I decided to 'treat' myself with chinese takeaway. I didn't order much, but anything I normally order is too much. Lets call it moderate-to-fatty. Considering that I've not eaten terribly much today on the whole, perhaps I can allow myself two meals, even if one of them was predominantly fried.
I'm having a lot of weird feelings at the moment. I've lately been wondering just out of curiousity how people outside of me see me as a person. I know this is really egotistical but I was thinking: since I dont really open up about stuff I must seem different to how they see myself. By disclosing knowledge (or not disclosing), I control my self disclosure and control my self concept. I wonder what my boss thinks. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to be an intern, maybe she thinks I'm a loser who lives with his parents and she's living the life of a graduate who owns her own charity.
I sent off another graduate scheme application. I dont think I'll get in, but who knows, an application is an application. I've felt distinctively motivated these past few days. I don't know what it is, perhaps it is knowing that I've freed myself from the JSA, perhaps its optimism from the job interview next week, perhaps its Christmas cheer, perhaps its knowing that payday is coming up.
Mia's voice has lessened lately, and I've started listening to the one within me. It sounds strange, but I feel I'm getting some greater sense of inner strength. Perhaps I'm starting to put faith in myself, or perhaps I'm starting to believe in my own abilities. Perhaps I've overcome some inner boundary. I'd feel much happier if I were thinner. I dont think I did myself much of a favour with what I ate today, on the other hand, I do think that I did well to not binge, or overdo my calories as much. It was a controlled binge with the chinese. I feel like today I satisficed. I also feel like I'm not achieving very much in my life. I'm always feeling that.
Perhaps its time to stop living in my head. I'm scared of meeting new people, and getting out of my comfort zone. I know lots of ways in which I can improve as a person. I should certainly make an effort to push myself and get into those uncomfortable places. I did so today when I made a playlist for my ex's mix tape, and when I looked up PhD programs.
Today I satisficed, that's enough for now. Now I have earned my comfort wank, and audiobook relaxation. I am calm. I am warm. I should not take for granted all the comforts of having a full belly and a warm house to live in, in the greatest city in the world.
I'm having a lot of weird feelings at the moment. I've lately been wondering just out of curiousity how people outside of me see me as a person. I know this is really egotistical but I was thinking: since I dont really open up about stuff I must seem different to how they see myself. By disclosing knowledge (or not disclosing), I control my self disclosure and control my self concept. I wonder what my boss thinks. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to be an intern, maybe she thinks I'm a loser who lives with his parents and she's living the life of a graduate who owns her own charity.
I sent off another graduate scheme application. I dont think I'll get in, but who knows, an application is an application. I've felt distinctively motivated these past few days. I don't know what it is, perhaps it is knowing that I've freed myself from the JSA, perhaps its optimism from the job interview next week, perhaps its Christmas cheer, perhaps its knowing that payday is coming up.
Mia's voice has lessened lately, and I've started listening to the one within me. It sounds strange, but I feel I'm getting some greater sense of inner strength. Perhaps I'm starting to put faith in myself, or perhaps I'm starting to believe in my own abilities. Perhaps I've overcome some inner boundary. I'd feel much happier if I were thinner. I dont think I did myself much of a favour with what I ate today, on the other hand, I do think that I did well to not binge, or overdo my calories as much. It was a controlled binge with the chinese. I feel like today I satisficed. I also feel like I'm not achieving very much in my life. I'm always feeling that.
Perhaps its time to stop living in my head. I'm scared of meeting new people, and getting out of my comfort zone. I know lots of ways in which I can improve as a person. I should certainly make an effort to push myself and get into those uncomfortable places. I did so today when I made a playlist for my ex's mix tape, and when I looked up PhD programs.
Today I satisficed, that's enough for now. Now I have earned my comfort wank, and audiobook relaxation. I am calm. I am warm. I should not take for granted all the comforts of having a full belly and a warm house to live in, in the greatest city in the world.
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