Saturday, May 28, 2016

Things on my mind


I came home late one day this week from work. I went to the gym and did a long session and it was already dark as I came in. I saw two 'to let' signs on my neighbour's house. I felt a bit of a gut wrench - I'm not sure why. Something about my neighbous moving out upset me. A lot more of the houses here are lettings. I feel like the housing crisis of London is really weighing heavily on me, it's something that shits on me and I pretend it doesn't stain me.

The neighbours on this road have changed over the years. I'm not even that old, but I feel like so much changes that I dont recognise the world around me that's changed, and I don't recognise myself in the world that has changed.

I'm a bit slow today

Today I changed my routine. I normally spend saturdays getting up really early, going to the gym. After gym I have a long lunch and then hulk in bed and sleep until about 4-5pm as my brain and body feel completely fried.

I did something different. I decided to stay in. I have done a bit of house work today. I've felt a bit low and my back is in a lot of pain. I had a realisation just earlier. The realisation is: I've learned to try and accept things as they are and get on. It means giving up on my expectation of the perfect outcome.

I met an old uni friend this week, we were talking about another mutual friend who had some troubles in love.A girl was really into him but he didn't make a move even though he knew a relationship could have happened and she liked him back. Our friend didn't do anything because he was afraid of failure. I said during this discussion that he was afraid of succeeding too. Because it was so unfamiliar to him to be close to someone and to be in a relationship and to actually 'win' for once, he became inert to making a move. My friend then replied: that also counts as fear of failure, to not take part because of the fear of succeeding.

I was thrown by that comment and it's one of those things that I have been sitting on for a while.

I can relate a lot to the sense of inertness. I feel like things need to be a certain way for me to get things done. My desk is organised in a very specific manner and almost every item on my desk performs a function, if one of them were missing or moved, I'd feel very frustrated and I'd feel that I couldn't function.

My body feels very tired and my mind feels very slow. But I realise that some things that I've set myself to do are important that I need to get over myself and get over my body woes to get things done.

My old gym instructor (she's away on surgery) used to often say: we are always tired, it's called life.


Memories always have a place in my mind and way of thinking. Memories form such a big part of how I view the world - as I hve a very efficient memory and recall. I've been recoding some aspects of the past. I used to do Aikido. Back when I started this blog I was regularly doing Aikido, and then I did it less regularly, and then stopped.

I have lots of memories of going to aikido class on fridays, being in excruciating pain and getting fish and chips after class and feeling sweaty. I had a lot of trouble doing very ordinary house tasks like cleaning my clothes properly and cleaning the house.

I find keeping the house tidy a form of emotional labour. I can sort out subediting shifts and keep several departments at work in order in my professional life, yet the thought of vacuuming or tidying up the dust behind my desk fills me with a unique kind of fear. I dont know why that is.

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