Thursday, December 2, 2010

afternoon stupour

Awake I am, tired I feel. The scape of surburbia outside my window is covered in a white mantle of snow, 3-6 inches I'd suspect. The tree outside is beautifully covered in white like a Christmas card of a time that never existed. I am in a truly beautiful environment right now, even if it's south london.

I feel exhausted. Possibly hungry, possibly tired, possibly masturbated. I cancelled today's interning because I knew I'd not make it. I did a long shift last night and my legs felt to near cramping level. It's a stretch to say that I used up all my energy, but I'm pretty sure I passed the 50% mark.

I was too busy today to notice if I ate much. I ate quite well yesterday, I had mum's beef soup which was a mix of proteiny and fatty goodness. As I got home however she unfortunately added vegetables. I emailed my boss saying I had the flu. It was a lie but now I feel it may well be close to the truth. I feel a bit worn down right now. All that walking in the snow, all that walking during work. I just hope it translates to a thinner body. That's up to me ultimately, I need to fight hard and keep a track of my weight.

As I went to work yesterday I saw a girl on the tube just before the stop I go off for work. The girl, I thought at first looked like someone I knew from when I started my MA. When I had a closer look, I was certain, in fear that she'd recognise me I walked to the nearest door to wait for my next stop. I'd have done that anyway, but I'm confabulating my reasons.

Let's go back to a story: from August to September 2007, I was looking for a place to live when I started my Masters. Unfortunately, because I was not priority for halls, and many students already found a place to live, I didn't find a place in time. There were a couple of days where I had to take a train to Bristol and back within a day, look for flats and then go home. The next day I'd find out that the places I searched were taken and they didn't want me, or in one occaision, the girl who offered to go for a house share with me bailed out and ditched me. I felt then, and still feel now that was pretty cold hearted. That girl has probably finished her PhD by now, that's so fucking depressing.

In that one occaision we went to a viewing for a flat and this girl, a second year engineering student was offering it to us. I'm not sure whether she owned it, or if we were gonna move in with her. Probably the former, parents often buy a flat at uni and then rent it out as a cash cow when their kids graduate. Anyway, as it happens this girl said she'd offer the place to another couple of students but she said she'd let me know if they bail out. I felt for some reason that was a possible offer. I'm reminded of that because the residence was near to the place that I actually eventually found. It was a dark time when I struggled to find a flat. My time at university was often obscured by issues around where I'd live. Because I didn't have (m)any friends, I didn't have anyone to live with, and a single person is hard to move into a group share. So often I'd end up in the reject homes.

One time I missed a train and I had to take an alternative route, which meant I had to sit by a lone platform with no-one there for two hours. My phone died and my MP3 player died. It was terrible, and cold. It was a dark time in my life by any stretch. My situation has changed much since then, for better and worse. Seeing that girl again, as I was on the way to work, really resonated with what I'm doing now with my life: answer, not much.

I took a day off the interning, where I've been for over 6 months, and I'm in so many awkward situations that I don't like. I hate my body, I hate job centre obligations, I hate low paying job, I hate interview rejections, I hate money issues, I hate counselling, I hate christmas present obligations, I hate everything falling apart like my friendships and my computer and most of all I hate the emptiness and sense that I could have been in a much better position.

A thought that I had today: I've changed in years past, from being forward looking and wishing I could be a better person, than backward looking and wishing I was how I used to be. I suppose I've acknowledged something about the past, accepted it an moved on. Not with all things. I wish I had closure, I wish I had an improvement to my life. I feel so angry and I can't express it.

Perhaps the only thing I can do is tidy up my room. Then brush my teeth, then shave, then tidy my bed, then maybe breakfast, then catch up on GReader, GCal, applications.....

I'm tired of fucking cliches, but that one I used to say when I was a sensitive caring bulimic in 2008 is apt: one step at a time. My idealism is dead. The only thing that can survive in this world is brute will.

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