Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday review

I know its not 7pm, but it feels like it. It's a 4:30-ish and I have done about a week's worth of job searching. The past few days since Thursday have been slow. I've had work, interviews, a rest day and then today. Today has been the catchup period of all the overflow tasks that I set for the week. I have also cleared up a *few* tasks for the coming few days. I think my job search record is okay, but my job applications this week is simply unacceptable, earlier in the month I sent 12 applications in a 1 week period, this week it's 2. In all fairness I've been busy, but even still, two applications is not good. I won't get interviews if I apply to so few jobs.

So now I'm going to prepare for the coming day. Tomorrow, lest I forget, I've an interview with an important institution. I'm going to dress up, maybe cufflinks, maybe not. I'll then do the computer-based assessment, wait for them to reject me, go home and then do more job searches. I suppose the travel to the financial district will give me about 60 mins to read up on Karl Popper's logic of science. After reading and walking, I'll then settle home and do more applications. I have a job centre interview later, which scares me a little.

After the JCP madness, I'm going to go back home and sort out my life schedule; fit in one more application perhaps. Then I'll get ready to meet up with my school friend that I bumped into on saturday for a pube quiz. Then tomorrow the cycle begins of more applications, then counselling. I feel uncomfortable that I've revealed so much during sessions, perhaps cancelling all of my december appointments was an act of fear rather than prudence. Letting that counsellor in is like giving a part of myself away, making myself vulnerable.

Caring about something also makes you vulnerable, when I showed how much I was a caring and dedicated person in the interview on Thursday, I opened up to them which then led to a rejection which felt like that opening up was thrown at my face. Caring about something and then failing means you fall on your face proverbially. All I seem to do is fall on my proverbial face. I could pretend to be a tough guy, but even they show their vulnerabilities by such purposefully constructed toughness and ambivalence. I felt emotionally drained between friday and saturday. Maybe I'm recovering today, only to fall on my face again, I'd presume.

I just hope that I get paid soon, so I can quit my JSA claim. With the 'wage' I'm getting from Shambly Arena, I don't think I'll be close to that laptop any time soon, but it is a greater degree of financial independence than the Job Centre, and less degrading sitting at their queue where I see the worst and most desperate of society and I am reminded: I am just like them sitting here.

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