Sunday, November 7, 2010

If its better, why do I feel worse? (a review of the week)

Good evening.

After yesterday's day of tiredness, I spent today keeping active. I met up with my good friends, and we had a good laugh, and a bit of chinese food from a cash and carry restaurant. Those won-tons were to die for I tell you. On the way to their place, I bumped into an old friend. Well, I say friend. It was a guy I knew from secondary school. I need to be honest with you. I bullied him.

I know he doesn't like me, and its one of those things where I just have to accept it. I'll accept it and then pretend it isn't true, and then smile and be nice to him. If I'm honest, what I really was afraid of was him judging me. My life isn't so great these days, I'm a graduate and I was fairly respected among that group of friends. My life has been underwhelming, and my vulnerable, and lowly place in life is a good resource for insulting me, or putting me down.

Despite the fact that I could afford some chinese food today, and the takeaway yesterday, I'm a bit skint. Money is tight for me these days. Because of the £25 a week habit of counselling, I have some issues with making ends meet, and after coming home from visiting my mates, I put together all my 5 pence coins and went to the local corner shop to put some money into my oyster card. I think that now I have enough to sort out my travel needs at least until thursday morning. I'll be paid in with JSA from thursday. Tomorrow is my sign in day, and I'll need the money as I'm basically at £0 right now.

I feel financially behind, but I have also led my thoughts to other kinds of falling behind. I miss my ex, I miss the life I used to have with her. I miss having sex, I miss having a girl who loved me. I want to get a social life again. I want money, I want control.

Lets be objective. I've lost some weight this week. I've also walked quite a bit, stood up a bit, and kept active. I've started a new job and I'm on the brink of making money. I have a niggling feeling that something will go wrong. For instance, I'm worried that they can't read my handwriting on the sign in sheet from friday and they won't acknowledge my hours and pay me... I bloody hope that they do pay me!

I think that the first pay will come in 10 days. I need to think ahead of my expenses. For instance, Oyster card expenses, counselling, snacking and unexpected purchases (such as a new shirt, broken x, y, z). I need to be able to afford the minimal stuff. From then, I'll then be able save up for leisure money, and then save up even more for big purchases.

I'll need to work hard for my money. I'm entering a new phase in my life. I'm finally working a real job and not a pissant tutoring gig or freelance writing task. Entering this new phase has also led to a different mindset. I'm also reminded of things. I'm reminded of memories of Antonia. Particularly:

  • Antonia's manipulation
  • Antonia's support of me when I was really down, like when I got my first PhD rejection
I seem to remember these times, and in doing so; re-live these memories.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll see if I can survive my schedule. I'll see if I can get enough done. Tuesday I have counselling, Wednesday I work, thursday I am interning. My week is 'busy' in some respects. I'm also a bit anxious that I won't get the stuff done. Here's to hope. I feel horrid, I feel despair. I suppose the only thing to do is simply keep swimming. I should remind myself that I've done good this week. But I have an niggling feeling that I haven't done good. I feel like a failure. I feel a little more depressed than usual.

In other news, that girl who used to live in norway that I used to chat to, is now migrated to the UK, in London. I hope she enjoys her new life. I think it would be really good for her. She'll probably forget about me when she sees all the real and cool people in London. Well, I'm sure she'll be happy. I just wish that I got my big break...

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