Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Dear Diary,

Every week I try to write what I call an EDC loadout. Basically I am really into everyday carry, which is a term I've come across on the internet from preppers. Preppers (for someone reading this in the future) are a movement of people who believe some world ending event may happen or natural disaster is on the horizon, and they create contingencies for such natural disasters. They do things like think about what items would last in extreme situations while not carrying too much, and they also do things like think about how to get clean water and access to food source.

Anyway, I use a spreadsheet to write down what I wear in conjunction with the weather at the time.

I have had all through my adult life (and probably before), a problem with misjudging clothes and their approrpriateness to the situation: sometimes I dress too smartly; sometimes I dress not for cold or wet weather. Sometimes I overdress in the summer.

For this reason, I try to keep a track on what works and what doesnt. I also remind myself about what doesn't work, so that I do not repeat mistakes.

It's getting down to minus 1 degrees lately. Tomorrow I am going to a speaking event at work (panel discussion).

Something is really upsetting me at work. Something that I can do to make a difference in the world and help people with. Something is eating at me.

For the past couple of days, I have gone straight to bed as soon as I finished work. I then have ended up waking up around midnight (give or take an hour) and feeling full of energy. I use the time to work on my records or do the housework I forgot to do, or (in the case of tonight) using a speech to text app to read a really long article on Kant's moral psychology.

Oh. I should also say, I miscalculated my pay rises. I have a pay rise as of January. I officially earn just under 31k. Come April, I'll be earning just over 32k.

I am reading lately about the role of gratitude in psychology. I read this week that for every single negative thought, I should think of 5 positive thoughts. I have recently gotten an app that logs things I feel gratitude for. I feel that gratitude is important. It is not a good thing to dwell on the bad things as they outweigh the good. It is not the case that I should deny the bad things. It is more the case that I must see these things in a balanced context, a sober context. Sobriety is important to me.

If I were to think of 5 things I have gratitude for, these would be:

  • I love my John Lewis shearling jacket
  • I love the regular northern line tube service
  • I love that I can finish work early if I need it
  • I appreciate my supportive and kind colleagues
  • I love that I live in an area that has great kebabs and pretty decent fish and chips
  • I love my mum and dad
  • I have kind friends
  • I work in a special place.
  • I am special and I am capable of changing things in my workplace
  • I haven't had a heart attack just yet

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's 3:56 am.

I have full blown insomnia.

I seem not to mind, as I have been working on a few things over the past 8 hours. I have also used my dual screen setup to watch tv at the same time.

I have written into my physical gym workout book. That's a thing I use when I'm at the gym, so that I am deliberate about my hypertrophy and my fitness PBs. I'm also a stickler for keeping records (is stickler a word? I saw people saying it I think).

I have trouble going to sleep because I'm afraid of facing the loneliness of being with my own thoughts.

Dear Diary,

I have a worried mind, I've put that energy into being hyperrational. I've been so hyperrational that I've put a weekly plan into place. I've updated all my logs, and i've even worked on what I call 'non priority schema tasks'.

There is something inside me. Something deeply worried and deeply broken.

I feel like I nearly broke down at work, or that I'm at a breaking point. It feels perhaps obvious to some. It's not so obvious to me.

I'll put some spotify on overnight to ease my mind.

Dear Diary,

I am worried either myself or someone else might die and that I have to stop it. I don't know why I think that. It's patently irrational.

I should try to sleep now. I feel the physical fatigue.

If I woke up at 1pm, I would be in a good position to eat breakfast and go straight to the gym. I've alreday set up my book and I'm up to date on records to merit this.

Good night, friend.

I'm doing well on the gratitude app. I'm expressing gratitude to my colleagues at work and they are surprised by it, but in a good way.

Good night.

I hate saying goodnight because I never feel it's the end of a conversation.

Good night.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Dear Diary,

I have (re)discovered an application which reads text on articles, which makes my learning much easier and reading helps too.

This thursday was my 'break the routine' day

The transition between being 32 to 33. It's the transition from being a young person to an old/proper adult person.

I've been thinking a lot about getting a chance to buy a flat. I've been thinking a lot like the protagonist from fight club, about buying a way into normality and conformity.

I got up to a fair amount this thursday. I got up, had breakfast. I had a sitdown breakfast. I went to the opticians for an eye test. I saved about £50 on my prescription using a workplace eye voucher, which was nice.

The lady at the opticians was nice, it wasn't as painful as the last few times. I have bad experiences with opticians, ophamologists and dentists it seems. When I got home I had this crazy idea that being my day off and being 'break the routine day', I needed to do something radically different. It so happened to my mind that radically different meant that I needed to get a gamer chair.

I was fixated on this for a couple of hours, it felt like when I sprint and I use the momentum of my body weight propelling forward as part of the speed and not the propelling of my legs. Like this extended simile of propelling my 115kg weight while sprinting, it was exceptionally difficult to change direction or even stop, so I had to crash myself. I had a crash of energy as my mind got overwhelmed with all the fast thinking, and I slept for a bit. I woke up about 6pm when a neighbour asked for a package. That made me a bit anxious. I don't like the practice of picking up packages for neighbours, nor having to get neighbours to hold packages for me and me knocking on their door.

The guy in the house across was a nice tamil guy with an accent just like mine. Godfrey next door to him had infected my mind with some very racist ideas about these neighbours growing up. I need to decolonise my mind of what I learned as a child, and from Godfrey.

Today was really fucking cold. The other thing bothering me lately is that I only have one decent pair of trousers that cope with weather between -4 to 4 degrees, and those were in the wash because they smelled very strongly of crotch and over use.  They are also wearing out quite a bit at the crotch, which is never nice. I have to wear leggings over normal trousers to cope with the cold, but my main leggings (couldn't find my others) were already in the wash. Basically I was short on suitable clothes. Never thought I'd say that.

I've spent the last few hours updating my google keep reading lists, ticking off what I've read, and I've also caught up on my logging and things. Those were the things I was aspiring to do during the day. At least I've managed it now.

You know, maybe as a spontaneous decision which has come to me now: I could get some tactical black UA trainers and use those for the transitions between work - gym. I also need to get the stability support ones...

My mind is drifting. I should go.

Oh, and the other thing I was meaning to say in this post: I've gotten an app on my phone that logs moments of gratitude. I should say that I am not short on gratitude for people and things.
Dear Diary,

On this week 2009: I discovered that I got my masters degree conferring accepted

Monday, January 7, 2019

Dear Diary,

My USB lamp with the beautiful design fades from its brightest light ever so quickly.

It's 2am and I cannot sleep.

The past few days I've been on full capacity. I've gotten back to work after 9-10 days of holiday which I've thoroughly enjoyed, and I have gotten back into the pace of working life with a sprint pace.

Wednesday was really busy, but I managed to do the gym after work, albeit very late. Thursday had a spontaneous restaurant meeting with some friends. I enjoyed that, although it was a very dry cold on the way home. Friday was...I struggle to remember. It was really busy and I had HR book a temp in to help me, she was super efficient and better than I expected.

Saturday involved a date, I went to see Aquaman again with T, we went to a restaurant for a quick bite beforehand and I got home by 5pm. I was exhausted after. I ended up going to sleep by 4am, but not before working extensively on some catching up documents. I did a bunch of reading and I'm up to date.

A couple of things have been distracting me lately: I keep thinking about that flat which I saw marketed for a 25% stake share. That flat represents a lifestyle and a way forward in my life. That flat gave me hope that life can and will change. I went from 'is it a good idea to do shared ownership' to 'when can I sign'? I think about this because although I work 5 days a week; I need to advance in other areas of life in the way that so many of my friends are moving on with their lives.

There was a New years a decade ago. I think it was 2006. I was so excited about seeing my friends I felt a lift to my depression. When it came to the time that I had to go back to university and back to the life I didn't like in the university city, I went back down again. I had an ever so short glimpse of delight and it faded just as quickly. I didn't realise that as an adult, people experience lows after great highs, great parties and events end and life goes on.

It just has to be that the life that goes on should have other things to look forward to. What do I have to look forward to? That's a rhetorical question by the way.

This sunday has been good, despite waking up really late, I was actually ahead on my logging and reading, so I could just go straight to being single minded and focussing on gym workout. I did 2 classes but I was exhausted during the classes, I vomited into my clean shirt, it seemed that the preworkout was constricting my throat.

When I got home, I watched a philosophy lecture online. I then did a bit more logging, I started watching a bit of TV as well. I felt good about it. I felt good about being fully productive.

I feel anxiety about going to bed. I feel scared, even. Scared of being alone with my thoughts, scared of being in the vulnerable state of sleep.

Terrible things have happened. Not a day goes by without thinking about the terror. I feel the terror may come and haunt me again. I used to get panic attacks, triggers. I faced some of the worst things about myself and face the worst of my humanity. I faced a disaster. But then it wasn't a disaster, but in my mind, it still was.

Life is about moving forward from those things.

I wish I could sleep, I wish I could feel safe. I suppose I thrive off the artifice. What I fear is when the artifice is pulled away like a sheet over a table. Things become real then.

In a few weeks I'll see a doctor who is supposed to help with PTSD. I need to be prepared to say what specifically I need help with. I need to do some soul searching to answer that. It involves a sense of vulnerability to open up, also a sense of trust that somebody can help.

Sunday, January 6, 2019


On New years day, we have a tradition: a toned down and quiet get together.

My mate invited a friend from school there. I saw him in late 2017 (just over a year ago at that point). At the time, he was working as a visual effects artist at a studio, he was a 'junior' with aspirations to be a senior. This was after working for ages as a runner.

Then, he tells me, he's working as a runner again, with aspirations for being a different kind of visual effects artist, because the algorithms for Python have gotten more complicated than he's capable of adapting to.

This guy was really broken. It's not just me saying that, it's his own admission. Gavin has his triggers, he tells us, he experiences anxiety and depression. Isn't it interesting how people say those words and do not communicate its heaviness, I carry my own meanings to those words, but when they say it, it is blank to me, because I don't know what their demons are.

Apparently he was 'in therapy' for a few weeks, and his brohter has become estranged from the family; his brother was engaged to a girl who committed suicide and had married another girl. It sounds like there is some animousity between all parties.

Gavin has his demons, I knew that he didn't do so well after work. I heard that he sued his college (or he said he did). Gavin says a lot of things and he bigs himself up a lot, but he hasn't done too much and I 

When I reflect on my past, Gavin is a part of it. Gavin reminds me that I wasn't a nice person. I wasn't nice to him in school and I live to regret it. I live knowing that I have done ill to him and caused harm. I know he hated me, maybe he hates me still. G-man seems to be stuck in a certain place in his life, unable to move forward.  I wish him well, hell if anyone else doesn't have demons of their own.

I see its really hard for him at the moment, he's working probably less than minimum wage and working as a runner again. He has all thse skills in CGI and he's working getting coffees for wankers. It's part of why I don't 'do' coffee runs at work.

I'm 32. I'm on the cusp of being old and not old. I'm on the cusp of not being young anymore. I am as Alfred says in batman v superman: dawn of justice: 'too old to die young'.

When I turn 33, it's the same age that Charles died. That's a bit of a head fuck.
Dear Diary,

I was watching the film I, Daniel Blake.

Christ that was dark.

I had a good saturday.

I got up early-ish, had I gotten up earlier I could have done more life admin.

I breezed through some reading, did some tv watching.

I went to waterloo, I went using a route that I don't normally take.

I went on a date with T. We went to see Aquaman, it was mostly us holding hands in the cinema. We went to eat at byron's in leicester square. After I got home I...lay down for a moment, quite tired.

Once I got some energy back, I started watching that episode of Luther's season 5 finale again. I  was in some amount of disbelief as to what happened.

You know, the days immediately from new years eve to new years day, and then getting back to work, have gone by with me doing so much in it. I was originally going to write that it went quickly, but that's not the case. It is the case however that as soon as I got back to work, I started sprinting in my activity.

I found out that two of my senior bosses were not around, so I had to call some shots. On Thursday there was a spontaneous night out. On wednesday I was asked to do the date this saturday, things that weren't to plan then became the plan.

I've started thinking about putting some activities in through the next few weeks and months.

Another thing I've done lately is start making enquiries about shared ownership properties - its when you pay a slice of the price of a property and then pay a rental for the remainder of the property. I saw a place, the financials of it seemed workable on my current income, the location of it was...well, the more I thought about it, the more I imagined a lifestyle.

I spent the past few days daydreaming, the flat is in a block near the gym, near the tube station, near my parents, and in the area I grew up in. It's fucking amazing. It gave me aspiration, it gave me normality, it gave me hope.

In my next post I want to talk about new years day's party....

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's literally 2359 and probably about to turn to 0000.

I'm working on some data right now, working on reading articles, working on planning, working on working...basically busying myself.

Suddenly the skies have just gone mad right now with fireworks.

I wonder if this is the first time I've not taken too much notice of new years eve.

I'm feeling anxious right now. I dont think that I have a good reason to feel that way. I think that I have been subject to a lot of nerve stimulation, at the gym, with all the social activity and just the general busy-ness of the past 6 weeks.

Tomorrow is the last party. Tomorrow is the 'toned down' barbeque with the boys. I'm feeling exhausted but I'm keeping a good pace. I'm experiencing chest pain which almost feels like I'm dying.

I'm not feeling in an especially reflective or festive mood. But I'm not unhappy. Well I wasn't for most of today.

I'm more just about...getting on with it.

I hope that I can sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. That's my aspiration for the day.