Monday, December 6, 2010

Anxiety soup

After signing in at the job centre, i did a few job searches, and various little tasks on my schedule effectively clearing up a lot of space. I then had a bold idea of looking into how I can close my JSA claim, since I am earning. I made a few calls, I was on hold for about 20 mins, and then I spoke to a guy who suggested that I just need to mail them my declaration and fill in some details, at that point I then completed said details and mailed it out. I was calculating in my head how much I'd actually have in my account after the presumed pay day of saturday, and when the JSA of the past two weeks comes in.

I felt that I must have reached some breaking point today, It was a calm and quiet breaking point, but I decided boldly that I dont want to claim job seekers anymore, I don't want to have to go to 'new deal' pep talks and be obliged to unhelpful meetings where at the beginning of each meeting they remind me that failure to attend means I get penalised. It's like being threatened for something you didn't do wrong, punished for something you can't control. I may have well been that desperately pained mentally ill fellow this morning, pushed to one's limit. I'm going to take my chances alone, I'm going to work part time and earn a little amount but with only a little bit of payment. I am unsure if I'll be able to make ends meet, if I'll be able to pay for counselling and all the other obligations of social life.

I'm taking a risk by cancelling my claim. I'm making a bold decision to go at it alone, I've considered it for a while especially now that I've started a job. Surely only the unemployed get paid JSA? That's my thought, but I'm working less than 16hrs a week, but some of those weeks I earn more than the JSA allocated, so that means effectively that, through a long amount of paperwork, I'd have to declare which wont affect my current payment but the payment subsequent to when I claim and declare, which, if I earned more, means I'm signing in without effectively getting anything paid in. I'd only sign in in those instances where I effectively have not worked and earned. I'm trying to rationalise my decision.

I feel a big anxiety pang at the moment. I decieded to take a break and rest my mind from the schedule. I've then gotten some emails from 'the boss' at the interning place. I've not replied yet. Perhaps if I reply I'll feel less anxious. I hate anxiety. I have a feeling that I've done something wrong. I hate that I'm subject to the will of other people who don't care about me or are interested in what effect their nonchalance has on my wellbeing.

Maybe I should just look at it in a simple way: I'm earning money, therefore I should not claim JSA. Perhaps life is just as simple as that. There's no guarantee how long my poor financial situation will last. Will I find a job? Not having the support of £100 a fortnight is a downer, but I'm not entitled to it if I'm earning more than that during a work shift, surely. Perhaps its easier in an administrative light, I feel tired emotionally. Perhaps I might take some time to reflect, or just catch my proverbial breath so that I can be more calm and collected before continuing with the schedule. In all fairness I have no rush as such for now.

Perhaps I shouldn't listen to my thoughts right now, as my anxiety grows so does my lack of clarity. Maybe I should just listen to some podcasts, or watch some tv, or distract myself somehow. I'm no good when I'm all 'fuzzy'.

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