Wednesday, December 8, 2010

" a computer. A soulless, cockless computer. "

Good morning, well, its not morning for long.

I woke up late, and I also was naughty and had a biscuit binge last night. I won't even start on what my weight is. My relationship to music is waning at the moment. Probably because I keep the computer on playing my fucking long playlist and the combination of Jimi Hendrix, Thrash Metal, Mozart, The current pop charts and gothic/industrial/EBM miscellany is doing my head in. I've got a sort-of goal to complete my playlist this side of 2010, perhaps it can be done.

This morning I woke up listening to the annoying excuse of my dad's childcare of my nephew. If I were away from my dad I'd give him more respect. I owe him that much, to move on from the house and be financially independent. Ugh, it's a pipe dream, like having a nice body. Anyway, one email I found was of a topic that made me feel a deep pang of anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and perhaps, hope. Today and for a few days this week I've scheduled to look up more PhD options. Yes, I'm considering PhD applications again. Why do I torture myself with this? Because it's my dream. There are two dutch projects, one german project and a university department in (I presume) Norfolk. They seem to have the conditions that satisfy interest: 1. a remit of research near to my area and 2. A possible expert who might be bold enough to supervise me.

I started on my book review last night and then I ran out of ideas, I was just in brain sludge trying to write something articulate. Two applications yesterday, which isn't too bad. I also fell asleep listening to chapters of that 'Secret Histories' book. I've nearly finished it. These days my schedule is all I live for, it embodies all the values and hopes and aspirations I can aspire to. I feel lost, and it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own head, even if my head wants me to succeed. This is my way of 'thinking' outside of my head. Routinised tasks and regulation, like a computer. A soulless, cockless computer.

Oh well, Onwards with my schedule. In other news, I did feel quite sexy in the mirror looking at myself semi naked this morning. Maybe if I lost more weight I'd feel even better. I ate some horrid gruel that I cooked up yesterday, but it was hopefully low-cal, perhaps that makes worth of everything, ugly food for a beautiful body. That's a transaction I need to remember. Living in one's head isn't great. The betrayal by Marie taught me that.

p.s. it was Marie's birthday the other day, I was reminded of when I went to her birthday bash so long ago. The more I think about it compared to when I was reminded, the more I feel some significance of it. At first I didn't give a shit. That should be my response.

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