Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The unreliable narrator

Yesterday was a great day, by any objective standard. I applied to a job, sorted out the job situation, went to counselling, had an interview and I even went to a community group meeting. It was long, it felt like it was not yesterday but another week perhaps.

However, I purged today. My resistance is low, since when I purged on monday. I purged twice. I purged the second time so intensely that I suffocated for period of time, and my vomit was so intensly thrusted out of my mouth that food particles spattered on the wall, and the toilet water splashed on my face. How do I feel about it? I dunno. I just hope it leads to 'results'. I binged earlier, so I purged. Both times I purged my parents weren't in the house. I rarely get time alone in the house these days. I probably won't have an oppurtunity like that for a while.

I realised today that time is a luxury I don't have for the week. Tomorrow is intern day, and I want to also go to Knightsbridge to see Rachmaninov tomorrow. I'll probably get home late, so as soon as I get back I need to prepare for an early start tomorrow, and begin my first day of work. It's going to be at the deep end, as I'll be doing a 10 or so hour shift, and I'll need to get to the place of work quite early.

I hope I lost weight between yesterday and tomorrow. Losing weight seems to be the only tangible form of success in my life. Everything that I am, that I was, seems to decay, like light, sending a message of a star once lived. I'm not quite sure why I purged today. When I purged the first time today I fell asleep in a moment of fatigue. I lay in bed absolutely exhausted, laying in the bed was giving my body and my mind what I needed. I just wanted to hide, in that state of sleep I inhabited my mind-world.

I remember when I used to be so depressed that only my dreams were pleasant; the horrid disaster of dreams,  however, is the realisation that they are not reality, and they, unlike reality, don't continue their narrative. I've searched a shitload of leads these past two days, I can't fault myself there. I've sent two applications today, and besides that I've not done too much. I guess you could also say that I listened to a few podcasts, and I had a shower (which I rarely do these days - not a good sign).

I feel kind of numb right now. Ambivalent, almost unfeeling. Perhaps empty.

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