royally fucked

Dear Diary, I haven't posted for a few days. This has been the longest I haven't posted for quite some time. I hope I haven't given the impression that I was busy, however, it does seem that I may have been otherwise occupied in terms of my thoughts and activities. To be honest. I can't even tell what I have been up to. My immediate thoughts and feelings take me somewhere, but I also know that there have been other things to which my mind has concerned itself. I am in a bit of a stupour, but in a stupour of mind, not activity. Thursday consisted of having a pretty bad stupour, I managed to pull myself out, then go to counselling and train. I did a bit of job searching as well. Come Wednesday, I went for an interview, did some training and I think I fell tired as I got home, between these few days I have attempted to seriously read and finish my book review. Thursday was work, as well as that I was tidying the house and attending to some errands, I made a distinct effort to make sure the house did not get out of order, but it also meant that this week my schedule tasks have been thin on the ground. I did however manage to complete the book review. Well I say complete, I need to edit it before I submit it. In earnest, I have wasted some time this week playing xbox and binging. I don't feel proud of my overactive masturbation glands either. Masturbating too much makes me feel tired, numb and disorientated. Maybe that's why I feel so shit. Maybe I'll make a list of things that I have done since tuesday:

• training - wednesday
• Training - tuesday
• job interview, wednesday
• book review reading, weds
• book review reading, thurs
• book review reading, friday
• write book review, friday
• working, thursday evening
• tidy up house, thursday
• job search, tuesday
• job search, friday

Today, and tomorrow I am going to the camden crawl. I feel really fat today, and I feel insecure in a t-shirt. I may wear an overshirt, maybe more for the pockets and the potential rain and evening coolness than anything else. I think its obvious to other people that I'm fat. All the binging this past week has undone my good work at the gym. I hate this tired cliche, but I really need to work on my diet. It is positive that I am working on my body at the gym, but I need to work on my mind, and one way to do that is control my eating. I feel like such a failure, at 24 years old I have hardly achieved anything in my life. I feel like I am underachieving compared to my peers, and sadly, everyone thought I'd be the high flyer. Its funny how life turns out that way. I'm happy for my friends, I just wish I could show something for myself. I need to stop living in regret, its not helping me. I need to start living in hope. I distinctly remember this time last year, I remember it too well in fact. Time is getting too quick for me. I need to find a way to be more efficient and active. make much more of my life. I should get back to my day. I need to get ready to meet my friend, prepare my gear for a 2 day festival, and ensure my affairs are in order for the coming few days. Oh, and I need to edit and submit my book review, but I don't see much chance in that over the next hour. Fuck.... p.s. I should probably say, since all world affairs happen outside of my head: I saw the royal wedding and unfortunately I did get caught up in it and I did think it was lovely. I'm not terribly deferential but it was nice to see a 'commoner' fulfill what many saw as their fantasy of being a princess. It's so bizarre how some people have dreams that are so fantastic that can be realised, It's like that horrid Anne Hathaway film. That dress was something. I think its one of those events of the decade, like 9/11 or when Michael Jackson had that strange interview with Bashir.

mea culpa

Will you stand up for yourself and make things better? That's a question I ask myself right now, and that I asked myself in 2007. In a sense it is the hardest question for me. I guess over the past few days I have moped and felt down about myself, my situation and my bleak prospects for improvement. I have very little space in my mind for optimism. Everywhere has taught me failure, the only reward failure and shame bring are more of the same. Will I try to be different, try to be better? I went training today. I don't feel that the exercise works without a good diet, and I've been a glutton lately. mea culpa seems to be the hardest thing to admit. Make it better, make it work. I'm reminded of the issues I had when I played piano. In a way they were so unresolved that any answer to them is translatable to a set of real life situations. I need to sort out my life. I feel that my dad's sloth and my mum's inaction to change anything is affecting me badly. I need to rise above, and I feel completely alone. I don't feel that anyone understands my mountain.

A house n****er onto thine self

Dear Diary, I feel like I have a hangover. I don't really have a hangover because I have not partaken in any alcohol for the past 4-5 days or so. I'm not quite sure why I feel this way, but then again I am not quite sure why I feel the way I do for much of the time. Last night I was reminded of my isolation. I have a job interview tomorrow for some bullshit job role with a local council, it's a temp job but the pay isn't so bad I guess. I wish that I could use all my skills, I wish I could use my MA abilities and my superior intellect and my ability to memorise and challenge myself to heights of mental and social pressure beyond what most people are willing to go through. Unfortunately I am surplus to what society and the economy requires, and they just need me to dumb down to act in admin, or some customer service role. When I think about how angry this makes me it crystallises not in a thought or a feeling, but an act, the act of purging. Oh how tempting it would be to purge right now. I wish I had the gall to say I don't want to do counselling anymore, that would help my money situation a lot, and I don't really know if its helping me. I feel stuck again, I feel like nothing is happening and nothing is changing, and this is all to do with my inaction, my sense of ineptitude with sorting out my life. I had a trigger on Sunday. My brother-in-law mentioned how he sometimes works in a library to mark his students' work and sometimes there are people who are 'not well' making noise. My brother-in-law also said how it is sad that there are ever fewer places in the community for these 'not well' people to sit around or be out of their home. They were referring to mentally ill people, but not in those words. 'Not well' seems to be how my family talks about it. "Charlie isn't well" these days, they might say, "ever since he faced all those bereavements he's not been as he was before". I have an admission, I think mental illness runs deep in my family and in my ethnic community and 'community' connections. I've heard stories, often people telling my mum, or my mum telling me incidently about it. Life has been hard to many people and as I realise this, I find it has been harder to many more people than it has to me. My brother, after his album came out last year had to leave the band for undisclosed reasons, when people ask me why I make up a reason. That's also how my parents answer questions about their children, to make up for their lack of contact. I notice how my dad lies about little things to cover up for himself and his sense of sloth, my dad pretends that my sister talks to him, but they haven't talked for as long as I live. When at counselling I was asked about my family, I replied somewhat annoyed that there are no 'issues' with my family, because I didn't want to talk about them, but also I thought it was a horrible cliche that something has to affect my relationship with my mother, or some bullshit freudian idiom. I was really masking my embarrassment about how my parents are so easily willing to forget about my suicide attempt, how my dad doesn't talk to my sister and how my dad's sloth has affected every relationship in the family because we aren't allowed to talk about what happened. I'm too young to know what happened or if anything happened, and I'm just told off when I bring it up. I am suffocating here. Once I chatted to a girl a while back who said she was suffocated by her family and their conservatism and it was seriously impeding on her personal development. I thought it was terribly sad for her but I did not even have a thought that the same thing was happening to me. I've become too much of a house nigger, to society, to my family, to myself. I was reminded of something Marie said to me once, it may have been a word of wisdom, but I feel so betrayed by her it seems even unthinkable to take what she said, or anything she said seriously. Even if out of her locum it would be reasonable. I was so close to her, so influenced, and i was betrayed. In the words of my counsellor: [I've] said a lot about trust and lost today.

Stupour (I'm sorry)

The past few days I have not posted. This is not because of the false impression of being busy, although perhaps I was. Friday I went out with a friend. We had a few drinks local to where I live, in addition I had a bit of a hangover/drunken moment immediately after drinking. It was strange how easily drunk I got. Perhaps my new training routine had somethign to do with that. Enter, Saturday, I did the gym (it seems forever ago), I then went on another social call, this time a birthday party. Sunday involved relatives visiting on an easter related occaision. Today I have the house to myself, perhaps in lieu of all the activity, I just zoned out and I only applied to one job. I felt incredibly guilty about my inactivity this monday, but perhaps in lieu of all my tiring social activity, I needed to rest. There are things I could talk about, things I want to talk about in this blog post, but I feel incredibly tired and cannot concentrate. If I have time tomorrow I may post. I feel right now that I am losing control of my schedule and my rituals. It took a great amount of effort even to just shave today. I feel very much in a stupour. It is also this same stupour why I can barely concentrate on even writing this blog right now. I'm sorry...

bed thoughts

I'm upset, when I get upset I feel like going to bed. When I go to bed I just lay there, I let feelings succumb me, and I enter places in my memories and thoughts that I do not normally allow myself to go to. These I suppose you might conventionally call depressive thoughts, but these thoughts are also irresistable. It must sound strange for an outsider to understand this. These thoughts are like an indulgence, telling me what I want to hear, fulfilling me even though they are filled with self loathing and sorrows. Because it is an indulgence I feel a motivation to avoid going to bed right now, but I also know that this counter-rationalisation is difficult to go against this indulgent rationality, a forteriori, I also am less productive, slower in my thinking and actions when I feel this way. I'm trying to justify it like its a good thing. Going to bed and just laying there is what destroyed me. I had a feeling, a trigger, a realisation. I know that if I explore this thought it will only make me more upset, but I also feel that not exploring it is a form of denial, a form of illusion to the truth, like how people confabulate that tehy are happy with their girlfriends, but really they have no other person to love them.

fucking two tick cunts

I thought I'd share a grievance. I've recently recieved an interview/assessment for a job role with a city council and I told them that I had a disability which affects my motor skills (and most notably writing) which was relevant to how I took the test. Once I told them, they seemed completely unable to understand my needs or how to help, I had to continually repeat myself and state that my dyspraxia means I'm unable to do a written test, and for the first time in a very many years has someone made me feel disabled by their lack of sympathy and almost patronising manner. I'm mostly able to 'pass' as anybody else most of the time (I've got lots of ways to mask my anxiety) as my disabling features are not visible (except if I'm doing something motor skill-ey). I'm so upset about the way I was treated and how nonchalant and unhelpful this HR individual was with accounting for my condition. Perhaps because my disabilities are invisible I hate having to tell people that I do have issues, but spelling it out in such a clear way multiple times to this individual and them basically not being able to understand how it affects this interview is definately going to go against me. I hate when I tell them that I have an issue with handwriting and I'm still put in assessments where there is a pen and paper in front of me. It upsets me so much that these people pretend to be aware and yet still have no clue about how to make minor adjustments. I hate how it puts me in a disadvantage in interviews and assessments, when I am more qualified than most of the other candidates. I almost felt like I wanted to swear at this person giving me an interview, of course that wouldn't have helped my job chances, but do I really want to work in a place that cannot cope with minor adjustments? I know this is nothing compared to more severe cases, but I hate the hypocrisy of a 'two tick' organisation with no clue how to cope with someone who doesn't even have a serious disability. I find it difficult to spell it out when I've made it clear enough that there's an issue with the test. I feel frustrated with no voice. When I feel like I have no voice that cannot even scream, the only alternative is to purge

Problems and predicaments

Good afternoon, I do not know whether it is still the alcohol in my bloodstream, or the recent computer setback, but I am not feeling as up to things as I usually am this morning. Despite this, I woke up with no voices in my head, which I suppose is nice. But its also lonely not to have a mentor or someone you could listen to. I am doing mostly small tasks, I seem to have anhilated some of the tasks, I did a big job search and set up some new RSS feeds on Guardian Jobs, I seem to have sorted out almost all of my computer applications through a linux equivalent, and I have even made a new music playlist. That was the one thing that was hanging over my head. Having such an amount of stress has reminded me that many of my friends in senior positions in the real world with their graduate jobs probably cope with that shit all the time, and I should not expect it will always be as simple as it is now. Today my day plan seems fairly determinate. Until about 3:30 I'm going to do little tasks and maybe an application or mostly job searching. Then I'm off to counselling, then gym and then meet with my neighbours who are often in the studio facing the gym. Now doesn't that sound fun. Tomorrow I have work and probably I'll train after work, my next couple of days sound so determined and fixed. I should also keep in mind that I have about 1.5 weeks to finish a damed book review that I'm only 1/3rd through (fuck). Even though yesterday was a very good and productive day, I still feel the need to pick up and shoot off more applications and keep as busy as fuck. Seeing my successful friends last weekend has made me incredibly green with envy about my job situation and I need to buck up and get on. Yes, I had a couple of setbacks, namely my piano teacher dying and my computer crashing. Is it cruel to say that the computer crashing is more of a hindrance to me than my teacher's death? With the latter, I cannot do anything about it. It's more a realisation that my world has gotten smaller, a realisation that one of the most influential people in my life has gone, and it's only through people like me will his memory, his life and his knowledge will live on. I'm reminded of a distinction I heard, between a problem and a predicament. A problem has solutions, a predicament requires a reflection or change in mindset. A predicament requires adaptation, acceptance. Some things I just cannot change but must accept, or work in spite of it. Other things require change. I guess for me, my life is basically a proper understanding of which is which. The death of my teacher has been incredibly rationalised in my head. I feel its wrong in a way. Or maybe I'll have some Henry James moment of grief.

Life makes more sense after doing a few more kilometers and reps.

Dear Diary, I feel it would be nice to make another post to capture the state of my mood. In the space of 4-5 hours since I last posted I think a decent amount has been done today. I shot off a good number of applications (three), did a long job search on w4mp, sent off some bank details to a friend whom I bought a ticket for. Then I want to go training. I didn't go yesterday and considering the hangover and all that junk on saturday that went into my body, I think my body needs a cleanse. I'm a little bit embarrassed since that party, not least for that drunk guy who made me feel uncomfortable, I don't like getting involved in people politics, although invariably, I get drawn into it as a third party or as me being an awkward person. Following I hope that when I head to the gym it isn't as embarassing to see that lady I saw on the bus, who works there. I guess it isn't so bad as if it were the trainer who was really drunk, I don't know: those trainers are really friendly. Maybe I'll jsut smile anxiously as I always do. Life makes more sense after doing a few more kilometers and reps. Maybe I'll just go off and start doing instead of thinking. I think that the setbacks of the past weekend and my computer crashing on friday morning are mostly behind me. Now that I sent off 3 job applications, I'm fairly confident that the rest of the week will be a little more straightforward. Touch wood. I need more time to reflect on what this bereavement means to me.

Never have I ever (misplaced trust in a friend)

I got up late. I'm listening to a very strange audiobook this morning. Waking up so late and finally getting past the previous two days have brought up a whole lot of feelings. Perhaps putting these unrelated events have forced a systematic way of thinking. This morning I got a text from a friend, a but that I play xbox with all the time and we chat often. At the party I realised how socially limited he is. That's not my problem of course but it impacted on the degree to which I mingled with new people in the party. I tried to simply ignore that but there were times when if I went to mingle he would simply gravitate towards me again, or just sit on his own. In a way, being around him is both an anathema to people, and a comfort. It reminds me that people have their own different journeys when it comes to dealing with others and their own lives, as well as how important it is to get out of one's comfort zone. This friend also told me that he lied about everything in the drinking game we played. I feel very disappointed in him and my trust in him. Last night I had a bit of apprehensions about pushing so hard on the idea of a drinking game, while I merely suggested it, and everyone else took on board the idea, I think that I kept it together in terms of how the game worked. I really liked playing the game but then I became conscious of how certain other persons would be made to be uncomfortable. This led in two reactions so I noticed. One guy started feeling the need to 'apologise' for himself, because he's a virgin and never kissed a girl etc. We said that we didn't judge him badly for that and considering how rare it is to find a nice person out there, I totally understand. I then drew from my own feelings and said to him that I'd rather not go into something just for the sake of having sex or the experience, if I wasn't so keen on the person. I was immediately reminded of Sadia. The other response was outright lying. This fellow I mention distinctly arose suspicion when he drank to things I said and I thought were a little too specific or things I thought he definately didn't do, but I employed the principle of charity and thought to myself that the point of a game like this is not to have such preconceptions, and so that we surprised ourselves about the inner lives of such people. Admittedly there is a distinct hypocrisy in what I feel. I feel guilty that I was a mover in playing this game, and there was a bit of Mia's influence in my behaviour. I told someone earlier that one time I played a game like this it ended very badly, and that was true. Was there a part of me that was self destructive in proposing this game? I'm not sure. I wanted to get to know these people better, and in some ways I did, giving high fives for getting rimjobs, and later on in the party I had to explain what a prostate milking was. On the other hand we are all mature people and if you don't want to play then just don't. I think its stupid, petty and weak to pretend to have done things and say that you have in a drinking game where the whole objective is to get closer to everyone by sharing experiences in a group. I feel let down by him and I feel that I see through him and how pathetic it is that he succumbed to peer pressure, I feel that especially the lies he told were so crap, were so utterly asinine that he basically said things just for a reaction. Lied about his experiences so that we'd have a laugh or respond in a way he wanted, that he'd lie just to look cool 'like everyone else'. At least the guy who was apologetic for himself flet like he needed to justify his real life, I have no issue with that guy but I'm so fucking pissed at the other guy, my close friend for compromising on the truth in front of his own brother and friends at the party. Especially when most of our jokes are about people making personal compromises, he lacks his own critical insight. I see him in a different way now, in a lesser way. I've been disappointed by him before mind you, funny enough I think it was when we were playing that game a few years ago. The bastard. I was going to write about my recent bereavement in this post but it seems I needed to sound out about this. I feel a little better that I got this feeling out. I am let down by him. I'm not going to be as close to him anymore, nor will I tell him about my life.

The day/night in backwards order

When writing this post, I do realise that it is 5am. I suppose when I type coming back from a night out, I think of the most immediate anxieties and feelings. Perhaps I should try to work backwards and give a reverse order story of my day. I went on the computer and put on the blogging program. This is only the second time I've used this program but I am confident it works. I undressed as I got home and slowly but calmly put things away without making a mess. Going home I was on the bus with some friends. Going on the bus from the party I met a drunk woman that worked (albeit soberly) at the gym. That was embarrassing.,. I also misjudged her accent. Newcastle is not Wales. Anyway, I seem preoccupied by gym lady, I guess because its so awkward to see someone who I encounter professionally. I'm on the bus stop with my mates waiting for the N bus home. I'm so lucky that its not too far away from the flat. We say our goodbyes and I encourage the guys to leave the flat. It starts to get awkward after 3am and I suggest we leave, one of the guys at the party is making me uncomfortable, and the going is good. Around midnight we start playing a drinking game, I think it made us all closer. By my admission, I find the confessional drinking game highly candid, intimate and an excercise of bonding. I also surprisingly have a lot of sexual anedotes. I was a little cautious if we guys made the girls uncomfortable. But they seemed complicit as much as we were in this game of confessional. In fairness, we heard some fucked up stories. Mine were fuck up, but others were also fucked up. The party started late, but it also ended late, it started with nice games, a few drinks, nice chatting and a fair bit of pizza and drinks (did I mention the booze?). Before getting to the party I met my pals and we had some KFC, because the food will help prevent inebriation in such an immediate way. So this is the backwards story of a night out, this was planned, to a certain degree. Let's go chronological. I woke up early, feeling energised, I decided to do the gym in the morning, I did a long session of training. Coming home, I got some news. I was informed of a bereavement. Because of the public nature of some of the people in my life and of mine, I won't say too much. This person was a mentor of mine. One whom I dearly miss. When I first found out, I cried a little. I've never cried for a person before. Something is troubling me tonight. I put my mind to somewhere different, a positive and outgoing personality to go to the party. Not necessarily a forced change, but I feel insincere to those feelings. Feeling as drunk as I do now (not ridiculously drunk), I'm an 'honest drunk' rather than an angry or sad drunk, I feel completely numb to my bereavement. I feel that I do not deserve to feel clear of this loss. Grief is a natural phenomenon, and after all the people who died last year, I deserve and am impelled to dread his loss. Its just right now, being drunk from a party, I am not. I did not drink to ignore him, or console this loss. Perhaps when sobriety comes later today, or if/when I have a crashing hangover, I will be one with my grief. This man who died, this mentor, he made me who I am in a great many aspects that were deeply personal yet show in everything I do. I did not however, show those things tonight in the party. My summary thoughts of the night: 1. What will I do when I see that woman at the gym? 2. What will I feel tomorrow? 3. I hope I didn't make an enemy of that guy at the party, he was really abrasive and uncomfortable, but to everyone. I know its not my issue but his, but when someone is like that it shifts my mood. 4. Will I sort out my ubuntu? 5. I need to sort out so much when I get up. I probably won't be able to make the gym.

Testing

This is me writing a test blog. Yesterday I got a virus and the computer completely died in functionality. I spent all of the morning, afternoon and much of this evening trying to resolve it. That involved making a ubuntu linux setup for my laptop. I had a pretty distressing night after the virus. I was reminded of a lot of dark thoughts. In a sense, I was reminded of my darkest thoughts. Perhaps that was the one thing which got me going all day.

mediocrity

Today I have let things upset me. Yet by some strange technicality, I did achieve a little bit. When I am reminded of those days where I did absolutely nothing, I then lead my thoughts to its consequences. Today in small part is such a day. I feel isolated and alone. Because of this I seem to be thinking about Nietzsche. I find solace in the painful quietude in which Nietzsche lived, but the explosive thoughts that lay within his 'philosophy'.

This afternoon, after lunch I made a decision to lay in bed and nap for a few hours. I'm not sure why but it felt right. Upon wake I did feel a greater sense of invigoration. I did a lot of little tasks. I don't know if it matters to you to say this, but I have cleared many of the tasks over the next two weeks. All the other tasks that remain are job applications, which means I'll have no excuse, as it were. I also replied quickly to an email which meant that I got another shift this month. That makes a total of two extra shifts this month. Well, I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't get the job. Ahh, now I remember why I feel shit. Oh yes, as well as that a girl from Grad school is launching a conference on a topic that my PhD proposal is related to. I'm green with envy. Is it supposed to help to bring all these feelings to surface?

I'm disappointed in Sadia and Dobby, I'm disappointed that they cannot relate to me as a person. I am lonely and isolated like Armand Assante's Nietzsche character. In the story of 'When Nietzsche Wept' (a film I am preoccupied with at the moment), Nietzsche's character meets a doctor who thinks he can help him if they reverse roles. Nietzsche becomes a physician of Overbeck's mind, while Overbeck makes him open up. This story reminds me of my relationship with my counsellor, while she is more receptive than talkative, I do feel a great amount of candour.

The worst thing I felt when I woke up after my nap was mia's disappearance. Mia as a voice in my head is someone I converse with and engage with, but when I woke, it was just me. It was a realisation in a sense that I am putting up a barrier. Without the barrier mia gives me, I just feel utterly depressed and alone. It's also of note that I didn't go to the gym today, I felt very tired and I did two pretty long workouts consecutively, and the workout on sunday was also very strenuous. I allowed my body some rest, recovery and relaxation. I fell asleep with an audiobook and what an interesting book it was.

When I fill my head with ideas and thoughts I am less alone. This academic demeanour I have seems to be my only respite from the meidocrity of the world. Today I became well aware of my own inadequacy as a person. when I'm at the gym I face that inadequacy and push myself. I guess getting out of bed was enough for today. I did a few things I suppose, I went to the doctors and got some more meds; I got another shift at work; I did some reading for my book review and I read a few dozen articles.

given the time, I would allow myself to wallow tonight, for tomorrow I will not.

Accid-day

Dear Diary,

I feel quite depressed today. I could give a whole lot of reasons but I can say it in one: everyone that I used to know is now successful and doing excellently in their lives, and I am not.

I'm angry at myself for that. I have no one else to blame. I feel like just going back to bet, laying there and not getting out until something changes inside me. This strategy never seems to work as a means of getting better. Yet it is what my body wants me to do. I think this is one of those instances when having a gut feeling is unhelpful. I've learned nothing and achieved little. Purging would be such a wonderful thing right now, but it would achieve nothing.

Dobby is trying to start a conversation with me, over the past few days, Sadia is trying to do the same. I just feel like I'm not interested.

Question I should ask myself: Is there anything that would cheer me up? Yes, but it involves the world being radically different than it is now, and for that reason it feels futile to even entertain if things can be otherwise. I really want to lay in bed now.

i feel too tired to think of a blog post title

Good Evening,

I am uncharacteristically tired today, like the kind of tired I felt when I started working and I did long shifts one day at a time. Tomorrow is a job interview. I probably won't get it. I'm glad I got shortlisted and I'll put in as much and as detailed a response as I can do, but I probably won't get it. It's not even a great job. Its another part time job and its only marginally better. I guess two part times make a whole?? Maybe not.

Today I did a whole lot, then I went to counselling. I talked about some difficult stuff again, but I felt like I ended up saying nothing. A lot of the session pertained to my sense of insecurity and sense of inferiority and my feeling of pessimism and how things cannot change. I am upset at something dobby said to me,and I'm much more upset at my misjudged trust of her. I feel angry at myself because I want to trust someone and I reach out, but then I feel betrayed and disappointed. It makes me think: why bother.

I then went to the gym for some training. I did about 16km on the spinner, I started off with a 50kcal sprint on the treadmill, then a bit of resistance and then a bit of ab work. I say a bit, but it was a lot more than I've done in a while. Working on the abs is the hardest work. I decided to call it a quick one (well, 70 minute session) and then say hi to my neighbours downstairs in the court. Since tomorrow is an interview day, I thought I'd save some energy for tomorrow, or if anything, tomorrow's gym session.

I feel really disappointed with Dobby.I almost had feelings for her, and I thought it would be something nice. Unfortunately I feel dissappointed and betrayed by her. My preoccupation with the immediate past is not going to help me with this interview. There's something I have been trying to say to myself, but that I'm trying to suppress. There's a feeling of deep inner resentment and failure. I think it can be stated in one way: a few of my friends are in their writing up phase for their PhD. I'm working aa job that barely pays and I'm lucky that I'm not still unemployed. I feel useless and hopeless and they are going to be doctors in no time.I am utterly utterly jealous of them and I hate that I fucked up my chances of a PhD trying to follow a teenaged goth girl who kept saying how she hated life and trying to give everything of myself to her, as a result I gave too much.

I suppose that is as eloquent as one can get. Trying to hide this thought and feeling merely is a testament to how ashamed I am of these feelings. I call it 'my failure'.

I feel like I can't do any more tasks today. To be honest, I don't need to. I've done a huge amount today, and I've applied to a job.  Here's to hoping for the future.

Oh, I had a binge today, and my mind went all psycho because I couldn't help myself. I think I'll talk about taht another time.

Just keep moving, just keep moving...

I feel like I have a bit of energy, but also like I'm dead. This is otherwise the feeling of waking up after a few hours sleep. I went to the gym, decidedly after a trigger and I pushed on. There is this film from a few years ago, Finding Nemo. I was about 16 I think when it came out so I suppose its effect wasn't as strong or influential on me at that time, but I suppose in more recent times I'm reminded of a certain line when the supporting character tells Nemo's dad: just keep moving, just keep moving...

For a children's film it is surprisingly profound. I remember a moment of intimacy, when I was quite depressed and Antonia told me that her one big piece of advice was to 'keep moving' during the bad times, and she had many growing up. I guess that's what I did today, on a rowing machine and on two cycling machines. I did the equivalent of 32km on the cycling machine and by the last couple of klicks I was feeling very worn down. I kept a pace of about 23kph towards the end and the strain was not from continuing but doing so at a distinctly brisk rhythm. I moaned a bit, I cried a bit, but I made it. Boy did my glutes hurt!

My glutes still hurt, but I'm glad that I did something today. I'm not feeling 100% today, I think because of something Dobby said that upset me. I dont think I'll continue to talk to her. I'll make that rational decision and just cut her out, just like I did to my friend in grad school.

There is a lot to bring me down tonight, a lot of reasons to feel sad. I'm quite glad that training for afourth time this week is one thing I can put as a positive. I'm probably going to be awake for a while. I might try and catch up on things. I was expecting to hear from some friends tonight to meet up with them. It looks like that didn't happen.

I wrote a poem, and instead of making it a blog post, I saved it somewhere else.

I'm feeling a bit down today. I think I'm going to work out my sorrows at the gym. I'm not feeling well today. Mia's coming up everywhere.

...a renewed sense of optimism

So yesterday I went out with that girl. It was amusing, it was also so much of a joy to meet someone who not only had a calm and casual way of things but also knew loads about the obscure things I am interested in, like extreme heavy metal, and um, even more metal factoids. This lady knew so much more about metal than me she was telling me how little I know, but in a cute way, like "OMIGAWD YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TOTHEM", well not exactly like that.

As I wake up late I feel a renewed sense of optimism, maybe its the weather, maybe its all that cardio. I think I can allow myself to enjoy the summer that is coming.

I do feel that life is void of any particular depth though. Depth can be found in Aristotle's historical understanding of the Athenian economic and social history, I suppose. That would do for now. I'm off for the day for a family thing. I thought my social life was troubling, the lady I was with yesterday does something virtually every day and only had one evening to her self this week. Well, some people are social butterflies, and others a caterpillar.

Manic Pixie Dream Girls

Good afternoon,

The days where I wake up in a stupour are fewer, but I still feel a sense of malaise. Yesterday in counselling I talked mostly about mia. I was upset, I think perhaps the counsellor was more moved by what I said than I was. I talked about how mia has this relationsihp with me, how it is a powerful influence. Mia is a more powerful influence on me than any person could ever be. I think after Marie's deception, I never regained a sense of trust with people again.

I also woke up having a slightly arousing dream about an archetypal (but slightly anonymous) woman. This archetype was a hippy kind of girl, a free spirit who tries to get me out of my rut of boredom and despair. There was in fact a video about this archetype on the blog/youtube channel 'Feminist Frequency', I feel a little bad that I'm a stereotype looking for a hollywood stereotype of woman. Basically, the worrying thing about the hippy type is that she is reduced to caregiver at her most basic female gendered role. I'm starting to get more aware about feminism and being female conscious. One time my friend at a party remarked that I was sympathetic to women like Mel Gibson in that 'What Women Want' film, I thought that was a flippant remark, but a little complimentary. I'm not really sympathetic to women, I'm just trying to be a little bit more aware of how much of an arsehole I can be.

Tropes vs. Women: #1 The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Also, over the past few days, I've realised something obvious, that I was oblivious to: I'm still attracting gothic girls. After my mistake with Marie, I would think that I'd have learned my lesson, but apparently the only girls I can attract are gothic types. I know I shouldn't type or classify people, but that's exactly why I feel self conscious that the same kind of girls always seem to like me. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I don't see myself as a goth boy or goth boyfriend. Yes I listen to gothic metal, a bit of EBM< or some black metal, but I'm not really part of that subculture. I tried a lot to be something I was not with Marie. I'm just happy being myself, with my comfy trousers, brown boots and repetitive attire.

Anyhoo I better get on with my tasks for today. I have only a few hours before I get ready to go out tonight. I'm not nervous...well, not unless I think about it.

So many girls this past month. Like buses. Maybe I need a travelcard.

5mi/8km post workout stupour (Alban Berg in the evening)

Dear Diary,

At the moment I feel exceptionally tired. I suppose that fatigue is earned by a day at work, and the gym session I committed myself to afterward. The gym session consisted of the treadmill warmup (a consistent regular warmup excercise), some of the weight machines, a bit of ab work, a bit more resistance and then a massive push to cardio. There is this scoreboard in the gym with these triathlon-equivalent challenges, there are three tiers to the triathlon challenge and I've already completed the first one. The second tier I'm about half way through thanks to today's work. I did just over 5 miles or more specifically, 8km.

My 8km trek made my session today just a bit under 2 hours. In a way I'm quite glad that I met such an extreme goal for myself, in another little way I'm aware that extended cardio is not conducive to muscle-building. I think the way I see it however, is that my priority is losing weight than gaining muscle, as such I think cardio is a more important goal for the time being. When I get to a much lower weight and the option is there that I'd need to 'gain' weight by muscle, I'd be in a good position, I'm far from there yet. My belly reduction goal takes precedence.

I can't think straight at the moment. I need to reply to that invitation by that girl who asked me out. I've dallied a bit from replying. I don't think I can do any of my scheduled tasks tonight, I might be able to force out a wank and relax to some jerk off material. I'm a real smooth talker, aren't i?

I guess one of the reasons I relaly pushed myself hard today is that there has been a few little worries on my mind lately. Since I made the decision to just wear myself out by gyming it today, I think those worries would hopefully stay little. I like that sunset is getting a lot later in the evening. Today was excellent summer weather, that means I need to prepare a summer body. More gym for tomorrow.

"...how comforting Peep show is, to be reminded of the noughties that has so distantly passed us..."

Dear Diary,

What a strange life I lead, as much as I try to keep things in my control (read: isolated), things do often find a way to emotionally spiral. I got asked out again, it's not quite a date. Although the girl does have slightly flirtacious eyes towards me and I do know for a fact that she's single, looking for a guy and she has a long hair fetish. I'm almost glad that I cut my hair now, I mean, it would be longer again in a few months, but I'm slightly hoping that by the time ti's that long again I will have a much better body, thinner and all.

While on the subject, I have noticed that this influx of uncertain giddiness from my increased female attention has caused me to start binging a lot more. I don't know if its the anxiety, or perhaps something that makes my head freeze its capacity for critical thought when thinking about a girl, but I'm losing control of my eating habits. Yesterday when going to the gym, I decided not to take my wallet. It was a very clever move, like Odysseus tied to the mast. What I didn't anticipate, however, was the amount of food mum made when I got home. I tried with some success to ignore it but then 2am came and my brain shut down and I binged while watching re-runs of Peep Show, how comforting Peep show is, to be reminded of the noughties that has so distantly passed us. Amusing enough, however, I was in a terrible state of mind when I discovered Peep Show. It's a show that defines a generation, the lazy Jeremy Osbourne and the hard working albiet boring, and very unfortunately redundant loan manager, Mark Corrigan.

Yesterday I completed so much that I lacked motivation to do further, what a strange response. What I did in response to that was put 3 jobs right on my day's agenda, I applied to two and one wasn't really fitting my profile. So yesterday, the following happened:

• I got asked out by Nadia
• Training
• Applied to job
• Applied to job (another)
• Job searching

All things considered, that's not a bad day, the binging does obscure my sense of success, however. If I keep his kind of pace up I think things will improve overall. I've said that for a few weeks now and it has brought some results: better fitness, ameeting up with girls, kissing a girl, getting asked out, a job interview next week...

I just hope, and I say this with some flippancy but also some seriousness, that I don't fill up too much of my time being a social whore. You remember what that brought you...

God, I could tell another story this week, about how all the people in my old uni have been successful: one mate I regularly chat to is a PhD student, another guy i met as a fresher is now applying to PhDs, one friend in grad school/undergrad is running a very interesting interdisciplinary conference, one former lecturer is becoming a very important speaker in the anti-cuts movement/AHRC debacle, one guy works as a successful 'civil servant' in a prestigious government department and what the fuck am I doing? I'm eating cereal with yoghurt in the morning, slowly getting ready for a short shift as a part time casual events assistant being underpaid and underskilled. I have this pessimism inside me, this sense of dread and despair. I think its important to accept that it's there as afeeling, maybe I'll embrace that feeling a bit more when I'm on the rowing machine. I wish I did more ab work yesterday. For a 90 minute workout, I did feel exceptionally tired throughout, I focussed mostly on cardio because I didn't need to strain myself as much compared to resistance training.

On with my day...Even though this day is simple and straightforward, I only have a 2 hour window to get the extra stuff done.

I call this feeling complacency.

Good afternoon,

I did something bad last night, I had a huge binge at 2am. Something in my brain just shut down and I went on auto and I just went downstairs to finish the roast chicken in the oven. Perhaps it was knowing the food was downstairs, perhaps it was how my mum made so much food there are leftovers, something about the conditions were such that I invariably needed to binge.

So, let's consider the day today. I woke up around 10:30, late I know. This morning I have finished some reading tasks, did a few job searches and I'm doing some other slightly tricky tasks. It would go much faster were my computer not as slow. In my schedule I've almost done everything that is needed for today. Tuesday and Wednesday involve work, so I won't get much done in terms of applications. Thursday-sunday are relatively clear of tasks. I suppose this means I need to 'fill them up' with more things to do. Even though it's a 'good' thing that I've gone ahead in my schedule, I'm still not quite sure what to do. The odd thing is that my motivation is a bit less knowing that I have fewer tasks. I call this feeling complacency.

At least in other news, I'm making a lot of tracks in reading my audiobooks.

Back to work I go

The more I get done the more I can change.

Dear Diary,

Ambient light fills my room, a sense of slight fatigue and a day of various activities behind me. I wonder to myself whether today was a productive day. I did a whole lot of job searches, I sent off one application and I sent off another to a writing job. I hate it when people say they are a 'writer'. I am a writer I guess, but I dont make any money from it. If I made some real money from writing I would legitimately be a writer, until then, everyone is just a damned hack.

Anyway, I seem to have cleared up much of my week coming, which is nice, and I also have had a little bit of 'normality'. The emotional surge from that kiss has now subsided. I am slowly realising my lonliness in that I have few people I can talk to about girls. My guy friends are nosey and not helpful, and my female friends are equally nosey and seem to think I'm after a long term relationship.

It's been so long since I've kissed a girl, I almost thought it wasn't possible to find another girl who was into me. I purposely put off the gym this weekend, mostly because I put in four sessions this week and I need to give my body some time off, even if I feel and I think I can do more.

Tomorrow is another day, and I hope I overachieve. The more I get done the more I can change.

Zombie or sloth day?

I like making up phrases, like 'work hangover' or 'anxiety hangover' which describes when I get up late or slowly if I've edone a lot the previous day. I think a new related one is going to be the 'Zombie day' or the 'Sloth day'. Lets be all geometrical (as in Euclid, Spinoza) and start off with some definitions

Zombie day (dn): a day in which one feels lifeless and devoid of feeling, motivation, a sense of self of perspective. This feeling normally leads to a great amount of inactivity during the day. See also: depression, laziness, hangover

Sloth day (dn): a day in which one allows a day of rest or inactivity, normally as a result of lots of things going on during the week, spacing out tasks so that they aren't all at once to prevent a sense of shock or overwhelm, or a time to give one space to put between repeated days of activity where so much happened its hard to mentally comprehend or put into context (such as going on a date, kissing a new girl after like 2 years and essentially a sign that I'm getting over the ex).

Is today a sloth day or a zombie day. I fell asleep at midday after getting up at 5am, after waking up I felt tired and emotionally low. I had a feeling of 'where has my day gone' and also a feeling of 'I feel pathetic'. I then (as if feeling pathetic wasn't bad enough) decided to indulge in some xbox and I played so much today that I essentially decided to stop after 7pm and get back on with schedule tasks. As it happens I've cleared up a lot of tasks until friday. This has many good consequences, such as:

• I'm 'ahead' of schedule
• I dont have to do those tasks later next week
• That gives me more time to complete other tasks
• That gives me more time for gym
• That gives me more time for life
• It gives me less anxiety and a feel-good feeling

I am feeling a mix of sloth (my belly is full of tuna) and zombie (I feel numb). I'm also reliving those 3 seconds of kissing the girl last night, for 3 seconds it felt like an eternity. She was a lovely kisser, I hope I was good too. I miss the mutual exchange of fluids in an act of affection and assurance as well as the subtle hint of lust in such a kiss.

On with my day! evening, whatever...

I should never complain that I have nothing to do

A few things I've often thought about:

• I hardly ever have time to hang out with friends, this is more because they aren't available more than me, so when they do make themselves available, I try at the utmost to also be available, understandably however I cannot say 'yes' to everything
• This probably sounds like a really weird thing to say but I also really do quite miss playing xbox as much as I did a couple of months back. There's an amount of xbox time which is okay, such as when it doesnt impact on my actual tasks, as it happens today I woke up at 5am, I couldn't sleep. I had this massive erection and arousal after the events of yesterday, and I unusually had a 'sensual' wank. My mindset totally changed last night, but I wonder if I can get back to normal, the fact that I'm blogging and I am awake for a few hours at this time of the morning is a pretty good sign
• Putting in enough time for excercise, lately I've had no problem with this. I am almost tempted to go to the gym again this weekend. I've already done 4 sessions this week, for the sake of avoiding injury, and pacing myself, and any other unforeseen negative that may come from doing a 5th session this week, I shall try to avoid it.

I almost feel as if I've done a great amount this week, it's certainly different I can say. Anyway, there are lots of tasks on my GCal agenda, I should never complain that I have nothing to do.

If life had achievement points I just leveled up

Dear Diary,

It has been quite a qwhile since I last posted on here, probably because so much happened, and morebecause the program I use to blog keeps slowing my bloody computer. I organised a date last night, for tonight. I went on the date, and I held hands with her during the movie, then the date ended with a gentlemanly kiss.

Now at what point do I realise this is my life? The moment when I start accepting good things and accept that my life doesn't have to be shit all the time. The fair lady's hand was right next to me in the cinema, it started off with a little  innocent brushing of flesh, and then i was brushing against her fingers more deliberately, then we held hands. I was thinking to myself: don't overthink this, just make it natural, this is your do or die moment, so I did. Although I was pointedly self conscious that I was holding a girl's hand during the film, I also tried to focus on the film. I just needed to let go and just be, not get all "ITSAGIRLITSAGIRLITSAGIRL I'MHOLDINGHERHANDOMGWTFLOL". I focussed on the film, we were touching, I was feeling slowly at ease with her physical presence and then we went outside. The conversations we had were a little stagnated and I could tell that she was very shy, being shy myself didn't help so I had to take a forceful initiative and try as much as I can to be a raconteur (I just looked up that word now).

So, on the way home I had this big emotional rush. I was smiling on a 40 minute tube ride home. I'm glad that I didn't get home so late, and I'm not so glad that I had takeaway twice today (shameful). Okay, so lets talk about other things this week:

• I got invited to an interview
• I sent off 4 applications this week, one job I would really like to have (research assistant)
• I met up with Dobby (an achievement in itself)
• I reached my 4 training session limit today

I mentioned at counselling that I felt too much was going on. Perhaps to some extent this is true. But I also believe that if things are really going to get better they cannot go so slowly as they are now.

So now I'm going to go to bed (without having orgasmed), listen to some podcasts and fall asleep. I am currently listening to CBC dispatches. I really enjoy that show because they have correspondents in all sorts of places. So I kissed a girl, and I seem to be confident and charming and (dare I say it) sexually attractive. I must not let it get to my head, and I must stay the person I am. However, with all these emotional changes, I'm not sure how that's possible. My dilemma is the dialectic between fast changing feelings and the steadfast but slow ritualistic nature I have. That's an interesting way to frame it, but now I want to frame this: I'm tired.

Good night.

p.s. I danced a little jig after I kissed her. I hope no one saw that. I'm still a shy guy.