Saturday, January 25, 2020


I'm not well at the moment. I'm concerned in fact that I might have agoraphobia.

I'm writing a list of things that are essential right now:

  • How I wake up determines the rest of my day
  • Keeping to a routine
  • Find time to go outside
  • Remember your responsibilities: my work, my family,
  • Look after yourself: eating, sleeping, showering, try not to exceed the eating or staying in bed too long; sleep at normal people times
Once I can deal with those bases, I think I can move forward

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Dear Diary,

I've had an awful, awful week. I'm struggling mentally right now.

Instead of talking about that I want to mention the things I appreciate in life:

3 things I am positive about today:

  • I have supportive colleagues, friends and family
  • I live in relative comfort. A roof over my head despite all the bad things.
  • Lucozade is my ambrosia

Monday, January 6, 2020

Dear Diary,

I don't think that I've been in a good way lately.

I think I actually was depressed for a lot of this weekend.

I've been overeating and my way of coping with that has been...more overeating. Semi-related to this, I originally had a big gym workout day planned but unfortunately it seems that I was too sick to go to the gym this sunday.

Sunday is sacred to me and having to cancel that day was hard to do.

I've been thinking about some reminders that I set myself on google keep. One reminder is: commit to fewer good decisions and actions instead of a lot of mediocre ones.  I decided to focus on healing my body and my mind instead of gassing out by trying to be everything at the gym and do everything on my to do list. I ran a projection in my mind of two outcomes: one is me going to the gym unwell and coming home not doing any work. The other is resting and managing to get some work done.

I decided that the latter was the better outcome. However I thought I'd be done by 10pm. It's 2pm and I've wrapped up.

Someone on twitter who is about my age (35 actually) posted something which upset me a bit. She said that given the liklihoods, this decade is going to bring personal tragedies which are unbearable for her. I took that in and I was deeply upset by this as it means similar for me.

I need to realise that I'm getting older, all my friends are getting married and many are having babies. What is my legacy and what am I going to show for my life?

I had this vague idea that I'd be some kind of writer or cultural commentator as well as an academic philosopher. I have done some amazing things that I'm proud of but being a philosopher and a writer haven't been two of them.

I've been avoiding my family, particularly my brother and my sister. They have been reaching out to me (bless them) but I do feel they are doing it more out of some kind of obligation than them wanting to. I feel like I'm a downer for people and I don't want to be around them. I'm also feeling that my life is going in a direction which is not the same path that many others will take.

Similarly I'm beginning to fear that my work colleagues, with whom I've become close, are not people I'm feeling comfortable with anymore. I'm not feeling comfortable with a lot of people and I am quite partial to avoiding.

There's something that's bothering me. When I was in fact in a couple of family gatherings, I noticed that a lot of my family (it's a cultural thing) are very loud. It is also the case that young children by their nature are very loud. Some have a propensity for unexpected high pitched screaming. A lot of this is very draining to me and it has a cost. I wonder if I have a limited capacity to cope with such circumstances.

Gosh that sounds really negative. Lets do some positives.

I met some wonderful friends during new years day. I'm up to date on my work. Despite this weekend and recent over eating I have been quite good with gym over the Christmas weeks. I've kept up with my routine and I'm really on top of my routine. As soon as I finish my computer scanning something I can go to bed. I've managed to catch up on TV and I'm even beginning to book some time off work.

Another thing I did last night (during insomnia) I bought some clothes. I bought some more underwear and socks. My ankle socks have gotten missing   I even bought an overpriced t shirt made of wool and silk (i know silk is evil and I hate that waistcoats have to have a silk back.

When I got back to work on Friday or Thursday, the picture editor at the magazine came up to me and shook my hand, he said something to the effect of: he was really touched that I got him the flowers.  Old J had a bereavement last month and I told him that there's a lot of love for him at the sentinel.

So, december was that month which defined a new beginning for me in 2015. 2016 began the difficult year at work, it began with all the talk of budget cuts and killing contracts and culling staffers. 2016 was also the year of Brexit and Trump. I want to say that seems a distant memory but it god damned wasn't. I have a feeling that this decade didn't go as slowly as the previous one.

As much as there are reasons for reflection and drawing strength from the past decade. My full focus is upon the future. Climate disaster, populism, and so many other things threaten the world. I am proud to be working and at a place which has the audacity to think it can make a difference.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Yesterday was New Years Eve/Day night and I began writing in my new 2020 diary.

I felt sad about finishing with my 2019 diary, I found a page in the diary which was a list of "My extraordinary moments this year". I thought that as the year had just ended I could do a complete list as it is most fresh in my memory. I knew that the first 5 and even 10 were obvious, but then some became repetitious or variations on a theme. I really thought hard about making the following list:

[full list redacted]

A full page. It was difficult while writing on physical paper but it felt worthwhile