Tuesday, April 12, 2011

i feel too tired to think of a blog post title

Good Evening,

I am uncharacteristically tired today, like the kind of tired I felt when I started working and I did long shifts one day at a time. Tomorrow is a job interview. I probably won't get it. I'm glad I got shortlisted and I'll put in as much and as detailed a response as I can do, but I probably won't get it. It's not even a great job. Its another part time job and its only marginally better. I guess two part times make a whole?? Maybe not.

Today I did a whole lot, then I went to counselling. I talked about some difficult stuff again, but I felt like I ended up saying nothing. A lot of the session pertained to my sense of insecurity and sense of inferiority and my feeling of pessimism and how things cannot change. I am upset at something dobby said to me,and I'm much more upset at my misjudged trust of her. I feel angry at myself because I want to trust someone and I reach out, but then I feel betrayed and disappointed. It makes me think: why bother.

I then went to the gym for some training. I did about 16km on the spinner, I started off with a 50kcal sprint on the treadmill, then a bit of resistance and then a bit of ab work. I say a bit, but it was a lot more than I've done in a while. Working on the abs is the hardest work. I decided to call it a quick one (well, 70 minute session) and then say hi to my neighbours downstairs in the court. Since tomorrow is an interview day, I thought I'd save some energy for tomorrow, or if anything, tomorrow's gym session.

I feel really disappointed with Dobby.I almost had feelings for her, and I thought it would be something nice. Unfortunately I feel dissappointed and betrayed by her. My preoccupation with the immediate past is not going to help me with this interview. There's something I have been trying to say to myself, but that I'm trying to suppress. There's a feeling of deep inner resentment and failure. I think it can be stated in one way: a few of my friends are in their writing up phase for their PhD. I'm working aa job that barely pays and I'm lucky that I'm not still unemployed. I feel useless and hopeless and they are going to be doctors in no time.I am utterly utterly jealous of them and I hate that I fucked up my chances of a PhD trying to follow a teenaged goth girl who kept saying how she hated life and trying to give everything of myself to her, as a result I gave too much.

I suppose that is as eloquent as one can get. Trying to hide this thought and feeling merely is a testament to how ashamed I am of these feelings. I call it 'my failure'.

I feel like I can't do any more tasks today. To be honest, I don't need to. I've done a huge amount today, and I've applied to a job.  Here's to hoping for the future.

Oh, I had a binge today, and my mind went all psycho because I couldn't help myself. I think I'll talk about taht another time.

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