Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I guess he was just here to make the alternate universes look good

This comic frames my thinking at the moment.

COuld I be more? That's a question pervading my mind.

Counselling today was uncomfortable. The counsellor raised some issue about the 'relationship' between her as the professional and I as the client. Could I ask something of her in a relationship of trust? She asked me this as a question. I said I didn't understand. She said it in another way and I still didn't understand. It made me uncomfortable. Another thing was that even though Icancelled all the appointments of this coming month of december, I'll still have to pay for it. So, in short. FUCK!

I can't get a fucking break. I will have to pay for sessions I dont want to do, and I won't save any money. This irks me, but I guess she has to make a living, to fuel her fucking mercedes. I hope something comes up in the mean time. I think its possible I should not be able to get off the JSA, in addition, I think it will be difficult to pay for xmas pressies, going out, and all the other luxuries of xmas, despite having a paid job I am in an economically tight position. This is perhaps the suckiest christmas ever. I'm going to check my bank balance to measure how depressed I should be. Call it damage control.

Sur la neige

I woke up and found a beautiful white sheet covering the scape of surburbia outside my window. Beauty finds itself in many ways. There is such bleakness and pureity to the white snow. For me, right now, snow represents a lot of happy memories. I remember when I was in the sixth form and I had a snow day. That day in 2003 (or was it 2002?) was spectacular. Perhaps this lift in my mood is welcome. Yesterday I went to a pub quiz with some guys I knew from school. They are all successful types now, one is a store manager who is dealing with real responsibilities, has underlings and bonuses. Another friend is an epidemiological researcher, ironically for someone not as interested in academia as I was, he’s doing very well in the journals. All I can say is good on them.

I feel shit with how my life has ended up, and I’m glad that they are where they are. They’ve worked hard and got to where they wanted to be. Their success says more of me than them. I need to fight on harder and keep going, and hopefulyl I’ll survive and get somewhere with my stupid life. For now, I am slowly doing things today. I ate a bit too much these past few days, I blame the weather for being cold and me wanting more energy. I need to burn these calories in some way, however. Perhaps I’ll log my walking data from today to console myself (and perhaps in some heisenberg way observation will record progress).

I’m really behind at the moment. It’s terrible. I don’t like being behind, but on the other hand, I am quite busy these days. Interviews, and work are notable distractions, but unless I keep applying to jobs consistently and constantly, I won’t have interviews to go to this side of 2010.

Claudio Arrau plays Debussy PréludeⅠ,no.6, "Des pas sur la neige"

Monday, November 29, 2010

Morning jitters

Good Morning,

I thought out of curiousity I'd listen to Evanescence on spotify. I know, cheesy, facile expressions of wannorexic teenaged girls everywhere. I'm embarrassed to admit I found it a little emotionally relevant when I first discovered heavy metal and was chatting to this other girl online with depression way back when. Needless to say, I am not that way inclined, I think the immediate appeal of the harmonies are quite obvious but effective (and affective one might say) in appealing to a feeling of accessible dread. Perhaps accessibility is the way to express this disdain.

Anyway, let's talk about the morning. I woke up listening to my dad's coughing. I should be more concerned for his health, but really he brought it on himself. As I woke up, I thought various things, but the one thing I didn't think was that I had an interview today! I then suddenly realised, and I felt that since my dad is coughing, it must be 8am because he normally empties his throat before work (suddenly I see a parallel between my dad's activity and mine with the toilet).

I realised after checking my phone that it was 5:30am. I sighed, and then considered whether to get up. I decided against it but I was still awake. I enjoyed a few BBC podcasts, and slowly got out of bed. Come 7am, I am shaving, and slowly browsing about and getting ready to face the day. I also had a couple of bowel movements which were better out than in, and I took my sweet time to get ready.

Today is a 'big' day of sorts, I'm going to an interview with a major UK institution which was in a few years previous, as is now, in a very important position to affect the British and world economy. After the interview, I'm going to then try some more applications (if I can) and then head to the JCP. After that, I'm going to head back home and attempt if there are other oppurtunities to apply to jobs. I have today and tomorrow as good days to apply, even though there are other engagements. This evening I'd like to do something fun, and I'm meeting up with a few old boys to help in a pub quiz. Tomorrow is the last counselling day; wednesday is work; thursday, interning and friday is another work day. In short, it looks like there's quite a bit to do. I should hope that I dont spent too much money as I dont have much of the green stuff.

I'll also hopefully hear back from the prison, probably a rejection. I need to just keep going, more applications, more interviews. That's how it's going to go. I feel really quite hopeless. that I should keep going and believe in the idea that I am someone worthwhile. I guess you could say the first thoughts I had this morning were mia-related isolation. I can't trust mia, but she's the only one who seems to care, even if she's a figment of my imagination.

Anyhoo, I better get ready to go to work. So with that, good day.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday review

I know its not 7pm, but it feels like it. It's a 4:30-ish and I have done about a week's worth of job searching. The past few days since Thursday have been slow. I've had work, interviews, a rest day and then today. Today has been the catchup period of all the overflow tasks that I set for the week. I have also cleared up a *few* tasks for the coming few days. I think my job search record is okay, but my job applications this week is simply unacceptable, earlier in the month I sent 12 applications in a 1 week period, this week it's 2. In all fairness I've been busy, but even still, two applications is not good. I won't get interviews if I apply to so few jobs.

So now I'm going to prepare for the coming day. Tomorrow, lest I forget, I've an interview with an important institution. I'm going to dress up, maybe cufflinks, maybe not. I'll then do the computer-based assessment, wait for them to reject me, go home and then do more job searches. I suppose the travel to the financial district will give me about 60 mins to read up on Karl Popper's logic of science. After reading and walking, I'll then settle home and do more applications. I have a job centre interview later, which scares me a little.

After the JCP madness, I'm going to go back home and sort out my life schedule; fit in one more application perhaps. Then I'll get ready to meet up with my school friend that I bumped into on saturday for a pube quiz. Then tomorrow the cycle begins of more applications, then counselling. I feel uncomfortable that I've revealed so much during sessions, perhaps cancelling all of my december appointments was an act of fear rather than prudence. Letting that counsellor in is like giving a part of myself away, making myself vulnerable.

Caring about something also makes you vulnerable, when I showed how much I was a caring and dedicated person in the interview on Thursday, I opened up to them which then led to a rejection which felt like that opening up was thrown at my face. Caring about something and then failing means you fall on your face proverbially. All I seem to do is fall on my proverbial face. I could pretend to be a tough guy, but even they show their vulnerabilities by such purposefully constructed toughness and ambivalence. I felt emotionally drained between friday and saturday. Maybe I'm recovering today, only to fall on my face again, I'd presume.

I just hope that I get paid soon, so I can quit my JSA claim. With the 'wage' I'm getting from Shambly Arena, I don't think I'll be close to that laptop any time soon, but it is a greater degree of financial independence than the Job Centre, and less degrading sitting at their queue where I see the worst and most desperate of society and I am reminded: I am just like them sitting here.

"of all the challenges I've faced and surmounted in my youth..."

Good afternoon.

I am either stating in this blog if things are going well and if things aren't going well. I am inclined to speak a bit on the latter, but now after some reflection I thought I'd do something different.

It would seem obvious to say that my life isn't going well, that I'm behind schedule and nothing is going to plan (I suppose the latter is especially true. But there are small comforts and jobs in life. I'm going to meet up with a couple of friends tomorrow. I have an assessment with a major UK institution for a job, and things that have improved my overall quailty of life lately include starting a job this month, I've done two interviews last week (the more the better, even if I didn't get one and unlikely to get the other when I hear back), and I've got a discount of travel fare until Feburary 2011 as well as a pair of new glasses. These are small things, but it does show that I am functioning relatively normally.

The things that mia did to me when I was an MA student ruined my lie. I don't want mia to ruin my life, but I also don't want to be fat. I've eaten a bit much today and my parents haven't even prepared the roast. Perhaps I'll abstain from eating later on today. I haven't purged this weekend, despite having the house alone and oppurtunities to do it (I've written the word 'oppurtunities' a lot this week, I know because I don't know how to spell it properly so I need to think especially hard to write it. perhaps there's some significance to how I use that word so much).

I've decided to put on my training gloves, because they are fingerless and my hands are cold. This week has become distinctively cold. The cold barren british weather is something that is a physical and mental landscape. The mental landscape is one which pervades my mind through many memories, many moments of sadness and few moments of real joy. Yesterday I had a trigger, I got upset be a variety of things, and I guess I got affected by seeing a lot of relics from my past in my room that I've forgotten about. I'll need to reorganise my room at some point, better still I'd like to move out.

I need to focus my intentions more, keep proactive, continue to apply for jobs. I must be vigilant, I must be active. I must strive.
Of all the challenges I faced and surmounted in my youth, none come more challenging than real life.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

tidying desk drawers

When I started purging in 2007, I was under this impression that everything was going to change. At the moment I feel inclined to think that nothing changed and I'm harshly reminded of that.Going to university was supposed to be the oppurtunity to better myself and make things right. Doing a masters was supposed to mark my improvement after the depression years of 2005-7. In context, those two years seem incredibly short in the time since I finished my dissertation.

I guess that's when it all really changed. It changed for the worse.

Today I've made a task of re-organising my desk shelves. A lot of it is filled with my brother's tat. Some of the stuff look like payslips and such, others look like memories of a girlfriend past. My brother is pretty secretive, but he couldn't hide that he was on antidepressants in 2008. Probably he's still on them. Seeing his desk tat mixed with my dad kind of showed how similar we are in that we both have a dark side. It's uncomfortable to acknowledge my brother. I never was close to him, he used to shout at me when I was little and then he'd play around. I could never tell when he'd be nice or he'd be mean. So I just kept my distance. I guess that's how it is now.

I shouted at my parents again. My dad's flawed ways are so difficult to acknowledge, especially because he is so exasperating to cope with. He's coughing a lot. I fucking hate it, it's so loud and annoying and he won't lose weight. I guess mentioning my dad, and my brother in the same post, and how they are so much similar to me in the ways I have most about myself show how much I hate myself. I would like to be my own person. I hate that fucking phrase: 'my own person'. I thought that I could be unique, but all I have are memories surrounding me. Memories from the 'phase I' depression (2004-2007), the 'phase II' mia period (sep 07- 09? present?), and things to remind me of the time since I've moved back home.

I feel like I've not moved on much in my life. I feel a bit down at the moment, I don't know whether to purge, fall asleep or carry on working this task. I'm terribly behind in my schedule. I didn't expect to feel such a strong reaction from all the memories that each of these items represents. I found my ex's business card, old manuals for past MP3 players (I've written in the past about the personalised way I look at MP3 players), and recent relics from the past. All of them represent 'loose ends' that I've never managed to deal with. I often was the kind of person who refused to deal with 'loose end'-issues, things that were unresolved and ongoing. I think perhaps life is more about loose ends than they are about definitive resolvements.

I thought Mia was going to make everything resolved so I can move to another stage of my life. Perhaps that was naive.

Refusing mia

I refused an oppurtunity to purge a moment ago. I realised that the house was empty, it looked like no one was coming in for a while, and this was the golden oppurtunity to 'improve' myself. I decided not to. I feel weird to resist mia, especially because she's the only person who seems to standd up for me these days.

Anyway, I've got lots to do, I could spent my calories with that for today. I am not in shortage of things to do.

Ah life.

The emotional hangover (a review of friday)

Good morning,

I suppose this feeling can best be described as the emotinal hangover. I feel totally drained and not terribly disposed to do very much today, but alas I must. Today I have various chores, most of it is 'catchup' and continuation of my job search. I've been reasonably good this week, although one or two days I had to make serious cuts to my activities.

I think I'm going to leave the house and do what I call 'errands'. Namely, get back the signatory form from the GP office (I probably don't need it as I didn't get the job), and get my new glasses from last week that I tried on that costed me £10 to my pocket but £88 if I didn't have a HC2 form. It would be nice to have a new 'face' with the glasses. The novelty would eventually wear off. Novelty is what I need right now though.

So lets talk about other things, my ex is in a relationship with that substance abusing guy again she got previously engaged to, I didn't get the job from mencap, but they did say nice things ('the other candidates just had a stronger record in campaigning'). I guess I wasn't competitive enough. I don't think I'll hear back from the prison job, not anything good anyway. I attempted to go out last night, but I didn't manage to find anyone to talk to, felt anxious and left in shame. I felt very aware of my flaws as a person last night.

Work was an 11 hour shift. In some ways it didn't seem as long, in others I felt quite a fatigue and it was quite apparent among my colleagues. It was fun in parts, interesting in others, and tasty in others (namely, having two sandwiches). Draining all the same, emotionally and physically. When things in life get me down and shit me up, I think to myself: maybe I should take up that' girl's offer and hang out with her. I mean, what have I to lose? I should start hanging out with more people, especially girls. It would be great to meet her. The girl works in IT, just like dobby! She's also geeky, just like dobby! She also understands norwegian, which panders to my black metal fetish. In a mark-corrigan-parodical fashion, I think she's the one.

Anyway, I better go walkies. Wish me luck.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A summary of today.

I've come back home and my food for the early evening is a bowl of frosties. I indulged a little and had some McD's at Tottenham Court Road after my first interview. After my first interview, I walked casually to the British Museum. I made an effort not to stay in the Parthenon and I saw Africa, Native America, China and the Enlightenment gallery, which is always a joy. The enlightenment gallery is like a museum of an old museum. Facinating stuff.

After McD's, I had a poop, then walked around Angel, I then went to Old Street and did my interview. The panel was lovely. I thought they were really nice people and it would have passed me by if I didn't know they had a learning disability, one of them was really cute as well. Gosh, if a girl was that cute I'd date her. They all seemed like really nice people, and they loved their jobs. There's a lot of good in the charity I went to.

After the second interview (they gave me a bottle of sparkling water), I went to the event that my 'Intern boss' was running. That felt a little awkward, I didn't feel like I belonged there. Anyway, coming home I finished my book and writing it all down like this makes my day seem exceptionally short. Oh, I had a trigger just a moment ago, facebook updates about my ex girlfriend are fucking with my head. She's doing this -onagain-offagain thing with that guy who alcoholically beat her. I'd rather just let go of her. I was willing to go to see her next month. Now I don't know anymore...

After doing some research on the persons with learning disabilities, I felt a real sense of understanding about these people's lives. I really liked how they are everyday people talking about everyday things sometimes, I understand that having learning difficulties also gives them distinct difficulties with their life. I was bigging up how I knew disabled people in the interview. That was weird, I felt exploitataive.

Maybe I should do a post-mortem of the jobs. Let's talk figures.

Prison job: 700 applicants, 36 interviewees. I'll be informed next month
Charity job: 70 applicants, 6 interviewees. I'll be informed probably by tomorrow

Lets talk money.

Prison job: permanent, full time, c £18k pa
Charity job: 5 month contract, full time, £23k

Now, let's say here. If I got paid a £23k job in the charity sector I'd be fucking laughing all the way to the bank in pride. But, this is basically a temporary job which is not ideal. I'll still have to hunt like a police hound for jobs afterwards, and who knows how long it takes to get into a job again after the nonsense of unemployment.

Lets talk perks:

Prison job: permanent, pension, promotion prospects, possibility to advance in the civil service genera
Charity job: no pension, no promotion prospects, only temorary

Looks like prison job wins in this one :(

Let's talk work culture:

Prison job: highly target oriented, high pressure, hard working, possibility of going to court as a witness
Charity job: not around criminals but lovely people, possibility of writing press releases (thus PR and campaigning experience), high satisfaction from the feeling of making a difference to the lives of the mentally disabled, their families and government policy.

Hmmm, Charity job wins.

Let's summarise:

Money: Inconclusive winner
Stability: Prison wins
Work culture: Charity wins

Overall winner? Good question...
It's unlikely that I'll get two job offers, but I need to run through this mental process before I fuck up like last time when I did multiple interviews. Anyway, next on the menu for the week: work tomorrow, assessment with bank of england on monday. If I focus on the positives maybe I can forget that I don't have a girlfriend and I feel alone. Helping people gives me such a better buzz. Better still, money helps more. I'm glad I had these interviews, I just hope that it works out. I just hope something works out with my life. I hate when people ask where I want to go in life and I don't know.

Perhaps I now will allow myself the luxury of having an early night, watching cartoons all evening and relaxing. I can't relax too much though because I have work tomorrow! 11 hour shift. That will pay for a few xmas pressies I'm sure.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


At this moment I feel the stresses of life bearing down on me hard.

I 'apparently' recieved a call from the GP office in the 'morning'. If they have my number correct, then it probably was during when I tried to call the counselling office, which is a cruel sense of God's humour. Because I failed to recieve the call, I realised as I went to the GP office now, that it's too late to have the vetting form completed, and it's my fault (that's me taking responsibility). If I had more control over my tasks and everything around me, then I would have completed this task properly. THIS FAILURE MAY HAVE COST ME A GOOD JOB. I AM FUCKING ANGRY AT MYSELF.

I want to purge, but really there isn't anything inside me. I want to purge to punish myself, I don't deserve food. I hate that all of my life is 'damage control', getting over PhD rejections, getting over job rejections, getting over girlfriend rejections, getting over my dreams being shattered to fucking pieces. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A FUCKING BREAK.

Maybe I'll drink loads of water then make myself purge. I don't feel like I deserve to eat right now. I feel so fat, I feel so ugly. I could be so beautiful if I were only a few kgs less. Thin people are successful, not losers who get rejections from PhD applications. I hate my life. I FUCKING HATE IT.

Perhaps damage control is the only thing I can do now. I'll prepare for tomorrow; do some research for the job positions; get my clothes ready and maybe even have a shower. I'll likely have the house alone after my parents go and drop off my nephew, so I suppose that's a window to purge. It's my fault, I fucking fell asleep when I should have been more proactive.

The early bird catches the worm, the late one feels a passive aggressive sense of failure with his life.

Catching zee's

After a fairly busy afternoon of trying to catch up with things, I found myself asleep. I must have went to sleep some time just before 1pm. I woke up just after 16:30. Perhaps my body needed that sleep, but I certainly do not feel any better for it. Maybe I should consider some positives.

  • I did make a request to cancel counselling appointments (human contact)
  • I applied to two jobs
  • I did some job searching
  • I cleared up some of the calendar tasks  
I realise that there is only so much I can do in a day. I'm no superman. Realising this, as well as my physical needs of being mentally apt for the task, is important. The coming few days will be busy, but also positive. Today is the only day before Saturday when I can focus on the important business of job applications. I've done two sofar, perhaps I could do more? I bloody hope so. These applications are oppurtunities, and I must make more of oppurtunities. Perhaps I am lacking in motivation.

Now that I'm awake, I just hope that I can get enough done. I am going to call the GP office to see if they have my signatory form. That's very important - busy line. Fuck.

As busy as the day is long

Good morning (It's still morning, isn't it?)

Today feels long. I woke up early. I did something different to most days in recent weeks, as I got up early, I actually stayed up. I ventured for an early start in the morning. My dad's throat sounds of coughing were an annoyance to say the least, it sounds like he's quite ill. It's more annoying than worrying, but it is both. I'm tired of his inadequacies.

I did a lot of job searches, eleven job boards and organisations; I watched a few episodes of X men, and then I applied to two jobs. I feel like my mind is slowing a bit at the moment. Perhaps I need to clear my head.

I've made the decision to cancel my december appointments for counselling. This is due to a few reasons:

  • Two-three of those weeks I will genuinely be unavailable for an appointment. Due to Christmas, and post-Christmas, and a possible visit to my ex.
  • I need to save money
  • I feel awkward around the counsellor
  • I felt I disclosed something in yesterday's session that makes me uncomfortable about myself
The two reasons at the end aren't very good ones, but I'm being honest. I feel powerless enough in society. It just seems easier to not do any more sessions after next week. What about January? Now that's a question...maybe I'm deceiving myself to cancel indefinately. I'm not sure yet, but its a good way to decieve myself. The work of mia perhaps?

Speaking of mia, I had a supper last night that consisted of a roti that was a week old, cereal, and a grab bag of doritos estimated value of bag: 750kcal. I guess in balance my diet wasn't the worst in the world. I have a lot to do today, not least the preparation for tomorrow's interviews. I've decided to take a break for lunch. Perhaps a break will space out my concentrations

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The day today

For some reason, I feel a bitter taste in my mouth.

I woke up later than desired. I then ventured to the train station to fill up my oyster card with a few pounds that I have left. I then went to the job centre. I filled out a form, then I had to wait in this annex part of the building. There was a cute little girl who reminded me of how Antonia's daughter once was, that made me smile and reminisce. There was also a black guy there singing songs in a reggae style. I don't think all of the songs were reggae, the man kept repeating to himself: 'the lord has a sense of humour, man' and kept laughing to himself, interspersed with songs in reggae style singing. It was clear after a while that this man was mentally ill.

There was then a man who came in who looked like Lemmy from Motorhead, he kept swearing and saying things in an aggressive way. It made me feel distinctly uncomfortable. Luckily, the security guard told the man to keep the language down to an acceptable passivity. This guy seemed angry at everything and kept saying how he's been to prison before and not afraid to go again. Seeing people like that, people I normally don't have in mind, was distinctly uncomfortable. But it's not fair to ignore such individuals. It wasn't nice to swear in front of the baby, though. When the guy came back and left again, he said 'lets get some alcohol'. Then the little girl kept repeating 'alcohol'. That upset me. It made me think: what kind of world are these people making for such innocent little ones?

So, after a 40 minute wait, which didn't go by as long as I thought, I got a New Deal travel discount. I've yet to put it into my oyster card yet, but the prospect is that it will entail a 50% discount. A 50% discount on travel is bloody welcome, I must say. I'll be sad when it expires (Feb 2011). I will say though that I appreciate if I had a proper job by then.

As I got home (I half walked the way), I started pondering and reflecting. I realised that I had not eaten all day. I weight myself upon returning home and I noticed that I was on my weight loss target that I set ages ago. That was good news especially since I hadn't given much attention to my weight of late. I was afraid I gained. Anyway, I then found myself a little tired so I had a slow bath. I realised that I had a big backlog of tasks and I felt a bit off from that. I also made an effort to contact HR about the payment issues. It happened that the pay for this month is NEXT MONTH. Fuck. Anyway, this means that I'll need to wait a bit longer to get paid, and I'll need to be frugal. I took a long walk to the counselling office and I found that someone from the local community group I'm involved with was going up the stairs in the building. In short, I was 'caught'. That's fucked up. Anyway I didn't really take much attention to that, that was too personal.

I spent the next 50 minutes ranting about how angry I got from my incarceration. I feel a bit bad about that. I'm always angry at that, and if I'm honest, its a part of my history I hate acknowledging and always makes me angry. I'm really glad that I got it out though. I feel a little better acknowledging that I'm feeling all these things. Now I'm thinking to myself how much I have to do this week. Tomorrow is the last day before I have the interviews, I am not interning on Thursday (because it's interfaith week, and well I wouldn't anyway as there are interviews. I might give a little visit to the event they are holding though. It would be nice to see my 'boss' in her element. Also she's kinda cute. Friday I'm working a long shift. I am also perhaps going out after work, there's a munch I want to go to and since I'm in 'the area' I might go.

Since coming home from the counselling, I've leisurely eaten (museli and milk; roti) while watching the last episode of quantum leap on the Sky+. At that point I realised that there isn't any television that interests me on the record list. That dawning made me realisise how numb I feel. I did talk about something during counselling other than my anger: I talked about Adorno's culture industry thesis, Schoenberg, and Zarathustra. Yes, I was talking about Nietzsche's Zarathustra. Perhaps I'll have more to say about that on this blog at some point. I guess the thought arised from when I said in a previous post about feeling like a modenist in a post-post modern world.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My list of worries

Today I've kept on my feet. I think its the combination of having little money plus having to do so much. Let's see what I've done so far:

  • Signed in - 1C
  • Invited to interview 1.5C
  • Withdrew money from account (going to the bank till) 0.5C
  • Realised I had money issues - 3C
  • Filling out pre-interview forms - 2C
  • Issues with form 1: missing form- 0.2 C
  • Issues with form 2: need countersignatory - 2.5C
Listing these worries and using the Conatus schema for anxiety has helped. How much anxiety is that overall? Well, my initial answer is: too much. Let's see what my other answer can be: 11.7C

I've not reached this amount in a lonmg time. In all fairness, I don't feel it at once, but It does take a toll on my body.

Vulnerability and strength

Today I've felt tested and challenged in many ways. In some ways, if I persevere through today, I think that this should be considered a productive day. Maybe I'll talk about yesterday for a moment.

Yesterday I was texting the ex. Ugh, I hate saying that, too many x'es without sex, and since it's my ex, sex is never too far away from thought. Anyway, I purged. I couldn't hold it in after the upset and distress she gave me. Plus my life is shit in general. I couldn't sleep last night. I was in this weird state of mind where I was neither able to sleep, and I wasn't really in the best mood to do stuff either, especially because I needed to wake up.

My mobile phone let me down this morning. I don't know how, or why, but it didn't warn me when it was 9:30. I woke up exceptionally late and was *technically* late for my sign in appointment. I did however, not get any trouble for it, as the lady I sign in with was also seemingly late, phew. Anyway, she told me some stuff, firstly, she asked me to come in some time this week to drop off two pictures of a passport photo so that I could get this New Deal discount for travelling around london, which sounds nice especially considering that I have 'money problems' right now.

I shall say a bit more about my money issues. After the sign in appointment, I realised that I had two tasks afterward, firstly I needed to withdraw what little money I have from my account (less than £10) so I went to the bank branch and took out £9. Going home I felt exceptionally anxious, not least because the advisor at the JCP said I had to be put into some scheme soon as a mandatory measure (I've been signing in for too long). It was a nightmare being with that Reed in Partnership bunch so this really gives me a sense of dread and urgency. The funny thing is that I already have a 'job' now, it just happens that as a technicality, I am not earning enough to sign off, and the JSA does supplement my income which is well needed now more than ever. Especially because I have 'money issues'. I've not been paid yet from my wage of this past month (fuck).

I'm also fucked over on account of not having enough cash to pay for counselling tomorrow. Well that's not true, I've just got enough to pay for counselling after coming back from the bank. But now I have other things looming on my head as worries. I'm going to list my worries in a list.

  • I've not been paid yet for my work with Shambly arena. It was said to go in on the 18th. I've got nothing yet...
  • I've only got enough for counselling tomorrow
  • I have been 'threatened' with being put on another damned scheme with the job centre, it might just be easier if I just ended my claim. But I am so low in cash I'm too dependent on them with my other expenses. Especially since I've not been paid in yet. FUCK
  • I have an additional expense to make, after just about having enough money for counselling: I need money to buy at least 4 passport sized photos of myself. My mum said that the local place that does it costs £12. I am about £4-5 short of that goal. I'll probably have to walk to the job centre to drop it off too. I guess I could use the walk.
Let me say it in an even shorter form.

  1. I'm worried that I've not been paid yet for the job
  2. I'm worried that I've just got enough for counselling - this is a burden of an expense
  3. I'm worried about being wrangled into another 'scheme' and falling into another depression
  4. I'm worried that I don't have enough money to finish my tasks for this week: namely, passport photos.
I think I've found a resolve. If I get the passport pictures on thursday morning, and then head off to the interview, I might just have time to complete all the tasks, but this is a bit of a stretch. I'm worried.

I feel really weak right now, the fact that I'm in such a dire financial situation, the fact that I'm in such a dire job situation, the facct that I have to jump hoops for the job centre and how everything in my life is not going well, I'm lonely, I'm purging again and I'm humping a pillow twice a night. Life doesn't seem too great. That said, Perhaps I'm the strongest emotionally I've ever been, because I have to survive all this shit alone. If I survive, it would be pretty nice :).

Lets end with a couple of positivies. Come the end of this week, I'll have an interview on thursday, I was also invited (about an hour ago) to a second interview on thursday with another application I sent. I also have an assessment on monday with a major graduate recruiter. Fuck yeah.

Anyway. I just hope that it all works out. I suppose I should try to make things work instead of blog about it. I've sounded off. Now to man up.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

When Antonia upsets me. I have nothing to hide from. Except maybe mia. I want to purge very much right now. I feel very down.

I wish there was something I could say, something that could make it all better in a simple gesture.

In absence of that, one tries to forge some kind of means of living.

I feel lonely today. I realised that the cute girl who lived in Norway that I was chatting to for a few weeks is just like Marie. It's brought up some uncomfortable memories. I guess I could move on with my schedule.

Mia, and my heart

In recent weeks, I've had a lot of pain in my chest. I think it's my heart. I feel this intense sting of pain sometimes, I need to pause if I'm talking and it is painful enough that I cannot pretend that it is not happening. Since I am not around many people, and most people don't care enough to notice: it's not been too much of an issue. I think that it's the mia that is having this effect on my heart. I know that I don't purge very much, and it's been maybe a week and a half since I last purged, but all the years of doing it irrespective of the frequency, is having an effect on me. I feel my teeth getting a bit weaker, and I feel these heart troubles. Lets not forget the embarrassment of having my tooth surgically removed as well.

Mia affects me as if she's a person. What kind of girl is she? She's empty, she has no autonomous presence, a real girl has her own life and her own presence, her own wants, life goals and preferences. Mia is like a shadow of my mind. Mia's smart, she pretends to care about me, she even knows how to push my buttons. She reminds me of Marie.

Marie may well never have existed with the way that Mia seems to be so much like her. Marie betrayed me, Marie pretended to care to the effect that I believed in her lies. She made me addicted to her, she made me addicted to her approval and her advice. That feeling of addiction and getting my 'fix' of Marie whenever I could, was much like how Mia affected me. In addition, that 'fix' I felt when I talked to her felt like human contact and compassion, but it was something so much more parasitic.

As many readers (as if anyone other than my self reads this) will know, it was announced that Prince William got engaged. Not that it matters much to me, but there is a lot of comparison to almost 30 years ago when his Father was engaged to Diana. Many people loved Diana and that's a whole phenomenon in itself. Some sociologists I recall, made an analysis that many could relate to Diana because of how imperfect the world is when someone like her, who is so beloved because of her beauty and her caring nature, is made to suffer by the world. There was a bbc radio piece earlier this week reminding us about how, 15 years ago, there was an interview with Martin Bashir (later famous for the Michael Jackson documentary) and the 'Queen of Hearts' herself. Diana talked about her affair, how her marriage broke down, and her bulimia.

As i write this post I'm reminded of that part of the interview when she mentions 'mia'. Diana said something like: people wanted to blame it on the bulimia that things were going wrong, as if that was the cause of the problems and not a symptom. Something that came up in counselling is about control. Specifically, whether I should take responsibility for my actions and my situation, against the conflicting position of how this situation is defined outside of myself. In a sense this seems to be the ultimate dilemma in sociology. How far does society confine and restrict one's wellbeing and opportunities against the percieved agency and potential that is human capacity. Is it up to me to overcome the odds and succeed in this tough job situation, this tough economic and social situation? Or am I an unwilling victim to the inevitable forces of society where my volition alone is a pion to the overpowering waves of influence?

In a sense, both propositions are true: I must keep going and fight my chances, fight my corner and try to make something of my life in this horrid situation. On the other hand, no matter what I do, I cannot change the world alone. Where does mia come into this situation? Diana seems to say that for her, it was because of all  the formalities and protocol rules around the Royal Family, and the so-called 'three person marriage' that constricted her. Right now feeling my pain makes me feel a bit of understanding for such a cultural figure. It's not about her that people mourn, it's about how much she was like the people. A real woman in a surreal world.

My ex is bothering me at the moment. Antonia gave me a text with kisses yesterday, I replied with an irrelevant response: I like mushrooms. Then she was asking if I still wanted to go to the ballet. I said I'd go. Then she said 'don't be an arsehole'. I told her that she shouldn't talk to me like that. She replied: I just did. I think I'll just ignore her. That's what the mia inside me is telling me. I don't want a fight, I don't want her to bring me down. If she wants to be petty with me I'll let her be petty and try to stay unaffected. My knowledge of human behaviour in a normative sense is incomplete. I have gaps in my understanding of other people. I should stop looking at my phone.

My parents are out. I could purge. I feel like doing nothing today. I got an invitation to an assessment for a grad scheme. It's with a major institution of the financial district. I haven't replied back yet. I don't feel like doing anything today. In other news, I've nearly finished the book that I'm reviewing. I guess you could say I'm a few weeks away from finishing it and writing the book review. I'm actually (would you believe it) on schedule for it. Anyway. I better do something with my day instead of feel sorry for myself, or purge.

The non-alcoholic hangover

I guess one way to describe feeling depressed is like a hangover. Maybe I should stick with the positives.

Since I was a teenager, I've kept a cultural connection and friendship with these Latin American girls. I developed feelings for one of them, and now I am just close friends with her. I keep close friendships with all of them, a relationship enabled by the joys of facebook, MSN and Skype. I guess you could say (here I sound like a loser) that I invested a lot of myself online, in friendships like these. I should probably focus more on my 'IRL' avatar.

Anyway, yesterday, I went out with two of these girls. They are not the ones I know really well, but they are good friends with them. We met up in Camden, then I wanted to find a restaurant of their country that was supposed to be nearby, it didn't exist. We ventured on to the British Museum (my favourite place) where I made a joke that Aphrodite looked like my ex. Then I made a friend that one guy (who is a boyfriend of one of the latina girls [not in the party]) looked like a certain greek statue, muscular and naked. I can be charming, nice and sweet sometimes. They are nice girls, and it's so nice to just meet up with old friends, since they are new to the country, and the city it was an opportunity to show off my knowledge, and get lost in the city in a way that was non-embarrassing.

I was thinking to myself: if this were any other situation, namely, a date; this would have been a perfect oppurtunity to show myself as a nice guy. Needless to say, I'm not interested in that sort of thing with those girls. In as most sincere a manner as I can say: they are good friends. Maybe I'll use that routine with a future date: walk through whitehall in the evening with no one around, see the gorgeous thames and make jokes and small talk.

Heading home, there was a group of teenagers and two adults who I presume to be parental supervisors. One boy was really rude, he was commenting on the appearance of the other passengers on the tube, and he tried to get some response to me since I was reading, and I replied in a deadpan/friendly way and he saw it wasn't possible to rattle me. I think I was probably a little bit like him when I was younger. I wanted the attention and made a spectacle of myself. I'm really glad that isn't me anymore (well, most of the time). I had half the urge to give him a punch or citizen arrest him. The boy was really rude to some of the female passengers in a totally unacceptable way, and he talked about raping his (presumably step-)sister in a really loud way as she sat next to him. I suppose it was in a way that exposed some kind of 'ironic distance' in the same way that punks and the retro-punk movements exhibited a view of abhorrence not their own.

The thing about ironic distance is that it tries to be clever and cynical. Why not try to be clever and develop rituals and idioms of proper significance, what ever happened to originality? what about the perfection of the stylistic norms and an advancement of the modernist notion of progress and perfection: what ever happened to human advancement? Perhaps that's my dilemma. I'm a modernist in a post-postmodern world. Cynicism is tired, and nothing is left.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I saw this often: Ja bless the NHS

One of the things of actual use that I've done today is that I've gotten and Eye test and bought a pair of glasses. Thanks to the NHS exemption form, I got a free eye test, and I only had to spend £10 for a pair of glasses that would normally cost £69. They wwill give me a slightly different look I think, and it's a bit retro and geek-chic too.

If I didn't have that HC2 form, I'd have to have paid £88.32. Instead, I paid with most of my tip money from last night. I thought that was a pretty impressive utility of my frugality. These days you have to pinch as many pennies as possible. Perhaps I should take stock of that fact and enjoy the stuff I do have. Money is tight these days, but I do have a hard drive full of movies to enjoy I guess.

I think that I'll try to enjoy tonight. I'm going to give myself some slack. I've been meaning to get another eye test since, oh, 2009. It's a welcome new addition to my inventory, especially since my glasses are not fit for purpose. I suppose I could enjoy the audiobooks I have as well.

Scheduling next month

I've got my hours for next month. The corporation is only open for two weeks, so it's a limited amount of work, even still, it's a limited amount.

So calculations are, 4 days of work over the first two weeks of December. Hours calculate to:

6 + 4.75 + 4 + 5 = 19.75

Wages calculate to:

19.75 x 7 = £138.25 (not including deductions)

Not bad for two weeks work, not great, but it beats JSA by any stretch. I just wish, however, that I was earning a *little* bit more, but beggars cannot be choosers can they? At least last night someone called me 'old boy' and 'old chap' following a 'jolly good work'. You don't know posh until you meet aristocrats. One of them looked like the monopoly man, I swear his sideburns looked like a thin plastic card, were they prosthetic? I can only speculate.

It looks unlikely that I'll be visiting my ex next month. Since she's met someone, I guess she's moved on. I should only do the same. Yesterday I was thinking things, things almost amounting to letting go. One day I'll let go of her. I just need to get on with my life. Besides, I've got lots to keep me busy for now. Especially now. I better get back to scheduling my coming month.

Ugh, that money isn't even enough to buy an Xbox with the latest games, or an extra pad. Fuckedy. At least I'm working, that's perhaps the one comfort. I just hope I get paid soon...I am expecting it to come soon....

That's the thing about expectation. It's one thing to expect, it's another for it to happen. Okay, so what do I have to do now? I guess I should tidy my room and shower...then other stuff. Ugh. I feel low motivation. I may be working now, but I still need to concentrate on the bases. Hygiene, tidy room, schedule etc. This should be positive...It just seems meticulous and ritualised. Maybe that's my way of improving.

Interview next week, let's aim high!

Day of rest

Third day as a real working man. I did some interning in the morning/afternoon until 5pm. I finished up a bit of work and then I went to my paid job. It was an evening shift at Shambly arena (I like that name), and there were some pretty rich and important people. There was a guy who looked like a kaiser, and there was one woman who had a swastika motif on her shawl. I guess that's how the rich roll.

Lets just say the night was initially stressful and long, then the rest of it was alright. I got home nicely with a taxi. I suppose I could say more about the night, but I'm just a bit too tired to remember. The drive home was nice, they took me home in a Mercedes and I counted my tip for the night. Fifteen pounds fifty. Count it and weep, brother, that's a good day's takings considering that I won't get paid for a while. Something on my mind that troubles me a bit is that I've not been paid yet. In my head I'm entertaining a few possibilities as to why:

  • They can't read my handwriting on the sign in book (I bloody hope not)
  • They haven't got my correct pay details (also, I bloody hope not, also I sent it to them TYPED)
  • There is a semantic difference between when they say 'payments will be made' and when I actually get the money, like how when I sign on with the JSA they pay on monday/tuesday and it comes in on thursday. Maybe it's like that. I hope it's like that. I want to give them a week's grace before I start enquiring. I'm just a little pissed off at that because I dont have much money and tomorrow I'm planning to meet up and hang out with these two girls that I promised to look after.
So today, I'm sorta catching up on things, sleep for one. I got up listening to Bob Marley playing on my computer, it was quite tranquil. I got a call earlier to invite me to an eye test. Which is nice. I hope they accept my exemption form, and then I'll get a free eye test, and a pair of new and (i hope) NHS subsidised glasses. Perhaps, I think, the reason for my headaches is because of 1. my glasses are old and 2. my glasses are a bit worn down and thus: unusable without falling off.

If I'm lucky I might do things from my schedule. I am not terribly ambitious today. I'm tired. If you were up from 8am yesterday until 2am for work, I'm sure you'd feel the same. I am allowing myself the indulgence of rest. I have tickets to see Mozart this evening, but I feel too poor to go out tonight. Maybe I'll just watch episodes of X-men on my computer. Or robotech. Maybe I'll indulge myself with a pizza? Maybe not. I've eaten too much this week. I can barely keep my eyes open right now.

I suppose I should get ready to go. Damn.

I haven't even scheduled next months' work yet. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that. It's about 25 hours of work I think.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Clearing up my week schedule invariably leads to it betting cluttered again. Somehow, my week looks busy again after yesterday's big clear up. The 7 day planner always adds another day. I guess that can't be helped.


I'm applying to the exact same job I did 6 months ago with the same organisation. Temp contract. I suppose that's how they cycle them. I thought it was deja vu. It's just poor hiring practices. Hire, fire, fuck off.

Terrible. I'm applying anyway. A job's a job.

Counsel to console

The nightmare.

I had a pretty bad nightmare last night/as I woke. It was a dream that was basically a retelling of the end of my MA degree. I was applying at my old university for a PhD (anonymously for some reason), but my supervisor for my MA dissertation knew it. I went into a classroom (not one that corresponds with real life. If anything it looked like a classics classroom from Jesuit school, but just barely. I found the room empty and I found a room with undergraduates leaving, presumably as they are going to another class or as a class ended. I had that feeling of not being a part of them. I didn't find my MA supervisor, but I did find this document holder where he wrote a circular email (why an email was expressed as a paper document is why dreams dont make sense).

On the email/document, it said something like: why (I) should not be admitted for PhD. It was a list of my grades. They were low, and there were only two grades, and one that said 'failed, had to resubmit'. I felt so shit and I felt betrayed.

This is the point where I wake up.

And now back to the original blog post

At the end of the counseling session yesterday, my counsellor said that this week I said a lot and many emotions came out from what I've addressed. More than any other session did I express so much feeling, that's the impression I got from her. Perhaps it was her response to my monologue and not hers. In a counselling session, I make that room an extension of my own mind-world and I let her take a peek. My initial impression was positive. Now I don't know what to think.

So what did I talk about? I mentioned that I was ahead of schedule yesterday. Counsellor says that I'm always on about my schedule (well not in those words). I refuse to answer a question about how I felt and addressed how I needed to do more.

I talked about flux. Namely, the instability and uncertainty of my life and the world outside of me. It is essential to assume that conditions do not stay constant. I was not always like this, I thought things would always be constant. That's the difference between me at 17 (before I started to get depressed) and now. The depression period I refused to talk about, I thought it was a distraction. To talk about the now was relevant, not the period between 2004-2007. I learned a lot to get out of depression, I needed to learn life skills and get over many aspects of my anxiety. Learning this helped me become a better person, and in doing so, I saw this as a transition to my adult mind.

The transition to being a proper adult is something that seems implicit to my depression. Much has changed between myself (Pre university) and now (post university, if you will). Learning to account for the outside world is why I created my rituals. My memory isn't so good, and I want to control the things that I can control, because there are things that I cannot control like the economy, the academic situation or the job situation.

I had a triger last week because Facebook told me that Antonia found someone else. This was really difficult to talk about. This upset me because I was jealous, and also because I wish I could say that since that relationship, or in my life in general, I had something to show for myself. I have nothing to show for myself. The counsellor then interjected about all the music and things I've learned. I replied that most of those achievements were pre-university. I've entered from a period of teenaged savantism to adult mediocrity. I thought the progress rate would be constant.

My dissapointment is that I send so many applications and have no success. This seems to me as a sign of failure on my part that I put so much work in with my schedule and my day plans which have no result on anything, it makes no dent on trying to improve my life. The counsellor found a good word to describe that: Frustrating.

I mentioned towards the end about externalising. I could externalise my situation and blame something, or someone else. It's because of Marie that I fucked up my masters degree, it's because of Mia I ruined my life, it's because of the economy that all of this happened with the PhD and girlfriend failures. Or I could accept responsibility. In a sense I do both. I see how this situation outside of me confines my ability to succeed, but also, despite this, I see that my lack of success in these conditions, despite my efforts, is a sign of my inaction.

You know, the counsellor is right. I am feeling a lot of emotions talking about this. It makes me want to cry, or purge, or something.

I guess I should get on with my day. Self realisation can be a downer. Maybe I'll listen to some douchebag pop to try and cheer me up. Or there's always an audiobook.

Defend the Arts and Humanities: Why Defend the Arts and Humanities?

Defend the Arts and Humanities: Why Defend the Arts and Humanities?: "THE ARTS AND HUMANITIES ARE USEFULWe teach students to think rigorously and to articulate their thoughts clearly and creatively in writing ..."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This is not something I usually say...

I've finished all of my scheduled tasks for today. Everything I do from this point ( except for counselling) is for future scheduled tasks. I bet that if I pick a certain job board I'll suddenly fill up my week with applications. I am in a place where I am relishing the fact that I finished everything before midday (after starting just before 11) and realising realistically that once I check the W4MP job board of university of london, I'm going to have a chocked up calendar for the next three weeks. 'm going to pause, drink in the smug sense of satisfaction, and then dive into it.

Normally I'd go jogging at this point. Maybe I still could. It's quite bright outside and possibly non slippery. Hmm, Perhaps that would be a better idea. For now, however, I should get things done. It's not to say that I have a lack of things to do. It's just that I'm ahead of schedule. Okay, patting myself is over.

A positive post, I still do those you know...

Good morning,

As I woke up this morning, the first thing I pondered upon was 'I need to shit'. While sitting on the throne, the second thing I was thinking was that I had a distinct cut-off time for when I finished applying for jobs today, I had 5 hours (now just over 4 hours) to apply to jobs, and then go to my counselling appointment. At the moment I am slowly applying to a John Lewis grad scheme. I really wonder why I bother, however my application schedule this week is distinctly a bit skimpy. I'm not quite sure why. I should be more forward with applications, in that Saturday is probably occupied, Friday is probably occupied as well. Today and tomorrow are probably my only real application days, since Thursday is the busy day.

I had a nice (yet gluttonous) breakfast of two pecan crusty pastries. I'm a little distracted, looking at pictures of watchmen and procrastinating. On the plus side, payday is coming soon, in addition, I'm upright and fighting. Perhaps I can be positive about that. The past few days were a matter of clearing up a scary looking schedule, now its more clear I'm in a good position to move forward. Now i need to clear up my GReader blockup and I'll be on top of things.


For a day of stupour, this isn't the worst

Things I have done today:

  • Tidied up the house after party
  • Ate, ate and ate some more (post-party food is copious)
  • Sent application to a job
  • Did some job searching
  • Had a nap
  • Caught up on a few days worth of tasks, thus freeing up this week for mainly job applications.
Considering that I have an upcoming interview (the latest saviour from mediocrity), and the week is reasonably clear. I am slowly catching up to all the things I'm 'behind' with. I haven't applied to as many jobs of late. I'll need to get on that.

I've been in a bit of a muddle headed stupour lately. With my parents hosting guests, I have the heat off me for a while so I can focus a bit more. Although I feel like i've not done much, I do also feel that this week (except thursday) is going to be fairly clear sailing. That clears the way for having friday off and just resting.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Clutching straws

Sometimes I feel like I'm clutching at straws, or I feel like I'm grasping at a handful of sand that slowly escapes my fingers, where holding even firmer a grip loses more sand. The moral of the metaphor seems to be: you always lose. I thought I ate a lot yesterday. I still think that I did. I lost weight yesterday, it's a good stable weight loss. I hope the weight loss sticks. I want to reach lower than the 220lb mark at some point. Hopefully this year. I don't feel terribly great about my appearance.

The elephant in the room: I found out a couple of days ago that Antonia met someone else. Facebook told me of all things. That's the thing about so-called extraverts: they reveal too much. I hate that distinction of introvert/extravert. It seems pseudoscientific (maybe I call everything I don't like pseudoscience to justify myself and feel superior). Surely the sociopathic individual learns to manipulate others by pretending to be extravert but has no real personality; personality is only a means to a bloody end for such an individual.

I had a couple of bad triggers over the weekend. It is fair and honest to say that I got upset. I purged.

At times when I purge, I realise that I do have issues. Sometimes when I'm at counselling I feel like I don't have issues, maybe because over the past few weeks things have improved in an objective sense: namely, I started a new job, and I had an interview recently with another interview coming up. Yesterday I was distracted from purging/trigger, which had a consequence of feeling exceptionally drowsy. I couldn't do anything when I was drowsy so I listened to a few chapters on my audiobook of 'The Secret History' by Donna Tartt. I feel like a trendy 90s youth.

Some emotional realisations have dawned upon me this week. I feel lonely and I miss intimacy, I miss having a woman in my life. I wish it could be enough that I had my schedule . I've had a complicated relationship with mia lately. I'm starting to feel that the boundaries between me and the eating disorder are blurring. It is often during times of instability when mia attacks. Considering that I've kept a strong front these few months, I think having a fall into depressive tendencies around mid-November is a pretty good record compared to previous years. I am still in relative control over my social appearance of a life. I still need to do things in my schedule. Today is a challenge in various respects. My dad's having a party in the house. This means that I have to help out most of the morning and this has the effect of disrupting my schedule. I also will be around a lot of food, and alcohol. Lets see if I'll keep sober and stable. I'll probably need to relocate my computer downstairs, which isn't the worlse thing in the world. I'll probably need to sleep in another room, considering that I'm the 'afterthought' and some family friends are coming by. As it happens (considering this weekend' upsets focus around my ex), they were the family who lived near where I was studying for university, and near (relatively) where my ex is. Seeing them again will remind me of what I've lost. From their house I can almost see her town from their veranda.

I'm going to keep busy for now. I hope that plan works, at least.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Oh, moan moan moan, then marvel comics cheers you up

In the film Trekkies 2, there is a character who lives in England who made his flat into a Star Trek style domain of miscellany. The character, while seemingly pathetic, says that he felt this was the only thing that kept him going when he went through a divorce. I was feeling really low most of yesterday, and tired. I could give all sorts of reasons why I felt that way, it doesn't matter really. I was on the verge of tears yesterday. Then I started watching some episodes of the new Avengers cartoon. That cheered me up. There's something about Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, the hope of seeing Captain America and other familiar and not so familiar people from the Marvel Universe cheered me up. I didn't feel as low. Forget antidepressants, I just need to have more fun. I need to save up for a games console, that's my decision. But first, I need to ensure that expenses are covered over the next few weeks, such as transport/travel, counselling and any unexpected fees that come up (e.g. my shoes break). That reminds me, I need to wax my shoes. I need to do all sorts of shit. Ugh.

My dad's birthday celebration will be a distraction for me. I don't think I'll get as much done today. I need to get a birthday card, and birthday present. I'll need to do all sorts of shit. Ugh. Suddenly I feel tired thinking about all this. My body feels a little worn down after the endurance I've put myself through. If this resulted in weight loss, I'd be exceptionally happy. I need to keep my body and mind active, that causes calories to be lost. Maybe my stamina isn't as strong. Well, I'll need to up the gear. I feel another tendency to turn the gear down just to keep in control.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Outsider

Today is remembrance day. In school there was a tradition to read out all the alumni and schooboys who were involved in wars past. It was the tradition for the Headboy to read every name so that they were remembered in a special ceremony for them. I found it quite moving, although I'm not especially religious, having that kind of spirituality or deference made me feel a wider dimension to my humanity.

One remembrance day many years ago, I was in a mental hospital. Years later, I have a masters degree, an undergraduate degree with honours and I'm working as and events assistant and an intern in an office. I'm dressed smartly, wearing a black tie (for mourning, and style) and a white shirt that I am coming to quite like.

I feel numb inside today. i feel tired, and my eyes can't focus much. i don't feel in the mood to talk, yet in my own mind I haven't stopped chattering about memories. I feel exceptionally tired, tired of living, perhaps. I want to just lay in my own thoughts as they consume me out of consciousness as I fade away into my own world. How I lasted in a mental hospital in near complete silence confounds me. Those several days in prison were many years of life. Have I truly learned my lesson since then? That is the hard question I have not answered. I feel like crying, or drawing a deep breath. Perhaps it is the long shift yesterday or a lack of sleep; today feels like one endurance task too many.

Things I've forgotten

1. A family member's birthday completely passed me by of late.
2. 'That day' in 2006. you know, when i was hospitalised.

I'm hungry, i'm at work, and I don't thinkmy boss is in at the moment. Fuck. I rushed here after a delayed train, for an unpaid intern day wherethe boss isn't in and I've been here too long. Double fuck

Narratives outside my life

Yesterday, not far from where I worked was a student-led protest about the increasing tuition fees. There was also a riot, as the Conservative party HQ was violated by very angry and aggressive protesters. My thought: I'm not surprised it happened sooner. While those students fight like they have nothing to lose, I was starting a job that pays lower than the London Living Wage, and I see it as the greatest thing that's happened in my life. Oppurtunities and social mobility are not the greatest of prospects these days. The social mobility that my parents and my older sister enjoyed is closed to me, the issue of whether I have more qualifications or if I'm 'smarter' and better able is a 'misnomer' in this light.

I once read that during when Ratzinger (the current Pope) was part of Hitler Youth and during WWII, he read about Patristic theology during the Antiquities as a means of coping, a means of sounding out all the shit of the present day. I'm not the best Catholic in the world but I do find solace in the fact that an academic could get so far in Christendom. I always liked that about the Catholic Church; elitism by menas of achievement rules.

I feel lost in this world. Last night I was debating to myself whether it was worth going to the office today. I feel quite low today. I should make a scale of how low I feel. If 10 is rock bottom (surely zero should be rock bottom). If Zero is Rock bottom, and 10 is not unhappy, I suppose I feel an 8. I save zero as a theoretical limit. Maybe I feel a 6. I'm hungry as well. Perhaps its the food that lowers my mood, namely the absence of.

Perhaps I should leave early for the internship, getting a sandwich or something before I start. I don't feel terribly alert today. My weight (with only shifting half of my fecal matter) is 224.8. Not the best weight in the world, but it is maintaining a lower weight. I do need to push myself more. Perhaps I might even start excercising this week! Ugh, that's not been on my mind for a few weeks now. I guess it's fair to say that I've kept busy with other things. I have started a new job after all.

The more I read about the news today, with budget cuts, austerity and the aspirations of many in my peer group crushed (yet I still see my peers succeeding where I do not). I begin to feel more isolated, lonely and hopeless. I remember the security guy Mac at work yesterday saying, as he knew from his injured stepdaughter's own experience: not having something to do during the day can destroy you, it can bring you right down. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon that once I've finished, no one really bothers about my success. Surviving seems to take a lot out of me. Doing anything more than that seems impossible. I feel immediately fake once I've said these words.

I'm going to the office early. Perhaps I'll get a sandwich on the way. If I'm on time.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Getting into the routine (and the lucky break)

So, today is the second day at work. I think I'm getting the idea of it. There seem to be a lot of Australians in managerial positions and they are all sexyglamorous 20-30 somethings. As a 20something myself, I feel small. I made small talk with the staff. We events assistants and security guards are of a similar ilk. I felt like Mark in that episode of peep show when he was talking to the security guards.

I had a variety of interesting conversations. There was this big black guy in his 50s named 'Mac' (like the character from predator)  who told me that he was working this job as easy money, and that he's saving up for his step-daughter's vital spine operation. When I heard that I saw a depth to this man that went beyond the uniform he wore. I saw a good man and a loving man. There really is such dignity and profoundity in the common man. Another lady told me that she started working here after her kids were grown up enough to look after themselves after being a full time mum. I see that these people are far more than their jobs, but parents who care about their kids. I see their real lives through their conversations.

On the way home I used my tip money (50p would you believe) to put into my oyster card, which gave me exact change to pay for the ticket home. If I didn't have that tip I would have been buggered. I must make a note not to take fortune for granted. Tomorrow I get paid in, and hopefully frugality will favour the bold

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Longitudinal comparisons

I thought, that since I have a bit of free time after sending off application number three, that I'd look at the context of my activity to 2009. It looked like my job search plan wasn't very good, but I was getting interviews, and I was keeping busy. In short, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. If anything, there is a comparable stability to back then and now. I am however, a lot more busy and active now than I was then. I missed an interview around last year for a thinktank. I truly fucked up in that respect. Alas, its a lesson learned and a lesson held.

So, in a moment, I suppose that I'll prepare to go outside to counselling. I will have to think of things to talk about. I feel like I'm not hitting at the issue, or that I'm not quite sure what to talk about. How do I start a session? There's always an awkard silence at the beginining of the session. I feel a little anxious for a few reasons:

  • Weight
  • Social isolation/feeling down
  • Feeling behind my peers/underachieving
  • Money woes -e.g. I'm skint; I hope I have enough cash in my oyster card
  • Uncertainty that things will go to plan (such as who I report to tomorrow)
But there are positives

  • I've not gained weight even if I've not lost as much as last week
  • I have booked an interview in  2 weeks
  • I've applied to 2 jobs today
  • I've made a query to one job...
  • ...and prepared an application for another
  • I'm working almost a full day tomorrow: 8am - 15:30. If I leave at 7am in the morning, I shouldn't have too much traffic issues; and I'll be on time. In addition, I also will get home without *too* much traffic (that's the theory, anyway).
I wish I could say glorious and inspiring things, but to be honest that kind of talk is for people who have arleady got it sorted out and success is already half way there. For me, it's just a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, or do a poo poo in a room other than the bedroom. I'm starting to feel quite fatigued. That's not an especially good sign considering that I need to leave soon. I always liked a challenge...


Time is short, and so is life. So make the most of it.

I woke up around 9am today, and then I pushed away my mobile phone as the alarm clock went off. The first thought that I pondered to myself was this: I only have 6 hours between now and when I leave to go counselling. That is a limited window in which I must do all my scheduled tasks. The schedule is a barrier, a barrier that gives me something to do. A barrier that prevents me from thinking: thinking that the world is utterly futile and life is hopeless. I told myself this morning that I'll allow myself to think about that stuff only after I have finished my tasks for this morning.

The morning was slow, but I managed. I sent off an application; prepared another to completion; booked an interview; sent off an enquiry, and then of course, there is counselling later. That's 5 items in the list. I've not even searched for jobs today, and I'm completing another application right now. That could make for 7 items. 3-4 items is normally a good sign. 5-7 is normally a brilliant sign. Tomorrow starts work, I'll be doing about 7.5 hours. Compared to last week, this is a walk in the park. I just hope that I have enough change in my oyster card to survive . I'm pretty sure that I do.

After mentioning my day like this, I think it is positive. It also reminds me of the theory of spoons. I only have so many spoons in the day. I must make the most of it, I must not waste spoons on purposeless endavours as well, like alcohol, terrible television or boring people. I've set a lot for myself this week, but considering my track record its not as bad.

I suppose I ought to get on with my schedule. That application won't do itself.

I felt a bit low in the previous post, this post says that I'm fighting. I suppose that's all I can do. I can't wish that I had more spoons, but I should just scoop up the best oppurtunities and actions as possible. Applying for a job with the title 'Her Royal Magesty' in the organisation is probably something to smile at; even if I'm not a republican.

Elephant in the room

The outside is pretty dark today. Inside it is pretty gloomy too. For some reason, my dad is in the house all the time. My dad has said for the past few weeks it is because they have not installed the computer in his new office that enables him to do the work. He's seemingly working from home as well. I dont know really, it seems suspicious all the same. Maybe he's trying to get fired. My dad is going to be 60 soon so maybe he's aiming to retire.

Talking about my parents brings up uncomfortable realities. I never want to talk about my parents. I don't like them very much. I hate how people talk about teenaged rebellion, as if all teenagers seek to be rebellious in some way. Was I rebellious? No I was pretty boring, I think. However I do feel like there is something to rebel against, I just don't have any support so I don't bother.

In an episode of the simpsons, Lisa was called 'the answer to the question nobody asked'. I kind of feel like that. The cultural and intellectual interests I have do not really fit my reality. I live in an area of london that is very working class, a hubub of immigrant waves, it used to be the Irish, now it's Eastern Europeans. There's not too much culture in the area I'm in; although there is a respectable mention to the wonderful Diwali lights up on the high street, and the local MP is a well respected Asian MP and I think he might have been a junior minister of state at one point. The MP is a moment of pride for the community I must admit.

My parents are flawed. My mum has a poor grasp of the English langauge; My dad mumbles and doesn't admit he's wrong; and my dad has never talked to my sister in all my living memory. When I bring it up everyone treats ME like the bad guy. Growing up in that environment has given me the very negative disposition of letting elephants fill the room. I suppose that's why I let myself get so depressed, why I let things linger and why I so often don't make an effort to deal with my problems. I could blame my parents for that (well, I do a bit), but what I should really do is take responsibility of myself and my actions, my history and my future. To do that, I must take a stand and look forward. I must embrace the future and make it for myself. I've made so many mistakes in my life, and I seem to make many more. I must take a stand and decide: no more! I will decide to make it better for myself!

Today I have prepared an application, the instructions were a bit unclear and, paired with a bit of blogging procrastination (my other blog)I've finally managed to complete it. I'm basically skint until thursday so I'll desperately need to keep cheap for the next couple of days. I need to post the application so I'll wait until thursday or friday before I weigh it and sent it off in the post. I have more applications to complete today and I hope to get them done.

Maybe I'll talk about the coming week. Later today I have counselling, wednesday I'm working (yay!), thursday is intern day and on Friday Eve, I have an option to go to a BBC recording. I think it's Mozart on Friday. My weight situation is so-so. I don't think I'll meet my target this week. I need to keep more physically busy in order to achieve more. I'm feeling a little down today, I'm not quite sure why. I feel a lot of negativity from my parents at the moment. I don't understand why. There's a part of me that just wants to hide away and cry. There's a nother part of me that feels like I'm underachieving in life, when I see how successful my mates are and how shit my life is. Even though it's positive that I've started a new job; I still feel shit because it doesn't pay well and it's not really a graduate job.

I dont know what I want to do with my life in absence of academia. - That's my elephant.

Monday, November 8, 2010

my life last year


(mantra:) I am in control, I am in control, I am in control *deep breath*

Good morning.

Back from the job centre; I've told the advisor that I've started the job. The advisor is very sympathetic and she said that I should just wait until I get my first paycheck and then we can move forward with ending my claim. The sooner I end the claim the better. I want to contribute to the economy, and i seem to do that by assisting with rich people's events at Shambly arena.


Perhaps the best time to face the day is when one has a clear head. Perhaps the best time is now, that is, the eternal present that one has this thought. Today I have lots to do. I should see this as a challenge, as a task. Lets surmount the tasks of today. Today and tomorrow are the main days this week to send off applications. Friday I'll probably be too tired to do anything (probably) so I must expect much of myself for today and tomorrow. Wednesday I'm working, thursday I'm interning. I must see this as a positive thing: that I have time to send off applications. I feel like I am diminishing as a person, that unemployment is eating me up inside. Having any job is better than no job. I must remember that. In that respect, I must remind myself that things are getting better in that minimal way. I'm not unemployed and I can tell people I have a job (and I'm an intern).

Okay, now, keep calm, and face the world. I have applications to do.

Wish me luck.

P.s. ugh, I wish I lost more weight tomorrow

Back to basics

Starting the job last week inflated my ego, and reminded me that I am a graduate from a good university, and I should at least apply for jobs I think that I can do and that pay a fair cop. I got upset because the reality does not meet that expectation. I suppose you could call that pretension of mine Hubris.

I feel low every time I wake up in the morning. I think about my ex and I feel upset. Then I think about Mia. Mia 'talks' to me in the morning, and when there is no hope, she speaks to me. I feel exceptionally lonely these days, and I am reliving memories in my head. I' reliving the time in 2008 when just before I submitted my dissertation, I failed an essay and I had to resubmit it immediately. I was so upset, so disappointed in myself, and so vulnerable. That was not the best time of my life, and I'm paying every day since then with my failures.

Lets talk about today, perhaps. I'm off to the Job Centre in a moment. I woke up, had a poop, weight myself, and now will get ready and head on out. I hope that I've enough change in my oyster card to get two buses and then travel to and from work on wednesday. After that point I will have virtually run out of money, until thursday's intern day. I'm really cutting it close in terms of expenses, but life has expenses, travelling, counselling and so forth.

I have this feeling that I need to raise the real issue with thecounsellor. I dont know what it is. I feel like such a disappointment, I wish that I were in a better place right now. I suppose the only thing to do is my schedule. That thought is suffocating. I just hope I lose weight. I gained a lb or two this weekend, but in all fairness, it's not a *huge* amount in lieu of my progress. Okay. I'm off now. I really should focus on the basics of life when I feell ike this: getting out of bed, staying upright, not masturbating all day...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

If its better, why do I feel worse? (a review of the week)

Good evening.

After yesterday's day of tiredness, I spent today keeping active. I met up with my good friends, and we had a good laugh, and a bit of chinese food from a cash and carry restaurant. Those won-tons were to die for I tell you. On the way to their place, I bumped into an old friend. Well, I say friend. It was a guy I knew from secondary school. I need to be honest with you. I bullied him.

I know he doesn't like me, and its one of those things where I just have to accept it. I'll accept it and then pretend it isn't true, and then smile and be nice to him. If I'm honest, what I really was afraid of was him judging me. My life isn't so great these days, I'm a graduate and I was fairly respected among that group of friends. My life has been underwhelming, and my vulnerable, and lowly place in life is a good resource for insulting me, or putting me down.

Despite the fact that I could afford some chinese food today, and the takeaway yesterday, I'm a bit skint. Money is tight for me these days. Because of the £25 a week habit of counselling, I have some issues with making ends meet, and after coming home from visiting my mates, I put together all my 5 pence coins and went to the local corner shop to put some money into my oyster card. I think that now I have enough to sort out my travel needs at least until thursday morning. I'll be paid in with JSA from thursday. Tomorrow is my sign in day, and I'll need the money as I'm basically at £0 right now.

I feel financially behind, but I have also led my thoughts to other kinds of falling behind. I miss my ex, I miss the life I used to have with her. I miss having sex, I miss having a girl who loved me. I want to get a social life again. I want money, I want control.

Lets be objective. I've lost some weight this week. I've also walked quite a bit, stood up a bit, and kept active. I've started a new job and I'm on the brink of making money. I have a niggling feeling that something will go wrong. For instance, I'm worried that they can't read my handwriting on the sign in sheet from friday and they won't acknowledge my hours and pay me... I bloody hope that they do pay me!

I think that the first pay will come in 10 days. I need to think ahead of my expenses. For instance, Oyster card expenses, counselling, snacking and unexpected purchases (such as a new shirt, broken x, y, z). I need to be able to afford the minimal stuff. From then, I'll then be able save up for leisure money, and then save up even more for big purchases.

I'll need to work hard for my money. I'm entering a new phase in my life. I'm finally working a real job and not a pissant tutoring gig or freelance writing task. Entering this new phase has also led to a different mindset. I'm also reminded of things. I'm reminded of memories of Antonia. Particularly:

  • Antonia's manipulation
  • Antonia's support of me when I was really down, like when I got my first PhD rejection
I seem to remember these times, and in doing so; re-live these memories.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll see if I can survive my schedule. I'll see if I can get enough done. Tuesday I have counselling, Wednesday I work, thursday I am interning. My week is 'busy' in some respects. I'm also a bit anxious that I won't get the stuff done. Here's to hope. I feel horrid, I feel despair. I suppose the only thing to do is simply keep swimming. I should remind myself that I've done good this week. But I have an niggling feeling that I haven't done good. I feel like a failure. I feel a little more depressed than usual.

In other news, that girl who used to live in norway that I used to chat to, is now migrated to the UK, in London. I hope she enjoys her new life. I think it would be really good for her. She'll probably forget about me when she sees all the real and cool people in London. Well, I'm sure she'll be happy. I just wish that I got my big break...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Baptism of Fire

Good evening.

The first day of work was scary for the first 5 hours, okay for the next 5. Then anxiety ridden/tiring when it ended. I realised the one important thing of working: i need to sign in and sign out before and after I leave. I pencilled in my name ending the day. I hope its recognised as work so that they pay me. That would fuck me over if its not recognised.

So, what's my first impression. The first impression when I did things wrong in the first shift was that I hated it, and I kept worrying that things got wrong. As the evening went on, it wasn't as bad. I kept asking myself throughout the day: is this worth 70 or so pounds? I felt emotionally and physically drained at the end of it. I suppose I could be philosophical and say that I faced a challenge that day, and I faced a lot in my anxieties and social skills. I survived.

The journey to work was horrid. There was one station stop to the destination where the tube was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PACKED. There was this horrid smelling woman by the end of it and i breathed with my mouth. I swear, I fucking swear; in the tube I really am testing my emotional limits. The journey home was much worse. Because the way home was through a large fireworks display location, it took nearly 3 hours to get home. THe tube was frozen and virtually impossible to board. I decided to take the bus. I think I regret that decision now. The bus on the road was frozen for nearly 2 hours. At first I thought to myself: maybe I'll treat myself when the day ends. By the time that the day ended; there was no maybe about it.

As I got home I felt a whole mix of feelings. In a sense that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I wanted to sleep, and eat, and maybe wank.

I'm a working man now. Next shift: thursday, it will be a long one. Today I've not done much except sleep and wank. I'm slowly recovering today. I've possibly ate too much. Im sorry that I'm not as articulate right now. My thoughts and feelings feel stunted. 

Friday, November 5, 2010

The first day to better things

Good morning.

I am going to consider today, despite only starting my day, as a good one. In 35 or so minutes, I'm going to leave the house and start my new paid sort-of job. After so many months (and over 2 years), I've finally gotten a placement that isn't work experience and actually pays. Granted it's not the best job in the world, but I'm not complaining and I suppose it could be worse.

Lets talk about other positives, the girl I was talking to for the past week who lives in Norway is starting her new life in London. It's a big transition to move to another country, she's starting a new job in a new country; its effectively a new life for her. She's cute. Will I meet up with her someday? would it be a date? who knows. I feel a bit uncertain really, she's a nice girl and good friend material. I think that's enough.

I have also reached my weight target (well, lets say that I have, within 3oz, and lets say that accounts for the food i'm going to poop). That means I have reached the lowest weight I've achieved in months. I'll try not to celebrate by eating. However, I do need something heavy when I finish my shift. I'll probably finish work and get home by 8pm. Long day, but its paid work :)

Maybe I'll talk about yesterday. Yesterday was intern day, and I spent longer in the office than usual. I finished most of my tasks and spent longer in the office so that I could go directly to the church in Knightsbridge. Rachmaninov was stunning, the non-western harmonies were haunting. There is something spectacularly unique about the vespers compared to all the rest of the Rachmaninov chorus. There was something piano like however, about the low bass parts. The low bass is what I love about Rachmaninov's piano pieces. I was listening to some music that brought me to tears in the office yesterday. I love the power of music to change my mood. I am normally so reserved emotionally around people, that I forget how passionate I can be.

I hope one day I can make proper money, but for now; this pitiful job will have to do for now. Yesterday I think I refined a new look for a new me. My smart black parade shoes, suit trousers, my long jacket, white shirt and silk black tie, oh, with my new leather gloves. I feel awfully glam for a simple combination. Okay, I'm going to get ready for work, and I'll see you later.

I feel a little anxious, mainly worries that I'll fuck up in some way. It hasn't been this good in so long. What's next, a blowjob from a cute girl?

Okay maybe not yet. A thin body would be nice though.