Yesterday, not far from where I worked was a student-led protest about the increasing tuition fees. There was also a riot, as the Conservative party HQ was violated by very angry and aggressive protesters. My thought: I'm not surprised it happened sooner. While those students fight like they have nothing to lose, I was starting a job that pays lower than the London Living Wage, and I see it as the greatest thing that's happened in my life. Oppurtunities and social mobility are not the greatest of prospects these days. The social mobility that my parents and my older sister enjoyed is closed to me, the issue of whether I have more qualifications or if I'm 'smarter' and better able is a 'misnomer' in this light.
I once read that during when Ratzinger (the current Pope) was part of Hitler Youth and during WWII, he read about Patristic theology during the Antiquities as a means of coping, a means of sounding out all the shit of the present day. I'm not the best Catholic in the world but I do find solace in the fact that an academic could get so far in Christendom. I always liked that about the Catholic Church; elitism by menas of achievement rules.
I feel lost in this world. Last night I was debating to myself whether it was worth going to the office today. I feel quite low today. I should make a scale of how low I feel.If 10 is rock bottom (surely zero should be rock bottom). If Zero is Rock bottom, and 10 is not unhappy, I suppose I feel an 8. I save zero as a theoretical limit. Maybe I feel a 6. I'm hungry as well. Perhaps its the food that lowers my mood, namely the absence of.
Perhaps I should leave early for the internship, getting a sandwich or something before I start. I don't feel terribly alert today. My weight (with only shifting half of my fecal matter) is 224.8. Not the best weight in the world, but it is maintaining a lower weight. I do need to push myself more. Perhaps I might even start excercising this week! Ugh, that's not been on my mind for a few weeks now. I guess it's fair to say that I've kept busy with other things. I have started a new job after all.
The more I read about the news today, with budget cuts, austerity and the aspirations of many in my peer group crushed (yet I still see my peers succeeding where I do not). I begin to feel more isolated, lonely and hopeless. I remember the security guy Mac at work yesterday saying, as he knew from his injured stepdaughter's own experience: not having something to do during the day can destroy you, it can bring you right down. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon that once I've finished, no one really bothers about my success. Surviving seems to take a lot out of me. Doing anything more than that seems impossible. I feel immediately fake once I've said these words.
I'm going to the office early. Perhaps I'll get a sandwich on the way. If I'm on time.
I once read that during when Ratzinger (the current Pope) was part of Hitler Youth and during WWII, he read about Patristic theology during the Antiquities as a means of coping, a means of sounding out all the shit of the present day. I'm not the best Catholic in the world but I do find solace in the fact that an academic could get so far in Christendom. I always liked that about the Catholic Church; elitism by menas of achievement rules.
I feel lost in this world. Last night I was debating to myself whether it was worth going to the office today. I feel quite low today. I should make a scale of how low I feel.
Perhaps I should leave early for the internship, getting a sandwich or something before I start. I don't feel terribly alert today. My weight (with only shifting half of my fecal matter) is 224.8. Not the best weight in the world, but it is maintaining a lower weight. I do need to push myself more. Perhaps I might even start excercising this week! Ugh, that's not been on my mind for a few weeks now. I guess it's fair to say that I've kept busy with other things. I have started a new job after all.
The more I read about the news today, with budget cuts, austerity and the aspirations of many in my peer group crushed (yet I still see my peers succeeding where I do not). I begin to feel more isolated, lonely and hopeless. I remember the security guy Mac at work yesterday saying, as he knew from his injured stepdaughter's own experience: not having something to do during the day can destroy you, it can bring you right down. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon that once I've finished, no one really bothers about my success. Surviving seems to take a lot out of me. Doing anything more than that seems impossible. I feel immediately fake once I've said these words.
I'm going to the office early. Perhaps I'll get a sandwich on the way. If I'm on time.
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