Monday, March 31, 2014

Dear Diary,

I woke up, first time that I could wake up close to 11am in a few weeks I think. It's a beautiful feeling but laziness begets laziness. I didn't log 'stupour' or 'fatigue' on my calendar last week (which I monitor for record-keeping purposes).

I got a lot to do today. I need to swallow a few eggs and I need to keep up the pace that I did when I was at work all of last week...this is work to me now. All this stuff that I need to do to improve my life. It's a job, its a mission, it's my test of motivation. I either win or I die.


Feeling quite tired tdoay...ust push through

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dear Diary,

Anxiety is picking up on me now.

Went to mothers day thing. went to cinema after. Just tired now. A reasonable man would go to bed now.
dear diary,

i realise that when i think through all my years i have been different people. the challenge of looking at myself in the mirror is trying to reconcile all the people i've been.

at work I got some letters. I work in admin at the sentinel, a major international newspaper which has corporate ties and businesses under its trading name in various parts of the world and in industries outside of media (SEO for example) .

I would get these heartfelt messages and phone calls. About teh conservative cuts or some tragedy story...I'd be compassionate and listen to them, but there's nothing I can do in my job to help them. Things like that...due to the confidentiality clause of my job, means I can't say any more than what I've said or any specifics...and some of this stuff morally eats at me. I do believe that what happens at the sentinel is a very special thing and the work is special.

But it drains me...i guess it could be worse for an 8 hour day of work.
Dear Diary,

I helped some friends (that I know from fetlife) move house today. It was awesome. I feel all tired out. I spent more money than I'd like today but I am satisfied physically from all that weight lifting from moving boxes. I love a good pump.

This week has been a way it kind of represents the ideal of what I want as full time work. Working in a nice organisation, having a busy life, being time poor and doing something of significance in my work and life.

I haven't been able to get to sleep just yet. After work on friday I crashed to bed. I slept between 10-12 hours. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get up with more stuff to do. Come monday, I have my 'desk day' and I will be back to the being at home and applying to jobs having no work for a week - norm of what my life has been. But these past two weeks I feel/I realise that this doesn't have to be the norm. The norm could be that I get up and work until 6pm, go home, or go to the gym, and feel good about myself, and exhausted.

I've put down for 3 days this week an 'on this day' notificiation that goes on google calendar and appears on the day of the calendar every year. I often see ones from 2010, 2013 and some from 2012 and it makes me think, gosh that happened a year ago? Many of the things on the 'on this day' list are quite life affirming and positive. I look forward tos eeing 'on this day 2014' and having fond feelings of who I am now.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

between friday and thursday ...i merited 17 coffee stirrers.

I'm going to run out soon at this rate.

Now I have lots to get on with.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dear Diary,

I have a bit of time as I am waiting for my phone and tablet and computer to finish a compiling task. I wonder what I could do with this time - it's like 2 mins or so.

I've scheduled my next few days

Dear Diary,

Busy at work.

I work at a really interesting place but...despite how corrupt I am, I  will be professional and just not talk about it right now. It helps just to see it as work.

Yesterday was the 'last day' of a 4 day placement, later today (wednesday) is the first day of a 3 day placement.

I am quite pleased that I have work. I'm working into a bit of debt right now...on another front. Mum and dad are coming home to the UK. Which will be nice.

I need to do some tasks before I sleep: dropbox uploading, and then...clearing memory from phone. I could vent aobut what I need to do, talk about the stresses of my day and how much I've been learning and managing my anxieties...

or I could just quietly get on with it.

When I get home on friday, after the last day of the placement, I'll have lots of time to talk about my feelings and what I need to do, or time to be lazy.

I don't have the luxury of being lazy. I'm eating into my sleep time to do some of my work right now.

Good night.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today was supposed to be my penultimate day on the placement, with possibility of an extension. Then...I got another 3 day assignment running on after tuesday. So I have a full 5 day week of work :D

Not too bad...I feel pretty good about that. However I'm going to have to endure and keep my diet and other thigns in check.

I've got to get to bed now. But first, a bit mroe food.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Weekly review

Week 12 of the year

Priority targets to achieve

  1. 5 fitness sessions
  2. 0 jobs applied
  3. No interviews this week

Non-Priority targets

  1. Read a lot of comics (no audiobooks)
  2. 3 music sessions
  3. New and unfamiliar sessions:
    1. Cooking for Badminton with limited time
    2. Received sentinel placement (multimedia)
    3. Started sentinel placement (multimedia)
    4. Saw guy from my school
    5. Clarinet and jam session in a day
    6. Party at friend's tonight
    7. Post-party at mine


  1. 2 Anxiety Days
  2. 2 Fatigue days
  3. 2 Stupour Days
  4. 1 Low Days
  5. 4 paid work days

4 paid work days...I don't get that in a month sometimes. What's that old saying? Count your blessings. I've not had the best luck. But I have also not had the worst. I'm thankful for the good stuff...hopeful for better stuff to come.

I have done lots of socialising this week. I've done lots of interactions with new people this week (esp. at work) and I feel like I have endured a few emotional challenges. I've faced the disappointment of the job rejections.

This week has been about me managing my limits. I couldn't do as much gym as I'd like. I couldn't catch up with job searching and leisurely things without compromising on my housework duties. I thought that if I kept up on my housework duties foremost then I could feel a sense of satisfaction.

Looking ahead

Looking ahead, I see that there's a whole lot of activity going on this week, and last week, and to some extent, the week before. However come wednesday, I'll have 3 straight weeks of no work. Then one day. Then another straight week of no work. I could have time for interviews, I could have time for job hunting and all the other stuff. I could have time for the gym.

To be honest, the distant future after Wednesday is a big empty time hole with not much whatever I will to fill into it.

Tomorrow is going to be hectic as shit at work. I'll find out if I am working on Wednesday.

I'm not saying that I dislike the quiet. I am also not saying that I dislike when it's extremely busy. I think I'll look forward to it being quiet again. I will also really miss not earning that amount of money that I have in the previous few weeks.

I've not felt like myself lately. I have been soul searching recently and I've not come to any definite or strong conclusions about what's going on inside me.

I feel like I am fighting new demons alongside the old ones. l also feel like I don't know how to commensurate the person I am today with the person that I was. Perhaps I am willing to put to the past who I was. I need to focus on the now, despite how shit it is and despite how ...the past me would have hated the person I am now.

I probably should focus on going to bed right now and sleeping. I feel like I need some kind of resolution or emotional-psychic epiphany to clear my foresight of the future. But such a thing doesn't exist and all I have is a headache and the ambient fan of my computer in the background.

Off to bed.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dear Diary,

I seem to have less and less to report on this blog.

My life hasn't changed significantly in my opinion. However I should probably say that my workload (as in paid work) has recently increased. I haven't sent many job applications - because I've had no time.

I'm also sort of seeing a girl. I know that I've said this already but...I kinda feel the need to say it more. I've told a few friends. I am not sure hwo to tell my parents how she's polyamorous. I kind of feel like I need to ask Dan Savage how to deal with my life.

I'm trying to keep afloat.

In other news, I was hanging out with my mate tonight. We also had a good laugh. I am seeing a few of the boys later on today (as today is sunday).

I have money issues at the moment - I'm going to be in the red on my second bank account...hoping that when I get paid I'll pay it off.

Before I head to bed I want to say: the album 'Come Away with Me' by Norah Jones makes me cry ...reminds me of deep pain and sadness in my being that I am unable to shake makes me feel vulnerable. I wish I could shake it off.

Friday, March 21, 2014

I was thinking about all the things I did in the past 7 days that make me a better person. A couple of years ago a colleague of mine was let go from her other job and for some unknown reason she had a box of coffee stirrers and she left it at the event's rec room. I took a few handfuls of the coffee stirrers because I had an idea for it.

I had about 117 (and later increased to 147) coffee stirrers. I keep it in a big stack in my drawer in my desk. If I make some achievement in the day, such as apply to a job, go to the gym or have a day at work, I will take one of the stirrers out as it marks one such achievement. The idea that I had was that there will hopefully come a time when that pile of coffee stirrers are all gone and when that happens I expect to be a much different person from the time I got them all together.

Often I forget that I have those coffee stirrers, and then I think about the last time that I looked at the stack (maybe it's 2 weeks or a month) and I start counting (using my calendar) how many big achievements or challenging situations I've been through over those days. Over the past 7 days I did 17 challenging things. 17 is a pretty big number. I've had a pretty long week and even though it was very 'ordinary' it was the hardest thing in the world just to keep going and get on with things. The easy thing to do would be escape or mess it up in some way.

I put together that pile maybe 2-and-a-half years ago.

I also have another thing lately (I have a thing about collecting odd items). At work they usually have lots of postcard sized adverts for art galleries or exhibits or DVDs and I am having an unsightly stack growing of them. I sometimes use them as bookmarks. I have a very cute bookmark that is a postcard of a Deer for example. I might start keeping a pile of these postcards and get rid of them each time I make some achievement. I like having these kinds of markers of achievement. I hear that sometimes people keep tattoos as markers of things, such as memories or special people. Badges are a very conventional way of marking achievments as well.

17 achievements since friday. I didn't get those two jobs. I'm disappointed more than I ever have been with myself. I just have to get on and keep doing things to the plan I've set. That's challenging.
quick post to say

first day at placement at sentinel multimedia - it was pretty busy. After work I did some weights and a gym class. Got home, ate a bit of takeaway, tidied up. Felt tired, not had much time. It's past midnight and I should be winding down for bed now. I'm behind on sleep and worse still behind on my errands.

It's hard trying to keep a house tidy and live this life. It's only for 4 days. I need to focus on what is at stake - and estimated extra £266. I am going to have 4 work days by the end of this week and even though I didn't get the jobs. I feel some kind of hope...hope is the hardest thing to have sometimes.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am starting a 4 day placement today. I tried to sleep 'early' to prepare for it. When I got up today I went to the bathroom and found that there were shards of glass on the floor. It is apparently from the lightbulb? I don't know how that happened.

Anyway, I need to sweep that up and I realised that I have a lot of work to do before I go off to work.

I've been trying to keep on top of everything lately.

And now I have no tiem to talk.


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Dear Diary,

I didn't get the job at shambly. I felt really depressed about that.

I was in bed all day and afternoon until 3pm today.

Then I made a mad rush to tidy up and clean out the house, I did a bit of cooking too. While I was doing that I got an email from Sentinel HR assistant with bad spelling and she asked if I was available for 3 days this week. I said 'no if it starts on wednesday' as I am working tomorrow and it passed the 24 hour mark in which I could appropriately cancel the shift. I felt bad but I also felt it was my duty to stay at the job and not cancel too early. I know its' a massive inconvenience if there's one less event staff there and from the perspective of my boss I know its an annoyance. Don't want to burn a bridge.

So HR lady emails back and says - I've renegotiated and I'll offer you four days starting thursday instead of 3 days starting Wednesday.

4 days of work - I calculate that is the price of 1/4 of the laptop that I want to buy. It's a nice bit of earner to put me off my sense of disappointment about my life, and my nonexistent career.

I'm feeling pretty down about the interviews. But I am up about getting money. an extra £266

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Dear Diary,

I was going through my admin folder and I saw my old 'intention envelopes' and inside them were corporate post-it notes (the company that they are from tells me when I wrote it, as I got them from a promotional day or some other thing)

These envelopes are kind of like a signal of my aspiration. Things I aspire for and want with a price tag on it.

Some of the items in the envelope I have obtained in the past few months (after working at sentinel sport). As such I kind of feel positive about my overall situation that I have a bit more money to spend on things to improve my situation and make me feel more like me.

Still more things to go...more things to buy. More things to aspire.

Speaking of aspiration. I have to clean some floors and table surfaces now!
In other news - I'm worried quite significantly about money.
Dear Diary,

I've had a bit of trouble keeping up with housework--- this makes anything problematic outside of housework. I find it hard to get up with my job searching in particular.

I managed to meet up with the boys this afternoon. Went to the cinema.

I've been listening to this piano piece on repeat today - 'le onde' (the waves) by Ludovici Eunardi. It feels like...a positive piece of music.

I sometimes bond with a piece of music because its sad or aggressive or dark...but I feel like right now I really want to have a piece of music that I want to bond to that is just...none of those things.

I've had 'mia' issues this week (haven't purged) Mia is a personificiation of all the bad stuff in my head.

I'm starting to work in a new personification. A personification of good stuff.  I have a name for him...let's call him Martin for the purposes of this blog. Martin is a man, contrasting to Mia. Martin represents lots of male role models and all the male supportive allies I've had in the, bro, teachers, my piano teacher, who have shown sensitivity and caring and supportive attitudes to me.

In other news. I have been drinking a lot more than I usually do. 2 pints a night.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

dear diary,

i'm having mia problems again lately.

I wish I had some help with this.

Things I did yesterday:

  • Interview prep for the...
  • Interview
  • Interview prep for interview today
  • Went to opening iceland for a butchers (a look)
  • Archiving
  • Sent april shifts to The Boss
  • (cancelled) shift at work
  • (cancelled) interview at cyberdyne
  • Badminton
  • Post-badminton dinner with the guys

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


I am reminded of Adorno’s essay ‘resignation’ where he poses a question of his critics and response to it, not by answering it, but by taking a sidestep discussion of an issue related to it. Were I a politician I would consider this a rhetorician’s distraction or avoidance.

As you may know I am involved with a local community garden and part of this involves keeping connections with local community networks and having an eye on what goes on. One particular online forum that I use, Streetlife, is a particular bane of my existence. I love the ways in which it gets local people together and it has been a great way to engage with a certain local MP who does genuinely seem sensitive to his constituent’s interests (on top of *ahem* being a junior cabinet minister).

I consider Streetlife the bane of my existence because it reflects on the change that has happened in the past 15 or so years in the area that I grew up in. One ongoing discussion in among the ‘lifers is the legitimate concern of local businesses closing down and leaving empty shops around. A indistinguishable concern is also the way that new businesses haven’t seemed to have much longevity once they have a presence in the local area.

Perhaps in the past year, certain successful business ventures have made a presence. The problem is that these businesses are considered undesirable for a variety of reasons. Large chain stores are prima facie disliked for the sake of being large chain stores. Betting and gambling related businesses with fixed odd betting terminals. The other bane of the ‘lifers are ‘chicken shops’ which is a short hand for takeaway shops seemingly frequented by ethnic minorities and the working class.

Today, the old ‘co-op’ which closed down nearly a year ago re-opened into an Iceland. Iceland is a store considered due to the combination of having lots of frozen food and low supermarket prices as attracting a certain demographic of a certain income bracket. There’s that old internet law that when a thread gets increasingly longer, the probability of an Hitler analogy gets closer to P=1. It seems that the longer these threads go along there is more likelihood that many residents show their stripes and their thinly veiled contempt of the working class.

The snobbiness of the middle class is a deep hypocrisy. Radio 4 listeners who aim to be as worldly and aware and diverse as possible yet are owned by a majority white and university educated board. Where comedy panel shows are patronising to and hopelessly orientalist - the friday comedy musical skits use of pentatonic scale as a short hand for ‘oriental’ is as simplistic and offensive as the use of phrygian mode in Wagner to allude to Judaism and Jewish peoples. There is an hypocrisy of the middle class valuing intelligence and intellectuals, but not if they are ‘too intelligent’ to be challenging to them. The irony of Wagner’s anti-bourgeois sentiment was that his patronage redefined the bourgeoisie sentiment rather than challenging it. The same coudl be said for the quasi-revolutionary sentiment of the middle class. For the rhetorical question is asked but not answered rather, it is sidestepped: What use is there to radically re-forming the world making it a better place, when it changes our status quo?

Snobbiness is about conformity to one’s tribe. To other those not in our tribe and approving of those who are. Having an idea of what constitutes as good character and adequate cultural sensibility. The ideal artistic mindset is to ridicule this conservatism and challenge it. Subvert it by speaking in your own accent and lexicon in a lecture theatre or wearing a metallica t-shirt to a performance of Fidelio.  

In writing this I am trying to address the charge of Adorno being called an elitist. What does it really mean to be elitist? If you are excluded because you do not understand Bach, that is not anything to do with Bach, but that is all to do with you.

the day priceland opened

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was the garden meeting. Couple of new people. A really nice lady came along with a project local to us that she was trying to improve outreach for. It was a very noble project and had everything going for it - except the audience and outreach.

Afterwards, I forgot/lost my shorts so couldn't go to the gym.

Today: I'm doing job interview prep. I don't feel fully ready. I am scared to death right now.

I have to go to a nearby supermarket which has opened today to get some mince - also as it has opened just today I get a free cheesecake.

I am feeling really vulnerable right now...this job interview I have today is with Central Government - I gave up an interview with a blue chip company today for this - I had to sacrifice one for the other...I hope I made the right choice. Tomorrow is another interview, not my ideal dream job but it is one that I actually have some innings in - it is for one of the offices of the executive of Shambly Arena (let's call them - Shambly Council).

In other news - things feel a bit cold with Hannah right now. I can't let that bring me down. I've got so much at stake today.

I am off to-somewhere now

Oh yeah, new supermarket - priceland

Monday, March 10, 2014

Dear Diary,

I got up late today. It's the first day I got up late in probably 10 days...god it's a horrible and good feeling at the same time.

I quite like getting up early. I kind of have a bit more sympathy with my dad after he retired.

Anyway, I got up today, had a long wank, and now I am catching up on job boards. After that I will be ...actually I've not planned that far ahead. I suppose I need to do the following (I'm thinking aloud):

  • Prep for interview
  • prepare interview responses
  • plan route to interview
  • plan clothes
  • clan what I will pack with me
  • Plan inmterview on wednesday
  • review both application forms
  • review both job descriptions
  • have an understanding of the organisations
  • Have an understanding of the job role

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Dear Diary,

I got up 'late' this sunday morning. I chatted to a nice girl on okcupid last night. She identifies as a 'Catholic' on her profile...but oddly enough that kind of feels assuring to me. Someone from my cultural background is kind of nice.

I saw this really nice girl at the garden today, she's an environmental project manager or some such. She has lovely red hair and she is quietly chatty (juxtaposition I know). She said she will come to the meeting tomorrow as she is 'off season' from playing hockey (she does sports and loves the environment? she's the one! - my mark corrigan thoughts tell me). I sometimes wonder how I appear to other people.

I was playing on my ocarina at the garden today and a woman came along and took pictures of me. Not in a pervy way, she's a journalist and wants to write a story about us. I told her about my experiences and she took some snaps of me. I hope it will be charitable. So I might appear on a magazine and or newspaper looking all sexy. Today I wore my 'dwayne johnson from fast and the furious 5' khaki shorts. I also wore my tactical boots. I felt so sexy in them. I made a slow and long breakfast-lunch thing just earlier. Pancakes with bacon and fried egg - there's still a bit of it left in the oven. I need to do some housework and cleaning and shit today. I made a start earlier but it must continue.

p.s. i seem to be swearing a lot more lately. feels really good to swear
Dear Diary,

What have I done today, in my first desk day in days?

  • Step class - the instructor commended me for coming a second time - especially when its not easy for me
  • Body Pump
  • Fatigue -went to bed in the afternoon
  • Housework
  • Reading newspapers
  • Watching some tivo

got more to do tomorrow. i might try to wake up early. I really do have a ton of shit

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Dear Diary,

I feel like I should apologise for not posting. I've done a significant amount in the past at work. I have been in situations wehre I've ended up going somewhere after work (both gym and socially) which put me in a situation of being absolutely shattered as soon as I got home from wherever it was.

I did 2 classes this morning. I tried to do a bit of cleaning this afternoon but then I had a big crash in bed around 2-3pm. Having a few wanks today helped. Got all that spunk out of me. I've been feeling a bit angry lately (possibly related?) and now I am thinking to myself: I've got so much work to do at the house.

Nothing to it but to do it. I'm going to put the oven on and fire up some housework. Just had my bath which helped refresh me.

I'm feeling a bit lonely and sad right now. My parents are away. My good friend/neighbour down the road has gone on hols for about 2 weeks and Hannah is with her other boyfriend. There is something that is fucking irrationally with my head: after work on thursday, a former colleague at sentinel sport was on my train and I was agonising about thoughts about her - will she see me, will we lock eyes? do I want to lock eyes? where is she going? Does she live near me? is she single? - you know, the usual when it comes to an attractive girl who shows interest in me as a person.

Don't mistake these things for anything more than a colleague being nice. lots to do. I have to build Rome in a day.

Monday, March 3, 2014

First day working at a new department at the Sentinel. When I got to the desk nobody was there. Then a posh man named general reginald forskett-rotherhythe (made up but appeared very posh) greeted me. I then saw a couple of other people. They all had names of months, there was february, janjulie, april, mark, and octavia.

The day was 'fairly quiet' but apparently the woman who was there wanted to slowly get me started before i started to send out these high level emails.

Anyway, while I was working at the sentinel, I was thinking about that interview tomorrow - the all day graduate assessment day at the foremost liberal paper in the world. However I decided against it as it would be mutiny to abandon this ship while I'm on it.

Something did cheer me up today. I actually got an interview invitation next week! It's for a CENTRAL government department doing something very similar to what I do at the Sentinel. I also got an interview invitation for...lets call them the Russell Brand corporation. A friend of mine works there and he says it would be my dream job...if he worked with me.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

I did my weekly analysis and the evidence shows that I had a very testing time this week in terms of anxiety, fatigue and low days.

On Saturday, Hannah came over. We had sex. It was awkward sex. I could sexually satisfy her, but the main issue was my nervousness and underlying anxiety during which we had sex, which made my orgasms difficult. I had a massive orgasm after the second time we had sex the night after.

I have these moments when I might think to myself: I will never find another girl who will like me, and then things like that happened. Hannah called me beautiful. I said in reply: I don't feel beautiful.

I am kinda sleepy. I start a 5 day placement tomorrow. Wish me luck. I'm off to bed now