-7 weeks.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

dear diary,

I feel like sometimes I have gotten so native into a situation that I forget where i've come from and I forget the flow of time.

The past 9 days have felt like a lifetime.

I have been doing a fair amount recently. I've been working and gyming most of the time. If I'm not working I'm sleeping, if I'm not gyming, I'm recovering.

I have had some time to read, I've mostly been reading newspapers and magazines.

I've been thinking about not much lately.I've been more 'doing' than anything else.

I've not had much quality sleep. I need to drink more water.

I need to stop writing this post right now, and tidy up my room.

Have a good one, readers.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

dear diary,

perhaps its a rare occaision in which I'm writing a blog at work.

I'm never posting on here. I keep fucking saying that it is annoying. I do think about this blog. I think about how many memories I've had talked about, how many things I've lived through.

I'm doing 3 jobs at the moment. I'm looking after a tv guide, I'm looking after a team of designers, plus i'm working in an odd thing called content syndication.

It's odd how i've ended up here.

Lately I have desired for simple things. A life of peace, inner and outer. A life of less worries. A life of better health. A life of self-improvement.

I should try to live by ideals, by espousing those values, speaking about those values more, and importantly, living them.

I have difficulties in my life. I think porn is possibly addictive; I am very much drawn to soft drinks, particulalry fanta, which is not good for my fitness. I also have difficulty sleeping and getting up. Those are the most important times for me. I have difficulty with facing my problems.

I worry that I'll become like dad. Dad always talks about the route of action with least effort, and he talks more than he does. Dad coughs so much and through the night. It upsets me. It upsets me when mum is constantly nagging, complaining about something. I should do more in the house. I do a bit, and I've done more than I have in previous years. I need to be better at home and better at domestics.

I've been really tired lately. I'm doing a 12 hour at work today. I feel that the new gym routine that I'm doing has given me more energy. It also helps to keep the sugars down on my food intake.
Well, I thought I'd try posting about my life. So I did.


Friday, January 1, 2016

I'm reminded of how Doctor Who has said in at least two of the past tv specials over christmas that 'every christmas is the last christmas'.

My brother in law's father died over the night.

I'm quite moved.

I also feel like life must go on. Everyone's life.