Saturday, November 27, 2010

tidying desk drawers

When I started purging in 2007, I was under this impression that everything was going to change. At the moment I feel inclined to think that nothing changed and I'm harshly reminded of that.Going to university was supposed to be the oppurtunity to better myself and make things right. Doing a masters was supposed to mark my improvement after the depression years of 2005-7. In context, those two years seem incredibly short in the time since I finished my dissertation.

I guess that's when it all really changed. It changed for the worse.

Today I've made a task of re-organising my desk shelves. A lot of it is filled with my brother's tat. Some of the stuff look like payslips and such, others look like memories of a girlfriend past. My brother is pretty secretive, but he couldn't hide that he was on antidepressants in 2008. Probably he's still on them. Seeing his desk tat mixed with my dad kind of showed how similar we are in that we both have a dark side. It's uncomfortable to acknowledge my brother. I never was close to him, he used to shout at me when I was little and then he'd play around. I could never tell when he'd be nice or he'd be mean. So I just kept my distance. I guess that's how it is now.

I shouted at my parents again. My dad's flawed ways are so difficult to acknowledge, especially because he is so exasperating to cope with. He's coughing a lot. I fucking hate it, it's so loud and annoying and he won't lose weight. I guess mentioning my dad, and my brother in the same post, and how they are so much similar to me in the ways I have most about myself show how much I hate myself. I would like to be my own person. I hate that fucking phrase: 'my own person'. I thought that I could be unique, but all I have are memories surrounding me. Memories from the 'phase I' depression (2004-2007), the 'phase II' mia period (sep 07- 09? present?), and things to remind me of the time since I've moved back home.

I feel like I've not moved on much in my life. I feel a bit down at the moment, I don't know whether to purge, fall asleep or carry on working this task. I'm terribly behind in my schedule. I didn't expect to feel such a strong reaction from all the memories that each of these items represents. I found my ex's business card, old manuals for past MP3 players (I've written in the past about the personalised way I look at MP3 players), and recent relics from the past. All of them represent 'loose ends' that I've never managed to deal with. I often was the kind of person who refused to deal with 'loose end'-issues, things that were unresolved and ongoing. I think perhaps life is more about loose ends than they are about definitive resolvements.

I thought Mia was going to make everything resolved so I can move to another stage of my life. Perhaps that was naive.

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