I have recieved two christmas cards in total. One from my intern boss, and one from the volunteer co-ordinator with the police. The latter kinda suggested by implication that I need to go back, thus making me feel guilty about my volunteer time. I didn't feel useful as a volunteer, and I feel anxious that I left it behind. I'll tell you something else that's making me anxious: PhD or MPhil applications.
I need to consider sending out more PhD or research Masters applications. I know that there isn't much chance of getting in, or rather, that's how I feel. Maybe if I apply for a masters first. The adverts that I've seen say that the particular universities have AHRC allocated funding. That means that if I do apply, and if by some godforsaken chance I'm given an offer; I can also apply for funding as well.
My dream of wanting to be an academic seems so distant now that I've become so acquainted with failure. I feel so bruised emotionally after my previous PhD application that I'm a bit sore about it. I'm scared to ask my referees for more references, especially since two out of four of them aren't replying back to me anymore. My situation is F-U-C-K-E-D.
Perhaps if I co-ordinate a batch, apply in batch, ask in batch. A single email to request for multiple applications, perhaps they may oblige. I'm scared of failure, so scared that I'd rather stay a failure than attempt to succeed with the chance of failure again. Today has been productive, and considering that I've got so much to do this week with the holidays coming, I'm a little worried.
I've just re-read what I just typed. Worried of what? I ask myself. I feel worried of 'dying' again, perhaps is the only way I can describe it. The torment I went through towards the end of my MA, it was indescribable.
I was chatting to a friend on facebook last night. She's a successful artist, she even exhibited a work for some very well known figures. I find her such an inspiration in many ways. I told her that I was in such a stupour and I feel numb sometimes. She said that I need to force myself to be passionate, force myself to reflect on what I'm really dedicated towards, and be as specific as I can in aiming for what I want, and achieving it.
I feel too afraid to even utter it. I want to get into a PhD. I want to have a PhD.
Saying it makes me feel better, but even still I feel scared. I think its time to metaphorically pull the wax paper from my balls.
I need to consider sending out more PhD or research Masters applications. I know that there isn't much chance of getting in, or rather, that's how I feel. Maybe if I apply for a masters first. The adverts that I've seen say that the particular universities have AHRC allocated funding. That means that if I do apply, and if by some godforsaken chance I'm given an offer; I can also apply for funding as well.
My dream of wanting to be an academic seems so distant now that I've become so acquainted with failure. I feel so bruised emotionally after my previous PhD application that I'm a bit sore about it. I'm scared to ask my referees for more references, especially since two out of four of them aren't replying back to me anymore. My situation is F-U-C-K-E-D.
Perhaps if I co-ordinate a batch, apply in batch, ask in batch. A single email to request for multiple applications, perhaps they may oblige. I'm scared of failure, so scared that I'd rather stay a failure than attempt to succeed with the chance of failure again. Today has been productive, and considering that I've got so much to do this week with the holidays coming, I'm a little worried.
I've just re-read what I just typed. Worried of what? I ask myself. I feel worried of 'dying' again, perhaps is the only way I can describe it. The torment I went through towards the end of my MA, it was indescribable.
I was chatting to a friend on facebook last night. She's a successful artist, she even exhibited a work for some very well known figures. I find her such an inspiration in many ways. I told her that I was in such a stupour and I feel numb sometimes. She said that I need to force myself to be passionate, force myself to reflect on what I'm really dedicated towards, and be as specific as I can in aiming for what I want, and achieving it.
I feel too afraid to even utter it. I want to get into a PhD. I want to have a PhD.
Saying it makes me feel better, but even still I feel scared. I think its time to metaphorically pull the wax paper from my balls.
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