Friday, December 31, 2010

New years eve (plus new years resolutions)

New Years eve.

I'm glad I'm going to a party this year. I'm not the best at a party, particularly with my anxieties. There will be a few girls from my old sixth form there, but six years younger. Ugh. One of the girls is going out with the host. I bought some alcohol to share during the evening, as requested by the host. I've spent the past hour or so preparing and the two hours previous masturbating, and probably the four or so hours previous to that  playing xbox. Whilte it's not my most organised or productive of days, I am dressed in a dapper fashion and I quite like that.

I'm dressed in a tie and a smart shirt, almost my work clothes except I'm wearing my new cords. I think I'll wear something I feel comfortable with as a person, smart, geeky and insecure just like me. It would be nice to try out my new shoes.

Something bizarre happened today, I've been asked to model for a photographer. Now this is a bit scary for me, because initially I thought this to be an endearing compliment on my appearance. Apprently the guy likes my hair and my face. The guy says in the first email that he's a gay photographer, I'm not quite sure what this means. Is he going to be gay with me? I kind of like the idea of a photoshoot where I'm a sexualised object by another man. I don't think real gay or bisexual people say they are going to be 'gay' with someone else. I guess that outs me as a straight man.

Anyhoo I find it a compliment, until he replied back to me. The fellow is interested in non-normative conceptions of beauty. Does that make me a non normal person? I've seen some of his previous on his website. Much of which focuses on alternative notions of embodiment. If were were a philosopher on the notion of embodied I'd find it interesting. One work of his focuses on physically disabled persons, one on a woman with cancer and another with heavily tattooed people. I'm not quite sure where I fit into this. I hope he won't rape me. That's an awfully fucked up thing to say. Maybe he'll get a girl to suck me off, or I'll have sexy pictures to put on my facebook. I'm not sure really.

I better reply to him and tell him that I'll give him a call in a couple of days. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the boost to my confidence and carry that with me as I go to the party. I hope I don't get too drunk to make an ass of myself, I hope I don't get sober enough to have no confidence and I hope I don't shit myself. Apparently a few of my friends have flu or swine like symptoms. Two of them are the party animals/main flirters and one of them is a prick. On the whole I consider this a good sign. Now to plan my route home. I kind of want to leave now, but I must wait until it is fashionably the right time to leave.

Do I have any resolutions for the  year? I've noticed how everyone is making a big review of 2010, I do a review of my life basically at the end of every day so I don't see the novelty, although I enjoy the podcasts which have review episodes. Perhaps my resolutions are:

  • Lose weight. Get below 220lbs or hopefully 200lbs
  • Find a nice girl
  • Get a full time job that pays something you are proud of
  • Get a damn new laptop
  • Move out?
  • Build self esteem?

For now, I'm going to play xbox, got to the party later and get drunk as fuck.

Then tomorrow is a jamming session with my boys. Now doesn't that sound fun?

Nappy Hew year to you!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Counting (in anxiety)

one thing I find useful when I'm doing a task that seems detailed and seemingly consists of many tasks, thus more effort and more anxiety; is to count.

Count, 1,2,3,4.... for each little task it involves. I find it comforting. I found it comforting to count when I do the dishes and there seems to be a lot of things in the sink. Suddenly I'm reminded of when I used to live in that postgrad house after my Masters...that was a very dark time in my life.

Now back to sorting. I was on number 8 if I recall.

"When I'm surrounded by so much emotional shit, its good to start picking up the things immediately around me."

Dear Diary, (I feel like starting this way seems more accessible)

Today I felt something. I felt a strong sense of rejection and hopelessness. When I was an undergraduate my biggest fear was the possibility that a PhD wasn't possible. Now my fear is that it's happened. They say its important to acknoweldge your fears. It's important to acknowledge the things which undermine you. My dad is good at undermining me, and my mum. If I had more control over the things that undermined me I'd be a better person for it: I'd be less flawed.

I woke up around 5am today. I felt like having an intense shit. I then lay in bed for what seemed to be an hour or so. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs, made myself some breakfast and then I played some xbox. I figured this would be the best time when my parents aren't awake. It would be nice to have a tv in my room. I used to have a tv ages ago, I won it after doing a survey. Well technically I got a £100 certificate from Amazon. Some chinese students 'took' my TV when I finished the tenancy on a place in 2008. It was one of those old school CRT televisions, but it survived well.

I was looking at a potential PhD or MPhil department, I suddenly had a feeling of dread. Perhaps I shouldn't go for a PhD, I am telling myslef. Perhaps I should go for an MA when I can afford it. I don't think I'll have any luck with academic funding so maybe the best bet is to self fund. That means I should get a job and then when I have enough money I'll apply for an MA or something. Maybe that would work. I could do the MA part time and maybe I could focus on the academic papers for now.

The more time passes the more I see people my age group doing stuff. That Joanna Yeates who died in Bristol seemed successful, she had a beautiful place in a beautiful part of Bristol, and the BBC keep repeating that she's a landscape architect. I wish I had something cool like that to say about my life. I am moaning and I shouldn't moan. I should focus on making my life better and finding a way to rise above all this shit going on. It used to be classical music and academia which was my escape. Now I find both worlds closed to me.

I feel lost. Its not good to feel lost when I have a schedule, because things do not get done.
I wish there was some way I could make this all right.

I've been eating too much these past few days. This morning I've had some cereal and pringles. This afternoon I had some salmon that mum made from Xmas eve. I might actually go out tonight to a club. I'm that desperate.

After checking my phone, I was invited to go yesterday. Fuck.

I have realised something: if I think about somethingthat I want to do and don't write it down on my schedule. It doesn't get done. Look at all the clutter in my room that I have not scheduled to clean up for instance. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. When I'm surrounded by so much emotional shit, its good to start picking up the things immediately around me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dogbert on happiness (from 27th Dec issue of Dilbert)

Since my last post I've committed to various minor tasks and I have made a good effort at clearing up the schedule. I still have many things to do but any steps forward are steps forward. I think that is the case, at least.

"It will end, and I'll be depressed. That's how it's always been"

Good afternoon.

I probably haven't written a post for a while. I've been playing an xbox RPG or halo for a lot of yesterday. Getting up late, and having a guest over didn't help my schedule. I suppose in a sense I am being lenient with myself and all that goes on on the basis that it's a holiday period and this is a time where I will see many of my friends and family compared to 'normal' time. The one great thing about the Christmas period (and for my family it still counts as Christmas, namely, a 12 day period).

My parents went off to a pary last night, so I used the free oppurtunity to play xbox, and I played with my friend online. That was lots of fun. The downside is I have an untidy room and lots to do on my schedule. Right now, or rather, for the past hour or so I have been arranging my tasks (mainly job searches and informational queries) to 'catch up' as it were on things.

I am expecting to hear from the graduate scheme. I have a feeling it's going to be a rejection. Rejection is the only thing I've known in the past few years. I'm going to try and be proactive. I suppose ways to be proactive is to not make things worse. I've eaten a bit too much lately. The food is just out there and has been so since the 24th. There's a salmon, bits of turkey, and shitloads of chocolate.

I hope to catch up on my schedule, this would mean I can free up time in later days. Doing both will enable me to find more time to enjoy myself with a clear conscience, and maybe, just maybe, get things done.

Right now I'm listening to a lecture on the rise of the Greek Polis. It's the only normalcy I find comforting in this festive change period. It will end, and I'll be depressed. That's how it's always been.

Monday, December 27, 2010

ghosts of new years past

I felt really depressed earlier. I could make up all sorts of reasons. After I got home from my sister's place my anxiety levels shot up and I then found reasons to depress over. I then had a wank and my brain chemistry seemed to have reset. I've taken 4 laxatives (two is the suggested maximum, and I have taken more in the past to painful effect) but I see this as a drastic measure to overeating.

New years party is worrying me. My belly is worrying me specifically. I found out that the host of the party hooked up with this girl the last time we saw him, and now she and he are an item. That means her friends are coming over to the party. The bad thing is that they went to my sixth form (oh, also I'm 6 years older than they). Both revelations scare the fuck out of me, the spectre of older age, and sexy 18 year olds. I find sexy 18 year olds sexy, but I'm also inadequately non-competitive in situations where I am expected to impress a girl. I try to be myself and then my friends embarass me. Then I hide in a corner feeling awkward and depressed and drink myself silly. I don't like it.

I'm annoyed that the xbox I bought doesn't work properly, its fucked up. In other news, I'm currently making a playlist for the coming year. Sofar I've made about 290 hours. That's pretty good so far, right? I'm only half wat through, too. The playlist contains indierockpop as I call it, classical music, black metal and gothic/metal genres. I enjoy depressive suicidal black metal. It's my favourite musical genre. I find that when I listen to it, I can either feel completely consumed by the music to the point of being physically and mentally inert of action, or I have this feeling where there is this beautiful expression where my own mood cannot be expressed by words but the soundworld of the blackness speaks it with clarity.

So, what's coming tomorrow and the rest of the week? Now that 'christmas' is technically over and its the 'inter-days' between xmas and new years, I'll try to catch up with job applications and job searches, basically,  the usual. I've not heard from my grad scheme application. I should presume I didn't get in. Life sucks, and then it gets worse. I hate being part time employed as well as an intern. It's one up from unemployed (well two up), but I want to be a few up from this. I want to be earning money comparable to my peer group. I want a new laptop and to play xbox in my pants in a flat of my own owning, I dont want to have to tipoe about and put the pornography at a low volume. I want a better life.

I guess it all starts from the schedule details, starts off with tidy up your bed and brush your teeth. I've got to start with the essentials, the basics and then build up. Some days I find the biggest battle is with my own depressed feelings. I've said the D word a lot in previous posts. This isn't the best Christmas i've had, but it isn't the worst either. The worst was probably 2006. I have memories of new years past. 2004/5 was the first time I met my school friends as a uni student. I was depressed that the guys had girlfriends. 2005//6 I genuinely enjoyed. My anxiety left me for a few days and I was totally looking forward to the enjoyment of life. Then it ended and university returned. The anxiety of that time came back as quickly as it left, and there were more battles to fight in that time.

2006/7 I stayed at my flat in bristol (away from parents and friends), I was burning candles a lot ('like an emo' as a friend once commented) and I was wallowing in my own self-pity and self-hate. I also attempted suicide that year, twice. 2007/8 was when I started purging and that manifested by a vendetta against a guy who was once my best friend. 2008/9 at present seems to be a blank to me. At this time, was when I was rejected from a PhD the first time and I was very depressed, I was living in limbo for a while and just started to realise that I wasn't a student anymore. I'm slightly embarrassed that I barely remember what happened on this year. I think, if I'm correct, I spent it at home: it was then on the evening of new years that I decided to use my account a lot more. Funny because I still keep to that resolution (I was just compiling a playlist for the coming year). 2009/10 new years is the most recent one, I lost my girlfriend and I was living back at home. We spent new years in tuxedos and it was a horrible evening at some chavvy event in kensington (a combination of words not often put). This year is a planned house party. I suppose that this year is an improvement from the last, but I'm not sure really how far it is. I'm part time employed, interning at an interfaith charity doing research, I spent some time volunteering with the police and not much besides. I hate the fact that I've been applying for jobs for fucking ages and I've had no fucking luck. I wish I had more support. The job centre was pants, but they did pay for my counselling. I'm fucked, fuckedy fucked. I really shouldn't have ended my JSA claim. On the other hand, I did find the support unhelpful and I was pretty certain that they were not terribly co-operative or supportive with what I wanted.

I feel terribly down. I think I want to carry these depressed feelings with me and embrace them in the darkness of night, so long as they don't infect me during the morn. I dont think that's possible, I think I must fight it constantly. Listening to the depressive black metal makes me feel at a home I cannot explain with words, the soundworld in my head, the warmth and chill of the darkness and despair.

I wish I was someone else. Someone better.

Tomorrow will judge what kind of person I am, but also today, and yesterday. Today and yesterday have shown flaws, but not terribly big onses. I do wish I was better than what I am. Perhaps I'd be happier. I must fight on. Typing this post makes me realise how much changes over the years, the gap between this year and last is the smallest. I wish that more changed in my life as I advanced, not the opposite.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Immanuel Kant once wrote: science is organised knowledge, wisdom is organised life.

To say my life is organised is in some ways an understatement and an overstatement. I don't know at the moment how I'll ever get out of my parents house, whether I'll ever earn enough to get a mortgage or if I'll ever get a full time job that is worthy of my abilities and my 5 letter qualifications. Perhaps it is better said that I should be worthy of it. That's how the job market works these days, how are you, the applicant, going to be useful to us? My rights or entitlements or desires seem secondary to everyone else's, especially the person with the power.

Other ways my life is fairly organised. I have enough reading material to last well within my 50s in the form of audiobooks. I'm presently putting my energies into creating a playlist for the coming year. I call it the 2011 playlist. It is furhter subcategorised into four broad categories which basically sums up my music interest:

  • Black metal (Includes depressive black metal)
  • Indie/rock/pop/ - normal people music (includes punk)
  • Classical (includes schoenberg)
  • 'Gothic' and related genres - camden people music (includes heavy metal)
In wittgensteinian fashion, these categories have further subcategories. I'll give you an example: gothic and related arbitrarily includes heavy metal genres but not black metal. I see black metal as too autonomous from heavy metal in my playlist. Heavy metal is party music and fun music. For me, black metal is closer to classical music in its darkness and how it stares into the depths of the human soul, like say, the Essays of Montaigne or the books of Nietzsche.

I think that makes me what people call an 'intense' person. Black metal as I see it has various subgenres:

  • Ambient Black metal
  • Atmospheric Black metal - sometimes labelled as atmospheric doom, or black-doom
  • Post-rock black metal (more avant-garde) - sometimes identified as 'experimental black metal)
  • Black thrash (sounds like rockn'roll) - sometimes called thrash'nroll
  • Blackened death metal: death metal with black influences - although the two genres are quite seperated in terms of their fan base, they would sound musically similar superficially in the fact that they are harsh sounding, and pride themselves on how 'extreme' and distorted it can be. I think the difference is as large as say, the attitude stereotype between the archetypal european and the archetypal north american
  • Depressive and Suicidal Black Metal
  • Avant-garde metal
  • French Black metal
  • National socialist black metal
  • Discographies (whole playlists of the output of particular bands, like opeth, cradle of filth etc)
  • 'True' black metal - this genre as far as I understand it tries to go to the 'roots' of black metal, even though ironically it is considered as an 'offshoot'. It is an offshoot that is a response to the fact that black metal has offshot soo much. Such is the way of musical authenticity notions
  • Symphonic black metal
  • UK black metal
  • Unsorted - things I can't classify or are too specific to put under a genus concept (like norweigian viking folk metal - or something)
So that makes a set of 12 divisions in a single schema. Even within this (arbitrary) schematisation that I have constructed, I have established subcategories and the potential for even further subcategories. At the moment I'm trying to work out the most organised way to schematise the rock music. I think punk is the biggest subcategory to establish as a single autonomous subgroup from the rest of the generalised rock tracks.

In my head I can organise things but in my life I cannot. In my head I have the authority to command what is the case and what is not by means of applying concepts to objects. A thought that I had last night that was really scary, and in a sense is the essence of what many of my dreams have been, is to say that I'm stuck between two worlds. A world in my head or a personal world where people really know me ,or where I can be most myself; and a world where people know the 'social' me. The social me is awkward nervous and unemployable. The personal me is similarly a powerless and feckless individual.

Normally people jump between two worlds to find empowerment. People go into subcultures to discern a notion of identity which fits more to their self concept, either as a descriptive notion or a normative notion (namely, pertaining to how they think that they should be as a person). In my world, the normative conception ofmyself is implicitly critical of what I am now. I jump between two world but do not find more empowerment but more exasperation from a lack of control.

Perhaps the only power I have is from within.

Earlier today I was thinking to myself: why should I bother to get out of bed today? I was thinking in my head that if I stayed in bed later I could find some inner resolve that would make me strong and able to face the day, or the laternative was to get out of bed and face the cold and the pain and the drowsyness that I felt, facing the day knowing that I didn't feel emotionally strong or particularly resolved.

Years of depression and learning about myself has taught me that the perception of a better me always seems to be tangible and possible, but distant, ever distant. The temptation is to chase that tangible self, but I end up living more in my head, and not doing anything. Or I could get out of bed and face the cold, brush my teeth, shave and so forth. It is through this kind of action that real life occurs. Not some fantasy notion of 'happily ever after' whereby I become Aeneas suddenly after his moment of clarity in the underworld and everything goes right for him.

Real life isn't like that. Real life is the emotional hangover. Why is it that I feel hungover when I didn't drink anything? I think that's a sign that I shouldn't drink. I have enough problems sober. Real life is stress, getting things done in a struggle and hoping for the best.

My life is constant rejection, constant refusal to see any worth in me and there seems to be no pot'o gold at the end of the rainbow. I must recognise that my schedule is the one thing keeping me going, and it is exactly the schedule and all the job searches and applications what will move me forward.

Today is technically an 'off' day. I'm supposed to see my sister later. In addition, I might see some friend.s Just like me to want to tackle the big stuff. I wish I saw more of the good in me. Sometimes a good day means just not making things worse. What I want right now is a fix hit of chocolate sugar in my blood stream, and maybe a shower. I can smell my putrid odours.

I feel better after writing this post. I was worried that I wasn't going to be articulate. Sometims the best way to clear the air is through some analogous discussion. Because schema can be isomorphic.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Procrasintation evolved

I spent most of my day playing halo, pissing about on my xbox (saying 'my xbox has a funny ring to it') and watching judge dredd. I am a confirmed geek, maybe a noob geek. Oh, and I spent the morning wanking. I was planning to meet up with a friend today, she has an issue with not getting a flight to her home country, so myself and a friend are helping her out in trying to resolve her situation. I'd like to think that I've been supportive, I don't know. I just feel like I'm wasting away. I guess turning inward and playing halo and wanking doesn't really spell out proactive now does it?

Over the past 7 days I have:

  • Applied to 5 jobs
  • Went to an academic panel discussion (which is now a podcast)
  • Went to see friend and watch tron
  • Bought shoes
  • Bought clothes from uniqlo
  • Recieved xbox
  • Went xbox shopping
  • updated my young person's discount rail card
  • Recieved shifts for january
  • Tidied and reorganised my clothes cupboard and wardrobe (not a small task - I needed a schematising system)
  • Constructed financial projections
Right now I have depleted my attention span. I don't think this is a good thing. In other news, the playlist that I constructed in May has almost completed, this is amusing because the last few tracks on the playlist are christmas related soft rock (Trans Siberian Orchestra).

I am going to put the rubbish in the black bag downstairs, and then try to remember what I am doing.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


It's easier to be angry than it is to be upset. Its easier to be a thug than it is to be a struggling nice guy.

It's hard to admit when you have problems. It's easy to hide away from facing them, which include not acknowledging them, and if it involves people.

There was a guy who died earlier this year, we called him loser. I've vowed for much of my life not to be like the loser. I think I am the loser, or a loser. I have a lot of financial worries. I'm worried about the fact that I can't afford counselling. I got my shifts for january in yesterday, there are only two shifts available this month, that means I'll be paid £81, if one is to deduce tax. I spent a shitload today, and I think a bit of it was *unnecessary*. I was so focussed, so fixated on wanting an xbox, that I overwent on my expenditures. I bought an xbox, that's all good and well, but it didn't have a modem. In order to play with my friends, I need a modem, a connection to xbox live, the right games (i've only got two games sofar), and a keyboard and headset to communicate with. I need to factor in the fact that:

  1. I don't earn very much
  2. Getting a job full time looks unlikely to happen overnight, or soon.
  3. I have counselling fees
  4. I need fees to live: e.g. oyster card, going out, possible dates with girls?  It's a bastard of a situation. I hate that work is so hard to find. It makes me think: am I not looking hard enough? when I get worried I don't do anything at all.
I'm worrying about PhD applications. I see some advertised and I know that I should consider applying again, then I feel shit about how I don't have the 'academic credentials' for postgraduate study. I really fucked up, man. I wish there was something I could do to make it all better...I guess I could work on the scheduled tasks.

Here's to taking a deep breath, and diving in.
I shouldn't hide my sorrows in xbox gaming.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Guilt card

I have recieved two christmas cards in total. One from my intern boss, and one from the volunteer co-ordinator with the police. The latter kinda suggested by implication that I need to go back, thus making me feel guilty about my volunteer time. I didn't feel useful as a volunteer, and I feel anxious that I left it behind. I'll tell you something else that's making me anxious: PhD or MPhil applications.

I need to consider sending out more PhD or research Masters applications. I know that there isn't much chance of getting in, or rather, that's how I feel. Maybe if I apply for a masters first. The adverts that I've seen say that the particular universities have AHRC allocated funding. That means that if I do apply, and if by some godforsaken chance I'm given an offer; I can also apply for funding as well.

My dream of wanting to be an academic seems so distant now that I've become so acquainted with failure. I feel so bruised emotionally after my previous PhD application that I'm a bit sore about it. I'm scared to ask my referees for more references, especially since two out of four of them aren't replying back to me anymore. My situation is F-U-C-K-E-D.

Perhaps if I co-ordinate a batch, apply in batch, ask in batch. A single email to request for multiple applications, perhaps they may oblige. I'm scared of failure, so scared that I'd rather stay a failure than attempt to succeed with the chance of failure again. Today has been productive, and considering that I've got so much to do this week with the holidays coming, I'm a little worried.

I've just re-read what I just typed. Worried of what? I ask myself. I feel worried of 'dying' again, perhaps is the only way I can describe it. The torment I went through towards the end of my MA, it was indescribable.

I was chatting to a friend on facebook last night. She's a successful artist, she even exhibited a work for some very well known figures. I find her such an inspiration in many ways. I told her that I was in such a stupour and I feel numb sometimes. She said that I need to force myself to be passionate, force myself to reflect on what I'm really dedicated towards, and be as specific as I can in aiming for what I want, and achieving it.

I feel too afraid to even utter it. I want to get into a PhD. I want to have a PhD.

Saying it makes me feel better, but even still I feel scared. I think its time to metaphorically pull the wax paper from my balls.

Jumping around

Lots of people talk about how the internet and computer use has changed the way that people think and in doing so has changed the 'wiring' of people's brains. Some skills become prevalent such as multimanaging or quick thinking, but others become lost like the old skills of having a good concentration, memory or need for arithmetical skills.

At the moment my brain is jumping so many hoops and in a way I like the way that I've organised myself. I set tasks, don't think about them, and then I simply execute. I am executing small tasks at the moment. I think that I'm going to do enough job searching to fill up this week and next if possible, and then I'm going to do as much as I can in this schedule that I've set.

I find it weird applying to an organisation which has previously considered me and then turned me down. I've applied to so many things I'm going to go in 'doubles' with all the shit I've applied to. Lord give me a job, please?

I've made a few new connections in my head. I've found an actually decent arts job board, perhaps.

Have I mentioned the snow over the past few days. It's lovely, there may very well be a white christmas. I cancelled my account, I just hope they give me the £10 amazon voucher. An awkward phone call and watching two dvds with Jason statham was a fun adventure, but I wanted the £10 from amazon.

Ways to improve myself

  • Get fit
  • Be more dedicated
  • Achieve more
  • Find a job that pays well
  • Make peace with the past
  • Find inner sense of flourishing

Hmm, that seems much better than a post saying 'I'm annoyed'.

I'm going through the calendar with some degree of things completed. Now to just keep up this pace.

I am expecting to get January's shifts in by today.

Guilt as motivator

Something weighed heavy on me this morning. I saw on facebook that my ex is having housing problems. The house she moved into flooded, and she has money problems and is couch surfing at the moment. Antonia is looking for another place to live. I feel bad for her, she doesn't really have parents to bail her out like I did plus she has a daughter.

I feel guilty, absolutely guilty, because I spent all morning lazing and once I actually did open my eyes I had a quickie. I thought my money problems were bad, I have an ISA to eat out of, and my parents gave me a £200 for passing GO at another year. I bought an xbox 360, trousers and thermal shirts from uniqlo, cinema tickets, a new 16-25 card and a pair of shoes for work (as my previous oxfords have broken at the sole). I feel like I've spent too much for things which are (with the noble exception of the xbox) necessary purchases. Antonia wouldn't have such a luxury. I don't need to worry about the gas bill as my parents cover it.

That guilt made me get out of bed and do my schedule. It's quite packed at the moment. I've done things on the schedule these past few days, but my mind has been elsewhere, like chinese food, xbox games and comics not least to mention the coming 'season'. Christmas isn't fun for everyone, and it is tragic to know that Antonia's child is in poverty. I feel guilty because I moved away. I feel guilty also because I want to not feel guilty and just get on with my schedule, with my life. I cannot be constructive with an emotional burden.

Perhaps guilt can motivate me to be proactive today.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

surplus to requirement

When I started purging I made these sartorial rules about how to dress. I've relaxed on them but I still uphold to sartorial rules. Looking at my clothes I see a lot of dead weight. There is so much dead weight around me, but if I take such a critical view, everything falls under scrutiny. That kind of scrutinious attitude I tried to uphold through growing up had finally turned on me and made me 'surplus to requirement'.

Life is cruel, and then you internalise it.


I hate my voice. It sounds so fucking stupid. I'd love to have another voice. Maybe Tim Curry, or Jason Statham.

I'm getting a bit ancy. Perhaps this means I need to eat. It could also mean that I have genuine causes for aggrivation. I was initially thinking of hanging out my aggrivations on this post, but after the fucking firefox took 10 minutes to load this blog page I've reconsidered.

Off to eat.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Hide nothing from me, Conatus

I suppose when I write this blog it sounds like a catalogue of moaning, like Aeneas but with no closure. I am normally different, but on the other hand, I suppose if I am truthful all the time (which I am on here) I am pretty pessimistic and hopeless.

I went to a roundtable discussion at the LSE. There were philosophers there and BBC's Mark Lawson talking about the future of humanities funding. Since I'm a prospective postgraduate in a Humanities subject I thought it interesting to hear their points. It was fairly depressing. The Arts/Humanities are fighting a battle against philistinism and the instrumentalism of the political establishment's reasoning process, and on the other hand are facing a fight against funding cuts. If I'm honest, the former is more dangerous than the latter.

After the event ended, I felt I was among brothers and sisters. I am no longer a student, but I feel their sense of appreciation and youthful optimism and values in the humanism of academia and the learned ways of Europe. I went to take a piss, left the building and walked to the tube station. As I went to the station, I think I almost recognised a girl. It was the girl who messaged me last year and who I met earlier this year. She's the kinky one, polyamorous and who said I was pretty. I hear she's a PhD student now so I guess it would figure that she'd be around a university territory.

I wasted so much of my days as a student, I wish I could undo the mistake I made as a Masters student. I wish I could prove to myself that I had what it took to be an academic. I've lost faith in myself. I've binged today. Mea culpa. As I got home I didn't feel as able to concentrate on much. I did interestingly read a few comics (a new hobby of mine) and enjoy myself by watching a few episodes of the tick and x men. I'm immersing myslef as a geek. I also listened to a few podcasts and read some of the news of the world according to GReader. I am reducing my RSS feeds and my twitter feeds. I'm trying to be as they say, parsimonious.

I felt reulctant to post. I feel reluctant to do some of the scheduled tasks. This is partly due to a few different feelings:

  1. It's cold
  2. I'm lazy
  3. It's christmas
  4. I feel down (similar to 2)
  5. I am fixated on the xbox I bought
  6. I don't want to acknowledge some of the tasks as it would mean actually making my mind work
  7. Following 6 - some tasks would make me want to care, or be dedicated and I feel too bruised by failure. I'm too scared to put myself out there
  8. I feel tired (this one is increasing lately)

Friday, December 17, 2010

A lump of coal

Christmas has come early.

I didn't get the job.

I am opening more mail. It's representative of my life these days. Job rejection, letter for eye hospital, free tea sample and letter concerning receipt of application.

I'll just keep applying. I feel a little tired, down even. I blood hope my xbox comes in today. Maybe I'll go walkies and buy accessories in preparation? Or may be I should wait. Ugh, I think I'm going to express my sorrows through computer gaming.

Lingering thoughts and feelings

Lingering thoughts de jour:

  • I have a headache
  • I feel tired, note to self: do not lay down in bed
  • I wonder if I'll hear back from the job interview I had this week.
  • They didn't say if I'll hear back
  • They werent' very nice
  • But I do need a job
  • I should email the counselling office
  • I'm quite looking forward to the xbox coming through the mail
  • but I dont have much time to play with it
  • This has been the only day in probably a week wehre I've actually spent time on my schedule
  • I've not done many job searches or applications this week
  • There are so many job boards I've set to look through
  • I hope my life gets better
  • I should take a paracetamol
  • I want to go to that conference
  • but its' so cold outside
  • I need to space out doing things with fun things
  • Let's go, what the hell.

What's worse?

What's worse? The nightmare I dreamt, or the nightmare I'm living?

If I'm honest, after the deeply personal distress of my nightmare, I feel that I may consider wake as just another form of dream. Perhaps the world of wake isn't as judgmental, but my dream was about something that once happened, that I can never take back. Because I can never take it back I am tortured by its consequences.

It was a dream, about a conversation with my MA dissertation supervisor. I don't want to say anymore, it's painful. I also had a weird dream narrative just before that conversation which was about how my brother recently said he isn't coming home anymore. I almost feel like I've lost him. I feel sad. I feel lonely, and because of my dissertation supervisor dream experience I feel rejected.

I'm awake, prepared myself, had a nice poo, and I am clothed. It's 9am. Perhaps I can salvage a good day. I'm thinking about going to the university of London to see a discussion about 'the future of humaniities'. An old professor I once had is going and also a great scholar I respect is going. Since my nightmare is about PhD rejections, I guess it would be pertinent to see what the future of humanities holds.

My life is turned upside down. The guy who used to get D's in 'A' level is doing a PhD in astrophysics and me, with the perfect grades is working a pitiful casual part time job, interning pro bono and financially I just ate into my ISA nest egg.

It's deadly cold outside. I think I'm going to catch up on things today. I won't talk about yesterday because basically nothing happened. I interened, no one was in the office (they were too busy with life to go and work) so I listened to some Bach in the office space. I'm not sure if I over or under ate. I did eat a lot of fat and cals for lunch, I had two big packets of the bacon crisps, they taste so evil. As I got home I partook of mostly bread, or what I call a 'butter sandwich'. I like the butter sandwich. It's fatty, but also wholesome, like me.

Oh yeah, something else happened yesterday worth nothing. I asked out Dobby. She kinda said no. So, balls. I really liked her, and she doesn't know what she's I feel a bit sad. But one soldiers on, like a soldier. I bet those brave British men and women at Helmand don't sulk, they suck it in and fight on...and then lose limbs and suffer deep psychological scars after what they've seen. Okay, bad example.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

They say writing is drainign for the soul

They say writing is draining for the soul.

Perhaps I need to write more. Perhaps I need to drain my soul of all the negativity and darkness. Perhaps I need to talk about my memories. Perhaps I need to open Pandora's box.

I used to talk about memories in this blog and then I stopped. It seemed to be construed as a preoccupation with the past. Maybe if I talk about them they will stop coming to me. I used to think that if I mentioned something I would not have to mention it again, it would simply be a matter of 'see this blog post' or 'I have already written on this issue'. I do this with academic matters.

Perhaps I need to write about memories, how memories relate to my present, and try to understand why they are coming back.

I had a flash of anger just a moment ago. I was reminded of when I was so angry after I got out of the mental hospital that I threw all my books down from the shelf. I left the books on the floor for a week or so to my recollection. Perhaps it was a few weeks. I was so angry I just threw things and left it there. It was seen as the ulti9mate expression to throw things. I learned from that experience that I could throw things but I wouldn't stop getting angry, and whatever I threw. I would eventually have to pick it up.

To express anger at my indignity of my experiences at the mental ward was shewn by throwing my beloved books, and saying angry words at people to whom it was not worth directing to. Perhaps the start of my healing process was to realise metaphorically and literally that the books I had thrown would have to be picked up. All the relationships that I ruined had to be built up again, some of them couldn't be recovered. This lesson was sobering and this sobriety is the essence of why I try to be calm. Whatever I throw, whatever words, or plates, or books, or chairs, would have to be picked up again.

I hope this is how catharsis feels.

"Carpe Diem" is more than a metallica song

"My Successful Friends" Tales Of Mere Existence

Good afternoon (shit, really?)

I got up maybe like an hour ago, I slowly woke up. I read a comic, checked google reader, and then I read up some mail. I had a bit of an anxiety/worry trigger because the people that the job centre are referring me to are 'bothering' me. I've made it clear that I've wanted to end my claim. I've not gone to a few appointments and they are pestering me as if I didn't send off that claim at all. I'm fucking peeved at their administrative incompetence. I hate that if I were to complain they would defend themselves by the 'I'm only following procedure' excuse. Yeah, you and every other fucking murderous Nazi and Rwandan soldier can hide behind that one. No one wants to claim responsibility for the small stuff anymore. Why do we think its a worry if they can't accept responsibility for the big stuff? It's a cultural malaise, a suffocation of the reasonable man (and woman).

So, I feel quite angry right now. I'm angry at the job centre, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for being so lazy, that I was too tired and weak to wake up. I'm feeling increasingly weak these past few days. You know waht would perk me up? A job, better still, a healthier fitter body.

Anyway, today is my 'catch up' day. I've not done very much since probably yesterday or it might go back to even last saturday. I felt really low in bed earlier. I still feel a bit low. I will try to struggle on with my schedule, but I wonder what the point of it is. I seem to be fighting a battle, a war on so many fronts. I wish I could be underweight and weak, that way girls will think of me in more a sympathetic light. As a fat person I am not seen as valid in their eyes.

There's always mia...

Mia only seems appealing if I'm denying her, like any other girl, once I'm wrapped around her finger I'm no longer a novelty and I have to fight for her favour and justification.

I feel so angry, and it makes me see how unsympathetic people really are. Or maybe, it's making me insufferable to others. Maybe I'll do the bold thing and pretend its not happening. The one thing I hate about depression is when you can see it affect your relationships with other people. Like with my brother. He's such a loser.

I have to prove myself: that I'm not a loser like my degree-less brother, and not like my loser neighbour.

I feel like such a disappointment. Maybe I'll do the louise hay thing and reverse that negativity: today is midday: it is still bright and full of oppurtunities. I still have an interview to hear back from, and then there is the graduate sscheme that I have yet to hear to. I have things that I could do today and a few jobs to apply to. Today is a set of opportunities. Seize them!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

recovering from yesterday's low (slowly)

I'm a little anxious.

I'm not sure why.

Yesterday I got a bit depressed. I'm not sure why precisely, perhaps because I found out so many people I knew from university are making a name for themselves, here's a list of what I found out from this week:

  • Former housemate - legal researcher and founding member of a legal aid type organisation
  • Friend from university society - Sabattical officer, in a public debate situation to address the recent tuition fee increases
  • Friend from university/grad school - protester made recently famous for organising a university occupation
  • Postdoc at grad school - published a monograph earlier this month, it looks quite good. Perhaps an original contribution to scholarship.
Good for them I say. However, It didn't help me that I spent most of the day fucking around. Today is seemingly the same. At the moment the only thing on my mind is that I want to get new corduroys from uni-qlo, even though I can't afford it. I'm fuckedy fucked up. The boss is flying in late from Switzerland (how fucking glamorous) and we are going to have lunch in a couple of hours, I better get ready in about 45 mins, alas, I've not even planned the route. I'm still in a dressing gown and I dhaven't even brushed my teeth today. On the plus side I have read a lot of the items on GReader's starred list of websites that I was meaning to read, most of them were kinda academic so it's good to keep up the learning.

I got a bad feeling about the job I got interviewed for. The last thing I want is a rejection, but its the first thing that I always get. Especially before Xmas its not what I want to hear. Could you give me a break, lord? I'll start believing in you if you do...

Feeling depressed for a lot of yesterday was something I allowed myself to do. I guess it's important to attend to your needs and not suppress them. I feel better for letting out my feelings, and now I feel a little more proactive, not entirely proactive but I am improving a bit. I read a\ play, an epic poem and I finished The Secret Histories. I thought it sad how Richard (the narrator) is the only one who graduates. I also found it odd when the male narrator was ready  by the author (female). I couldn't take her masculinity seriously, I guess reading it for myself removes that bias.

For some reason I'm feeling ridiculously tired. I think I need to get into my clothes and hopefully strike up some excitement.

Oh, in other news there is a New Years party I've been invited to, it's a cool banker friend of mine and although I don't know him as well, it does sound pretty cool. The thing is, as it always is, I will get awkward and feel like the outsider. I'll leave yopu with this video for thought.

"How I Feel When I Go To Parties" Tales Of Mere Existence

Monday, December 13, 2010

More reasons to feel depressed

Two people I knew from university have become very popular lately:

1. one guy from uni who I became very good friends with (despite our violent disagreements, he'd even disagree that we'd disagree sometimes), is organising and executing a sit-in at my university. He's gotten the reputation among academics, students, and myself, as a living legend fighting the system.

2. Another guy I knew, who wasnt as good a friend but I was still amicable with, is now a university sabattical officer, and funny enough, he's going to be in a televised debate with the university and it's going to be a public event.

I feel incredibly depressed, what can I say about myself? I'm interning at a charity and I have cum stains on a white pillow case.

I feel like if I just keep with my schedule maybe I wont be a loser. Maybe.

Back to the fucking schedule.

Memories haunt me

I said in an earlier post that I woke up with the novelty of being 18 again in front of the mirror. What a facile appraisal. Instead of getting on with my life, I'm living in the past. I haven't gotten over what's happened, that's why I keep getting all the memories. I haven't made peace with those years that I refused to talk about. I thought it was sorted.

After my interview, which I think went pretty shit, I went home. I ate, I gorged, then I fell asleep for about 5 hours. I woke up and spent some time checking emails. I read that this old housemate of mine has won a landmark case and it's really impressive. My old housemate is a lawyer now, and to admit of some honesty, we had some sexual tension (even though I was fat). She was there during a dark time of my life, and I was there during hers. It sounds like a match of romance, but I wasn't interested, I was too self involved. I learned that lesson and improved a few months later when I met Antonia. How interesting things change looking at hindsight. Well done to her, also I'm obviously green with envy. My housemate is a successful legal researcher doing landmark cases of state failures and implicitly critiquing the legal process, while I'm sleeping during sunlight hours after eating monster munch from a failed interview that is basically an admin job.

I don't think I got the job. I got this feeling that I wasn't asnwering their question. It seemed like a pretty shoddy organisation. I sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes, I had to call the receptionist's attention (slightly peeved) to ensure I wasn't forgotten, they did not apologise about the delay and it all felt pretty impersonal. In addition, I feel they were a bit pushy and they openly said that there are a lot of hostile clients in the organisation. I'll tell you one thing though, the public sector have some pretty cushy buildings. I've done nothing today, I've made a few job searches, did an interview and ate a lot. There's nothing to show for that. I also an epic poem and a drama. I suppose today might be called 'relaxed' but I thought that's what the past three days were. Fuck.

I felt after the interview my body was tired and emotionally I was drained a lot. I wish I had a full time job. Or got into a PhD...

Life is cruel. No wonder I keep thinking about a simpler past. I need to keep it together. Rome won't hold if I keep thinking about Greece.

A living memory

After having my hair cut, there is a honeymoon period where my hair is conditioned with that special stuff from the hairdressers. I'll say this much: the honeymoon is over. As I woke up my first reaction was with shock. My thought:


This is very much the hair, and face I had when I was 18. Seeing that version of me again was unwelcome. Much of my life is about not just how far I've come from the shit that happened during my Masters, but also the shit that happened when I was 18, namely, the depression. When I was 18 the greatest thing happened to me and the worst thing happened to me, and they are contiguously the same thing. I got good 'A' Levels, went to a good university, and then went to university. As I started university I found that I didn't make as many friends, I was isolated and my grades weren't as good. I started feeling a sense of self-resent and I started crying in public. I felt everything was falling apart.

This realisation took me to another place this morning. Namely, being 18. As a 24 year old who is self conscious about the big 25, I felt that being 18 was a little bit of a novelty but also an unwelcome one, it felt like all the effort and things that happened since then , didn't happen and I lost so much of my life and not just any part of my life: the really good stuff, as well as the really bad. All of it makes me who I am all the same.

Anyway, after a shitload of hairspray I feel ready to face myself. I really see the need to comb my hair. Am I becoming my mum? Well, at least my hair's still longer than hers. That makes me the elegant one in the house. Perhaps I'm glad I didn't cut all of my hair off. I still have things to deal with.

Anyway, I should focus on the present, being an 18 year old is the last place I want to be. I have an interview, I woke up early and spent the first hour grooming. Now I'm listening to spotify and tracks I like. I feel like I need to shit, but I know I need to wait a little longer to excise my bowels. I think I need to talk to one of my friends, a girl who knew me more than anyone when I was 18. If I woke up as an 18 year old in 2010, she's the one I'd need help from. I was in love with her once...

Oh boy, some stories I'm tired of telling. Anything from when I was 18 especially. I really don't want to have to bring up the past. And this is from a guy who ALWAYS bring up the past.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Something feels wrong at the moment. I'm not sure if its inside me or my situation. I feel this sense of worry and I can't fully articulate it. On the other hand I have lots of reasons to worry and I can't put myself terribly at east. There's the whole family situation, there's my money situation. I know I needed a hair cut but it also bit a chunk out of my balance. I'm fucked, I have a christmas lunch thingy with the cuties from my office and I'll need money for that. I'll also need money for going out at xmas, meeting my PhD friend when he presumably comes to London, ugh so many things!

I'm going to start as the old mantra goes, one thing at a time. My schedule. From there I'll untangle.

a thought/feeling dump

I went out, bought some shampoo/conditioner, it was on offer in superdrug. Superdrug is the poor man's boots. I then decided (slightly on a whim) that I'd get a hair cut. I thought: I'll allow the indulgence, plus I have an interview and an office do with the intern people. I could spruce up. I felt like a real human being instead of some self hating recluse when I was having my head felt up by hair dressing ladies. The lady seemed surprised when I asked to have about half of my hair cut off. It's not exactly a new look, but it is very short by my standards. I've even decided to have the hair shorter at the front. Like tony stark's iron man in the 1990s.

On further consideration, I think Iron Man is a bit longer than mine. Oh well, I'm not a billionaire, nor do I have ultra high tech suits, or gorgeous muscles.

When I got home, my parents were talking about various things, as they do. From xmas decorations to food, and then they mentioned my brother. Apparently more details came out from their conversation that I wasn't willing to listen to earlier. My brother says he doesn't want to come home for the foreseeable future and asks that mail is forwarded to him at a certain address.

This upsets me. This makes me think and feel various things:

  • This is a lot like the neighbour who lives across the street from us, who started saying he won't visit his parents anymore and kept emailing us. Then he ran off to finland, had some mental breakdown trying to rid himself of the past in some symbolic way and then died. The reminder of my neighbour is not a happy precedent
  • This is embarrassing. He's always been a bit weird. There was the time he didn't come to his own birthday party. There was when my ex came over and he refused to leave the room to say hello. He just used to text me even thought we were in the house.
  • This is putting a strain on the family as a unit.
  • This is putting a strain on me.
I could focus on my schedule, but i feel both hungry, purgy and not hungry. I need to force myself to eat. This would help get my blood sugar up and then concentrate and then get things done!

I've been talking to myself a lot over the past 24 hours. At work, I was thinking about the dark times, and how much it changed my family and I. I was also thinking about my relationship with Mia, and the voice I used to hear in my head that was me. It was me against me, instead of me against mia.

family binds

I woke up fairly late this morning, I had a wank, and then I was so horny I had a second wank about 10 minutes after my first orgasm. I rarely do that. I did it yesterday, but before then I've not orgasmed twice like that probably since before I had my girlfriend (now known as the ex). Clearly there's some change in my hormones if that's happening. My pillow is the victim.

As I got up, I felt a big sense of dread, from knowing that I've got so many things to do. I also decided take a different approach and make a list of all the things i've been thinking about doing and scheduled them. I started from simple things, put my clothes on, have a shower, put clothes in the wash, weigh yourself, and then other things like: schedule haircut, consider withdrawing from ISA (the so-called 'last resort').

I did various of these things, and then I decided to eat, I am in a weird state of being hungry and gaining weight, I also need a shit but its not coming out yet. I feel guilty eating, and even more so if I'm gaining weight according to the scales. As I put the food in the microwave, my dad called me in his angry voice. My dad called attention to an email my brother sent. I only presuemd the content and did not feign interest. I know that my brother emailed me asking for no presents this year. That's what I presumed it was about. I tried to forget about it and eat. After hearing my dad's negative tone I knew it couldn't be good, in addition I also know that as background knowledge, the following propositions come into play:

  • My dad can be pretty judgmental and negative/draining sometimes. He can be pretty nice too
  • My brother has a history of depression, it became an open thing around the time after I started my Masters degree
  • My brother's depression makes me think about my own depression, and makes me uncomfortable about it. I need to find a way of takling about and dealing with not only knowing about his issue, but also how it relates to mine in terms of self awareness (not to say his has an impact on me, but ...we are brothers, and I guess it shows we are alike in ways I dont want to  acknowledge)
  • My dad, and my brother, remind me of the things I hate most about myself. I suppose they feel the same about me. That's kinship for you
  • In the background of this family situation I should probably mention that I have my occaisional fights with mum and dad, I can have a temper.
  • My dad has never talked to my sister properly (except if its a really bad confrontation, or at her wedding when he pretended) in my living memory. I'm 24 years old. That's not fucking normal, and I grew up around that.
I've never talked about my family because I don't know how to bring it in to all my experiences. Perhaps if any thing that says something. I always talk about myself, about what I do, what I've learne,dwhat I've achieved. I've seen family in a little way as something that I try to distance myself from in my individuality, or something I refuse to acknowledge in the light of other things.

I think my brother is depressed. Something is up with him. He's been unemployed and on temporary jobs on and off since he got laid off from working at a public sector job that was fairly cushy. He's released a debut album with a band that he soon quit, and he was with those guys since he was 13 years old. My brother allso turned 30 this year and is a couple of months from 31. My brother ended a relationship with this girl he started meeting from when I graduated and then he said we aren't allowed to talk about it. my brother likes to set the tone for lots of conversations, he's always trying to be controlling. As a kid I was shit scared of him, I couldn't tell if he was going to play nice or get mad at me. I was constantly petrified and distanced from him. He sounds like a guy with his own issues.

Maybe 'issues' is a genetic thing.

I don't often say this when I blog but I should. I feel a ltitle better getting this out in the open, getting this out in my thoughts. To avoid talking about a topic is to suppress it in a way that hinders clarity but also agitates the real issue itself.  Now I'm going to buy some shampoo/conditioner. Maybe charity shop as well. I'm on a budget so I really should be frugal.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Can't concentrate...

I'm feeling really hungry at the moment but nothing in the house looks appealing. I am going to go out to get some lunch.

I've made the decision today to not do my normal schedule activities. I'll be off to work in a couple of hours, and then I'll do a shift until 11pm, I'll probably get back by midnight and then I'll chillax until sleep befalls me. I am considering a possible gluttonous option of takeaway tonight. My blood sugar right now is begging for it.

It's not to say that I've not been productive today. I've done the following things:

  • Recieved a list of next months' shifts and sent off my availability, as well as that scheduled said shifts and organised the calendar for next month
  • I made an enquiry with my sister about her present and also that of her husband and son.
  • Following the enquiry, I went on amazon and bought 4 presents (including one for mum and dad). That's basically all the obligatory presents sorted. Cost : £40
  • I've attempted to make a account so I could get a £10 amazon voucher, then the website went down on me (and not in the way I like things going down on me). I'll have to try tomorrow. I wish I got that amazon voucher before I bought the presents. Alas...

I've got a shift later on today. I guess that makes a full day. I'm feeling exceptionally tired and weak right now. Perhaps I should venture to eat. I'm glad I got paid yesterday, although I am a bit off-put by the fact that I've now spent £50 since I got paid, £10 went to my Oyster card, which is a necessary travel expenditure, and £40 went to the mandatory expense of xmas presents. Now that sucks a little bit. I'll also need to earmark £125 and probably another £75 for counselling this month and next, then there is of course, anticipating that I wont get very much paid in for December when I get paid in January, so I'll need January's wage to last a bit longer until Febuary's wage. In short, this involves financial planning to an extent I've never entertained. Leisurely expenses like thinking about 'me' are out of the window. I was half thinking of buying an Iron man mask, or an Xbox, but almost £300 in the bank is going to have to last until Janurary, and maybe Febuary.

I'm going to avoid thinking (because I feel too weak now) and go to buy some food.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I decided to 'treat' myself with chinese takeaway. I didn't order much, but anything I normally order is too much. Lets call it moderate-to-fatty. Considering that I've not eaten terribly much today on the whole, perhaps I can allow myself two meals, even if one of them was predominantly fried.

I'm having a lot of weird feelings at the moment. I've lately been wondering just out of curiousity how people outside of me see me as a person. I know this is really egotistical but I was thinking: since I dont really open up about stuff I must seem different to how they see myself. By disclosing knowledge (or not disclosing), I control my self disclosure and control my self concept. I wonder what my boss thinks. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to be an intern, maybe she thinks I'm a loser who lives with his parents and she's living the life of a graduate who owns her own charity.

I sent off another graduate scheme application. I dont think I'll get in, but who knows, an application is an application. I've felt distinctively motivated these past few days. I don't know what it is, perhaps it is knowing that I've freed myself from the JSA, perhaps its optimism from the job interview next week, perhaps its Christmas cheer, perhaps its knowing that payday is coming up.

Mia's voice has lessened lately, and I've started listening to the one within me. It sounds strange, but I feel I'm getting some greater sense of inner strength. Perhaps I'm starting to put faith in myself, or perhaps I'm starting to believe in my own abilities. Perhaps I've overcome some inner boundary. I'd feel much happier if I were thinner. I dont think I did myself much of a favour with what I ate today, on the other hand, I do think that I did well to not binge, or overdo my calories as much. It was a controlled binge with the chinese. I feel like today I satisficed. I also feel like I'm not achieving very much in my life. I'm always feeling that.

Perhaps its time to stop living in my head. I'm scared of meeting new people, and getting out of my comfort zone. I know lots of ways in which I can improve as a person. I should certainly make an effort to push myself and get into those uncomfortable places. I did so today when I made a playlist for my ex's mix tape, and when I looked up PhD programs.

Today I satisficed, that's enough for now. Now I have earned my comfort wank, and audiobook relaxation. I am calm. I am warm. I should not take for granted all the comforts of having a full belly and a warm house to live in, in the greatest city in the world.

Food delerium

Sometimes if my bloocd sugar level is low, or something like that, I feel this enourmous urge to eat, but not just eat anything, to eat the most fatty unhealthy and bingiest of foods. My mind goes into this weird sense of overdrive, perhaps as if it were a nympomania of food. At the moment I am slowly chowing down on a muffin to see if the sugar rush satiates my desire. Perhaps time will tell if it really does.

I think when my parents head off to drop my nephew, I'm going to have a big binge, or order some chinese.

Brain fried

I think I cant concentrate anymore. I've spent most of my waking hours (since circa 11am) working on tasks. I have done the following today:

  • Compiled  playlist for mix tape for Antonia's xmas present
  • Sorted out some files in my external hard drive (in preparation for the next 'playlist')
  • Explored some PhD programmes - this made me trigger a bit, but I'm glad I did it.
  • Sent off an application to a grad scheme
  • Job Searched
Now I think I might take a brain break, maybe eat, or leisurely enjoy myself somehow. I am thinking of binging on a big pack of bacon rashers. Nothing quite beats the taste of those rashers.

Maybe, if I'm feeling up for it later, I'll carry on with schedule tasks. Tomorrow is 'intern' day, I feel more dirty when I go there. I've been there for too fucking long, I need a job so I can bail out!

Hmmm, bacon rashers...

Link: "Sometimes I feel like this..."

" a computer. A soulless, cockless computer. "

Good morning, well, its not morning for long.

I woke up late, and I also was naughty and had a biscuit binge last night. I won't even start on what my weight is. My relationship to music is waning at the moment. Probably because I keep the computer on playing my fucking long playlist and the combination of Jimi Hendrix, Thrash Metal, Mozart, The current pop charts and gothic/industrial/EBM miscellany is doing my head in. I've got a sort-of goal to complete my playlist this side of 2010, perhaps it can be done.

This morning I woke up listening to the annoying excuse of my dad's childcare of my nephew. If I were away from my dad I'd give him more respect. I owe him that much, to move on from the house and be financially independent. Ugh, it's a pipe dream, like having a nice body. Anyway, one email I found was of a topic that made me feel a deep pang of anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and perhaps, hope. Today and for a few days this week I've scheduled to look up more PhD options. Yes, I'm considering PhD applications again. Why do I torture myself with this? Because it's my dream. There are two dutch projects, one german project and a university department in (I presume) Norfolk. They seem to have the conditions that satisfy interest: 1. a remit of research near to my area and 2. A possible expert who might be bold enough to supervise me.

I started on my book review last night and then I ran out of ideas, I was just in brain sludge trying to write something articulate. Two applications yesterday, which isn't too bad. I also fell asleep listening to chapters of that 'Secret Histories' book. I've nearly finished it. These days my schedule is all I live for, it embodies all the values and hopes and aspirations I can aspire to. I feel lost, and it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own head, even if my head wants me to succeed. This is my way of 'thinking' outside of my head. Routinised tasks and regulation, like a computer. A soulless, cockless computer.

Oh well, Onwards with my schedule. In other news, I did feel quite sexy in the mirror looking at myself semi naked this morning. Maybe if I lost more weight I'd feel even better. I ate some horrid gruel that I cooked up yesterday, but it was hopefully low-cal, perhaps that makes worth of everything, ugly food for a beautiful body. That's a transaction I need to remember. Living in one's head isn't great. The betrayal by Marie taught me that.

p.s. it was Marie's birthday the other day, I was reminded of when I went to her birthday bash so long ago. The more I think about it compared to when I was reminded, the more I feel some significance of it. At first I didn't give a shit. That should be my response.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Three things of note:

1. Work is cancelled this Thursday. Fuck, that means' I'll only get paid for 16 hours of work next month. I'm not sure I can live on that.
2. Related to 1. I've sent off a form asking to cancel my JSA claim, in the assumption that I'd not need to claim JSA anymore. Part of it is because I hate the obligations I have to them, but also I hate the stigma of being unemployed. Even if I'm working a job that pays little with few hours, at least I'm earning my keep in life. I wish I had an oppurtunity
3. Related to 3. I have an interview invitation. I've an interview next week for an exceptionally boring employer, but it involves actual academical skills, and the pay isn't terrible (£21 k per year starting), so I guess that's nothign to sneeze at, when I sent off the application ages ago I had two concerns. The first concern was that I didn't fit the profile 100%, the other concern was that I didn't get the job the last time I applied for it.

That was the same for mencap. Well, back to 'work'. I woke up feeling I slept in, but it was only 9am. I had a weird night last night. A song by Emilie Autumn triggered some weird reaction in me, maybe its weird-good. I'm feeling overall happier in recent weeks I think its fair to say, despite the purging and occaisional trigger. I bet something will happen immediate to the next post which will make me retract that. I'm thinking about xmas presents for family. With  limited budget it's a bit of an issue. Especially because the money this month will have to last at least until half way through january, or late jan. Shit. I need to be frugal.

In other news, I'm 223lbs this morning. Who knows how long that would last.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Anxiety soup

After signing in at the job centre, i did a few job searches, and various little tasks on my schedule effectively clearing up a lot of space. I then had a bold idea of looking into how I can close my JSA claim, since I am earning. I made a few calls, I was on hold for about 20 mins, and then I spoke to a guy who suggested that I just need to mail them my declaration and fill in some details, at that point I then completed said details and mailed it out. I was calculating in my head how much I'd actually have in my account after the presumed pay day of saturday, and when the JSA of the past two weeks comes in.

I felt that I must have reached some breaking point today, It was a calm and quiet breaking point, but I decided boldly that I dont want to claim job seekers anymore, I don't want to have to go to 'new deal' pep talks and be obliged to unhelpful meetings where at the beginning of each meeting they remind me that failure to attend means I get penalised. It's like being threatened for something you didn't do wrong, punished for something you can't control. I may have well been that desperately pained mentally ill fellow this morning, pushed to one's limit. I'm going to take my chances alone, I'm going to work part time and earn a little amount but with only a little bit of payment. I am unsure if I'll be able to make ends meet, if I'll be able to pay for counselling and all the other obligations of social life.

I'm taking a risk by cancelling my claim. I'm making a bold decision to go at it alone, I've considered it for a while especially now that I've started a job. Surely only the unemployed get paid JSA? That's my thought, but I'm working less than 16hrs a week, but some of those weeks I earn more than the JSA allocated, so that means effectively that, through a long amount of paperwork, I'd have to declare which wont affect my current payment but the payment subsequent to when I claim and declare, which, if I earned more, means I'm signing in without effectively getting anything paid in. I'd only sign in in those instances where I effectively have not worked and earned. I'm trying to rationalise my decision.

I feel a big anxiety pang at the moment. I decieded to take a break and rest my mind from the schedule. I've then gotten some emails from 'the boss' at the interning place. I've not replied yet. Perhaps if I reply I'll feel less anxious. I hate anxiety. I have a feeling that I've done something wrong. I hate that I'm subject to the will of other people who don't care about me or are interested in what effect their nonchalance has on my wellbeing.

Maybe I should just look at it in a simple way: I'm earning money, therefore I should not claim JSA. Perhaps life is just as simple as that. There's no guarantee how long my poor financial situation will last. Will I find a job? Not having the support of £100 a fortnight is a downer, but I'm not entitled to it if I'm earning more than that during a work shift, surely. Perhaps its easier in an administrative light, I feel tired emotionally. Perhaps I might take some time to reflect, or just catch my proverbial breath so that I can be more calm and collected before continuing with the schedule. In all fairness I have no rush as such for now.

Perhaps I shouldn't listen to my thoughts right now, as my anxiety grows so does my lack of clarity. Maybe I should just listen to some podcasts, or watch some tv, or distract myself somehow. I'm no good when I'm all 'fuzzy'.

Perspective by comparison

I am listening to pop music, I find it therapeutic for some reason. I've been listening to way too much heavy metal and rock. It's depressing me. Mozart makes me feel droll. Some of Mozart was good, but I thnk I much prefer Beethove, he's more romantic.

I went to the job centre today, and I've got another appointment for tomorrow. I swear, I really just want to end my claim. The staff are not entirely helpful, they just want to shift me to the next stage, the next appointment and don't want to deal with me in any other way. Some of them are nice. There was a man with mental health issues in the queue again, he was talking to himself and saying things like: "if you can't love yourself who'd want to love you?" as a justification for his talking to himself. The fellow also said things like "it's so hard to carry on, all of you people are so lucky and you don't know it", as the security staff tried to calm him down. There was also a moment when he said "if you knew what I lost you'd jump off a building". I found that awfully humbling. The man had a very expensive jacket, but it was tattered and dirty and damaged, I suppose symbolic of a person he once was. Something clearly happened that damaged this poor man.

I was pretty damaged once, I stll am damaged goods in a way, but I have a fighting chance, and a second chance at life that many would consider the stuff of dreams. From the brink of suicide and 'death watch', I graduated with two degrees and I'm starting a job on the road to full independence. It's not easy for many people, and then there are things that happen out of your control. I guess everyone is struggling in life, except those gorgeous graduates who work in KPMG or other such fancy organisations.

In the name of all people who struggled and don't have the oppurtunities and skills that I do, I really must work hard to show not only what great oppurtunities I have, but also demonstrate my own achievements and skills. Life isn't great for everyone and my issues are merely squabbles compared to their despair. I think I'll get on with my day, and hope for the best. I also hope I dont get fatigued.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

wish list and act first

Yesterday I didn't feel so good, today I feel a bit more numb, and I feel like progress has been made. I feel more goal oriented and I feel like pushing myself. I need that feeling, its the only thing that pushes me forward, the only thing that makes me, me.

Today I sent off 4 job applications, I sent one query, and I made a few job searches. My schedule is not as clear over the coming few days, but it does look more manageable. I've been masturbating a lot lately, I feel that orgasm is some kind of emotional compensation, some kind of emotional alcohol as if I need to cum in order to have my 'fix' for the day. I hope I don't have some kind of orgasm addiction. That said I've been good today and only allowed once.

To counterbalance my suggested 'addiction', its' only because of masturbating that my head felt clear last night and today. I woke up with a mild lust in my body, relieved it, and I could focus on other things. Perhaps that's healthy. By any estimation of a day, I've been productive. I've also eaten a fair bit today. I've gained 2lbs this past week. It's not near 230 which is my danger zone, but it is over 225 which is my 'normal' weight in recent weeks. I have kept busy and it has been cold. I find that purging would not be prudent insofar as I'll run out of energy, and feel tired and my head will get all weird which will mean as a consequence I won't get anything done.

I am starting to feel more target oriented today, I hope that it lasts. Tomorrow I'm signing on again in the job centre, I hope soon I will stop the insanity of signing on. If nothing prevents (and I always suspect the worst), I will be paid my first wage on Saturday. That will give me enough money for xmas, expenses, and hopefully, counselling. I need to earmark £125 in my account by all measures. I think I'll have about a 20% cut of my wages from taxes to pay for Her Majesty's government debt, which still gives me a little bit of money. I hope I'll be in a better financial situation with a job than without. It doesn't feel that way.

All the same, I will still apply and hunt vigorously for jobs. I have not applied to as many graduate schems, perhaps I should, considering the luck I had with that major financial institution last week that interviewed me. I applied again to a prison and I almost applied to a PA position for a 'celebrity' political figure.

Maybe I'll finish this post with a list of things I'd love to buy if I had the money:

  • New chinos or smart trousers
  • Corduroys that fit
  • More underpants
  • Another pair of longjohns
  • Another pair of boots
  • Another pair of black shoes, hopefully oxford parade shoes
  • An Xbox or wii
  • Games for said console
  • Gym pass
  • More shirts
  • A new laptop
  • A water bottle
  • Two of my watches to be repaired, or better still a new kinetic watch that has a chronograph
  • tactical gloves
  • airsoft gear
  • a new printer/scanner
  • More games for wii/xbox, and accessories
  • presents for xmas for the following people: nephew, brother, sister, mum, dad, neighbour friends, friends from school, maybe even my ex's daughter.
  • mmorpg subscriptions for new laptop.
At the moment I dont think I have that kind of money. I just need to be content with what I have now, and I guess I am content. Somehow I dont think santa will give me any money. A lump of coal would be good, or a few billion gallons of oil to sell to UK and non-UK energy interests.

I think I'm going to wind down for today. Safe in the knoweldge that I sent a fair few applications. Tomorrow is another day, and another shot at hope.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Graduate scheme applications are emotionally draining.

Graduate scheme applications are emotionally draining.

Yesterday I worked at the cloakroom where there were two events. One event was a conference for a financial underwriter something or other, and loads of 20-somethings were there being all graduate-y and beautiful. Obviously that makes me green because I have done so little with my life. I saw a life in their activities, they were dedicated to their jobs, wore smart clothes, talked incredibly posh and were all beautiful. Everything that I want to be. Some how I've beome a loser in my life. Perhaps I always was one but everyone humoured me.

After work (and a fire alarm which froze my ass off) I went home and ate a bit, my mum told me the neighbours are inviting us to a dinner at a chinese restaurant. It was lovely. I purged though. It wasn't entirely willing. I felt bloated and I thought to myself: okay, if it happens it happens. I purged about 3-5 chugs full. I suffocated on a piece of nut, which led to a few more chugs than normal. I've not purged like that in a long time. Alas, I kept it secret.

Lately I've felt a lot of memories. You can't draw a line under the past, especially if its unresolved. The memories I'm having lately are not of my ex, the year of limbo after my MA, the year since coming up to now, but of my undergraduate years. Its funny how all of the fears I had back then have materialised, Now I live in it. I live in hell.

I feel like comfort eating downstairs. I'll call it lunch. As it is lunch time. I'm trying to answer some graduate scheme questions, but I find it horrid. One question goes: name one significant achievement over the past two years.


Friday, December 3, 2010

(like everything) Recovery, is slow

Good morning.

I'm awake casually and I see that the snow has ended, or rather it should be said that the snow has stopped increasing for now. I'm going to head off to work soon, this involves a trek to the tube station and then a nice oppurunity to do some reading on the tube. Normally the area around Shambly arena is clear of ice so there's no issue. The shifts seem increasingly less difficult and the passage of time seems less. This shift will be a touch over four hours, if I leave at 10-ish, I'll get there in time (one would hope) and then I'm home before 5pm.

Sounds like a fairly specific day. I hope it goes well. I may go for a sandwich as well. I like when things are direct, non ambiguous. After I get back, perhaps I'll see to getting more applications done, if I have the energy. I'm getting dressed now.

From blog 'boo hoo hoo'

From the author of 'Pictures for Sad Children', this is from the author's other picture blog

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Playlist of memories

I saw an article today about Manic Street Preachers going on Strictly, it made me trigger earlier. It made me think about my brother's life, and how I lived his early teens through the wall of sound (ie. his loud hifi playing and me hearing it). I heard a lot of manics. It made me think of what my 'memories' in song are. I then listened to two songs which I listened to when I was 19-20. Kate Earl's 'When you are Older'. I got it for free from an ITunes promotion, and then, 'Suddenly I see' by KT Tunstall. This song has so many meanings and symbols embedded into it I dont know where to begin. If anything it's not even about the song.

I'm having an anxiety attack. It's not very nice.

afternoon stupour

Awake I am, tired I feel. The scape of surburbia outside my window is covered in a white mantle of snow, 3-6 inches I'd suspect. The tree outside is beautifully covered in white like a Christmas card of a time that never existed. I am in a truly beautiful environment right now, even if it's south london.

I feel exhausted. Possibly hungry, possibly tired, possibly masturbated. I cancelled today's interning because I knew I'd not make it. I did a long shift last night and my legs felt to near cramping level. It's a stretch to say that I used up all my energy, but I'm pretty sure I passed the 50% mark.

I was too busy today to notice if I ate much. I ate quite well yesterday, I had mum's beef soup which was a mix of proteiny and fatty goodness. As I got home however she unfortunately added vegetables. I emailed my boss saying I had the flu. It was a lie but now I feel it may well be close to the truth. I feel a bit worn down right now. All that walking in the snow, all that walking during work. I just hope it translates to a thinner body. That's up to me ultimately, I need to fight hard and keep a track of my weight.

As I went to work yesterday I saw a girl on the tube just before the stop I go off for work. The girl, I thought at first looked like someone I knew from when I started my MA. When I had a closer look, I was certain, in fear that she'd recognise me I walked to the nearest door to wait for my next stop. I'd have done that anyway, but I'm confabulating my reasons.

Let's go back to a story: from August to September 2007, I was looking for a place to live when I started my Masters. Unfortunately, because I was not priority for halls, and many students already found a place to live, I didn't find a place in time. There were a couple of days where I had to take a train to Bristol and back within a day, look for flats and then go home. The next day I'd find out that the places I searched were taken and they didn't want me, or in one occaision, the girl who offered to go for a house share with me bailed out and ditched me. I felt then, and still feel now that was pretty cold hearted. That girl has probably finished her PhD by now, that's so fucking depressing.

In that one occaision we went to a viewing for a flat and this girl, a second year engineering student was offering it to us. I'm not sure whether she owned it, or if we were gonna move in with her. Probably the former, parents often buy a flat at uni and then rent it out as a cash cow when their kids graduate. Anyway, as it happens this girl said she'd offer the place to another couple of students but she said she'd let me know if they bail out. I felt for some reason that was a possible offer. I'm reminded of that because the residence was near to the place that I actually eventually found. It was a dark time when I struggled to find a flat. My time at university was often obscured by issues around where I'd live. Because I didn't have (m)any friends, I didn't have anyone to live with, and a single person is hard to move into a group share. So often I'd end up in the reject homes.

One time I missed a train and I had to take an alternative route, which meant I had to sit by a lone platform with no-one there for two hours. My phone died and my MP3 player died. It was terrible, and cold. It was a dark time in my life by any stretch. My situation has changed much since then, for better and worse. Seeing that girl again, as I was on the way to work, really resonated with what I'm doing now with my life: answer, not much.

I took a day off the interning, where I've been for over 6 months, and I'm in so many awkward situations that I don't like. I hate my body, I hate job centre obligations, I hate low paying job, I hate interview rejections, I hate money issues, I hate counselling, I hate christmas present obligations, I hate everything falling apart like my friendships and my computer and most of all I hate the emptiness and sense that I could have been in a much better position.

A thought that I had today: I've changed in years past, from being forward looking and wishing I could be a better person, than backward looking and wishing I was how I used to be. I suppose I've acknowledged something about the past, accepted it an moved on. Not with all things. I wish I had closure, I wish I had an improvement to my life. I feel so angry and I can't express it.

Perhaps the only thing I can do is tidy up my room. Then brush my teeth, then shave, then tidy my bed, then maybe breakfast, then catch up on GReader, GCal, applications.....

I'm tired of fucking cliches, but that one I used to say when I was a sensitive caring bulimic in 2008 is apt: one step at a time. My idealism is dead. The only thing that can survive in this world is brute will.